Can a Shinigami love
by blueoceannymph789
Summary: A story of Rangiku's and Toushiro's past, the people and the experiences that made them who they are. As their relationship becomes something more, they also have to face the ghosts from their pasts and the bond that connects them.
1. Can a Shinigami love

**Hello everyone!**

**Welcome to this new FF of mine taking place in the BLEACH universe - specifically in Soul Society. The main character of this story is Rangiku Matsumoto, and it'll mostly be a 1st person POV, until Hitsugaya Toushirou appears of course! I'm kind of obsessed with the two of them and I tried my best considering any grammatical and vocabulary errors - since English is not my native language, please forgive any weird mistakes and feel free to point them out - i accept any opinion and comment!**

**The story is divided as follows:**

**Part 1 - Unforgotten Souls [Chapters 1 - 12]**

**Part 2 - Restless Nights [Chapters 13 - 27]**

**Part 3 - Apart like Night and Day [Chapters 28 - 38]**

**Part 4 - Let's make Memories Together [Chapters 39 - ...]**

**Please enjoy!****XD**

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**Part 1 - Unforgotten Souls**

**Chapter 1 – Can a Shinigami love?**

Can a Shinigami love...?

Of course they can... the matter is whether they _want_ to be loved...

I'm a creature that's neither dead, nor alive. We live in the in-between, somewhere between your world and the world of the dead, where scents, tastes and feelings have taken a different meaning. Somewhere where you can't feel the cold morning breeze on your skin and the hair on the small of your neck rise, somewhere where you can't feel the dry itching on your lips as your body craves for water, somewhere where you can't feel the numbness of burning on your tongue as you sip well-cooked soup, and you can't feel the desires of flesh take over your usually perfectly logical state of mind...

This is my world now...

It wasn't something I chose, but whatever the case I am here now and I am good at what I do. I learnt to live this way and I learnt to get over the hysterical madness that can take over the amateurs' mentality in this cruel place by occupying my mind with all that's left of me from my previous life; my memories...

Even if the sky is softly blue every morning that I wake up, and sometimes fluffy, pearl white clouds float up there to break the monotony I know that this will never be the sky I had learnt to love when I was a kid. But then maybe... it's not the sky that has changed... but it's me.

I've thought about it over and over again, and when I did find the courage to ask this question of mine, I was deep in thoughts, almost reaching this hysterical madness the amateurs would experience after finding out the real cruelty of this being they had become.

I asked many; my colleagues, my comrades, my senseis... but no one ever gave me this answer that left me unprepared as the one my future master and captain would give... and he was nothing but a boy with cold, piercing eyes, irises in the colour of ice floating above the rough, howling ocean.

This boy, who had lived a longer time in this cruel world than me, the boy who looked at least ten years younger than me, gave me the answer I feared, but still it was the one I was looking for...


	2. Can't tell Dreams from Truth

**- I do not own Bleach-**

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**Chapter 2 – Can't tell dreams from truth**

"Rangiku-chan! Please come back here!" my mother called for me standing still with alert eyes at the front steps of our home.

I was only ten years old back then, wild, curious of the world. I can't remember doing anything else but running in the fields, competing with the wind who runs faster through the tall maze of corn, laughing and enjoying the company of my beloved brothers, Osamu and Hikaru.

We were living in the far south, where it was always humid and we'd rarely witness snow through winter. I remember three times in my lifetime until the day I died our fields covered with snow. It was like a dream come true watching the vast plains from their usual deep, vivid green colour to suddenly transform into a velvet, bright white blanket. All the stories we would hear from my father's brothers and cousins who traveled to the north would emerge from my mind and become reality in this simple, but still so full life I had learnt to live.

My brothers and me…

Beside our wooden house a huge black pine tree was standing, with a slightly crooked truck giving the sight as if it wanted to hug the house with its long, thick branches covered with dark, green needles. That pine tree had turned into a white, dressed giant during the last winter and the branches would hold more snow than its own weight. Hikaru, Osamu and I would climb up the tree, reach the rooftop and sit under those fully snow-covered branches as if they were umbrellas and wait long hours in the freezing cold whose branch's snow would first fall on their heads.

And when we'd be soaking wet and shivering, we'd climb down this magnificent tree with its dark trunk and seek for our mother's warm stew and gather around our heated, low table laughing and making fun of each other.

I will never forget these three snow-covered winters… it would be the first and last time I'd see snow in my life… until the afterlife…

But even so, the memories I hold dearest are the ones I share with my beloved father. If I'd have to choose back then who my favourite person was, that would be him. The tall, muscular man with the broad shoulders that could lift both my brothers and me and the bright blue eyes that could see beyond us, beyond the world our innocent eyes saw.

Our father was often gone for days straight attending the military and travelling around the land. He was well respected and strong. But even this respect people had for him, didn't stop the tragedy that followed four years later.

It was early in the afternoon when our father was, once again, training us in defensive movements he had learnt a long time ago when he had first become a soldier to serve the great Emperor and the land. Hikaru and Osamu, being five and four years older than me respectively, were always better, faster, stronger and father would give them heavy sticks to fight against each other. Osamu was the best of us three.

He was the smallest, but he was as flexible as a cat. He could bend and duck so fast our eyes were unable to focus on him. His arms had grown strong with the stick as he would often train on his own late at night with the company of the crickets. I remember long hours watching him from my window feeling proud, but also a bit jealous for not being a boy and a favourite to father…

Back then I was only too young and naïve to think that father only loved Hikaru and, above all, Osamu. He loved us all, and this was something I realized a long time later in the afterlife.

One morning, at the age of fourteen, I woke up in my futon rubbing my eyes listening to voices and laughter from the main room. I dropped my blanket and crawled towards the paper walls sliding open the one wall to reach the outer hallway that surrounded the house and connected the many rooms. I put on some woolen socks as it was rather chilly and I ran towards the source of the voices. I hated it being left outside everything because I was the youngest. Both Osamu and Hikaru were already attending the military training to become respectful soldiers as my father, and I… I would be left behind with my mother.

Reaching finally the main room, I saw many shadows moving behind the paper walls. I frowned recognizing from somewhere that one voice and I kneeled on the wooden floor curious to see who had visited us so early in the morning. Before I even touched the paper wall it slid open before my eyes revealing the carved by time but still filled with life face of my grandmother.

I screamed with happiness falling on her knocking her down on the tatami hugging her with all my strength. She was laughing that distinguishable laughter of hers as if gooses were talking with each other. I laughed only by the sound of it.

"Oh dear! You've become rather big, Rangiku-chan!" grandmother said and tried to lift me up in vain.

"Behave, Rangiku!" my mother scolded me for attacking grandmother and I backed up regretfully.

"It's ok! I'm used to it! Having five boys is not an easy thing!" grandmother chuckled linking her two palms and looking back at me.

Mother had lit the fire and she had served tea which smelled beautifully in the room. Father was also here sitting next to mother smiling brightly at the scene, while father's cousin, uncle-Sosouke, was sipping his tea calmly. He was also a soldier and very good friends with my father. A rather small man, but with an intense stare that always gave me the chills.

Hikaru and Osamu were talking in an undertone by the other side of the small fire.

"You're almost a woman, dear Rangiku-chan!" grandmother commented checking me out. She touched my cheek and gave me this smile I always loved to see. A smile of pride.

I was beaming with happiness all day hanging around with grandmother. She visited us only twice a year and uncle-Sosouke would bring her from the far east. I had never been at her house, which, according to uncle-Sosouke and father, was at least three times more beautiful than ours! There was the greatest view extending towards the sea and terraces filled with paddy fields of rice surrounded the hill on which she was living. I always dreamt of living there one day, helping my grandmother with the housework and staring at the sea and the water-filled terraces between ribbons of grass as the sun was rising.

But that was also nothing but a wish, since I never had the chance to see my grandmother again.

The morning she left with uncle Sosouke, my father and mother called us in the main room. I had noticed that father had become not himself the last few days of grandmother's stay. I would often find him with uncle Sosouke in his study room whispering with each other. I remember words like treason, torment, penury, but since I had no clue what they were talking about I asked Osamu what that meant.

I still remember the look Osamu gave me. It had terrified me. As if I had just told him the worst news. His pupils were shaking inside his eyes and he immediately stood up and rushed towards my father.

That night I hadn't slept. I couldn't. Because all my mind could do was make things up, connect those unknown words and create a plot I didn't like at all…

A long time later in the afterlife I'd find out from a complete stranger in Rukongai that there had been a traitor among the lords of the land my family was living who decided to take things in his own hands. That lord gathered desperate people from the periphery of the south, people who were too fed up with their way of life and did many cruel things, burnt many villages down, killed many innocent. People who I would always remember when I would take a walk through Kusajishi district in Rukongai…

Most of what happened that day is vague in my head, but I'll never forget that moment, that look, that pain, that emptiness…

My brothers were away in the east patrolling the peripheries, while father was sent back home to attend some business in the south.

Mother and I were really glad to have company someone else than each other. I made father promise me to train me a little more for as long he would stay and so he did.

This time he even let me take a closer look at his katana, which he would always carry in a leather sheath on his hip. When I was about to touch the blade he immediately pulled it back looking down at me.

"Rangiku-chan! You're still too young!" he told me calmly, but I could sense some kind of unsettlement in his deep voice.

We were standing in the corn fields under a cherry tree which was filled with thick green leaves. I heard the sparrows crying out the complaints I felt flooding my head that moment.

Father gave me a smile and offered me back my stick.

I looked at it, not caring if I was showing my irritation wondering what it would feel like to hold such a beautiful yet so dangerous weapon in my hands. If it would feel so heavy, if it would feel so foreign and unattractive.

"Osamu- nii-san and Hikaru-nii-san both have katanas!" I finally said avoiding any eye contact with my father. Even then I knew he was right, but still being a girl I could notice the different way he was treating me.

When I forced myself to look him in the eye, I felt suddenly so small.

"You have a magnificent strength, Rangiku. I'm sure many young men in your age would envy your strength!" he chuckled and kneeled to come face to face with me. He searched my face for a little while making me blush and unable to hide a smile. "You're too beautiful to hold such a dangerous weapon in your hands!" he said.

But with this childish stubbornness of mine, I always had a response to throw back and then I couldn't help myself.

"I can have a beautiful katana! More beautiful than any other!"

Father stood up hiding his katana in the sheath as his eyes wandered away, beyond this world, beyond this cloudy sky and the northern wind that was blowing.

I shoved away some dark blonde strands from my face trying for once more to figure out my father's thoughts.

"Katanas are not meant to be beautiful." He turned around to look down at me and for a moment he was nothing but a big man with a piercing stare. "I wish with all my heart you'll never have to hold one in your hands." He let his hand settle on the handle of his katana, but my eyes stayed focused on his. "But if you do… then may it be for a better reason than mine…" his words lingered in the air. I was sure he'd say something more, enlighten my confused thoughts and finally reveal to me what he was thinking. What was so important to occupy his mind and give him that wandering look.

But these words were all he said, and then there was only a smile, which would never ease my troubles ever again.

It was a windy night. The branches of the pine tree were scratching the rooftop sounding like hundreds of monsters were fighting their way in. I couldn't sleep at all, and my head was creating strange, horrible images again. I heard my father's words, I heard the whisperings he was exchanging with uncle-Sosouke that other day, I felt the heavy stick in my hands transform into a huge katana which was three times my size. Heavy, cold and strange. I remember seeing red, thick liquid dripping from the shiny blade and tears forming in my eyes. I remember terror.

I must have been screaming that night, because mother came rushing through my sleeping room and grabbed me waking me up from my nightmares.

She calmed me down with a lullaby, but I was still shivering in her embrace, panting trying to tell dreams from the truth in the darkness.

And then there was a loud screech that covered the silence, there were loud voices, metal crushing onto metal, and somewhere in-between I could distinguish the slight cracking sound of wood burning.

I heard heavy footsteps and both my mother and I froze trying to follow the direction of the sounds.

Father appeared between the open paper walls, his katana in his hand. He came closer, but I was unable to see the terror in his eyes.

"Take Shiro and run away!" he told hastily at mother who was still grasping me tight on her chest. She was sobbing and I felt her warm tears on my face.

"No!" she gasped.

"Go!"

"They're too many!" her voice was shaking.

I couldn't say anything, I was still too shaken up from my dream unable to understand what exactly was going on. If this was true or an illusion.

"People will be coming from around! They'll hear this commotion! I won't be alone!"

There was another screech and this time the scratches from the branches of the pine tree on the rooftop were too loud to be normal. I flinched and looked up fearing it would fall on our heads.

"Go, now!" father shouted, but no one managed to escape as the roof indeed crushed upon us. I saw nothing but my mother still holding tight on me. There was a scream and shouts. There was the smell of wood burning and the sound of a katana leaving its sheath.

I tried to fight my way out of the ruins, dust blocking my airway. There was another scream and then someone pulled me hard from my shirt choking me. I screamed kicking and punching whoever it was, but then the intense scent of smoke made me lose my strength.

"Rangiku!" I heard my mother cry desperately and that was the last time I heard her voice.

I was being dragged as I was shouting for my mother through the ruins of my home and then I remember the world turning upside down when that someone that was holding me threw me on the ground. I hit my shoulder crying loud.

My eyes were burning, my lungs had become too small to fit all the air I needed, and everything around me had turned into a nightmare. The pine tree was on fire, the house was on fire and people were running around shouting, kicking the debris, holding katanas in their hands.

I can't remember faces, only this image; my home on fire, like a snakelike beast swallowing everything I hold dear in its fiery throat.

I cried and fell on the ground covered with ashes.

"Matsumoto-san!" I snapped out of my terror and despair when I heard that voice calling my father's name.

I turned around searching for him. Dark silhouettes were holding him down on his knees as if he was a prisoner. I crawled next to him, but I felt a mountain crushing on my back. Someone was stepping on my back holding me there on the ground watching my father being asked questions; about the lords, I even heard uncle-Sosouke's name between the words that one man said.

But father wouldn't say a thing, he would only look up at him smiling.

I had been wondering a long time since how he could stay so calm, when his home was destroyed before his eyes, his wife had died under those ruins. And above all, why he wouldn't attack, save himself, save me…

But he did save me…

As I was pinned down to the ground I tried to look away rubbing my tears from my eyes when I saw a glance of something metallic not far out of reach. It was my father's katana and hope rose inside me.

I turned to my father who had just been punched hard by that man who was asking questions. I gasped as I saw blood pouring down the edges of his lips.

"_I wish with all my heart you'll never have to hold one in your hands… But if you do… then may it be for a better reason than mine…"_

I heard his words again echoing distant in my ears. I wanted to save him, that was the reason I screamed so loud everyone in the vicinity had heard me and the reason I kicked that man who was holding me down between his legs and the reason I crawled with all the strength that was left inside of me towards the katana.

My father was in grave danger and at that moment only I could save him, with his katana in my hands. I rushed towards them swinging the blade around me the way he had taught me. I remember I managed to hit another blade and the sound made my heart race, my panting increase, my anger evolve into endless liveliness.

I found the man that had hit my father and without hesitation I forced that strange blade in my hands though his body, but even now I cannot recall his face, or the specific part of his that I stabbed. I only remember his last breathe and him falling down, just like my home had fallen down over me.

I heard my father call for me, but the others caught him. He fought but they were still too many. And I was too small and weak to face them…

I was crying again when all I managed to do is turn around and see someone else's blade come out from father's stomach.

Suddenly there was silence, dead silence… and the eyes that were looking beyond this world finally looked at me, but I saw neither pride, nor sorrow… I saw a deep void that reached through my heart. The katana fell from my hands along with the new tears as I witnessed my father die…

The other men looked at me with the killer instinct arising in them. I took one last look at my father's dead body shaking my head, trying to wake up, but the shouts were real, the smell of blood and fire was real, the emptiness in my chest was real… and I grabbed my father's katana and ran. I ran away, instinctively heading towards the stables which had also caught fire. I heard the two horses tied inside neigh in unison trying desperately to get away from the serpent flames.

I made my way through the half destroyed building and cut both the horses loose. I jumped up a pile of wood and crawled up Shiro's bare back and we ran away, as far as we could.

All I had known and learnt to appreciate was taken away from me…

I still have nightmares of fires catching up with me, listening to blades crossing, shouts of anger and pain, ruins cracking, the crows crying. I still dream of that huge black pine tree usually green and majestic be swollen by flames in the middle of the night. And each time I wake up soaking wet, sweat dripping from my forehead and my heart beating fast… and I make myself remember that now I'm not alone anymore, my own Zanpakuto beside me as a forever companion, and then I try to remind myself that the past cannot be undone…

My family is all dead now... their souls wandering somewhere where I may never see them again, even though I'm a Shinigami and the Lieutenant of the 10th Division of Gotei 13…

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**Thank you for reading! I was kind of afraid to publish this fic, but I guess there's nothing better than sharing and getting opinions! hehe, that means i'm waiting patiently for your reviews, take care!**


	3. The Life of a Lieutenant Soul Reaper

**Hey there!**

**Up to now it was just an introduction considering Matsumoto's past, but the actual story begins here.**

**Some background information; this takes place after the Soul Society Arc, which means the main characters are on friendly terms with Ichigo, Orihime etc, but - SPOILER- Aizen Sosouke hasn't betrayed Soul Society. The reason? Well... i kind of liked him the way he first appeared in the series and i wanted him in my story as that quiet, calm captain of Hinamori's, so _no_ Aizen-taicho has not left Soul Society in this story. But Ichimaru Gin has! There will also appear some new characters i created...**

**Hopefully you'll enjoy this ;)**

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**Chapter 3 – The Life of a Lieutenant Soul Reaper**

"MATSUMOTO!"

"Hmph!" I moaned and stretched my arms above my head turning myself around still travelling in the world of dreams comfortably.

I was lying on top of a huge branch of a pine tree, my eyes closed but still the sunlight was creating beautiful neon images. I was smiling moving my legs which were hanging from the tree. There was a breeze and the scent of the forest filled my insides.

"Hey, Captain! Let's do a prank on her!"

There were footsteps and chuckling, but even when those rude men were planning on making fun of me I was still too busy enjoying an imaginary vacation.

"Wake her up, now!" the Captain replied serious with his sharp tone making everybody shut up.

I moaned again and pulled the pillow closer to my face, but something hit me on my head and I shot up straight.

"Huh? Heh, wh-what?" I muttered still half asleep scratching the back of my head.

"Hitsugaya-taicho is requesting you!" Hidetoshi said with a wide grin. He was a tall man, too thin for his height and with a narrow face. A piercing was glancing on his nose and his dull, grey eyes were now sparkling with awe as he wasn't even pretending to look at me in the eye. Instead both his and his comrade's eyes were fixed a bit lower, both grinning stupidly.

I had woken up completely witnessing first thing of the day two pair of lustful stares and in response I yawned.

"Message delivered! Now go, I have to change!" I muttered and stood up, almost the same height as Hidetoshi and Kagetora. They were both ranked Shinigami of the 10th Division, two rather annoying but fun to joke with people in this new world of mine.

Kagetora and Hidetoshi exchanged worried glances and then pointed at me with thoughtful looks.

"Ehm, Matsumoto-san… y-you change… ehm, _here_?" Kagetora asked trembling and they both pointed at the ground with the last word.

Then their glances fell on Hitsugaya-taicho, our captain, who was too focused on his paperwork on his desk.

I hid a smile, knowing how this trick would work each time, not minding the least whether this would create any gossip. It was my way to get rid of those early-morning annoyances.

The only man who would never act so childishly and treat me the same way as every other man was him; Hitsugaya Toushirou, the Captain of the 10th Division.

I looked at the two men innocently and nodded in response.

They both turned around in unison to face the captain. He didn't even lift his eyes as he replied.

"If I remember well I assigned you five minutes ago to patrol the Hokutan district, didn't I?" Hitsugaya-taicho said harshly and the two men straightened up their backs.

"Hai!" they said in unison.

I noticed how Hidetoshi cramped his shoulders not willing to leave before he'd have his question answered, but how could they forget that Hitsugaya-taicho was the last man you would want against…

I chuckled slightly and walked towards my own desk, right opposite of the captain's.

"But… Hitsugaya-taicho… is Matsu- the lieutenant really-"

Hitsugaya-taicho gave them a simple killer glance and Hidetoshi closed his mouth and bowed hurriedly. They were both shaking as they left the office at the headquarters of the 10th Division making my smile even wider on my face.

When I heard the door shut I fell on my chair and lifted my legs up on my desk.

"Ah!" I sighed too loud stretching once again my arms. I leaned my head backwards and looked at the sunrays infiltrating from the windows that were narrow, close to the ceiling. The light was gold playing with the shadows from the black pine tree that was growing ever since I remember being here. It reminded me of my home, the one I had back in my real life…

It had been so many years since then… maybe this tree didn't even exist anymore…

This time my sigh was deeper, more meaningful and I immediately felt Hitsugaya-taicho's stare.

"They're gone. You can act serious now!" he said with this soft, yet rather harsh, deep voice of his.

I dragged my legs down to the floor and leaned my head on my hands with my elbows on the desk looking at my captain, the only man I truly respected in this world.

Hitsugaya-taicho was the perfect example of _the looks don't make the man_. If you only gave him a single glance you'd see a boy at the age of fifteen with a rather dark complexion which was coming in great contrast with his bright, white, untidy hair. Some strands would fall on his face and he'd shove them away looking a bit irritated. He could become annoyed with every little detail. Many people, if not all, think of him as cold, too distant and mysterious radiating an air of superiority. As a result, he is on the one hand the most popular Captain because of his young age and his tremendous abilities, but on the other hand the one people try to avoid in everyday life.

But… I don't know a single person who is what he looks like. Maybe Hitsugaya-taicho is a bit harsh, with no sense of humour and cold towards people's jokes and compliments, but he is by far the most respected Shinigami and Captain of the Gotei 13. He possesses abilities Shinigami three times his age do not possess, he's tactful, organized, and above all trustworthy. I can go on forever… but in the end my captain is the one I'd trust my life with and I'm proud to serve under him.

And he knew it…

He trusted me, even though he's never told me that, but… I simply knew that he did.

"I don't want to act serious. Especially not today!" I mumbled hardly opening my lips and my eyes fell on that big, comfortable sofa where I had spent the night once more.

"There is a limit when it comes to the hours someone can sleep daily." He said not taking his eyes off his paperwork. I looked at the metallic star pin with multiple edges that connected the ends of a green sash over his shoulder with his Zanpakuto's sheath hanging from his back.

"You're not the one to talk!" I commented, knowing how much Hitsugaya-taicho loved sleeping as much as I did.

"Were you partying again last night?" he asked shuffling through one rather big pile of papers. I felt sleepy only by watching him calmly do his duty.

I shook my head. The previous day I had been allowed a day off, which meant no actual obligation of filing reports, patrolling, attending meetings and such boring missions a lieutenant had to do. But instead I did nothing extreme, I only stayed here locked up, drinking by myself, my only company my Zanpakuto lying forgotten under my desk… I have seen better days…

"Not really…" I said and held another yawn.

"And what's with today anyway?" the captain asked snapping me out.

"What?"

"You said you didn't want to act serious. Especially not today. That's what you said." He repeated my words and glanced at me with those dark turquoise eyes that felt like reaching my soul.

I looked away rubbing the side of my neck.

"Did I say such a thing…"

He searched my face and I knew he could see more than he admitted, but he didn't comment on anything. Whatever he tried to find out from me he must have already discovered it. This was the only thing I sometimes couldn't stand with my captain. His silence…

Especially when he had figured me out…

But… that's why he sits on _that _chair and I sit on_ this _chair.

"So, Captain! What's on the timetable for today?" I asked turning back to my normal, relaxed self.

"Nothing specific." He replied.

I frowned.

"Really? If Souls ever going to die, they'll die of boredom!" I commented and stood up heading towards Hitsugaya-taicho's desk. I leaned on it and glanced at his paperwork. He was never late filing his paperwork and I was wondering where all this had come from.

As if he read my mind, which I often thought _must _be true, he answered my question.

"This is all _your _doing, Matsumoto! Or maybe should I say your _not-doing_!" he said and I flinched with the way he said that, as if he had just thrown me a knife that landed straight through my forehead.

"Ah!" I gapped and slowly drew away from hand's grasp.

"And the Shinigami Women's Association has a meeting this morning."

I looked at my captain surprised he had access to this kind of information. The Shinigami Women's Association was supposed to be an organization which held secret meeting doing undercover work or research without the men Shinigami to know. Yet my male captain knew…

"Hmm! Hitsugaya-taicho… may I ask where you got that information?"

He was always seen frowning as if he was annoyed with everything, but right now I could tell that he was a little more annoyed than average as he glared back at me.

"Don't tell me! It was Hinamori-chan! Can't she keep at least _one _secret from you?" I asked trying to sound serious but the way he was glaring at me made me shiver actually.

"It was not Hinamori!"

"Look, Hitsugaya-taicho! You may be my captain but some things are supposed to stay secre-"

"Unohana told me; because, Matsumoto" he looked up at me "everyone knows how punctual you are and never forget things."

My eyebrow lifted instinctively with surprise, not only with the ironic tone he was using but also with the fact that the Shinigami Women's Association Supervisor, who was also the Captain of the 4th Division, didn't trust me with remembering a single thing; the meeting.

But, once again, Hitsugaya-taicho was right. And so was Unohana-taicho for informing him, or else I'd be still sitting here muttering and complaining about everything to my captain.

I grinned as innocently as I could.

"You can be very mean, Captain!" I teased him, trying to hide my shame and made my way to the door.

"And Matsumoto…" I looked at the white-haired Captain over my shoulder awaiting for the next ironic comment to come out "this pile of unfilled reports will be waiting on your desk once you return!" he said and I sighed, finding myself wondering why on earth I had become a lieutenant.

As I strolled out the headquarters of the 10th Division under the morning sun I tried to think of a way to make life a bit more exciting in this dull Soul Society, where everything looked perfect but felt wrong, if your mind was still stuck in the life you had before; the _real_ life.

I haven't been in the real, living world for so long it feels like forever. But time in this spiritual world is irrelevant. It flows differently for everyone and carves itself differently on everyone. More than hundred years ago I was fourteen when I died and my soul came here, in Soul Society. I remember being fourteen for a long time, when suddenly… I grew up. I looked already older than everybody else when I entered the Shinigami Academy, although my time in sum in Soul Society compared to my colleagues was way shorter. And as I finally managed to fit in this strange world which I could never have imagined its existence in real life, I was already an attractive, grown-up woman in everyone's eyes…

But I didn't mind. It felt as if I was given a second chance. I had spent years searching for the souls of my family, but it never happened. Instead I nearly starved to death. I remember the fear that had covered me, wondering how a dead soul could be hungry…

Yesterday was the day my home had been attacked, and for some unknown reason it hit me hard going through that day all over again, the way I did every year on this day. I never let that affect me, because everyone liked me the way I was; easy-going, a bit too carefree and good company. I was open-hearted and according too many too _open-hearted_, but even so I didn't mind.

Here I had found my Zanpakuto, my own Soul Reaper. Here I was respected because I had one, and I was good at my job… most of the times.

I was walking through the stony wide streets of Seireitei heading to the 4th Division's headquarters where the meeting of the Shinigami Women's Association would take place today.

Rubbing the back of my neck I tried to make this building tension go away, but it stayed there stubbornly.

The building was surrounded by freshly cut grass and bushes with colourful velvet petals. The place was covered with different kinds of scents of herbs, which the members of the 4th Division were using to produce healing potions and medicine. This big building, which was at least twice the size of the 10th Division's headquarters, also housed the main medical facility of Seireitei. For some strange reason I didn't like coming here. Although I loved the scents and the always crowded spacious rooms, I hated the fact that everyone in the 4th Division always looked so happy.

I followed the small path of white pebbles that led to the back entrance I remember being told to take and I bumped into a familiar face.

"Autch!" I cried in surprise.

A man about my height looked at me with his dark brown slanted eyes and bright, crimson red hair were looking in every direction in a high ponytail. His face and neck, and most of his body actually, were covered with tribal tattoos and a white band hid some of it on his forehead. He grinned at me his hands resting on his hips.

"Good morning, Abarai-kun!" I greeted him with a smile.

I noticed how his eyes fled for a brief moment lower than my face.

"Hey, Matsumoto-san! What brings you in 4th Division so early?" he asked.

I glanced at the back door behind him, wondering why he used that exit. Usually normal people who'd visit the medical facility of the 4th Division would use the normal entrance.

"Don't tell me? The Chicks' Association has a meeting here?"

"Huh?" I gasped and frowned.

"Wh-what? How did-"

"Kira told me!" he laughed loudly and nodded slightly looking pleased to make me feel uneasy. Maybe I had a bit more sake than usual yesterday and had decided to announce to everyone about today's supposedly secret meeting…

I pressed my lips together as Abarai walked away waving.

"Kira… was he at my office yesterday?" I wondered to myself and hunched my shoulders as I walked inside the white painted building.

The corridor I walked in led underground. I halted not sure that I had chosen the right door, but then again I was not in the mood to search the entire building for the right back door so I continued.

I had to control the sake. It was my only pleasure left in this world, the only thing that seemed to taste real, although I had never actually tasted sake when I was still a human in the real world. But I remember the intense, bitter scent. Father and uncle-Sosouke loved it. Even later my brothers would join them, while I was left with only a cup of tea…

I found myself almost dragging my legs as I turned into another corridor and there I saw a door at the far end. It had to be it. It was rather secretive, although the back door wasn't that hard to find. It seems that the people of 4th Division are even weirder than I thought.

I opened the door and my ears must have gone deaf as I heard such a rampage going on. Everything had gone so beautifully quiet back in the corridor the shouts in this huge, cylindrical room echoed like drums in my ears.

It was amazingly crowded and I tried to distinguish familiar faces in this ocean of black and white dressed Shinigamis. The thing that made me frown even more was that the men were more than the women, and I started thinking whether I had indeed drunk too much yesterday and misunderstood that today was the _Women's _Association's meeting.

But… both Abarai-kun and Hitsugaya-taicho mentioned the _Women's _Association and not the… _General _Association- if one existed…

"Oh! Big-Booby-chan! Finally!" I heard an annoyingly high-pitched voice calling me from somewhere. Only one person could screech like this and call people with such ridiculous nicknames; Kusajishi Yachiru, the lieutenant of the 11th Division and the president of the Shinigami Women's Association.

She was way smaller than my captain with shoulder-length pink hair and big, dark brown eyes and a cute, baby-face. She was beaming bouncing up and down barely reaching the height of my chest.

"Now, now! We have an important mission today, Matsu-chan! You must go there!" she pointed straight ahead where at the far end of the room a desk had been laid and a long line of men Shinigami were standing. Behind the desk a nervous Ise Nanao, the lieutenant of the 8th Division was fighting to deal with this entire male crowd around her. "Nana-chan will fill you up! Go, go!" Yachiru tried to push me but I barely felt her hand on the back of my thigh.

"What on earth is going on here?" I asked noticing Kira standing under a huge poster. I had to look twice to realize that the person imprinted on this huge poster was none other but me.

I gapped and pointed at the poster.

"Wh-What the hell…?"

But Yachiru had left me standing there looking like a fish staring blankly at myself blowing a kiss blinking one eye. I can't remember ever poising like this, especially not in front of a camera…

I felt my face burn and then someone in the crowd called my name.

"Oi! It's Matsumoto-san! There!"

About hundred men dressed with the usual black and white Shinigami robes, and some wearing the white and blue uniform of the Shinigami Academy turned around to look at me.

I froze.

"Huh? _What?_" I cried and I found myself praying under my breath for the ground beneath me to open up and swallow me.

"I will never have sake again!" I muttered to myself and disappeared from this strange place, where… I don't even want to know why all men Shinigami with those greedy looks -except the captains which was a kind of relief- had gathered in a place with a huge poster of mine as if it was the cover of some adult-photo calendar…

"There's no way I'm going back inside!" I grunted feeling now really angry with all the Women's Association had planned behind my back.

There was only one place where I could be safe…

"HITSUGAYA-TAICHOOOO!" I called to no one and ran with all my strength back to the 10th Division's headquarters and the pile of reports that needed filling.


	4. Under the Captain's Glare

**Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :)**

**I know it's been a little confusing, but it'll become clearer in the following chapters - promise ;) Please enjoy!**

**I do not own Bleach!

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**Chapter 4 – Under the Captain's Glare**

I was still running when I reached the small wooden bridge that led towards the entrance of the building that housed the 10th Division and my eyes fell on the narrow windows that surrounded the office where I hoped Hitsugaya-taicho would be.

A breeze forced the huge pine tree to rustle slightly above the roof and I tried to remember the scent of fresh snow. But my head was too filled up with anger and question marks about what was going on back in that underground room of the 4th Division's headquarters.

I saw the door that led to my salvation and opened it up and shut it behind me as I was panting. My back leaned to the door and I slid down to the floor feeling suddenly exhausted.

"Did you even make it to the meeting?" I heard Hitsugaya-taicho's voice.

He was still in the same position behind his desk, but instead the piles of papers had moved from his to mine.

I sighed as soon as I caught my breath.

"Oh yeah!" I just sat there staring at the ceiling. And then something passed across my mind making me flinch with fear.

"Ehm, Captain?" I chuckled nervously. "Did, by any chance, Unohana-taicho t-tell you the…" I swallowed with difficulty "the reason of today's meeting?"

I looked at the Captain fearing that in any second he'd smirk and laugh at me, or even comment on my way of dressing and that it was the reason everyone treated me the way they did… but he didn't. He simply met my shaking stare and frowned.

If he knew, he wouldn't simply assign me all this paperwork, he would send me into exile.

"Why? What happened?" he asked as if he knew I had probably done something I already regretted about. The problem was I didn't remember doing something _that_ regrettable.

"Ah! Well…" I stood up again and grinned confidently. "let's say we both misunderstood this whole thing about the meeting!"

"What thing?"

"The meeting!"

"You say I misunderstood that simple sentence Unohana told me?"

I nodded, but then I shook my head realizing what I had done.

"No, no! She just confused herself! It happens all the time! Captains have so many other things to think about!"

"So there was no meeting?"

I frowned not sure whether I should keep lying or it would all be too much.

Hitsugaya-taicho crossed his arms on his chest and stood up approaching me.

"Matsumoto, I have no idea what you're up this time and, honestly, I don't want to know as long as it doesn't affect your work. So, if indeed there is no reason for you to be in that supposed meeting of yours then act serious for once and fill in those two months old reports!" he said and just stood there in front of me staring at me down.

There was a dangerous glance in his dark turquoise eyes which made me stand up and head straight away to my desk.

His eyes followed me and he sighed sounding tired as he left the room.

I leaned my forehead on my palm too aware of myself and this strange feeling of unsettlement I was feeling. Not only with whatever perverted reason those men had gathered in the 4th Division in a room with a poster of me, but also with the lie I had just spit out to Hitsugaya-taicho.

He knew I had lied, or more correctly put I had hidden the truth, but he didn't ask why I did this. He never did. He would only give me this disappointed, filled with irritation glare and sigh, something that always made me feel suddenly so inferior. But now… it felt even heavier on my shoulders, so I filled all those reports trying to remember every detail from my past missions in the last couple of months without any further complain.


	5. Time

**Chapter 5 - Time**

Toushirou ran with flash steps through Seireitei leaving his office far behind trusting Matsumoto with the paperwork.

She wasn't acting herself today and it worried him, but he knew she wouldn't disappoint him with her duties. She was not a person who'd let her personal affairs mess with her obligations and his trust on her, but still it caused an uneasy heaviness in his guts as he was approaching the headquarters of the 1st Division.

The Captain-Commander of the Gotei 13 and Captain of the 1st Division, Yamamoto-sotaicho had called for all Captains to meet up in the assembly hall which was hosted in the buildings of the 1st Division. Something was threatening Soul Society and Toushirou focused on this matter shoving away his worries about his lieutenant in the back of his mind.

As he was running with flash steps from roof to roof through the buildings of Seireitei, the centre of Rukongai where the purest souls dwell and all the offices of the Gotei 13 are, he met up with Kyoraku Shunsui the Captain of the 8th Division.

He was a rather tall man with his wavy brown hair in a low ponytail and a straw hat shadowing his thin face. His jaws were covered with short facial hair while a worried smile appeared on his lips. He nodded at Toushirou running with flash steps beside him, his long pink kimono with flowery patterns waved above his shoulders and his Zanpakuto tied by his waist.

"Morning, Toushirou-san!" he greeted him casually.

Toushirou glanced at the fellow captain trying not to show his slight irritation with Kyoraku calling him by his first name.

"Kyoraku!" he simply greeted.

"Hm! I wonder what's been harassing the peace and quiet now." Kyoraku said his dark grey eyes staring into the nothingness.

Toushirou had no clue what was going on now. But the fact that all Captains were gathering in the assembly hall meant that the matter was of great importance.

"We'll find out soon!" he said, mostly talking to himself and the image of Matsumoto swearing at the papers he had burdened her with appeared behind his eyelids.

The headquarters of the 1st Division consisted of several buildings connected with narrow verandas and to the north the vertical side of a mountain, where the Palace of Remorseful Sin, a group of cylindrical white towers, was situated, hid them under its shadow.

Toushirou and Kyoraku noticed other shadows running with flash steps towards the buildings.

They halted in front of the wooden, white fences that surrounded the buildings and entered through an opening walking under the blossoming cherry trees. The ground beneath their feet was covered with a soft blanket of white and pink petals and every step felt lighter than usual. The sun was slowly reaching its zenith glowing intensely on top of the great mountain, while the forest of white trees on the east of the mountain that was covering the entire side glowed like snow.

Toushirou imagined real snow covering Seireitei and strong winds blowing through the streets howling like wolves. It felt like a dream, like a distant memory, but he had no memories left from his life before his death. He had died in a young age, and all he remembered began with his life in Rukongai with his grandmother and Hinamori.

And, besides, it never snowed in Soul Society…

The east wall of the first building in sight was covered with a white fence on which a tall jasmine bush was hanging with bright yellow petals. Toushirou and Kyoraku pulled the fence slightly towards themselves and a heavy sound echoed as if a stone was being dragged.

Behind the fence with the jasmine bush a round opening was revealed.

Kyoraku pointed with his open palm at the entrance letting Toushirou go through first while he followed closing the fence behind him. The jasmine bush let a few sunrays infiltrate its thick leaves like little glowing fireflies in the dark steep corridor that led underground towards the assembly hall.

Following many stairs downwards, Toushirou felt the air get more humid when he heard whispers. Many other Captains had arrived standing in front of a wooden door with double leaves.

Toushirou glanced at each Captain present noticing in some of their faces worry, in others pure indifference and in others wide smiles as if they had gathered to exchange gossips.

Toushirou kept his face calm, always tracking down whatever everybody was doing. It was a habit of his, to have everyone around him figured out in case it was needed. And in most cases it was.

"Ah! Jushirou!" Kyoraku greeted the tall, white-haired Captain of the 13th Division. The man looked around at them giving them a weak smile. He looked even paler than he normally did in this semi-lit place.

"Shunsui! Hitsugaya-san! You have any idea what's the matter this time?" Ukitake Jushirou asked his arms crossed on his chest.

"Nope! No idea!" Kyoraku replied for them both.

Toushirou noticed the Captain of the 11th Division, Zaraki Kenpachi arrive from a different entrance. He was the biggest in size of them all, with broad shoulders and long spiky hair standing in the air decorated with tiny bells at the ends. He always wore an eye-patch on his right eye while a huge scar extended from his forehead down to his jaws.

An evil smile appeared on his face when his eyes wandered to all the Captains gathered.

Toushirou never liked that man. He was the only one to become a Captain through other means than the usual. This man had no real connection to his Zanpakuto. And for that, Toushirou showed a more inferior respect towards Zaraki. A man who depended only on his muscularity and strength was a lesser man than the rest.

But Toushirou kept his thoughts to himself, not keeping too long eye-contact with anyone.

He linked his palms under his wide sleeves of his black kimono, wearing his captain's white haori on top, while his Zanpakuto was resting in its sheath on his back.

Suddenly, the double doors opened up leading into the assembly hall.

The twelve Captains who had gathered walked calmly inside the square room with the dark red painted walls and the shiny wooden floor. Straight ahead on a wooden chair Yamamoto-sotaicho was seated, the Captain-Commander.

He was the eldest of all Shinigami in Soul Society with time carved deeply on his figure. He was tall with a grey long beard forming a long braid in front of his chest. His small red eyes were always scanning his surroundings, hidden under thick, long grey eyebrows.

When all Captains lined up on each side of the Captain-Commander, the old Shinigami stood up with slightly shaking legs and hid his hands behind his back looking at each Captain.

Toshirou stood between the huge Zaraki and Ukitake keeping his eyes fixed on Yamamoto-sotaicho.

"Something rather unsettling is taking place in the Human world." The old man began with his deep voice. "Strange kinds of Hollows have been found disrupting the Human world. Instead of feeding with souls they were found controlling their victims and causing a great deal of trouble there."

Toushirou noticed Yamamoto-sotaicho's eyes dart towards Kuchicki Byakuya, the Captain of the 6th Division. A man with long, black hair and a white, silky scarf hiding half of his chin. His emotionless grey eyes met Yamamoto-sotaicho's and Toushirou felt an uncomfortable tension growing between them.

"The lost souls are too many and these strange, powerful Hollows must be defeated. As we speak, more and more move from the Hollow world towards the Human world releasing their _reiatsu_. The Shinigami that have been already sent to investigate the matter failed."

Toushirou frowned. Hollows that have the ability to control and manipulate their victims were not uncommon, but the fact that an entire group of Shinigami sent for this specific matter had died in the process was rather worrying.

He glanced at each Captain he could look without moving his head, noticing that most of them must be thinking what he was thinking.

"This is no ordinary attack of some Hollows, but it seems to be an organized plot from a being much more intelligent." Yamamoto-sotaicho said after a moment of silence.

Toushirou met the Captain-Commander's eyes.

"Hitsugaya-taicho." He turned his gaze on the other side towards Kurotsuchi Mayuri, the Captain of the 12th Division and president of the Research and Development Institute of Seireitei. Kurotsuchi was a totally emotionless being, with a black painted face and bright, honey-brown eyes which glanced like gold under the light of the hall. A white hat settled on his head with two long spikes standing to the right. He was wearing a white turtle-neck uniform under his captain's kimono and haori with a hood. A woolen, purple scarf hung from his neck loose.

His cold eyes met the Captain-Commander's and then Toushirou's.

"Kurotsuchi-taicho. I want you two to investigate the matter and put an end to this." The old man said and sat down on his chair.

Toushirou noticed a cunning smile appear on Kurotsuchi's black face.

"Sotaicho! Investigate? Could you possibly mean there'd be something left to investigate in the Human world?" the man with the cold, golden-like eyes asked.

Captain-Commander didn't look at him as he replied calmly.

"These Hollows' _reiatsu_ is also affecting Soul Society. _This only_ would be interesting enough for _you_, Kurotsuchi-taicho."

The Captain of the 12th Division kept his eyes on the elder Shinigami as if he was trying to find out more valuable details behind these few words he'd said.

Toushirou bit the insides of his cheeks wondering why the Captain-Commander trusted such an unstable personality of a Captain on a mission that demanded them travelling into the living world.

"Time…" Yamamoto-sotaicho began his eyes wandering into another dimension as he spoke. A glow appeared in his small, red eyes which made many of the Captains uneasy.

"Whatever these Hollows are doing in the Human world is affecting time in Soul Society. Days are shorter, nights are colder… most of you may not have noticed, but for someone who has lived too long and time is an element that changes gradually, even the tiniest of changes are perceivable."

Toushirou heard in the back of his mind the deep, melodic voice of his Zanpakuto calling his name, as if the soul of the blade felt the same restlessness he was feeling.

Time was irrelevant in Soul Society. Some grew faster than others. He was the perfect example of the opposite; he had been living in Soul Society for a hundred and forty years, yet physically he had grown only six or seven years. Whereas Ukitake, the Captain with the pale complexity and the white, long hair had lived here for as long as he did, but had grown physically more than fifteen years.

But, beside that, time never was a matter in this place. A soul couldn't age. It could only change its appearance. Some said it depended on the person's spiritual energy, while others claimed it had to do with the person's way of life back in the Human world, when they were still alive.

Toushirou frowned when one question troubled his mind.

"Sotaicho!" he said, drawing everyone's attention. "If time has changed here, does it mean it'll change in the Human world as well?"

Kurotsuchi met Toushirou's eyes and he noticed the sudden interest awakening in these inhuman, honey-brown eyes.

"You will be the first to investigate that matter." He responded and shuffled his thin hands on his lap. "But it wouldn't surprise me if it did."

Toushirou nodded with respect and the voice of his Zanpakuto's soul grew stronger in the back of his mind calling unknown words to him, speaking a language he didn't understand. But he sensed the concern and the fear, and it reached him back, making his guts heavy inside.

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**Finally getting to the point...!**

**Thank you so much for your time, and please tell me what you think :)**

**Just in case some information doesn't add up with Bleach, well i have changed some things just so they fit up with my story; like ages and so... if anything is still confusing you dont hesitate to ask! Until next time XD**


	6. While you were sleeping

**Chapter 6 – While you were sleeping…**

As Toushirou climbed outside the round entrance in the east wall of the building of 1st Division's headquarters his eyes immediately searched for the sun, as Captain-Commander's words still lingered in the air.

Kyoraku followed him looking at him concerned.

Toushirou found the exact spot he had been standing previously when he had looked up at the mountain with the forest of white trees covering its east side and the sun behind it.

He frowned observing the white blanket of leaves which previously had looked like snow, but there was no glow over it anymore. Now it looked like a real white forest.

"That's crazy!" he commented staring at the small, thin clouds floating towards the north vanishing behind the gigantic mountain.

"That time flows differently than usual?" Kyoraku asked fixing his straw hat as he looked up at the sky.

Toushirou thought that the shadows over the 1st Division's headquarters had indeed changed, but if the Captain-Commander hadn't said anything he was sure he wouldn't notice a single thing. Even if it had been already sundown he would only comment about how long this meeting had lasted.

He rubbed the back of his neck feeling tensed.

"How are we supposed to investigate something that can change the flow of time?" he wondered out loud.

Kurotsuchi approached them with his slow pace, a grin showing off his too white teeth.

"By investigating the ones that are responsible for changing it. Hollows, Humans or whatever these objects are. It's their _reiatsu._ There's no other explanation." He said hiding his gloved hands under his robe.

"That means they possess one hell of spiritual energy!" Kyoraku said making the atmosphere suddenly uneasy between them.

There was silence for a long moment as the other captains fled, and only Kurotsuchi, Ukitake, Kyoraku and Toushirou were left standing under the pink cherry blossoms. A breeze came from the south and clouds of white and pink petals whooshed through the air.

"Then we shall act at once. Kurotsuchi." Toushirou turned at the black faced man waiting for his suggestions.

"Look, Hitsugaya-taicho! I'm not going anywhere unless I'm persuaded this matter needs indeed my abilities. Until then my lieutenant is capable enough to stand up with this strange kind of Hollows. I'm not going to fight Hollows. I did that hundreds of years ago." As he spoke his jaws opened up as if they were mechanical, his eyes never staying at one spot.

Toushirou chewed on his lower lip crossing his arms on his chest.

He wasn't at all amused with the idea of travelling to the Human world. Everything felt so foreign there. The air smelled differently, the scents were heavier and, above all, his spiritual energy felt as if it was being suppressed. Which was indeed, because the _reiatsu _Shinigami emitted could have a great impact in a world where spiritual energy in general was way lower.

But what bothered Toushirou more was the fact that Kurotsuchi was indifferent to Yamamoto-sotaicho's orders. Still, this could be of advantage to him. It would be difficult for him to wander in the Human world accompanied by such a strange creature as Kurotsuchi. Working alongside another Captain, especially such a self-centered, emotionless man as him, wouldn't bring good results. And he hated failing…

Toushirou rubbed his chin.

"Ok. Kurotsuchi, I'll go to the Human world. Send your lieutenant along. You'll do whatever you have to do here. Search for any information of the existence of such powerful beings."

Kurotsuchi nodded, not getting rid of his grin.

"I was planning to do exactly this. I can communicate with Nemu anytime. My invention, you see! She will be at the 10th Division…"

"We'll depart at sundown." Toushirou said simply.

Kurotsuchi nodded understanding and he walked away vanishing with flash steps from their sight.

Kyoraku and Ukitake exchanged glances and looked down at Toushirou.

He frowned looking to the west wondering if sundown would take place in its time, not earlier, not later…

"Hitsugaya-taicho, please stay in contact at all times." Ukitake told him coughing. He placed his hand in front of his mouth and discreetly wiped it in his handkerchief under his haori. "It doesn't sound like an easy mission." He added.

Kyoraku shot Toushirou a glance filled with concern, but when their eyes met he smiled at him faintly.

"Good luck, Hitsugaya-taicho!" he said calling him for the first time in his formal name.

Toushirou kept his darker than usual turquoise eyes longer fixed on Kyoraku's and nodded.

This was no ordinary mission, he knew that much. But it was an honor, something Kurotsuchi didn't seem to get. Yamamoto-sotaicho knew well that Toushirou was perhaps the best of Gotei 13 to act on the field with tact, restraint and effectiveness under pressure. Besides he wouldn't be alone…

Back, in his office in the 10th Division's headquarters he found his lieutenant sleeping deeply on the couch.

He sighed unable to think of any way to bring this woman to senses. Luckily he didn't smell any sake, which was a good sign. He wouldn't want a drunken lieutenant to accompany him in the Human world.

Toushirou took off his Zanpakuto and looked at it with concern. He placed it on his desk and that's when he noticed the pile of unfilled reports lying on his desk.

"That Matsumoto… " he began but when he grabbed the first report he noticed scribbles on it. The same on the next one and the next one.

His eyes fell on the peacefully sleeping Matsumoto and couldn't hold a smirk of satisfaction. She had filled the reports in such a short time…

He leaned backwards and crossed his arms behind his head.

What awaited them in the Human world… was it indeed the Hollows that caused all this trouble, or was something bigger, more intelligent behind all this…

Maybe some gate had been opened that let Hollows in great numbers to travel back and forth from their world. The Human world was like a carnival of feast for those ugly Hollows. Huge cities with so many human souls crowded together, this was their food, their energy. The reason they existed.

Toushirou sighed once more and his eyes fell on Matsumoto. Worries he had concerning her appeared, drowning the matter of his mission. What was going on in her mind, why she was acting so strange lately. The Matsumoto he knew was always with a beaming smile on her face, an uncontrollable sparkle in her bright grayish-blue eyes which sometimes reached such light blue tints that were hardly distinguished from the white of her eyes.

He actually found himself observing her dark eyelashes moving slightly as she was going through a vivid dream. She was a woman capable to defend herself, if not stronger than most men of her Shinigami generation. He looked up to her. And, something that rarely happened, she had made a great impact to him from the very first time they had met. It had been years ago, when he was still a little boy living in a hut in Junrinan district, in the west part of Rukongai.

Years had passed by rather quickly since then…

Without realizing it a smile appeared on his lips as his eyes observed the, according to every single man in Soul Society, divinely attractive woman on the couch of his office.

Toushirou remembered at one tea-session of the ones Yamamoto-sotaicho would organize every once in a while, where he had been dragged to come by Hinamori and Matsumoto, Kyoraku actually asking him to trade lieutenants for a week. He remembered Ise Nanao's shocked and hurt expression, Kyoraku's lieutenant, and the cunning smile on Kyoraku's face.

Of course he denied without second thought, but Kyoraku immediately made the wrong conclusion, stating that he wanted Matsumoto all by himself.

Toushirou had simply stared back at the Captain of the 8th Division blankly.

Matsumoto pulled the pillow closer to her face and he noticed her cheeks blushing slightly.

Maybe he didn't like the idea of his lieutenant drinking uncontrollably sake with the also-sake-fan Kyoraku and eventually find them half-dead in his office. Besides he was the one who accepted her as his lieutenant, so it was his obligation to protect her.

That was at least the excuse he gave himself for acting so protectively towards her. He was her captain…

Matsumoto moved hiding half of her face in the fluffy pillow and her fleshy lips parted slightly. Toushirou felt his part as well and missed a heartbeat realizing what he was doing. His eyes drifted from her peaceful face towards the long, wavy, dark-blonde hair that were falling loosely on her rich bosom. The golden chain around her neck which end was hidden between her breasts glanced as she brought her hand under the pillow. Toushirou's breathing pace was getting faster with every inch his eyes would move on his lieutenant.

It was not the first time he had looked at her like this, besides the way she was wearing her Shinigami uniform provoked anyone to look at her this way, but the intensity of that moment surprised him. Even terrified him. He had a dangerous mission to trouble his mind with, so why was he turning so vulnerable in front of such an attractive, sleeping Matsumoto…

His fingers behind his head pulled at the short hair on the small of his neck and he shivered with the movement.

He shut his eyes hoping it would calm him down, but he could still see her eyelashes, her fleshy, dark-pink lips, the golden chain on her collarbone ending…

There was a knock on the door and Toushirou almost fell from his chair in terror.

Matsumoto moaned in her sleep with the sudden noise. Toushirou swore under his breath and walked to the door opening it abruptly.

"_What?_" he shot harshly when he saw the unexpected visitor.

Hinamori Momo, lieutenant of the 5th Division and his first friend in Soul Society when he was still living in Junrinan district, was standing at his doorstep wearing her casual smile. Her black hair was tied in a loose ponytail and was wearing her black Shinigami robe, her Zanpakuto hanging from a sheath at her white belt.

"Hey, Hitsugaya-kun!"

Toushirou couldn't find his calm as he was trying to keep the door open enough only for his head to fit through.

"Ehm! What are you doing here?" he asked, trying to sound as normal as possible. But Hinamori noticed the slight tremble in his voice and her smile faded as a cunning smirk covered it.

Toushirou missed a heartbeat fearing she had figured him out.

"Can I come in?"

"Why?"

"Are you hiding something from me, Hitsugaya-kun?"

Toushirou knew now she had figured him out.

"I have a mission to prepare for." He said hoping intensely this would drive Hinamori away as soon as possible.

"Yeah, I heard and I wanted to-"

Toushirou heard footsteps and suddenly something warm and rather soft touched the back of his head. He felt like being lit with fire as his vision blurred.

"Ah! Momo-chan!" Matsumoto leaned to greet Hinamori, and Toushirou felt like fainting and staying there on the ground unconscious for the rest of his life. "Why don't you come in?"

Matsumoto grabbed the edge of the door and her fingers touched Toushirou's as she did. He drew them away and bended to get as far away from her as possible.

"Hey, Hitsugaya-taicho!" he heard her call him innocently, but he avoided her as he hid himself behind his desk. His hand searched for his Zanpakuto's handle in defense. If she touched him again he swore he'd unleash his blade…

Matsumoto led Hinamori to the couch on which he had previously witnessed her… sleeping…, he grabbed a book he had for the spare moments in the drawer and made himself look busy looking there instead of somewhere else.

"So, when will you be departing?" Hinamori asked.

Matsumoto was heading towards the nearby room which served as their kitchen and looked over her shoulder at Hinamori. Toushirou kept his eyes on his book.

"Departing?"

Hinamori nodded.

"Yes. As soon as Aizen-taicho told me I came straight here. It sounds rather terrifying!"

Toushirou lifted his gaze to Hinamori.

"You didn't tell her yet?" she scolded him.

Toushirou sighed letting the book on his desk and his eyes fell on the filled reports Matsumoto had completed in such a short time. If indeed it had been a _short_ time…

"No…" he said and brushed his palm over his face. He was going crazy, and he couldn't afford that. Not now.

His eyes met Matsumoto's.

"She was too busy sleeping!" he shot harshly his eyebrows twitching.

Matsumoto opened her eyes wide and with two big steps reached his desk slamming her palms on the wooden surface. Toushirou flinched grabbing his Zanpakuto.

"_A mission_? And couldn't you simply wake me up? It wouldn't be the first time!" she shouted at him.

"Yeah, well…"

"Well what?"

"I fell asleep!"

"_What_?"

Toushirou knew that lying was not the perfect option, but it would save him a lot of trouble and questions popping up. Besides Matsumoto had lied herself as well earlier that morning, so now they were even.

Matsumoto's eyes stayed on his as she was searching his face, and when she was satisfied with whatever she had found, or hopefully not found, she straightened up crossing her arms causing her bosom to look even richer than it already was.

Toushirou looked down at his Zanpakuto's sheath.

"What's the mission about then?"

Toushirou tried to calm his body down from the strange tension and looked seriously at his lieutenant.

"We must go to the real world. Some very powerful Hollows are controlling their victims and causing trouble. And it seems this trouble is also influencing Soul Society."

"Influencing Soul Society?" Matsumoto asked with a concerned look.

"Up to now, the only well grounded theory behind all this is that whatever kind of Hollows they are they possess such great spiritual power that it can affect Soul Society by disrupting time's flow." Toushirou explained.

"Disrupt time? That must be some very powerful _reiatsu_ to achieve something like this!" Matsumoto said touching her golden chain around her neck, which she did every time she was deep in thoughts.

"We could ask for Kurosaki-kun's help. He's a lot more familiar with the Human world than us."

Toushirou frowned.

"Well, let's not rush many people in this…" he began and sat straight on his chair placing his Zanpakuto on the desk. "Let's check things out first, only our souls. If the matter demands us staying there we'll ask for Kurosaki's assistance." Toushirou sighed, his fingers sliding down the edges of the pile of Matsumoto's reports making a rustling sound.

The more he thought about it the more this mission felt more dangerous and risky, and for a moment's moment he even thought of going all by himself… but he'd never achieve something like this with this lieutenant of his…

He looked up at her seeing how worried she looked.

"What's wrong, Captain?" she asked, her face darkened.

Toushirou stood up, his blade in his hand and walked towards the door desiring to stay alone for a little while.

"We'll find out what's wrong…" he said not looking at them as he stood by the door. "At sundown lieutenant Kurotsuchi will meet us. Please make yourself ready, Matsumoto…" he told her, not minding Hinamori for being here and witnessing the weakness and concern in his deep, harsh voice.

His hand was slightly shaking as he touched the door handle and left the two women he cared most about behind.


	7. Snow

**Chapter 7 – Snow**

As we passed through the portal Hitsugaya-taicho summoned, the so called _Senkaimon_, to travel from Soul Society to the Human world, Nemu, Hitsugaya-taicho and I found ourselves surrounded by naked trees, a dark grey sky and snow under our feet.

We were only souls, so we couldn't feel the cold, but I could imagine it; how it felt to get numb fingers while wearing no gloves, or the fog that came out with every exhale. I remembered it all and it excited me.

I walked on the freshly fallen snow, getting the goosebumps with the sound my feet made on this velvet blanket of frozen water. I looked over my shoulder at my captain seeing the surprise in his eyes. I knew well that here he'd feel more comfortable than in any place in Soul Society. Here in this forest with snow all around him.

I couldn't help but smile at him and he smirked in response approaching me.

Nemu, the lieutenant of 12th Division and Kurotsuchi-taicho's artificially made daughter, was a quiet person with big, dark green eyes and black hair with a blue glint tied in a long braid on her back. She was wearing a short black kimono and her Zanpakuto was hanging from her waist. Even before such beautiful scenery and an element never present in Soul Society as the snow, Nemu showed no emotion on her perfect face. She simply stared straight ahead awaiting for orders.

I placed my hands on my hips trying to figure out where we had landed.

But something very different drew my attention in the light grey, white environment. There was something in the air, something that made my body feel heavy as if being suppressed from every direction. I still could move, but it felt tiring after a while.

I glanced at Hitsugaya-taicho next to me who was scanning his surroundings.

"Can you feel it?" I asked in an undertone.

"Hm!" he nodded and walked ahead, his feet barely making a sound on the fresh snow.

I leaned to grab some in my hands, but all I could feel was the texture of it. Like hundred little pieces of icy spheres rustling between my fingers and palms. But they didn't turn softer due to the temperature my body was emitting, because I was a soul. And souls didn't emit heat.

I glanced at Nemu who caught up with me, her eyes watching closely what I was doing.

"This is some strange place." She commented simply, her hands linked in front of her.

"It's been years since I last saw snow…" I said with a broad smile letting the still frozen snow fall in thick pieces from my hand. "I hope I could feel it melt in my hands!"

I noticed no reaction from Nemu, but still I grinned at her.

"It's beautiful! I wish I could come more often in the living world." I said looking up at the dark grey clouds hiding the sky. "It must have been snowing for quite a while!"

The atmosphere was dull and the light making it through the clouds was dim, but it had to be afternoon.

Hitsugaya-taicho had been walking around us checking every direction. When he halted he turned towards us.

"This way. The _reiatsu_ feels greater there. Let's go." He said, his voice sounded slightly harsher than usual.

Ever since he had told me of the mission, I had noticed the nervousness growing inside of him. His eyes had a darker tint filled with concern ever since Nemu had arrived at our headquarters as the sun was setting over Soul Society. Even Momo-chan had noticed it, and she even made me promise to keep a closer eye on him, as he would never get nervous over a mission so easily.

I knew that… I had been his lieutenant from the very beginning of his career as a captain…

Still, the danger of this mission was unknown to me, but I could feel the _reiatsu_ all over the place. It flowed through the naked, skinny branches of this forest, it flowed all over the thick clouds and the air we were breathing.

I hoped it wasn't a single Hollow that emitted this massive energy, or else… this was a doomed mission…

Nemu and I followed Hitsugaya-taicho down the hill and beyond the thick blanket of snow and a small river that glowed like an icy-blue serpent a city extended, and at that moment we knew where these Hollows were.

In a place where human souls were crowded in such a restricted place…

The sky seemed vast above us, and I could read the signs of a new snow storm approaching, although I couldn't smell it in the air. On the one hand I couldn't wait to live through those few winters I loved back in my living days, but on the other it was clear something was very wrong.

Hitsugaya-taicho, Nemu and I ran with flash steps from tree to tree heading towards the city from where this massive _reiatsu _was coming.

When we reached the frozen river, Hitsugaya-taicho slowed down and halted at the edge staring down at the glassy surface with cracks all over filled with snow. The concern in his eyes seemed to grow, even his face looked tensed and wrinkles appeared on the edges of his eyes.

"Captain?" I whispered hating not knowing what was going on in his head.

I touched his shoulder and he flinched looking up at me.

I frowned.

"Hyourinmaru…" he muttered his Zanpakuto's name. "He's trying to talk to me." He said silently so that only I could hear him. "But I can't understand…" his eyes flickered as they stared at the surface of the frozen water.

"Hitsugaya-taicho…" my hand tightened on his shoulder feeling the shiver in his body. " Let's use Gigai and investigate farther. In our spirit form it's normal to be affected that much from this strange _reiatsu_. We'll be a lot more effective in human bodies." I let him and made a step so that I could face him better. His eyes filled with concern met mine. "I believe it has to do with the amount of spiritual power you possess that it affects you and Hyourinmaru more than us. Let's hope it won't be that effective in our Gigai!" I smiled at him confidently. "Besides, whether you wanted this or not, this…" I pointed at the city extending at the other side of the river, "is Kurosaki-kun's town! He must have realized something's wrong here long before we did. Let's go find him, so that we can orientate ourselves in this maze!"

Hitsugaya-taicho glanced at the ice a step ahead of him and then looked back at me, a smirk of satisfaction appeared on his face. I felt my cheeks heat up and I smiled back at him, feeling lucky to be the one he gives this little piece of emotion to.

As we ran through the city, which was even more covered with snow, we felt the _reiatsu_ increase in intensity, and I couldn't help but notice my captain's face grow tenser while the distance towards the centre of the city lessened.

The tall, metallic buildings in the centre were hardly visible behind a thick mist, while ice cones had formed at the edges of the houses' roofs.

I was leading us towards Kurosaki-kun's house, which I could sense from his _reiatsu_, something he still hadn't quite learnt how to control.

Kurosaki Ichigo was a rather indiscreet fellow, who was originally a Human born with the ability to see and communicate with spirits. But some time ago, strange and mysterious circumstances gave him a Shinigami's powers, so ever since he worked as our informal link with whatever was happening in the living world. Actually, one person was responsible for this; Kuchiki Rukia, adopted sister of Kuchiki-taicho and member of the 13th Division.

Of course, most of the captains, one of whom was also my captain, didn't trust this _ryoka_. I guessed it had to do with the fact that not often one single person could make such a rampage in Soul Society, but, I had also come up with another theory, and that was jealousy.

Kurosaki-kun, being nothing but a substitute Shinigami, possessed abilities other Shinigami who have been training for hundreds of years hadn't.

I could understand that and sometimes I even amused myself by imagining my captain fighting that extra-ordinary substitute Shinigami…

Of course, Hitsugaya-taicho had no clue.

The road we reached was deserted, like most of the city. We halted in front of a house in the suburbs which had a big glass door and on top a blue sign which said _Kurosaki Medical Clinic_. It was a two storey house, like most in this neighbourhood were, with small naked trees in front of the big windows and a veranda on the second floor.

I heard a voice from the back and something metallic hitting the road.

I walked towards the back and saw a tall man with short, spiky black hair and a white robe. He was shoveling the snow from the back door of the clinic, but I noticed how his gloved hands were shivering and even his teeth were grinding. The man stopped what he was doing and with a confused glare looked around, as if he had realized my presence.

I smiled and thought of having some fun, but a familiar voice caught my attention.

"And I was wondering when they'd send some back-up!" Kurosaki Ichigo's head popped out a window from the second floor and I looked up at him grinning.

"Long time no see, Kurosaki Ichigo!" I greeted him back.

The man next to me with the white robe looked up at Kurosaki-kun with a frown.

"Huh? What?" he shouted.

I chuckled and I just couldn't help myself. I made a big snowball in my hands and threw it on the unaware man's back. He shouted surprised and turned to look towards my direction seeing nothing and started swearing.

"ICHIGOOO!" he growled at Kurosaki-kun showing a fist.

"What are you waiting for? Come up here! Like hell I'm going outside with this…" Kurosaki-kun said, but the man next to me turned red with anger growling again.

"Oh, I _will_ come up and you'll pay for this! Having naughty, spirit friends! HAHAHA! Like hell I'm going to fall for this-" he had turned towards me again and I formed another snowball throwing it right on his face.

"Matsumoto! What are you doing?" I heard Hitsugaya-taicho's harsh voice and I shivered with the strict tone he was using.

"Oh, ehm, nothing!" I said nervously smiling innocently.

Nemu, following Hitsugaya-taicho faithfully leaned down on the pile of snow Kurosaki-kun's father had gathered and she repeated the exact hand movements I had in order to create a snowball. She looked like a little child repeating whatever she noticed around her with wonder in her big eyes of what might happen next. She kept adding more and more snow, always cupping it the same way she did in the beginning.

Both Hitsugaya-taicho and I were staring at her surprised with lips parted as she had formed the biggest snowball I had ever laid my eyes on.

She looked at Kurosaki's father who was still swearing under his breath while shoveling his yard and I smiled widely realizing Nemu's plan.

She held her gigantic snowball in both her hands and lifting it over her head she threw it towards the innocent Human. The man disappeared under the massive snowball, we heard no sound of him, saw not a single finger of him. There was only snow over him.

I burst into laughter feeling my captain's drilling stare on my back.

All in all, my strict captain forced me to get this man out of the snow, who was shivering endlessly in my arms with no strength whatsoever to swear or complain with the fact that a Soul he couldn't see was holding him in the air and laid him in his house on the couch by a fire, which I was also forced to lit so that this man wouldn't die.

When Kurosaki-kun came down the stairs and saw his snow-covered father wet the couch from the snow covering him he started laughing hard.

Hitsugaya-taicho glared at him the same way he had glared at me, surely thinking how childish and irresponsible all of his colleagues were, Nemu included.

Kurosaki-kun offered his father dry clothes and warm tea and then led us upstairs in his room.

Nemu was watching closely to everything Kurosaki was doing, as if she was recording everything for her report to her captain.

Kurosaki closed the door behind him and looked at each one of us.

He was a young man, at the age of sixteen with bright orange hair and brown eyes. He was slightly taller than me with angular jaws and a continuous frown on his forehead, wearing a blue, hooded sweater and jeans.

"So, what's going on here?" he asked looking all of a sudden serious.

Hitsugaya-taicho approached the window glancing at the small pile of snow settling on the corners.

"That's why we came here. Maybe you have a clue." The captain said looking at Kurosaki-kun.

"The _reiatsu_ in this town is massive. You must have felt it." I said crossing my arms in front of me.

Kurosaki sat on the spinning chair by his desk.

"Oh yeah! We have…" he began looking outside. "This has been going on for more than a week. It's supposed to be August! And look at this!" he pointed outside with an annoyance drawn on his face.

"It doesn't even snow in the winter, so why on earth is it snowing in August! And like _this_?"

I noticed Hitsugaya-taicho's face show anxiety and tension again, as it did in the forest outside this town.

"It's this _reiatsu_. This spiritual energy is so great it affects time, and so probably the seasons. The weather." Hitsugaya-taicho said. "The same is happening in Soul Society, though not in such intensity as here."

"What do you mean?"

Hitsugaya-taicho crossed his arms on his chest lowering his face as he replied.

"Time's flow has changed, but it's hardly detectable. But instead here…" he rubbed his chin. "the consequences are far greater." Hitsugaya-taicho looked at Kurosaki-kun. "What else has been happening here? Have you witnessed any strange kinds of Hollows? Or Humans being manipulated by them?"

Kurosaki stared back at him looking deep in thoughts. I felt my heart beat slightly faster as I felt the worry growing in the boy's _reiatsu_.

"You mean it's all connected? The winter in August and the Hollows?" he wondered.

"No. Not any kind of Hollows. They have to be some other kind of those beasts. Maybe… maybe they're not even Hollows."

"I don't understand!" Kurosaki stretched his legs and I sat on the bed opposite him. Nemu and Hitsugaya-taicho stayed at their places.

Hitsugaya-taicho sighed.

"I don't know myself! But according to this _reiatsu_ flowing everywhere in the city, it can't be a Hollow. Or even a thousand Hollows. It's… something else. That's why we came here. To investigate the matter and solve it. If this continues…" the captain looked with a deep frown at Kurosaki " soon time will start changing dramatically, and the winter in August will be the least of your worries!"

I felt my grip around my forearms tighten as I realized the truth behind Hitsugaya-taicho's words. Maybe I couldn't feel the intensity of this _reiatsu _the way he did, but still the unsettlement was so great like any other I'd felt in the past. Not even in Soul Society, where everything and everyone consisted of spiritual atoms have I felt this power straining my body. I had been in the Human world for only an hour, but if I stayed longer in my Soul's form I knew I'd begin feeling what Hitsugaya-taicho had been feeling since our arrival here. An uneasiness so deep it reached the Zanpakuto's soul…

As a result, Kurosaki decided to take us to the Urahara shop, a place a former captain of Gotei 13 and now exiled former Shinigami Urahara Kisuke resided, to provide us with our Gigai, so that we could move around in the Human world without being so affected by this _reiatsu_. And also, we were all hoping Urahara would have a better clue than Kurosaki about what was going on in this world.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed it XD**

**Tell me what you think, so I know if something isn't good i can fix it... especially any grammatic or vocabulary mistakes you think i'm repeating...o_O Some time ago i used to confuse the words flutter and flatter... hehe, but a kind person pointed it out for me! **

**Coming up; a cool invention of Urahara Kisuke's makes Matsumoto extremely happy... ;) (that's no good preview, but it's the funniest part of the next chapter... you'll see soon what i mean... i know, i'm being mean here!) Thanx a million times!**


	8. Something Real

**Chapter 8 –Something real**

With one step I made through Kurosaki-kun's doorway I noticed a snowflake drifting in front of my eyes. I followed it and saw more around me.

I smiled at the sky and the drifting small ice particles making their way to the ground. The atmosphere looked clearer than previously and the light slightly brighter.

This looked so beautiful that I felt pity for this scenery which existence was caused by something so _wrong_… and I felt sad and pity for all the souls in Soul Society who would never have, or ever had, the chance to see snow in the afterlife.

As we walked through the white town, we came across a group of little kids who were enjoying this unexpected weather, falling in the snow, building snowmen and grabbing a handful of snow and throw it at each other or even at anybody passing by.

Of course, Hitsugaya-taicho, Nemu and I were invisible in their eyes, but they did see Kurosaki and greeted him. The first one to throw snow though was Nemu, making the children start screaming with the invisible attacker.

Hitsugaya-taicho sighed walking silently in front of me. I found myself hoping the Gigai would lessen any worry or fear he was feeling because of this intense _reiatsu_ and find his old, good self again.

Hearing your Zanpakuto's voice calling you while not in a battle was not a good sign. And I knew well that Hitsugaya-taicho had a long time relationship with his Zanpakuto's soul. Ever since he had come in Soul Society the blade had been talking to him, although it had been a long time later that he found out his Zanpakuto's real name.

I had discovered the existence of my Zanpakuto a long time later in Shinigami Academy. And I was one of the very lucky ones, since Haineko, my Zanpakuto's real name, decided to make herself present right on time before I'd be expelled from Academy. One can become a Shinigami only if they have their own Zanpakuto.

It had been a beautiful and exciting time back then when Haineko revealed herself to me…

Especially since I had never forgotten my father's disapproval of having a blade of my own and I always wanted to become a warrior, like my father and my brothers. And a warrior is not complete unless he or she possesses the right blade. And my blade, as any Shinigami's Zanpakuto, is a part of my soul…

I looked at Hitsugaya-taicho's Zanpakuto hanging from a green sash on his back with a golden four-edged star connecting the handle with the hidden in its sheath blade. Hyourinmaru was a living piece of Hitsugaya-taicho, and his blade's uneasiness was his as well.

I increased the width of my steps to walk beside him, my left hand resting on my Zanpakuto at my hip.

He glanced at me from the corners of his eyes.

"Does Hyourinmaru still call for you?" I asked in an undertone.

He didn't look at me as he replied after a silent moment.

"Hmm!" he nodded. "But I control it now."

I kept my eyes on him knowing that that was only a part of the truth.

The Urahara shop was a fifteen-minute walk from Kurosaki's place. Located in a small, discreet alley the entrance was buried in two huge piles of snow. The double doors opened up and a little red haired boy appeared with a big frown wearing shorts and a too long for his height anorak over a black sweater.

"Jinta! Is Urahara here?" Kurosaki asked him, his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

Jinta, the red haired boy looked at each one of us. He was one of the few Human who could actually see the Souls.

"Soul Society Shinigami?" he wondered lifting an eyebrow.

"It's fucking freezing here, so let us in sometime!" Kurosaki growled funnily at the little boy, but he didn't look shaken by the tone Kurosaki had used.

"Booooss!" the boy shouted as he disappeared behind the doors. "The Kurosaki-idiot brought some Shinigami! He says they're here to arrest you!"

I frowned and glanced at Kurosaki who was showing his teeth.

"I hate that kid!" he muttered and went inside the shop.

We followed and halted at the doorstep where Kurosaki was blocking our way where a tall man with his face half hidden beneath a striped white-green hat was blocking his way. That was none other than Urahara Kisuke, the owner of this bizarre shop.

I found myself glued upon Nemu and Hitsugaya-taicho, who were glued upon Kurosaki's back.

I looked over my shoulder watching the snow drift in the air.

"Can you move forward please? My ass is freezing here!" I complained and pushed both Nemu and Hitsugaya-taicho on their backs.

"Hey!" the captain growled and lost his balance falling over Kurosaki knocking him down.

Nemu, somehow, managed to get away and land next to Urahara. I had to blink several times to see that between these two seconds I had pushed them and knocked them all down she had actually taken off her boots and was standing calmly watching down at us with those empty eyes of hers.

Hitsugaya-taicho glared at me his eyebrows twitching with irritation and he jumped up straightening his haori over his black uniform.

"Well! Hitsugaya-taicho, that's a surprise! Having the child prodigy in my manor!" Urahara said with his soft, deep voice grinning at my captain.

"Urahara Kisuke!" he stated simply.

"Hey boss!" Jinta appeared suddenly behind Urahara looking at me. "Do Souls feel cold?" he asked.

I chuckled shutting the double doors behind me.

"As far as I know… no!" the tall blonde man replied.

"But she said-!"

"I just wanted things to go a bit faster! It's rude to keep your guests standing by the door; whether they're souls or humans!" I said smirking at the little boy. I noticed how his eyes shifted lower down my face.

Even little boys…

"She's right! Come in! Please!" Urahara said and, when we all had taken our shoes off, we followed him in a small, square room with tatami and a small fire burning in a special built hole in the floor. I smelled tea and wished I felt actually cold so that the warm liquid could soothe me.

We took our seats on small, fluffy futons and were served tea from Urahara. He made himself comfortable between Kurosaki and Hitsugaya-taicho opposite me.

"So, don't tell me that this strange _reiatsu _brought you here?" Urahara asked sipping his tea.

I looked at my cup and then glanced at my captain's still tensed face, wondering if that moment his Zanpakuto was calling him again.

I turned to Urahara grinning.

"Urahara-san! Thank you for accepting us, but, before we do any briefing and chit-chatting here, I'd really like to get to the point! Well…" I linked my palms on my lap. "we would like you to provide us some Gigai, because this _reiatsu _is starting to get really annoying to my nerves and…" I looked at the curious Jinta eavesdropping behind the paper wall "I actually _want_ to feel cold!" I added another grin when I finished, feeling everybody's eyes, except Nemu's, on me.

Kurosaki's eyes had become rounder than usual.

"You're nuts!" he commented.

I chuckled and my eyes met Hitsugaya-taicho's who suddenly looked calmer. The colour on his face even seemed to be back to normal and that made me blush slightly, so I grabbed my tea and sipped pleasantly.

If we could avoid any further unnecessary time being in our Soul's form, which caused so much trouble to my captain, of course I'd make it quick, even if I made myself look ridiculous.

Besides I _was_ ridiculous sometimes, and I didn't mind!

"Gigai?" Urahara repeated.

"Can you?" I asked.

A smile appeared on the blonde man's face, something that made me feel all of a sudden uncomfortable.

"You came just in time!" he stood up and walked away.

We sat there waiting what he was up to, but he never appeared, so we all continued sipping our tea. Nemu even commented on the flavor.

Urahara's head popped up after a while from the sliding paper wall with a bored look on his face.

"I wouldn't mind you following me! It's not like I was going to _carry_ the _Fanciful Producing Gigai Operator _and bring it up here! If you want to feel cold, come with me!" he said and disappeared again muttering something under his breath.

"We have to follow him?" Kurosaki asked.

"I guess so!" I said and stood up following the direction that weird man took. I saw untidy shelves everywhere filled with boxes of every size. It looked like an old forgotten, little warehouse. There was a door on the floor that was tied with a chain from the ceiling.

I checked it gasping as I saw a winding staircase leading underground into a semi-dark spacious room. I heard Urahara's footsteps echo as he was walking down there.

"What kind of operator was he talking about?" I asked.

"Let's find out!" Kurosaki said sounding excited and he came before me climbing down the stairs.

They were rather steep and our steps echoes as if a herd of horses was passing by.

The place was huge. The ceiling hung low above our heads and artificial light-spots were placed along the covered with mould walls. It looked as if this place had never been swept off this dust. Instead only the parts where Urahara, and I don't know who else dared coming down here, stepped were the only spots without dust.

The shelves here reached the ceiling, where books, more boxes, plushies with faded colours and bottles with- I hoped it was not sake- liquids were lined up in a huge mess.

And, on top of that, it smelled bad. But for some strange reason I wasn't feeling the _reiatsu_ that had flooded the city. Here the spiritual energy felt ordinary and not heavy on my shoulders. My eyes searched for my white-haired captain, who was frowning with a questioning look at this place.

"Oh, Hitsugaya-taicho! This is so cool! The _reiatsu_ is undetectable here!" I told him happily.

He lifted an eyebrow.

"Why is this place so low ceilinged?" Hitsugaya-taicho asked pressing his lips together.

I looked up measuring with my arm the distance from the top of my head and the filled with cracks ceiling. It was barely a head's distance. I touched it with both of my hands and I couldn't stretch them. I smiled at my captain with my discovery.

"Look! It's about twice your size, Captain! So why the complaints?" I said, and right after I met his indistinguishable killer glare did I realize what I had said…

"This is the_ Fanciful Producing Gigai Operator_!" Urahara announced pointing at a large wardrobe with round, double leaves that had a colourful strange pattern. It had a light brown, with golden tints, colour and different sized circles in red and brown colours. Scattered between those circles were thin green shapes like serpents and in the middle, where the door handles were it was painted dark brown.

I looked at it again and again trying to figure out what looked so _fanciful_ about it. It was the first round wardrobe I saw, but still…

"That's the operator you were talking about?" Hitsugaya-taicho asked sounding annoyed.

"Yap! The Gigai producer!"

I scratched my right temple feeling a little stupid.

"I painted it so it looked like a pizza! It's the second best thing I discovered ever since I came in the living world!" Urahara said touching the wardrobe.

"_Pizza?_" I repeated this strange word.

"It's food! But how does it work?" Kurosaki said.

"W-wait! It can be eaten? The wardrobe?" I asked again, feeling more and more stupid seeing how Urahara and Kurosaki stared at me.

"Not the wardrobe! It's painted! I painted it! It looked so dull looking like a simple wardrobe."

I frowned.

"Anyways, you should try it out some day! It goes well with sake!" Urahara said the magic word making my insides tickle.

"Can we get back to work? How does this object work?" Hitsugaya-taicho asked impatiently.

"You go in, I press the button and you come out in a human body." Urahara explained simply.

I noticed Nemu shuffling her hands in front of her.

"That's so lame!" Kurosaki commented.

"What did you expect? A wardrobe filled with pizza in which a magical potion has been inserted and once you eat it the sausages turn into flesh?" Urahara mocked the orange-haired young man.

Kurosaki smirked in response.

"So! Are you going to do this?" the blonde man asked, now he sounded impatient.

"How do we know it actually works?" captain asked.

"Oh it works! I've tried it on Uzuru a couple of times!"

"Yeah! And you turned her into a fly!" Jinta came out of nowhere showing fists.

I gasped in wonder.

"What?"

"Yeah, well…" Urahara began "it depends on the person's spiritual energy. The greater power someone possesses, the more normal the body it will produce!" he said simply as if nothing strange had happened.

"And where is she now?" I asked shocked.

"In her room zooming around, crying!" Jinta laughed.

"We could go back to Soul Society and create our Gigai." Nemu spoke.

Hitsugaya-taicho pressed his lips.

"Talking about Gigai, how come you didn't bring yours with you?" Urahara asked serious.

"We weren't expecting to stay long here. But things have changed, and we must act quickly from now on." Hitsugaya-taicho said and approached the colourful wardrobe.

"So, I go in…"

"And I press the button and puff! you come out in a human body!" Urahara continued opening the doors.

Hitsugaya-taicho sighed shaking his head.

"That's crazy!" he muttered and closed himself in the wardrobe.

For that long moment, which could have been only seconds, I found myself holding my breath, my fingers searching for the golden chain on my collarbone.

Urahara had pressed a single button on the back of the wardrobe and just stood there waiting for it to open up, as if he was waiting for his cookies to get baked in the oven.

Kurosaki, as if he wanted me to feel more anxious, started beating his foot on the wooden floor rhythmically, while Nemu… she just stood there, her eyes on the wardrobe.

Suddenly, with a clicking sound the double doors opened and Hitsugaya-taicho's head popped out. I started screaming hysterically sure that something had gone wrong. My captain had only a head and no body and I continued screaming pulling my hair.

"MATSUMOTOOO!" Hitsugaya-taicho growled angry glaring at me as I froze in my steps. There was also an arm. A head and an arm…

Maybe this operator was taking its time to create a human body…

"Get a grip!" he shot harshly at me and then looked next to him at Urahara. They all looked so calm.

"You could have put some kind of light in here! I cannot see a thing!" Hitsugaya-taicho said with a frown. Why did he need a light…

"Ah! Wait…" Urahara searched his pockets and took out something small handing it to Hitsugaya-taicho. I could also see his shoulder. That operator was really slow…

"What's that?"

Urahara fixed the striped hat on his head.

"A lighter!"

"How the hell is this supposed to light?" Hitsugaya-taicho sounded more and more furious.

"Oh man! Kurosaki, go help him!"

Kurosaki flinched as he heard Urahara's request, while I was still staring at my captain fearing he'd never get an entire body.

"Like hell I'm going in there with him… nak-!"

"Go, Kurosaki! It's not like you'll see something new!" Urahara shot at him and Kurosaki froze his jaws hanging emotionless.

Jinta burst into laughter.

"Hahaha! Kurosaki is helping the shortie get dressed! Hahaha!" the boy laughed bouncing up and down, and that's when it hit me. I knew Urahara was staring at me in a very, very weird way thinking that I had to be the stupidest lieutenant in all Soul Society, but it didn't matter. Because I felt stupid enough myself.

I sighed brushing my hand over my face, pulling my eye bags downwards.

It seemed as if this operator was not capable of producing clothes…

"That was… scary!" I muttered to myself.

After some loud bangs, swearing and many hysterical giggling from Jinta's part, Kurosaki and Hitsugaya-taicho came out from the wardrobe.

Kurosaki's hair looked untidier than before, but the one who caught my attention was my little captain. He was wearing tight jeans, pretty much like the ones Kurosaki was wearing, a black sweater with some logo on the chest which I couldn't understand and from beneath a blue shirt was emerging. He grabbed the ends of that shirt and hid it in his jeans. It was clear that he looked a lot more relaxed. The lines of tension and concern on his face had disappeared and even his eyes had their normal, bright turquoise colour again.

I couldn't help but smile seeing him in such strange clothes looking again like his old, good self.

"I'm done! Next!" he said and glanced at me.

I felt my cheeks and neck burn and I approached Nemu pushing her towards the wardrobe hoping no one had noticed my blush.

"Come on, now!"

Nemu entered the wardrobe hesitantly and when she was done, she was about to step out naked but luckily Urahara shut the door on her face scolding her that she had to put on some clothes that were hanging in the wardrobe.

I glanced, for the millionth time, at Hitsugaya-taicho wondering how come there were clothes in his size since he was bigger than Jinta, but way smaller than Kurosaki and Urahara.

When Nemu came out, she had picked up a short, red skirt, a bright green, long sleeved shirt and a yellow scarf.

I lifted my eyebrows wondering if this woman had any idea what cold meant.

And then it was my turn. I felt my palms sweating as I closed myself in the pitch black, dark wardrobe hearing whispers and mutterings from outside. I stood there with slumped shoulders trying to orientate myself in the place, but all I could feel were the double leaves. There was no back of the wardrobe. I made a step backwards seeing nothing and tried once more to feel the end of the wardrobe… but still I didn't feel a thing.

I could feel my heart beating fast and wondered whether Urahara had already pressed the button. And, where on earth were all those clothes…

And then I knew the button had been pushed; suddenly all around me started spinning fast and my stomach turned upside down. This feeling was so intense I felt like throwing up, so I fell down on my knees hurting with the impact. And as suddenly the spinning had begun, the same suddenly it stopped and I felt like a bucket of water had been thrown over my head. I tried to catch my breath, my hands feeling my hair but it wasn't wet…

What kind of operator was this anyway…

I started swearing under my breath clenching my fists on my thighs looking forward to the moment these unwelcome feelings would end.

There were mutterings again and I swore I heard someone saying my name…

And, for the perfect finale, I felt like being suppressed from every direction from something warm, heavy, sticky, disgusting and then, all I remember, darkness and a big headache.

My eyes shot open and I saw a crack about my height from which rays of light tried to fit through. I touched it wondering where I was…

I pushed towards the light but there was some kind of obstacle constraining me from opening up.

"First you pick some clothes and then I'll let you out!" someone called from the other side, from where this light came from.

I sighed deeply and felt my thighs and then my hands trailed up on my stomach, on my chest, on my collarbone. I searched for my golden chain, a present from my first friend in Soul Society and now captain of the 3rd Division Ichimaru Gin, but it was not there.

"Clothes…" I mumbled and I stood up, naked as I was, searching blindly, when my hands touched some fabric on my right. I extended my arm and grabbed whatever was in my reach. Something woolen, something of polyester, and something that felt very plastic to be any kind of clothing.

Whatever I grabbed I brought it towards the little light that came through the crack, and when I was satisfied with whatever I put on I pushed at the leaves and my eyes were blinded by the sudden light that hit me.

"Dear…!" I muttered rubbing my eyes.

"Now, now! That went pretty well!" I heard Unahara next to me comment and I glanced at him, seeing fireflies float in front of me.

"What did?" I wondered as I remembered what had happened to me in the wardrobe with the strange painting.

"You all came out the way you should! No flies, no mosquitoes, no strange hair colour, everything is normal!"

I touched my arms feeling the tight pullover hugging beautifully my body. It felt slightly tickling, but kept my body temperature inside. It was black, v-shaped and I had picked jeans, like Kurosaki and Hitsugaya-kun were wearing guessing this fabric would protect my legs better from the cold. And then I got the goosebumps feeling excited to finally get out in the snow, and feel what I was craving to feel for so long…

"That's the greatest invention I've seen!" I said unable to get enough of myself. It's not like it was my first time in a Gigai, but it had been long since the last time…

I looked at my captain and smiled widely.

"That feels wonderful! Look!" I offered him my arm pointing him to feel the fabric of the pullover I had picked up.

He frowned and hesitantly touched the sleeve.

"Could this be cashmere?" I asked him unable to restrain my smile.

He looked at me and gave me a smirk of indifference, but I noticed the way his eyes flickered back at me and I chuckled.

"Whatever it is, it feels great!" I commented.

When I was done commenting on my pullover, we headed back up and I loved the sudden shiver I felt as a cold breeze blew from a window a huge man with glasses had just opened.

He was wearing a working uniform and a striped, red and yellow jacket on top. His face was rather square and he had a thin beard around his thin lips.

"Urahara-san! The snow storm is getting heavier!" he said with his hoarse voice.

"The _reiatsu_ is also growing through the night. It must be connected." Kurosaki said.

"I guess it is…" Urahara added and he led us all back in the small room with the tea and the fire.

We sat back down, now all in our human bodies.

"So, Soul Society sent you to find out about this thing?" Urahara asked.

Hitsugaya-taicho nodded crossing his legs.

"Hn! We were told that those responsible for this were Hollows who manipulate their victims and possess a great deal of spiritual energy." His eyes lingered at the fire which reflected on his bright now turquoise irises. "What I'm speculating is that someone stronger is behind this. A being that has a great influence on the Hollows and plans on bringing chaos! In the Human world, but in Soul Society as well!"

Urahara sipped his tea, but spit it back in the cup.

"Don't tell me you suspect that a Shinigami is behind this?" he asked looking at Hitsugaya-taicho. There was a red glance in his shadowed by his hat eyes.

Hitsugaya-taicho sighed leaning his elbows on his knees.

"I don't want to suspect. I want to _know_!" he said with a hint of impatience in his voice.

"This _reiatsu_ could belong to a Shinigami…" Nemu spoke, drawing everyone's attention since she rarely spoke. She was sitting cross-legged, her hands resting on her knees while her back was straight. The bright colours of the clothes she had picked looked strange on her. "The energy emitted is too strong to belong to a Hollow and the colour of it doesn't match the one of the Hollows." She said.

I frowned.

"You know what colour this being is radiating?" I asked. Every soul that emitted spiritual energy also emitted light, which were actually the spiritual atoms the energy consisted of. The colour could differ from Soul to Soul. The Hollows' was never seen to be anything other but black. But the illogical thing in Nemu's statement was the fact that to see the colour of someone's _reiatsu_ you had to actually see the being itself.

"I can see that from the atoms' shape and speed they're travelling." Nemu replied.

I had never heard of this ability before, but it would make sense that Soul Society's greatest scientist would have enriched his lieutenant's abilities with something like this.

"You can _see_?" Urahara wondered out loud.

"Just like ordinary eyes see the colours of their surroundings in presence of a light source or just like the sound waves reach out ears. The same way I can analyze someone's spiritual energy." She explained with her monotonic voice.

"So, what's this guy's colour?" Kurosaki asked.

"That's what worries my master; this _reiatsu_ has no colour."

There was an uncomfortable silence. Only the flames flickering cracked the pieces of wood, and the distant sound of snow falling.

"What does this mean?" I asked impatiently, never having heard of a _reiatsu_ without colour.

"That it doesn't belong to a Hollow. That's the only thing my master's sure of."

"Then we should take a closer look. The _reiatsu_ seems to be coming from the centre of Karakura. Let's head this way with our blades and check things out!" Kurosaki said.

"Kurosaki, this is not your mission." Hitsugaya-taicho said rubbing the base of his neck.

"What?"

"We appreciate your help and concern, but we were assigned to come here and find out what's going on. You're not obliged to-"

"Look, shortie!" Kurosaki raised the tone of his voice, while Hitsugaya-taicho flinched with the nickname he was given. "Whatever crap this is, it's happening in _my_ town and is ruining _my_ summer, so like hell I'm going to just sit in the back and clap my hands when you guys finish! I'm coming and I'm helping you, and don't try to poison me, or paralyze me or whatever-ize me, got it?"

Kurosaki-kun had a point here, and Hitsugaya-taicho couldn't go against the true words of his. As a response he grunted.

"You can return back here anytime! I'll offer you my home for as long you're staying!" Urahara said as if we had come here on holidays.

He made new tea for us as we waited for the night to cover Karakura and the snow storm grew stronger and stronger…

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**Hopefully you enjoyed this as much as i did!**

**As said, there are going to be some alterations in the story we all know from Bleach; like Aizen never leaving Soul Society, and i even made many things up, like Matsumoto's past (chapter 2, and more to come...). the only captain i don't like at all is Tousen, for an unknown reason actually, so for any of you who actually do like him, he won't be appearing in this story! but this is a Toushirou-Matsumoto based story, so who needs Tousen, right T_T ... i'm just kidding!**

**Thanx for sticking up with me! Until next time... :)**


	9. The Voice of my Destiny

**XD thank you so much for all the hits, and your reviews! You brought a big smile on my face! **

**This chapter travels back into Matsumoto's past - new characters appear, so don't wonder about the weird names! Enjoy!

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**Chapter 9 – The Voice of my destiny**

Even though in the living world, for those short years I had lived, I was forbidden to hold a blade in my hands, the afterlife was holding a different destiny for me…

In this strange world, which was so similar yet so different from my home in the Human world, my father's words had a different meaning; here, because of the spiritual energy I possessed, I _had_ to hold a blade in order to survive. That's what I had been told at least, but as the years passed by, I never found my Zanpakuto, the blade that carried a part of my soul.

Living in Rukongai, sharing a hut with my only friend Ichimaru Gin, I envied those high-ranked Souls who'd patrol the neighbourhoods of the _common_ _souls,_ as I heard they used to call us, with beautiful katanas in different shapes hanging from their simple, yet distinguishable Shinigami uniforms.

But, just like for most _common souls_, Shinigami were like the lords back in the living world. Unreachable, cold, so superior you didn't dare look them in the eye.

Only very few had the courage to look up at them as they strolled through the districts of Rukongai; one of them was Gin. He was a Soul with tremendous spiritual power, though he had already found the way of controlling it. That made him feel somehow special, so he'd talk to those men, greet them, even walk beside them.

And they didn't mind…

I would only hide in our hut, and peek at him and his strange manners towards those important Souls of Seireitei.

And one unexpected day, a Shinigami, who was none other than Aizen-taicho came in our hut with a friendly smile and dark brown, sympathetic eyes behind thick glasses.

I had felt like being given a very expensive present which I wasn't worth. A Shinigami Captain of the Gotei 13, talking to us, smiling at us, even touching us… our neighbours were all gathered outside, some gapping with surprise, others smiling proudly, since all of them had known from the beginning that we belonged to the _special_ kinds of souls.

Under everyone's stare, Aizen-taicho took us into Seireitei; the centre of Soul Society and residence of the _pure _souls…

It had been happy times attending the Shinigami Academy along with my best friend and the first one I learnt to love in this world.

Here I forgot about the never-ending hunger, the different scents and absence of feeling cold and hot, the strange influence time had on everyone… here, alongside other people who had died and were sent here, I learnt to see the beautiful things… here I had realized that I was given a second chance, something that maybe had never been a choice for my father's soul, or my mother's soul…

And here, in the Shinigami Academy, I managed to let the past behind, promising to let it affect me only on _that_ day. But then I was too young and naïve to know that one day the feelings would turn so intense that they would break my heart. And that one day I would find the peace, after going through this for more than hundred years, in my future-captain's face…

But, as said, I would have never become who I am now if the one most important event in my afterlife would take place; me discovering the existence and the name of my forever companion. My Zanpakuto…

Gin, not that much a surprise to me, ended up being the child prodigy of my Shinigami generation, graduating in only a year from the Academy. And, not even this was a surprise to me; Aizen-taicho offered him an important rank in the 5th Division.

But, what kept me from being proud for him finally fulfilling his dream of becoming one of those Shinigami we used to look up to when we were still lost children in Rukongai, was the fact that he started forgetting about me.

I was nothing special like him, or like Hitsugaya-taicho would be in the future. I had an average spiritual energy, which kept me stuck in the Academy for the next five years. But I had made new friends in the meanwhile, even if I kept crying often in the night when I was thinking of Gin…

It had felt just like the times my father would train Hikaru and Osamu, while I was left sitting in the corner watching them, since he didn't want his only daughter to become hard and violent as if she were a boy…

I was nothing special, and people kept treating me like this. Even in Soul Society.

But all changed two years after my entrance in the Shinigami Academy. Just in time before I would be sent back in Rukongai with the _common_ souls …

I was attending a morning _Hakuda _class in a normal, sunny day with a weak wind blowing from the south.

More than fifty pairs of eyes were watching me as I was fighting with bare hands against Iba Tetsuzaemon, a man taller than me with a narrow, angular face and, back then, shoulder-length, black hair. We were both dressed in our academic uniforms with white, loose shirts and hakama, blue for men and red for women, but Iba had also added his personal accessory; pointy, sunglasses, which he even wears until now.

Our sensei, Kai Rokuro, a thin man with bald head, high cheekbones and a bright, yellow band around his forehead was observing our techniques, silent with his muscular arms crossed on his chest.

I remember feeling the tension growing inside of me feeling all those eyes on me. During that time I started growing physically, and it had a great impact on my psychology. As a result I had a hard time fitting in in every new class, or catch up with everyone's progress.

The nights had become even more lonesome, as Gin had stopped visiting me, and on top of that I was getting anxious about when my Zanpakuto would reveal itself to me.

Everyone else had theirs already...

I feared this would be my destiny; rotting in a hut somewhere in those forgotten districts of Rukongai…

During that _Hakuda _class against Iba, I felt the anger growing inside of me. I was shouting with every kick and every punch. It was obvious Iba was rather confused with this unstoppable madness that had taken over me, as a result he had only the time to avoid my attacks than actually trying to hit me back.

I had noticed with the corners of my eyes my sensei's eyes fixed on me, but I didn't mind. I would win and I would get over this fury, this unfair turn of things…

I wanted to become a Shinigami, just like Gin…

And that specific moment, when my fist landed flat on Iba's face smashing his precious sunglasses in a million pieces did I realize that I had been chasing Gin's dream… not mine…

I remember dead silence, and then clapping which resulted mostly from women who didn't like that perverted Iba Tetsuzaemon.

I couldn't cheer with them, because unlike them, I would never become a Shinigami. I would never have my own katana, my own Zanpakuto, because my spiritual energy was only average…

But it seemed my sensei had a different opinion than me…

Kai-sensei called my name at the end of the class. As everyone was leaving, I nodded in respect awaiting the words that would be the end of my time in Seireitei.

"Rangiku-san!" he began us my thoughts were running wild. "You must know by now that you are a rather extra-ordinary person." He said simply.

I frowned not understanding where he was taking it. Did they always compliment the students they were about to expel…

"You possess a great amount of spiritual energy and you've known how to control your _reiatsu_ from the very first day you came here. According to Aizen-taicho, actually,…" he paused and smiled slightly "you have had this ability ever since he found you in Rukongai."

My frown grew deeper, still sure that I wasn't worth a life in Seireitei.

"Kai-sensei… I-I don't quite understand…" I spoke in an undertone.

Kai-sensei rubbed his chin as he looked away for a brief moment before looking back at me with this smile that made me feel uneasy.

"Kobayashi-san and I have discussed this; we would like you to attend some special training in order for you to discover your Zanpakuto!"

Kobayashi Sadao was our Zanjutsu master at the time. He was a great swordsman and 3rd Seat of the 7th Division. Since his class demanded from students to have their own Zanpakuto by the end of the second year, I had been banned from his class. Hearing then from Kai-sensei that even he agreed me having special training was a terrifying surprise.

But I had never heard of special training before. And I would lie if I'd say I wasn't scared with the idea…

When I had asked what kind of special training he meant, Kai-sensei simply smiled at me, his high cheekbones almost touching his lower eyelashes.

And so I spent the rest of the day pretending I was fine while in the dining hall with my colleagues or later in the dorms. But as the night covered Soul Society, listening only to the wind growing stronger outside and my female colleagues' moans and snores, I was staring up at the ceiling remembering the way Osamu and Hikaru had been fighting using heavy, wooden sticks. I heard the distinguishing sound of wood banging, the grunts of my brothers, my father's scoldings.

Maybe I wasn't meant to hold a real katana in my hand after all… the only time would be the one I tried to save my father…

Maybe indeed I had no good reason to hold one in my hand. Perhaps the reasons I had were not the right ones and that's why my Zanpakuto wouldn't reveal itself to me…

I had to find the true reason...

And as I stayed up half of the night thinking over all the possible reasons, exhaustion took over me driving me through dark corridors, huts that were caught in flames, and there was Gin who was still a child holding Aizen-taicho's hand. And there was Osamu with a beautiful katana stained with blood in his grip while his bright blue eyes were staring at me as if he was disappointed and angry at the same time.

The nightmare seemed to have no end. I had been sweating, grunting, shivering on my futon.

And between the flames, and behind all those people's shadows I kept seeing one silhouette hiding, moving as fast as a cat, disappearing and appearing in every direction I was looking. I was panting as I tried to keep track, but the fires grew bigger lighting up every shadow, swallowing all the people I kept seeing; Gin, Osamu, my father, Aizen-taicho, that one mysterious silhouette…

That dream kept visiting me every night until a week later, when Kai-sensei approached me informing me about the timetable of my special training.

And each time this dream would end with that silhouette, which I couldn't tell if it was a male's or a female's but that it looked humane shaped, whispering to me words I couldn't understand…

This silhouette would only decide to make itself known almost two months later, after intense training under Kai-sensei and Kobayashi-sensei's supervision. Through long days without sleep, going through Zanjutsu training holding a wooden stick, like the ones my father gave us, against Kobayashi-sensei's Zanpakuto, or meditating day and night straight deep in the white forest that extended all over the east side of the mountain in the centre of Seireitei in order to reach the core within me where I would find my Zanpakuto's soul.

Throughout my six years in Shinigami Academy, these two months, plus another one in order to catch up with everyone else, had been the most difficult, stressful ones. But they were worth it… because from that day on, I knew I wouldn't feel alone anymore…

I had found Haineko…


	10. Enemy with Many Faces

**Chapter 10 – Enemy with many faces**

The ecstasy that took over my soul was beyond imagination. The immediate numbness that took over my fingers as I touched the snow, the pierces through my nose with every inhale, the little icicles forming slowly on my eyelashes… I just couldn't get enough. And I had to enjoy myself for as long as it lasted.

We were ready to head for Karakura's centre where the _reiatsu_ was stronger, dressed in thick jackets and gloves.

Kurosaki-kun, Hitsugaya-taicho and Nemu were watching me as I was enjoying the feeling of snow turning into water in my bare palms.

But we had to go. Even in our Gigai we could still feel the intensity of this spiritual power all over the town. It felt uncomfortable, but still it was hard for me to act as if I didn't love being a human again.

After Urahara wished us good luck, we ran through the town.

The centre was far to reach on foot, so Kurosaki suggested we drove.

He led us only three blocks away from the Urahara shop, in an alley deep in snow with a big rubbish container.

Kurosaki halted only two steps away from the fence that led into a small, two-storey house.

The sun was setting, but the light had already vanished behind the thick blanket of clouds. Snow was still falling though the wind had subsided, creating a rather melancholic atmosphere.

I approached the wooden fence and the scent of a very familiar _reiatsu_ filled my senses. It was strong, yet discreet, and that could belong to only one person…

"Oi! Chado!" Kurosaki shouted cupping his mouth.

Only two seconds later a window from the upper floor slid open and Yasutora Sado, or best known as Chad, appeared. He was at the same age as Kurosaki-kun though greater is size. He had a dark complex and dark brown, wavy hair with strands hiding most of the times his eyes. He wasn't really talkative, quite the opposite of his orange-haired best friend, but he possessed great power.

And so, after a lot of persuasion from Kurosaki-kun's part, Chad drove us with a dark blue car which made rather strange noises into Karakura's centre. But it seemed we weren't meant to go far…

We heard a high-pitched screech, which reached such high frequency the windows of the car broke into hundreds of pieces. Chad stopped the car at once in the middle of the empty street and we all rushed outside trying to locate the source of this sound.

The _reiatsu_ felt one of a Hollow, but after hearing Nemu's information, none of us could be sure unless we witnessed it with our own eyes.

"I think we should leave our Gigai here." I said feeling a chill down my spine.

Darkness had covered the town by now and the street lights created strange shadows around the buildings. We had reached a part of the town where houses consisted of multiple stories and most were made of metal reflecting the town lights. But what made this scenery scary was the absence of humans, and I felt my breath increase its rhythm.

"Yeah, we should. Let's leave them in the car." Kurosaki-kun agreed and he took out of his pocket a red, fingerless glove with a small skull on the back and putting it on slammed it on his chest.

His body turned unconscious as his soul, dressed in the usual, black, Shinigami uniform emerged from the body. Kurosaki's face grew tenser and with a red strap, his Zanpakuto hung from his back, a wide blade as big as him.

"Wow! That _reiatsu_ is indeed strong!" he commented looking towards his left where the buildings seemed to be taller.

I noticed the boy's frown getting deeper and I wondered whether he felt the same uneasiness with this spirit as my captain was.

"Right!" I said and took out of my jacket's pocket the emblem of my Division with the number ten and a black daffodil stamped on it, with which I forced my soul out of the Gigai I had grown fond of in these few moments.

It felt like being kicked through cold water, as the sudden wave of this _reiatsu_ flooded my expanded Shinigami senses.

I felt a little sorry for having to get rid of my Gigai so soon. I looked down at my human body and dragged her inside the car as Kurosaki did. Chad offered to help me lift my body up, but I smiled at him politely lifting it without much effort.

I noticed Nemu and Hitsugaya-taicho forcing their souls out of their Gigai, and I saw the way pain reflected for a brief second on my captain's face the moment his soul abandoned the Gigai. But he managed to pull this face off and calmly carried his body in the car.

"Chado! Hide the car somewhere safe and do not let that Ishida-idiot come any close or else I'll kick his ass!" Kurosaki said harshly at Chad.

He looked at us looking worried.

"He'll feel our _reiatsu_ and come along to play the hero!" he explained with a chuckle, though it was obvious he was more worried about his Quincy friend, than actually angry.

"Let's go!" Hitsugaya-taicho said and with a jump disappeared into thin air with flash steps. Before following I noticed Kurosaki turning towards Chad and whispered to him something I didn't hear.

I sighed and followed my captain and Nemu high over the tall buildings.

We were running with such speed we didn't need to step on solid ground that often, so we ran from roof to roof as in front of us, just above Karakura's centre, a thick mist swirled like a slow-speed tornado.

The snow was still falling making everything look dimmer in the night, and the lights of the town had an ill-like, yellow colour.

Hitsugaya-taicho was running in front of me and I grunted as I increased my speed to catch up with him.

He was grinding his teeth as his eyes wandered towards the mist.

I was about to ask him how he was holding up, but then everything around me got extremely foggy and my head felt heavy that I had to halt at the edge of a very high rooftop.

I felt so dizzy I put pressure on my temples with my fists, as if the air got denser. A lot denser…

It hurt so much and, as if this was not enough, there was this screech again, and I screamed in pain.

"Matsumoto!" I heard my captain's cry, but I was unable to listen or realize what was going on outside me, as the hell itself untwined inside my head…

"_Now… that's some very tasty soul I have here…"_ I heard from a great distance an echoing voice. For a moment it sounded familiar, but then there was this screech again and I forgot everything this voice had said.

"_Come… come closer…!_" I heard it again, and then I heard the whistling of the wind in my ears.

My eyes shot open wide and I panted seeing lights reflecting on metallic surfaces below me and white little pieces drifting in front of me.

I had to take many deep breaths to recognize the building's rooftop I had collapsed on and I felt a touch between the blades of my back.

"Matsumoto!" Hitsugaya-taicho said with a deep concern in his voice.

I frowned rubbing my temples.

It was this _reiatsu_…

"It… it was a Hollow!" I said in an undertone feeling it extremely tiring to speak.

Hitsugaya-taicho helped me up and I leaned on my knees to get over this dizziness.

"What?" my white-haired captain wondered.

"I heard it…" I said simply and turned to look at the mist.

I had never been afraid of a Hollow before, even back in the Academy years when we were sent on missions in the Human world and I had encountered my first Hollow I hadn't felt fear… only disgust that a human's soul could turn into something that evil that ended up feeding on other souls, and pity…

Pity for the ones who once cared about that soul that had turned into _this_…

But this time it felt different. I didn't know this Hollow that had spoken to me, and I had no clue of its story, but the fact that it had such a great impact on Hitsugaya-taicho, Kurosaki-kun and now me, made me feel… threatened…

"Let's go!" I said and rushed ahead, determined to find out what that being was that wanted to create such a chaos.

The rest followed me and soon we found ourselves only steps ahead from that thick mist that swirled above the town. It looked like a moving, gas wall turning around an axis, and the _reiatsu_ felt so strong I could hear whispers. At first I thought it was this wind or this mist, but I focused on that voice recognizing Haineko's despair.

It was like in those first dreams of mine, where I saw Haineko being nothing but a shadow in the background. She had been whispering to me with no power to raise her voice, since I myself was not ready to find her yet.

And now, her voice was weak, faint behind all other sounds of this snow-covered town.

I didn't realize that tears were forming in my eyes, angry with myself that I couldn't hear her…

Suddenly I snapped out of it, drying quickly my tears feeling Hitsugaya-taicho's hand around my wrist. And at that moment I wished I was in my Gigai to feel the warmth of his hand soothe mine, and Haineko's, pain…

I looked at him and managed a faint smile.

"Try not to think of her…" he said to me, a glance of bright blue crossing his dark turquoise eyes. "We have to stay focused to pull this through."

His voice sounded so calm it eased Haineko's pain and my growing despair, and for a moment his grip tightened around my wrist before letting it go. My hand searched instinctively for my Zanpakuto's handle and all the courage I needed was here; in Hitsugaya-taicho and Haineko…

"This is it!" Kurosaki-kun said lifting his arm to grab his Zanpakuto from his back. The blade was unleashed as the white, thin cloth it was wrapped in floated in the air before it was drifted away from this swirling, white mist.

Kurosaki jumped high in the air and slashed it with his blade.

"_Getsuga tenshou!_" he growled and his Zanpakuto was instantly surrounded by a bright blue light which sounded like lightning soaring through the skies. The moment Kurosaki swung the blade a crescent shaped light whooshed through the air and exploded as it reached the gas surface of the swirling mist.

The explosion caused the white mist to turn into water and thick droplets fell on us. A cloud of vapor covered everything and for a moment I sensed a flicker in the energy of the _reiatsu_.

I drew my Zanpakuto out of the sheath and held the blade from the red handle in front of me feeling everything inside me burn as I was waiting on the top of this metallic building for the enemy's reaction.

Kurosaki's attack had been strong, but not strong enough to cause any severe alternation in the emitted _reiatsu_.

Suddenly it felt like the earth was moving beneath our feet and a white, skeletal mask appeared from the vapory cloud.

It was huge, hiding most of our view from the surroundings with two rows of red stripes covering the cheekbones horizontally. The teeth were sharp and in the empty eye sockets burnt two flames.

The mask had a black body, which seemed to be the same material as the white mist, having two pairs of arms and two pairs of legs. The Hollow's limbs were also protected with smaller, skeletal masks with identical red stripes.

The _reiatsu_ was tremendous and I heard those whispers filled with pain and sorrow, but I clenched my grip around my Zanpakuto whispering to Haineko that everything would be alright…

"_Hmm!_" the Hollow's high-pitched voice echoed from every direction, causing more windows to shatter from far away. "_Four Shinigami! Now we're talking about a feast!_"

I frowned and the earth moved again.

Next to the Hollow another one appeared from the mist. This one had a spider-like form wearing a white, skeletal mask with two thorns that twisted in the front of its skull. Its teeth were also sharp and a long, red cap waved around its round body with the eight thin legs.

I tried to focus on the two gigantic Hollows that floated above the city than the whispers that grew into cries in my head. I checked Hitsugaya-taicho beside me, seeing that he had a hard time with his voices in his head as well.

"What are you doing here, Hollows?" Kurosaki growled with all his might.

The two Hollows smirked.

"_Having some fun!_" they both answered in unison. I felt my ears being pushed towards my skull and I grunted in pain.

Kurosaki clenched his fists around his Zanpakuto.

"You're not alone, are you?" Hitsugaya-taicho asked, sounding calmer than he looked. I noticed he hadn't yet pulled his Zanpakuto from its sheath.

The first Hollow with the two pairs of arms made a sound like chuckling.

"_Of course not!_" it replied and a wave of air hit us before the Hollow attacked.

Hitsugaya-taicho drew his Zanpakuto and his body was surrounded in an instant with bright, blue light while a long chain came out of his blade's handle.

Hyourinmaru flooded the area with its bright, blue light crushing right on the Hollow's mask. The Hollow screeched reaching such a frequency that Hitsugaya-taicho flinched losing for a moment his concentration. The Hollow attempted to hit him with its fist, but Hitsugaya-taicho got away on time with flash steps.

I was watching holding my breath noticing the other Hollow moving as well.

Kurosaki-kun appeared in front of Nemu and me throwing another _Getsuga tenshou_ at it.

The Hollow outmaneuvered it growling as it rushed towards the roof we were standing.

I jumped backwards to avoid a punch of the Hollow which caused the building beneath us crack and finally turn into ruins.

"What the hell…!" I gapped and searched for my captain who was flying higher above us fighting with his unleashed blade the Hollow with the red striped mask.

But more movements drew my attention; the mist was finally fading away revealing more Hollows of a great size and huge, white masks with sharp teeth. The flames in their empty eye sockets was the only light all of a sudden around us, as the lights of the city turned out under the high-pitched screeches of the hundreds of Hollows.

I glanced at Nemu beside me who was also holding her Zanpakuto tight.

They were all coming from below the ground and I missed a heartbeat as the mist cleared away and saw a massive hole in the earth from which the mist was emerging.

"The _reiatsu_ without colour comes from that hole." Nemu told me pointing towards the ground.

"So it's not the Hollows!" I commented seeing the black flames of energy radiating from the huge bodies of the Hollows. But even if the _reiatsu_ that had been affecting Karakura wasn't being emitted from them, the Hollows' energy was very extraordinary itself. And both Kurosaki-kun and Hitsugaya-taicho had a hard time defeating the Hollows.

A Hollow broke the row of my thoughts and I lifted my Zanpakuto noticing the mask filled with thin needles of a snake-like Hollow coming closer.

"_Unare Haineko_!" I whispered and my voice lingered in the air ordering my Zanpakuto to unleash itself. Haineko's painful whispers seized as her soul brought my blade into life. I felt the energy of it going through my palm around its red handle.

The blade was shattered into millions of tiny pieces of ash and they scattered heading like a fog towards the Hollow that was already very close to me.

I could hear Haineko talking to me sounding now alive and strong. I imagined the Hollow's mask turn into dust and Haineko obeyed and pierced the skeletal mask turning it into white powder. The Hollow screeched in pain and its black-red _reiatsu_ grew fainter and the flames in its eye sockets disappeared into the darkness.

But more Hollows came… there was no end…

I kept sending Haineko in her ash form towards every Hollow in my close vicinity, but twice numbers would appear behind it.

Nemu would stay beside me using her Zanpakuto unleashed. She would jump high in the air and flexibly land on the base of the Hollow's neck and stab her blade on the mask which would turn into some dark, liquid. Her Zanpakuto was made of a blend of quicksilver which would turn into liquid under her command and poison its victim from the inside.

I saw another crescent shaped, blue light, Kurosaki's _Getsuga tenshou_, but I couldn't see Kurosaki himself, and my heart was beating faster as I tried to get a glimpse of Hitsugaya-taicho but found none.

Two Hollows emerged from underneath me and I kicked the one hard on the mask, while Haineko was destroying the other one's mask.

"Nemu! Where is Hitsugaya-taicho?" I shouted at Nemu, who I thought I saw holding tight her left forearm as if she was injured.

Her eyes wandered around as she searched for his _reiatsu_ and pointed towards the right of me.

I followed that direction, destroying another four Hollows on my way as I rushed in the air.

I found him soaring through the dark sky growling with his Zanpakuto swinging so fast in front of his face it looked like a maze of light. His other hand was holding the tip of the chain that was hanging from the handle of his blade. At the edge of the chain a crescent-shaped blade glanced with a bright blue light.

The Hollow he was attacking had raised its wide palms on each side of Hitsugaya-taicho and was about to clap them with the captain in the centre. I grunted and rushed towards them. I heard Haineko's excited growl in my head and I held the blade above my head.

"_Unare Haineko_!" I whispered at her the magical words that made her growl and turn into killer ash. The ash formed an arrow and pierced the one palm of the Hollow that was about to crush my captain, while he guided the crescent-shaped blade right on the Hollow's skeletal forehead. In response it screeched in pain fading into the darkness.

"Captain!" I called worried he'd also be injured. He floated towards me panting.

"Matsumoto, are you alright?" he asked.

I nodded and pointed at the hole far below us.

The snow all around it was thick, having drowned beneath it trees and cars. More Hollows kept swimming through it, all the same big size and sharp teeth.

"The_ reiatsu_ that causes all this mess comes from that hole!" I told him as Haineko returned to the handle turning back into a normal blade. It was such a relief hearing her sound so excited and alive that brought me all the power I needed to stand calm against this enemy with many faces.

Hitsugaya-taicho pressed his lips together and then looked at me.

"It seems to be a portal."

"Then it leads towards another dimension." I added.

"Hn!" Hitsugaya-taicho agreed. "Let's go then!"

I nodded and we rushed through the sky, our Zanpakuto in our hands, heading downwards towards the hole. We avoided many Hollows and killed as many on our way, and the hole grew bigger and bigger…

* * *

**For some reason i had been writing instead of Karakura town, Kurakara and it sounded slightly weird so i had to check it out from the beginning lol... so maybe there is still some _Kurakara_ XD in some of the previous chapters i forgot! It's Karakura, Karakura, Karakura... not Kurakara! o_O But, it's Urahara...!**

**Thanx very very much for telling me your opinions! I respect every single one of them! I like writing fighting scenes, and there is more to come...! Until next time...**


	11. Unforgotten Souls

**Chapter 11 – Unforgotten Souls**

"Matsumoto!"

I moaned feeling my body so heavy.

My fingers were numb and my breathing felt short, as if the air was thinner. I tried to open my eyes hearing this familiar voice calling me.

"Matsumoto! Wake up, sleeping beauty!" I rubbed my eyes unable to see. There was light around me… why, it was supposed to be night…

"I'm not going to compliment you more, Matsumoto! It was the first and last time!" the voice said again.

I moved my fingers touching something wet and cold, something that felt crunchy yet soft.

"Wake up, you old hag!" the voice growled at me and I shot up seeing a very familiar face in front of me, one I hadn't seen in its true form for quite a while…

"Haineko! Wh-what's happening?" I wondered looking around to find a vast plain covered with snow as far as the eye could reach. To my left a long mountain chain extended, with white peaks while the sky was clear and blue. But my surprise was more due to the fact that I felt my butt wet on the snow and my hands cold, instead of the strange place I had landed…

I had fallen through that hole…

My eyes immediately searched for Hitsugaya-taicho, but Haineko looked at me with a boring face pointing behind me.

The white-haired captain had also just been woken up from his Zanpakuto's soul, Hyourinmaru, who, just like Haineko, was in his real form.

Hyourinmaru was a tall man, twice Hitsugaya-taicho's size, with long, green hair and bright, icy blue eyes. An x-mark covered his face and a grey, loose kimono covered his scarred body, revealing only the tip of a long tail. On his chest was a pin the same shape as the metallic star with many edges that Hitsugaya-taicho had pinned on his green sash that held his blade on his back.

He helped Hitsugaya-taicho get up as he moaned.

"Hyourinmaru!"

They looked at each other in silence while I glanced at Haineko. She grinned at me and stood up placing her hands on her wide hips. She had a very curvy shape, with dark complexity wearing a pink furred uniform in two pieces. From her behind a pink tail was swinging with every move she made. Her hair was untidy, short with a dark lilac colour and her eyes glanced under the sun green.

"We've been trying to wake you up for some time!" Haineko said looking down at us.

I stood up straightening my uniform still shocked that I could feel the snow melt in my palms. My exhale even created a small cloud of fog in front of my face.

"We ended up in a very bizarre place!" I commented looking around. "And it's cold!"

Hitsugaya-taicho touched the snow as if to verify my words and stood up.

"Where are we? It's not the Hollow world." He said.

Hyourinmaru shifted next to him hiding his hands in his kimono's sleeves looking calm.

"This is another parallel dimension, like the Human world and Soul Society is. It's known as the _Trash_ world." He said with his deep voice.

"Trash world?" I wondered with a frown.

"Yap! The Trash world! Just like the word describes it!" Haineko added sounding for some reason quite excited.

I glanced at her hoping she would get serious. We were in a very strange world where we could feel things we normally shouldn't since we didn't have a body to contain our souls. And besides that, our blades' souls had taken their real forms… This was no ordinary dimension, and the name… it gave me the chills…

Who would have thought of calling a world _trash_…

"I've never heard of it!" I said crossing my arms feeling the cold take over me.

Hitsugaya-taicho looked at the snow under his feet and grabbed his blade, which was now nothing but a simple blade, and stabbed it hard in the ground.

When he pulled it up I felt a faint wave of _reiatsu_ emerging from that thin hole.

"The dimensions exist parallel with each other. It's not possible to go through worlds without creating a gate which can change your soul's particles so that you can pass through without evaporating. _This_ world though…" he looked up at me as he shoved some snow over the hole he had created with his blade to cover it up again, "is the only one that's not parallel with the other worlds. This dimension goes through all others. It's connected with all the other dimensions; with the Human world, with the Hollow world, even with Soul Society." He paused glancing at the two Zanpakuto souls. "Here is the place where all the dead Souls' leftovers end up."

I felt my lips part hearing this for the first time; a dimension that linked with all others, a world where the dead Souls' leftovers ended up…

No wonder this _reiatsu_ felt so…_ wrong_…

"Leftovers? What do you mean?" I asked hiding now my hands in the white sash around my waist as they started growing numb.

Hitsugaya-taicho turned his eyes towards the ground and then back at me.

"The _reiatsu_ that came out from the snow. What do you think it was?" he asked sounding as though he was testing me.

I took a deep breath and looked down at the snow. I shifted to see my footsteps carved on the soft ground.

This _reiatsu_ had no colour, and it originated from a world that linked with all others. A world the leftovers of all the Hollows and none-Hollows we killed reached. A world called trash for this exact reason. That meant that pieces of _all_ kinds of souls ended up here, whether they were human souls, Hollows, Shinigami, modified souls…

"In a world where an infinite number of pieces of souls end up…" I said out loud. I looked at my captain who was observing me. "That's why this _reiatsu_ has no colour. It must consist of all those pieces of spiritual energy that comes along with these different types of leftovers."

"Hn!" Hitsugaya-taicho nodded crossing his arms. "Exactly. Material doesn't simply disappear, it only changes form and shape, but the energy remains the same. The energy that flows through the dimensions is not infinite, but it recycles through natural and spiritual circles. As a result, when a soul dies its spiritual atoms divide and scatter around. But, unlike a whole soul, the single spiritual atoms can travel from dimension to dimension. The leftovers…" he sighed touching his chin on his collarbone, "they come here."

"But it makes no sense, Captain. How come these leftovers are able to affect the Human world this much?" I asked.

"I have only one explanation for this. And it's nothing but a guess!" he looked at Hyourinmaru who nodded as if he knew what Hitsugaya-taicho was thinking.

"That there are _too many_ leftovers gathered in this place!"

"You mean…" I paused wondering if he meant what I thought he was. "That these leftovers have become something _whole_? An independent being?"

"As said; it's only a guess!"

I glanced at Haineko who was also holding her arms tight in front of her chest.

"How can we fight something like this?"

Haineko smiled mischievously and came closer to me placing an arm over my shoulders.

"By constraining this world. Stopping its connection with the rest dimensions!" she said happily. I could tell she was feeling the cold too as her lips had turned a strange unhealthy colour, but even this did not affect her cheerful mood.

"The Hollows must have gathered here because of this gathering of souls' leftovers. It must be easier to feed by something like this than real, living human souls." Hitsugaya-taicho commented touching his chin as he looked up in the sky. "Haineko is right!" he added after a moment making Haineko shout in my ear with joy. I glared at her annoyed.

"Since there hasn't been any report about another portal that connects the Human world with the Trash world, we could shut this one and then return to Soul Society and investigate the existence of another one there." He said with his serious tone.

"Cool!" Haineko shouted rising her hands in the air her pink tail swinging fast.

Hyourinmaru glanced at her looking bored.

That sounded all logical and easy, but there was one flaw; where was the portal which we had entered…

The four of us exchanged glances of wonder thinking the same thing…

I slapped my forehead trying to search the sky for the portal…

It couldn't be this hard to find, it had been a rather big hole. Not one you'd miss.

I tried to focus on the multiple types of _reiatsu_ radiating from our surroundings trying to find the portal, but it was like trying to sniff out the scent of bitter tea in a market place filled with restaurants and stables and a crowd of people. And like this wasn't enough having to deal with so many different _reiatsu_ in one place, the cold was starting to get unbearable. My lips hurt each time I tried to speak and my cheeks felt like burning, while my breathing was becoming thinner. I pulled the dark pink sash I had around my shoulders and bid it around my naked neck and collarbone, hoping it'd make things easier.

Hitsugaya-taicho suggested we search for the portal and I loved the idea of running. Maybe our limbs would warm up before actually falling off. And so, Hyourinamru and Haineko in the front, and Hitsugaya-taicho and I on the back ran with flash steps through the bare, snow-covered plain heading towards the mountain chain.

Sometimes the _reiatsu_ would feel rather intense and others fainter, but it was always this strange heavy _reiatsu_, not the one we were looking for. As a result we decided following the trail of the fainter scents. But even this didn't help, as we ended up moving in circles and the mountains didn't seem to get closer…

We halted and I leaned on my knees panting creating thick fogs with every exhale.

"That's ridiculous! The scenery hasn't changed a bit!" I complained feeling sure we were back in the same place we had woken up. "The others will start worrying by now…" I said straightening up.

"We can't run forever!" Haineko added. She was panting as well rubbing her cheeks. "My beautiful face will wrinkle with this damn cold!" she gasped and turned her back on us as she hid her face in her palms to keep it warm.

Hitsugaya-taicho looked up at the sky and then glanced at Hyourinmaru.

"We could try and create a portal…" he said, but I heard the doubt in his slightly trembling voice. "Hyourinmaru!"

Hyourinmaru nodded and raised his scarred arms above his head. His long green hair started dancing around his face as he emitted a very powerful _reiatsu_. I could feel a flickering in this world's _reiatsu_ as Hyourinmaru's distracted its peace.

Suddenly, Hyourinmaru's limbs were covered with ice which made cracking sounds and his tail grew bigger. A bright, blue light surrounded the soul and a huge, dragon head emerged and then a body and wings and huge limbs with sharp claws. The dragon was so huge it blocked the light. It was all made of ice and I saw his eyelids crack open revealing deep, crimson red irises.

Hyourinmaru, the Ice Dragon, growled at the skies making the earth tremble beneath our feet. His _reiatsu_ was tremendous as it had reached its _bankai_ level. The ultimate level a Zanpakuto's soul could reach.

Hitsugaya-taicho drew his blade and his body was immediately covered in the same blue light as Hyourinmaru. His eyes turned brighter and he growled as he climbed with flash steps Hyourinmaru's gigantic icy body.

Haineko and I backed up to get out of Hyourinmaru's and Hitsugaya-taicho's attack radial.

My Captain had reached Hyourinmaru's head and standing on top of it he looked even smaller.

I heard a loud growl and Hyourinmaru's echoing one covered everything and then a massive blast of blue light and ice soaring with a great force through the skies.

For a moment there was such a deep silence and then everything around us quaked under this sudden release of energy. The skies slid open creating a black tear on the clear blue sky.

I gasped and felt Haineko coming closer to me from behind grabbing my forearms with fear.

"He's so powerful!" I heard her whisper in my ear and her grip tightened around my forearms. I could feel her warm exhale on my hair. "_They_'re very displeased!" she added and I felt a chill down my spine.

I flinched and turned around to see the snow under my feet moving. Piles were being created before my eyes, as if something alive dwelled under the blanket of snow.

"What's this?" I gasped and jumped backwards to avoid those piles that kept emerging from the ground beneath me feet.

My hand grabbed my blade's handle while Haineko followed me staying close to me. I noticed an agitated look in her usually sparkling, confident eyes.

"Trash souls!" she answered and I fell over as a pile emerged extremely fast from beneath me surprising me.

"Dammit!"

I missed a million heartbeats as I saw these leftovers of souls walk towards me in their true forms…

They had faces. Real human faces, with normal hair, noses, mouths. No skeletal masks, no black _reiatsu_, no blades in their hands. They had normal human bodies, but once they opened their eyelids I saw tiny flames burning.

This couldn't be…

If these were beings created by leftovers of souls, how come they looked so… complete…

But their _reiatsu_ was wrong, and I recognized it as the one that was covering Karakura disrupting the normal flow of things.

I tightened my grip around my blade's handle looking at these strange trash souls emerging one after the other from the snow.

"Why are you doing this?" I hissed, forgetting the cold, forgetting my desires of wanting to live and feel like a human…

I was a Shinigami and my duty was to protect my Zanpakuto, my Captain and, above all, the innocent Human souls… this was the duty of a Shinigami…

"_Shinigami…_" I heard their whispers and I felt Haineko next to me move nervously, but I didn't take those hundred trash souls out of my sight. A vivid flame was burning in my chest, thousand times greater than the flames in these souls' eye sockets.

"_Unare Haineko!_" I whispered and run towards the first trash soul I met, slicing her with my blade.

I glanced over my shoulder to check on Haineko, but she hadn't moved from her spot. She was just standing there, as if frozen, staring into the nothingness.

I stabbed another trash soul and avoided the attack of another. The fact that I couldn't see their_ reiatsu_'s light made things a little more difficult, but I managed to sense it in order to orientate the source of the attack.

But Haineko wouldn't move.

"HAINEKO!" I growled at her.

I froze when her eyes met mine. It felt like the world around me seized to exist.

There was such an emptiness in her green eyes, as if the Haineko I knew had left. As if this was a soulless body, an empty shell.

I shivered running towards her, feeling my heart being stabbed with the despair that took over me.

But I never managed to make it to her, as the invisible _reiatsu_ of a trash soul knocked me off my feet throwing me far away in the snow.

"No!" I muttered grunting, my eyes searching immediately for Haineko.

I saw the trash souls gathering around her, while she was standing there not moving a single finger.

"HAINEKOOO!" I cried with all my might and rushed towards her with flash steps causing the snow beneath my fast moving legs turn into vapor.

"HAINEKO!"

I used my blade and a strong wave of my energy through it to shove those evil trash souls away from Haineko. I grabbed her with my one arm shaking her and calling her name hoping she'd wake up…

Her pupils moved slightly in her green eyes, and she moaned sounding so weak.

"Come one, Haineko! You stupid cat, wake up!" I cried feeling warm tears slide down my cheeks.

She felt so cold in my arms…

"Haineko! Come one, growl, Haineko! _Growl_!"

But she didn't move, she didn't say a thing. She simply laid there like an empty shell…

My tears became warmer and heavier on my face. With the corners of my eyes I noticed the trash souls gathering around us, their fiery eyes locked upon us like vultures.

I had to protect her… like she had protected me so many times…

I closed my eyes for a moment long enough to find calm and let the energy I knew I possessed take us both out of this position so that we could help Hitsugaya-taicho, Kurosaki, Nemu and all the innocent Human souls. I _would _take us out of this position…

I opened my eyes, only a second having passed, and I held my hand in front of me opening my palm leading my energy through it.

"_Shakkaho!_" I growled the incantation and a sphere of red light flew out of my hand landing like a laser beam upon the trash souls. I took advantage of this brief moment to hold Haineko tight in my one arm while I was holding my blade in the other and escaped.

The trash souls followed me and I swung my blade to slice more of them that came too close.

"Damn you, Haineko!" I swore under my breath while running holding her under my left arm. As I did, I tried to locate Hyourinmaru and Hitsugaya-taicho, but they were nowhere to be seen. High up in the blue sky I could only see the black tearing, the portal they had created.

The last minute I noticed a pile of snow emerging under me before tripping over and I jumped high to see another trash soul added in the already huge mass of them.

I couldn't go on like this, running away, trying to keep them away from Haineko. I swung my blade in front of me as it glowed with the energy that flowed through my arm.

"_Soukatsui!_" I growled again and a long slice of compressed spiritual energy left my blade to evaporate many trash souls.

And then, I stopped moving. I halted hearing my heart pounding in my head as I was sure I was living an illusion...

This couldn't be real… I didn't want it to be real…

I felt suddenly Haineko very heavy under my arm and my blade foreign in my grip, as if I didn't belong here, as if this all was wrong…

And something was indeed really wrong here, because only a few steps ahead of me this tall man with the broad shoulders I had looked up to all my life, the man with the look that traveled beyond the world I knew was standing there…

But now his eyes were not the ones I wished to see, they were flames. Small flames burning in his skull.

"Father?" I gasped. I felt a slight move from Haineko, but I couldn't leave him from my sight, fearing he'd disappear. Fearing that if I flickered, I would see another trash soul, and not him…

I wanted to wake up, and realize that these flames as eyes were not normal. That this man was not my father, but a being made of different pieces of dead souls combined together. That this being had nothing at all to do with my father; the one who told me to never hold a katana in my hand unless I had a good reason. The one I idolized and loved like no other. The one I tried to save that night as our home was caught on fire…

I cried and I couldn't breathe properly.

I wanted to fight, but my sorrow was too deep… because it was my fault he had died. My fault that I hadn't been stronger to save him…

And now he returned… he returned to remind me this…

"M-Matsumo-to!" I heard Haineko call for me weakly.

I looked down at her, hanging half unconscious under my arm. Her eyes were the ones I knew. The ones I had dreamt of so often. Those lively green eyes, the colour of a pine tree's needles in the spring, and the faint smile…

Haineko was real…

"That's right!" she whispered reading my thoughts sighing in pain.

I frowned feeling my lips wet from the tears.

"Knowing what you've lost, it makes you appreciate what it meant to you. And knowing what it means to you, the strong feelings you have for it will flow through you." She whispered in my head, her green eyes on mine.

"Material recycles itself…" I repeated Hitsugaya-taicho's words. "Nothing disappears; it only changes…"

A faint smile appeared on Haineko's face.

"Remind me why we're here!" she whispered again in my head sounding so calming in this cold.

"Here…?"

"Yes?"

I closed my eyes and the white, snow-covered scenery around us turned dark. I opened them to find a pine tree forest with tall trunks and dense leaves allowing only few sunrays to come through. The air felt humid, but fresh. The ground below my feet was covered with brown-grey ashes and in front of me I saw Haineko, looking strong, confident filled with the childish excitement that made her so unique.

I knew this place… it was inside of me; the world where Haineko, part of my soul, dwelled. Here was _her_ world…

"Why are you on this mission, Matsumoto?" she asked, her long pink tail swinging around her playfully.

"To stop the trash souls from disrupting the balance." I answered, feeling suddenly unsure about the truth of my words.

As if Haineko had read my mind, she gave me that mischievous smile of hers.

"Matsumoto…" she began twisting a strand of her lilac hair between her long-nailed fingers. "do you remember the time I revealed myself to you?"

I smiled at the memory.

"How can I forget?" I joked, feeling weird for doing so in such times.

Haineko smiled back and crossed her arms.

"Remind me!"

I frowned.

"Remind me why I'm helping you! Remind me, Matsumoto, why I chose you…!"

The glance in her eyes made me miss a heartbeat knowing that the wrong answer meant both of our doom. I kept my eyes fixed on hers as those intense, filled with anger, frustration, pain, fear, times flooded me, travelling me back in the past.

The time I trained with Kai-sensei and Kobayashi-sensei in order to find out my Zanpakuto's real name and make it reveal itself to me…

"_Why do you feel guilty for something that happened in the past?"_

"_Why do you want so desperately return to the past?"_

"_Why don't you appreciate this chance of yours?"_

My senseis' orders, shouts; their frustration became my strength and I kept going and going, hopelessly trying to find Haineko…

Why did I want to become a Shinigami…

What was my reason for owning a blade, a Zanpakuto…

"Remind me why you wanted to become a Shinigami, Matsumoto! Remind me! Tell me what you had told me then! The time I revealed to you my name…"

I looked at Haineko clenching my fists.

The words felt heavy inside of me. They felt so heavy I wanted to delete them forever from my memories, and now Haineko demanded of me to speak them out loud. Again…

"_You think you're so selfish, don't you_?"

I flinched looking down at my feet as the breeze rustled the pine trees and covered my sandals with ashes. The last cry I heard of my mother echoed in my ears and the image of my home being swallowed by flames appeared behind my eyelids.

I couldn't stand it anymore…

I had managed to find a way to survive, and now… everything was falling apart… again…

"Matsumoto! Tell me!" Haineko growled, her tail twisting fast.

"I can't stand…" I began and tears filled my eyes. "I can't stand the idea of-of the pain the ones left behind must feel…" I said between sobs and I rubbed my temples remembering the long days and nights I had spent in one position in the white forest that covered the east side of the mountain of Seireitei. The meditating hours under the sunlight and under the moonlight, the songs of the forest and the silence before dawn, the pain in my limbs, the hunger, the thirst…

All this that tried to break my peace as I tried to find the reason…

And I found it… the same way Haineko reminded it to me now…

The ones left behind; Osamu, Hikaru, my grandmother… these people who hadn't been there that doomed night… the people who were left behind…

I had always been too caught up with my father's murder, my mother crying out my name as the roof collapsed on her and the fires ate her alive, those men that had brought the end of all I knew that I didn't think of my brothers' and my grandmother's pain and sorrow once they must have found out about my father's and mother's murder… my death…

I felt Haineko next to me grabbing my shoulders to keep me from collapsing. I looked in her eyes and I saw my pain, my grief in her green ones.

"Those trash souls…" I began remembering the one in my father's body, "are the pieces that still live in us…"

Haineko nodded tightening her grip around my shoulders and she stopped a shiver from taking over my body.

"These… _leftovers_…" I spoke the word feeling disgust for describing the parts of the ones we had lost and still loved, that still awakened every night before we went to sleep, in our dreams, in our everyday life, with a word like this. "They are… the souls that died, the souls that never even made it in Soul Society, the forsaken Hollows, the executed Modified souls and Shinigami… all of those who are still remembered and still loved…" I let a sob seeing my father's eyes staring down at me and smiling proudly.

"But…" I began feeling something blocking my airway. "…how can I eliminate them? They'll always return… because… they cannot be forgotten! _I _cannot forget, so how can anybody forget the ones they have lost…"

Haineko took a step backwards and gave me a smile filled with confidence, which looked so strange to me since I couldn't stop my tears from flowing. I wanted to return back in my office in the 10th Division's headquarters and joke around with Hitsugaya-taicho, and after patrolling Rukongai with Kagetora and Hidetoshi we'd go and grab Kyoraku-taicho and maybe even Nanao-chan and have a drink. Maybe I could persuade my captain for once to come along… and have a good time…

But still, when I'd lay down on my futon in my private room with a view at the gardens of the 10th Division, I would see my father again, I would see my brothers fighting with the sticks that resembled katanas, I would hear my mother calling my name to attend the dinner, I would feel proud of myself seeing the smile of pure happiness on my grandmother's wrinkled face…

They would always return…

"Matsumoto…" I heard Haineko's soft voice bringing me slowly out of my thoughts, where the pine trees were so tall they reached the heavens and the ground was covered with ashes, remnants of the past that always lingered there. "…tell me the reason you want me! Tell me the reason you want to hold a Zanpakuto in your hands…"

I sighed and, like deliverance, my heart flattered in my chest. Here, in my head, in Haineko's world, all felt right…

"Haineko…" I smiled weakly at her offering her my hand, feeling all the strength I owned swirl inside of me."… help me bring those restless souls in peace… help them go on! But they shall never be forgotten, because thanks to them we can go on!" I took a deep breath and the pine trees above me rustled. "Thanks to them, _I_ can go on and do what I have to do; help those _unforgotten_ souls find peace!"

Haineko closed her eyes and opened them up revealing two vertical, thin pupils like a cat's in a dark green colour. I felt her hand grabbing mine feeling the energy in her radiate towards me, making me feel strong, alive and confident to do my duty as a Shinigami…


	12. Snow tainted with Ashes

**Chapter 12 – Snow tainted with Ashes**

Beyond this inner world, in the middle of the white, snow-covered plain surrounded by these _unforgotten_ souls with small flames instead of eyes I was standing surrounded by a bright white light as my _reiatsu_ increased with every second that passed by.

This was my reason for holding my Zanpakuto, for having Haineko beside me.

To free these _unforgotten_ souls…

Remind them that they would never be forgotten, even if they left this world and found peace. And Haineko would help me…

"_Kaji da! Haineko!"_ I whispered to her softly knowing that she would hear me. She was right behind me, she always watched my back… (_Kaji da= fire)_

Haineko chuckled and I felt the energy around us increase and grow in mass and intensity as Haineko reached _bankai_ level.

She jumped above me as flames caught up on her flexible, curvy body and she landed between the unforgotten souls causing the snow beneath her turn into water vapors. She glanced back at me and her smile revealed two long, sharp canine teeth while her body started covering itself with thick, dark pink fur. She grew in size in an instant transforming from a human form into a cat-like one. Her ears turned pointy with a lilac colour while her long tail had dark green rings.

Haineko, in the form of a big cat, growled and her body started emitting fire. Flames hugged her body gently and the snow around her melted turning the plain into a shallow lake.

She had reached _bankai_ level… and I could feel her excitement flood me, her power encouraging me.

I turned to the souls that looked up at the new Haineko with confusion on their human faces.

My eyes searched for the one soul that had the body of my father but I couldn't find him. I knew he would always stay in my memories forever, but now was the time to tell him, and all the other unforgotten souls, that it was time…

"_Bankai!_" I growled and Haineko growled in response.

The fires around her body grew stronger and burst free towards every direction, burning down the souls and the snow beneath them. And since the snow was melting fast the souls that dwelled beneath it emerged being caught by the unstoppable fiery tongues.

I could feel the sudden change of temperature and my body felt movable again. My tears had dried out, but inside I was mourning for all these remnants that finally broke into single little spiritual atoms and scattered in the air, in the water, in the clouds like ashes.

They were free…

And I felt light with these thought as I watched Haineko turn all those spirits into ashes.

Haineko growled once more and wherever snow was, small particles of ashes lingered that soon melted away, becoming a part of the circle…

I heard Haineko's soft purr as she approached me and looked down at me with those cat eyes. I looked down on my right arm which was covered with soft ashes.

"Thank you!" I whispered to her softly.

"Thank _you_, Matsumoto!" she chuckled, her long whiskers twitching. "You're not _that_ old after all!" she joked, which made me laugh.

I touched the water that reached my ankles and I bid my farewell to all these souls that would finally find peace…

"Matsumoto!" I heard my captain's voice which I had missed so much and looked up to find him rushing down from the sky, Hyourinmaru beside him in his human form.

I brushed my fingers through my hair feeling suddenly so tired.

"What-!" Hitsugaya-taicho began but his eyes fell on Haineko and he halted in midair not believing what he was seeing. Even Hyourinmaru's eyes widened as he noticed Haineko's _reiatsu_.

I felt quite proud and special that moment knowing that both my captain's and his Zanpakuto's respect towards us would increase vertically. I couldn't help but smile and Haineko chuckled moving her long fiery tail with the green rings.

"You lost a bet, Hyourinmaru-san! I made it!" Haineko said showing off her canine teeth.

I met Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes and what I saw made me feel like I've never felt before. He looked at me and smiled a smile I had never seen drawn on his face. He looked proud and he looked happy.

I couldn't tell if it had to do with the fact that we had stopped this threat from getting worse or with the fact that I had reached _bankai_ level, but whatever it was he was directing this smile at me and only me… and that was all I wanted…

Hitsugaya-taicho informed us of what had occurred to him and Hyourinmaru; that they were caught up in the portal they had created, that more Hollows came coming from everywhere, and that it was Kurosaki-kun that shut the portal in the centre of Karakura, while all of his friends had offered their help to get rid of the multiplying Hollows.

The strange _reiatsu_ that had flooded Karakura had vanished…

Haineko turned back into her human form and as last her eyes turned back to the normal ones, a cloud of ash floated behind her like a ghost. We both looked over our shoulders as we traveled through the portal and Haineko dried away one last tear that rested in the corners of my eyes smiling at me.

Our bond had got stronger, and this made us both happy and stronger to keep trying.

To keep helping the souls needed and offer peace to the pieces left behind. And I knew I also had my captain's back. That he would support me and protect me when needed.

Some time ago, I would think that my job was to watch my Captain's back, but this was something I'd do even if it wasn't my job. We were comrades, we were working together. We watched each other's backs… And the fact that I had reached _bankai _level didn't mean that my rank would change, because I didn't want to. Hitsugaya-taicho would always be my little captain, and I wanted to be there for him…

The only thing that had changed was my confidence; I had become stronger to protect Hitsugaya-taicho, Soul Society and my comrades in the Human world, but above all the unforgotten souls…

And Haineko would always give me courage when I needed it…

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**Sorry Matsumoto's bankai fight didn't last that long! i didn't want it to be over-done :) hope you enjoyed it though, i thought it's finally time Matsumoto got her bankai!**

**This was Part 1 of _Can a Shinigami love_! Part 2 will focus on Toushirou's and Matsumoto's relationship -so no fighting scenes- and there will be a lot more of the white-haired captain's pov... Thank u so much for reading XD Take care!**


	13. Ranking

**Hey everyone! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!**

**Here is part 2 of the story, which will focus more on the relationship between Matsumoto and Toushirou-so hopefully it'll turn more romantic and so-but not right away- i like to take things slowly (maybe too slowly sometimes...). ENJOY!**

**

* * *

Part 2 - Restless Nights**

Chapter 13 - Ranking

Golden flakes of dust floated in the air, glancing as they passed through a sunray. It seemed like a thousand little fairies dancing nonchalantly in no specific pattern, but simply bidding their farewell to the sun. The background was blurry and the noises of the world distant. Even the dust particles were silent, and only my breathing echoed loudly. It felt so peaceful…

I raised my hand and waved it in this cloud of golden little fairies and their dance broke into a panicky swirl. In every sunray, the particles would glow, in every shadow they'd become nothing but dust. And when the current my hand had created subsided, the little fairies came back and continued with their dance, as if nothing had ever disrupted their calm.

I felt so drowsy, my eyelids were heavy as I leaned my head on my arms and rested on my desk…

…

"Matsumoto…"

I moaned hiding my face between my arms.

"Hey, wake up…" a whisper woke me up.

I rubbed my eyes and held a yawn as I noticed my captain leaning over my desk.

He looked quite tired himself, and even his usually spiky, snow- white hair looked duller, the way his strands fell on his forehead and their colour looked a little grayish. There was a slight smile and that made me smile back stretching my arms over my head.

We had already reached Soul Society twenty four hours ago, yet we both were still exhausted from the last mission in the Human world.

But sometime we had to return to our world as Shinigami, and the time had come.

First of all, a hearing awaited everyone who was sent to the Human world in the presence of the entire Gotei 13.

I sighed thinking about it. I always had a hard time acting all serious in front of the people I also spent so much of my leisure time with.

"Captain!"

"They'll be waiting us in half an hour." He said with his deep, and slightly hoarse voice of his. Although his childish appearance, his voice and his eyes were the ones of a well experienced, grown-up person who has gone through tough times in his long life.

Hitsugaya-taicho, his hands on my desk, looked down and sighed too.

"It'll be over soon, and then you can sleep for as long as you want!" he muttered, hardly opening his lips.

I chuckled flattered with the special attention he showed me, something very rare of my captain.

"Hn! Can't wait then! We can announce that the entire 10th Division will be taking a week off! Believe me, everybody will truly appreciate it!" I said imagining all of the 10th Divisions Shinigami sleeping all day long and partying all night long…

Ah, that'd be a great time indeed…

But Hitsugaya-taicho shot me this glance filled with irritation and seriousness.

"And then they'll call us the Happy Hour Division!" he said harshly, and I grinned with my captain's attempt to joke.

"Now, now! Your sense of humour improves, captain! Well done! Let me give you a big hug!" I stood up and opened up my arms about to pull my little captain close to me, but he managed to draw away the last moment with a deep frown.

"In half an hour, at the gate!" he said with his captain's tone and left.

I frowned feeling a little let down, but it was not a first one. For some reason, Hitsugaya-taicho despised contact and affection, at least the way I did.

After everything that had happened back in the living world, I might as well say that I care even more for the people who matter the most to me. In a situation lingering between life and death, and through painful trips to my past, I couldn't pretend nothing happened…

I had become more sensitive, and every little detail around me felt so important when some days ago I took all this for granted. Even my captain…

I have been working under him for a hundred years, and so our relationship had become something stable. We both respected each other and trusted each other in a distinctive way, yet I was the lieutenant and he was the captain with very different personalities. Many said we were the complete opposites, except on the battlefield. There I could tell what he was thinking and so did he. After years of working together and living under the same roof, it should be expected…

As different as we were, we had found a way to co-exist when not in a fight or in a dangerous, life-threatening mission. He was patient, and I was flexible with his strange waves of frustration and irritation.

And that was it.

Because of his great despise of affection, I tried not to show it that often. When I did it was simply to have some fun, knowing how much he hated it. And, honestly, I liked doing this in front of other men, just to piss them off! But, I cared about Hitsugaya-taicho… and I wished he'd appreciate my effort of trying to show it to him…

Sometimes I just seeked for a glimpse of happiness in his face when I told him how cute he looked, or when I wrapped my arms around him, letting him drown his face in my cleavage, but he would only pull himself away and glare at me, calling my name with such irritation.

And here he was now, waking me up in a calm way and not hitting a book on my skull. His voice had sounded so affectionate and calm when he called my name… and I shivered remembering.

I chuckled brushing my long hair backwards and headed slowly to my private rooms…

After washing myself with no power whatsoever to even stand up, and putting on a clean Shinigami uniform, I tied my Zanpakuto at the white sash on my waist and headed to the gates of the 10th Division's headquarters.

The full moon radiated its dim, silver light all around Soul Society giving out a cold mood, while little clouds flowed from the north with a slight breeze accompanying.

I remembered the thick snow that had been falling back in the Human world and I wished it snowed here too, so that I could enjoy a warm cup of tea and a long sleep in my futon by the fire. But it never snowed in Soul Society…

Hitsugaya-taicho had just walked out of his private rooms and we met at the pebble-covered path where the tall pine tree stood like a restless guardian spreading its branches over the buildings.

My captain had his own Zanpakuto tied behind his back with a dark green sash, pinned with a golden star with multiple edges.

"Let's go then!" he muttered and I nodded.

We jumped high on the rooftops and made our way towards the buildings of the 1st Division, on the south of the mountain that stood majestic in the middle of Seireitei. In the 1st Division's headquarters was the assembly hall, a spacious room with no windows were the most important meetings took place. Most of the times it was only used by the Captains of Gotei 13 during emergencies, but, just like tonight, also for debriefing of important missions… just like ours…

As we rushed with flash steps over sleeping Seireitei, I yawned and held my palm in front of my mouth, feeling my eyelids so heavy, I barely kept them open not to trip on any rooftop.

I was well aware that using _bankai_ demanded a great amount of spiritual energy, but still I never thought I'd hardly be able to lift my legs even after twenty-four hours from the moment I actually performed it… I sighed feeling my legs like made of jelly, but I still kept my pace along my captain.

I felt his eyes on me as I ran behind him, but I gave him a reassuring smile.

The headquarters of the 1st Division resided just at the base of the great mountain, hiding almost half of the sky creating a cloak of shadow over it. The buildings were all connected with red painted verandas and at the far end, with one wall almost touching the mountain's steep side, stood a tall tower that had a breathtaking view of all of east, south and west of Seireitei and even of Rukongai, for as far as the eye could reach. I remember being up there once, during a threatening situation in Soul Society.

The air smelled differently up there, but still I preferred my down-to-earth private rooms, only a step away from solid ground and the beautiful gardens of my division.

Oh, a nap wouldn't hurt me at all now…

Hitsugaya-taicho and I halted in front of the white-painted fences that surrounded the buildings and we walked under big cherry trees which were blossoming and a soft blanket of their white and pink petals had covered the ground. Under the dim, moonlight I could even persuade myself that it was snow.

"Captain, if I fall asleep, I won't mind if you punch me!" I warned my captain dragging my legs following him.

He didn't look at me as he spoke, but I noticed the tension building up in the muscles of his neck.

"Neither will I!" he replied and his hand brushed the surface of the white wall as he searched for the hidden entrance.

Suddenly, he stopped and he pushed his index finger on one point and a huge crack appeared revealing a thin plate, same material and colour as the wall, and he pushed it inside. There was a low opening and Hitsugaya-taicho entered. I had to hunch in order not to hit my head and I closed the opening with that thin plate.

It was pitch-black and I made a too big step, landing on my captain. I felt his hair tickle my cleavage and I held a giggle.

"Sorry, captain!"

I heard a grunt of annoyance from his part and I heard his footsteps moving forward.

I followed, unable to distinguish anything in the darkness. After some moments, I managed to see the white glance of my captain's hair and then I felt like being blinded as we reached a lit corridor and the huge double doors that led into the assembly hall.

Before we entered, Hitsugaya-taicho turned to look at me over his shoulder, looking a bit concerned about something. I doubted it was the meeting, since he must have attended at least a thousand meetings in his career as a Shinigami captain. I frowned wishing he was worried about me…

All we had to do was to report in first person about everything that took place in the living world. I had done it many times as well. But this time, there was also something else that had occurred and that was me reaching _bankai_ level… finally…

It felt like life was repeating itself… just like more than a hundred years ago, when I was still in the Shinigami Academy, I had been the last one of my generation to obtain my Zanpakuto. Just in time before being expelled and sent back in Rukongai with the _common _souls. And now, here I was again; being a lieutenant for so long, and finally I had reached _bankai_ level…

I hoped the Gotei 13 would praise me and not comment on the time I needed to obtain this level…

And as Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes were fixed on mine, a pair of icy emeralds under the little shadow of his frown, I realized that this could be the only reason he was worried… maybe he feared that, since I had reached _bankai_ and so become, as they say, a complete Shinigami, that the Gotei 13 would want me transferred…

My lips parted as I thought about it…

I had never thought it this way…

And I didn't like it, and it showed on my face as I realized from the alteration of my captain's look. He turned around to face me and made a step closer.

"Captain, I…" I began, but he shook his head slightly, hiding his hands in the sleeves of his kimono.

"I'll watch over your back, Matsumoto!" he said, and his voice sounded so calming in this time and place, and I missed a heartbeat as he gave me this hint of pride in his look before he turned around and opened the doors to reveal the assembly hall.

I took a deep breath and tried to think of nothing else than my duty and the reason I was here…

…

I had never felt so nervous before, being under the eyes of each Captain of Gotei 13.

Some of them were looking at me proudly, just like Kyoraku, the Captain of the 8th Division, others with great surprise, like Soifon, the Captain of 2nd Division and the Commander-in-Chief of the Secret Mobile Orps, and others with pure boredom to be called out on a meeting in the night for something so trivial. Kurotsuchi-taicho's look was like that.

But the one look I could never bare to feel burdening my shoulders and piercing my entire existence was the Captain-Commander's; Yamamoto Genryusai Shigekuni. The oldest of the Shinigami, with slanted, crimson red eyes who always made me feel so little and insignificant under his stare.

Even when he wasn't looking directly at me, I was still too aware of my every movement, my every breath.

As long as I wasn't directly spoken to, I was down on one knee in respect in front of the Gotei 13.

Hitsugaya-taicho was the one to report everything about the mission in the Human world. The strange _reiatsu_ that made our Zanpakuto's souls so uneasy, Kurosaki Ichigo's assistance, the portal in the center of Kurosaki's town that led into the so-called _Trash _world, and the new forms of souls that had been created in this dimension; the _unforgotten _souls…

I noticed how he missed the point where we visited Urahara's shop in order to obtain our Gigai, since Urahara's matter was of great sensitivity for most of the captains, including the Captain-Commander.

Whenever they needed some comment or information of mine, I told them.

And then it came down to the point where Hitsugaya-taicho was trapped in the portal Hyourinamru had opened up, and I was left behind between all those unforgotten souls.

I could feel deep silence as I spoke of me coming face to face with an unforgotten soul that had the exact form of my father and how I ended up in Haineko's world inside my head.

Although I couldn't speak of the details, all I told them was that Haineko transformed, radiating her tremendous _reiatsu_ all over the place and how she let those unforgotten souls go, in peace…

Everyone's eyes were locked on me, each one of them was criticizing me differently…

Down on one knee, I waited for someone to speak up, tell something, anything… and it was my captain who broke this uncomfortable silence…

"The matter of the unforgotten souls should be further investigated and not left like this. It can become a problem again in the near future if we don't find a way to deal with all those leftovers and not just dump them in another dimension." He said, using his calm captain's tone.

I noticed with the corners of my eyes the Captain-Commander nod.

"Yes, indeed we have to find out how to avoid another situation like this…" his deep, hoarse voice lingered in the air, and I noticed Kurotsuchi-taicho move slightly, his golden eyes glancing in the dim light of the room.

"Well… there hasn't been a record of something similar in the past, so I wouldn't suggest we make a haste of it. You see, I'd like your permission to actually go check it myself; this strange _Trash _world, and make my own little research. It's very rare for these souls' leftovers to come form an independent new kind of soul, and… according to my own calculations, this can happen every five-thousand and four hundred years approximately." Kurotsuchi-taicho said, his voice filled with irony and lacking in any human emotion except irony and coldness. "It's a lifetime's opportunity to investigate this matter!" his chuckle sounded so alien, it made me shiver imagining this inhumane captain doing his cruel research on these souls that were nothing more than the pieces of those who died yet were still remembered.

I had no idea how they were formed, or how they survived in this snow-covered dimension, but I hoped I there was a more humane way to deal with them…

But Kurotsuchi-taicho was right… since this had never happened before, at least was never recorded before, there were no clues of how to avoid a chaos like this emerge again. Time disruption was a great reason to worry and panic…

I sighed slightly, and looked down at me feet.

"Kurotsuchi-taicho, you can do as you please. Just find a way to avoid another incident like this." The Captain-Commander said.

"Matsumoto!" he called my name and I stood up, exhausted and nervous feeling this old Shinigami's eyes on me.

"Aye!"

"You have been one of the few Shinigami who have kept their position for such a long time." He began what I feared he'd say eventually. "Despite your reputation, as a Shinigami and a lieutenant you are well-respected and possess an ability to act under demanding situations with great calm and tact." He paused and I felt as if my heartbeat was the only thing echoing in this hall.

"You have served under two captains and both spoke highly of you!" I lowered my eyes, remembering Hitsugaya-taicho's worry in his eyes. "And so do many ranked Shinigami, including Captains. So… Matsumoto, prove us that you've reached _bankai_ and it will be decided whether you'll have the seat of Captain of the 3rd Division!"

I looked up at the Captain-Commander with parted lips, while the two rows of Captains, lined on each side of me looked down at me.

I clenched my fists, hiding them under my kimono's sleeves.

This couldn't be possible…

They were actually offering me the seat of Captain…

And, specifically, the empty seat which once belonged to Gin…

My heart felt heavy inside my chest as my thoughts wondered to this silver-haired man with the mysterious aura of his…

"Tomorrow, at sundown, you will demonstrate your _bankai_ at the Soukyoku hill." He said simply and he stood up from his chair and made a step closer. Even though the distance between us was big, is felt as if the air around me grew thinner.

"You're a Shinigami to look up to… and we expect a lot from you…" he said and I met his red eyes, my heart beating fast. His words alone should make me feel proud of myself, and give me courage to accept my fate and become a Captain… but still there was this coldness in the Captain-Commander's voice that caused fear and uneasiness flood my insides, and a wave of pain darkened the memories I still held dear of Gin…

The first friend I had in Soul Society, when I was still a lost soul in this new world, had forgotten about me ever since we had entered the Shinigami Academy, and when he graduated in only a year, and when he was offered right away a high-ranked seat in Aizen-taicho's division, I was nothing but a common trainee Shinigami…

I had shed too many tears for this man, and I had wasted too many nights trying to figure him out, but still… he kept growing the distance between us. Until he became 3rd Division's Captain… and until he left Soul Society being tagged as a traitor…

In such a short time, that still felt like eternity, I had found a friend… and lost him…

And now, under the Captains' stare, I was being offered _his_ seat…

…

Seireitei was covered with a dim, silver cloak of moonlight, and the air felt rather refreshing compared to the thick, humid air of the underground assembly hall.

Hitsugaya-taicho was walking beside me. I felt him glancing at me every now and then, but I tried to stay calm avoiding talking.

Kyoraku appeared beside us, his straw-hat hanging from a string behind his back, exposing the loose ponytail of his long, wavy hair. There was a smile of sympathy on his face, which usually made me smile back, but right now it looked so foreign… and I remembered the one true smile I had seen on Gin's face, the day Aizen-taicho visited our hut in Rukongai and offered us a place in Seireitei and the Shinigami Academy…

"Think of it as a birthday surprise, Matsumoto-chan!" he smiled brightly, though I knew both he and Hitsugaya-taicho noticed the lack of happiness in my expression. I tried to fake a smile though. I didn't want to disappoint them; they believed in me enough to make me a captain…

"Is it really so tiring to use _bankai_ each time? Then I guess I shall pass the offer… I won't be much of an effective captain if I need a two-days' rest after each battle!" I tried to joke, though it didn't sound as sincere as I wanted.

Kyoraku chuckled though, trying to enlighten my mood.

I rubbed the base of my neck.

"That's a matter of practice! According to your report, you must have emitted a great amount of spiritual energy then, and it's very natural for your soul to feel devastated. In the future you'll be able to control the speed you emit energy and thus strain this beautiful body of yours less!"

I chuckled and my eyes darted up the high mountain with the white forest on the east side of it, up where tomorrow my destiny would be foretold… whether I'd become a Captain or not… and I touched the handle of my Zanpakuto as I caught myself wishing the final decision would be negative…

I couldn't take Gin's place…

And, above all, I didn't want to leave Hitsugaya-taicho's side…


	14. No Other Place I Want to Be

**I luv u guys! thanx for reviewing! so here is the next chapter hoping it'll bring a smile on your faces! Toushirou and Matsumoto inspire me like no other hehehe! EnjoyXD

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Chapter 14 - No other place I want to be...

Although my body was torn to pieces I couldn't sleep a single minute the previous night. I moved from my futon to my office and tried to take a nap on the couch, but still it was impossible. I had all the signs of lack of sleep and exhaustion on me, but still my eyes wouldn't shut, and my thoughts would go on running wild in my head.

I had never thought of becoming a lieutenant, let alone a captain…

I just never thought myself capable of carrying so many responsibilities on my shoulders. I was irresponsible, naïve and too open-minded sometimes, and these were definitely no virtues of a Captain of the Gotei 13.

And, on top of that, a Captain didn't have the luxury of attending parties in the middle of the night, getting drunk with his fellow colleagues, or skip work for a day or two… how could I become something I was not…

Through my living life I was the youngest of three siblings, the wilder, the louder, even though I was a girl. It seems this was my way of drawing everyone's attention. And now, all grown-up and a Shinigami, I had developed a new way to be the centre of everything, so why would I give up on everything I've built to act serious and organized and the leader of an entire Division just so I could prove to everyone I was a role-model Shinigami… hmph, no, thank you…

For a hundred years I've been a lieutenant. And for more than the half of them, I've served under Hitsugaya-taicho with whom I had such a great relationship I didn't want to ruin. Most of the times he accepted me the way I was, so why would I leave him and become an equal of him…

I could never become equal with Hitsugaya-taicho…

I didn't _want_ to…

Such things kept my brain wide awake during the night, and that's why I was staring at the ceiling now with widened red eyes, as if I was forced to not blink once. My limbs felt like dead, and even breathing felt such a drag.

My feet where lying on my desk and I didn't care if my cleavage was a little more exposed than usual. I just lied there, trying to drill a hole on the ceiling with my stare…

"Matsumoto-san!" I didn't hear the knock on the door, or Hidetoshi entering looking down at me with a deep frown and a blush on his face. Hidetoshi was the 3rd seated officer of 10th Division and a loyal fan of mine. Sometimes I really despised his animal-like behavior of his, but as a Shinigami I respected him… a little…

I didn't look at him as he spoke.

"Matsumoto-san! Are you leaving us? Are you leaving 10th Division?" he asked and I heard the panic rising in his voice. I shifted my stare towards him, noticing the deep frown on his narrow face with a round piercing glancing on his nose.

My lips were too dry as I replied with no power at all.

"Maybe…"

"Will you take me with you then? Please?" he kneeled and begged. For the first time his eyes were not glued at my bosom.

I rubbed my eyes and straightened my back. My feet fell hard on the floor.

"The only high-ranked seat I'll ever take is the one of the new club I'm founding; I'll call it the _Happy Hour club_ and I promise you'll be my first member!" I said simply glancing at Hidetoshi still kneeled next to my chair.

"Happy Hour Club?"

"Yap! There'll be drinks and snacks twenty-four/ seven and talking about work or obligations will be forbidden. Whoever even _speaks_ the word Captain, or duty, or filing reports or whatever will be banned to step their foot in my club!" I said decisively and grinned at the beaming man.

He was actually happy and I chuckled.

"That's the best idea I've heard in a thousand years, lieutenant! I love it and I promise I'll bring more members so that we can start right away!" he said with an exciting tone in his loud voice.

I patted his shoulder.

"I'm counting on you, Hidetoshi-kun!"

"Aye!" he jumped up and bowed before he left the office leaving a trail of dust behind him.

I shook my head amused with the fact that he believed me, and, tired as I was, my brain finally decided to fall asleep so my head hit my desk with a banging noise and I fell unconscious…

Gin appeared before me, tall with short, silver hair and strands falling on his slanted eyes, a grin of irony and his hand pointing down at me as I was on the ground on one knee.

"Why won't you take my place in the Gotei 13, huh?" he asked me, with his calm, yet harsh voice of his.

I stood up and met his bright blue eyes, hardly distinguishable from his narrowed eyelids.

"Because I can't!" I replied matter-of-factly.

He shrugged with a sigh.

"And why's that?"

I noticed his hand shuffling inside the inner pocket of his white haori and revealed a dried persimmon. He took a bite and I felt the taste of it in my own mouth.

"Because I have too large breasts! One cannot become a captain if they have large breasts! Look at Soifon-taicho!" I answered simply as if it was common-sense. Gin widened his grin.

"Yes… you're right!" he muttered swallowing the last piece of dried persimmon.

I approached him.

"Then I'll have to cut them for you!"

I froze widening my eyes. Gin took out his Zanpakuto and pointed it at me.

"Wh-what?"

Suddenly I realized we were upon the Soukyoku hill and many other Shinigami I knew were there with me, all pointing their Zanpakuto right at me.

"Cut them for you!"

"Cut them for you!" they all kept saying again and again coming closer and closer forming a circle. I tried to take out my blade but I found out it was missing, and terror flooded my senses.

I noticed Kyoraku grinning at me, Hidetoshi, even the Captain-Commander, his crimson red eyes fixed on my breasts, muttering those words that made my heart beat faster ready to explode.

Gin, who was the closest to me, grabbed my shoulder and I felt his exhale on my hair as he shoved them away, his hand trailing down from my neck to my collarbone following the golden chain around my neck.

"_We _will_ make you a Captain!"_ he whispered in my ear and I shivered.

This can't be true…

No…

"NOOOO!"

…

Toushirou crossed his legs sitting down at the wooden little veranda that had a view of the gardens of 10th Division that were surrounded by the rooms of the Shinigami of the division. The rooms were forming a big square with the gardens in the middle, all connected to a low veranda.

He gazed at the little bushes with blossomed, bright yellow daffodils, the daisies, the freshly-cut grass and the thick branches of the huge pine tree at the farthest south part, hugging half of the headquarters protectively.

He sipped his tea as his mind traveled back to his lieutenant…

He had heard her in the night wandering around, unable to sleep or even stay still. Her breathing heavy and her footsteps touching the wooden floor with signs of frustration.

He had even seen her shadow passing by his room, and she had halted there.

He hadn't moved or said anything. He had simply stared at her shadow through the thin paper walls, imagining the agitated look on her face and the fear in her glassy, grayish-blue eyes. But she had stayed there only a minute enough for him to realize that something was wrong with her, and she had left heading towards the office.

Toushirou had hardly slept himself knowing that tomorrow onward he'd have to bid his farewell to the life he had finally got used to sharing with this annoying, naïve, lazy woman…

He sighed slightly placing his cup of tea on the floor beside him.

His eyes darted towards the office where she had spent half of the night.

Despite all her flaws, she was a great Shinigami, cooperative, open-minded, tactful and possessed the virtues of a leader; she was powerful, well-respected and she cared about the people around her. She showed it to them, and that made her even stronger, because many loved her and would fight for her, just because she was who she is…

She would make a great Captain… just as the Captain-Commander had said; she was a Shinigami to look up to…

The sunrays emerged from the east behind the buildings covering everything in a dim, golden light while the pine tree's branches shuffled slightly scratching the rooftops. Waves appeared on the grass and dried leaves and petals floated above the pebbles on the ground.

Toushirou heard rushing footsteps approaching.

As Hidetoshi halted before him he bowed.

"Captain! I heard rumours that the lieutenant will be leaving our division! Is it true?" he asked what Toushirou expected to hear.

He hardly lifted his eyes to look at the tall, thin man with the short, black hair and the piercing on his nose. His sleeves of his kimono were cut at the height of his elbows exposing tattoos like bracelets around his wrists.

"Who told you this?" Toushirou asked, not really surprised that something like this had already been spread all around Seireitei. News traveled fast. And there was one specific Captain who loved gossiping like anything…

"Well… Koji-san, from 8th Division!" Hidetoshi replied sounding nervous.

"That Kyoraku…" Toshirou mumbled through his teeth making up his mind to have a private word with that annoying captain…

"So? Will Matsumoto-san leave?"

Toushirou looked at Hidetoshi and felt his guts heavy noticing the true worry in the man's dark brown eyes. Some of the men of 10th Division had been working along Matsumoto longer than with him, and that had created a great bond between many soldiers of his Division with Matsumoto, and so, with himself.

They trusted Matsumoto and Matsumoto trusted him, that was the first and foremost reason most of 10th Division's soldiers followed him unquestionably…

Matsumoto was the one who made Toushirou approachable to his men… and now this link would shatter…

But this wasn't the reason he couldn't bear losing her…

It was the fact that she made him _feel_ approachable, acceptable, likeable…

Years ago, Matsumoto had been the one to push Toushirou forward and become a Shinigami… now he had to be strong as well to let her go and become a Captain…

"We'll know tonight!" Toushirou said finally and stood up to go to his private rooms.

He didn't turn around as he heard Hidetoshi gasp and run towards the office where Matsumoto was, he just slid the paper wall of his rooms close and glanced at the piece of parchment lying on the tatami with a bottle of ink and a pen.

Toushirou tried to persuade himself that they wouldn't become strangers if she left 10th Division. She would only move out and work and live in another building, but that wouldn't stop them from meeting up and exchange views as fellow captains…

He shrugged as he sighed knowing that was impossible…

He never met with other captains in his free time, he preferred spending his time alone, enjoying his tea, the peace and quiet, or simply a book. If he started meeting up with Matsumoto, who was probably the most popular Shinigami in Seireitei would mean new sources of gossiping, something that Kyoraku seemed to really love…

The people would start wondering why the captain of 10th Division, this cold, distant, arrogant boy would spend his leisure time with the 3rd Division's Captain and most attractive woman in Soul Society…

Toushirou rubbed the back of his neck a little too hard trying to stop this dangerous row of thoughts take over him.

It seemed he had become too attached and dependent on that woman… maybe it was indeed time for both of them to become independent and not get used to the easy way of life…

And so, Toushirou decided to finally end this letter he had started writing during the night, when his lieutenant's shadow appeared behind the paper walls…

But he managed to write only a couple of words when he heard Matsumoto shout from his office.

Instinctively he stood up, grabbing his Zanpakuto which was resting on a stand by the wall and ran towards his office.

Toushirou slammed the door open to find his lieutenant shouting in her sleep. There was no one else in the room, but still he tied his blade on his back and approached Matsumoto. Dark circles surrounded her flickering, shut eyes while her lips kept mumbling unknown words.

"No! Don't cut them! Don't-!" she kept muttering.

Toushirou frowned and crossed his arms feeling embarrassed for running around his Division to find his lieutenant having nightmares.

"That's crazy!" he muttered to himself and walked slowly towards his desk, but he flinched with terror when Matsumoto screamed _no_ and fell off her chair.

Toushirou leaned over Matsumoto's desk shocked and found her trying to wake up rubbing her temples.

That woman was indeed nuts, and for a moment he tried to remember why he thought she could become a great captain…

"Oh man!" Matsumoto grunted and tried to stand up.

Toushirou blushed deeply as he noticed her kimono exposing a little too much of her cleavage. He immediately looked away.

"Oh, captain!" Matsumoto said surprised when she noticed his existence.

Toushirou frowned and tried to look normal.

"What were you doing?" he asked harshly.

Matsumoto looked a mess. Her usually bright, soft skin looked paler, her lips were dry and her eyes red from the exhaustion. She dragged herself on her chair and leaned on the desk.

"Are you drunk?" Toushirou wondered with a deep frown.

Matsumoto met his eyes and chuckled shaking her head.

"Oh no! No!" she brushed her palm over her face when she looked at him as if she remembered something.

"You'll never believe what I nightmare I saw! I was on the Soukyoku hill and half of Seireitei wanted to cut my boobs off, claiming that it was the reason I couldn't become a captain…" she sighed deeply and yawned.

Toushirou moved his head slightly not really understanding what she had just said… she must be kidding…

"I would have killed every single one of them, but my Zanpakuto was missing! As if I'd let them cut my pretty boobs to become a captain! Yeah, right!" she muttered and stood up losing her balance for a moment but held onto the desk before falling over.

She had to be drunk, so Toushirou walked to his desk and opened every single drawer thinking he'd find empty bottles of sake. But there were none. So he walked to her desk and searched there as well.

"Captain, it's rude to look into other people's drawers. What if I kept my underwear there?" Matsumoto muttered as she walked towards the little room that was being used as a kitchen.

Toushirou sighed helplessly as he tried to think why his lieutenant was acting like a drunk when there were no bottles of her favourite drink in here. He was sure she hadn't left the headquarters all night.

"Matsumoto!" he growled irritated he was worrying about her so much. Her head popped out of the room holding two cups between her fingers. "Go straight to your room and sleep! If you don't, I promise I'll _make_ you sleep!" he ordered her, but all he took as a response was a look filled with question marks from her.

"What kind of a threat is that, Hitsugaya-taicho?" she asked jokingly as she put water to boil.

Toushirou walked up to her crossing his arms on his chest.

"I'm still your Captain, Matsumoto, and I ordered you to go and sleep. Or wasn't I clear enough?" he growled again, but it seemed that his point wasn't getting through, as if her brain was still asleep.

"You made yourself perfectly clear, captain!" Matsumoto grinned rubbing her palms together.

Toushirou was getting impatient watching her act as if today was nothing but another normal day.

"Matsumoto!" he called her name strictly, using his cold, harsh tone, the one that always drew everyone's attention. She did look at him and her grin faded away as her eyes kept steady on his. "Depending on your demonstration of your _bankai_ today, your future as a Shinigami will be secured, yet you… you don't even try to restore your energy! What's the matter with you?"

Matsumoto's expression got serious as she lowered her eyes.

"Captain, I'll be more than glad if I end up incapable of performing my _bankai_ up there. Honestly…" she looked at him with a sad smile. "… I don't _want_ to show them my _bankai_!"

Toushirou frowned and his lips parted slightly.

"What?" he gapped, unable to follow this woman's logic.

"You heard me, captain! I'm not a person to be seated as an entire Division's captain!" Matsumoto shot harshly.

Toushirou felt his face burn with anger.

"You think you know better than Gotei 13?" he asked her in an undertone, but still letting his frustration echo in his voice.

Matsumoto opened her mouth to speak, but whatever she was thinking she kept it to herself.

Toushirou sighed closing his eyes as he tried to calm his nerves down. Just when he had persuaded himself that everything was going to be fine, that it was for both of their sakes' they'd finally get independent from one another, she acted all selfish and stubborn.

There was silence and only the water reaching boil temperature echoed. Matsumoto took the water from the fire and poured it into one of the cups. The bitterness of the tea flooded his nostrils and he made a step backwards, clenching his fists.

Matsumoto held the cup in her hands, the fog emerging and fading on her face, while she blew slowly at it. She offered it to him her eyes avoiding his.

Toushirou took the cup she offered him and their fingers touched.

Toushirou missed a heartbeat and even more when he realized that she wasn't letting go of the cup, keeping her fingers on his.

"Matsumoto…" Toushirou began, noticing a slight tremble in his voice. It felt as if the fog blurred his mind, and for a moment he wished he could feel like this forever; with the scent of freshly-made tea, with the new day awakening the world slowly, with her fingers touching his, with her here… with him…

But this was no good, being attached to someone too much.

Because this bond that would be created would never be able to break, even when the time would come you would need to part ways…

… and that was painful…

And so, even though the words felt like poison in his mouth, he spoke them and kept the pain of his, when she looked at him with shock, to himself.

"… _I've never been more disrespected from you_…"

…

For the rest of the day, anxiously waiting until sundown, Toushirou wandered around Seireitei, keeping his distance from everyone as he traveled alone in his deep, troubling thoughts.

He had regretted for speaking those words to Matsumoto and reasoned himself for telling them a million times, but still he couldn't help the uneasiness and the shame.

On the one hand, he was frustrated with her that she didn't make things easier and just give her best on that hill to secure her place in Gotei 13. Even after many disagreements between the captains, they had finally concluded to offer Matsumoto Ichimaru Gin's seat, and becoming a captain was an honour and the goal of every Shinigami in Seireitei. And so, declining and mocking this decision of Gotei 13 was an act of disloyalty and disrespect towards the way Soul Society functioned, and above all, the opinion and trust the other captains had for the chosen Shinigami.

But still, on the other hand, having heard of Matsumoto's relationship with Ichimaru, he could see why she was opposed to taking his place.

If that was so, that meant that Matsumoto still believed in Ichimaru who had traitorously abandoned Soul Society…

They had never talked about it, and that made him feel even more distant from her.

Maybe the bond they were supposed to have was only on the surface, and deep down, neither of them knew something more about the other…

The sun had reached its zenith, and the sky was clear of any clouds. It was an ordinary day, with no alterations in the air's temperature… it was always the same… just a circle going round and round…

These words of disrespect; it was the only way to change Matsumoto's mind. If there was one thing he definitely knew about her, was her respect towards him.

If he made her believe he was disappointed in her, then, and only then, would she get over the stubbornness of hers and do as told.

Even if he was anything but disappointed in her…

…

An hour before sundown, as the sky was covered slowly with candy-floss clouds and pale tints of purple, orange and pink, Toushirou walked through the gates of 10th Division's headquarters to check on his lieutenant.

The guards bowed as he passed by and he nodded back at them.

His eyes darted to the pine tree that looked slightly duller in colour.

He frowned and walked to his office thinking he'd find Matsumoto there sleeping, but she was absent causing the worry in him increase.

He even glanced at the little room with the stove and the cupboard always filled with snacks, and he remembered her fingertips touching his as she held the cup of tea…

He felt the little hair on the base of his neck rise and headed towards Matsumoto's private rooms.

On his way he bumped into Kagetora, 5th seated officer of his Division with his long, dark brown hair in a ponytail and a long scar of a blade crossing his left temple.

"Captain!"

"Kagetora, where is Matsumoto?" Toushirou asked calmly, hiding his building worry behind the constant frown of his.

"In her private rooms, captain. She's been in there since this morning." Kagetora replied.

Toushirou was about to leave, feeling this wave of uneasiness flood his insides but he noticed Kagetora's concerned glance and halted.

"Ehm, Captain, is it true then?" Kagetora clenched his fists discreetly. "Will Matsumoto-san leave us?"

Toushirou looked straight ahead towards the sliding paper wall with the painted daffodils on them that led to the lieutenant's rooms. He felt his airway blocked as he spoke.

"That depends entirely on her, Kagetora." He said and walked towards her rooms. He halted in front of the paper walls and sighed slightly wondering what he was doing. Why he had come here in the first place and didn't just head straight away to the Soukyoku hill.

He lifted his hand about to knock, but he halted only inches from it.

All he wanted was to wish her luck, but he felt embarrassed even thinking of doing something like this, and so he left without saying a word.

…

At sundown, many Shinigami had gathered on the Soukyoku hill with the surrounding view of Seireitei and Rukongai. The sun was setting hiding behind the dense forest of west Rukongai flooding it with bright red and golden sunrays, while the clouds above them floated nonchalantly in the grey, purple sky.

Matsumoto had appeared, to Toushirou's surprise, but she had avoided him.

When Yamamoto-sotaicho, accompanied by his lieutenant Sasakibe Chojirou, a tall, serious man with bright yellow eyes and a thin moustache on his upper lip, arrived all the present Shinigami - that had to be about half of the ranked Shinigami of Seireitei- seized their conversations to draw their attention towards Matsumoto gathering on one side of her with the white forest behind them.

Toushirou walked easily through the crowd to find a spot on the front. There he met Kyoraku who grinned at him casually touching the tip of his straw-hat.

To their right stood the Palace of Remorseful Sins, a group of tall, cylindrical towers that had a golden glance under the last sunrays of the day, while on the north thick clouds gathered.

Toushirou looked at his lieutenant and felt his guts heavy noticing the nervous frown on her face, the slightly parted lips and her right hand touching the handle of her Zanpakuto, ready to strike anytime.

He caught himself wishing to run towards her and take these words of his back; the ones of disloyalty… fearing that if he didn't she would… indeed leave him…

Toushirou glanced down at his feet, suddenly feeling the air too heavy, the whooshing of the wind louder, and everyone around him so distant. Especially her… She was standing too far away for him to see the exact tint of grayish-blue her eyes had, and the more he looked at her, the more distant she seemed to be…

Why was he such a coward…

All he felt for her was pride and admiration, and he hoped that someday he'd have the proper courage to tell her that...

"Rangiku Matsumoto-san…" Yamamoto-sotaicho's voice echoed loud, snapping Toushirou from his heavy thoughts. "Please proceed with performing your _bankai_!"

Matsumoto bowed and turned around to face the cloudy sky from the north.

Toushirou hid his hands in his sleeves in front of his chest, hiding the sweat that was emerging from his palms.

Matsumoto drew her Zanpakuto with the red handle out of its sheath and a breeze caused her long, dark-blonde, wavy hair dance around her face and shoulders with strands of gold in-between. Toushirou saw her fingers move nervously around the handle of her blade and her eyelids closed for a short moment.

When she opened them her entire body was covered with a white light that radiated from her body with tremendous speed. The _reiatsu_ was strong enough to cause even the 1st Division's lieutenant to flinch. Many in the crowd of spectators called with surprise and Toushirou felt a smile forming on his lips.

Matsumoto lifted the blade over her head and the dark pink sash around her shoulders hugged her curvy body with the swirl of wind the _reiatsu_ around her was forming.

"_Kaji da! Haineko!"_ Matsumoto whispered, but her voice echoed all over the place like a thunder awakening from the skies. Her Zanpakuto glowed bright and a cloud of ashes left the blade landing on the ground in front of her. The dark cloud of ashes started swirling on its own and it started forming the body of a huge, four-legged animal.

Slowly, as more ashes emerged from Matsumoto's blade the cloud turned into a big cat with a long swinging tail and the dull dark brown colour of ashes grew brighter into a dark pink fur, while characteristics appeared one after the other. And there, in front of them, stood a big, pink furred cat with green rings on its long tail, green eyes with slashed pupils and long, sharp canine teeth emerging from its half open mouth. And, then the ashes dropped on the ground and the cat was caught on fire with a growl that caused every spectator's heart to miss a heartbeat.

Matsumoto's right arm, the one holding onto her Zanpakuto was covered with ashes that were floating in great speed around her arm, from her shoulder to her fingertips, forming what seemed like an armor made of ashes.

Toushirou knew well that the ashes of her_ shikai_ could cut through anything, and he wondered whether now not only her blade but her arm as well could function as an entire blade.

And then her arm was caught on fire, just like Haineko was.

Toushirou had to squeeze his eyelids to see through the bright tongues of flames hugging Haineko and Matsumoto's arm and the intense burn of smoke and ashes reaching his mouth and nostrils to see Matsumoto muttering something he couldn't hear.

He caught himself reading her lips, and the image of her holding the cup of tea and blowing at it before she offered it to him popped into his mind.

Haineko, the cat of ashes that burned mighty growled again and lifted her nose up in the air and a large fireball started forming between her jaws and she sent it towards the sky where the fireball exploded causing a rain of ashes, which sparkled like gold dust under the last day's sunrays.

Matsumoto brought her Zanpakuto in front of her and her eyes traveled towards the crowd that was watching her. Toushirou hoped for a moment their eyes would meet, but Matsumoto looked straight to the Captain-Commander.

Haineko moved to face the crowd and a deep purr of hers echoed.

The crowd broke into applause and Matsumoto smiled nervously shoving a long, golden strand behind her ear.

Toushirou couldn't help a hint of a proud smile form on his lips and looked down as he was being pushed from the excited Shinigami who tried to get a better look of Matsumoto and her _bankai_. Toushirou took some steps backwards and in the far back of the crowd he noticed Kurotsuchi, the Captain of the 12th Division and president of the Research and Development Institute of Seireitei, standing with a wide grin on his black-painted face. He was wearing a purple scarf around his neck, while his eyes had a darker tint of gold than usual. Toushirou thought it was rather surprising for a captain like him to be present on such a meeting.

Their eyes met and Toushirou nodded slightly acknowledging him.

"Hitsugaya-taicho!"

"Kurotsuchi! How come you left your important obligations to come here?" he asked, feeling slightly annoyed with the look this strange man had on his face. As if everything and everyone around him were too insignificant and inferior to him.

"Oh, don't get me wrong, prodigy boy! I just came to confirm the reports of your mission."

Toushirou deepened his frown and glanced over his shoulder to see the Captain-Commander talking in person with Matsumoto and other captains, like Kyoraku, Unohana and Soifon.

"You didn't believe them?" he asked not hiding his irritation that Kurotsuchi doubted the testaments of a captain and two lieutenants.

Kurotsuchi's eyes glanced down at Toushirou.

"If you don't remember, I was assigned to research on those _trash_ souls, and somehow your lieutenant fought them all at once with her _bankai_, so I see no reason why you criticize my being here." The captain with the white hat and the black face chuckled and his eyes traveled back to Matsumoto. "I'm just investigating!"

Toushirou chewed on his lower lip watching the 12th Division's captain depart with a slight nod and vanishing with flash steps.

"Hn!" Toushirou grunted and was about to turn around and see what was going on, if Yamamoto-taicho and the present captains had made their mind about offering Matsumoto the 3rd Division's Captain's seat, when his forehead bumped into something hard.

"Wha-!"

"Oi! Hitsugaya-taicho! They're calling for you!" Abarai had appeared out of nowhere and he pushed Toushirou towards the gathered crowd that was now calling Matsumoto's name.

"Here he is!" Abarai announced and pushed Toushirou into the middle of the surrounding crowd where Yamamoto-sotaicho, with Sasakibe, his lieutenant, on his side and Kyoraku, Unohana and Matsumoto were standing.

They all looked down at him as he arrived.

Before Abarai disappeared in the crowd, Toushirou shot him a killer glance and straightened his haori over his Shinigami uniform.

Yamamoto-sotaicho's long beard that was tied in a braid in front of his chest twitched slightly as he grinned at Toushirou.

"Matsumoto-san did very well, and we all agree the Captain's seat of 3rd Division would suit her perfectly." His slanted, red eyes darted towards Matsumoto, and Toushirou glanced at her missing a heartbeat when she looked back at him with a smile. "But Matsumoto-san insisted you'd be present when she'd do us the honour to give a reply."

Toushirou frowned realizing that the moment had come; the moment his life from now on as a Captain would become another solitary path…

Matsumoto pressed her lips together for a moment and rubbed her collarbone looking thoughtful. Toushirou noticed how her fingers trailed upon the golden chain around her long, beautiful neck.

"It's an honour you chose me out of all the lieutenants who have achieved _bankai_ to become 3rd Division's captain, Captain-Commander, and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity..." Matsumoto chuckled "If I can say lifetime here, since I guess I'll be around for another thousand years... hopefully... anyways, I deeply appreciate your offer and coming here and all, but, well, I have to decline it!" Matsumoto grinned innocently.

Toushirou glanced at the other present captains to reassure himself of what he had just heard. They were all staring at Matsumoto with wide eyes.

"You don't want to be captain?" Yamamoto-sotaicho asked, leaning slightly forward on his stick.

Matsumoto shook her head.

"Nope! There are far better Shinigami to lead a whole Division! Believe me, Yamamoto-sotaicho, in two days you'll have regretted about it!" Matsumoto laughed looking so calm, as if she had simply declined an offer of a new pair of sandals.

Toushirou wanted to punch this innocent grin from her face gritting his teeth.

"That's crazy!" he muttered crossing his arms.

"I mean it, captain!" Matsumoto responded with a serious face.

Toushirou shook his head not looking Matsumoto in the eye.

"Can I have a word with Matsumoto in private?" he asked Yamamoto-sotaicho. He simply shrugged, but Matsumoto spoke up.

"My decision is final, captain."

Toushirou glared at her feeling the blood pump intensely through his temples.

"I said I want to talk to you in private, Matsumoto!"

"Say it here, Captain. No matter what you're saying I'm not becoming a captain. It's… it's not right!" Matsumoto said harshly.

"Fine then!" Toushirou growled in an undertone. "Is it because of Ichimaru?"

Matsumoto parted her lips and her eyes flickered slightly as she stared back at Toushirou.

Toushirou didn't show any emotion except anger and impatience as he noticed the pain in his lieutenant's face.

"Because if it is, it's no reason not to accept this promotion, Matsumoto. Fear shouldn't hold you back, instead it should push you forward, so why?" Toushirou felt his tone rising and he tried to calm himself, knowing that it wouldn't be rational to burst in front of strangers.

Matsumoto looked away and she linked her palms in front of her. When her eyes met his, she furrowed her eyebrows with sorrow. But she kept quiet, only looking at him as if she was afraid to speak.

"Matsumoto-san, I want an answer from you in an hour and I hope it'll be your final!" Yamamoto-sotaicho said and was about to leave.

"No, Captain-Commander! My decision _is_ final! I cannot accept the se-!"

"Matsumoto!" Toushirou growled.

"Hitsugaya-taicho!" Matsumoto growled back gritting her teeth.

Toushirou flinched slightly and so did many of the people that had been hearing and watching the entire time. For a moment he wished he could grab her and ran away to talk some sense into this woman's head, without having all those strangers glare at them, commenting, criticizing…

"One of the virtues that matter the most to me as a Shinigami and a lieutenant is cooperation and teamwork. I've been living and working in 10th Division ever since I graduated the academy and everyone in there is like a family to me. For these people I would fight and even give my life for, as I wanted to do when I set those _unforgotten souls_ free in that other dimension. I don't say I wouldn't be like this in the 3rd Division, or that I would neglect 3rd Division's people's needs, on the contrary I…" Matsumoto sighed and looked away from him. "I think that I could do a good job as a captain, but… hell, I'm too lazy and stubborn and I sleep too long in the mornings and I'm forgetful and… in sum, the 3rd Division would fall apart!" she chuckled and the sound of it felt suddenly so familiar in his ears. "Yamamoto-sotaicho, if you want me to, I can personally recommend you some strong, and more responsible than me Shinigami you could offer 3rd Division's Captain's seat. I'll be staying in my current Division… that's my home!" she turned her head towards Toushirou and grinned at him.

She then bowed deeply, her long dark-blonde hair hiding her face.

"I thank you!" she said sincerely with a slight tremble in her voice.

Yamamoto-sotaicho's beard twitched slightly revealing a grin. Matsumoto straightened her back keeping her eyes lowered.

"Besides, Hitsugaya-taicho will be as good as nothing if I go! He needs me!" she chuckled glancing at Toushirou.

"You…!" Toushirou growled burning with fury, but Yamamoto-sotaicho stopped him grabbing firmly his shoulder.

"Then it's clear… and next time, don't make such a scene!" he said and walked away slowly with his lieutenant following.

"Sure thing, Captain-Commander!" Matsumoto called waving and she walked towards Toushirou. He flinched trying to get out of her reach, still frowning at her frustrated.

"You're the dumbest idiot in the entire Soul Society!" he hissed through his teeth.

"Thank you, captain! I'll take it as a compliment!" she smiled happily.

"Well, well, Toushirou-san! It seems you'll never get rid of her!" Kyoraku appeared out of the blue, smiling at Matsumoto.

Toushirou felt his fists burning to punch everyone's faces.

"Oh, is this true, Hitsugaya-taicho? Were you really so desperate to get rid of me?" Matsumoto faked a disappointed face and she rushed up to him grabbing him from his forearms.

"Matsumoto!" he growled in a threatening way, but she only grinned back at him.

"And here I thought you just wanted to make a dramatic scene!"

And she wrapped her arms around him drowning him in her cleavage. He choked and pushed away grunting angrily.

"When we get home, I'll kill you, Matsumoto!" Toushirou threatened her pointing at her.

Matsumoto closed her eyes for a moment and her face looked so sincere Toushirou felt the same way just like when their fingers touched that morning around the warm cup of tea; as if the world had seized to exist, and the noises were so distant and even Kyoraku next to them was only a blurry maze of colours. And that there was only her, and her shiny, glassy, blue eyes and her true smile…

Toushirou forgot of his threat, his frustration, or even this hint of relief that had flooded him since Matsumoto wouldn't abandon him, something she assured him with those words that kept ringing in his ears during that night… and many other nights after…

"No other place I want to be, Hitsugaya-taicho!"

...


	15. Welcome Back

**XD

* * *

**

Welcome back

"Be honest captain, whom would you choose as your new lieutenant if I had left?" I asked swinging my arms as I walked joyfully beside my little, white-haired captain as we headed back home.

Hitsugaya-taicho had been all day rather harsh and edgy… it seemed I had disappointed him more than I thought, but still I wanted to lighten up his mood.

Remembering the look in his dark, turquoise eyes when he told me those piercing words, I had this strange feeling as if he had felt the same stab through the heart as I had… as if the disrespect came from both of us… as if I was not the only one disappointing him so deeply, as if he had disappointed me the same way as well…

I didn't know why he thought that way, but this stabbing hadn't seized even when I had made my heart stone and ran up that mountain and performed my _bankai_ with all the strength I had managed to build up through the day…

And now, here I was walking beside him, as his lieutenant… hopefully…

I touched my lips with my forefinger as a thought flashed through my head that maybe, after all I've gotten him through, Hitsugaya-taicho would no longer stand having me as his lieutenant…

But still, I'd work under him, no matter what seat I would be…

I glanced down at my frowning captain with the clenched fists ready to smash the first tower that would appear on our way and I sighed helplessly, trying to think of a way to make him feel better. Because right now, I felt like I was only in his way.

"Captain-"

"Please don't talk!" he said harshly not looking at me.

I frowned staring at his cold, furrowed face and the thoughts I knew troubled him and kept him so distant from me. And so I looked straight ahead, my own fists clenching.

"Aye, captain!" I obeyed.

At the headquarters, the entire division was awaiting for us at the wide yard at the gate.

My eyes immediately fell at the pine tree, remembering the fear that had covered my insides with the thought I'd have to leave all this behind. How could I…

Maybe I was a coward after all…

But I had no time to linger more on these thoughts of mine, as all 10th Division's soldiers, my family and friends came rushing towards us and called aloud my name cheerfully. I grinned and greeted them.

"You're back!"

"Matsumoto-fukutaicho!"

"You didn't abandon us!"

I chuckled blushing with all this affectionate attention.

"And who would be the soul of the party if I left, huh?" I joked and Hdetoshi and Kagetora beside me laughed hard and grabbed me to lift me on their shoulders cheering.

The hundred and twenty two people of 10th Division all called my name so loud I felt my heart flatter in my chest. It was like everything felt right, like the air had suddenly a different taste and all the reasons I used to worry about once upon a time were nothing but dried leaves in the autumn wind…

Seeing all these faces, men and women, ranked and unseated soldiers, souls that now lived in the world of the afterlife, each one with their own story lingering in the past and the present, staring up at me with sparkling eyes, calling my name and touching my hands, it just felt impossible to have accepted the 3rd Division's Captain's seat…

How could I…

It would be like betraying the trust and the love these people here showed to me…

Some of them I had personally brought from the hard life in the districts of Rukongai up here in Seireitei. Just like Hitsugaya-taicho… he was one of those people I offered the life, Aizen-taicho had offered Gin and me a long time ago…

My eyes searched for that white-haired young man, with the distant, cold look in the crowd and I noticed him heading away, like a lonely soul fading into the dawn's mist…

"Captain…" I gapped and I pleaded Kagetora and Hidetoshi to put me down.

They glanced at me with a worried frown watching me run towards the captain.

"Hitsugaya-taicho!" I called and I caught up with him in front of the narrow veranda that led towards the back of the buildings where the private rooms were. I heard all the people of 10th Division gathering behind me and Hitsugaya-taicho glanced at them before looking at me.

I felt a rough wave of guilt over me and I bowed on one knee, my hair falling over my shoulders.

He had to know… that I didn't disrespect him… I could never do that… I would never ever do that…

And that's why I couldn't become a captain, because he was one as well, and because of I did I… I'd break the promise I had made him…

"I will always watch over your back, Hitsugaya-taicho!" I said aloud, so that everyone would know, and so that everyone would see how important this white-haired Shinigami was to me and that I'd gladly give my life for him and the Division.

From behind I heard footsteps and the grass rustling. With the corners of my eyes I noticed how all the people of 10th Division had also bowed on one knee, and I couldn't help a smile.

I glanced up at my captain, at _our_ captain noticing the surprise in his icy eyes that were watching over all those faithful followers of his. The Shinigami that looked up to him. And then he looked down at me and I saw suddenly how young he was, yet how time was carved in the deep, beautiful irises of his captivating eyes. How weak he looked and how strange the long blade seemed on his back, yet how firm and experienced his hands were. How small he was, yet how tremendous the energy and the feelings were flowing inside of him and in the air he radiated…

"I shall never again disappoint you, captain!" I whispered so that only he could hear me and I lowered my eyes to the ground beneath me.

When I heard the captain's footsteps approach me my heart began beating faster and I even held my breath knowing he was standing close to me.

I heard a deep sigh escape him which made me shiver slightly.

"Thank you!" he muttered, his voice so deep but filled with true appreciation.

I looked up at him and I smiled seeing how his expression was so agitated, as if he was truly holding up not to cry, or to smile, or to show any kind of emotion, and for a moment I really wanted to pinch his cheek and kiss his other. My heart flattered with that image in my head and I grinned stupidly.

"You're so cute, captain!" I chuckled and Hitsugaya-taicho frowned with surprise.

"_Hooray!"_ the people of 10th Division shouted in unison and they jumped up on their feet cheering now for our captain.

Hitsugaya-taicho flinched holding his arms protectively in front of him, but two very big, muscular men managed to get hold of him and easily lifted him on their shoulders in applause.

I followed the crowd, giggling with Hitsugaya-taicho's attempt to escape in vain from the excited crowd pushing and shouting and swearing.

"Yutaka, Tomio, put me down you idiots!" but the two muscular men only continued cheering their captain's name. "_NOW!_"

I laughed with the scene, but as if Hitsugaya-taicho had heard me above the crowd, he glared at me, his eyes sparkling dangerously. I flinched fearing he'd draw out his Zanpakuto and go _bankai _level all over the 10th Division.

"You there… _I'm gonna kill you_!" he growled showing his fists, and I waved at him, shivering with the thought of what he might really do, since he had already threatened to kill me twice in a few minutes, so I walked away as discreetly as possible.

…

In the office, I lit the oil lamps which sweet, heavy scent flooded the spacious room and decorated the walls behind my office and my chair with colourful ribbons Hinamori-chan provided me. I even had her help me write down on a big piece of parchment the words _welcome back_ and big arrows pointing downwards.

We hang it with strings over my desk so that the arrows were pointing down at my chair.

I chuckled imagining Hitsugaya-taicho's face when he'd see his new office!

I was extremely happy and my hands had to be occupied so I couldn't help myself decorate the entire room with ribbons, balloons, _welcome back _signs and even origami in different shapes of animals which Ayasegawa Yumichika made. I could say he's the second one, after myself with the best taste of fashion and decoration. He's actually from the 11th Division, and 5th seated in rank, but we hang out quite a lot.

And since I wanted to surprise my captain with this new, happy, colourful, vivid look of our office, Ayasegawa-kun had to simply help out a bit.

And he did it gladly.

As Hinamori, Ayasegawa and I were fixing a long, swirling ribbon around the door, a knock scared us and we almost fell off the chairs we used to reach the top of the door.

"Captain?" I asked fearing he had already arrived before we had fixed the final details.

"It's Ikkaku! Is Yumichika there?" Madarame Ikkaku called from outside.

We all sighed with relief and opened the door to let Ayasegawa-kun's friend in.

Ayasegawa was a man of average height with silky, jaw-length, black hair and decorative feathers on his right eyebrow and eyelashes. Among men and women, Ayasegawa was the one I could spend hours talking about the lack of special shampoos and perfumes in Soul Society and the variety that existed in the Human world. I really liked his way of viewing true beauty, and we could debate on it forever.

On the other hand, his best friend, Madarame Ikkaku, who was 3rd seated in the 11th Division, had no interest in fashion, but had always this expression of a hardcore punk. He had grown in the worst part of Rukongai, in Kusajishi district, where he had also met Ayasegawa. Madarame was taller than Ayasegawa, with a shaved head and at the corners of his eyes he had red paint.

His narrowed eyes wandered around the decorated office of mine before he looked at us with a frown.

"Does Hitsugaya-taicho know what you did to his office?" he asked.

I placed my hands on my hips feeling insulted with his words.

"This office is mine as well. I have the same authority over it as Hitsugaya-taicho has!" I told him simply.

"But he's the captain!"

"Shh!" I pushed him slightly away and checked on the last details of the room.

It was perfect…

Finally there was colour in it and it screamed out loud what a happy division we were.

I smiled widely and turned around myself happily.

"I love it! Captain will love it too!" I said joyfully.

"Doubt it!" Madarame muttered and he blew at a balloon over his head causing it to move slightly.

I glanced at him.

"But the real party will be going on in Kyoraku-taicho's backyard. So, whoever is interested, follow me!" Madarame said and he was about to leave, but Hinamori spoke up. Hinamori was Hitsugaya-taicho's childhood friend from the times they lived in Rukongai and was the 5th Division's lieutenant under Aizen-taicho.

"What party?" she asked with her calm, low-toned voice.

Kyoraku-taicho was having a party without inviting me…

I furrowed my eyebrows and crossed my arms.

"Who does he think he is?" I growled in an undertone.

I was planning in buying loads of sake and snacks and celebrate my staying permanently here in the 10th Division, but now Kyoraku wanted to compete.

"Well, he said it's a welcome party for Hitsugaya-taicho, Matsumoto-san and Nemu-san who returned back in whole, but I guess this is just an excuse. I heard he's been planning it for some weeks now…" Madarame explained.

"Really?" I gasped, knowing that if Kyoraku had indeed been planning this event for weeks, it had to be the highlight of the year… there was no way I was going to miss this. I could organize my own party another time.

"Then guys, my party has to be postponed for some other time! Put on your best and let's head the Kyoraku-san's place, shall we?" I announced raising my arms in the air grinning.

"What? What about the decorations?" Ayasegawa complained staring at the last origami he had made, a red little cat.

"Oh I wanted my office remade for quite sometime now! Don't you worry! Let's go, let's go!" I literally pushed them all out of the office and so we all headed towards the 8th Division's headquarters not far away from the 10th Division's.

It was a beautiful night and I had forgotten all about my exhaustion, and the lack of sleep and the fact that I had performed _bankai _level a few hours ago, because here I was, with all those people I had a life with, and we would enjoy this magical night with drinking, eating, laughing, dancing and gossiping. Away from the reality of our world and our Shinigami duties we would have fun and I grinned all the way accompanied by a loud Madarame, a giggling Hinamori and a complaining Ayasegawa…

…

Toushirou was sitting on the rooftop of his private rooms, the highest of his division's headquarters.

Night had fallen but the stars tonight were hidden by a thin cloak of clouds which glowed velvety, dark-grayish by the dim moonlight. The breeze was chilly and the feeling of it caressing his skin was breathtaking. He loved the humid, chilly breeze of the night compared to the dry, bright atmosphere of the day. It was refreshing and eased the whirling thoughts of his.

Toushirou rubbed his frowning forehead letting a sigh as he rethought of Matsumoto's casual grin on her face, the liveliness that was always one of the characteristic that made her the center of everyone's attention, and her childish way of facing things and goofing around with everyone. Right after she had declined the Captain's seat in 3rd Division she was back to her old good self again…

And he felt indeed relief that she hadn't listened to him, and to everyone and become another division's captain.

"_I will always watch over your back, Hitsugaya-taicho!"_ she had told him at the front yard of 10th Division and made him so nervous, so filled with uncontrollable thoughts and agitation.

He was always admired _and_ despised for his ability to stay calm, self-controlled under any kind of situation, even when people were laughing at him, of his hair, of his look, of his age, of his lack of sense of humour and still he was a captain. And here he was now, alone, on the rooftop staring at the night over Seireitei having thoughts of his lieutenant as if…

Toushirou shook his head angry with himself for letting his thoughts go this way and leaned his palms on the brownish red slates and let his head fall backwards so that all he could see was the sky.

Matsumoto…

How did this all begin… and _why_…

It was definitely not the first time he was so worried about her, and surely it was not the first time he had noticed the attractiveness and the unique, female air she radiated. It was like her scent was captivating everyone around her, men and women, and he couldn't be an exception. The only exception was that he had learnt to deal with it. After so many years working and living under the same roof with her, he had learnt not to mix any personal affairs with work. His lieutenant was strong, reliable, trust-worthy and tactful when she had to.

He had taught his eyes to see this and this only, and beside that she was just an attractive woman with virtues many women envied and all men desired. That was all…

Matsumoto was his _working partner_…

And now, now of all times, it was not her female virtues of her body that attracted him, or her provoking way of dressing, or her free-spirited manners and her attempts to show off all the time… for the first time she revealed to him hidden parts of herself; a more serious one, a more sensitive one, a side of her that was still hurt from a past he had only some blurry clues of.

Today, on that mountain when he had asked her so rudely if it was Ichimaru Gin who kept her from moving forward as a Shinigami he had seen the impact of mentioning that man's name on her. The pain and the deep sorrow in her eyes and the tension that built up on the muscles of her neck.

Matsumoto was always there to cheer up everyone else, and one would think it was just her way of having fun; alongside other people… but it seemed that all she did was enlighten everyone else's mood, while she, on the inside, was falling apart piece by piece.

Toushirou had no idea what Ichimaru Gin meant to Matsumoto, he only knew that they shared a past that extended from their childhood lives in Rukongai, just like his relationship with Hinamori… or this is what he thought it was, until Ichimaru abandoned Soul Society betraying everyone, including Matsumoto.

She cared about him more than anyone… he could see that and it created an uncomfortable heaviness in his chest…

And in the end, he knew nothing about Matsumoto than what he _wanted _to see; just his lieutenant and the Shinigami who had convinced him years ago to follow her up in Seireitei and discover the road fate hold for him.

Yet her fingertips on his felt so warm, so beautifully soft against his rough ones, and her eyes with such a light blue colour it was hardly distinguishable from the white of her eyes were looking into his as if she was searching for an anchor to help her from being drifted away from her thoughts and worries… and this true revealing of this side of hers when she told him these words…

"_No other place I want to be, Hitsugaya-taicho!"_

He heard her say these words again and again, as if his mind was trying to process some kind of hidden message between the lines. As if she had told him something more than just gratitude that she was working under him, with him…

"Crazy! That's crazy!" he mumbled to himself touching his chin on his bare collarbone.

For a moment he wondered whether he would have been so worried if Matsumoto had accepted the Captain's seat in 3rd Division; if he'd be able to pull this through or if he would have gone mad and run after her begging for her to return back to him… with him…

Toushirou hit his fist on the slates under him angry for thinking such inappropriate things.

_She's crazy… and I'm crazy…_

His eyes searched for his office where some moments ago his lieutenant was celebrating with Hinamori and Ayasegawa, but he noticed that it had been quiet for some time now.

He stood up, feeling tired and his limbs heavier as he jumped down and headed to the office. There was a dim light from the high windows but no voices. They must have left and he caught himself feeling a little disappointed that she wouldn't be here…

As he opened the door he frowned seeing all kinds of colours all around the room; ribbons hanging from the ceiling and the bookcase, balloons all over the floor and the two desks, even on the couch in the middle of the room. There were at least hundred origami all around, from red snakes and cats, to yellow sparrows and cormorants, dogs, bears, elephants, pigs and so many more, all standing around the spacious room creating shadows that moved slightly under the oil lamps.

Toushirou couldn't help a chuckle seeing a big, coloured sign hanging over Matsumoto's desk with big arrows pointing down at her desk reading _Welcome back. _He walked closer to see her handwriting at the corner of the sign saying _The most beautiful Lieutenant in entire Soul Society._

Toushirou smirked with that woman's vanity. He turned around to see a similar sign over his desk, but instead of arrows there were flowers, hearts and a sketch of a blue dragon surrounding the parchment. He clicked his tongue with this childish display he witnessed in his office.

He walked closer and tried to make out the scribbling on the corners of this sign. It said _the cutest Captain in Soul Society_, and _the shortest Captain in Soul Society…_

"Huh?" he reread it, but it was not Matsumoto's handwriting.

"Who the hell wrote that?" he growled in an undertone. And there was also a _Shiro-chan _in a heart.

Toushirou grunted annoyingly knowing that only one person dared call him this way…

"That was definitely Matsumoto's idea…" Toushirou muttered gritting his teeth and walked out determined to find her.

But she was nowhere to be seen and, as he was standing at the veranda that linked all the private rooms of the 10th Division he noticed that the entire building was empty. There was not a single soul here… it was dead silence.

Toushirou furrowed his white eyebrows scratching his chin with his forefinger. He couldn't recall giving his men the night off… so where was everybody…

He looked around and headed towards the gate of 10th Division and not even the guards were there…

"I'll kill them, one by one!" Toushirou growled clenching his fists.

He suddenly heard heavy footsteps approaching and panting. He glanced towards the dark street in front of the gate to find Kagetora running towards him, but when their eyes met the man froze in his tracks.

Toushirou didn't hide his anger and walked towards the 5th seated Shinigami of his division. His long ponytail looked a mess and his cheekbones had a slight blush.

Kagetora looked terrified as he straightened up in front of his captain.

"Kagetora! What the hell is going on here? Where is everybody?" Toushirou growled in a whisper.

Kagetora shivered avoiding Toushirou's glare.

"Ehm, Captain! Y-you haven't heard?" he stuttered.

"Heard _what_?"

"Ab-bout the party!"

"_What party_?"

"Kyoraku-taicho's party, sir!"

Toushirou crossed his arms and chewed on his lower lip.

"That man again!" he muttered. "So, everybody's there I presume!"

"You mean Matsumoto-fukutaicho? Yes, she is!" Kagetora replied with a frown.

Toushirou's eyebrow twitched and he grunted irritated beyond limits.

"W-would you like to come? Everybody's there! Even Soifon-taicho was persuaded to come! It's great, captain!" Kagetora said with a nervous grin and the blush over his face became deeper.

He smelled of sake…

Toushirou gave him a killer glance.

"You left this Division unattended! This is unheard of and-!"

"Captain! Please, for one time you could have some fun too! Besides half of the divisions at the moment are empty. Everyone's at Kyoraku-taicho's, so chill out and celebrate you stopping the threat of the _unforgotten _souls!" Kagetora said pointing on the _unforgotten _word. "Matsumoto-san insisted we call them this way instead of _trash_ souls. It's more appropriate and respectful she said!"

Toushirou raised an eyebrow.

"Did she!" he stated becoming hotter with the frustration of having such irresponsible men.

"Oh yes, and she's even debating on it with Kurotsuchi-taicho right now. They sounded pretty intense the both of them!" Kagetora said rubbing his jaw thoughtful.

Toushirou remembered Kurotsuchi on the Soukyoku hill claiming that he wanted to ensure their reports of their last mission in the Human world, saying that all he wanted was to investigate. And then he had looked at Matsumoto with a great burning interest in his golden eyes, as if he's next target would be his lieutenant…

Toushirou shivered with the thought; a highly excited, weird Kurotsuchi with a drunken, loose Matsumoto…

"Let's go!" Toushirou called and he fled towards the 8th Division's headquarters, while Kagetora was still too surprised with his captain's reaction to catch up with him…

…

"You see, you got it all wrong!" I sighed deeply and leaned my elbows over my slightly lifted knees sipping some sake from a small clay cup. I closed my eyes for a moment, forgetting my present conversation with Kurotsuchi-taicho and Tsubokura Rin, a boy with shoulder-length, brown hair and a small ponytail over his forehead, feeling the intense flavor of the liquid on my tongue and then flood my insides like an energy potion.

My thoughts became slightly blurry as I let myself enjoy this one moment of utter peace and satisfaction.

When I opened my eyes again I saw a wide-eyed Rin staring at me with slightly parted lips. His nose was slightly red, while a stain of crème was on the right corner of his mouth. Tsubokura Rin worked as a researcher under Kurotsuchi-taicho's division, and was giving me right now a very interesting opinion of his about the _unforgotten _souls.

Since not many interesting things take place in Soul Society, we all cling on the tiniest little details and analyze every single piece of whatever new we find out. And if I'd have to name the king of the people who break everything into the smallest particles to find out the secret of life and existence the way things are, that would be Rin's captain…

The latter had taken off this ridiculous white hat of his with two ends that point to the right, revealing oily, blue hair which came in contrast with his black painted face. His golden eyes were literally piercing through me, but the amount of sake flowing through my veins right now was enough to make me go unnoticed of this rudeness of his.

Besides, Kurotsuchi-taicho was the last person in Souls Society who'd stare at me _this_ way…

Hmm, after Hitsugaya-taicho of course…

"Did you find my _bankai _impressive, Kurotsuchi-taicho?" I asked simply looking up at him as I leaned over my crossed legs slightly.

The 12th Division's captain narrowed his eyes slightly as if he was trying to find the true meaning of this question of mine. I sighed as I didn't get an answer…

And here I was, in Kyoraku-san's division, in this beautiful room with tatami on the floor and candles and snacks and so much sake I could drink for the next two years, accompanied by the least likable captain of Gotei 13 talking about _business_…

"Impressiveness has nothing to do with effect! Your _bankai_, as you claim, burnt down the trash souls and-!"

"Not trash souls; _unforgotten souls_!" I corrected him calmly for the hundredth time. Rin next to him flickered.

"They just vanished into thin air!" Kurotsuchi-taicho went on, not hearing my comment. He lowered his head slightly, his eyes always on mine. "Things don't _vanish_ into thin air, Rangiku-san!" his voice sounded deeper than usual, as if all I told him was a lie.

He had insisted that some things didn't match up with our reports from our mission in the Human world and so tried to enlighten the _mystery_, as he said.

I sighed. Again. Glancing at Madarame, Kyoraku-san and Iba Tetsuzaemon, a big, muscular man with short-cut black hair and dark sunglasses who used to be a colleague of mine back in the Shinigami Academy and now was 7th Division's lieutenant, talking loudly and laughing hard about the characteristics that made the perfect woman. I felt jealous that I couldn't participate and was instead stuck here with two nerdy researchers who thought that science was the religion of the present… or something like that…

I didn't give a shit…

I wanted to drink and laugh and gossip and just forget about everyday's routine.

"Look, Kurotsuchi-taicho. I know things don't _vanish_ and that they just _recycle_…" I said rather harshly, remembering the same words Hitsugaya-taicho had told me back when we had traveled through this big portal in the middle of Karakura town where the disaster had taken place some days ago. "… but that was the problem to begin with! Ah, we've talked about this a thousand times so let's just leave it here, ok?" I sighed again sipping my filled up small cup. I lifted my eyebrows trying to find out what good soul filled my cup.

"Exactly! And now stop this idiocy of yours and listen to me!" Kurotsuchi-taicho said strictly grabbing my cup as I was about to sip, and I glared at him irritated.

"Hey!"

"These souls, which were broken pieces of the ones that die, here, in the Human world and everywhere else, gathered there. Then _you_ went there and destroyed them." I frowned with the way his voice sounded as if he was now accusing me of killing the unforgotten souls. And besides I didn't _kill _them, I set them free, they became particles of spiritual energy instead of pieces which still must have had some kind of consciousness and awareness of themselves. This had to be the reason they still lingered there, trying to feed from other souls from other dimensions…

I had told Kurotsuchi-taicho that, but he still had new questions and more comments.

He placed the sake he had taken from my hands beside him, and I followed him with my eyes, feeling the intense need of its taste on my lips and my tongue…

"I want your Zanpakuto!"

Rin widened his eyes with terror, while I looked at the black faced captain with an insulted frown.

"What?" I gapped straightening up my back.

"I need to process it and find out about the way your _bankai _works to see how you destroyed the trash souls!"

"They are _not_ trash souls, but _unforgotten s_ouls! And no way I'm giving you my Zanpakuto!" I growled feeling my skin warm up dangerously.

Kurotsuchi grinned as if he had awaited this reaction of mine and a chuckle filled with irony clang making me clench my fists. I felt the handle of my Zanpakuto brushing my wrist and a wave of terror crossed my thoughts wondering what he could do to Haineko…

"What a pity…" Kurotsuchi-taicho commented looking away and he sipped the sake from my cup in one swallow. I frowned, and Rin beside him gapped with surprise.

Then his golden eyes fell on mine again and for a moment everything around me disappeared, as if all there was were those two eyes, shadowed by blue strands and with irises so golden they looked inhumane…

I felt the air thinner and my heart was beating faster as it seemed that he was getting closer and closer to me, threatening to take Haineko away from me. My hand found my Zanpakuto's handle grabbing it desperately and sweat tickled my temples. My frown grew deeper as I fought to keep calm under this glare of his, but… I felt suddenly so weak… and the grip around my Zanpakuto loosened and the fear grew inside my chest…

"Kurotsuchi!"

I snapped out of this illusion as suddenly those captivating golden eyes were hidden behind a familiar sign; my division's number inside a black rhombus…

Hitsugaya-taicho had appeared out of nowhere blocking my view of Kurotsuchi-taicho's eyes with his back towards me. I gapped and crawled backwards, to find my white-haired captain staring at the black faced captain. I could feel some great tension forming between them, making the air move between them, as if their _reiatsu_ was reflecting one another.

"Captain!" I called for him nervously.

I noticed Kurotsuchi-taicho standing up keeping his eyes on Hitsugaya-taicho.

"Human souls, ha!" the 12th Division's captain muttered not hiding his frustration and left, making his long, white haori dance around him as he turned around.

The relief that welled my insides was indescribable. I sighed and leaned backwards craving for something to ease this sudden burst of terror and threat.

My fingers brushed my blade's handle and it felt so familiar as if I had brushed them through my hair.

"Matsumoto! What was that?" Hitsugaya-taicho looked at me over his shoulder with a deep, concerned frown. I noticed this worry in his eyes like the one he had revealed to me that moment at the Human world when I had felt the same pain and uneasiness of my Zanpakuto's soul just like he had…

I smiled at him as confidently as possible shoving some annoying strands from my shoulders.

"Oh, just a little quarrel! You see, too much sake pouring here!" I said and stood up to find myself a new, clean cup for my sake.

As I straightened my back, for a moment, my head felt way heavier than the rest of my body and I lost my balance for a second, but I felt firm hands pushing my waist and I glanced down at my captain keeping me from falling over.

He gave me this usual killer glance of his and I grinned innocently.

"What would I do without you, captain?" I laughed heading towards the table at the middle of the room where all the sake bottles were standing, like a shrine dedicated to the inventor of sake…

I beamed at that beautiful view, the scent reaching my nostrils like a deathly perfume and the taste tickling my esophagus with a killing intent as my eyes lingered long on the dark glass bottles with the dim, golden light of the candles reflecting on the smooth, dark green and dark brown glass bottles creating images beyond imagination.

"Matsumoto! What did that jerk want?" I flinched slightly realizing that my captain had followed me.

I furrowed my eyebrows feeling a little annoyed he had showed up. Well, I didn't mind him saving me from whatever that crazy scientist was about to do to me, but he never came to the parties, so why was this an exception… he would just keep me from having fun and get in the way of this beautiful night…

"I really hate that guy!" he muttered crossing his arms on his chest.

I glanced at him.

"Who doesn't?" I mumbled and grabbed the biggest bottle of sake from the low table.

"Well, what did he want from you?"

I trailed my fingers on the cold glassy bottle and observed the liquid inside swirling as I moved it in my hands. My heart sank with the terror of losing Haineko that had threatened me only a minute ago… those golden eyes… this strange heaviness… as if my life was on the line… as if my soul was about to be torn to a million pieces…

"He wanted me to give him my Zanpakuto…" I told him in a whisper.

Hitsugaya-taicho's arms fell on his sides as he frowned deeper.

"Your Zanpakuto?"

"Hm!" I nodded and grinned at him. "But he's gone now!"

"Don't ever give him your Zanpakuto!" he told me. Actually it sounded more like an order and I thought it sounded funny, since I had persuaded myself to not think of my work for a single moment tonight.

"Aye, Captain! I never intended to anyways, so…!" I turned around and took two small clay cups from a nearby table somebody had left there and I kneeled on the floor pouring sake in both of them. "… let's forget about everything annoying, depressing, and work-related and have some fun, shall we?" I grinned and offered Hitsugaya-taicho a sake-filled cup.

He hesitated and his eyes met mine looking all serious and thoughtful. I felt my grin fade away as I felt drawn again by a pair of eyes, but this time there was neither threat nor fear, instead there was surprise, and calm and a mysterious tickling in my insides. As I was holding my hand high with the cup, he grabbed it and a chill rushed down my spine as his fingers didn't grab the cup but instead first brushed mine softly…

What was going on…

Why couldn't I look away from these emerald eyes with this glance of teal around the pupils and that frown that revealed no frustration, or annoyance, or coldness, but anxiety, uneasiness and so many emotions piled up together…

"Thank you!" he muttered and looked away making me feel as if I had just fallen flat on my face.

I chuckled not knowing why really, but it just helped me come back to earth…

What was it with illusions today…

I took my own cup of sake and swallowed it all at once and then poured more in it.

When I stood up I noticed Hitsugaya-taicho bringing the cup close to his nose and sniffing it as if checking if it was dangerous or not. I had never seen my captain drink alcohol, let alone sake… he always scolded me for drinking too much of it…

"Drink up, captain! No one will realize. They all have already reached the next level!" I joked and pointed at Kyoraku-san with Ikkaku, Tetsuzaemon, and even Ayasegawa and Yachiru were there with them laughing and giggling like a bunch of old hags gossiping. All of their faces were decorated with a vivid blush and their eyes sparkled under the candles' light.

Kyoraku-san had even taken off his straw hat and his pink kimono with the flowery pattern, while Ikkaku beside him was naked above his waist making faces and Kusajishi Yachiru, the small, pink-haired lieutenant of the 11th Division under Zaraki Kenpachi, was bouncing around them picking on each one of them calling them weird, inappropriate names, I wondered how a little girl like her were allowed to say.

"Next level you call it?" Hitsugaya-taicho wondered lifting an eyebrow.

"Yap!" I said and patted his shoulder, feeling suddenly weird for touching him, as if an electric wave rushed through my palm and I drew it away nervously.

And then they all turned around to look at us; Kyoraku-san, Ikkaku, Ayasegawa, Tetsuzaemon and Yachiru.

"Shiro-chan! Big-Booby-chan! Come, come!" Yachiru called us with her high-pitched voice and the fifty at least Shinigami gathered here turned to look at us, since everybody could easily tell us from these two nicknames.

"That little brat!" Hitsugaya-taicho and I growled in a whisper in unison.

We walked towards them and Yachiru jumped high to land on my shoulder. She was so light I barely felt her hanging over me, but I could feel her big eyes piercing through my bosom and she touched it as if trying to determine if they were real or not…

You see, little Yachiru-chan insisted my boobs were _fake_…

"Hey everyone! Look who came!" I pointed at my captain and tried to push Yachiru off of me discreetly.

"Hey! Hitsugaya-taicho!" Ikakku called rising his cup in the air and drinking in a gulp. He smiled widely and a glance crossed his eyes as he saw the big bottle in my hands.

"Matsumoto, give me that!"

I frowned and held the bottle closer to me.

"Pff! Go get your own, _bulb_!"

Ikkaku's right eyebrow twitched and a sparkle appeared on his perfectly smooth skin of his skull.

"_What_?" he slammed his fists on the low table causing some of the cups to fall and pour sake all around.

"Now look what you did!" Ayasegawa muttered leaning on the wall behind him as if all this was too boring to participate.

"Keep your temper, you! Sake costs money!" Kyoraku-san scolded him slapping his fist.

Ikkaku shot him a killer glance with a grunt.

"That was rude!" he muttered making a face.

"Rude is to waste all this good sake! So keep your mouth shut unless you have something good to say!" Kyoraku said harshly but then he grinned and Ikkaku grinned back as if nothing had happened. They laughed hard and hit their cups with sake together.

I glanced at my captain who was frowning even deeper as he observed the two respectful Shinigami turning into two goofies.

"That's the next level I'm talking about!" I whispered to him and laughed.

Yachiru was still hanging over me and when she was done touching my boobs she jumped down making not a single sound and walked towards Kyoraku and Tetsuzaemon.

"They're real!" she told them happily as if she had made the discovery of the year.

I had only let Yachiru touch me because she was a girl, and she seemed to like touching them claiming they were very soft and round, and, well, I just couldn't resist to those compliments of hers…

I chuckled and then I noticed the two men staring at my bosom.

"We knew that, Yachiru-chan! These _are _as real as they can be!" Kyoraku-san said and he winked at me.

I shook my head boringly.

"Ah! Hitsugaya-kun!" I heard a scream and I found suddenly my captain flat on the ground with a blushing Hinamori on top of him.

I chuckled noticing that frown of irritation on his face, the same he gave every time I attempted to show him my kind of affection.

"I never thought you'd come! Kagetora-kun told me! Come, he's mimicking all the captains! It's very funny!" she said with a beaming smile.

So… Hinamori liked sake as well…

I smiled reading all over her face what she really intended to do with my captain…

…

Wait… _what…_

"And it's supposed to be funny?" Hitsugaya-taicho grunted pushing Hinamori away from him. He stood up straightening his haori, but Hinamori grabbed his wrist and took him away from me.

"Oh, don't be such a baby! It's very hilarious!" Hinamori and she guided him to the other end of the room where I saw Kagetora mimicking Kurotsuchi-taicho having painted his face clumsily black and swinging his blade, in its sheath, in the air.

"Matsumoto-san, don't stand around like this! It makes me sad you don't want our company!" Kyoraku snapped me out and I looked down at them and joined them. But my eyes searched for my white-haired captain once more, seeing how Hinamori was still holding his wrist in both her hands.

Something blocked my airway with the scene and I drank a large gulp of sake hoping it would go away…

…

"Oi! Captain! Tell me next which one should I mimic?" Kagetora asked all hyper and energetic with a crowd sitting on the tatami all around him laughing and drinking without stopping even to breath. In the crowd he even noticed Soifon, the 2nd's Division's Captain and Commander-in-chief of the Secret Mobile Corps, a small woman with jaw-length black hair sitting alongside Ise Nanao, Kyoraku's lieutenant, two usually very serious and calm women, now giggling and whispering into each other's ear with their faces slightly blushed.

Toushirou shook his head witnessing how the entire Seireitei was falling apart thanks to an evil drink called sake…

"Captain!" Kagetora called again.

Toushirou glared at his officer and pressed his lips together.

"Kyoraku!" Toushirou said the first name whose face he really wanted to punch at the moment. But then he noticed real Kurotsuchi walking at the veranda with the corners of his eyes and his blood started to boil.

Why did this man want Matsumoto's Zanpakuto…

"Hitsugaya-kun! What's the matter?" Hinamori asked him sounding worried.

Toushirou glanced at her and walked slowly away not losing Kurotsuchi from his sight. He walked outside towards the veranda in the chilly night and noticed Kurotsuchi talking with the 5th Division's captain, Aizen Sousuke, a tall man with dark brown hair and thick, black glasses. He was Hinamori's captain, someone she had looked up to ever since she entered the Shinigami academy.

"What is it?" she asked him softly.

"Nothing!" Toushirou replied and leaned on the wooden banister searching for these long, dark golden hair of a specific someone…

"You look worried, I can tell!" Hinamori insisted and leaned beside him and he noticed the slight blush on her round cheeks.

"Since when do you drink sake?" he asked not really wanting to talk with Hinamori about all the matters that flooded his mind.

Hinamori chuckled and shoved a dark strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Just for tonight. It is _your _welcome party after all!" she smiled brightly and her forearm brushed his slightly.

Toushirou furrowed his eyebrows feeling something blocking his airway. He crossed his arms and shifted his weight on his other leg trying to move discreetly away from Hinamori by doing so.

"It seems there'll be one at my division as well." He said remembering the ridiculous signs in his office.

Hinamori chuckled.

"Oh you saw that! Well, it was Matsumoto-san's idea!"

"I noticed!"

"I helped too!"

"I noticed that too!"

"You did?" Hinamori came in front of him and leaned slightly towards him. Her face was too close to his evading his personal space and he swallowed hardly.

"Yeah…"

"How come?" she asked smiling and hiding her hands behind her back.

Toushirou leaned even more backwards feeling the banister pressed against his waist. His Zanpakuto was now glued on his body as well and it was rather uncomfortable.

"Well… you're the only one who would call me Shiro!" he said and hoped she'd back away some time, but instead she seemed to lean closer and closer. "And Yachiru…"

"Yeah, it suits you! And I guess- "

"That I like it?" Toushirou tried to fasten up the so-called conversation they had desperately. But instead of being insulted, Hinamori smiled even wider and she raised her hand to touch his forearm, as his hands were holding tight on the banister ready to crack it. Toushirou shook his head a little more intense than what he intended and his neck hurt. "I don't! It's… a name for a dog or something!"

"You think so? I think it's cute!"

"I don't!" Toushirou said harshly shaking his head again.

"Hitsugaya-kun!" Hinamori's voice sounded slightly deeper than usual and that scared Toushirou like anything. Her face got serious and her dark brown eyes were sparkling a little more than usual.

"You had more sake than what you can stand, Hinamori!" Toushirou scolded her.

Her cheeks blushed a deeper red and Toushirou knew things would get too risky, so he jumped up and landed with his feet on the banister he had been grabbing on a second ago and glanced down at a shocked Hinamori.

"I suggest you go home, Hinamori!" he told her strictly and walked away feeling fed up with everyone for loosing so easily their control because of this evil liquid.

He walked back inside the room, where the scent of sake was so intense it burnt his nostrils and everyone was red all over their faces. Some were already sleeping on the floor, others were giggling neurotically, others shouting and swearing. It was a side of his colleagues he never wanted to see and he hoped Matsumoto wouldn't have ridiculed herself in front of everyone…

Toushirou searched for her finding her sitting on the tatami with many more Shinigami, like Kyoraku, Madarame, Ayasegawa, Kenpachi, Ise Nanao, Soifon, Hisagi Shuhei and Abarai Renji.

Iba Tetsuzaemon, lieutenant of the 7th Division was lying on the floor snoring loudly while Yachiru, 11th Division's lieutenant was picking on his nose putting different snacks in them.

"Oh, Toushirou!" Kyoraku called out being the first to notice him.

Toushirou frowned annoyed, but kept the insults he wanted to shoot to himself.

Kyoraku made a face looking up at him.

"Huh? You're not going to scold me and say _it's Hitsugaya-taicho for you_?" Kyoraku commented.

Toushirou rolled his eyes and sat next to Hisagi Shuhei, 9th Division's lieutenant, a young man with spiky, black hair and dark eyes with matching leather bands around his forearms and neck, while a tattoo with the number 69 was printed on his left cheek and three long scars extended vertically from his forehead down to his jaw. He glanced at Toushirou with a grin.

"Hey!"

Toushirou simply nodded.

"… and there'd be a pool with palms and everyone would be allowed to wear only swimsuits!" Ikkaku said loudly with a bright grin.

"Or nothing!" Kyoraku added lifting an eyebrow.

Ikkaku laughed as the two men shared the same perverted thought. Toushirou clicked his tongue and grabbed a dango from the table in front of him. They were covered in too much syrup, but he had to occupy himself with something so he ate it.

There was no way he'd drink the only liquid that seemed to exist in this building…

"Men!" Soifon commented narrowing her eyes at the grimace Kyoraku made to her.

"You just couldn't live without us!" he said simply and raised his cup in the air.

"Oh please!" Matsumoto said with a chuckle.

Toushirou leaned backwards to spot his lieutenant sitting next to Ayasegawa, leaning by the wall, her legs crossed and her dark pink sash resting only on one of her shoulders. Her cheeks were redder and her smile seemed to be permanent now on her face.

"Don't think too highly of yourselves! Don't say so simply that we could never live without men, because men could never, ever live without women! Am I right Soifon?" Matsumoto turned to Soifon blinking an eye at the 2nd Division's captain.

"Damn right!" Soifon agreed and sipped her sake.

"Without us you'd-"

"Don't say that _without us there'd be no you_ shit!" Ikkaku muttered boringly.

Toushirou looked back at Matsumoto noticing a mischievous smile on her face.

"Without us your eyes would be gazing into the wide meadows and the vast skies. You'd be beings with no interest in life, you'd study nature and its beings, you'd even study each other to fulfill those needs of yours…" Matsumoto rubbed her collarbone lowering her eyes for a moment as if she wanted to build this tension between the men. The golden chain hidden in her cleavage moved slightly, and Toushirou caught himself searching for the other end. "I bet you'd regret it living without women after less than a minute!" Matsumoto glanced at Ikkaku and pointed her finger at him moving it in circles.

"Imagine yourself locked in this room with a bottle of water, _no _sake, and Kyoraku-san, Yamamoto-sotaicho and Kenpachi-taicho… what would you do?"

There was something very uncomfortable in Matsumoto's voice, something he had never heard again. As if she had a greater and eviler purpose behind her every word, her every movement. As if she was bringing out her point not only by her sayings but with her body language as well… and that made Toushirou uncomfortable…

Ikkaku grinned simply brushing his hand over his bare skull.

"Fight!" he said excitedly.

"And then?" Matsumoto asked.

"Fight the next one!" he replied.

"You're really confident there, boy!" Kyoraku commented.

"And, if we suppose you win Kyoraku-san, Yamamoto-sotaicho _and _Kenpachi-taicho, how will you celebrate this victory of yours?"

Toushirou noticed the deep frown on Ikkaku's face as he was staring at Matsumoto.

There was silence and Matsumoto smirked satisfied having known the answer from the very beginning and sipped nonchalantly her sake. Toushirou noticed how she shut her eyes as she licked the invisible liquid from her fleshy lips and how her Adam's apple moved as she swallowed it pleasantly. Toushirou swallowed as well and his mouth felt dry…

"Don't talk nonsense if you haven't thought things through, Madarame-kun!" she said with a serious tone and then her eyes traveled to Soifon. Soifon chuckled.

Toushirou couldn't fight a hint of a grin with the way Matsumoto had dealt with it. It was not the first time he witnessed her advanced ability of diplomacy, but it was always interesting to see her victims' faces after that. And Ikkaku did seem a bit out of place that moment. Maybe it was the scent of sake, maybe it were Matsumoto's words, he couldn't tell for sure, but he felt suddenly proud she was his lieutenant…

Suddenly everyone looked towards one spot, behind Toushirou. He turned around as well to find the little pink-haired Yachiru standing there with a wide smile on her face. She had her hands behind her back and was swinging playfully.

"Here is a test; what do you think Matsumoto-chan's breast periphery is?" Yachiru asked.

All eyes fell on Matsumoto's bosom, all trying to measure her by simply staring.

Matsumoto grinned covering herself with her arm while she waved the other.

"Oh come on! You'll never find it!" she said acting shy.

Toushirou rolled his eyes with a sigh and swallowed the last dango ball. He needed something to drink. Immediately. But as he looked around him he only saw bottles of sake…

He grunted annoyed.

"What's the price?" Tetsuzaemon had woken up, his nostrils filled with candies of all kinds and Toushirou wondered for a brief moment how big they could be…

"That last bottle of sake and a box of ice cream!"

"What?" Toushirou shot staring at Yachiru. His mouth was dry and the atmosphere in here had become rather warm, so ice cream was all he needed right now… but then he remembered the question…

"Then I shall reveal it and take the bottle, thank you very much!" Matsumoto stood up, but her legs were too shaky so she fell back down with a wide grin on her face. "Haha, clumsy me!" she frowned and looked at Yachiru. "Where is it? The last bottle!"

Yachiru revealed a big bottle of dark green glass filled with an invisible drink and she held it up on her head.

Hisagi jumped up and tried to grab it from Yachiru but she easily dodged and kept it out of reach.

The little girl giggled and faced the crowd.

"So? Anyone except Big-Booby-chan who knows? You only have one chance! The closest number wins!" she announced happily.

Toushirou shifted slightly to face Yachiru.

"Is there really ice cream?" he asked in an undertone.

Yachiru nodded cheerfully.

"Yap! Chocolate and crème with biscuits!" she said the magic words and Toushirou pressed his lips together, forcing himself to remember where he was, with whom and what the question was. Maybe he could just find out where the ice cream was and steal it… or he could whisper the answer to Yachiru and persuade her to keep it a secret from everyone else that he had participated in this idiocy…

He grunted leaning his palms on his knees with his legs crossed. When he lifted his eyes he met Matsumoto's and his heart flattered making him flinch slightly.

"That's crazy!" he muttered to himself.

Everyone started to mutter and guess numbers under their breath, while their eyes were glued on Matsumoto. Toushirou noticed Hisagi next to him lean closer to the table to examine Matsumoto's size with a deep frown.

Toushirou wanted to laugh at everyone, but he wanted that ice cream so desperately… maybe he could tell a number and, since no one seemed to be sober at the moment except himself, and probably Yachiru, no one would remember anything the next day…

But still… Matsumoto was present and she seemed to be perfectly fine with the exception of her shaky legs.

Toushirou grunted again brushing his fingers through his hair.

"Hey, Hitsugaya-taicho!" Toushirou flinched with Hisagi's whisper that caused him the goosebumps.

"What is it?" he growled.

"Since you're the one living with her, and seeing her more often than anyone, what do you say her size is?" he asked looking as if he was taking this very seriously.

Toushirou shook his head helplessly.

"Can't you think by yourself?"

Hisagi frowned looking back at Matsumoto who was sipping her sake calmly, always shutting her eyes after every sip, licking her lips and swallowing the liquid as if it was the last thing she would do…

Toushirou looked away and turned back to Hisagi as an idea struck him …

…

"Two hundred centimeters!" Ikkaku muttered beside me, leaning close to Awaysegawa-kun and Kyoraku-san.

I rolled my eyes listening to their helpless attempts of calculating my breasts' periphery… pathetic…

I sighed and turned to look at my captain talking in whispers with Hisagi and I wondered whether he had fallen on the same level as everyone else. If he'd participate in this stupidity as well…

No… my captain was not like the rest. He hadn't touched a single drop of sake and didn't talk back to anyone when they commented on him being here in the first place. It was like he had to deal with a bunch of spoiled brats… and now that I look around that's what we actually all look like.

I chuckled noticing Hidetoshi at the other end of the room unconscious on the floor in a very uncomfortable position holding a futon tight in his hands. It was a funny scene, and I'd surely blackmail him the next day…

"What about 178?" Ikkaku suggested again.

Ayasegawa sighed deeply.

"What is she? An elephant?"

I flinched with that comment and Kyoraku and Ayasegawa noticed and they grinned apologetically.

"Hn!" I grunted and looked back at Hitsugaya-taicho to find him smiling happily. I had to blink sometimes to make sure of what I was seeing; Hitsugaya-taicho grinning… and there was a hint of mischief or was I imagining it…

I frowned and observed a bit closer to the two men's behavior. Hisagi was saying something I couldn't hear and Hitsugaya-taicho nodded. Then Hisagi chuckled and Hitsugaya-taicho and he slapped their palms and I spit my sake.

What was that…

Hitsugaya-taicho would participate…

"Oh no! Not him too!" I mumbled and our eyes met and I flinched looking away at once.

That was it… the last man who I thought respected me, the one who had appeared out of the blue to save me from that weird Kurotsuchi-taicho, the one who had smiled a discreet smile of pride right after I had performed my _bankai_, the one who would always pull away when I'd hug him or would act serious and cold when I'd make a joke or act a little more casual than needed, was now plotting against me, taking part in this ridiculous and embarrassing test. Was he doing it for the ice cream Yachiru-chan was offering as part of the present or did he do it to…

Could he really know my size…

I scratched the back of my neck and lowered my chin looking back at him hesitantly.

He was looking towards the veranda with a calm, serious expression…

I sighed not understanding what was going on…

"So, I've got the first number from Tomboy-chan!" Yachiru said loudly swinging her arms in the air to draw everyone's attention. Soifon gave the pink-haired lieutenant a killer glance with the nickname the girl had chosen. "105 centimeters!"

I raised my eyebrows and glanced at Soifon-taicho whose eyes were glued on the sake bottle. This was so unfair, because this test included everyone but me…

"Ehm , Big-Booby-chan, come here please!" Yachiru called me looking serious.

I stretched my arms over my head tired with all those piercing stares.

"If you want something from me, come here!" I muttered and in a second, Yachiru was beside me leaning over me as she cupped her mouth.

"What's your real size?" she whispered so that I barely heard her.

I chuckled and turned to whisper my true size in her ear.

Yachiru grinned and jumped back on the other side of the low table.

I touched the handle of my Zanpakuto, something I had been doing ever since that incident with Kurotsuchi-taicho had occured, as if he'd sneak from behind and take it secretly using some kind of his secret techniques…

"So, Bulb-kun?"

Ikkaku turned to Yachiru with an insulted frown.

"What did you call me?"

"What is your number, Cue-Ball-kun?"

Ikkaku turned red in frustration, but Ayasegawa grabbed his shoulder keeping him from standing up.

"Hn!" he grunted and glanced for assurance at Kyoraku and Ayasegawa. They both nodded.

"143!"

I clicked my tongue with this rather exaggerated number they chose… three men unable to calculate my size… as if it was the first time they were seeing it…

I chuckled and all three turned to look at me.

"What? Is it wrong?" Ikkaku asked desperately.

"Completely!" Yachiru laughed.

"Wait! I said 143? Ha, it's, ehm, 153!" Ikkaku tried to save it nervously. Ayasegawa slapped him on the back of his head with an annoyed frown.

"No more chances for you!"

"But we're three! So we have three chances, right?" Ikkaku said standing up.

Yachiru bounced on her tracks and looked down at Kyoraku. He rubbed his chin looking thoughtful for a moment.

"130!"

"Nope!"

Kyoraku-san sighed and shrugged.

"124!" Ayasegawa said simply crossing his arms.

"Nope! Wrong!" Yachiru said happily. And she went on with the same answer as she asked everyone. And then, causing me to hold my breath she approached Hisagi and Hitsugaya-taicho.

My captain was chewing on another dango he had found looking as if this was the only interesting thing in this room.

"So?"

Hisagi grinned widely.

"110 centimeters!" he replied and I gapped.

Yachiru smiled widely and looked down at Hitsugaya-taicho. He didn't lift his eyes as he replied before Yachiru said anything.

"Don't you dare asking me." He stated and continued eating his dango pleasantly.

"Ken-chan! What's your answer?" Yachiru shouted with her annoying, high-pitched voice at Kenpachi, her captain, who seemed to be taking a nap leaning on the wall, his head on his one shoulder. He flinched hearing his name.

"Huh?"

"Hey, was I right? Did I get it?" Hisagi asked impatiently.

Yachiru patted the top of his head.

"That depends on Ken-chan's answer!" she said simply and grinned at her captain.

"234!" Kenpachi replied and I had to look at him in shock.

"Really?" I asked insulted.

He barely turned his eyes to look at me.

"The bigger the better!" he said with his hoarse voice and he closed his eyes falling asleep at once.

"Wrong! Sixty-nine-chan won the last bottle of sake and the ice cream!" Yachiru announced and offered the big bottle to Hisagi. He hoorayed and patted Hitsugaya-taicho's back.

I shook my head with a smile.

Ikkaku and Kyoraku complained about the sake and accused Yachiru of her stupid rules, but I saw the grin on my captain's face as Hisagi offered to pour him some sake but he shook his head declining it.

Well, well…

I had to find out what this was about…

This was so _not _ Hitsugaya-taicho…

…

* * *

**oh dear... this has to be the looongest chapter i've ever written... but i just wanted to have all those lovely Shinigami together for once!**

**Probably you've already heard about it, but check out the japanese BLEACH rock musical- it's hilarious!**

**I really hope you enjoyed this! Take care xxx**


	16. Some Wild Imagination

Some wild imagination

I yawned deeply and pulled my pink sash from my shoulders and I hold it in my hand watching how it floated calmly beside me. Dizziness took over me as I kept watching the smooth movements of the cloth and heard Hitsugaya-taicho's and my footsteps echo on the stony ground.

My captain was holding a big box of ice cream putting a mouthful spoon every three seconds in his mouth. With every second step we made he'd swallow so much ice cream it made me wonder how come his mouth hadn't grown numb yet. I clicked my tongue angrily remembering the happy face of Hisagi as he left the 8th Division's buildings with that big bottle of sake waving at us, as if he had left holding the prettiest girl in his hands and we were his buddies left behind with none…

Yeah, it felt like this…

But what troubled me the most was this grin on my captain's face as I found myself quite disappointed that he had participated in this silly test just to get his hands on some ice cream brought straight from the human world.

You see, there's no such thing as ice cream in Soul Society…

And Hitsugaya-taicho is a big fan of anything icy… for an obvious reason…

"By the way, my real size is 112 centimeters!" I muttered feeling all of a sudden the weariness and exhaustion taking over me. I found myself literally dragging my feet while my sash instead of floating was sweeping the ground.

Hitsugaya-taicho glanced at me and I noticed his grin widening for a brief moment before he staffed more ice cream in his mouth.

"Ha! You knew, didn't you?"

"Actually I was thinking it's 111, but I thought I'd be too weird to guess the right size!" he admitted and I laughed pointing at him.

"You did! You knew, you…"

But Hitsugaya-taicho gave me this strict glare that made me stop at my tracks keeping my mouth shut.

"…captain!" I added.

He kept walking having eaten already the half box.

"So, how did you know? Did you peek into my underwear?" I grinned catching up with him, impatiently trying to figure out how he knew when he never _looked_…

He furrowed his brows licking the ice cream from his lips.

"Don't expect me to believe you're simply good with calculating!" I shot rubbing my collarbone. I felt my head rather warm and all I wanted was to drown in hot water and let my thoughts wander…

"When I get to my office tomorrow, I want all these _things_ out, ok?" he said with his captain's tone.

I made a tired face hunching my shoulders. I liked our office's new decoration…

"Pff! No way I'll wake up before you tomorrow! Give me a break!" I said and yawned again. "Hey, let's go the hot springs!"

Hitsugaya-taicho looked at me licking his spoon. I really wanted to wrap my arms around him… I couldn't fight a grin with how cute he looked that very moment…

"Now?"

"Yes, please! I don't want to go to sleep like some old lady! We still have a long night ahead of us!" I said lifting my arms gazing at the night. The cloak of clouds had become thinner and at some points the night sky was revealed with sparkling stars.

"But you're yawning like some old lady!" Hitsugaya-taicho commented slowing down his pace. He frowned and pressed his lips together as he seemed too preoccupied with his ice cream.

I chuckled.

"So you want to go?" I asked playfully.

He didn't look at me as he raised a biscuit with his spoon and put it in his mouth. He chewed on it and walked up at me.

"Let's just go home!" he muttered sounding tired.

"Oh come on! It'll do us good, after all we've been through!" I insisted and I lifted my hair up high wrapping them with my pink sash to keep them in a bun.

I noticed my captain glancing at me and looking away quickly.

"Whatever…" he muttered, his voice deeper than usual, but I didn't really give much attention since I was too happy he finally accepted my offer, so I grabbed his wrist and we headed to the north of Seireitei were the hot springs were. For some reason, I felt this electric wave rushing through me again as I was touching my captain's bare skin, but now I actually liked it. It felt warm and fitted perfectly in my palm.

It felt right… and I needed it now…

…

The clouds were fading slowly away, turning into a thin foggy cloak as the stars started to make their way through them with their dim light. The moon was now hidden behind the mountain, that stood majestically in the middle of Seireitei, hugging it with its silvery light, as if some beast surrounded with a great _reiatsu_ would appear any minute.

The hot springs were small lakes hidden behind a group of hills, willows and pine trees, while the water was emerging from beneath the earth forming small bubbles every once in a while on the surface disrupting the night's silence. It was a deserted place, and for an unknown reason that didn't scare Toushirou at all, although he thought it would the moment Matsumoto had offered him to come here in the middle of the night, just the two of them as though they were…

Toushirou shook his head and left the empty box of ice cream on top of a rock and walked down closer to the nebulous lake with the fog covering it. The night was rather chilly creating tiny waterfalls of droplets on the rocks' rough surface.

Matsumoto followed him and started taking her clothes off.

Toushirou looked away hiding his blush and tried to occupy his mind with something else than the sound of cloth rustling over a body. Then he heard the water and Matsumoto's chuckle which caused him the goose bumps.

"Oh, that's wonderful!" she sighed and he heard her splash in the water.

He looked at her with the corners of his eyes, the fog hiding her from his view. He frowned and sat down on the rocks crossing his legs.

"Won't you come inside?" he heard her ask, though he could only spot her by the ripples on the water. Suddenly he craved for more ice cream…

"It's too warm…" he mumbled, not really knowing why he had lost all his energy or why he was feeling so drowsy. Matsumoto's grip around his wrist was still burning on his skin, and every time he blinked he saw her eyes looking back at his when she had offered him that cup of sake and he had so unintentionally and irresponsibly brushed his fingers on hers as if the two of them were…

"It's good for the headache though!" he heard her say softly so she wouldn't disrupt the beautiful peace. He lied down, folding his arms behind his head like a pillow and stared up at the vast darkness.

And it was beautiful indeed; the chilly night and the warmth radiating from the lake warming up his feet, the sound of the water bubbles and Matsumoto swimming, the sweet flavor of that last biscuit still lingering on the tip of his tongue and the silence…

It was way better than this rampage that was going on in the 8th Division's headquarters. He wondered how some people preferred spending their nights like this; with noisy strangers, that burning scent of alcohol and the stinks of the drunken, the mess and the humility of everyone who reached that _next level_…

He didn't miss these kind of parties…

Suddenly he felt something hot wetting his toes and he flinched noticing Matsumoto's hand dripping warm water on his socks.

She giggled and disappeared behind the rocks to come closer to him.

Toushirou missed a heartbeat noticing how beautiful she looked with her long hair tied up high with that pink sash of hers and how some long strands were glued on her temples with the emitting humidity.

"Where's your mind travelling?" she asked softly bringing her arms on the rock and touching her chin on them to look up at him.

Toushirou couldn't look her in the eye without losing his row of thinking so he lied back down and gazed far away through the thin, dark grey clouds searching for the glances of the stars.

"I think you should take some time off! You know, go some place and sort out those thoughts of yours!" Matsumoto whispered.

Toushirou heard some bug nearby causing the grass to rustle. He swallowed with difficulty being so close to her and moved his wet toes.

"I can sort them here too…" he replied after a silent moment.

Matsumoto chuckled.

"So you _do _have thoughts!"

Toushirou glanced at her, noticing her expanded pupils hiding the light, grayish blue colour of her eyes.

"Who doesn't?"

Matsumoto nodded in agreement and looked down at the water which reflected in her glassy eyes.

If there was a place he'd like to be, he'd choose a snow covered place. Somewhere covered with nothing but ice, just like that dimension Matsumoto and he had entered through that portal in Karakura town. There where the unforgotten souls resided.

He wanted to see the sky in its endless vastness from a high peak, yet he also wanted to see the ocean under his feet frozen, revealing deep cracks and trapped bubbles beneath the solid sheet, and the ice would be so clear you could see so far below where the liquid abyss was moving endlessly. But even in this cold paradise, he would still seek for that soothing warmth of the sun on his skin… a feeling he couldn't feel here… a feeling his body had learnt to live with back in the living world, but was nothing but a faded memory in the spirit world…

Now he was a permanent resident and captain of Soul Society… this was his world for as long as he could remember himself…

He had no memories of his human life like everybody else had to hold on to… he had no knowledge of the Human world, he didn't know what it felt like to cuddle in front of the fire in the winter or jump in the sea in the summer, because he couldn't recall a single summer or a single winter.

The only ice he had ever witnessed was the one Hyourinmaru created… he had traveled to the Human world back during his one year in the Shinigami Academy; his first mission against a herd of Hollows was during winter time and the village they had evaded was surrounded by high mountains covered with what he first had seen snow. He could still remember the soft sound of it rustling under his sandals and the slightly rough texture of it in his palms, or the refreshing cold it emitted when he brought it close to his Gigai's face…

That was when he had first heard Hyourinmaru calling clearly to him his name; the time he first touched snow…

Toushirou snapped out from his daydream as he heard the water moving beside him and noticed Matsumoto swimming away from him, probably tired that he didn't talk with her.

He sighed and followed her with his eyes disappear through the fog of the hot springs and that one thought covered all others; what would he do without her…

"Thank you…" he muttered.

He heard suddenly water splashing and out of nowhere Matsumoto appeared beside him with wide eyes.

"Wh-what?"

Toushirou shot up looking down at her, hoping the night would hide his blush.

Had she heard…

"What _what_?"

"You said…!" she pointed at Toushirou and a smile appeared on her face. She pushed her palms on the rocks and emerged from the water enough to reveal things she shouldn't and Toushirou crawled backwards looking away.

"Matsumoto, get back in the water!" he growled gritting his teeth.

"Oh!" she said simply and fell back in the water grinning innocently.

"What were you thinking?" he asked, his voice sounding a little too hoarse. He cleared his throat and straightened his haori.

"You said thank you!" she said happily.

"Since when do you have such a good hearing?" Toushirou grumbled.

"Since tonight when I saw _you_ whispering with Hisagi, talking about _me_!" she replied rubbing the back of her neck.

Toushirou frowned and looked at her.

"You're crazy!"

"I saw that, captain! I saw how you were grinning as if you were planning a prank on me!" she said with a teasing grin as if she had exposed a dirty little secret.

"You still complain about that?"

"Oh yeah! Because honestly, it _is _weird that you of all the people guessed my size right!" she said, her voice raising a couple of octaves. "You never… never look at me!" she said and Toushirou frowned more noticing a hint of disappointment in her voice.

She looked away and drowned her chin in the water, hiding her lips in the fog.

"Of course I… I look at you…" Toushirou said feeling slightly nervous, but as their eyes met again he felt as if he should make things right and… enlighten this misunderstanding. "You're my lieutenant, so it's logical that I look… at you!" he scratched his hair feeling rather ashamed with his words of choice. They sounded weird, and Matsumoto must have thought so too because she chuckled and her disappointment vanished behind that smile of hers that made Toushirou's heart beat wildly.

"Ok then! What's my height?" she asked playfully.

Toushirou lowered his head not taking his eyes off Matsumoto.

"What?"

"If you're that good with calculating sizes and such, tell me my height!"

Toushirou smirked.

"170 centimeters." He replied simply crossing his arms on his chest.

Matsumoto narrowed her eyes and then splashed warm water into Toushirou's face with a loud giggle.

"It's 172 to be exact!" she said as Toushirou dried the warm droplets from his face with his black sleeve. He couldn't help a smile.

"And what's mine?" he asked.

Matsumoto shook her head and turned around in the water, touching her chin on its surface. Sweat was forming on her temples and forehead flowing smoothly on her skin. She wiped away some from her eyelashes which sparkled above her eyes.

"You really want me to say this out loud? Won't you feel bad or something?"

Toushirou frowned and moved his toes trying to unstuck the wet socks from his skin.

"Why would I feel bad?"

Their eyes met and Matsumoto grinned and squeezed her eyes staring at him.

"Could you stand up?"

Toushirou rolled his eyes.

"Can't you guess as it is?" he grumbled.

"Please!"

"Hn!" Toushirou stood up looking down at Matsumoto whose eyes were shifting up and down. He felt silly so he sat back down, where he was closer to her and grabbed a leaf of grass and threw it in the water. It floated away following the ripples Matsumoto created.

"I… I can't really tell!" Matsumoto laughed nervously and she brought half of her face in the water up to her nose, so that only her eyes were out and looked into his.

Toushirou wasn't sure if it was the heat of the warm water, or the silence of the night, or just the exhaustion taking over his soul, but as he looked into her eyes, he felt like falling into some sort of trance, where the surroundings were a swirling blur of dark colours with a silvery glow and one last drop on his temple tickled lightly the only reminder of where he was and with whom…

He leaned his elbows on his knees bringing his face closer to Matsumoto's, who was slowly descending from the water, revealing blushed cheekbones and a pair of dark red fleshy lips, slightly parted letting some drops fall from the upper lip flowing over that small beauty mark on the lower right corner.

Toushirou felt his own lips part and his eyelids heavy, drowning into these beautiful eyes surrounded by thick, long eyelashes.

What he was doing felt like being guided by some higher power and he was just too vulnerable to fight it… but still everything was telling him that was the right thing to do… what he desired to do… and the closer he leaned the hotter he felt, and that uncontrollable crave grew bigger and bigger burning his insides…

A cricket broke all of a sudden the silence, and the sound echoed like an alarm bell for both Toushirou and Matsumoto who backed up avoiding each other's glance.

Toushirou stood up turning his back to Matsumoto who had hid her mouth back into the water, her eyes flickering on the rippled surface.

He took a deep breath clenching his fists feeling so ashamed …

What had he done…

What _would _he have done…

He brushed his palm over his face angrily and glanced over his shoulder to see Matsumoto swimming away. Again.

"I'm sorry…" he said in an undertone, and he knew she had heard him as she paused in the water causing the ripples to subside. He noticed the tension on the muscles of her neck and bare shoulders and chewed on his lower lip frustrated with himself.

Something what had felt the one minute so right… now was utterly wrong…

…

I could feel my exhaling unsteadily cause small ripples on the beautifully hot water and my heart drum inside my ears.

The sound of his footsteps becoming distant felt so heavy in my chest I wanted to scream out loud into the night, at that one blasted cricket, at everything for causing this turn in my life…

What had happened…

What _would _have happened…

Did I really want so desperately to _kiss_ my captain? Out of all the men in my life, my captain? The last man who'd _look_ at me this way…

I brushed a wet palm over my face, feeling my lips burn under my touch as I remembered his warm brush over my fingers previously that night, and that pile of hidden emotions carved in his dark, turquoise eyes and I caught myself imagining what it would feel like if these fingers touched my bare skin, and those eyes lingered on me longer as if trying to catch a glimpse of every detail of me, as if trying to make me theirs…

"Uh-oh!" I realized and slapped lightly my burning cheeks and decided that it was time to get out of this strange water with that strange effect on me… but as I reached the rocks, where I had so irresponsibly taken my clothes off forgetting the presence of my captain, a man nonetheless, I searched around hoping he'd be far away from here by now.

So I decided to stick around for a while… let things cool down…

But my head was swirling dangerously and I couldn't take it out of my mind; his eyelids half exposing that beautiful, deep teal tint of his eyes, so deep, so unreachable, yet they were looking at me in a way that made me shiver in this hot water, and my eyes fill with tiny tears.

My captain… he had looked me in a way only one man had… and my heart sank in the memory of that silver-haired boy with the slanted eyes that barely revealed his bright, blue eyes and his hand holding mine as we walked alone, hungry and tired through the streets of Rukongai…

My fingers trailed instinctively over the golden chain with rings the one connecting to the other around my neck as if I was searching some kind of sign of him… from the one present he had given me… my only reminder of our happy years together, just the two of us.

But Gin had left me…

My hand fell in the water and I jumped out of the water and put on my clothes not caring if I was still soaking wet and grabbing my Zanpakuto I ran back home, cautiously, hoping I wouldn't bump into my captain…

I decided to take the shortcut to my private rooms, avoiding the office and the other residents, jumping off the rooftop to land right in front of mine with black daffodils, the sign of 10th Division, painted on the sliding paper walls.

I checked my surroundings, hearing shouting from a far room, probably some who had already returned from Kyoraku-san's party, and I crawled into my dark room sliding the door quickly behind me as if someone was after me.

I caught myself panting and my clothes glued on my wet body, so I changed them as quickly as possible as if I'd catch someone peeking on me, but I quickly calmed myself telling how stupid I must be…

So I laid down on my futon, my Zanpakuto on my side and gazed up at the ceiling, the woods, the shadows from the night, and that burn came back causing me to let a short exhale.

I caught myself wondering what Hitsugaya-taicho was doing… if he was already deep asleep probably dreaming of a place filled with tones of ice cream, or… if he was wide awake as I was… rewinding through every detail, through every word we exchanged, through every glance and every smile…

Yeah… he had been smiling tonight, more than I had ever caught him smile before… actually he never smiled this way; making his eyes look brighter and his face so beautiful, bringing out a side of him I didn't know…

Hitsugaya-taicho never smiled. He would only give this little hint when he was happy in the corners of a smirk. That was all… and tonight he had smiled… he had showed his teeth, and his lips had curved so naturally as if they had never forgotten how to smile…

Imagining him smiling made me smile as well as if I…

I shook my head reminding myself who he was.

Could it be that he saw me more than just his lieutenant…

Was it the reason why he wanted me to become the 3rd Division's captain and leave so that he could have his own space… and the reason he came tonight to the party, while everybody in Seireitei knew how much he hated such kind of parties… and was it the reason he smiled tonight as he was talking about me with Hisagi… and why he accepted for the first time my invitation to the hot springs…

Could it be that my captain was looking at me _not_ as a colleague Shinigami, but as a _woman_…

That… was a flatter… but why was I flattered with this thought?

He was my captain, he was just a boy… or actually a young man… he had changed physically since the first time I met him, and his behaviour can be described more manly than any other's in Gotei 13, but still…

Something felt wrong, yet I liked the idea of him touching me and kissing me and…

"Oi! Matsumoto!" I hissed at myself shooting up from my futon and started walking around nervously.

I was going mad here…

I'm just imagining things, because nothing had happened, right…?

"Hn!" I halted and placed my hands on my hips.

I had to ask him… or else I'd spend the third night in a row as an insomniac. So I put on my toed socks and a black kimono over my shoulders and slid the paper doors open to find him…

…

Toushirou stretched his legs and let his head fall back as he stared up at another perspective of the same sky from the rooftop of his private rooms.

The stars seemed to be farther away compared to the night sky he had seen at the hot springs though…

He sighed and he heard a whooshing sound noticing a shadow leaping over the rooftop of Matsumoto's private rooms. He missed a heartbeat noticing that it was her, but she didn't seem to notice him as she jumped down not making a single sound and how she crept silently into her room.

Toushirou frowned and looked away still trying to get rid of that constant blush on his face ever since he…

He looked back up at the sky, the only thing that could ease his swirling thoughts, as if its sparkling vastness could swallow every single worry and fear and just leave him with the beautiful thoughts, the ones that gave him courage and felt controllable.

He hated it when he was incapable of controlling his own mind… like he had done a few minutes ago…

His eyes darted to her room… it was dark…

Would she fall asleep…

Would she feel disappointed in him for acting like an irrational little kid, or would she be angry with him, or would she mock him the next morning and laugh about it…

He hoped she would, because then he'd find the excuse to forget about everything and be his old good self again, the one he could actually control. The one that was responsible and despised such _goofing around…_

Yet then again, just the thought of touching her lips gave him the chills and traveled him to a place where he felt happy, excited… complete…

Toushirou rubbed his left temple with his fingers trying to recall the image of that snow-covered place with the frozen ocean and the warm sunrays on his back, where he felt at peace, but even there he could feel Matsumoto behind him…

"_I will always watch over your back, Hitsugaya-taicho!"_

And there she was, sliding her door open and shutting it silently behind her, her hair still tied high with that pink sash and a black loose kimono dancing around her body. Toushirou felt his palms sweaty noticing that she walked towards his rooms.

What was she doing here…

He heard her knocking softly, but he was too shaken up to move. He tried to listen and he heard her breathing heavily.

He brushed his palm over his face angry with himself for being such a coward so he pushed himself forward.

"Uh!" Matsumoto cried surprised as she had turned her head looking up the moment he had decided to crawl out of his hide out. "Man, you… scared me!" she hissed her palm over her collarbone as her shoulders were moving up and down with every deep inhale.

Toushirou muttered an apology and jumped down to land next to her. He glanced at her, but she looked away lowering her head slightly.

"I want to talk to you!" she whispered.

Toushirou rubbed the base of his neck feeling suddenly too aware of himself. He slid the door of his rooms open and gestured Matsumoto to enter, but she looked at him and pointed into the dark room.

"Ehm, in… your room?" she whispered with a trembling voice.

Toushirou frowned glaring at her.

"You said you want to talk!" he shot at her a bit harsher than intended.

Matsumoto chuckled nervously.

"Look, I…"

Toushirou rolled his eyes.

"I said I'm sorry!" he said simply looking at her.

Matsumoto pressed her lips together and nodded fast.

"Hm, yeah…"

"I'm not biting…" Toushirou said seriously looking into his dark rooms.

He felt Matsumoto's eyes on him, so he gestured once more for her to enter and she did, though hesitantly.

He followed her keeping some safe distance from her. He lit an oil lamp on the low table in the middle of the room revealing a big bookcase extending at the far wall and a window opposite the sliding doors with its dim, yellowish light.

Toushirou showed towards the small pillows on the tatami floor and Matsumoto kneeled to take a seat. Toushirou sat opposite her, the low table in between them.

A cricket sounded again and Toushiro clenched his teeth wishing to go out and find that damned insect to crush it under his feet, but he tried to keep his composure calm as he sat opposite her. The silence was too much, as if it was eating him from the inside, slowly, painfully…

When Matsumoto spoke, it felt like salvation, and his courage started building up again.

"I'll blame the sake." she muttered.

"I'll blame the ice cream." He added.

They exchanged glances and Matsumoto couldn't help a laugh hiding her mouth with her palm.

"The ice cream?" she chuckled looking normal again, which brought calm back into Toushirou's mind.

He shrugged, since that was his best excuse. Everybody knew he didn't drink sake.

"No one's going to believe this!" she laughed and burst into a hysterical giggling as she folded herself and hid her mouth in her hands. Her body was shaking and even tears filled her eyes.

Toushirou sighed helplessly, forgetting all about the anxiety that had taken over him ever since he had returned alone from the hot springs.

"What _would _they believe?" he asked with a frown.

She wiped her laughter tears away and sighed deeply looking at him. Toushirou noticed that a very perverted idea struck her as her face lit with a cunning grin.

"We can say that I tried to seduce you!" she said excitedly, as if all this was a game. Remembering the serious, agitated face of Matsumoto's when she had said that she wanted to talk to him he thought she actually meant a serious conversation, and not a plan to cover things up supposing that they had been witnessed from strangers' eyes at the hot springs.

"That's not really good for your reputation!" Toushirou said simply leaning his elbows on the table to hold his head.

"Since when do you care about my reputation?" Matsumoto asked raising her brows.

"I'm a captain! Of course I care about my subordinates' reputation!" Toushirou said matter-of-factly.

"Well, you didn't seem to care when you tried to kis-!"

Toushirou met Matsumoto's eyes and she paused letting the words linger in the air between them.

Toushirou sighed and so did Matsumoto.

The room felt too small all of a sudden, and the air unable to provide the necessary oxygen through his brain to function properly. It felt rather uncomfortable, yet he wished he could find a way to make it less uncomfortable for both of them, judging that Matsumoto felt the same as she played with her kimono and her eyes flickered around the room searching for something to say.

"You know… when you asked me today on the mountain if it was because of Gin that I didn't want to be a captain… I didn't tell the entire truth to you…" Matsumoto said and looked at him. "Some part of me blames him for not accepting the offer, because I… well, Gin means a lot to me and I can't just walk in his shoes and take his place as if he's… gone, because I still think theirs is good in him…" there was a sparkle of hope in her eyes and she smiled sadly lowering her head. "I never had the chance to ask him why he did it. Why he left. But he must have a good reason… he couldn't have changed overtime into…" her brows twitched as she pressed her lips together. "… a such a heartless man who doesn't care about… the ones he leaves behind."

Toushirou shifted slightly and crossed his legs.

"Did you know him?" he asked.

Matsumoto kept her eyes on his.

"Apparently not! Or else I'd known why he left!" she replied as she seemed to be traveling in a place he couldn't reach.

"I began as a 9th seated officer in 10th Division, and then as a 3rd and now I'm a lieutenant. Some would say that my next choice _should_ be captain, but… I don't want to. I feel complete and more than satisfied with my present position!" she smiled at Toushiro and her expression got serious as she seemed drawn by him. "I don't want to make that mistake again, Hitsugaya-taicho! I've lost one captain before you, and then I lost Gin…" she shook her head leaning closer to him. "And it's my fault because I kept my distance from everyone. I don't want to do the same with you too. I want us to… to be open with each other, so that in any difficult time we will know… that we can count on each other…"

Toushirou lowered his eyes to look at the tiny braids of straws the tatami beneath him consisted of.

"Even if I can perform now _bankai_ level, and even if I become stronger day by day, I won't be able to protect you and watch over you as effectively as would if I just _knew _who you are…"

"I won't leave Matsumoto!" Toushirou assured her.

Matsumoto smiled but didn't look convinced.

"I don't want to disappoint you again, that's all!"

"You never did." He brushed his fingers through his hair pulling them a little harder on purpose. "It was wrong of me to say this to you. I was never disrespected from you!"

Matsumoto chuckled and made a face as she looked at him.

"What?" Toushirou wondered.

"I can't say the same about you though, captain!" she began and leaned backwards on her palms. "I still haven't heard those naughty words you exchanged with Hisagi tonight about me!"

Toushirou frowned irritated.

"You're annoying!"

"I know!" Matsumoto laughed and leaned her elbows on the table, just like Toushirou, and the way they were so close again reminded him of everything that had occurred at the hot springs.

Toushirou let his head fall back with a sigh, which sounded more as if he was accusing himself.

"But you're right!" he said in a grief tone.

Matsumoto furrowed her brows.

"_I_ am the one who disrespected you. Me, of all the people… and I hadn't even touched a drop of that disgusting drink!" he said harshly clenching his fists not daring to look Matsumoto in the eye.

"Please, don't blame yourself…" Matsumoto began trying to meet his flickering gaze.

Toushirou had the deepest desire to smash something, stab his Zanpakuto into something, just so all this flowing energy and frustration and impatience inside of him could let him go. He shook his head tightening his grip around his knees as he sat crossed legged opposite Matsumoto.

"I-I've always looked over you, but… I've never looked _at_ you, I… it's just…" he paused suddenly lowering his head and gritting his teeth.

What was going on with him…

He had stayed calm up to now, so why was it all bursting out now, in front of her…

"I'm really sorry, Matsumoto!" he said feeling his mouth dry and a lump in his throat.

Matsumoto raised her hand making Toushirou's heart beat wildly and he missed a thousand heartbeats when her warm, soft palm touched his cheek and her index finger trailed on the corner of his lips. He gasped unwillingly and looked away feeling Matsumoto leaning closer. He wanted to feel her hand on his face more, he desired so much to touch her as well, to smell her, to kiss her…

Toushirou backed away not believing that he was actually scared to death that moment.

Matsumoto hid her hand, the one that had just caressed him, and looked away grinning nervously.

"Aha, I think we're both going mad here!" she chuckled.

Toushirou found himself panting and he took a deep inhale trying to keep calm. This was crazy…

"We are…" he agreed straightening his back.

"It's the teens perhaps!"

Toushirou lifted his eyebrows looking at her surprised.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know, hormones and stuff! We're experiencing the miracles of puberty! That's why we're all confused and unable to control our… our actions and words and… well, we're losing our marbles here!" she said spinning her forefinger pointing at her temple.

Toushirou grunted irritated.

The one moment he feels so drawn to her and the other he only wants to punch that supposedly innocent grin of hers from her face.

"Really? How old are you then?" he grunted.

"Oh, it has nothing to do with age. You see, puberty is the only period of time our body flies beyond the restrictions of our mind! When we're kids, well, we are free and wild and uncontrollable, but it's usually our parents that keep us tied up, keeping us from spreading our wings. They protect us!" Matsumoto beamed moving her hands energetically as she spoke. "But then, through the teens that's when the fun begins; we discover new ways, new ideas, new worlds and try to determine our own place in this maze and then… then we _grow_ and that protective cocoon our parents had made for us once, now _we _build it, hopelessly trying to protect ourselves… from getting hurt, from… hurting others…" Toushirou noticed how she lowered her head and gave him a sad smile.

"And _you_ say I'm living my teens? _Now_?" Toushirou growled in an undertone. She was really starting to get on his nerves.

"Well… _obviously…_!"

Toushirou slammed his fist on the table almost knocking the oil lamp off it.

Matsumoto widened her eyes in shock.

"It's sounds as if I was a _kid_ up until now!" Toushirou growled, his right eyebrow twitching.

"Oh don't get all heat up now, captain! I'm just kidding!" she winked and grinned. "Besides if you continue growling like a bear here, the entire division will know for sure about us by tomorrow!" she whispered making Toushirou press his lips together and grunting as he crossed his arms on his chest.

"Then why do _you_ act the same way? Are you reliving your teens, or something?" Toushirou shot back, trying to keep his voice down.

Matsumoto frowned.

"_Reliving? _What do you mean by that?" her voice raised an octave as she looked obviously insulted.

"That's crazy!" Toushirou muttered.

"Look!" Matsumoto turned serious again. "I guess, since we live quite longer than in the human world, we might as well relive some things; one of those could be puberty!" she grinned looking rather satisfied with herself for figuring that out. "Imagine a person living for, I don't know, a thousand years here, that would mean they'd have to go through childhood for a hundred of them, and then puberty for another three hundred, and adulthood for the rest…" she frowned crossing her arms. "Three hundred years of teens… well then Soul Society would _not _be the way we know it…" she looked upwards touching her lips with her forefinger as if she was thinking hard. "It would be _way better…!"_

"I'm going to kill you!" Toushirou grumbled almost smashing his knees under the intense grip of his palms.

"Doesn't it make sense?"

"No! It doesn't!"

"I think you're definitely going through your teens!"

"And so are you!"

Matsumoto chuckled mischievously turning her head sideways to look him through the corners of her eyes.

"You were the one who tried to kiss me there in the dark, cold night!"

Toushirou gritted his teeth.

"And you wanted to be!" he shot back.

They were both red with anger and embarrassment, as fumes of smoke emitted from their ears. They looked into opposite directions, their arms crossed.

Swearing echoed from another nearby room and something falling and crushing. After a short moment the crickets began to sing in the night and a breeze caused the pine tree's branches to scratch the rooftops. The small flame of the oil lamp flickered causing the two silent residents' shadows to dance on the tatami floor.

"I still do…" Matsumoto whispered causing Toushirou to shiver slightly.

He looked at her and she looked at him smiling nervously as she stood up.

Toushirou stood up as well, feeling his limbs heavy. He walked to the door sliding it open for Matsumoto. She avoided his eyes as she passed by him, and Toushirou missed a heartbeat noticing a deep blush on her face.

"Get some sleep Matsumoto!" he whispered softly.

He followed her with his eyes and frowned when she halted and looked at him over her shoulder shoving a wavy strand from her face.

"My dad, he had a horse that he called Shiro! He was a great white stallion, and he was the one who saved me the night my parents were murdered!" Toushirou felt his lips part slightly. "That's the first thing that came into my mind the day you appeared in front of the 10th Division wearing that white haori!"

Toushirou stood there speechless with these few words he had heard, yet he had just found out about Matsumoto more than he had learnt about her all the years they had been working together.

He couldn't take his eyes off her as she smiled at him confidently and for the first time he actually liked the nickname he was given…

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**I've got a white cat i call Shiro-chan, he has one beautiful blue eye and one yellow-and he's cute!**

**Anyways, i'd like to shout out a veeery big THAAAANK YOUOUOU for reading, favouriting, alerting, and of course reviewing! you make my day guys, especially seeing that kind of all your reviews are encouraging ones xxx**

**Probably some of you really hate crickets now, but this is Toushirou we're talking about. i really try to keep this guy in character, and i guess he wouldn't fall for this so easily... Toushirou is a tough guy and that cricket saved him ;) but not for long...**

**Probably i'll be sending the next chapter tonight! take care and thanx!**


	17. White Emptiness

White Emptiness

There was always something missing, there always lingered that feeling of incompleteness…

I don't know what was missing in my life…

I had a roof over my head, I had warm tea every morning, I had a friend and I had a grandmother to watch over me and tell me stories every night; stories filled with her wisdom and her eccentric sense of humour. I had what I wanted, but… it seemed that still something was missing.

For a long while I thought this was natural, telling myself that no one could have _everything _they wanted…

It would be unfair and not logical.

But the more I tried to convince myself that it made perfect sense to feel this way; incomplete, lost, confused and sometimes frustrated, sometimes it _hurt_… It hurt not knowing what I truly wanted when I had so much.

I had seen people around me, children, even adults, walking around the streets alone, with tearful eyes and trembling hands like ghosts as if they were searching for something, for someone…

I didn't know why they were acting so strangely, until one day my grandma explained to me that they weren't ghosts but they were searching for the ones they loved; their family, their lovers, their siblings, their friends. I couldn't understand though why they looked so desperate, and why there were so many of them…

I was wondering back in that time with my childish mind how come so many people had lost their beloved ones, and why did it seem as though only my grandma and I were the last ones left still together. How could I know that they were _souls_; that spiritual part of a human that survives after death…

How could I know when all I ever knew was _this_ life… in the spirit world…

I had not a single memory of my living life…

If you'd ask me where did I come from and where I was born, I'd answer west Rukongai, Junrinan district…

The day I found out that I was nothing but a soul myself, was the day I first heard that voice…

So, I realized that the reason I didn't know what it felt to be cold, or too warm, or the fact that I had never seen snow or the ocean was because I had no body, I was only a mass of complete spiritual atoms. In Soul Society the only bad weather would be a heavy rain, something I was always looking forward to. I would sit on the rooftop of our hut during the winter and wait patiently for the clouds to gather over my head and sense the alteration in the scent of the air and the pressure in the spiritual energy of the atmosphere. And when the first raindrops would touch my skin, my inner senses would awaken this deep, piercing feeling of incompleteness… as if there were still some faint memories carved in the back of my mind; memories of my living life that had influenced me…

Under the rain I would struggle with all my strength to find out something, anything about my past, and still I would return back home every night by the little fire my grandma had lit and still feel as empty and frustrated as before.

My best friend, Hinamori Momo, would talk hours about her previous life. She would talk about the times she accompanied her father and her older brother to their fishing trips, the colour of the sea and the different kinds of fish and crustaceans they'd catch, the smell of crab legs on the cracking fire and the feeling of salt drying on her skin, and the late afternoon when they'd return home to her mother and her younger sister where they'd play _shiritori_ using only names of animals while eating grilled fish with different herbs.

On the one hand it was interesting and fun watching Hinamori smile with all her memories and mimic her family when she'd remember a funny scene, or just observing the glow in her eyes when she was reliving her times with her big family. But on the other, I felt even more frustrated afterwards, when I'd lay in my futon staring at the ceiling trying to imagine what it would feel like to have salt glued on your skin, or stepping on a sea urchin, or having brothers and sisters with whom I could play all day long…

The closest I had to a sibling, or even a friend was Hinamori… until she left me to become a Shinigami…

I remember how angry I was when she told my grandma and me that she'd be living from now on in the dorms of the Shinigami academy, but promised to visit us in her leisure time. I had spend almost an entire day on the rooftop trying to look beyond that tall, unfriendly wall that surrounded Seireitei, that despiteful place where the _pure _souls resided…

Of course, it was impossible to see beyond it.

It was three days later that Hinamori showed up again at the doorstep with a beaming smile and two big bags of watermelons. She told us everything about the Academy, about Seireitei and her colleagues. I remember how I acted cool and rather uninterested in her bubbling words, but what an impact they actually had on me. Because, even though I tried to be happy about Hinamori, I couldn't help the anger heating up in me with the fact that she had found new friends, better, and more interesting people than me, while I would be left here, with the _common_ souls, with no one actually except my grandma…

And every time Hinamori left at sundown, I'd climb up the rooftop and follow her with my eyes as she walked proudly through the streets of Junrinan with that strange white and red uniform of hers and go through that big gate guarded by a giant.

I had never cried… there was no reason to…

I was not the one missing things, it was her… now, that sounds more like a joke…

And so, just my grandma and I, we spent three winters with heavy rain alone in our hut, when I noticed how older she had grown. Her face had got paler and the deep wrinkles around her mouth and eyes were growing deeper as if they'd soon reach her skull. It had scared me, and for many nights I kept awake watching over her, fearing she'd leave me too…

In the morning she'd need the double time to stand up and boil water for the tea and rice, and she'd spend an extra hour in the afternoon sleeping… she had been sleeping a lot longer than usual, and so I had cut off my long hours of meditation on the rooftop just to be with her.

Sometimes we'd spend time playing that game Hinamori had been telling us about, and others I'd help her walk around the hut until she was panting heavily and desired to lay down a bit…

Hinamori hadn't come by for almost a week, when I finally asked one of the million questions that had been bothering me for so long.

"Grams, why… why do people change?"

I was kneeling on the tatami floor, watching my grandma knitting beside the little fire flickering in a hole in the floor, while the sun was disappearing for another day.

She barely lifted her eyes, hidden under deep wrinkles and smiled slightly.

"Why do you think?" she asked with her calm, but slightly trembling voice of hers.

I frowned hating it when people didn't give me straight answers. Just like Tatsukichi from next door when I had asked him once why he was staring at me as if I was some kind of monster. All he ever said with that annoying high pitched voice of his was that he had tea boiling in the house and feared it'd spoil on the newly put tatami…

"I don't think, because I don't want them to change!" I said rather harshly.

Grandma only smiled wider continuing with her knitting and I noticed how she shifted to move closer to the fire.

"Don't you think that if everyone never changed, things would be a bit boring?" she asked with that enigmatic tone of hers.

"No! They'd be stable!" I replied clenching my fists on my knees.

Grandma sighed and chuckled looking at me.

"She will come back… don't worry, Toushirou-chan!"

I looked away, probably blushing slightly, but my anger was still there.

"If everyone changes, then why don't I? You change too, grams!"

Grandma chuckled again letting her knitting needles beside her and raising her hands over the fire. She was shivering…

"Oh, you do change, dear! You just haven't noticed!" she pointed at me with a grin revealing her missing teeth. "Your arms have become firmer and your jaws more square!"

I remember how she had surprised me and how I actually liked how it sounded. I always remember everyone else around me growing taller, older, stronger. Even Hinamori had grown, her figure had become curvier, her face softer and her hair longer, while I was left behind watching her getting more and more distant…

For so many rainy winters, I remember nothing changing on me… only everything else around me, my grandma, Hinamori, Tatsukichi from next door, Keiko-san from the grocery shop had married and Ayumi, Tatsukichi's little sister had almost reached Hinamori's height, whereas I… I kept sitting long hours on the rooftop when grandma was sleeping, I kept being avoided and stared by everyone as if I was a monster, and even that distant, hoarse voice in my dreams never changed… it kept calling me, like some faraway memory from a past life I didn't know and crushing on me, swallowing me, dragging me into a deeper, darker emptiness than the one I was already letting myself fall into…

Everything stayed the same…

Yet grandma's words had a great impact on me. I spend the next days trying to find out the differences on me; I noticed that indeed my face had grown a lot squarer and the lines on my neck had become rougher revealing an Adam's apple. I even thought my hair looked different and that maybe, just maybe, I was slightly taller… but when I caught myself actually admiring my reflection on the lake's surface at the borders of Rukongai with the dense forest in the west I tried to remind myself that grandma had been changing a lot faster than me… and that she didn't look that fine…

When, two days after that afternoon my grandma assured me that I had changed, Hinamori came I told her about grandma; that she had become weaker, slower, and her voice was trembling more than usual. She dragged me to the closest herb shop, where we asked the employee about advice. All we could do, he said, was to keep her from restraining herself and keep her warm and comfortable.

I remember how I loathed that supposedly advice; it was besides something I'd do anyways…

Hinamori hadn't stayed long that day, saying that she had to prepare herself for a field trip in the Human world to fight some _dummy Hollows_…

I remember I had actually laughed with that and so had grandma…

As Hinamori ran away waving back at grandma and me, I felt this unbearable emptiness again piercing my insides and destroying that funny thought of Hinamori fighting dummy Hollows with a wooden stick…

And as unexpectedly unexpected things happen, that afternoon I met the craziest person I have ever met, and that one person who would open up my eyes, just like grandma had when she told me _what _we were and where we were living… souls in the spirit world…

It was a rather warm day, and I had to squeeze my eyes when I looked up in the sky, running towards the grocery shop where once Keiko-san was working, but now it was passed down to her little sister and her husband, Izanagi, a huge, man with a bigger lower jaw that made him look gorilla-like and short curly hair. He was one of the many people who stared at me with cautiousness and fear. I didn't like him, and so I usually asked my grandma to come along, but since she had grown so weak, her legs barely were able to keep her walk around the house, I had to come on my own… and face all those people by myself…

Their stares, their whispers about that boy with the icy look and the strange hair, who never grew…

"Two boxes of sugared nattou please!" I told him and he narrowed his eyes before walking to the back of the counter. I looked around, already tasting the intense, sweet, slippery texture of the nattou on my tongue, and when he appeared with the sugared nattou in a paper bag I offered him the money.

He took it and as I was waiting for the change sniffing the inside of the bag I raised my hand, but instead I found my change on the counter. I looked up at him and he smirked looking away.

I took the money but suddenly my view got dark and I bumped into something soft and bouncy causing me to lose my balance and fall flat on the floor after I hit my back on the counter.

"Hold it there! How dare you giving the change this way, huh?" a voice growled causing my eardrums to tremble dangerously. "How do you dare being that rude to your customers?"

My head was spinning and I grunted with pain. I glanced at my nattou fearing they'd spill out and so I looked up to find a tall woman with shoulder-length dark blonde hair and a pink ribbon around her neck shouting at Izanagi. I gapped noticing that she was wearing the traditional uniform of a _pure _soul; of a Shinigami…

When her glassy, bright blue eyes met mine she frowned and grabbed me from the back of my shirt to lift me high up at face level.

I gritted my teeth swinging my legs fighting to get away from her grip, but the look she gave me caused me to freeze in my tracks as I was hanging in the air leaning her head so close to mine so that our foreheads were touching.

"And you! What kind of man do you think you are crying and whining, huh?" she growled.

I grabbed her hand that was holding me.

"What? I wasn't crying and I-!"

"Then what were you doing on the floor like a little baby?"

"Dammit, I wasn't crying and it was _your _fault I-!"

"Then if you're a man, show him what you got, kid!" she growled louder pointing at a wide-eyed Izanagi.

"Back off!" I growled and pushed away landing on the floor, with my paper bag in my hands and I ran away.

That night, before I went to bed, I had washed the dishes and helped my grandma to go to sleep who was shivering slightly. I even offered her an extra blanket and she smiled softly at me taking it and wrapping it around her small, weak body.

I spent another night on the rooftop gazing at the full moon and the darker grey freckles on its unreachable surface. I wondered if it was cold there, if there were any souls living, like here…

All day, ever since that incident at the grocery shop with that strange Shinigami woman, I was angry with everyone and everything, even with the taste of that sugared nattou I had bought. I had even growled at my grandma for no reason…

And as I strolled down the streets to visit that little lake at the borders of the forest in west Rukongai, I glared at everyone who dared look at me, as if I was accusing everyone else for the way they treated me.

That woman… it was the first time someone had stood up for me, although I was still wondering why she hadn't just slashed that Izanagi's head with that great sword of hers tied around her waist…

And then I heard that voice again…

And later, when I was deep asleep in my own futon beside my grandmother…

Everything was covered with something white… I leaned to touch this strange kind of sand, and it felt rough yet soft in my palms, like tiny particles of glassy spheres between my fingers. And the whiteness extended so far that it created a bright line in the distant horizon where the clear blue sky was swallowed by that endless white field…

It was vast, deserted, yet beautiful and comfortable…

I walked around and around smiling at the footsteps I left behind on that white, soft ground, when I heard that voice again. This time it was clearer, and it surrounded me as if it came from all directions; from the sky, from the bare trees, from the rocks, from the white ground…

It was everywhere, but I couldn't see the source of it…

I found myself frowning with fear and confusion as I searched desperately for that voice. It was a growl, long, echoing, deep, but so familiar…

So familiar it brought tears in my eyes… like some faint distant memory of my unknown past…

And then, as if my thoughts had been heard from some higher power, a light so bright in a form of a thunder erupted before me, crushing on the white ground causing it to quake under my feet.

I covered my eyes gapping as I saw a beast so huge, so magnificent, so beautiful I was unable to make myself believe that such things couldn't possibly exist. It was a dragon, with scales that sparkled like crystal glass emitting fog, and canine teeth so sharp they would stab even mountains, and eyes crimson red staring down at me. The dragon swung a long tail and smashed the ground beneath it causing it to crack.

The dragon looked down at me letting a deep, echoing growl causing me to shiver…

"_Boy…!"_

That voice I had been hearing for so long… it was that dragon…

"_You can finally see me…!"_

"Who-who are you?" I shouted with a shaking voice.

The dragon was glowing like a crystal sculpture under the bright sky and my heart was beating wildly.

"_My name is-…"_

A growl echoed instead of words and I made a step closer to that beast…

"I-I didn't hear you! Who are you? Where are we?"

"_You are-…! And I'm -…!"_

But the growls, like thunders covered all and suddenly the earth beneath shook so suddenly it caused me to fall on that soft, white ground.

"No! I… I can't hear you…!" I growled but the dragon had enshrouded by a massive, white fog so thick I couldn't see the sky or distinguish up and down anymore. I cried and I growled into the white nothingness feeling this unbearable emptiness once more covering all…

My eyes shot open and I saw pitch black darkness.

I was panting and my hands were grabbing tight at my futon. Drops of sweat flowed from my temples and I gritted my teeth.

I pushed myself up brushing my hands over my face angry with myself, angry with the entire world, when I noticed a dark silhouette in front of me.

I flinched when I saw a familiar face coming in the dim light of the full moon. It was that Shinigami woman…

"Hey!" she whispered, her voice deeper and softer than the one I remembered from that afternoon. But my ears were still hearing that echoing voice of my dreams. I was too shaken up to ask how that woman had come inside our house, or what she was doing here in the first place.

I looked at her with a deep frown.

"You should watch over that _reiatsu_ of yours! Your granny is feeling rather cold, you see!" she whispered gesturing at my grandma next to me. I gasped noticing how she was shivering even though she was wrapped with three blankets.

The woman was looking at me with a sad smile.

"Yes… it's you who makes her cold!" she said the words I feared to hear…

I looked at my grandma and placed my own blanket on her, pressing my lips together. I crawled towards the hole in the ground to light up a fire, and I didn't even notice that I was crying as I did. The woman came closer to me and touched my chin to make me look up at her. She looked so serious, yet so warm and caring.

"Become a Shinigami. Or else… your granny will freeze to death."

I pushed her hand away looking at my grandma… the only person who hadn't left me…

"Shinigami…" I grunted under my breath.

"It's the only way…" the woman said.

"Get out!" I hissed, but she kneeled down and touched my chest with her forefinger causing me to stay still, as if she was controlling me.

"You can hear a voice, can't you?" she asked calmly.

I frowned, my arms falling on my sides.

"Finding the source of that voice, controlling your _reiatsu_ and discovering the owner of that voice… that's what it means to become a Shinigami. This is the only way you can control this power of yours and…" she glanced at my grandma making me miss a heartbeat. "… protect the ones around you!" she looked back at me as she stood up.

"Boy… become a Shinigami!"

And so I did, after spending two days thinking about it over and over again. I saw that everyone was still staring at me, probably sensing the cold I was radiating, the one that caused my grandma to shiver and grow weaker. I spent the nights keeping the fire bright and covering her with blankets and then sit on the rooftop keeping my distance from everyone…

The dragon came every night, but I was never able to hear him…

"_Become a Shinigami…"_

It had felt right… I had tried everything… and this was my last choice… my only choice…

My grandma was more than happy when I announced my decision, and Hinamori was bouncing in the air when she saw me one morning in the Shinigami academy wearing the same uniform as she was, only in blue…

Only a year later, something very rare and extraordinary according to everyone, I graduated and was offered the seat of Captain in the 10th Division, whose captain had died two months ago during a mission in the Hollow world.

That's when I met that woman again, only her hair had grown longer and a golden chain was glancing around her neck, who had appeared to me that night; the first time I had _seen_ Hyourinmaru…

That woman who even hundred years later would have the same influence on me as she had when I was nothing but a boy among the _common _souls. That woman with whom I'd eventually fall in love with…

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**Hope you liked it!**

**Take care XD**


	18. Your Shadow, My Restlessness

**Good morning/evening everyone!**

**I'd like to thank _sagitgirlth _for that last review of yours that was that final push i needed to write the final chapter! Thank you so much ;) - this is not the final chapter of course-there are still some on the road , dont worry. But i did finish writing them!**

**I do not own BLEACH.**

**Please Enjoy!**

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Your shadow... my restlessness...

Toushirou halted by the door and touched his ear on it to make out any sound proving that _someone _would be here before him… but it was too quiet, which meant he was the first one to arrive.

He opened the door, holding his breath as his eyes quickly looked all over the room finding none other but colourful balloons, ribbons hanging from everywhere, confetti and origami in every shape and colour all over the place. They looked as if they were ready to march on into the beautiful new day that had risen…

Toushirou walked inside with a sigh of relief and closed the door behind him.

His eyes darted towards the sign that hung over Matsumoto's desk and read once more the small scribbling on the corner saying _The most beautiful Lieutenant in entire Soul Society_…

For some reason he couldn't still specify, he kept reading this line again and again, and every time he reread the words _ most beautiful_ he'd recall every little detail of her face; her thick eyelashes, that small beauty mark under her lips, the few untidily falling golden strands on her temples and neck, and her warm palm around his wrist, the drops of sweat on her forehead, that sparkle of happiness and confidence in her glassy, grayish-blue eyes when she looked at him last night when she left…

The sign should have been burnt by his steady stare, and he shook his head awakening himself from this trance.

"Crazy…" he muttered to himself massaging his temples as he sank on the couch between the balloons. He threw them away and looked back at the empty chair of his lieutenant.

He stretched his arms on the back of the couch and wondered if she would have finally slept…

He had noticed that she hadn't slept in two nights in a row, and after all that sake she had last night at Kyoraku's party, and the late swim in the hot springs… _and _the late talking with him… he had kept her up for another night…

He even considered giving her the day off, since he was the reason for keeping her up… He could simply have declined the invitation to the hot springs and force her back to the headquarters, but _no;_ he had to accept it, go _with _her to the hot springs, _watch _her get undressed – though he hadn't actually _watched_, but still he was there next to her when she did – and, as if all this wasn't enough, he took advantage of whatever situation they were both into and attempted… to… _kiss her_…

Toushirou let his own hand slap his forehead and he kept it there covering his eyes as his skin started burning from the slap.

He chuckled feeling rather pathetic…

And that was definitely a first…

If he was going to have these kind of thoughts, he could stay in his room, so why did he come here in the first place… Being in a room filled with Matsumoto's _reiatsu_ and presence wouldn't help him concentrate, let alone work.

Everything would only bring her even more vividly back in his mind…

Toushirou grunted frustrated with himself and lied down on the couch, but he felt something pinching the back of his neck. On the pillow he found a blue cat origami which he had slightly destroyed.

He let his head fall on the fluffy pillow and raised the origami in his hands and tried to fix it. It reminded him of Haineko with flames surrounding her cat-like form… and Matsumoto came back in his mind, swimming with her long, wavy hair tied in a high bun with the ends of her pink sash sinking in the foggy, warm water and flowing behind her as she disappeared in the silent night…

Toushirou placed the blue origami on the table and stared up at the ceiling and the colourful ribbons glistening with the morning light. He sighed and let his eyelids close as he actually allowed himself to drift farther into that memory…

But instead of watching her swim away into the fog floating above the dark water surface, he was swimming towards her, searching for her as his body was loosening up in the soothing warmth of the lake. His feet slipped over the rocks, and his hands were gently touching the surface creating ripples. He watched the ripples travel away from him, hoping they'd deliver her his message; _ If only you could let me be the one to make you smile, if only I could be the one to make your eyes shine, if only I could find a way for you to never shed a tear again…_

And there, in his dreams and fantasies, the ripples transformed into small dragons, which emitted fog with their every breath, and they dived into the warm water to deliver his message.

Under the thin blanket of clouds and beyond the stars, where all he wished for could come true…

He searched into the darkness for a sign of the small dragons, or Matsumoto, but he suddenly felt so alone in the deserted lake and hid his face in his wet palms feeling angry for acting so sensitive, so irrational, so uncontrollable, releasing all of his inner thoughts and worries… although it was nothing but his own imagination.

But even here, away from everyone else's eyes, he feared to reveal his true feelings… and he could see it; _He himself was afraid of his own feelings_… he always had…

And now, in this beautiful dream of his, he finally opened up. He sent this message through the water and through the fog towards the last person he wanted to know… _No…_ he _wanted _her to know, but she was the one person he feared the most to know…

He envied her.

She had her own way to get along with the people around her, and she seemed like knowing how to behave with whom and when to say what. She could read people's minds and feelings, and she knew how to make them open up to her. Maybe it was her good looks, or her way of speaking and socializing, but still when she talked with people, she looked them in the eye making the other believe they were the centre of her attention. She always _knew…_ something he lacked in. When he stood on the battlefield, facing even the most fiercesome enemy he would know how to act, when to use his _bankai_, or when to retreat when needed. He could read tactics, he could read strategies, he could read the signs of a lost battle before him, but he couldn't read people…

The world of emotions was an area he yet hadn't discovered… because he simply feared it…

And now, like the Pandora box, all feelings, fears, anxieties, worries appeared at once, piled up, like a massive wave crushing over him and drifting him far away from the world he used to know, ending up in a place so different, so mixed up, so _new_…

He wanted to shout, he wanted to unleash his Zanpakuto and stab, slash, cut, chop, kill. He wanted to let go… like anything else in the world he wanted to let go and open up…

And Matsumoto gave him this hope…

"Dammit…"

…

I hardly slept that night…

My dreams were filled with such agitation and such restlessness I couldn't stay still in my futon or stop panting throughout the long dark hours. I remember somewhere in the middle of the night waking up so suddenly with sweat mixing with tears as I had seen the unforgotten souls again and again, taking the form of my mother whose face was deformed and my father who had a blade emerging from his stomach, and I screamed until my lungs hurt and my throat started bleeding…

I saw other people, children, men, women I didn't know, yet I could see the deepest void in their eyes which started slowly turning into small flames eating every last humanity they had… and I screamed…

In my life as a Shinigami, I have seen death many times in the cruelest forms… but I had never been that affected as I had with the unforgotten souls…

In the darkness of my room I cried silently, hiding my sobs in my hands and trying to subside the shaking of my body, in vain though.

And so I hid my face in my futon and forced myself to think of something else, something that would calm me down and take away that panic attack that was threatening to break me down again. And my captain appeared behind my soaking eyelids…

His sincere, dark turquoise eyes with that ring of teal around his pupils looking down at me as the fog of the warm lake surrounding his beautiful face and his face leaning closer to mine making my heart beat so wild I thought it would explode with excitement and happiness and impatience as I longed so desperately to feel him, touch him, kiss him and let him take me to heavens with a single kiss…

But the tears wouldn't stop falling… only I was so shaken up, I couldn't realize they were tears of sadness, and not of fear and panic, until this morning.

I stood up and got dressed in a simple dark red kimono, one I had stuffed in the back of my wardrobe, tying a black, satin sash around my waist. I stayed there in front of the closed sliding doors trying to hear the sounds of the 10th Division's rooms… I heard the birds singing nonchalantly on the pine tree and a breeze rushing through the grass. I even heard chuckles and footsteps on pebbles.

I sighed, feeling as exhausted as I had been feeling the previous day, and walked outside narrowing my eyes as I found the sun shining brightly high in the sky.

I frowned. So it was already midday…

I hid my hands in the sleeves of my kimono in front of my chest and my eyes immediately met the closed doors of Hitsugaya-taicho's rooms, there where I had been last night… with him…

I looked down watching my feet one after the other touching the wooden veranda.

Only the thought of him had calmed me down, and I smiled slightly to myself remembering his face when I left him last night…

I jumped down the low veranda to follow the pebbly path through the gardens of 10th Division in the middle of the square the rooms created. Bushes with pink and red petals, daisies, daffodils, yellow and white, and the big pine tree hiding half of the clear sky and hugging protectively the one half of the Division.

Just like the way I wanted to hug him… but only so I could find protection in his presence…

How much I wished I could wrap my arms around him and let my face hide in the curve of his neck, feel his white hair tickle me and his arms grab me as if they didn't want to let me go…

Again, I wanted to cry…

I chuckled with that gloomy desperation taking over me. That was so _not_ me, so why was I making such thoughts… why did I want to cry so badly when I had spent more than half of the night sobbing…

I halted and placed my hands on my hips.

I needed people around me, I couldn't stand it being alone anymore, so I headed to Hidetoshi's private rooms to have some fun…

I found him instead in front of Chiyo's room. They were sitting on the veranda drinking tea. When they noticed me I noticed how Hidetoshi's face lit up.

"Look who decided to wake up!" he commented with a laugh.

"Yeah, that sake was rather good!" I said and chuckled feeling suddenly a lot better in the company of others.

"Rangiku-san! Let me bring you a cup!" Chiyo smiled and disappeared into her room.

I sat next to Hidetoshi who kept his eyes on me. Usually I'd look back at him and comment on his rudeness, but instead I gazed at the door that led into my office at the far end of the garden, wondering if my captain would be still working, or if he had a decent sleep last night, or… if he was thinking of me…

"A penny for your thoughts!" I snapped out hearing Hidetoshi next to me. His piercing on his nostril glanced and a smile appeared on his narrow face. He had dark brown eyes and spiky, black hair with one longer strand covering his right ear.

"Pff! They're too valuable for you to afford, Hidetoshi!" I said trying to find myself again, but the fake smile didn't convince Hidetoshi.

He looked away and his expression turned serious.

"Do you have second thoughts?" he asked and met my eyes. "About not becoming a captain."

I shook my head and Chiyo appeared offering me a cup.

She was a childhood friend of Hidetoshi and I remember them being together for as long they're working under the same Division. Chiyo was a small, red-haired woman who looked my age, with small, dark green eyes and a smile that felt as if it was lighting up your day. Although Hidetoshi, along with Kagetora would be the first ones to follow me and comment on my outfit, or the way I had my hair, or how open my kimono's cleavage was, anybody could tell that Hidetoshi truly had eyes only for her…

With her he would drink tea every morning and take a walk in the gardens at sundown. To her he would whisper the last good night and it was her he would dream at night… not me…

I was just the most attractive, yet unreachable woman in Seireitei… I was the goddess of all females according to Kyoraku-san's and Hisagi's sayings… but that was it. Because a goddess is too good to reach, and too distant to own. A goddess was the image all had of the perfect, but not of what they deeply and truly desired…

Of course I wasn't jealous of Chiyo for having Hidetoshi's heart in her hands, but I was jealous of the simple, natural beauty she possessed. Because in the end this was the one that a man needed; a simple stare, a simple touch, a simple laugh that could send them to heavens… that was the true beauty… and even here under the worried stares of Chiyo and Hidetoshi I was thinking of the one time I actually felt truly beautiful; last night, at the hot springs, those two emerald eyes looking at me, _owning _me with a simple glance…

"Wow! Either the earth stopped rotating or that tea isn't tea, but sake!" Hidetoshi said loudly lifting his cup in the air and checking it from every side.

I frowned and noticed Chiyo smiling happily at me as if she had read my mind…

I missed a heartbeat with that thought…

"What? What is it?" I wondered.

"You just sighed!" Hidetoshi laughed and lifted an eyebrow.

Chiyo chuckled and sat down.

"Who is the lucky man?" she asked.

They both were staring at me impatiently beaming. I felt my lips tremble slightly.

"You're mad!"

"Ha! You are mad… about _someone_!" Hidetoshi shot back.

I frowned.

"Shut up!"

"Yes you are!" he went on. "And you're wear-!"

"Hidetoshi-kun, don't-!" Chiyo tried to stop him grabbing his forearm gently.

"Matsumoto-san is in lo-!"

I don't remember thinking of doing it, but my hand just shot onto Hidetoshi's mouth shutting him up as I was glaring down at him. He was looking at me shocked swallowing with difficulty.

I sighed helplessly and put my cup of tea on the veranda.

"That was mean!" Hidetoshi complained. Chiyo shot him a glance.

"I'm sorry…" I muttered.

Chiyo and Hidetoshi both looked at me with worried frowns.

"Rangiku-san, are you ok?"

I tried hard to put a smile on my face looking at Chiyo, but her frown grew deeper.

"Yeah, no worries! I'm just… not myself today! Didn't… sleep well! Anyways, have a good day you two!" I said and waved at them walking back to my room. I glanced one last time at the office, but I skipped every thought forcefully reminding myself my seat, my position, and my duty as a Shinigami…

…

_Knock, knock…_

Toushirou grunted half awake half asleep.

"Hitsugaya-kun!"

Toushirou rubbed his eyelids hearing the door open and footsteps hesitantly approaching.

He frowned to sea Hinamori leaning over the couch looking down at him with a smile.

"Hey, sleepy-head!" she said in a low tone.

Toushirou sighed and let his arm rest on his eyes blocking every light from his vision.

"Hey…" he muttered, his voice hoarse from the sleep.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" she asked gently and he heard her walk around him to sit beside him on the table. He immediately lifted his arm to warn her of the blue cat origami, but he found her taking it in her hands and placing it elsewhere so she could sit there.

He noticed a blush on her cheeks and let his arm close his eyes again.

"Don't worry." He replied.

There was a moment of silence in which Toushirou tried to make out any sounds from outside.

"Where is Rangiku-san?" Hinamori asked.

Toushirou missed a heartbeat hearing that name.

"How should I know?" he said simply, but he bit the inside of his cheek. "Probably sleeping…" he added.

"I'd bet the first thing you would do in the morning would be to take all these balloons and ribbons out!" Hinamori chuckled.

Toushirou clenched his fist that was resting on his head.

"Another time I guess…"

"Hitsugaya-kun, I…" Hinamori paused and Toushirou heard a slight tremble. He peeked from under his arm and saw how she was looking down at her fingers. She looked nervous, and recalling her last night's attempt to kiss him, he feared she'd take it too far.

"Hinamori… I don't blame you…" he said and lifted his arm to look up at the ceiling. "But I _do_ blame that sake!" he looked at her from the corners of his eyes. "I suggest you quit it!"

Hinamori blushed even deeper avoiding his stare.

"I promise, it was the first time last night! I… was foolish! I'm sorry!" she chuckled nervously linking her palms. "Luckily Aizen-taicho brought me home right after you left me… he was kind! He… he even walked me to my room…" she looked at him and stood up bowing her head slightly. "I'm sorry!" she said and walked away hurriedly.

When she closed the door, Toushirou sighed and remembered Aizen talking with Kurotsuchi as Hinamori was fighting to get his attention. He hadn't heard what they had been talking about, but he could tell from Kurotsuchi's serious, cunning grin that it had to do with the reason he had requested earlier that night Matsumoto's Zanpakuto and had even used his _reiatsu_ to confuse her…

Luckily he had sensed it and intervened in time…

He had to find out what was going on. He couldn't afford having that weird Kurotsuchi lingering around, waiting for the opportunity to take and experiment on Matsumoto's Zanpakuto. Her Zanpakuto carried a piece of her soul… there was no way he'd let someone messing around with her…

Toushirou had always watched over her…

He looked sideways at her empty desk and imagined her there, looking boringly at her unfilled reports.

The light from the high windows had become dimmer and the birds started singing… it was already afternoon and he hadn't seen her all day..

Maybe she hadn't slept again, or maybe… she was avoiding him…

That thought made his heart sink and his lips part slightly. And so, feeling guilty and extremely worried, Toushirou made his way to the door to find her, but right in front of the door of his office he came face to face with Hidetoshi.

"Hitsugaya-taicho!" he bowed slightly, looking worried himself.

"Hidetoshi, what is it?"

"Well…" he hesitated and looked to his side, where Toushirou noticed Chiyo standing. She was an unseated officer of his division. "We met Matsumoto-san previously and we were wondering… actually Chiyo-chan was wondering more than I-!" Chiyo hit him on his side with her elbow and smiled innocently at Toushirou.

"Captain, we were wondering if you knew what's wrong with the lieutenant. She seemed rather depressed and…" she and Hidetoshi exchanged glances making Toushirou grow irritated.

"_What_?" he growled in an undertone.

"She's in love!" they both said in unison.

Toushirou narrowed his eyes, his grip at the door handle growing tighter and tighter.

"_What_?" he repeated in the same growling, surprised, irritated tone.

"Matsumoto-san! She was gazing around, sighing, looking depressed! She was even wearing that red kimono!" Hidetoshi said with an expression as if he had made the greatest discovery of the year.

"Plum red, actually!" Chiyo nodded assuring.

Toushirou gritted his teeth.

"What red kimono? What the hell are you talking about?" he asked impatiently.

"Pff! You don't know the story?" Hidetoshi shouted as if it was common sense. But Toushirou felt something clicking; the sound of his patience…

"Do you want to be the new bathroom cleaner? The last one died, so we're short!" Toushirou growled.

Hidetoshi frowned.

"Huh? Kenji-san died?" he asked in shock.

Toushirou slammed the door and stood on the tips of his toes to only reach Hidetoshi's chest.

"I'll kill you unless you speak clearly and get out of my way, got it?" he hissed.

Hidetoshi was looking down at him, his eyes flickering slightly. He checked on Chiyo next to him and shrugged.

"Forgive me, captain!" he muttered.

Toushirou grunted and walked between them.

"Captain… that red kimono…" Hidetoshi spoke silently. Toushirou halted and looked at him over his shoulder. "It is her favourite one… the entire division gave it to her the day she became lieutenant." He paused and a genuine smile appeared on his face. Chiyo smiled as well beside him, and Toushirou found himself holding his breath. "She had said that she would only wear it when the earth would stop spinning for her. She had worn it that day. That's how precious that red kimono was to her …"

Toushirou looked deep into Hidetoshi's dark brown eyes hearing nothing but his own heart drumming in his chest wildly.

"And she was wearing it today…"

Toushirou looked away unable to think logically. It was as if a heavy burden was lifted from his shoulders, and as if he had been suffocating for so long it felt strange and deliberating to breathe again normally. His eyes were staring at the ground beneath him, but he wasn't looking at it. All he could see was that fog floating over the warm lake, and the ends of that pink sash in the dark water, and the small dragons rushing through the darkness to deliver to her his message…

He wanted to call out for her…

That little, flickering, weak flame of hope in his chest had grown into an uncontrollable swirling fire lighting up every dark thought of his and erasing every shadow in his mind making it all clear…

He looked at Hidetoshi and Chiyo who were staring at him worried and smiled at them genuinely.

They gapped with that sudden burst of true emotions from their captain and Toushirou ran back into his office and looked up at Matsumoto's scribbling writing at the corner of the sign hanging over her desk.

_The most beautiful lieutenant in entire Soul Society…_

Hidetoshi and Chiyo followed him. They gapped more as they laid their eyes on the new interior of their captain's and lieutenant's office.

"Wow, someone's having a birthday party?" Hidetoshi commented grabbing a balloon and throwing it at Chiyo. The yellow balloon floated nonchalantly before landing on Chiyo's shoulder. She chuckled looking at Hidetoshi.

"A person in love shouldn't look depressed…" Toushirou said, mostly talking to himself.

Chiyo approached him hiding her hands behind her back as she gazed up at the sign over Matsumoto's desk. Hidetoshi did the same, and they all three looked at it as if it was a canvas of the most interesting painting.

"That could only mean one thing…" Chiyo replied after a long silent moment.

Toushirou looked at her with an agitated frown.

"That she can't have the one she's thinking of…"

Toushirou felt his lips part.

"Why?" he asked in an undertone. Although the answer was clear in his mind… there was only one man in her life she truly cared about. She had said it herself last night when they were in his room. She still had hope he'd return and the way her eyes were lost from their world when she had said it…

Chiyo shrugged looking down at him.

"That's something only Rangiku-san would know." She said and smiled sadly noticing the worry in his face.

"Could it be Ichimaru Gin?" Toushirou asked what he knew both of them were thinking.

He felt his heart sink feeling the guilt crush inside of him thinking of what he had done to her… what pain he must have gotten her into…

Attempting to get close to her, telling her things he shouldn't, since he knew perfectly well what Ichimaru meant to Matsumoto… and that he was still in her mind and heart…

"Then why was she wearing that red kimono?" Hidetoshi asked loudly crossing his arms on his chest.

"It was not red, but plum red!" Chiyo shot harshly.

"Oh, sorry!"

"Whatever the reason, I have done a horrible thing and… I …" Toushirou began and when an idea struck him he crossed his arms glancing at Hidetoshi and Chiyo. "I want to fix this, so… will you help me out?"

…

"Here?"

"Hn!"

"Here?"

"I said yeah!"

"No, you didn't captain!"

"He shook his head!"

"Whatever! Here is just fine!"

"But…"

"I said here is _fine_!"

"Right, captain!"

"Don't make such a fuss! She'll hear us!"

"Maybe she's not even inside!"

I grunted silently and opened my eyes wondering what was going on outside. I noticed the light having grown dimmer through the paper walls and I sighed with the pathetic state I had reached; locked up in my room all day long…

"I think she's waking up!" a familiar woman's voice said in a whisper.

It was too close to my room and I furrowed my brows noticing shadows outside on the veranda.

"The left side needs to be higher!" I gasped hearing Hitsugaya-taicho's voice.

What was he doing outside my room…

I silently and slowly pushed myself up not taking my eyes off that one shadow I was sure it was him. I imagined the frown filled with irritation on his beautiful face, and his hair whiter than ever under the dim sunlight coming in contrast with his darker complexion.

My hand tightened around my forearm feeling the soft cloth of my kimono on my skin…

"That's good." Hitsugaya-taicho ordered the other shadow who was balancing on the banister of the low veranda.

"Really? I think it's stupid!" I heard Hidetoshi say and I couldn't help a chuckle imagining my captain's face at this comment.

"Get out of here, or else you're really off your nice 3rd seat, got it? The proposition for the bathroom cleaner is still on!" Hitsugaya-taicho threatened, though I could swear I heard a smile breaking the usually strict tone of his.

I had no idea what they were doing outside my rooms, or why Hitsugaya-taicho was threatening to fire Hidetoshi, but it felt like a surprise and… I loved surprises!

So I went along and stayed there, leaning by the sliding door trying to hear any sound of them. I heard a pair of footsteps heading away, but my captain's shadow was still there, in front of my door.

I hold my breath fearing he'd hear me and I leaned closer… I could hear his breathe flowing through the thin paper wall and for a brief moment I felt like reaching out to him, feel his warmth that would bring me back to the normal me again…

He was so close, yet so distant…

And he left, listening to him walk away…

I tried not to think that I was actually disappointed he left, but I waited there a little more until I was sure everyone who had disrupted my nap would be gone. So I slid the door open and I felt like a child on its birthday's morning seeing with its own eyes what it had been wishing for so long there by the futon…

A big sign was blocking the sky and the gardens from my door hanging with strings from the edges of the rooftop. There were balloons and ribbons hanging from the sides, but my eyes just wouldn't look away from a very familiar handwriting that said _The most beautiful Lieutenant in the entire world!_

My palm touched my lips and I chuckled.

If I could die of happiness, this would be the time…

I chuckled. Again and again until I was really laughing glancing at the sign again and again; the big, black syllables, the sketches of red and green petals and one yellow daffodil.

Tears filled my eyes and I beamed looking at my captain's room's door.

I ran with all my strength there, not caring if my kimono lifted dangerously high on my thighs with every step, or how silly I must look, but I ran and I halted by Hitsugaya-taicho's door. I knocked… but there was no answer.

"Rangiku-san! Nice dress!" I heard someone shout from the gardens.

It was Abarai Renji, the 6th Division's lieutenant.

I smiled at him, probably wider than appropriate, and walked down at him. His hair was tied, as usual, in a high ponytail and he was wearing a brighter kimono than me. It was bright yellow with the shapes of trees in dark green and dark blue over the sleeves and the ends. It was even more open than mine, revealing his tattooed, muscular chest.

"Nice dress yourself!" I commented happily, feeling my cheeks growing numb with that continuous smile of mine. Renji frowned with my expression and grinned back.

"We should be voted the most well-dressed Shinigami in Seireitei, huh?" he said.

I chuckled. Again.

"Well… I'm already the most beautiful lieutenant in the whooole world, so that's more than enough for me!" I laughed and Renji lifted an eyebrow with surprise.

"Ah… ok!"

"I'll see you around!" I waved at him and ran away heading to my office, feeling absolutely positive that I'd find Hitsugaya-taicho there…

But he wasn't, and my heart sank lightly. I had even feared he would have taken off all the ribbons, the balloons and have burnt down the hundreds of origami Ayasegawa had made, but everything was still there, untouched… and I smiled at the thought that my captain had changed overnight; first he had come with me at the hot springs, then he had hung that sign in front of my door saying the most casual, yet beautiful words, and now I saw he hadn't changed the decoration…

And the more I thought about it, the more I liked it, and I smiled wider. I was even feeling my own spiritual energy increasing tremendously like a tickling from the inside.

I turned around hoping I'd see someone, and I only saw Renji walking through the gardens heading towards the other end.

"Abarai-kun!" I shouted cupping my mouth.

I saw him look over his shoulder.

"Have you seen my captain?" I shouted again.

He scratched his chin and then pointed towards the gates of the 10th Division's headquarters.

"He left with Kagetora and Hidetoshi!" Renji replied.

"Thanks!"

And I ran towards the gates already imagining Hitsugaya-taicho's face when I'd wrap my arms around him and plant the biggest kiss on his lips…

…


	19. Thank You

Thank you...

I ran through half of Seireitei, searching for my captain who had vanished along with Hidetoshi and Kagetora, for a reason I didn't know. I was out of breath leaning on my knees swearing under my breath.

All I wanted was to thank this little captain of mine for that fantastic gesture of his that finally brought me back to my real self, the one who wasn't all depressed and moody locked up in her room. But he was nowhere to be seen, as if he wanted me to go out searching for him…

_Wait…_

"Hmm!" I touched my lips thoughtfully and looked at the night slowly covering another day.

"Could it be…" I asked myself and chuckled feeling kind of embarrassed for chasing after Hitsugaya-taicho.

So I made my way back to the 10th Division's headquarters, this time though I would first scold him, and then I would thank him with my own way…

Maybe he had another surprise awaiting me to make my day even better. But believe me, the last thing I would be waiting was what Hitsugaya-taicho and the entire Division had actually prepared. I thought that maybe he'd give me a day off or something, but not what I saw occurring in the gardens of the 10th Division…

Some daredevil had climbed up the pine tree and hung in small glasses candles on all its branches making it look like pure magic. As if fireflies had gathered to have their own get-together in that beautiful, big tree that always filled my mind with dear memories. In the middle of the garden, between the daisies that had closed their petals for the night, as well as the yellow and white daffodils, lay many small, low tables with cushions where all my colleagues and friends of my division were sitting and looking with beaming smiles up at me.

I was holding my hands in front of my gaping mouth seeing this private party going on while I had been out searching for my captain…

My eyes searched for his distinguishable white hair between the group of all the people I knew and spent so many hours a day with them; I saw Chiyo with Hidetoshi, who was holding her in his arms, Kagetora, all the seated officers of 10th Division, and many of the unseated.

And Hitsugaya-taicho…

When I found him my eyes filled with small tears that flowed down the corners once I blinked. I couldn't stand the wild beating of my heart, or the chill down my spine…

I wanted to scream and I forgot every thought of scolding him… how could I be mad at him…

I smiled so brightly I feared my cheeks would rip and I walked towards them all.

"Matsumoto-san! Did you get lost or something?"Hidetoshi asked with a laugh.

I chuckled and suddenly Ito Aika stood up from the seated on the cushions crowd, holding two cups that emitted a tiny fog. She was the 4th seated officer of the 10th Division, a very sociable woman with beautiful, shoulder-length, blonde locks and small red glasses resting on her nose. Her black uniform was covered with colourful pins and I read one saying _10__th__ Division_ in a red heart on her chest. She offered me the one cup that was filled with black tea and placed an arm around my waist.

"Rangiku-san, as you see we prepared this private party thanks to Hitsug-! Ehm, Hidetoshi-san! Hehe, my tongue just got carried away!" Aika said giggling and I noticed Hitsugaya-taicho hiding his face in his cup. I fought the urge to smile knowing that Aika had said what she said on purpose. And I was glad. "Last time we didn't welcome you back properly and…" Aika looked down at Hidetoshi who was pulling the sleeve of her kimono discreetly. "What?" she hissed.

Hidetoshi gestured her to lean closer to him. He cupped his mouth to whisper something to her. I frowned when I saw him winking at me.

Aika chuckled tightening her grip around my waist. I flinched with that.

"Oh, and, Rangiku-san, we demand you tell us why on earth you're wearing that red kimono!" she said and everybody, except the captain, broke in applause.

I lifted an eyebrow with that sudden _demand_…

"It's plum red!" Chiyo muttered and Aika patted her shoulder before taking her seat not far away from Hitsugaya-taicho.

I tried to meet his eyes, but he seemed determined to avoid me.

"That's none of your business!" I said, hearing my own voice trembling slightly nervously.

I shoved away some strands from my face and felt really awkward having all of their eyes on me.

"Oh come on! You said you'd only wear it when the earth would stop spinning for you!" Hidetoshi shouted from the crowd.

I glared at him. How come he remembered…

"That's ridiculous! The earth can't stop spinning!" I laughed fakely.

"Well, for some reason it did! _For you_!" Hidetoshi said and raised his cup at me.

I blushed and pointed at him as I walked between the crowd heading towards Hitsugaya-taicho.

"I heard you got promoted as the new bathroom cleaner!" I joked and Hidetoshi frowned dumbfounded.

When I reached Hitsugaya-taicho's table, he was sitting with Kagetora, Aika, and Manami, an unseated Shinigami, who was holding a yellow cormorant origami in her hands swinging it over her head making strange sounds. She had long, black hair in two braids hanging loosely over her shoulders and one blue and one brown eye.

Aika gestured at an empty cushion next to hers and Kagetora opposite Hitsugaya-taicho. I heard my feet rustle on the pebbles and I felt heat gathering on my cheeks and neck as I noticed Hitsugaya-taicho staring at me.

I was never embarrassed when people were looking at me. People were looking at me all the time, so why was this so different…

I sat down on my folded legs and my eyes fell on all the snacks and candies and cakes on the table.

"Wow! Where did you get these?" I wondered.

Aika grinned and pointed at the cakes with crème and the chocolate truffles.

"Hidetoshi and I traveled to Vienne to buy these!" she looked at me, her eyes sparkling under her red glasses. "And can you imagine? It wasn't snowing! I thought it would be snowing! But it was so warm and shiny, and we were dressed with woolen pullovers!" she said frowning.

I chuckled imagining the two of them sweating all over holding cakes and chocolate in beautifully wrapped boxes.

"It's August there. Why would it snow in the summer?"

Aika lifted her glasses gently.

"It's high on the mountains, Vienne it is! Of course it should snow!"

I sighed and grabbed one of the chocolate truffles. The moment I bit it, I felt the smooth warm praline send me to heavens.

"Oh dear…"

"Lovely, isn't it?" Aika said and ate one herself.

"Divine!" and I grabbed another one. "And what about these?" I asked after I swallowed the second one pointing at several small plates with golden triangular pieces of something covered in syrup.

"Oh, that's called… ehm…" Aika began, but Hidetoshi spoke. "Balacalava!" he said grinning.

"No! Bavalaca!" she said looking thoughtful.

"Never heard of it!" I commented and grabbed one. The syrup started flowing on my palm.

"It's called baklava!" Hitsugaya-taicho said sipping his tea gazing at the candles flickering in the calm night under the trees and on the pathway of pebbles.

"Right! Baklava! We brought it from Turkey!" Aika said nodding. "Hitsugaya-taicho made u-!" Aika began, but Hitsugaya-taicho glared at her from the corners of his eyes causing her to stop and sip her tea.

"Nice!" I said having tried that too, but I found it too sweet for my likes. Besides I was covered in syrup and my palms were sticky.

There were also almost all types of _wagashi, _like white and pink coloured _daifuku _filled with sweet bean paste, _sakuramochi_, _manju_ made of rice and red bean paste, and so much more I couldn't stop eating I had actually forgotten what I actually wanted to do when I came here. But that was the best surprise, second after that beautiful sign that was still hanging outside of my rooms, and I couldn't hold myself…

I was grinning at every comment, every joke and at everything around me.

"Guyzz, I shuggesht-!" I began, but Hitsugaya-taicho spoke not looking at me.

"Can you eat first before talking?"

I grinned with a stuffed mouth and sipped my tea to swallow faster.

"You don't have to choke yourself!" the captain commented taking a mouthful of sugared _nattou_.

"Well… I suggest we make this routine! Let's have such a party every week or something!" I said happily.

Hitsugaya-taicho wiped his mouth with a handkerchief and finally looked at me with a frown.

"Every week? Are you kidding?"

"But it's so beautiful! We'll have the best get-togethers in all Seireitei!"

Aika and Manami, who had finally put the cormorant origami on the table and was eating chocolate truffles, nodded in agreement.

"No!" Hitsugaya-taicho said simply.

"What? Why?"

"Because it's expensive!" he said matter-of-factly.

I crossed my arms with a frown.

"But it's so beautiful…" I muttered.

Hitsugaya-taicho looked at me looking annoyed and I looked back keeping my stare steady. And so did he. I would win this glare-competition no matter what!

"I said no!" he whispered though he made his point clear… not to me though!

"Once every two weeks!" I insisted.

I noticed the others looking at us as if watching a ping pong game.

"Tell that Kyoraku-san." Hitsugaya-taicho said eating more sugared _nattou_.

"But I don't want to have parties with Kyoraku! I want to have them with you guys! Just like today!" I went on stubbornly.

"Don't make me repeat myself, Matsumoto!"

"Once a month then!"

"No!"

"I'll go myself to Turkey and Hawaii and Greenland to bring sweets and cakes! Please, captain!" I almost begged but held myself.

"Why would you go to Greenland?" he asked with a frown.

"Where's that?" Manami asked Aika.

"Somewhere where it's always snowing!" she whispered to Manami.

Manami lifted her thin brows in surprise. "Then why's it called _Greenland_?"

"You finally made some progress here, captain! You see how happy everyone is!" I said listening to the energetic conversations taking place around every small table, all filled with black and green tea, candies, sweets, cakes from all over the world.

Hitsugaya-taicho glanced behind me at the people of his Division.

"I really love this, captain!" I said in a low tone drawing his attention. He was chewing on his sugared _nattou_ looking into my eyes with his emerald ones.

I can't describe how much I wanted to express to him my gratitude for everything that moment, but I guessed he would only get mad if I attempted anything here in front of everyone.

"Let's talk about this another time." He muttered looking away.

I smiled widely hoping I'd have my chance to hug him before this night ended…

I wished with all my heart it wouldn't though, because we had a whale of a time. People from other tables came to ours, and I visited others as well, joking, laughing and commenting on the cakes and sweets.

Gato Masanori, 6th seated officer, even said that red was looking very good on me, and Chiyo popped out from the next table saying that it was plum red.

Masanori glared at her, and Hidetoshi appeared out of nowhere to defend her.

Masanori was a tall, quiet man who had only recently become a seated officer after he proved his strength and value during a dangerous mission in the Hollow world. He had dark blue spiky hair and black eyes, while his temples and neck had scattered tattoos that looked like droplets.

"Matsumoto-san, I wanted to congratulate you personally for achieving _bankai_ level." He said with his calm, deep voice.

I grinned brushing my hair backwards.

"Thanks! I must admit it was out of luck!" I laughed, but his expression stayed serious as always.

"I doubt it! You've been a lieutenant for so long, which means you had many opportunities to stand in the front row on the battlefield and become stronger with every mission. Unseated Shinigami don't have this chance that often!" he said simply.

I shrugged not really liking the too serious face he had.

"I guess you're right!"

"Besides the Captain-Commander offered you the Captain's seat in 3rd Division. I doubt it he'd offer such an important seat to anyone who simply achieved _bankai _level!"

I nodded with the truth of his words.

"Yeah…" I muttered.

"Thank you, Lieutenant!" he bowed making me blush.

"Ehm, why are you thanking me?" I chuckled and I glanced at my captain from a far away table looking over at me.

"For not leaving 10th Division!" he muttered.

I leaned closer to him to make him raise his head. I couldn't stand such formal gestures.

"It doesn't matter what seat you are, as long as you are given the opportunity to do your duty as a Shinigami and as a comrade! My place is here. 10th Division offered me a home once, that's why I won't turn my back to it. My work here isn't finished!" I said smiling at him confidently.

Masanori nodded.

"10th Division is my home too, Lieutenant. I shall protect it with my life!" he said.

I chuckled with that kid's amateur's confidence, remembering the time I felt this way; powerful enough to conquer the world and kill every single dummy Hollow. Back then, if I was offered the captain's seat I'd take it with no hesitation…

But as I grew mentally, I found out that there were more important things to look for and wish for; it didn't matter if I was an unseated officer, or a lieutenant or a captain. It didn't matter if I had reached _bankai_ or could perform all spells without incantations. All that mattered was the will to go on and fight, the reason I wouldn't give up and the virtues I was defending with every swing of my Zanpakuto…

One of those reasons were my friends and my family, some of them gathered here in the gardens of 10th Division, others living in other Divisions, and others living in another world, where it was cold in the winter and hot in the summer…

I looked at Hitsugaya-taicho observing him talking with Manami and Aika, how calm he looked, how he barely opened his lips when he spoke, yet how his eyes were always looking into his listeners'.

Turning my back to the 10th Division, meant I'd turn my back to him. I couldn't do this to me, to him… In this life of mine, this young captain held a big piece of my heart… and I couldn't help but think that so did I for him after everything he did for me today… and not only today, but the whole time I was working under him…

And I smiled…

…

Toushirou had drunk the fourth cup of tea and he could feel the liquid moving in his stomach.

He leaned his palms back and let his head fall to watch the beautiful night which was a lot clearer than last night's sky. There was no single cloud to hide the stars and the vastness of it, and it looked as always so superior to everything else it made his mind calm down, since not a single thought could overcome it…

He sighed silently and closed his eyes.

Though he had heard the familiar sound of Matsumoto's silent chuckle and the way she strolled to supposedly surprise him, still he closed his eyes.

Her warm palms covered his eyes and he missed a heartbeat with her touch although he had already realized her presence long before she approached him. He tried to stay calm and hide the chill that ran down his spine as he could feel Matsumoto lean closer to him. When he felt her slow exhale on his ear he couldn't help a flinch of his body.

"I know it's useless to play guess-who with you, so all I want to say… is thank you!" she whispered in his ear.

Toushirou felt his lips part and the goose bumps cover his skin. There was one last warm exhale from her and her palms abandoned him, and so did she.

He opened his eyes and looked over his shoulder to see her walk away, her back turned towards him.

It seemed he was wrong; there was one feeling that did overcome the vastness of the sky and the beauty of the million stars glowing thousands of light years away…

It was welling his heart and soul right now…

"Hitsugaya-taicho, are you alright?" Aika asked snapping him out.

He frowned rubbing his right temple.

"Yeah…" he muttered and found Matsumoto watching Kagetora and Hidetoshi teasing one another. She was smiling, though it was obvious her mind was travelling elsewhere, and he wondered where…

Why couldn't he thank her the way she had…

He shivered as he remembered her exhale on his skin.

All he could think of was to find a way to make her feel the way she had made him feel…

That was so unexpected; _desiring _to do things, and not simply knowing what to do and when…

But this night was dedicated to her, and he had already done enough. Confusing her more would only destroy the relationship they already had, and that was definitely the last thing he wanted. Although another man occupied her mind, he could only watch over her with all he had until this man would prove the entire Soul Society wrong and return back to them, back to Matsumoto…

Toushirou frowned deeper realizing that he didn't really like the sound of it, even though he knew that Ichimaru Gin returning wouldn't mean Matsumoto would leave 10th Division. But he would have lost a chance to win that first place in her heart…

Toushirou grunted with himself for thinking such things.

He walked away, not listening to Aika's comments, and shut himself again from everyone, as he did everytime his thoughts were too heavy to bear.

And without knowing that Matsumoto had noticed, he left the party.

He didn't have a destination, he simply wanted some peace and quiet. Despite the fact that he had organized with the help of his division a tea party, with no alcohol and not too many people, it was still too much for him. He was no person to stand socializing get-togethers too long…

"…_all I want to say… is thank you!"_

Toushirou found himself in his private rooms, but he suddenly felt trapped between four walls. So he walked to the window of the room he used as a bedroom that led to the back of the headquarters where the huge trunk of the pine tree was rooted.

But there he halted realizing the presence of a specific someone.

Matsumoto jumped from the rooftop and landed in front of him.

"Sneaking out, are we?" she joked grinning.

Toushirou chuckled and walked past her, but she grabbed his wrist.

"Why are you avoiding me?" she asked sounding worried… and disappointed.

"I'm not avoiding _you_, I'm avoiding the party…" he corrected her.

"And now you're avoiding _me_." She added.

Toushirou looked up at her missing a heartbeat with the look she gave him.

"If it's because of last night, I can forget all about it and… pretend nothing happened!"

Toushirou sighed feeling her grip around his wrist grow tighter.

"Nothing happened!" she said, her voice breaking.

Toushirou released his hand to grab hers instead.

"Something did happen, Matsumoto… and it's my fault!" he finally said in an undertone.

Matsumoto furrowed her eyebrows shaking her head.

"You think what you did was wrong?" she asked.

Toushirou let go of her hand and looked away.

"Do you?" Matsumoto insisted sounding angry now.

Toushirou turned around feeling angry himself, but not with her…

"Well, it _was _wrong, Matsumoto! You're my Lieutenant and you-!" he stopped not believing what he was feeling and what he was saying.

"I _what_?" Matsumoto asked calmly.

She grunted helplessly crossing her arms on her chest as her eyes gazed into the nothingness.

"I thought I told you last night that I _still wanted to_…" she whispered, her voice deeper than before.

When she looked into Toushirou's eyes noticing that he hadn't understood she sighed heavily. "I still wanted you to kiss me. Then! Last night! And I still do! Now! This moment! And then when I heard you outside my room and I saw that-that sign and the unchanged office of ours and… tonight! Through it all, all I wanted to do was _kiss you_ to thank you…!"

She brushed her palm over her face and chuckle nervously.

"Look, I know it's crazy and all, but believe me I… " she looked him in the eye smiling. "… I never planned to feel this way! Ever since last night I changed and… and you made my day, with all those simple things you made me feel… " she laughed shaking her head, as if she herself couldn't believe the situation they had brought themselves into. "…happy, wanted… loved… in a way that completes me!"

Toushirou noticed he had been holding his breath seeing Matsumoto's eyes glow with tears.

Everything around him seized to be; the party on the other side of his room, the night flowing nonchalantly, the crickets in the bushes…

All he could see was her tearful eyes…

"Matsumoto…" he began, but for some reason the words he wanted to say didn't reach him. As if something was keeping them from slipping out and preventing another disaster to occur. He actually felt angry for not being able, once again, to express what he really wanted to…

Matsumoto walked up to him and leaned over him, so that her face was so close to his he could feel her exhale on his skin.

"I know I can't ask you to kiss me or anything, but… can I do this?" she asked sincerely. Toushirou saw one tear gliding down her beautiful skin and reach the beauty mark under the right corner of her fleshy lips.

Toushirou gasped when Matsumoto kneeled on the ground and wrapped her arms around him, but this time his face wasn't being choked by her rich bosom, instead she had hid her face on his chest and he flinched feeling her tears wetting the fabric on his skin.

Since she was shorter than him now she was kneeling, he found himself folded over her, so he kneeled as well and his arms embraced her instinctively feeling her blades and her long, silky hair. He heard her sigh deeply as she sniffed him and he shivered closing his eyes letting himself enjoy this unique, once in a lifetime feeling; having her in his arms…

Suddenly Matsumoto tightened her arms around him and he felt more tears wetting him, but he didn't mind. If he was the shoulder she could cry on, he would gladly be it. Whenever she would need someone, he would always be there, even if it meant to crawl from the abyss of the Hollow world back to reach her…

Just so he could see her smile again, just so he could feel her hands around him, he would do it gladly…

"I wish…" Matsumoto whispered loosening her grip around him slightly "things were different…!"

Toushirou let his face hide in her soft hair that smelled of tea and flowers…

"I don't!" he whispered and tightened his arms around her.

Matsumoto chuckled lightly and the way she shook in his arms made him smile. He didn't want things to be different. He wanted them to stay like this. Like now…

If things had been different, they would have probably never met, and they would have probably never worked together in order to create that lifelong relationship they had developed…

If they hadn't been who they were, they would have probably never made this wish now…

Toushirou let go of her slowly and shoved a strand from her face. His palm stayed longer on her warm cheek and she smiled at him softly.

"Let's not get too emotional here!" he muttered gently and let his hand fall on his lap still feeling the beautiful texture of her skin burning on his palm.

Matsumoto looked down and her hands cupped his.

"I told you; it's the teens! And I'm going through them too!" she chuckled, and she looked so beautiful when she did.

Toushirou smiled slightly.

"Puberty is not an excuse, Matsumoto! It's a way of life… either you live things to the maximum, or you suppress them all." He said.

Matsumoto frowned.

"Really?" she asked surprised. "Then… that makes me a lifelong teen!" she pointed at herself.

Toushirou lifted an eyebrow smiling.

"Yap! And I don't mean it as a compliment!"

Matsumoto chuckled glaring at him funnily.

"You…!" she laughed and did what Toushirou didn't quite expect. She wrapped her arms around him forcing his face to drown in her cleavage. He fought to free himself, but Matsumoto was determined to choke him.

"You're not going anywhere!" she laughed.

When Toushirou finally pushed her away, panting and having turned red all over his face, Matsumoto burst into laughter.

"You liked it! Admit you liked it!" she said standing up and fixing the plum red kimono on her chest.

Toushirou grunted annoyed straightening his haori and stood up as well glaring at his lieutenant.

"No, I didn't!" he growled in an undertone.

"Yes, you did!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"_No!_"

"Can I kiss you?" Matsumoto pressed her lips together attempting to kiss him jokingly, and Toushirou looked away hiding a blush and hoping his heart wasn't beating too loudly.

"Back off, Matsumoto!"

"On the cheek?"

"_Matsumoto_!" Toushirou gritted his teeth glaring at her from the corners of his eyes.

"Man, you're mean, and stubborn and an idiot!" Matsumoto said harshly crossing her arms.

Toushirou grunted annoyed and, without thinking much about it, he grabbed Matsumoto's arms pulling her towards him as he stepped on the tips of his toes and he kissed her…

His lips found hers as if he knew perfectly well where they were, and how parted they were. Just the heat radiating and the rush of thrill through his body seemed to take Matsumoto in shock and she finally shut up accepting the situation. Toushirou's right hand found Matsumoto's back of her neck and brushed them through her hair, as his lips cupped hers gently fearing she would back off if he let his excitement increase the speed and the force of that kiss.

Her lips felt so soft, warm and he kissed her feeling her flavor, and smelling her unique scent taking over all other senses. And she was kissing back…

To his surprise, Toushirou felt Matsumoto's hand reach his neck and caressing his jaw and his cheek, and his heart felt like exploding from his chest when she attempted to deepen the kiss, but he stopped feeling out of breath.

Matsumoto touched his face gently, her fingers trailing on the edge of his jaw before leaving him.

He looked up at her.

"Forgive me!" she whispered, hearing a slight tremble in her voice, which actually excited him.

He couldn't help a smirk of satisfaction as he walked past her.

"Don't call your captain an idiot again!" he said crossing his arms on his chest. "Or else worse things are going to happen to you…" and he smirked before he walked away and with flash steps landed on the rooftop of his rooms.

…

"Huh?" I said dumbfounded.

My lips were still burning, my lungs fighting to keep up with the panting and my legs so weak I still wondered how I was still standing and hadn't yet collapsed on the ground, and he had put me into deeper thoughts than the ones I was already drowned into…

Had he just _provoked _me to kiss him…

That thought brought a too wide smile on my lips and a chill down my spine.

"Oh no! Hitsugaya-taicho? Pff, no way!" I told myself walking in circles where he had left me.

_He had kissed me_…

I touched my lips with my forefinger and I shivered with the sensation and the electric wave rushing through my body.

The captain I couldn't stop thinking about all day had just… kissed me…

Who?

_My captain_…

I chuckled loudly feeling like a child that had just received all the gifts from her wishing list…

"Oh dear…!" I sighed touching my collarbone and looked up at the rooftop of his rooms where he was standing.

A small shadow in front of the endless night sky…

I couldn't help it…

I ran after him and landed on the rooftop, looking at his back.

He was looking down at the party going on in the gardens. The pine tree filled with glasses with candles looked even more beautiful from up here. Like fairy dust ready to make it float and soar through the sky…

I tried to imagine what it would look like if piles of snow were covering the branches and the colour of the candle light reflecting on the white, smooth surface…

It was a beautiful night… for so many reasons that gave me the chills…

"It's beautiful!" I said, looking at the glowing pine tree, at the colourful tea party and the happy people of 10th Division, at the night sky and its stars, at my captain…

Hitsugaya-taicho lowered his face and he sat down on the slates crossing his legs.

I approached him and sat beside him.

We gazed in silence at everything occurring before us, like watching pictures passing the one after the other; a shooting star, Kagetora fighting with Hidetoshi while laughing, the rustling of the pine tree's branches causing the candle flames to flicker, causing some to turn out, another shooting star, Manami having created an entire new world with the origami animals Ayasegawa had made, the sleeping daffodils…

I leaned my palms back and smiled at that beautiful state of mind I was travelling…

"What do you miss from the Human world?" I suddenly heard Hitsugaya-taicho's whisper. I found myself attracted to the calm, hoarse voice of his, and all those hidden thoughts that reflected in his tone.

I liked that question and I smiled listing all the things I missed…

Hitsugaya-taicho must have noticed the look on my face as he repeated the question in another way that made my smile fade away.

"What do you miss most from your previous life? As a human…"

I glanced at him noticing a frown of seriousness on his face, his eyes looking down at the party.

"My previous life…" I repeated as my mind went through all the memories I hold dearly in the back of my head.

I saw my grandmother's smile of pride when she would see me and comment on my growing up so fast, my brothers, Hikaru and Osamu, fighting on the field in front of our house with wooden sticks repeating the training my father had put them through. And I saw my father letting me take a look for the first time of his katana and how he pulled it immediately away from me saying those words that would ring in my ears even so many years later…

And I saw their deaths before my eyes, as if it had been only yesterday…

"Matsumoto, I'm sorry!" Hitsugaya-taicho was looking at me with a concerned look.

I flinched and faked a smile.

"I'm ok! Don't worry! You just… caught me off guard!" I chuckled.

I felt Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes on me a while longer before he looked away.

I knew what I was missing, but I was trying to make myself think that I was given this second chance to live through new things… but even after all these years, it felt impossible… until I came face to face with a hidden truth called _unforgotten _souls…

"I miss my mother's smile when my brother Osamu would tell her every morning how beautiful she looked!" I said smiling with that memory. "And I miss my grandmother's visits and her stories of magical beings she said she had met in her gardens!" I chuckled remembering Hikaru's and Osamu's frowns not believing a word grandmother was saying, whereas I would gasp with every detail. "And I miss the training with my father, and his stories of the places he visited! And the winters, the snow covering everything, the small river by the forest turning into ice once. And the summers; when we'd collect the corn and rice, and the trips to the nearest village to buy sweets!" I wiped a tear of sadness mixed with happiness; sadness for having lost all this, and happiness for having been lucky enough to have lived all this and still remember…

"I do miss all this… and sometimes I wonder… what kind of life I'd have if I had grown up…" I rubbed the base of my neck gazing into an imaginary trip in the future I could have, if those men back in that night hadn't come and hadn't brought an end to all I knew. "If I would have attended my brothers' marriage and throw at them flowers. If I would finally visit my grandmother's house and if I'd see the ocean…" I smiled remembering the time I wished I'd move out to my grandmother's and work with her on the paddy fields of rice with her.

I glanced at my captain, who seemed to be too lost in his own deep thoughts.

"What about you?" I asked, wondering what kind of past he must have had to be who he was…

"I don't miss something…" he muttered in a grief tone letting his head fall back.

"Anything?" I asked.

"I don't have something to miss." He said.

I frowned.

"You have no memories of your previous life?" I wondered what I thought was impossible.

"According to my grandmother I was seven or eight years old when she found me… and probably it's the age I died… I don't know." He said.

I noticed his frown grow deeper and his hands on the slates clench into fists.

"Your grandmother wasn't related to you?" I asked him remembering the small woman wrapped in many blankets shivering under the intense _reiatsu_ Hitsugaya-taicho had been emitting without him knowing, many years ago…

In Soul Society, so many souls ended up here every day the odds to meet again someone from your true family were too small. As a result, in order to face the cruelty of this new life, the afterlife, many people formed families to live on…

Just like Gin had taken care of me, just like Hitsugaya-taicho's grandmother had taken care of Hinamori and him…

"She always said that we didn't need to have the same blood in our veins to be related…" Hitsugaya-taicho muttered touching his chin on his collarbone.

I smiled.

"She's turning four hundred and ten years old next month." He said and I noticed a sad smile on his face.

"Really? Wow!" I gasped.

Hitsugaya-taicho chuckled.

"Yeah… she has looked over more than twenty five kids throughout her life in Rukongai; including Hinamori and me!" he said looking at me.

I smiled at him.

"She's a brave woman!" I said.

"Hn!" he nodded and that smile on his face made my heart beat wildly again.

I sighed and looked at the commotion Hidetoshi had created, as he had persuaded everyone to participate in a chase game. As a result the garden was filled with rushing Shinigami who were screaming, swearing and laughing like children on the playground.

"And look at your family now!" I joked and gestured at them.

"I couldn't ask for more…" he said as he looked down at them. "You can't miss something you haven't known." He mumbled. But beyond these words I could see that it wasn't the truth. I could tell that that little glow in his eyes was sadness filled with frustration with the fact that he had no memories to hold on to like most of us had…

He was only a little child when he had died…

And who knows what life he had before that…

I shifted to move closer to him and I wrapped my arm around him. I felt him stiff as he looked up at me surprised.

"I don't bite!" I assured him and he hesitantly let his head fall on my shoulder.

Maybe he didn't have a previous life, but if I could make this life of his a little more tolerable, then I would be more than happy to…

"We can make memories together!" I assured him and I felt him loosen up and his head leaned on my shoulder. I felt his white strands tickling my jaw and his warmth flowing through me.

Although my lips were still reliving that unexpected kiss Hitsugaya-taicho had given me, I knew that it would only make things we still had to untwine more complicated. But just sitting together, like this, felt right. I felt comfortable and it seemed that so did he…

Just being there for each other…

I tightened my arm around him and I noticed how he closed his eyes and his hand found mine and grabbed it. My heart was beating wildly, but once his hand grabbed mine my body seemed to fall into a beautiful, soothing calm. Like I was finally given the allowance to rest after three days straight of being so hyper and tensed since I had returned from my last mission in the Human world.

So I smiled feeling this soothing need to close my eyes take over me and I leaned my head on my captain's, flooded by his scent and his warmth…

I've never felt so calm before, it was heaven's bliss…

…

* * *

**This was one of the hardest chapters to write-sometimes it ended up too dramatic and others too fluff or something... but this satisfied me enough!**

**Hope though you enjoyed this XD **

**About how many chapters there are left... very few for Part 2 to end-though i'm working on a part 3 which will take place in another timeline than this, but i'm not promising anything,because i really managed to end part 2 in a convenient time (time in which i had loooads of inspiration rushing through my head o_O!) and part 3 may take some time to be finished...**

**Thanx for reading xxx and take care!**


	20. Secret Tensions beneath Simple Things

Secret Tensions beneath Simple Things

His fingers brushed her long, dark golden locks aside revealing the smoothness of her naked shoulders. The sleeves of her plum red kimono slowly slipped off revealing more skin, but he didn't seem to mind. He simply kept putting pressure on her blades and shoulders, pressing his lips together and observing the shimmer of gold in her rich hair.

She moved a bit causing the soft, slightly glistening fabric to slip more on her forearms.

He trailed his fingers higher on the back of her neck and she leaned her head to the front to give him full view of her back.

"Your hair is in the way!" he said in a rather harsh tone.

She opened her eyes looking at him from the corners of her grayish-blue eyes and a sheepish smile appeared on her fleshy lips.

"Sorry, Captain!" she chuckled and his hands left her skin so that she could easily wrap her long, beautifully silky hair in a high bun. The man's dark, turquoise with a ring of bright teal eyes travelled on her long neck and her exposed blades and a vivid colour crossed his face as he watched how her chest lifted slightly with her deep sigh.

"Please go on!" she whispered with a deep voice making him shiver slightly.

He hesitantly placed his hands back on her shoulders and went on rubbing them, massaging the tension from her muscles, the tiredness from her body, as his expression slowly started changing from a rather cool, controlled one to a mysterious one that proved the dangerous path his thoughts were taking…

She moaned slightly with pleasure every time his fingers would dig a bit deeper between the bones of her shoulders, or would rub a bit harder across her perfect skin.

His expression changed more. His lips were no longer pressed together instead he was frowning and his lips were slightly parted as he no longer could breathe through his nose.

Without really intending to, she grabbed her left forearm with her right hand tightening the grip around it every time her captain would massage her harder. And it seemed as time passed by, slowly, the touch on her would become harder…

And she loved that feeling, but she could no longer control expressing the welcoming pain and the building lust taking over her. Her sighs grew to moans and the energy flowing through her grew stronger, intenser, wilder.

She leaned slightly backwards so that her back touched the couch and could feel him closer to her. She heard him clear his throat as he kept putting pressure on her relieving her from that tension that had piled up on her shoulders. She moaned a little more this time, and his grip tightened around her.

She couldn't fight a smile of satisfaction hearing his breathing becoming heavier.

"Do you mind… massaging my back as well?" she asked suddenly causing her captain to flinch.

That was quite unexpected as it showed on his face, but there still appeared a smirk on his lips as he leaned closer to her bringing his head next to hers.

She looked at him sideways as he let himself drown in this massively tempting scent of hers that emitted from the curve of her neck. He took a deep breath touching his nose on her skin causing her, to his satisfaction, to flinch. Just hearing her breathing become unsteady he smiled and gently caressed her neck, just a bit below her ear, with his lips. She was a bit cooler under his warm lips and he kissed her again. Gently, barely touching her, though knowing well how unsettled she had become.

He could see that on the way her grip tightened around her own forearm, on her breathing pace, on the sweet red blush on her cheeks, on the slightly parted fleshy lips of hers, on that passionate, craving look her half lidded eyes gave him.

That extraordinary colour; so light blue like the morning sky, yet with a tint of mellow grey making her irises hardly distinguishable from the white of her eyes. He looked into them realizing the thoughts and desires they were sharing, equally craving for more than what they already had. As if all this was not enough. As if they weren't already lucky to have one another, share the same rooftop, share the same office, work alongside each other, depending on one another… unable to imagine their lives anymore without the other…

"Hitsugaya-taicho…" her voice broke that burning silence and felt like the green light for him to do what he longed to do for so long…

His hand hugged her neck with his index finger pushing her chin slightly upwards to guide her lips closer to his as he leaned above her from behind the couch.

The touch of their lips caused them both to dive into a mystical trance, like an electric wave was sent into each other awakening thoughts and emotions that had been safely hidden for so long and finally found their way out.

He kissed her losing sense of time and place, while his eyelids shut close as his thoughts started focusing on one; to satisfy her…

She felt his finger brushing along her jaw line and the other digging its way through her hair on the small of her neck. And as his fingertips trailed on her skin they pushed the plum red kimono further down seeking for her warmth.

She could feel his breathing and had harmonized hers with his so that she wouldn't miss a millisecond of that kiss that was growing into something more, something more meaningful than fulfilling those burning desires. It felt so… right…

And because for once she didn't regret at all for letting herself so loose with her captain, she placed her palm on the back of his head feeling his white hair through her fingers.

Suddenly, he paused the kiss causing her to feel like floating on air, and instead of continuing as she thought he would, he looked at her behind half shut eyelids with a sparkle that made her miss a heartbeat and then, out of the blue, she felt his lips on her neck. This time though it felt rougher, more passionate, as if he was hungry of her…

A sigh left her lips and his lips sucked her skin causing her to flinch.

He moved lower to her shoulder and then her bare collarbone, that familiar golden chain luckily missing, and then he leaned more over her, his palms tightening around her bare, and now warm, shoulders and he tickled her smooth skin a bit lower from her collarbone with his tongue.

That movement triggered her and a thousand sparks like fireworks erupted behind her eyelids.

"Taicho…" she sighed.

He left her, his hands still on her bare shoulders when she suddenly felt his warm exhale on the top of her head.

A long silence followed, in which she found herself craving for more, anticipating with an uncontrollable lust his next touch, his next unexpected kiss, his next look… but they never came. He just let his hands pull back up the sleeves of her kimono to cover her up.

Her heart sank realizing this had come to an end…

And I watched, being nothing but a spectator, although I had felt what my body had felt in that _dream_…

I found myself desiring for more, falling in a gloomy disappointment that even in this fantasy of mine things had ended so unexpectedly, even though I always knew that things could never work between us, simply because… we were who we were…

But still… why did I want it so much…

Why did I want to offer him so much more than what I was _allowed_ to…

Why did I fear that if I did, he wouldn't accept me. That he would rationally turn me down, and, as he was the logical one of the two of us, he'd smoothly find a way without insulting me to keep things the way they were…

I didn't want them to stay the way they were…

I wanted to be able to hug him without him backing off. I wanted to touch him and see that same desire in his eyes like the one I had. I wanted to whisper in his ear and know that it brought him the goosebumps. I wanted to be the one to … _make him smile…_

Like those smiles he had given so often the past two days…

Oh, I really wanted that, and just the thought that maybe he would not share this dream with me… it scared me…

After all that had happened… I was still afraid…

All signs led me to one thing; that something was troubling his mind as well. But why didn't I dare talk to him about it, I don't know…

Instead I prefer sitting in the playful shadows of my room, as the night had deeply covered Seireitei going through it all over again; the changed behavior of my captain, the smile of my captain, the kiss from my captain…

I sighed again, still shaken up from the vivid dream I had of him touching me, kissing me, wanting me…

Was I asking about too much…

Was it that strange, obscure to seek out for his affection, for his attention…

I glanced at the unfolded sign that had previously been hanging in front of my doorstep saying with big words _The most beautiful Lieutenant in the entire world!_

It was his handwriting, no doubt about it. Hours ago this colourful sign had made me the happiest Soul in Soul Society, yet now I selfishly moped disappointedly desiring to _hear_ these words from his own lips. The lips that made mine burn uncontrollably…

How selfish of me, indeed…

Maybe I was indeed asking about too much…

So I laid down on my futon, remembering every little detail of my captain's lips on mine…

…

Toushirou took off his haori folding it neatly and placing it on a shelf where he had his few clothing.

The room was dark, not a single oil lamp burning but the dim moonlight fighting its way through the round windows of his private rooms and creating multiple shadows of him on the tatami floor.

He observed how his shadows followed him with every little movement he made. But he wasn't really looking since every other thought was clouded by a single face that haunted him for a time that felt like forever…

Toushirou sighed deeply and his shoulders hunched as he observed the fuzzy, silvery blanket of the moonlight covering the outside world, and her face appeared again, the way he had seen her by the hot springs; thick droplets of sweat and vapor on her temples and fleshy, dark red lips, a glance in her glassy eyes and the sound of her heavy breathing in the silence of the night…

The feeling of her hair between his fingers still burnt, and so did the taste of her lips cupped by his… but it was not that vivid and intense as it had been. And that was what was killing him; he wanted to revive this feeling. The scent of her on his nostrils, the warmth of her under his touch.

Toushirou grunted not believing what this woman was doing to him. His lips curved in a faint smile and he shook his head.

After so many years working and actually living together, _now_ was the time for him to develop such strange, uncontrollable feelings. He never lost control, ever…

And now, here he was, sighing, daydreaming, blushing, flinching with every noise from outside his rooms, sweating every time someone passed by his quarters with the hope burning inside of him that it was her…

Yes… he had lost control…

…

An hour after dawn, as little sparrows sang lively hidden in the big pine tree that covered the 10th Division's headquarters and the daisies, the daffodils and wildflowers opened their petals to greet the new day, Toushirou headed to his office as he did every morning at this time.

Sticking to the routine of his life helped him ease the feeling of falling apart and thinking of _inappropriate_ stuff, so work would only help…

With his hands hidden in the sleeves of his uniform he glanced around at the sleeping Division of his, but avoided to look over his shoulder towards a specific room. The low tables and the futons, remnants from last night's get-together, were still scattered in the gardens and some sparrows had gathered to nibble on the leftovers nonchalantly. The quiet was soothing, and with a calm face he entered his office.

Toushirou flinched and froze in his tracks.

His widely open eyes fell on a too energetic Matsumoto who was moving fast around the spacious office holding at one moment a white cloth brushing every surface, the other moment she was mopping and the next she was collecting spider webs from the ceiling with a broom balancing on a chair.

After many moments, when Matsumoto finally noticed him, she halted and stared at him dumbfounded.

Both of them stood there in total silence, only the birds echoing from outside and it felt really uncomfortable. Toushirou felt his brain go blank and his limbs numb. He wanted the earth to swallow him at this moment, or at least wake up from that very, very weird dream…

But it was no dream, and no crack appeared beneath his feet.

Suddenly, Matsumoto looked away brushing her long hair behind her shoulders and smiled nervously.

"Good morning… Hitsugaya-taicho!" she muttered and walked as far away from him as possible hiding in the little room they used as a kitchen.

Toushirou's arms fell on his side as he hesitantly walked to his office, which was sparkling and all his paperwork and books had been sorted out and placed in their proper places in the big bookshelf that extended all over the wall behind his desk.

He had no idea what had got through her, but he couldn't shake that anxiety inside of him away. If things continued going on like this just because… they had _kissed_, then they were both doomed…

Toushirou took off his Zanpakuto placing it on his desk and heard Matsumoto putting water on the stove for their morning tea… as she always did every morning…

Maybe if they flowed along with the routine they both had learnt, then things would become easier and probably forget of all that had happened…

Toushirou caught himself glancing at the shadow of Matsumoto that emerged from the door of the little kitchen, though he could not see her, and he let a silent sigh.

After a couple of minutes of making too much noise in the kitchen, Matsumoto appeared holding two cups of tea while a small fog floated above them. Toushirou avoided to look directly at her and simply muttered a thank you when she placed the cup on his desk. She returned back in the kitchen to return once more, this time holding a little, porcelain bowl from which a very familiar sweet scent came.

Toushirou had to look at her this time noticing the sugared nattou by his tea.

The innocent, yet cute grin on his Lieutenant's face made him miss a heartbeat, and for a brief moment he even considered of planting another kiss on her lips just to express his gratitude to her for being so nice to him, when all _he_ was thinking was ways to avoid her…

Matsumoto, as if she had read his mind, leaned over his desk and pinched his right cheek making him blush instantly. Toushirou immediately regretted of thanking her in any sort of way and held back not to growl at her for putting a slight on his pride like this.

Matsumoto chuckled and walked back to her desk grabbing her tea and taking a noisy sip.

Toushirou rubbed his reddish cheek and stuffed his mouth with sugared nattou in order to keep himself occupied.

When he finished eating, and his lips tasted exactly like his too sweet breakfast, he opened each drawer of his desk to look for his unfinished reports, but he found none. He shuffled through the thousands pieces of paper, when he grew impatient and stood up grunting.

"Matsu-!"

"They're in the red folder behind you." She replied calmly.

Toushirou searched for a red folder with today's date and leaned down to empty it on his desk. To his surprise he noticed they were not blank as he had left them last time. His eyes shifted to Matsumoto, who had placed her legs on her desk reading a very colourful, shiny magazine.

As he stared at her, she finally looked up at him with a frown.

"Wh-what happened to the files?" he asked in an undertone.

Matsumoto's lips curved slowly causing Toushirou's heart race.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

The smile had grown too big and Toushirou hated it that she toyed with him this way; acting as if she had no clue of what was going on, but still her face showed otherwise.

"They're _filled_, Matsumoto!" he grunted sounding as irritated as he felt, though not for the reason he hoped she would guess.

"Yeah, well… I had some extra time!" she said and looked back at her magazine sipping her tea.

Toushirou took the pile of papers in his hands to arrange them properly knocking them on his desk to show his irritation. How could she act so calm, and sweet, and nice… She shouldn't, because it would only make things worse…

"And what am I supposed to do now?" Toushirou muttered stubbornly to himself pushing the red folder back into the bookshelf. Whatever routine he had hoped earlier would help him take his mind off things was taken from him and instead Matsumoto herself had just made sure he'd have all the possible free time to think of _her_…

"Have some fun! Go take a bath, take a walk. Go shopping, go train, I don't know!" Matsumoto said simply, too focused on her magazine.

"Did you stay awake all night again?" Toushirou asked her, this time trying to sound calmer. Matsumoto noticed and looked up at him over her magazine.

"No, I managed to sleep some hours!" She replied simply. "Why?"

Toushirou looked down at the colourful origami animals that were placed in colour order on the low table by the couch in the middle of the room. He noticed suddenly that the balloons and the ribbons Matsumoto had decorated the other time were all gone, and for some reason he felt disappointed.

He had liked that burst of colour in this place… maybe because that time he had actually felt filled with energy and happiness, whereas now… he felt nervous, afraid, annoyed, surprised, and rude…

Rude for not thanking her properly for doing all this in a matter of hours for him.

"Thank you, Matsumoto!" he said after he gathered all the courage to finally say it.

Matsumoto slowly lifted her eyes and placed the magazine on her lap to show him her beautiful smile.

"You're welcome!" she chuckled and stood up, her black uniform dancing around her body. "I think for once you deserve a day off, so I did all this to give you some free time and do what you want." She said and turned around to grab a piece of paper with untidy scribbles on it Toushirou couldn't read and she kneeled on the couch, leaning her elbows on the back of it to face him directly.

"Here I wrote down some things you could do; like… going to the hot springs?"

Toushirou hold his breath and remembered every detail of that night when it all began…

"Or go to Kuchiki-taicho's pool for a swim?" her eyes read a few lines in which she chuckled, making Toushirou grow redder than he already was. "Ok, what about a walk in the White Forest, or pay a visit to your grandma? Although that's something you'd do even if I didn't write it down…"

Toushirou found his mind clear in the thought of his grandmother and crossed his arms on his chest.

"What about doing a prank on Kurotsuchi-taicho?" Matsumoto looked up at him with sparkling eyes.

"What?"

"A prank on Ku-!"

"I heard it the first time!" Toushirou grew serious again. "We're not ten-years-old, Matsumoto!" he scolded her.

Matsumoto pressed her lips together and read on.

Toushirou noticed how her eyes stayed on one line before moving on.

"Well, that's it! I just gave you some ideas, now go and have fun!" Matsumoto folded the piece of paper and hid it in her cleavage. Toushirou for some reason followed her movement, but quickly looked away blushing.

"I thought…" he began but let his words linger in the air.

"What?"

"Well, it's not only me who has free time…" he said, not believing he was actually doing this. His control had way crossed the line, and now he was so far from it the line looked like a dot. As a reaction to this he sighed looking at a frowning Matsumoto over his shoulder.

"What are you implying, captain?" she asked hardly holding a grin.

She had read his mind. Again.

Toushirou exhaled loudly from his nose.

"Why do I have to spit it all out? As if you don't understand!" he grunted in an undertone.

Matsumoto touched her chin on her folded arms on the back of the sofa, smiling innocently like she was enjoying this.

"You're coming with me! Your duty is to never leave your captain's side, got it?" he said plainly.

Matsumoto chuckled softly keeping her grayish-blue eyes with that mischievous glance steady fixed on his.

"If you insist, captain! I'll follow you gladly everywhere!"

Toushirou felt his heartbeat race hearing this deep tone in her voice implying so many things, he wondered which one was true. All he knew was that he would definitely regret this when the day was over…

And so, after ordering a shocked and anything but pleased Kagetora to watch over the Division, Matsumoto and Toushirou made their way to their first stop; breakfast and a morning swim at Kuchiki Byakuya's mansion.

…

"Out of the wayyyy!"

I ran, screaming at the same time, and jumped high to land into the cool blue waters of Kuchiki-taicho's pool. The feeling was breathtaking. Around me I saw nothing but bright blue and the morning sunrays fighting their way through the surface.

Bubbles surrounded me and I pushed with my arms and legs to swim underwater seeing a familiar swimsuit at the shallows.

With one breathe I swam as quietly as possible and when I was near the muscular legs with the bright green Hawaiian-shorts I grabbed his ankle with all my force and pulled him easily underwater.

A shocked Renji tried to release himself by panicking and pushing his arms around him.

I smiled and my mouth filled with water.

When I finally had my fun with Abarai-kun, we resurfaced to catch our breath.

"Y-You idiot!" Renji choked hitting a fist on his diaphragm spitting water.

I chuckled panting and brushed the wet strands of my hair out of my face. I pulled the shoulder straps of my swimsuit to fix it over my body noticing Renji's eyes darting on my bosom as I did.

"Oh, don't be such a baby! Where was your mind anyway?" I laughed and splashed water on his face. His torso and arms were all covered with tribal tattoos which even extended over his face and temples. Although they would usually make him look rather fiercesome, right now, because of the annoyed expression he was wearing and his long, crimson hair framing his face, he looked more like a loser kid.

"You'll pay for this!" he threatened shoving his long, wet hair backwards.

"Pff! Try me!" I replied back and I walked to the edge of the round pool pushing my palms to come out.

Although I really thought the gardens of 10th Division's headquarters were beautiful and always brought you this feeling of peace, I really envied the 6th Division's ones.

6th Division's captain belonged to one of the few noble families of Shinigami of Seireitei and they were part of the Gotei 13 for many generations. The current Kuchiki-taicho was beside of captain also the head of the Kuchiki clan and so a much respected man. I never really fancied him though. He was too cold and emotionless for my likes. But he did let us in, Hitsugaya-taicho and me, as we appeared out of the blue in front of his doorstep holding towels and our swimsuits…

The 6th Division was the only Division that had a pool, and so Kuchiki-taicho probably had got used to the intrusions of many Shinigami into his mansion just so they could have some fun. It was like a small Garden of Eden.

Everywhere cherry trees stood, which blossomed most of the year creating a soft blanket of pink and white petals on the ground. Small paths of colourful pebbles curled through the gardens leading to a small wooden bridge at the west of the gardens where a big willow tree guarded it. There were not as many colourful flowers here as in my Division's gardens, but the place was definitely more spacious and had a wide open view towards the west.

I had witnessed the sunset quite a few times from here… it was picturesque…

If the 10th Division's gardens brought you a feeling of peace of mind, the 6th Division's gardens made you feel romantic with a heartbeat that was accelerating, especially when the person you couldn't stop thinking of was only meters away from you…

"Where is your mind travelling now, huh?" a loud voice broke my thoughts of pink clouds and cherry blossoms and two firm arms grabbed my waist, lifted me high and then threw me into the water…

…

Toushirou stretched his legs on the garden deck chair sipping his pineapple juice through a straw, while Kuchiki Byakuya was lying beside him on another one wearing square sunglasses. A big umbrella protected them from the bright, morning sun as they observed their two silly Lieutenants act like children at the pool.

"Here!" Kuchiki barely spoke as he offered Toushirou a bowl filled with _daifuku _with strawberry.

Toushirou shook his head continuing biting the straw as he watched Matsumoto screaming and laughing as that filthy Abarai Renji was grabbing her waist and legs and threw her in the water causing a wave to flood the surrounding pebbles around the pool. Abarai jumped after her yelling and chasing after her in the water.

He wondered intensely what kind of game they were playing, and if it _really _was a game…

Toushirou bit his straw harder and put on his own sunglasses, since he could feel Kuchiki's eyes on him. The last thing he wanted was for that captain to know what was going on in his mind.

"Want more juice?" Kuchiki asked, his voice so deep and low he was barely audible while Matsumoto and that idiot Abarai were making such a commotion.

"No." Toushirou muttered.

"Another straw, perhaps?"

Toushirou looked over his round, sunglasses at the captain with the long, pitch-black, straight hair and eyes of dark, metal-grey looking back at him.

Kuchiki Byakuya was a man who could be equally compared with Toushirou when it came to their way of leading and reacting- or rather not reacting- when in difficult situations. They were both perfectly able to suppress any sign of emotion on their faces but perfect calm, as if nothing was able to make them lose control of their composure.

And now here they were, staring into each other's eyes; the one trying to look as calm as possible, and the other trying to find any sign of unsettlement on the other.

"No, thank you!" Toushirou finally said and turned back to watching Matsumoto diving underwater, while Abarai swam away with a beaming face.

This was supposed to be _his_ day-off, so why was she having so much fun while he was trying to suppress his anger, his irritation and, above all, his jealousy in the company of a low-toned, arrogant Kuchiki Byakuya…

Suddenly, Matsumoto emerged from the water, thick droplets flowing over her face and body. She wrapped her one arm around Abarai's throat while she held both his wrists with the other from behind and she pulled him back into the water.

"Nooo!" Abarai called, but his voice was drowned.

Toushirou sighed silently and leaned his head back to look at the sky.

Matsumoto came out first from the water and she quickly came out of the pool, her long hair now loose sticking over her bare back. She was wearing a plain, black swimsuit which showed off her firm, long legs and her thin waist, while her bosom was, to all of their surprises, mostly covered.

Toushirou caught himself looking too long on his Lieutenant's body and he coughed trying to look away. But Matsumoto looked towards them and approached them with big steps. She shoved her hair backwards and tied them high in a ponytail and as she did, Toushirou tried not to think how it would feel to touch her right now…

"Won't you come inside, captain? The water is perfect! The best way to wake up!" she said grinning.

Abarai followed and grabbed a towel to dry his long hair.

When they stood next to each other, Toushirou noticed how bigger Abarai was compared to Matsumoto. He was at least a head taller than her, with broad shoulders and a firm stomach, while his face had strong lines and a pointy chin.

Toushirou furrowed his brows feeling that green little monster inside of him toying with his emotions and his control…

"If you can't see, I _am _already awake!" Toushirou grunted and continued sipping his juice, sucking though nothing but air.

He glanced at Kuchiki, who acted all cool and calm.

"I'm going to get some more juice…" Toushirou muttered and stood up to go back into the mansion.

"Hitsugaya-taicho…" Matsumoto called for him sounding disappointed.

Toushirou clenched his fists not believing that he was actually jealous of Abarai Renji because he was taller and bigger than Matsumoto and because they could play so nonchalantly with each other…

Abarai and he were two completely different people; he was a captain and Matsumoto was his Lieutenant, while Abarai was just a colleague and a friend of hers…

He could never act like this with her, although… that was the last thing he had thought of last night…

His lips burnt in remembrance of last night and he wondered if Matsumoto was thinking about it as well…

Instead of getting some juice, Toushirou took a stroll in the Kuchiki mansion with his hands hidden in the sleeves in front of his chest, when many minutes later, as he stood at the veranda that led to the gates of 6th Division's headquarters he came face to face with a grinning Hisagi Shuuhei, 9th Division's Lieutenant.

"Hitsugaya-taicho! Good morning!" he greeted him with a smile.

"Hisagi!" Toushirou simply acknowledged him.

"I heard Matsumoto-san was here!" he said sounding rather energetic and Toushirou asked himself if he was doing something wrong; everyone looked so happy, while he would only feel guilty when he did…

"She's playing at the pool." Toushirou said simply.

They walked to the pool in the middle of the gardens, and Toushirou gapped when he noticed Kuchiki wearing a dark blue swimsuit and jumped gracefully into the water not making a single splash. Matsumoto was sitting at the edge of the pool, her legs in the water and clapped at Kuchiki.

Indeed _everyone_ was having fun.

Matsumoto looked towards them and waved with a bright smile on her face.

"Oh, Hisagi-kun! Join us!"

Hisagi didn't hesitate a second and he took off his uniform wearing in _random coincidence _a black loose swimsuit with green stripes. He sat next to Matsumoto beaming all over.

Toushirou grunted shaking his head and walked back to his garden deck chair and sank in it fixing his sunglasses on his nose.

Maybe he was acting stubbornly like a kid his friends didn't want to play with, but that feeling of annoyance was just not controllable. And in the end, he much preferred drowning in his own angry thoughts than act like a person he knew he could not be, simply because it wasn't like him to goof around…

Matsumoto glanced every once in a while towards him as she spoke with Hisagi, and Toushirou could tell that she knew he was looking back at her although he was actually wearing the sunglasses for that specific reason.

Toushirou raised the sleeves of his uniform upwards feeling quite warm, when suddenly he noticed Matsumoto looking shocked and nervously at Hisagi. The 9th Division's Lieutenant was laughing and he glanced sideways at Toushirou.

For some reason Toushirou felt the air thinner and Matsumoto made that feeling increase in intensity when she looked at him with a serious expression.

What had happened…

Matsumoto stood up and smiled politely at Hisagi before walking away from him to grab her towel.

Toushirou frowned and met Hisagi's eyes. The man with the black, spiky hair quickly looked away and jumped in the water.

"Captain!"

Toushirou flinched and his sunglasses fell from his nose.

Matsumoto had appeared out of the blue behind him grabbing his shoulders tightly.

Toushirou could swear his heart had stopped beating.

"What the hell?" he hissed looking at her over his shoulder.

Matsumoto hushed at him staying hidden behind his chair. It was the first time after last night that they were so close to each other, and Toushirou actually missed observing her face in such detail…

"Hisagi thinks you went to the hot springs with Hinamori!" she whispered.

Toushirou frowned and glanced at the three men who were competing in the pool.

"What?"

"Someone found your ice cream there, captain! You should know we never drop litter on the ground!" she scolded him. Toushirou lowered his face not taking his eyes off her.

"Shit!"

"He remembered you were the only one who had ice cream that night!" she added looking at Hisagi.

"That idiot!"

"What?" Matsumoto wondered furrowing her brows. A droplet flowed from her hair across her temple and Toushirou managed to restrain himself the last minute from wiping it away.

"Well… they will eventually find out that Hinamori left before _we_ left with Aizen. She was too drunk that night!" Toushirou said feeling his face heat up remembering Hinamori's attempt, the girl he loved and cared about as his sister, to kiss him…

"So?" Matsumoto broke his thoughts. "Let them find out!"

Toushirou quickly looked into her eyes.

"What? Are you kidding me?"

"Why would I be kidding? _Captain_?"

Toushirou flinched slightly with the accusing tone of her voice when she called him captain.

"You know perfectly well what I mean, Matsumoto!" he shot back and looked away trying to hide the itching guilt taking over him, since the one who had given her hopes was him…

"No! I don't!" she hissed back and grabbed his wrist to make him look at her. Her hand, though wet, was warm against his skin. "What are you afraid of?" she asked looking suddenly more worried that angry.

"Matsumoto, back off!" Toushirou told her using his strict tone, but Matsumoto didn't react. She simply shifted closer to him tightening her grip around his wrist.

"Matsumoto, I said-!"

"Are you afraid they will see us? Are you afraid they will find out?" she whispered sounding so determined Toushirou felt their ranks fading into thin air.

"Would you react the same way if they weren't here? If we were alone?" she asked leaning closer to him.

Toushirou hoped she wouldn't be able to hear his heart drumming in his chest, or his breathing becoming unsteady, or his palms sweating.

"Would you, captain?"

"Yes…" he muttered not minding that he sounded disappointed with his answer. Matsumoto noticed and her lips parted slightly.

"You _would_?"

Toushirou looked down at her fingers grabbing his wrist and the touch felt like a burning metal forcing its way through his flesh, like a punishment for being the one toying with her feelings…

"I don't want them to find out, because only thinking of what we're thinking… is wrong, Matsumoto…" he told her releasing his hand from hers. "You may not forgive me, but… I'm sorry!" he pressed his lips together as he found the courage to look into her eyes. "I'm sorry, for everything!"

Matsumoto stood up slowly not looking at him and wrapped her towel around her shoulders as she walked away in silence.

Toushirou stood up wanting to follow her, but halted in his tracks knowing that he had no right to. He had confused her more and he had hurt her…

No, he had no right…

"HEY!" suddenly Abarai growled and a big splash echoed, breaking even the deafening silence that had covered Toushirou's thoughts.

"Abarai, you idiot!" Hisagi laughed hysterically.

Toushirou barely turned around to find a naked Kuchiki walking calmly across the gardens, water dripping from his silky, long hair and his pale body, as if he hadn't noticed his swimsuit missing, and disappeared behind sliding doors of his quarters.

Toushirou shook his head and quickly looked at the two male lieutenants laughing hard, folded above the water surface. Their faces had grown red and tears appeared in their eyes.

Yeah… there was definitely not one chance he'd act this way…

…

When Kuchiki appeared again, wearing a beautiful, silk kimono in dark blue with patterns of clouds in different shades of light grey and mellow blue, servants followed him carrying a big, wooden garden table and chairs and they served a rich breakfast.

Toushirou didn't give much attention though as he was too busy looking for Matsumoto who had disappeared into thin air after their little _quarrel_…

"Won't you take a swim, Hitsugaya-taicho?" Hisagi asked, wrapping his hair in a towel.

Toushirou barely lifted his eyes to look up at the tall man.

"Did you see Matsumoto?"

Hisagi furrowed his brows shaking his head.

"No…"

Toushirou ignored him and followed the servants back into the mansion, hoping she'd be in there somewhere. He took off his sandals following a hall that fitted only two people walking beside each other. Across each side there were paper walls with different paintings of beautiful landscapes in spring; blossomed cherry trees, green meadows and colourful wildflowers, a red valley of poppies, a small lake with turtles and frogs…

At the far end of the hall, he found an open sliding door which led into a spacious and bright room with no furniture but huge bookshelves and two futons on the tatami floor.

Matsumoto was standing there, her glassy eyes following the rows of hundreds of books.

Toushirou stood by the doors fearing that whatever he'd say would not be for good, so he just stood quiet, regretting every word he had exchanged with her previously.

"Hitsugaya-taicho…" Matsumoto began, her back towards him. Her long hair was falling loosely over her exposed back and every now and then another drop would flow down her thighs or shoulders. "I do not regret a second of what happened last night! I'm actually glad it happened!"

Toushirou looked down sighing silently.

"I _wanted _it to happen…" she said in an undertone and slowly turned around to look at him with a genuine smile.

Toushirou met her eyes and felt like running when she walked towards him.

"I wanted it to happen, because it was from you!" she chuckled sounding nervous and Toushirou furrowed his brows deeper. "Because the kiss came from you…" she said, though Toushirou could swear she was about to say something else as well, but she halted and instead chuckled once more and leaned, touching her palms on her thighs to come face to face with him.

Toushirou felt his breathing become unsteady, and it felt hard to even think of speaking.

"Sometimes… what we want to do will only bring unpleasant consequences in our lives, Matsumoto." Toushirou swallowed with difficulty and rubbed the back of his neck. "And in our work."

"That depends entirely on us, captain. If we want to fight for it… or not!"

Her smile widened as she looked deep into his eyes. Toushirou observed her smooth skin, and her wet hair was pulled backwards showing her narrow face and the gentle angles of her jaws. She seemed like glowing and her pupils were so small they revealed the glimmering colour of her eyes which felt as if she was digging deeper and deeper into his soul with the promise to forgive him…

A warm palm cupped his cheek and her eyes darted to his parted lips.

"I want to fight for this, captain… What will happen next depends on you now…" she whispered to him softly. He felt her warm breath on his skin and her index finger trailed on his ear. He let his eyelids shut for a longer moment as he felt a wave of calm soothing him. When her palm left him she still kept her face close to his.

Toushirou found himself diving into this trance he had felt last night, where his surroundings were absent and so were any other sounds but his drumming heartbeat and her deep breathing. As if the centre of everything was her…

At the same time he felt silly, immature and sure and determined to become someone he had never considered himself of being before; a lover…

If he would regret about this later, this he was sure about, but if he would hurt her again… he would do anything not to…

Right now, he probably acted more on selfish reasons, but even so, he _did_ want to fight for this too, because Matsumoto was not attempting to kiss Abarai or Hisagi or any other man… she wanted to kiss _him_, and she had said that she wanted to fight for this…

He wanted to fight… for her…

Toushirou leaned closer to her and watched as she closed her lids and opened her lips slightly. Toushirou smiled with that cute reaction of hers and kissed her cheek softly, keeping his lips on her warm skin a little longer, listening to her breathing break off in surprise.

He stayed there and touched her other cheek with his hand brushing a wet lock behind her shoulder.

He felt her flinch slightly and a chuckle escaped her.

"I won't lie that I'm not afraid, Matsumoto, but I trust you…" he whispered into her ear softly. He leaned back to look into her grayish-blue eyes.

She smiled widely.

"I want to fight." He added.

Matsumoto shook her head as her smile widened even more and she lowered her face looking up at him, a sparkle crossing her eyes.

"I am the luckiest Lieutenant!" she said and cupped both of his cheeks planting a quick on his lips.

Toushirou felt his legs like jelly and a chill rushed through his spine. Matsumoto's face had grown slightly red, and he was sure he was redder than her.

She walked past him, now a permanent smile on her glowing face and she grabbed his hand to walk with him across the hall.

Toushirou needed a minute or so to remind himself that they were still in Kuchiki Byakuya's mansion, and hoped they hadn't been seen by strangers' eyes.

When they reached the gardens, Matsumoto was still holding his hand and Toushirou tried to keep himself from pulling forcefully away. It was strange seeing her behavior change so rapidly, but right now he was still too dizzy from what had happened in the mansion to think clearly. So he let Matsumoto hold him, even though the three men at the table noticed and looked at them a little longer than what was considered polite.

Matsumoto grabbed a seat next to Abarai, while Toushirou sat opposite her next to Hisagi.

Kuchiki sipped his tea and looked at Toushirou and then at Matsumoto.

"Next time dry up yourself before entering my home!" he said calmly as if talking about the weather, but he shot a sharp glance at Matsumoto who was tying her hair up in a bun. She lifted an eyebrow.

"I saw you, Kuchiki-taicho! You were all wet as well!" she smiled cunningly and exchanged glances with Hisagi and Abarai. The two men looked at each other and then simultaneously at Kuchiki fighting not to laugh again.

"Two more drops won't change a thing!" Matsumoto said and poured tea into Toushirou's cup and then hers.

Toushirou thanked her in an undertone and sipped his tea.

"Captain! Let's build a pool in our place as well!" Matsumoto said grinning.

Toushirou frowned casually. It was always like this; Matsumoto would take advantage of the good terms they had accomplished to have her own way, maybe even show off the influence she had on him. But Toushirou would always prove to be more stubborn than her…

"Don't even begin this conversation!" he muttered sharply.

"That would be a great relief to my servants!" Kuchiki spoke.

"Your servants?" Matsumoto wondered.

"Especially on Sundays. They would finally focus on taking care of the quarters and the mansion and _not_ the pool!" Kuchiki sounded slightly angry.

Abarai lifted his brows, his hair in a high ponytail, and gave Toushirou and Matsumoto an apologetic look.

"When people come bursting into the gardens, it looks a real mess!" he explained. "Especially the night before yesterday, many continued the celebration here after Kyoraku-san's party." Abarai glanced at his quiet captain. "I cannot describe to you the condition of this place the next morning. We even found Ikkaku-san snoring like a bear on that willow!" Abarai pointed at the beautiful willow that stood over the wooden bridge.

Toushirou and Matsumoto frowned.

"He was unconscious?" Matsumoto asked restraining a laugh.

"Almost dead!" Abarai said. "We had to send him to the 4th Division's medical care!"

"Dear!" Matsumoto gapped shaking her head.

"He stole my sake!" Hisagi spoke. "When I left with my prize…" Toushirou avoided meeting Matsumoto's or even Hisagi's glance. "…he appeared out of nowhere with his Zanpakuto in _shikai_ level and stole my sake!"

Matsumoto started giggling.

"It's not funny! I earned that bottle!" Hisagi complained with a frown. It was strange how his deep voice sounded like breaking.

"Poor Hisagi-kun!" Matsumoto purred.

Hisagi turned red lowering his face nervously.

"I know my captain told you the answer!" she added stuffing her mouth with colourful _dango._

Toushirou and Hisagi looked up at her.

"Yeah…" Hisagi muttered hiding his face behind his tea.

"It was a hell of a party!" Abarai noted grinning, as if he was guilty of something he was proud of. It was a face Matsumoto often showed after a hangover, and Toushirou wondered what that could be…

"Yes, it was! Your captain was missing though!" Matsumoto motioned her head towards the quiet Kuchiki who seemed too drawn into his own thoughts, as if this was nothing but a chit-chatting he didn't want himself to involve in.

Abarai looked at Kuchiki who gave him a simple glare.

"Yeah, well…" Abarai leaned closer to Matsumoto. "He wasn't invited!" he whispered.

Kuchiki of course heard and he decided to break into the conversation in his own way.

"Kurotsuchi-taicho visited the other day!" he said, causing both Matsumoto and Toushirou to turn to look at him with frowns on their foreheads. "He spoke of his theory about Matsumoto-san's _bankai_."

Toushirou noticed Matsumoto's eyes flicker and she moved uncomfortably on her seat. He even noticed how her right hand instinctively searched for her Zanpakuto's handle on her waist, but of course was not there.

"What did he tell you?" Toushirou asked.

Kuchiki took a long sip of his tea before looking at him with his cold, metal-grey eyes.

"Since he is the president of the Research and Development Institute, it's his duty to know all of Gotei 13 captains' and lieutenants' Zanpakuto. It seems he developed a great liking on your _bankai_, Matsumoto-san, claiming that it's impossible for a fire-based _bankai _level to be able to break entire spiritual entities into spiritual particles."

Toushirou sighed slightly feeling heat gathering inside of him all coming from the anger and uneasiness he felt because of that specific captain, who suddenly seemed so interested in Matsumoto and her Zanpakuto.

"You think I should give him my Zanpakuto?" Matsumoto asked with a grief face.

Kuchiki looked at her in silence for a long moment.

"This is your decision to make." He replied.

"That snake! He tries to gather people in his favour to put this proposition forward in front of the Captain-Commander!" Toushirou grunted crossing his arms and leaning his elbows on the table.

Matsumoto glanced at him but quickly looked away.

"What could he possibly do to one's Zanpakuto?" Hisagi wondered.

"No idea… but knowing Kurotsuchi, I don't think it's something pleasant…" Toushirou said, not taking his eyes off his lieutenant.

"I've never heard him claiming anyone else's Zanpakuto." Abarai said with a deep frown looking worried at Matsumoto.

"It's not _his_ usual job. He has subordinates that examine every Zanpakuto that is being revealed in the Shinigami Academy. Kurotsuchi-taicho thinks of it as a low job for himself to handle, so he has others researching on every single Zanpakuto in Seireitei long before they enter the Gotei 13." Kuchiki spoke.

"So even _our_ Zanpakuto have been looked into?" Hisagi wondered.

"Everyone's." Kuchiki replied.

"But he can't possibly know what the _bankai _form of one's Zanpakuto is when he, or whoever does this job, examines it during the Academy years, right?" Abarai asked, sounding now himself uncomfortable.

"I believe it's something one can predict, considering the spiritual energy of the Shinigami and the abilities of his or hers. I've even read that the colour of the _reiatsu _someone emits can be a proof of one's _shikai _and _bankai_ level." The black-haired captain said.

"That's… scary!" Abarai commented.

"But that's not the problem with Matsumoto-san's _bankai_. It's the fact that somehow it is linked with those strange kinds of souls."

"Linked?" Toushirou asked.

"According to her report, simply by reaching _bankai_, these souls evaporated, right?"

Matsumoto straightened her back nodding.

"She didn't use any strange technique, or some _kidou_." Kuchiki went on.

"It's common sense that _bankai_ releases a great deal of _reiatsu_ at the same time, and Matsumoto possesses a strong spiritual energy! It would be only natural that such unstable souls would be too weak to handle that sudden release of _reiatsu_!" Toushirou said with an intense tone.

"I do not disagree, Hitsugaya-taicho. I simply transport Kurotsuchi-taicho's views to you. Though it seems you're already aware of them!"

"I see what he's trying to do, Kuchiki. This is not a way to handle such delicate matters. He cannot simply claim that we lied on our reports and then demand to have my Lieutenant's Zanpakuto as part of his private experiments!" Toushirou grunted clenching his fists.

"Hitsugaya-taicho!" Matsumoto suddenly spoke looking into his eyes, her fleshy lips curving slightly into a faint smile. "Let's enjoy ourselves today and leave such matters for another time! Hm?"

Toushirou kept his eyes fixed on hers noticing that this tension had probably made her feel uneasy. He sighed and looked down at his black tea.

"Of course… you're right!" he mumbled.

Matsumoto chuckled and leaned her chin on her palm watching past him at the pool and gardens behind him.

Kuchiki respected Matsumoto's request and, gladly, they started talking about the pool and having a slide added. Matsumoto's face immediately lit up and Toushirou caught himself wanting to smile as he watched her, not minding if the others noticed.

"Come on now, Captain!" Abarai whined slamming his fists on the table. Kuchiki shot him a killer glance.

"This is not a playground, Abarai! Go build an amusement park in another Division's buildings!" he said strictly.

Abarai made a hurt face.

Toushirou watched Abarai and Kuchiki quarrel. It was quite fun observing two very different men arguing; Kuchiki was never breaking that mask of calm and control, even when his words were covered in venom, while Abarai wouldn't even try hiding his irritation or his anger taking over his facial expressions. He would slam his palms on his lap, he would grit his teeth showing off his canines, whereas Kuchiki would barely move his lips as he spoke and his eyes would never reveal a hint of guilt or disappointment, or even annoyance.

Matsumoto and he were probably the same, even if lately Toushirou would find his control shattering in a matter of seconds. Matsumoto had found her way in… she had found the way to make him reveal himself… just like before, in that room with the bookshelves and the sunrays glowing over her golden, wet locks. Giving her an extraordinary glow as if he could see her _reiatsu_ radiating from her body…

And then her eyelids slowly lifting to reveal those eyes with that colour he had never seen before… and they were looking at him… they were looking into him…

Suddenly, he felt something warm rubbing gently against his leg, and Toushirou flinched hitting his knees under the table causing every bowl and every cup jump into the air simultaneously before landing clumsily and spilling tea all over.

Toushirou was panting drawing his legs to himself staring at Matsumoto who had turned red cupping her mouth with her palm.

"Wh-!"

Everyone turned around to look at him with surprised frowns, while Matsumoto was giggling suppressing it hard with both of her hands now.

Toushirou turned red all over, with no ability to sustain it.

"You know, there are far many other civilized ways to show your disagreement, Hitsugaya-taicho!" Kuchiki said in a cold, strict tone.

Toushirou blushed deeper, if that was possible, and Matsumoto finally burst into laughter, small tears flowing from the corners of her shut eyes.

If someone could catch fire out of nowhere, now was the time. He had never felt so embarrassed, angry and at the same time ecstatic before, so he stood up and walked away taking off his haori, his uniform wearing underneath his dark blue swimsuit and he jumped into the water.

All strange, rushing, and hot feelings inside of him disappeared in an instant as he found himself diving into the cool, pool water. He swam, almost touching the bottom looking up at the sunrays that shone playfully through the ripples he had created on the surface.

That woman…

Rubbing her leg against his…

Toushirou fought hard not to smile stupidly underwater.

When his throat started burning, he rushed towards the surface gapping for air.

He searched for the table, seeing that only Kuchiki was sitting there with his cup in his hand.

Toushirou widened his eyes searching nervously for the rest and found them standing on the other side of the pool, all in their swimsuits.

Matsumoto had her hands on her hips smiling down at him.

"Finally!" she kneeled to whisper at him. "Now I can cross the first thing on the list!" she chuckled.

"Matsumoto!" he grunted irritated and she stood up again and jumped gracefully into the water.

Toushirou tried to locate her underwater but he couldn't find her, and suddenly he feared she'd do a prank on him.

"Oh no!" Abarai cried pointing behind Toushirou. The white-haired captain widened his eyes and the last minute pushed himself away from Matsumoto's underwater attack and swam away from her fast.

"You swim well, captain!" Hisagi commented and he jumped into the water as well.

Toushirou found himself panting having no sign of his naughty Lieutenant. She had been underwater for too long.

"That's crazy!" he sighed and suddenly something grabbed his ankle and pulled him down. Bubbles covered his vision and all sounds became deeper and more distant. He saw something blonde passing him by and then an arm hugging his waist. But as fast as he felt all this, the same fast he found himself alone and searched for Matsumoto.

She had resurfaced and he watched how she moved her legs.

He followed her and caught his breathe.

"You'll be filling up reports for the rest of the month. Mines _and _yours!" he scolded her as he coughed.

Matsumoto smiled tilting her head to look at him from the corners of her glassy eyes.

"My aim is to see a smile on your face, captain! No matter how many months of reports you plan to burden me with!" she whispered, so that only he could hear her.

"You see me smiling?" he grunted brushing his hair backwards.

"So I failed…" she grimaced and lifted an eyebrow.

"Idiot!" Toushirou muttered and he splashed water into her face swimming away, and as he turned her back to her he finally let that smile that was fighting its way out lighten up his face…

…

* * *

**Hopefully your eyes are not aching right now! that was a rather loong chapter... sorry about that!**

**Well, about me finishing part 2-ehm, i kind of lied :( i thought i did, but then i reread it. And again. And again and i found sth was missing, so i added some stuff, changed others, which means i won't upload all of them right now!**

**It's a good thing, right? Or else this would have ended in two more chapter ;) **

**I finally found some music that inspires me and so whenever i have some free time i scribble there, type there and so on!**

**Thank you very much for reading and reviewing, and i was so glad to hear from White Jem and Ice Prince Hitsugaya again XD**

**Have a good day!**

**xxx**


	21. Winter Petals

Winter Petals

Like following a glimpse of light in the dark…

Like seeking for the warmth of the sun when your skin shivers…

Like hearing the gentle, familiar voice of that inner part of your soul that tries to reason your mind and show you the way into awareness of yourself… that voice which I first heard when I had grown too impatient to listen to anyone else such as my colleagues, my senseis…

They kept saying that I would make it; I would _hear _it…

And when I finally heard Haineko's voice and saw her deep green eyes, that tint of the needle leaves of a pine tree after the winter, I finally felt like being grabbed protectively from falling forever into the abyss of my own thoughts, fears… and memories. Haineko saved me from losing myself. Haineko became the walking stick that would keep me from losing my balance, and the eyes of a parent that would always watch over my back and warn me of any obstruction on the way.

Haineko was a part of me.

She was born when I was born and lived with me ever since, even if I only realized her existence in the afterlife.

She may be stubborn, flirtatious and quite snobbish. Her voice is too high-pitched compared to mine and she always knows how to provoke people. She hunts men as if they're prey, but there is always a glance in her eyes that proves that beneath that outer image she has, there is a very mysterious, secretive and powerful woman…

Haineko is a part of me… that's why she is linked with the _unforgotten _souls. That's why _I'm _linked with the unforgotten souls…

They represent the past that never seizes to haunt me, even though I had often promised myself to let go…

I _had _let go; the moment I reached _bankai_ level for the first time. When Haineko finally was able to unleash her true powers.

Yes… I had let go of the people I cared about and loved… but I just could not let go of that lack of will and power I had shown when I had faced _them_. The ones who had pierced that blade through my father's stomach, the ones who had caused that roof to collapse over my mother. I had been there and I had seen them. I even had that god damn katana in my hands, but… I never attacked… instead I ran…

And I ran…

And I ran…

Holding tight onto Shiro's long, white mane and hiding my cold, expressionless face on the back of his long, muscular neck I slowly, gradually lost myself and sank into oblivion. I never realized the sun rising up again and the birds in the trees welcoming another new day, or Shiro halting by a small river slurping the fresh water with his big tongue. Or even a group of boys passing by with a small coach drawn by a donkey, calling names and shouting at me, or Shiro trying to move in order to draw my attention… I couldn't feel anymore, because even though I did see and hear all that had happened in those two days that passed between my parents' death and my own, I was absent. Like a floating ghost lingering over my body which did not move although it was breathing, and didn't see even though its eyes were open…

The white stallion had halted under a broken, old pine tree and had gently kneeled to put me on the grass. It had been a cold night and the horse had leaned his long neck to push me softly with his grayish snout, but my body had barely moved.

I remember a strange sound, something between a grunt and a cry, which I could not surely tell if it came from me…

Shiro had stayed there all night, but he had galloped away a little before dawn, leaving me forever…

Forever… that's a very strange word…

I thought I'd never see my parents for a time I described as forever, but how could I imagine that I would see a soul in my father's form hundred years later with flickering flames burning inside his eye sockets…

"_I wish with all my heart you'll never have to hold a katana in your hands… but if you do, may it be for a better reason than mine…"_

I wish I could tell my father that if he could see me now, he'd be proud, because I've become strong and I hold the most beautiful katana. Her name is Haineko, and with her flames we will help those souls that are unable to move on to find peace. I hope that this is a good enough reason for him to allow me to hold a katana with dignity in my hands…

Flames are not only destructive, they can do good as well. They offer warmth and melt the ice of the heart…

I also wish I could tell him that Shiro is with me. That he never left me and he's always been there for me and that I know he will always watch over my back…

…

"Matsumoto, watch out!" Toushirou bellowed and pushed Matsumoto so that a kite sped between them like a lightning bolt.

Toushirou scowled searching for the guilty one who had so irresponsibly let that kite almost pierce their backs. Two little boys came running and they both passed them by not throwing them a single glance searching for the colourful kite which had disappeared behind a red roof.

"Hey!" Toushirou was about to follow them but he felt suddenly his throat choke from the collar of his uniform as Matsumoto had grabbed the back of it pulling him towards her.

"Oi! Calm down, Captain!" she said.

Toushirou could feel her standing too close to him, like standing next to a small, gentle fire radiating its warmth slowly towards his body. He glanced at her seeing an innocent grin on her face before looking away again with a frown.

"Idiots!" he muttered staring at the corner behind which the two boys had disappeared. He could hear them shouting, but he no longer paid much attention as Matsumoto placed a palm over his shoulder.

"Come on! She will be waiting!" Matsumoto said and moved past him, while her hand left his shoulder and stroked his forearm before letting her hand slip off him. He caught himself holding his breath unable to catch onto what had happened in that glimpse of time.

Toushirou followed her with the corners of his eyes as she walked in front of him and his mind was clouded by the remembrance of the warmth of her soft neck under his lips, the tempting scent emitting from her damp hair and the sound of her heavy breathing as he brushed slowly his lips on purpose to hear more, feel more…

The West Gate of Seireitei stood far behind them as the sun shone high in the clear sky.

Toushirou tried to focus on his surroundings than the woman with the serene smile beside him, observing the familiar wooden houses and shops with that simple yet nostalgic architecture of that good part of Rukongai where he had grown up. Seireitei was a lot different architecturally than Rukongai. The buildings and manors consisted of marbles, granite and freshly polished wood instead of old wood, metallic walls and curtains. The roads were always clean made of identical pieces of rectangular and rhombus-shaped stones, instead here the streets were nothing more than dirt, and there was quiet instead of the commotion that was always taking place in the daylight in Junrinan district.

Even though Toushirou did visit often his grandmother, he preferred doing so later in the evenings when the streets were emptier and quieter, just to avoid the stares, the glares, the frowns and the mutterings about his person. Almost everyone here knew him, and most of them simply were not that satisfied with the fact that a _kid_ like him had managed to become a Shinigami, let alone a Captain of the Gotei 13…

Maybe it was jealousy, maybe it was hatred, but Toushirou could tell that what caused all those glares and the unpleasant, electric air between his former co-citizens and neighbours and himself was the fact that that boy with the murderous, ice-cold look and the distant, mysterious personality that made the other children afraid and the older ones avoid him had finally left this place. _Their _place, _their_ lives… And so walking now between them, wearing that haori, carrying that Zanpakuto and having the most beautiful woman of Soul Society following him faithfully was definitely not the best option of pacifying that uncomfortable atmosphere.

Toushirou tried to look anywhere but into anyone's eyes and for a moment he even thought of using flash steps to hasten the little stroll.

"Captain, why are you so tensed?" Matsumoto asked glancing at him over her shoulder and halted so that he would catch up with her.

That moment his eyes met a woman's stare who didn't even flicker when their eyes met. She was literally piercing him with those dark eyes shadowed by oily strands of hair and his heart started beating fast.

"What?" he gapped at Matsumoto fighting to look away from that rude woman.

"What's wrong?" Matsumoto followed the direction into which Toushirou had looked. He noticed how the woman immediately looked away when Matsumoto frowned at her. She looked back down at him with a puzzled expression. Toushirou drew away and continued walking looking straight ahead hearing now the muttering and gossiping increase in volume and intensity. Or so he thought it was…

Matsumoto caught up with him scanning a round with a questioning look.

"Captain, what's going on here?" she whispered.

Toushirou didn't stop walking as he spoke.

"Let's take a shortcut!" and with flash steps he finally got out of that drowning feeling of being watched and criticized with no hesitation…

Toushirou landed high on a roof, two blocks from that market street where they had been walking previously. His dark turquoise eyes travelled over his surroundings. He bit his lower lip recognizing that rooftop further to the north on which he had spent so many hours of his life distancing himself from everyone and everything, following Hinamori with his eyes every time she returned back to Seireitei and her precious Shinigami friends, trying to find a purpose… a reason… until he heard that one voice that would change his life and bring him to Matsumoto Rangiku…

Matsumoto appeared in no time beside him.

"What was that about?" she wondered with a deep frown which wrinkled slightly her smooth skin.

Toushirou met her eyes crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"It'll take us twice the time to reach our destination by walking." He replied simply and glanced at the high walls that surrounded Seireitei, the Court of _Pure _Souls, having a silvery glow under the sunlight.

"And… what about that woma-!"

"What about her?" Toushirou cut her sharply.

Matsumoto flinched slightly, but when her surprised look turned into a determined one again she made a step closer to him.

"You could say so from the beginning if you didn't want to take the market street…" Matsumoto told him.

Toushirou lowered his gaze and clicked his tongue feeling furious with himself for stressing her with his childish fears of a past he only tried to avoid.

"The way you just vanished in front of everyone's eyes was definitely not a way _not_ to draw attention!" she pointed out placing her hands on her hips.

"We were already drawing too much attention." He muttered.

He felt Matsumoto's grayish-blue eyes watching him as if she was trying to assess his mental state, which he tried to hide beneath his furrowed and distant expression.

"Stop whatever you're doing." He told her calmly with his hoarse voice.

Matsumoto lowered her face humbly.

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't be."

Matsumoto furrowed her brows and the corners of her lips curved a bit. Their eyes met and stayed fixed for a long moment. A moment so tranquil and beautiful, welcome and soothing, in which he found himself swirling in the tiny rays of light blue around her small pupils and the grayish clouds in the irises which were barely visible under the intense daylight. Suddenly all worries faded away and his lips started burning craving to feel hers on his, but it was not an uncontrollable feeling this time. One that had made him sweat and pant simply by remembering that touch the previous night, but a rather calm one. One that made his insides well with a familiar yet new warmth and brought a perfect clearance in his mind…

_One look could simply do all this…_

Toushirou finally managed to look away before he feared she'd think of him as impolite and took a deep breath blinking his eyes.

"It seems the print I left in this place is not a happy one." He said, feeling as if he should explain himself to her. She never asked him to, he knew that, but if he could not explain it to the woman who seemed to encourage him with a simple gesture like a smile, calm him down with a simple look and make his heart race with a couple of words, then he could not explain it to anyone else…

"They're just jealous of you!" Matsumoto spoke, and her voice rang so beautifully in his ears.

"Give me a break!" he spoke with a smirk.

"There are more people that like you captain than you think! Those there simply envied you!"

"Envy is never a good thing. It only feeds evil purposes."

"_And_ encourages competition _and_ a reason to reach the other's level!" Matsumoto added with a wink and Toushirou chuckled shaking his head.

"Since when did you become so talkative?" he joked looking ahead at the dense forest that extended in the far west of Rukongai.

"Since you opened up to me, Hitsugaya-taicho!" she replied at once as if she had known the question and had a ready answer. He watched how a breeze caused her long, golden locks dance around her shoulders and strands of hair frame her shiny eyes.

_How could she always speak the perfect words on the perfect time…_

Toushirou and Matsumoto made their way towards the small wooden cabin of his grandmother. It was a quiet place where the houses were smaller and scattered in greater distances from one another. Bright green, fresh-cut grass lay under their feet and dried leaves of a big maple tree crunched under their every step. Its big, curling branches almost reached the rooftops and its dense, lively green leaves rustled with the rips of wind that blew every now and then.

Matsumoto raised her head to look at the blanket of leaves over their heads and a smile brightened her already bright face.

"Ah! This is so beautiful!"

Toushirou gave a hint of a smile watching her and suddenly he heard a very familiar, high-pitched chuckle.

His grandmother was standing on the threshold of the small cabin leaning her small body over a carved walking stick. A grin appeared on her deeply wrinkled face and strands of her snow-white hair played around her small temples.

"Grams!" Toushirou greeted her softly and climbed the few steps to hug her gently, fearing that every touch would make her lose her balance. But beneath that aged, small silhouette of hers there was probably the strongest woman he had ever known. Her much slated eyes travelled over his face and her warm palm tightened around his forearm.

"Toushirou-kun! Welcome home!" she greeted him back and he noticed her once aconite, blue eyes which had now turned paler turn towards Matsumoto.

His lieutenant was standing a few steps behind him with her hands behind her back and a genuine smile on her face as she bowed at the elder woman politely.

"That's Matsumoto Rangiku, Grams." Toushirou introduced her.

Matsumoto raised her head again linking her palms in front of her.

"Nice to meet you!"

His grandmother tilted her head a few times not taking her eyes off of Matsumoto.

"Oh, I've heard so much about you dear! Nice to finally meet you too, Rangiku-chan!"

Matsumoto chuckled and Toushirou noticed a soft, peach tint flush over her round cheekbones.

"Don't stand like statues! Come in, come in!"

Toushirou took off his sandals by the doorstep with his toes and stepped inside after letting Matsumoto enter first.

Toushirou smelled the familiar sweet taste of sugared _nattou_, something that his grandmother always made sure to have each time he would visit her. In the middle of the single room of the cabin was a higher floor covered with tatami, futons and low shelves across the walls. There were two windows on each wall letting all the light flood the house he once called home. Many parts which his grandmother was unable to reach were covered with dust and spider webs, but all in all the house looked in a perfect condition.

Right by the front door Toushirou noticed a red small bell which Hinamori had bought her from the Human world as a charm for health and happiness. And indeed, ever since Toushirou had left her in order to attend the Shinigami Academy in Seireitei, his grandmother seemed to become healthier and more energetic. Her outer image should not be taken for granted, since she was perfectly able to go to the market on her own and carry her own groceries. Ever since he had left her and his _reiatsu_ had stopped making her health worse, she looked so much better.

And that only made Toushirou happy, because she was finally able to focus on herself than Hinamori and him… just like she deserved to.

"That is a very beautiful maple tree you have out there!" Matsumoto said following her gesture to make herself comfortable on the futons by the small fire burning in a square hole in the floor.

"Yes! We call it the Plum Red Guardian. Instead of red its leaves turn a plum red, sometimes even reddish purple before the raining season."

Toushirou sat between the two women and took a cup with warm, green tea from his grandmother. She kneeled on her futon, her simple, dark green kimono hugging her small body with patterns of lighter green shades of petals and leaves.

They sipped their tea in silence when the elder woman spoke, her voice slightly trembling.

"I'm happy you returned sound and safe. A bird told me it was a risky mission you attended."

Matsumoto glanced at Toushirou, who frowned taking another sip.

"A bird was it? With black hair and a big mouth?" he mocked.

His grandmother chuckled placing her cup beside her lap.

"Teasing in that age is always fascinating!" she said causing Matsumoto to chuckle.

Toushirou glanced at her.

It was forbidden to talk of any Shinigami business and missions outside Seireitei, even to family. But Hinamori tended to speak a lot with grandmother about everything…

"That girl never gets serious!" Toushirou muttered not hiding his irritation.

"You are enough serious for both Hinamori and myself! Let her act freely as long as she's young and innocent!" Matsumoto defended the 5th Division's lieutenant who also was a good friend of hers… as were almost all the Shinigami of Gotei 13.

"Rangiku-chan is right! You should take an example from her!" his grandmother said. Toushirou furrowed his brows unsure if she meant for him to take an example of Hinamori or Matsumoto… either way it didn't feel right.

After many minutes of talking about Hinamori and her naïve ways, Toushirou's grandmother stood up and after Matsumoto persuaded her to let her help her, they served on a low table their lunch. Vegetables with herbs, _mochi, _fried sardines and watermelons and sugared _nattou_ for dessert.

Toushirou stayed quiet for the majority of the time enjoying the meal, as the two women talked about fields of rice paddies, herbs used in soups and vegetables and other things Toushirou wasn't really familiar with. But he didn't really care about that, instead he preferred observing the dark-blonde woman as she talked about things that belonged to her previous life.

"Osamu was the logical one. When Hikaru and I would defy my mother's shouts, he would take the lead and talk just like a big brother should. He knew our weaknesses perhaps better than our mother! He was not the type who'd simply act mature in order to gain our parents' trust or anything… no, it was just his way of applying order!"

"Having the ability to see through people is considered a power!" the elder woman commented.

Matsumoto nodded and a hint of sadness crossed her eyes.

"But most of the times it's a pain in the butt!" Matsumoto added with a chuckle.

Toushirou watched how she lowered her eyes and stared into the nothingness. Sometimes that woman was too easy to read…

"What about your other brother? Hikaru?" his grandmother asked as she had also noticed Matsumoto's distant expression. Toushirou thanked her inside of him for that.

"Hikaru… well, he was a lot more like me. Wild, annoying, blunt and curious of everything. Osamu on the other hand always had everything under control, as if he knew when to speak and when not. Hikaru always looked up at him, while I… I was just a wild animal gone free!"

Grandmother chuckled placing her chopsticks on the table. Toushirou held a smile appear on his lips as an image of a little Matsumoto flew across his mind; a little girl with those same sparkling eyes and a face painted with pure happiness…

"Toushirou-kun used to be quite blunt himself as well compared to Momo. He still is!"

Toushirou furrowed his brows hearing now comments about him popping up. He knew this would happen…

"Tous- Hitsugaya-taicho? Blunt? Yeah, right!"

Toushirou flinched slightly and met Matsumoto's eyes who quickly looked away.

"Maybe he becomes serious and composed when he acts like a captain, but he is truly a much more complex person, Rangiku-chan!"

Toushirou felt like standing up and grabbing Matsumoto to leave at once before his grandma would reveal any other inappropriate details about his personality. Especially to Matsumoto…

She had almost called him by his first name…

Toushirou had to look at her again, but she seemed to be determined to avoid him.

"I'm sure about that!" Matsumoto pointed out and she smiled softly.

"Oh really?" Toushirou joked suddenly and, finally, she looked up at him. He didn't care that he had just risked taking this conversation farther than what he wanted. He simply wanted to look into her eyes, to make her acknowledge him, because she had – almost had- called him by his first name…

"Everyone knows that much, captain!"

_Captain_…

Why did it feel suddenly strange to hear this word addressing him now…

Toushirou realized what he was doing and as he made himself remember that his grandmother was also present he drew his gaze away from his lieutenant to focus on his cup of tea. His heartbeat covered all other sounds in his ears.

"Keiko-chan brought those watermelons this morning. I told her that you'd come today." Grandmother said. Toushirou placed his cup on the table and straightened his back as he looked at the juicy, red flesh of the fruit slices.

It was a rather strange feeling having Matsumoto with him in this house by the woman who had offered him a home and watched him grow up. Whenever he came back here the haori over his shoulders was nothing but a piece of fine cloth, and the symbol of his Division on his back was nothing but a symbol; a number…

Here, under this roof, in front of his grandmother he was nothing more than a boy, and that feeling was always deliberating, as if his own body took advantage of that ease his mind was letting himself into as he relived those innocent years of his past. It was not as being two different people, instead what felt to be changing was his surroundings and the people around him.

There was the world of Junrinan district and there was the world of Seireitei…

In the one world he was a troubled boy who wondered why fate had erased his past from him while the others all talked and treasured their real families and homes, and in the other world he was that cold, mature captain in a boy's body who could take the hardest decisions in any life-threatening situation others couldn't and had let himself grow deep feelings towards his own lieutenant…

And now, that woman who had changed the course of life in the one world was here, sitting, smiling and talking in his other world…

But Matsumoto had appeared into his life long before he set foot in Seireitei and she had become a part of his life before he even considered dividing his world into two halves. It was like she was the center of this half-cut circle. The point where all radius met…

How could his world turn around one woman… that sounded like a very naïve thing to even think of, so why did it feel like the right thing to conclude in…

"That's crazy!" he muttered silently to himself and grabbed a slice of watermelon.

Even if that little voice of logic muttered those words to him, the decision to fight for what had started to develop between them felt too beautiful to defy. For once he didn't want to turn his back to this opportunity that offered him happiness. He wanted to take the risk and step onto the unspoken rules and laws of Seireitei, and at that moment he couldn't care less as he actually liked the idea of doing so…

Yes… he would fight for this.

And he looked into her shaded by thick lashes eyes and let his own reveal to her that pile of emotions rushing through him; excitement with fear, determination with a hint of hesitation, but above all happiness…

He wanted her of all people to know that…

The afternoon passed by quickly as his grandmother started telling stories of her own previous life in the Human world. Toushirou had heard most of them before, but there was always something new revealed. And since he had no memories of his own, he started placing himself into those memories and wondered what his life really had been. If his biological family was also farmers like his grandmother or Matsumoto's mother. If he also had siblings like Matsumoto with whom he'd play all day long, do pranks to the neighbours or compete with his friends who'd climb up the tree the highest…

Was his home by the sea or surrounded by mountains…

Did he even _have _a home…

Toushirou found himself sighing silently feeling like going through a déjà vu. As if everything was repeating itself; not the environment and the people around him but those exact thoughts and those exact feelings emerging inside of him in that perfect row that always led him into a shrinking room. Four walls imprisoned him and showed him images of a life that was not his. These images were made of everyone's stories of the past he knew; of Hinamori, of his grandmother, of Matsumoto, of his subordinates.

It was like going through someone else's photo-album and trying hard to imagine and place your own face into the photographs…

Toushirou rubbed his forehead not listening anymore to Matsumoto's and his grandmother's lively conversation. He heard some scattered words like birthdays and strawberries and elves of the rice paddies, but the only meaning they held right now for him was jealousy and anger.

His past consisted only of hostile glares, distance from the people around him and a vast field of snow and ice…

And without even trying to control it, Toushirou let himself dive back into this memory, there where he had seen Hyourinmaru in his majestic dragon form made of ice for the first time. It was the only place he felt familiar with as he could easily calm down his wild thoughts by simply staring into the white nothingness.

It was so cold he could actually feel it; like millions of needles shooting through his skin again and again. The sky was covered in a pale, white fog while the icy snow crunched under his every step letting small footprints appear behind him. A lonely trail of footprints in the vast field of ice…

Hyourinmaru was not here…

Toushirou searched around him clenching his fists wishing he would be here since this was the inside of his soul, the world where Hyourinmaru resided… but he was not…

He ran with all his might feeling the dry coldness make his throat and lungs ache, but he had to find him. He had to ask him if he knew…

Hyourinmaru was a part of him. He was born with him even if he only realized his existence many years later in the afterlife. But if indeed he had been with him from the beginning it meant that he could _know_, or at least have a clue of that absent past of his was like; if he had forgotten because he died in such a young age, or if he had forgotten because something terrible had happened… Was he murdered or was it a natural death… Did he have a home and a family…

Toushirou brushed his short hair backwards and pulled them slightly as he gritted his teeth wondering what made him so angry and impatient all of a sudden… Was it really the stories of his grandmother's and Matsumoto's previous lives that had awakened this burning itching in his chest… He could always control himself and his thoughts so where did this all come from…

How did he end up inside his own soul in the first place…

And why wasn't Hyourinmaru here…

Suddenly a thump echoed from his left. He quickly turned towards that direction but saw nothing but white blankets of snow and fog. He tried to listen closely not taking his eyes off that direction. His feet moved instinctively towards the invisible source of that single thump, but the more he run everything stayed the same; white, empty and distant.

"Damn you!" he grunted under his breath feeling his fingers and toes grow numb.

The thump echoed once more but this time from his right. He frowned noticing that his exhales created small clouds warming up his lips and nose slightly.

"Hyourinmaru!" Toushirou growled cupping his mouth.

A deep silence followed as if his own shout had been drowned in an instant by the vastness of this place.

"Hyourinmaru!" he shouted again and kicked some snow with his foot. When he looked down he noticed that the snow he had kicked had exposed the ground. But it was no normal ground, bare and wet as it should be under the snow. Instead it was covered with lush, reborn grass which colour came in great contrast with the pale whiteness of the place. He shoved more snow putting a great force to break it and slowly under that thick cloak of snow a beautiful spring field was revealed.

Scattered between the thin leaves of grass were small flower buds. Toushirou kneeled and started digging through the snow with his bare hands unable to comprehend with the fact that all this time, in the world of his mind, there was a hidden layer of spring beneath that endless, soulless world of winter. His hands started aching so much he could barely move his fingers, but he could still just cup the snow and throw it away.

Panting he halted and brushed drops of sweat from his forehead when he had dag out some few square meters of that green field with the identical flower buds. He sank in the pile of snow he had created and hit his fist into it hard grunting with frustration.

"Hyourinmaru…" he whispered with a trembling voice.

Something was not right…

Something felt out of place; it was not the green field under the snow, or those thumps that had echoed before. It was Hyourinmaru's absence…

Why was he not inside of him…

"Captain?"

Toushirou flinched and stood up in a matter of a millisecond scanning around. He was alone.

"Hey, captain!"

It was Matsumoto's voice…

"Matsumoto…" he muttered and looked up in the sky which was suddenly darkened by a shadow, as if a great, big cloud had appeared out of thin air.

"Hyourinmaru?" Toushirou wondered, but the shadow was too round and massive for it to be a dragon.

"Damm!"

…

"Toushirououou!" I growled shaking simultaneously Hitsugaya-taicho's shoulders when he finally snapped out of it blinking his eyes many times before adjusting his eyes on mine.

He was panting and when I met his eyes I noticed a void in them. My hands left him and I felt my lips part seeing the most distant look I had ever witnessed, as if the captain I had known for more than hundred years was suddenly absent…

"Hitsugaya-taicho?" I asked just so I could receive a confirmation that it was him and sooth that wild beating of fear in my chest.

My white-haired captain brushed a palm over his face and sighed loudly looking away from me and a deep frown shadowed his half-lidded eyes.

"I'm sorry…" he muttered, his voice deeper than usual.

"Are you-"

"Excuse me." He said and stood up walking away from us.

I was about to follow, but Ren-san touched my hand gently motioning me to stay. I reluctantly sat back on my futon as I watched my small captain leave the house disappearing into the afternoon sun.

I furrowed my brows feeling incapable of anything. I had no idea what had happened. It all had occurred so fast I had barely noticed anything but that blank stare of his into the flickering fire and that feeling of cold rushing over my skin.

It was a sensation I hadn't experienced since our last mission in the Human world when we received our _Gigai_ from Urahara-san. It had been Hitsugaya-taicho's _reiatsu_ and Ren-san had started trembling. Her eyes immediately shifted towards her adopted grandson and I saw fear carved on her deeply wrinkled face…

I sighed feeling helpless and linked my palms on my lap.

"What happened?" I wondered still staring at the open door through which Hitsugaya-taicho had disappeared.

"Let him be. For now!" Ren-san said sounding so calm that made me wonder if she was the least concerned, but when I glanced at her I saw a small tear escape the corner of her pale, blue eye.

"I've… never felt this _reiatsu_ since-!"

"Yes… me too!" Ren-san nodded and shifted her small legs on her futon to sit closer to the fire.

"Shall I bring more woods?" I asked feeling pity for that small woman who would definitely feel a lot more helpless than me right now.

"No, dear! Something so trivial won't hurt me!"

I gave a sad smile and darted back to the open door. My legs wanted to stand up and run after him, but something held me back. Perhaps it was my ignorance of what was going on in my captain's head, but… I would never find out unless I asked him…

Ever since we had arrived here, he had been very quiet, whereas I … well, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut, but… was it something I had said that made him so upset…

All we had been talking was about the art of growing rice, and which herbs spice up better which vegetables, things I had learnt in my previous life…

And that's when it struck me what could have possibly happened.

"_I don't have something to miss…"_ he had said to me last night, there on the rooftop watching over our colleagues enjoying the little get-together my captain had planned.

He had asked me what I missed most from my previous life… and I had so irresponsibly been talking about nothing else than my previous life today; stories of my adventures with my brothers, about the numerous abilities of my dear grandmother whom Ren-san could represent perfectly, although Ren-san was more straight-forward while my grandma preferred talking with riddles and strange myths that I sometimes guessed she made them up.

What was I thinking…

"It's my fault, Ren-san." I muttered feeling my voice powerless as the guilt rushed through me like an ice cold wave.

The elder woman gave me a glance as she sipped her second cup of green tea.

"Some things catch up with us eventually. This would happen one day, Rangiku-chan."

I looked at her with a worried frown clenching my fists.

"What do you mean?"

"As I said before, he's a much more complex person than anyone thinks. Perhaps even you! But just having someone who believes in him will definitely help him face it." she gave me a hopeful smile.

"You're talking about his past, aren't you?"

Ren-san nodded as her eyes looked into the small fire.

"This is why everyone kept away from him. Especially the other children. They could tell that something was missing from him, that something didn't match up. I was often asked where I had found him and why was I watching over him. They were afraid of him, because he was so different from the other children."

"Why?" I wondered.

She looked at me with a serious expression that made me miss a couple of heartbeats.

"You felt what I felt, didn't you?"

"The cold…"

"Imagine feeling this way every time you go near him. The others were not used to such a powerful aura, so they avoided him. It's a feeling compared to standing on the path of a great beast which you know will eat you alive. Anyone would simply avoid this. It's pure instinct."

"But he was just a child back then!" I spoke up feeling my nails dig through the skin of my palms.

"Rangiku-chan, the people of Rukongai rarely come face to face with what you call_ reiatsu_ and which we call aura. Some emit a warm and comfortable aura, others a hostile one, like Toushirou-kun's. He has been giving out this aura ever since I found him and perhaps ever since he came in Soul Society. I've never encountered one like him before, and I'm sure no one else in Junrinan district has as well." The elder woman sighed deeply shifting her eyes back towards the fire. "Whether a child or an adult, when the aura they emit is such that our senses characterize as dangerous, then it is only natural to act this way."

I frowned feeling my patience grow thin.

"But you did not, so why is it impossible for others to do so too?" I grunted under my breath and looked away from her. "If you could see the way they looked at him in the market place, you… you would also want to punch their arrogant faces!"

Ren-san chuckled.

"I need to find him, Ren-san!" I said. "I promised to him that-" my words lingered in the air as that vast void inside his usually glimmering, dark turquoise eyes was still painted behind my eyelids.

"I should have followed him from the start." I said with an accusing tone to myself and I finally ran after him.

…

Toushirou felt Matsumoto's flickering _reiatsu_ and she appeared right behind him on the rooftop with a surrounding view of west Rukongai.

"Matsumoto…" he whispered and like the welcoming warmth that arrives with dawn, her arms wrapped from behind locking him inside her beautiful, protective and caring embrace.

He felt her warm exhale on the top of his head and her arms tightened around him more, but he didn't mind. He simply let himself find peace in this moment.

The coldness and the emptiness inside of him slowly faded away. The fog disappeared into thin air and a clear blue sky opened up behind his eyelids. He squeezed his eyes harder and gradually, under his feet, the snow melted into crystal water which was immediately sucked through the ground. The animate grass caressed his bare feet and as he kneeled and touched the shut flower buds with his fingertips, they started moving as if a breeze which he could not feel flowed above them telling him that they were there. They were alive…

Matsumoto's warm exhale reached his ear and then his neck as she lowered her head to lean her chin on his shoulder. Toushirou raised his hands to cup hers in front of his chest and rubbed his index fingers on her warm wrists. He could feel her soft heartbeat through them and they even synchronized with the rhythm the flower buds started popping open in the world of his mind.

The whiteness had long disappeared and before him extended the greenest, most beautiful spring field he had seen. It was like waking up from the most peaceful sleep, like having reached the end of the darkest tunnel, like hearing that inner part of your soul speak to you and reveal to you the name you have been long anticipating to hear…

_A clearance of mind so great it could overcome the darkest thoughts…_

"Hitsugaya-taicho…" Matsumoto's gentle voice broke beside his ear. He tightened his hands around hers wanting to show her his gratitude for having her in his life…

"Whatever your past holds, I will make sure you will have a better future awaiting you! We _will_ make memories together!" she whispered to him.

The flowers that emerged from their protective leaves had a pale purple shade with lighter pink edges. Each flower had four long petals forming a cross and they grew fast taller and taller now reaching his ankles. As he watched he heard Matsumoto's promises of a happy future and they grew to reach his knees until they soon became huge with their broad four petals hiding the sun and filtering the light to make it look purple and pink.

He looked up seeing now a purple sky and a smile appeared on his face. His hands grabbed the stems of two huge flowers which were now as tall as him and they both started glowing under his touch with a pale, morning blue gleam.

"Hyourinmaru…" he whispered to himself inside his inner world and an echoing growl like a beast's purr covered the silence in response…

"Matsumoto… thank you for saving me." He whispered to her.

"Saving you?" she wondered in an undertone. He felt her scent create swirling ribbons in the sky of his inner world…

"You showed me the way to a place where I was not feared and where I could learn to control my _reiatsu_… You…" he stopped and swallowed with difficulty.

Matsumoto noticed and she raised her head and walked beside him to look him in the eye. A genuine smile appeared on her blushed face.

"Does it mean that we're even then?" she chuckled.

Toushirou frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"It's a long story, Hitsugaya-taicho!" she grinned.

Toushirou chuckled as well rubbing the back of his neck feeling his head heavy with all those revelations that had occurred in such a short time.

Matsumoto touched his chin with her hand and let him look deep into her diamond eyes. The tiny, swirling rays of light blue in her silvery gray irises resembled the sparkles of Hyourinmaru's ice body under the sun that shone bright in his inner world.

"Never forget that the moon is two sided, although we are only able to see the one side. These people, they are blind because they pay attention only to what they see… but I can see more. So can your grandmother, and Hinamori. Even Kyoraku-san and Ukitake-taicho. They have met a better you! Don't let those stares upset you, because you should only feel pity about them… for not seeing all those beautiful things I see right now in you."

Her warm palm stroked his jaw line and his cheek. He sighed and his lips curved into a faint, but true smile.

"I _am_ the luckiest lieutenant, because Hitsugaya Toushirou is my captain!" she whispered to him making him skip a million heartbeats hearing his first name sound so beautiful coming from her lips…

…

* * *

**Good evening everyone!**

**Thank you soooooo much for your beautiful reviews, i'm so happy you like it that much and it's such a magical feeling to know that so many people enjoy this as much as i do ^_^**

**Well, about this chapter: if you think this is getting too strange or anything please say so! having Toushirou have such doubts and fears about his past was something i've planning on writing from the beginning, since -i think- there is no real mention on his previous life. Correct me if i'm mistaken... i'll have to make a deep research on this one...**

**Hopefully you enjoyed this :)**

**Take care and THANK YOU ALL!**


	22. My Captain

My Captain...

"What?"

"Don't act like you didn't hear me, Hitsugaya-taicho!" I mumbled and pressed my lips together as I blew air in my mouth causing my cheeks to expand.

Hitsugaya-taicho watched me with a questioning frown.

"Just because you managed _bankai _in the last mission isn't enough of an excuse for a _week-off_! Some time you will have to return back to your duties!" he tried to sound serious, but I could see he couldn't concentrate his best as I made different faces. When I finally felt my cheeks ready to burst I blew loudly and then began whistling and clicking my tongue to some random melody that came into my head…

"A weeeek-off! That sounds terrrrific!" I joked and laughed.

Hitsugaya-taicho grunted under his breath looking away furiously.

I sighed silently and furrowed my brows as I looked down at him.

"Oh come on! All I'm asking is a couple of hours of your precious time! Nothing more!"

"Matsumoto, let me make this clear to you! I'm… I don't…!" he brushed his palm over his frustrated face looking suddenly nervous.

I tried to restrain a smile emerging with how cute he looked when he did this face.

"I'll try not to, Hitsugaya-taicho!" I assured him, having realized that he feared I was taking advantage of this newly developed relationship of ours. "I'm just your lieutenant who cares about your well-being, and right now my opinion is that you need some time off that damn desk and away from the barracks! You'll have all morning tomorrow to catch up with whatever stupid paper-stuff you have to catch up…" I met his furrowed gaze and gave him a simple smile. "An hour before sundown! That's all the time I need from you!"

Hitsugaya-taicho looked away at once with a deep blush.

I had given him _that_ smile…

"Why sundown?" he asked in an undertone.

I raised an eyebrow with that strange question of his, since I had actually prepared more excuses and ways to persuade him thinking he'd act stubborn and _mature_ denying my proposition for another little excursion. That fact really threatened to bring a wider smile on my face, but I fought it.

"Because it is the most beautiful time of the day!" I replied grinning.

"I believe… dawn is the most beautiful time of the day…" he muttered.

I glanced at him but he was staring far away from this world. His thoughts were almost visible like ribbons of compressed air floating above his head and being drifted with the humid breeze. The light of the day turned dimmer as we made our way back to the West Gate and Seireitei following small roads away from the crowded market street, which was buzzing even at this hour.

His eyes had turned a darker tint almost reaching the deep ocean blue with those little swirls of bright teal around his expanded pupils. That void I had witnessed previously at Ren-san's home was an empty shadow which still popped up behind my eyelids everytime I blinked, like a reminder of that complexity Ren-san had spoken of that described Hitsugaya-taicho's hidden, troubled past…

It even reminded me of the emptiness of the flickering flames inside the unforgotten souls' eye-sockets. Although bright and wild, those little flames covered the vast hollowness of those souls, because they were nothing but spiritual beings made of unforgotten memories and unforgotten pain of those that still lived to remember…

For a moment which could have lasted for hours I had seen that in Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes…

As if he had left us… as if he had left me…

The relief that had flooded my insides is indescribable the moment I saw that glance in his eyes again when he had returned to me…

"Why?"

Hitsugaya-taicho slowly turned to look up at me.

"Why what?"

"Why do you prefer dawn?"

Hitsugaya-taicho shrugged and kicked a pebble on the ground with his foot. It rolled away following a small crack in the hard dirt until it hit the stony steps of a house. The scent of oil lamps and fire reached my nostrils and a dog barked from a small, wooden dog-house hidden in an alley. Its yellow eyes glowed in the semi-dark of the alley and it approached us swinging its fluffy tail.

I leaned to stroke it, but it started running around our feet playfully.

"It's supposed to be cold. And the colours are more… unusual." Hitsugaya-taicho said after some silent minutes in which we stroked the energetic dog in turns.

I smiled softly and caught a glimpse of smile on his lips as well. Suddenly my fingertips remembered his warmth…

Either he tried to act all cute to me in order to get his own way, or… I had become too sensitive with his every expression, with every look of his and with every tiny, little hint of curving of his beautiful, soft lips…

And since I knew my captain too well, I knew it was the latter!

"So, what you're saying is that you prefer going out with me at dawn, is it?" I chuckled. The brown dog with white spots on its back sniffed my palm for the hundredth time and licked it.

I noticed Hitsugaya-taicho flinch slightly from the corners of my eyes.

"Matsumoto!"

"I'm not kidding!" I warned him and our eyes met.

This time he didn't look away, instead he frowned deeper.

"You are the blunt one!" he said shaking his head as if he was regretting for getting himself into this.

"Someone has to, or else none of us would know where we stand!"

"Why wouldn't we? We made _it_ clear this morning, didn't we?" he said. I frowned having lost him.

"Ehm…"

Hitsugaya-taicho blew loudly from his mouth glancing down at his feet and he moved forward. I followed him, and so did the happy dog, but when we turned around the corner he disappeared. The wall with the silvery glow that surrounded Seireitei became visible before our eyes.

"Captain! I'd appreciate it if you could explain yourself!" I said grinning nervously.

"I'm talking about _this_, Matsumoto!" he grunted and pointed his forefinger once at himself and then at me for a couple of times. I widened my eyes in response.

"Ah, _this_! Right…"

"We did, didn't we?"

"Make it clear?" I wondered.

"Yes!" he sighed impatiently and walked ahead with clenched fists.

"Did we?" I touched my forefinger on my lips and looked up at the sky.

_Did we…_

That captain is really driving me crazy here…

Hitsugaya-taicho turned quickly around, but I didn't notice he had halted so I bumped into him. His face landed on my bosom and he tripped backwards almost falling over. He gritted his teeth turning so red I couldn't suppress a laugh this time.

"_Matsu-_!"

"Heeeeey!" a loud, deep and hoarse voice made our ears go deaf for a long moment.

Hitsugaya-taicho and I followed the direction of that familiar voice with a frowned look to see the dark figure of the Guardian slouching beside the gigantic gate holding a very big umbrella over his head with colourful blossoms painted on it. Ikkanzaka Jidanbo was a huge, muscular man with a small, red hat with golden tassels on each side on his black, braided hair, lying against the thick, enormous walls that surrounded Seireitei. He was the Guardian of the West Gate and, I had heard from Kyoraku-san, he used to be a seated soldier of the 7th Division.

Jidanbo waved at us with a wide grin.

"Oi! And I was wondering when you'd be back! All of Seireitei has been searching for you two lovebirds!"

Both Hitsugaya-taicho and I froze in our steps and exchanged nervous, blushed looks gapping.

"Who-has-been… searching us?" I stuttered not sure how that big man had concluded into this.

"Well, sweet Hinamori-chan and her pineapple friend, Abarai-san." Jidanbo said shutting his big umbrella and placing it beside the wall.

Standing up he was at least seven times my height, but still he didn't even reach half of the West Gate. His small, slanted eyes darted down at us and a wide, mischievous grin appeared on his face.

"We were invited by Hitsugaya-taicho's grandmother. Why are you say-!"

"There's no need to explain ourselves, Matsumoto!" Hitsugaya-taicho broke me off crossing his arms in front of his chest. "We had a day-off and that's it. Now let's get back, before Hinamori comes up with any other weird ideas!"

I placed my hands on my hips not moving from my spot as Hitsugaya-taicho approached Jidanbo.

"But… we're not half way through the list, cap-!"

Hitsugaya-taicho glared at me over his shoulder.

"Let's go back, Matsumoto! We've had enough of fooling around as it is!"

My heart sank that moment and I noticed that coldness in his darker eyes, one I hadn't seen for quite some time. Perhaps I had got used to the lively look he gave me ever since we came… closer, although it hadn't been that long since. It was his cold, strict glare he used when he was really, madly irritated and impatient about something, or with someone.

I wondered whether he was acting that look, considering that Jidanbo had just called us lovebirds, but still…

That list inside my uniform was filled with ideas of making this white-haired captain a little more relaxed and happy, just so I could see him smile genuinely. But now he simply cut that wish of mine right through the middle and tossed it in the dirt…

_Fooling around_…

He had to be joking, or else that meant that all that had happened today was just a lie.

It couldn't be…

I found myself staring back into his eyes as he looked at me and the air grew thinner while my limbs felt cold from the inside. I sighed silently hoping all my sudden worries would leave me with the exhale.

Hitsugaya-taicho turned to face me and I noticed his strict frown grow into a worried one.

"What…" he began but he stopped glancing away for a brief moment before giving me a guilty look. "I messed up again, didn't I?" he asked concerned in an undertone. Jidanbo had become a simple shadow beside us as my world consisted only of that white-haired Shinigami…

I shook my head feeling uneasy with my gloomy reaction.

"Perhaps we had too much of excitement for today!" I whispered so that only he could hear me. I tried to smile, but perhaps I failed as he grabbed my hand. My face warmed up and then I suddenly remembered that Jidanbo was not a shadow but a talking and rather talkative Shinigami.

"Captain…" I glanced at the frowning Jidanbo but Hitsugaya-taicho shrugged as if telling me that he didn't mind. That made my heart flutter and my skin crave for his touch…

"So… shall I open this damn gate or not?" Jidanbo broke the silence.

"Shhh!" we both shushed him and the giant man raised his brows in surprise and walked away.

"I'm sorry-!"

"No, no! What for? I'm just too sensitive with such stuff. I do take everything rather personally, when I…" I paused and chuckled nervously brushing my hair backwards.

"What's next on that list then?" he crossed his arms.

"Oh, no, no! Let's head back-!"

"I asked what's next on that list of yours!" he insisted and the one corner of his lips curved slightly.

"You really want to know?" I asked him feeling all fine again with that expression of his. If only we weren't standing in the middle of the street right in front of Jidanbo I would have cupped his beautiful face and planted the biggest kiss on those curving lips of his…

But instead I pulled out that scribbled piece of paper with the _To do list with cute Hitsugaya-taicho!_ from my cleavage, my eyes immediately falling on the one crossed sentence at the end of the it.

"Shopping!" I announced with a wide grin reading the sentence above the crossed one.

Hitsugaya-taicho furrowed his white brows his eyes shifting towards the list.

"That's boring!" he muttered.

"Underwear shopping!" I added and waited to see his expression, but he simply looked at me with that irritated frown.

"Underwear?"

"Yap! I need new ones! Maybe you can give me your opinion as well!"

"Why do _I_ have to give you my opinion?" he asked, his voice hoarse with impatience.

"Because for once I need a man's opinion!"

Hitsugaya-taicho's blush grew deeper and I couldn't fight a smile. Not because I was making him probably feel uncomfortable, but because in a mere second everything that had made me mad and depressed a minute ago, now had faded into thin air.

"Take Jidanbo!" Hitsugaya-taicho pointed at the gigantic Shinigami-Guardian.

"Huh?" Jidanbo wondered with surprise.

"Are you shy?"

"Are you insane?"

"No! I desperately need new underwear!" I smiled mischievously.

"You desperately need new brains!" he shot back pointing at his temple.

"That's mean, captain!"

"And it's rude and improper to ask a man to accompany a woman to an underwear shop!"

"Consider it a professional mission and you'll simply give me a professional opinion!"

"What?" Hitsugaya-taicho gritted his teeth sighing helplessly. "Matsumoto, stop acting this way!"

Suddenly he sounded serious and I felt my heart sink inside of me.

"What way?"

"_This_ way!"

I lifted my head slightly and made a step closer to my captain, feeling the heat increasing in my body, and wondered for a moment if it was indeed because of anger or because of… something else…

"Is it bothering you?"

"Matsumoto!" Hitsugaya-taicho growled in an undertone, and I noticed that beautiful colour of his eyes draw me in a way it felt so irresistible for a moment, making everything else around me become nothing but part of a blurry background, and then I noticed that I had leaned a little too close to him.

But it felt right… I wanted to lean closer… and closer until…

"Matsumoto…" his lips moved, but I hardly heard his deep voice as I was still lingering in that half-awake trance of mine.

Why did it feel right, when it was wrong…

"Captain! I'm… I'm sorry!" I muttered and quickly glanced at Jidanbo wondering if he had caught up with what had almost happened, but he simply stared dumbfounded, with his colorful, paper umbrella on the ground beside him.

"Luuuvbirds!" Jidanbo started whistling and sat back on the ground and leaned his back on the wall. The last sunrays slowly disappeared behind the forest of West Rukongai giving its way to the chilly, humid night. The sky dressed in a pale orange becoming grayish-petrol over the east.

Hitsugaya-taicho gave Jidanbo a killer glance before looking back at me and grabbed once more my hand. His thumb brushed against the skin of my wrist and he looked at me with a calm and serious expression. Everytime his thumb touched my skin over and over again a chill run down my spine…

"I'm sorry we missed today's sundown." He muttered.

I caught myself holding my breath feeling his warm touch. I had missed it so much and it made me wonder why I hadn't been searching for it before the time I could even consider thinking of my captain this way…

"No worries!" I smiled softly. "Besides there are more days to come! You won't get rid of me so easily…" we exchanged quick looks and I chuckled. He simply shook his head and turned around, but I was definitely sure he had hidden a smile from me as he did.

"Jidanbo, please open the gate!" Hitsugaya-taicho spoke to the giant who nodded and slowly stood up. Jidanbo dug his fingers in the ground and pressed his fleshy lips together as he pushed with all his might to lift that gigantic gate. A loud shriek covered all as the metallic hinges shook dangerously with the force Jidanbo put to open the heavy, wooden gate.

Slowly the gap widened to reveal the night hugging like a cloak the Court of _Pure _Souls and the Soukyoku hill before us.

Hitsugaya-taicho turned to look at me as he stood beside me, my hand in his…

"Would you like… to meet with me at dawn?" he asked. I was not sure if I indeed saw a glance in his eyes as he was observing me, but I did feel his thumb rub my skin gentler.

Suddenly I felt my voice too weak to speak without revealing my anxiety and the hard pounding of my heart, so I simply nodded smiling.

Hitsugaya-taicho's grip tightened around mine…

My, my…

…

* * *

**A small chapter before things get a little more filled with suspense... **

**Ren-san is Toushirou's grandmother- that's how i called her :) **

**Thanx for reading and reviewing and have a good day!**


	23. Hopes are Made of Glass

**HAPPY NEW YEAR XD**

**thank you so much for your reviews and i hope you had a beautiful holiday!**

******finally back with 2 chapters, hehe!**

**Please Enjoy... I do not own BLEACH...**

* * *

**Hopes Are Made Of Glass**

The night had covered Seireitei and the crickets had begun once more their lively song hidden in the shadows of the beautifully arranged gardens of the 10th Division. Few scattered clouds hid every once in a while the bright, silvery light of the half moon whereas the stars were barely visible in the dark horizon as they competed with the brightness of the moon in vain.

Toushirou watched his feet touching the pebbles and looked forward to each next step for the soft rustling beneath him. Matsumoto was walking in synchrony with him and the soft sound doubled in his ears.

He felt Matsumoto's eyes observing him and he thanked the fact that it was already dark since his face grew redder under her stare.

"Are you feeling tired?" he asked her and met her beautiful gaze. Her pupils were expanded in the night which made her stare look quite strange compared to her unusual, very light-blue colour that distinguished her during the day. It felt as if she was revealing to him more things about herself and, at the same time, was able to see deeper through him as well…

A bashful grin crossed her lips and she shoved a long lock behind her ear.

"A little! But it's a beautiful feeling!" she sighed looking back at him.

"Hn!" he agreed nodding and they turned around to head back to their rooms.

The silence that grew between them was anything but uncomfortable. Every now and then, as they walked alongside each other, the backs of their hands would brush slightly causing the chills to both, and just having one another by their side under this calm summer night was all they needed to end perfectly that already perfect day…

Toushirou rubbed the back of his neck smiling to himself for all he had experienced today…

One day which he had spent entirely with his beautiful lieutenant, watching her, thinking of her, observing her, kissing her in secret, talking with her like best friends, discovering in her that person that would encourage him when he would feel depressed and push him forward when he would be afraid.

Matsumoto Rangiku had become that person… and he liked it…

Inside of him he deeply regretted for beginning this day in thought of avoiding her and forget of all that had happened between them… but this had been long gone, because the same woman he had decided earlier that day to avoid, had convinced him in her own way to fight for what was beginning to develop between them…

And he would…

Toushirou stepped onto the wooden veranda that surrounded the gardens of the 10th Division forming a big square. In the distance some murmurs were audible, but in all his Division had fallen in a peaceful silence.

Suddenly, he felt Matsumoto's hand hold his and he turned around to look down at her. She had yet to step on the veranda and for the first time he found himself looking at her face to face and that caused his heart to drum in his ears while his neck and face felt hot.

Matsumoto's sparkling eyes were looking over his face and he noticed her lips part slightly. His did the same thing and slowly he leaned to bring his face closer to hers.

Matsumoto flinched a little causing Toushirou to press his lips together feeling ashamed for his sudden and irrational move.

"It's not a very good idea to… you know, _kiss here_!" she chuckled and looked down. Toushirou noticed how her fingers around his hand tightened a little as if they were telling him that she really did want him to kiss her, which brought him the urge to smile.

"If they found out… what do you think would happen?" he asked her in a deep whisper. Her eyes met his with a slight frown.

"Ehm… you're the captain! I guess… it'd be forbidden and they… well, I don't know if anyone from our Division would go out and snitch on us, but still-"

"You know that there is no specific law that states that _this _is forbidden! It's simply against common sense!" Toushirou chuckled at that and brushed his fingers through his snow-white hair.

"What do you mean?" Matsumoto asked in an undertone.

Toushirou felt his cheeks grow warmer and warmer.

"What I mean is… well… just don't pay too much attention to what everyone else may think! They might think _all_ the possible things, but as long as _this…_" he pointed towards the both of them "doesn't interfere with the way we run things in the Division, no one can go against it! If… we want to fight for what we have, let's do so…"

Matsumoto's fleshy lips broke into a wide smile.

"You mean you don't mind if they… found out about us?"

Toushirou shook his head.

"Are you sure? I'm your subordinate and-"

"Even if you were captain, things would only be more complicated, Matsumoto!" he broke her off. "But that doesn't mean that you can go out and shout it to everyone, got it?" he warned her.

Matsumoto giggled and pulled his hand so that he would lean closer as he still stood taller than her. Her hand slowly trailed over his skin, over his sleeve to land softly on his neck causing him to hold his breath.

"Hitsugaya-taicho!" she whispered, her voice so seductive and husky that made his heart jump inside his chest.

For the first time, _this_ felt neither difficult nor wrong… While before he would feel quite afraid thinking that he would do something he would definitely regret later, now it just felt right. Because he knew that if he did kiss her he would make her happy. And she would smile at him, _for_ him…

And so he did kiss her with no hint of hesitation. At first, his lips touched hers gently as if asking for her permission to proceed. Matsumoto's velvety lips cupped his in response, something that he took as a positive answer. In turns each one cupped the other's lips with slow movements, letting that sensation of perfect warmth and growing excitement become one with the flow of the tranquil night.

At the same time, Matsumoto's fingers trailed upon the bare skin of his neck which made the pace of the kiss from his part increase dangerously in an instant. But even so, Matsumoto was perfectly able to follow with his increasing demand to touch her more, feel her more. And to do so, his hands found her forearms and slid upwards to meet her shoulders which lifted with her every deep inhale and then her neck, and her dark, golden hair…

The moment his fingers dug into her silky locks, he attempted to deepen the kiss. Matsumoto flinched lightly, but her touch on him didn't flicker so he continued. But as he tried to, the fear and hesitation returned and they screamed inside his head that he had become too impatient and too hasty. Yet, Matsumoto seemed to be of the opposing opinion since she noticed his hesitation and deepened the kiss herself.

Toushirou's left hand cupped her lower jaw and his thumb rubbed gently on her warm cheek as he let her take the lead of the kiss, which made his heart beat loudly in his ears and his breathing pace reach the rates of panting.

It felt like electric waves crossing his body and making all his worrying thoughts fade into thin air, while one emotion covered all for one glimpse of a moment that caused him to halt the rushing kiss; greed for more…

Matsumoto stopped too and touched her forehead on his breathing heavily. Toushirou stroked her cheek trying to catch his own breath.

Matsumoto slowly opened her eyelids to give him the most beautiful, stunning and hypnotic gaze. He couldn't help but smile, and it felt so strange, as if his lips were not capable of doing anything else but kissing her…

Matsumoto smiled widely as her eyes darted to his mouth and back to his eyes.

"What is i-!"

Matsumoto stepped on the tips of her toes and kissed him again. Suddenly but welcomingly. Although it was a more forceful kiss than before he could feel the excitement in her quick and passionate movements, causing his breathing pace to accelerate and his heart feel like bursting from his chest.

Her hand around his neck tightened for a moment causing a burn under her touch and he tried to follow, but it was too quick. Matsumoto broke the kiss in an instant making Toushirou feel like floating on air and looked at her through half-lidded eyes.

"Mission accomplished!" she whispered into his ear and stepped onto the veranda taking off her sandals.

Toushirou felt too dizzy to comprehend with what had happened so he just followed her with his eyes frowning.

"What… are you talking about again?"

Matsumoto dug her hand into the cleavage of her uniform and took out the list and offered it to him.

He looked at it and then back at her.

"What-"

"I'm looking forward to our morning date, Hitsugaya-taicho!" he took the scribbled paper and watched as she walked away from him smiling brightly. "And when you grow tired of me, please tell me so! I'll find some ways to spice things up!" she giggled and blinked at him pulling the dark pink sash from around her shoulders waving it in the air beside her.

Toushirou remembered the time when he had been observing that thin piece of cloth floating on the surface of the hot springs when Matsumoto had disappeared slowly in the cloud of vapors before his eyes…

"We've been working together for so long, Matsumoto, and I still haven't thought of you once as boring!"

Matsumoto chuckled turning around walking away as she looked at him with a cunning smile.

"If everyone could see that smile of yours, believe me captain, you would make many hearts beat wildly!"

Toushirou blushed deeply and quickly hid his hands in his sleeves in front of his chest scanning around the sleeping Division hoping that no one was listening as Matsumoto's voice had increased dangerously. Although he had previously lectured Matsumoto to not pay attention to others' opinion about their newly developed relationship, he still preferred to keep things in secret. Just the thought of guessing what everyone would think of the beautiful lieutenant of 10th Division and him being together, like _this_, was difficult and terrifying even for him to imagine…

"Shut up!" he muttered and turned to head towards his private quarters, but he couldn't help himself and glanced at her over his shoulder.

Matsumoto had halted and was still staring at him with a genuine smile.

She was indeed a very beautiful woman… the way she stood under the dim moonlight glowing over her long, wavy hair and enshrouding her curvy, black-dressed figure made her look like a goddess originating from his deepest and unreachable dreams.

And this woman he had just kissed and touched, and, as he was looking back into her diamond eyes, he felt like the luckiest person for having that honour…

Matsumoto gave him one last, bright smile and turned around to disappear into her private rooms at the far end of the veranda. He stood there waiting until she had vanished from his sight. Only then did he feel able again to take control over his thoughts and emotions, at least to a degree to head back to his private rooms and relive the day in the privacy of his quarters…

…

It was pitch black darkness when I opened my eyes still half-living a calm and beautiful dream, which had only occurred in reality only some hours ago, and I sensed a foreign _reiatsu_ flowing in my private rooms. I bolted up and my eyes fell on a shadow that moved unlike the rest. The thin, twisted branches of a cherry tree appeared on the tatami floor, but there was one mixed in them that was definitely not a branch. It was wider, steadier, but I could not see the source of it.

My hand searched blindly for the handle of my Zanpakuto that rested on a wooden stand by my futon, but I only touched air.

My heart sank instantly and everything inside me warned me of the unwanted visitor that had crept into my quarters.

In a second I was up on my feet wrapping my kimono around my body when I met two penetrating, inhumane golden eyes. A chill so intense ran down my spine and I made a step backwards as the figure of Kurotsuchi-taicho appeared before my eyes.

I had to blink and really focus in order to make out details in the night, but all I needed to see I could see it; Kurotsuchi-taicho in my quarters holding my Zanpakuto…

I tried to keep my composure and make myself ready for any attack. Even though attacking a higher-ranked Shinigami was forbidden, I couldn't care less since not only had he entered my private rooms without invitation, he also was holding someone else's katana, let alone the fact that he was the top first of the people I disliked.

I clenched my fists when a wide, arrogant smile showed off his too white teeth.

"Would you mind taking a walk into my lab with me?" his voice was deeper than I remembered and it sounded threatening in the complete silence, except the song of the crickets echoing from the 10th Division's gardens.

"Kurotsuchi-taicho." I hissed his name with disgust.

Kurotsuchi-taicho let a deep sigh. The red handle of my Zanpakuto was only clenched between two fingers of his and he was looking at it holding it from a distance. I seriously thought of rushing towards him and grab it, but I knew it was a useless try.

I had seen Kurotsuchi-taicho in battle. Although he was not much of a combat fighter, he definitely exceeded in speed and strength compared to me. And something I could never forget was the fact that the 12th Division's captain was a scientist and so combat, incantations and _zanjutsu_ were not his only abilities…

"Yes, that's me. Do you mind now coming along? I don't have all night to-!"

"What are you doing here?" I asked in an undertone.

Kurotsuchi-taicho made a step closer and offered my Zanpakuto back to me holding it horizontally in front of him. Our eyes stayed fixed for a long moment as I hesitated to take my blade back fearing he'd trick me.

"You knew this would happen sometime, so you must have put some thought into it." he gestured the katana closer to me and I finally found the courage to take it in my hands. For some reason it felt heavier in my grip and my breathing pace slowed down. "You can come quietly or I'll pinch that anesthetic potion I carry in my pocket into you and put me in the trouble to carry you back to my lab! Make your choice, lieutenant."

I frowned and held my Zanpakuto closer to me.

Dawn was only an hour away and my heart sank as I thought of Hitsugaya-taicho. Inside I wished he would sense something was wrong, just like he had done during Kyoraku-san's party a couple of days ago, when he had saved me from Kurotsuchi-taicho's tempting and hypnotizing _reiatsu_ release.

But I knew Hitsugaya-taicho could not always take me away from trouble and keep me from danger. What kind of a lieutenant was I if I could not protect my own self…

Besides I knew Kurotsuchi-taicho had been eyeing me ever since the unforgotten souls' incident.

Maybe he had answers to give me…

But Hitsugaya-taicho… we were supposed to meet before dawn for our first real _date_…

I sighed and brushed a hand over my face wishing this was just the horrible turn of my previously calm and beautiful dream into a very vivid nightmare.

"Show the way, Kurotsuchi-taicho!" I finally said and as we crept outside into the night covering the sleeping Seireitei I glanced one last time at my beloved captain's quarters whispering an apology…

If only I had known that this action of mine based on fear towards the 12th Division's captain and my selfish reasons of finding out more about the unforgotten souls would bring such pain and sorrow to my beloved captain, I would have unsheathed my Zanpakuto and fight with all the power I possessed Kurotsuchi-taicho, even if I knew that I would have not made it…

Compared to the real pain I'd soon witness in Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes, I'd have rather ended all that night when Kurotsuchi-taicho had appeared in my quarters…

But the past is unchangeable; a lesson we all know the hard way at some time in our lives, or afterlives…

Kurotsuchi-taicho and I ran with flash steps to the southest part of Seireitei where the headquarters of 12th Division stood along with the buildings of the Research and Development Institute of Seireitei, of which Kurotsuchi Mayuri was president.

A grayish wall surrounded the low buildings, which though extended farther below the earth into numerous and complex chambers and hallways, more laboratories and even cages of living specimens Kurotsuchi-taicho was known to keep. I had never visited those parts of the 12th Division's headquarters and, honestly, it was not included in my things-to-do-before-you-die list...

When I sensed Kurotsuchi-taicho's _reiatsu_ halt I halted as well as we had reached the front gates of the Research and Development Institute. They consisted of huge, wooden sliding doors with golden squares painted on the shimmering surface of the wood, which slid open automatically as Kurotsuchi-taicho made simply a step closer to them. The doors slid open enough only for one person to walk through, so I followed the captain keeping my senses always in alert, while my grip was permanently tight around the red handle of my Zanpakuto ever since Kurotsuchi-taicho had given it back to me.

As the doors slid shut with a light clicking sound behind me, I glanced towards the east to my right seeing the sky being painted mellow gray and pale blue while the clouds that started gathering on top of the Soukyoku hill had a soft pink-lilac shade.

Right now I would have been sitting on the rooftop of my Division in my captain's arms… or that's what I hoped would happen… would _have _happened…

Maybe he would have attempted to kiss me the same confident and instinctive way he had last night when I had grabbed his hand… The remembrance of that feeling brought a shiver down my spine and for a moment I even forgot where I was and with whom…

I looked at Kurotsuchi-taicho's back who was walking calmly in front of me and I pressed my lips together trying not to guess what would happen next. Fortunately, Haineko had not shown a sign of uneasiness yet, which meant that either Kurotsuchi-taicho had somehow gained her trust when he had taken her in my ignorance, or there was simply nothing to worry about.

Hopefully…

I even tried to persuade myself that Kurotsuchi-taicho could not just kill Haineko and myself off, because that was a crime even for a captain, but just the rumours that surrounded that man and his ways of _researching_ didn't ease my fears. He was a straight and blunt man, one that would do anything to find out what he wanted. You could say that if he was not persuasive with his raw and rather rude mannerisms, he would simply begin a fight and do _anything_ to be the winner… even if it meant to sacrifice himself…

Or that's what people said…

And just some hours ago Hitsugaya-taicho had rightly said that people could think _all_ the possible things…

Maybe I was just overreacting…

Kurotsuchi-taicho and I headed into one of the northern buildings, following an artificially-lit broad hallway which was empty, but I could hear a commotion going on from below. The captain with the penetrating golden eyes glanced at me over his shoulder.

"Don't even consider running away. You agreed to come in your own free will, lieutenant." He said and gave me a fake grin.

I furrowed my brows in confusion.

"I won't."

"Good!"

We climbed down a wide staircase with stony steps on which each footstep echoed aloud in the spacious and empty place. And as we walked deeper beneath the earth the voices that I had heard before increased in volume until we reached heavy metallic doors which opened up automatically as well.

The moment the doors opened with a screech all voices ceased to be and I thought for a moment Kurotsuchi-taicho had used some incantation to make me go deaf. But I was mistaken since it was the people of the Research and Development Institute themselves that had stopped talking and making any kind of noise. I scanned the vastly spacious room which was filled with white-dressed Shinigami who were all silent doing their work, not even glancing at the newcomer.

I noticed a short raven black-haired woman who was standing the closest to us holding a big pile of folders in her hands bow in front of her captain and quickly turning the other way around to leave from our sight.

I frowned even more as I noticed everything that was taking place in this huge room. All over perfectly lined-up banks stood where piles of folders and papers laid, glass vases in which strange shadows were floating, plastic square boxes in which compressed air in different colours was swirling- something that I recognized as spiritual energy-, objects in forms of small badges or everyday things such as hear clips, rings, gloves and hats which I guessed were Gokon Tekou, which forced someone's soul out of their Gigai…

Kurotsuchi-taicho was glaring all over his subordinates as we walked between them. The silence that had drowned the previously lively and loud chamber was so depressing and uncomfortable now that made me feel as if even my own thoughts could be heard, so I tried to avoid eye-contact with anyone, although none dared to look our way fearing they'd meet Kurotsuchi-taicho's killer-glare.

All I could hear was my own breathing and it felt rather loud, so I caught myself holding my breath until we'd have crossed this too silent room…

Kurotsuchi-taicho shot one more glance at the room behind us before another metallic door opened automatically before us. It felt so liberating I could breathe again and not fear that someone might actually hear my thoughts, as much absurd as it sounded.

More stairs followed and at the middle of it we met Kurotsuchi Nemu, 12th Division's lieutenant.

The young woman stood by the cream wall with her hands linked in front of her, her dark green eyes watching her captain with no hint of fear like Kurotsuchi-taicho's other subordinates, but still there was an obvious air of inferiority in her movements. She approached us when we passed her by, bowing her head at her captain and giving me a simple glance of acknowledgement.

Through more artificially-lit hallways and smaller laboratory chambers surrounded by glass walls, we finally reached a dark chamber which was the most secured of all. It was Kurotsuchi-taicho's personal laboratory…

Nemu shut the heavy, metallic doors behind her and I tried to keep both of them in my watch since I still feared they'd do something without my approval. My grip tightened around my Zanpakuto as Kurotsuchi-taicho gestured to a chair opposite his own. A gigantic black screen stood in front of us and I noticed many books and notebooks lying open on the big, concrete desk.

"Nemu, begin the procedure!" Kurotsuchi-taicho announced, his voice echoing in the huge room which ends I could not see in the semi-darkness.

"What procedure?" I argued being forced by Kurotsuchi-taicho's glare to sit on a chair next to his own.

"To see how you awaken your _bankai_, lieutenant. That fiery show you gave us the other day on the Soukyoku hill didn't convince me much!" the captain said staring in the blank screen as his thin, long fingers typed fast on a big type-board which I was sure was not there previously.

Suddenly the majority of the room was lit by the screen in front of Kurotsuchi-taicho. Symbols and numbers started rolling down the uncomfortably big screen and the blue-haired captain scanned it from top to bottom as if searching for something. Nemu on the other hand was simply staring at me.

"What is he going to do to me?" I asked her with a deep frown.

Her emotionless face didn't even flicker when Kurotsuchi-taicho spoke.

"All you need to know is that you'll have to release your _bankai_. Don't avoid it and don't force it."

"_What_? I don't understand!"

The captain finally glared at me and I felt as if being tied with chains on the chair.

"Were you in grave danger when you were left behind in the _Trash_ world?" he asked.

Details of that day flashed in my mind and the image of Haineko unable to react made my heart sink.

"Haineko was." I replied gravely.

"So you instinctively let your spiritual energy gather up to reach _bankai_ level."

"I gue-"

"Was it the same as what you showed us on the Soukyoku hill?" he asked looking back at the screen with a frown over his inhumane, golden eyes.

"I'm… not sure. Why?"

"Was it the same, Nemu?" the man asked without looking away from the glowing screen.

"No, Mayuri-sama. The spiritual energy being released during both times is different. It was greater and more unstable during the mission in the Human world." The black-haired lieutenant replied in monotone.

"Both times Haineko transformed into a flaming cat. There were ashes and everything around her melted." I said trying to remember details, but I found it hard since those memories were nothing but blurry clouds compared to the still vivid image of that one unforgotten soul in the form of my father…

"This is not helping, lieutenant. I have to _see_ what happened to you in the _Trash_ world." Kurotsuchi-taicho looked back at me with a cunning grin. "And to do that I need to enter you head."

I felt the air grow thinner around me.

"How… are you going to do that?" I gasped.

"You'll go to sleep, have a nice dream, while you'll be guiding us to that specific time. It will feel like a dream to you, but it will be a true memory of yours!" he chuckled which sounded like a squeak and I glanced at my Zanpakuto.

"Will Haineko feel anything… unpleasant?"

"What a silly question that is? Of course it will. Everyone's Zanpakuto is one's part of their soul. What do they teach kids nowadays at the Academy…" the captain walked away to disappear behind the huge screen while Nemu wasn't taking her eyes off of me.

"No need to be afraid, Matsumoto-san!" Nemu whispered to me and, to my surprise, I noticed a hint of a gentle smile on her lips before she walked away from me when Kurotsuchi-taicho appeared again glaring at his lieutenant.

He was holding a silver little object in his hands which he handed me without giving me a second glance.

It felt quite heavy compared to its small size which was half the length of my pinky and it had the shape of an old key.

"Follow me, Matsumoto-san." Nemu called for me and, exchanging a glance with the blue-haired captain, I followed her. She had opened a smaller door that led into a dark room and I was told to enter. I hesitated not being able to see my own hand, but Nemu gave me a compassionate grin and with a deep breath I entered, holding Haineko and having hidden that heavy, silver key in the inner pocket of my kimono.

"When you reach the memory we're looking for, take out the key and flip it in your hand." Nemu said.

The darkness seemed to swallow every little glimpse of light so I could barely distinguish Nemu's silhouette to the background.

"Flip it?"

"Yes. This way we will know we have reached the correct memory."

I nodded and felt my heart beat faster and faster as Nemu closed the door and let me drown into this endless darkness. I tried to stay calm and not think of a very angry and disappointed Hitsugaya-taicho…

Things had not gone as planned, but I could explain to him everything later. I couldn't wait to get this over with, since Kurotsuchi-taicho had been determined to analyze my _bankai_ since we returned from the Human world.

I sighed and sat down on the cold, concrete floor and my eyelids slowly closed…

…

Toushirou made himself ready, packed his futon and grabbed his sandals to make his way on top of the rooftop of his quarters where he would meet his lieutenant. He halted by the sliding doors and threw one last glance at his folded haori that lied on the shelf in the corner of the dark room.

This would be their first formal date, and he would do so as Hitsugaya Toushirou, not as the 10th Division's captain…

His Zanpakuto was resting on a stand by the wall, but he would not need it. All he needed was to see her, especially after reading that ridiculous, but flattering _To do list with cute Hitsugaya-taicho! _list she had given him. Still he smiled remembering the last sentence of that list, which she had crossed, and with one flash step he landed on the rooftop and gazed at the pale colours covering the sky, while a fog of vapors floated nonchalantly over the tall towers and the buildings of Seireitei. It looked as if entire Seireitei was a gigantic hot spring and the cloak of vapors a ghost which whispered to him the words he once feared to speak to Matsumoto…

Toushirou wondered whether things would have stayed the same if they had not left for that last mission in the Human world, where Matsumoto reached _bankai_ level. And because she had reached _bankai,_ Gotei 13 considered her as suitable for the 3rd Division's captain's seat. If that had not happened, he would have not thought of a life without her and realize the importance she hold for him…

His eyes shifted towards the sliding doors of Matsumoto's private rooms and waited feeling his heartbeat race and his thoughts spin fast in his head: reliving the previous day with her, their secret kiss in the Kuchiki mansion, her damp, golden locks falling on her smooth neck, her arms around him offering him the warmth of protection and care, her deep voice whispering his name…

A flock of sparrows returned back in the tall pine tree and were singing loudly to welcome the new day. The colours of Soul Society became brighter and more vivid as the first sunrays appeared from behind the Soukyoku hill that stood in the middle of Seireitei making it glow majestically. The last stars flickered faintly, and the shadows of the night faded away, but still there was no sign of Matsumoto…

Toushirou frowned and examined his surroundings guessing that she would surprise him, but everything was too quiet and peaceful. At once, fear covered his senses and he quickly ran to his rooms, grabbed his Zanpakuto and with a single flash step landed in front of Matsumoto's doors.

He halted and hid in the shadows, pressing his ear on the thin walls trying to distinguish any sound from inside. Maybe she had overslept, or maybe it was just her twisted way of telling him that _her_ favourite time of the day was not dawn, but he knew she would never stand him up this way…

Toushirou unsheathed his Zanpakuto and instantly slid the doors open with his other hand to witness an empty room.

Toushirou held his breath and entered making not a single sound.

There was no sign that something bad had happened. Her futon was still lying on the tatami floor, her clothes untidily piled up in a corner and the stand of her Zanpakuto empty beside the window that had a view towards the north.

"Matsumoto?" Toushirou called calmly.

He tried to sense her _reiatsu_ but there was only that flickering part that always lingered in her private rooms as well as their office, but Matsumoto herself was definitely not here. Yet an obvious but feeble trace floated in-between and, realizing immediately whom it belonged to, Toushirou gritted his teeth and fled towards the 12th Division's headquarters…

…


	24. Time Forgets

**Time Forgets...**

A journey to my past…

Would it be a journey into my previous life, or one into my second life; the years I begged for food alongside Gin, the years I was daydreaming of a life in the Court of _Pure _Souls, the years I trained to become a Shinigami, the never-ending nights I cried about Gin, or my fresh and most dear memories of sharing a life with Hitsugaya-taicho…

If I could choose … I think I'd relive my second life.

I could not afford reviving those shattered and scattered pieces of the memories of my previous life, because they deserved peace and I deserved the ease and freedom to move on with no guilt and no fear that I had done something wrong. What happened had happened…

And if all this had not happened I would not be the person I am now.

Besides, I will never be alone. Under any circumstances, there would always be one person that would watch over me no matter what…

"Where are we?" Haineko asked beside me.

My Zanpakuto's true form was standing next to me, her deep green eyes scanning cautiously our surroundings. Her shoulder-length, dark-purple hair glimmered under the white light which source I could not locate in this strange place. Everything was blurry and I blinked a couple of times thinking it was due to my bad vision, but it seemed it was not. Ribbons of pale colours flowed surrounding us as if trying to reveal the real world behind this dense, white fog.

"In my dreams." I replied meeting her furrowed gaze.

"Really?" she chuckled, but her face still remained agitated. "Why does it feel so real?" Haineko placed her hands on her wide hips clicking her tongue. "And why am _I_ in it?"

I touched gently the handle of my blade which I had tied around my waist at the sash and I stepped into the thick fog which felt humid against my skin.

"Let's end this soon."

Haineko and I walked in silence through the soulless place of my dream-world and seeing nothing but faint glimpses of colours every now and then we kept walking and walking hoping we'd soon reach the memory Kurotsuchi-taicho wanted so desperately to see. The memory I wanted to see…

…

Nemu watched her master typing endlessly while his wide-open eyes didn't even blink as he stared into the screen.

"Do not let that kid-genius interfere with my experiment!" he glanced at her through the corners of his piercing eyes. "I do not need to repeat myself to you about the consequences if you fail, do I?"

Kurotsuchi didn't give her a single glance as he asked her that rhetorical question which though made Nemu's dark green eyes flicker slightly. She bowed even though he was not looking at her clenching her linked hands in front of her thighs.

"Hai, Mayuri-sama!" she said faithfully and turned around to head out of her master's office hoping the air would feel lighter and more welcoming.

Using hidden paths carved underground she climbed through a low-ceiling tunnel and out a wooden door landing behind the east wall which surrounded the buildings of 12th Division. The first sunrays of the new day shoved away the last shadows of the night, but not even the soft light and the warmth soothed the uneasiness Nemu felt ever since she had realized her master's plan of extracting Matsumoto-san's _bankai_.

She had never been against her master's plans and opinions, she respected them all, but sometimes he would overcome the virtues she knew he was following along the path.

Nemu shoved a strand behind her ear and jumped to land on top of the concrete wall where she'd have an adequate surrounding view of her master's Division.

The last thing she wanted was to fight. She avoided participating in a battle if that was possible. But when her master ordered her to, there was no other choice…

For everyone's sake.

…

"I think… I think I saw a kid there!" Haineko said furrowing her thin brows and pointed towards her left.

The white fog which covered the sky above us and the ground beneath us had grown thinner revealing fuzzy shadows in the background, like the silhouettes of a mountain-chain and the thin forms of naked trees.

I tried to focus, feeling as if my eyes were about to cry every time I did because of the uncomfortable blurriness, but I couldn't see anything that resembled a child.

"He ran away, but I'm sure I saw him." Haineko said searching herself to see the kid again.

"Let's go that way then."

As we walked that direction the colours deepened and cleared so that we could distinguish that the ground beneath our feet was new-born grass and the sky was covered with fluffy, purely white clouds. I turned around myself trying to recognize this place since it had to be a memory of mine, but there was nothing special in it. I couldn't even recognize if it was a part of Soul Society or if it belonged to the Human world…

Suddenly a childish laughter broke the silence and with gapping astonishment I saw it; it was a boy in his early teens with light brown hair and irises with a tint of blue lighter than the sky's. He turned so that we could see him in profile while he was running after a ball made of leather.

I immediately recognized the ball, which had been a present of my father to Osamu that he had brought from the Capital…

My lips parted as I watched my brother run away with a bright smile on his face…

Everything turned blurry again, but this time because of my flowing tears.

"Rangiku…" Haineko whispered softly.

It felt hard to swallow and I wiped my tears away looking away…

"Osamu-nii-san…" I whispered and glanced back to see nothing but an empty meadow. I remembered that day; Father had returned from a four months' absence of attending missions all over the country. I had not received a present, and I remember being cast down for a long time because of that. I even had a rough quarrel with Osamu that evening…

Everything felt so comical now after all that time…

Haineko and I walked ahead seeing faint scenes of my first years in Rukongai; my younger self with dark, swollen eye-bags, dry lips and glassy eyes wandering around searching for her family and the world she had known for fourteen years…

I couldn't look more, so I let Haineko guide me through that painful memory, but when I caught a glimpse of a silver-haired boy I had to halt.

A younger Gin walked across me to check on my younger self who had fainted on the desert which extended in the far north of Soul Society. The only trees were burnt and broken and the dirt swirled with the wind to create moving ghosts along its path.

Gin's silver-grey bangs hid most of his forehead creating a shadow over his slanted gaze, while a faint grin appeared on his thin lips as he approached the unconscious girl.

I noticed Gin's fists clench as he just stood there staring down at the younger me. Haineko and I seemed to be invisible to the projections of my memories, but still I felt like a foreigner in my own memory…

How could I have known that Gin looked so agitated and, I could dare say, afraid when he had found me… How could I have known that he had watched over me, waiting for me to wake up for such a long time…

My heart was beating fast and I had also forgotten of Haineko's existence as I watched holding my breath.

When the starving, dark blonde girl finally opened her eyes, Gin grinned and helped her up offering her water from a leather bottle.

I sighed wiping more tears from my cheeks and felt Haineko's warm hand on my shoulder.

"We should move on."

I nodded but I couldn't take my eyes off that grin on Gin's face which seemed to be the exact same he always wore even hundred years later… The smile I had missed…

"Damn you, Ichimaru Gin…" I muttered and with Haineko's help I turned my back to that dear memory so that we could reach the one we were looking for…

…

Toushirou reached the northern part of the concrete wall that surrounded the headquarters of 12th Division. His Zanpakuto felt heavy against his back as he crept along the walls trying to sense any guard's _reiatsu_. He could not feel Matsumoto's, neither Kurotsuchi's.

He ran along the wall keeping his senses alert and his footsteps silent.

The new day had risen completely and the sun shone brightly from the east, but Toushirou's feelings had been frozen since there was only one thing in his mind; to end this ridiculous madness Kurotsuchi had grown for Matsumoto and her Zanpakuto…

A crow cried on top of a tower and soared through the sky.

Toushirou watched it as he halted since he had felt a moving _reiatsu_ approach him. It was familiar and he jumped up the wall to come face to face with Kurotsuchi Nemu.

The young woman was looking at him with a blank expression and her Zanpakuto was hanging from her back. Toushirou knew that Nemu was one of the people who despised fighting and rarely carried her Zanpakuto and so, seeing her now with it, he frowned fearing that Kurotsuchi would have ensured his research's inviolable flow through all means. Even if it meant for a commotion to take place in Soul Society…

"Kurotsuchi Nemu."

"I have been ordered to keep you away from your lieutenant for the time-being." She said blankly and Toushirou noticed her eyes flicker slightly. "You are not wearing the captain's haori… I will not be threatened by this, though."

"Threatened? If there is someone being threatened, that's Matsumoto. What did your captain do to her?" Hitsugaya asked trying not to show his irritation in his tone. His right hand was ready to strike to his blade's handle at any time.

"Matsumoto-san came with her own will. Mayuri-sama never touched a finger on your lieutenant."

Toushirou furrowed his white brows.

"She came by herself?"

"Why are you surprised?" Nemu asked lowering her face slightly so that a shadow created upon her stare.

Toushirou felt her _reiatsu _flow dangerously.

"Then… things change." He said straightening his back. Nemu flinched. "If I promise not to interfere, will you take me to her?"

"If I was allowed to take you there, there'd still be nothing you could do. The procedure has already begun. Matsumoto is out of your reach now." Nemu made a step closer and Toushirou noticed a threatening glance in her eyes. "My mission is to ensure my master's privacy, even if it goes against Soul Society's laws."

"If I _have _to fight, it'll be against your captain. Not you!"

"It sounds like an insult to my potentials."

Toushirou bit his lower lip wondering if indeed Nemu would go that far as to fight a captain, just because hers ordered her to.

"No, I will simply not accept a fight with someone who is not to blame of _my_ lieutenant's safety. Kurotsuchi Mayuri began this and with him I shall fight if he insists to act all mighty and important again!"

"I suggest you do not say words of matters you do not know."

"What should I know then?"

Nemu unsheathed her Zanpakuto.

"My orders were to stop you from proceeding any further. If you want to know, ask the higher-ranks."

Toushirou denied to take out his Zanpakuto and decided to do so only if Nemu attacked him.

Kurotsuchi had been ordered from the Captain-Commander to further investigate the incident of the unforgotten souls, but he never thought that Yamamoto-sotaicho would accept of having Matsumoto herself act us a guinea pig in the 12th Division's captain's experiments. But what he couldn't understand was Matsumoto accepting to come with her own will…

She could have told him…

But that didn't matter at the moment. He only wanted to know if she was fine…

And to do so he had to get rid of Kurotsuchi's faithful lieutenant.

Toushirou unsheathed his Zanpakuto which was longer than his own height and held it in front of him with his both hands.

Nemu didn't flicker as he released his _reiatsu._ Loud and flustered voices echoed from the ground beneath them as officers of the 12th Division had sensed what was taking place on the northern wall.

Toushirou frowned feeling the familiar flow of warm power running through his limbs and heard Hyourinmaru's purring voice in his head.

In less than a blink of an eye, Toushirou appeared behind Nemu with a single flash step, but she managed the last moment to avoid a clash of his blade on her side. She jumped high and landed farther away from him, so he used more flash steps to confuse her when he finally landed beside her in a breath's distance.

Nemu barely managed to glance at him as he raised his palm in front of her and quickly closed it in a fist.

"Way of Binding No 63; _Sajo sabaku_!"

A glowing, yellow chain appeared out of thin air and wrapped itself around Nemu's thin body restraining her from moving her arms. The young woman almost lost her balance from the intense spiritual energy of the incantation but Toushirou grab hold of her and let her kneel on the concrete wall while her Zanpakuto fell from her hand.

Toushirou looked down at her with a worried frown noticing the anger that glowed in her dark green eyes. Beside that her face was expressionless.

"Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho!" a man's voice called from the ground.

Toushirou noticed a crowd gathering on the wall. Some had even drawn their Zanpakutos as they had realized their lieutenant's defeat.

"Tell me where Matsumoto is, Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho." Toushirou asked her in an undertone.

"Expecting from me to tell you Matsumoto-san's location after you defeated me, is illogical. I already failed once."

Toushirou kept his eyes on hers trying to catch a single glimpse of the woman's true feelings, but it seemed that for now all she was thinking was of her failure to keep up to her captain's orders. He could not reprehend her for that, but even her captain was but a human soul whose judgments could easily be clouded.

He may have never been a seated officer or a lieutenant, but he knew that a lieutenant's job was the hardest, because they stood in the middle of the ranks; of the Division and of the captain…

That was why Matsumoto could not have accepted the 3rd Division's captain so easily, and that's why Nemu refused to tell him his lieutenant's location; they were protecting both their Division and their captain, because they were the link of the two chains…

"Then I'll have to find her myself." He muttered after a long moment and was about to rush ahead, when Nemu spoke up.

"The only one going against the laws is you, Hitsugaya-taicho. Mayuri-sama is researching under strict orders, and I am protecting his research. Even Matsumoto participates willingly, but you…"

Toushirou let a sigh as he noticed black-dressed Shinigami approaching from every direction to attack their lieutenant's attacker and he remembered Matsumoto's sudden kiss she had given him last night…

"I'm just making sure she stays out of harm's way. I have made a promise, and I'm going to keep it."

And he vanished with flash steps…

…

"You were in the same class as Gin and that arrogant Kuchiki guy?" Haineko asked with raised eyebrows.

"What is so surprising about it?" I wondered as we climbed up a hill between aged fir trees, a memory of my first mission in the Human world in order to fight off a group of Hollows.

"Well… you do look older than them!" Haineko chuckled showing off her longer, pointy canine teeth.

"Ah, not this again!"

"No, you do!"

"But Gin is silver-haired. That only should make _him_ look older!" I halted to catch my breath noticing how much steeper the path had become. I noticed wooden houses to my right and I remembered the story of those Hollows we had been sent to fight in my fourth year in the Shinigami Academy.

The Hollows had been nothing else but former citizens of that god-forsaken village. They were four brothers who had been stuck behind feeding on the souls of their neighbours and friends because of something the locals called as a curse. Although that curse had been nothing but a disease, the four brothers-Hollows had been the first most dangerous and powerful I had faced…

My fingers trailed on my katana's handle as that time had been the first I had reached _shikai_ level.

"Wow…" Haineko gapped remembering that place.

"At first I thought my memories would appear in a chronological order or something, but… this happened long before I became 9th officer of 10th Division." I pointed out.

"You really know how to humiliate yourself!" Haineko chuckled and almost drowned as she restrained another chuckle after meeting my glare.

"That hakama had been too long. It could have happened to anybody!" I tried to reason my hilarious entrance in the 10th Division's assembly hall where I had been promoted as a seated Shinigami right after my graduation from the Academy.

"Yeah, but that slip of your bra-"

"Shut up! It was my way to ensure that everyone was paying attention to me!"

"They were! Believe me!"

"Haha!" I laughed ironically when suddenly the sky above us darkened in an instant and million stars glowed playfully. My eyes fell on a wooden hut which I immediately recognized since I had just visited it the previous day; Ren-san's home, Hitsugaya-taicho's home…

My heart felt like being grabbed when I saw a dark, curvy figure creeping on top of the house's roof, fast and flexible like a cat's shadow. The shadow jumped in complete silence on the ground by the door and entered the dark room.

I felt the intense flow of little Hitsugaya-taicho's _reiatsu _covering the vicinity like a snowstorm over a powerless field of grass and I rushed inside with the certainty that I was invisible to everyone I saw.

The familiar cold and uncomfortable air that leaked from that white-haired boy's body felt so distant for a moment, and I saw that void in his dark turquoise eyes as I had seen it the previous day at his grandmother's home. That emptiness and my inability to realize that something had been wrong…

"Hitsugaya-taicho…" I whispered heavily when I witnessed myself leaning over a terrified and perplexed boy.

"_Become a Shinigami. Or else… your granny will freeze to death."_ The woman with the shoulder-length, dark blonde hair whispered. The younger Hitsugaya pushed the woman's hand away from his chest as he glanced at a weaker Ren-san shiver in her futon.

I wanted to touch him, and ensure him that in the future things would be better. That his grandmother would be a lot healthier and energetic and that as a Shinigami he would have the opportunity to make changes. I couldn't bear to see that pain and helplessness in his innocent eyes, it felt like the tightest grip in my chest.

"You really like torturing yourself, don't you?" I flinched hearing Haineko from behind touching her chin on my shoulder.

"What?"

"Previously you insisted on getting it done with as soon as possible, yet you stick onto every single memory of yours as if you have never lived them before!"

I noticed impatience in Haineko's voice and when I looked back in the hut, it was empty.

"Get a grip and let's head on!"

"At least I _have _memories!" I muttered.

Haineko frowned and made a step backwards to let me walk past her.

"You've become so melodramatic since-"

"Since when?" I cut her off feeling my face warm.

Haineko shrugged folding her arms in front of her chest.

"Since you and that kid… you know…"

"Hitsugaya-taicho is no kid. I've been acting more like a child than he ever has! No… the last thing he is, is a kid…" I glanced over my shoulder at the empty spot where a second ago the hut had been standing. Now there was nothing but the endless shadow of the night covering all. "The only reason I'm so melodramatic, as you say, is because I've been crying over my past for such a long time, regretting and being eaten by my sense of guilt, whereas he… he has nothing to hold onto! Although he knows that he came from the Human world, he cannot verify it with no memory at all. I have memories and feel miserable. He has none and is always so calm, so controlled and mature. He finds pleasure in the simplest of things, while I am chasing after my past life as if the one I have now… is not worth it…"

"You really do sound melodramatic, Rangiku!"

Haineko bounced in front of me and placed her hands on her hips while a grin appeared on her face.

"The more we stay here, the more you'll start whining and complaining about everything-"

"I'm not whining, you stupid cat! I'm trying to loosen that burden by talking to you, but all the support I get from you is mocking!"

"If you really cared so much about that dear captain of yours, you'd end this stupid, supposed dream a-s-a-p to get back to him and save him from all the worry you've definitely caused him! You stood him up!"

Haineko's eyes stayed fixed on mine and I felt like being pulled from a rushing and forceful stream by a rope. Slowly her grin broke into a bright smile, her white teeth coming in contrast with the dark complexity of her skin, and I brushed my fingers through my hair.

"Dear me…"

"Which memory are we looking for then?"

"The famous _bankai_ memory." I said with a heave of sigh.

"Ah yeah! What a beautiful day! All those people watching and cheering! Ah, I felt so great that moment when that old man said-"

"No, not on the Soukyoku hill. Our first _bankai_, in the Trash world." I corrected her and sensed the air grow colder and heavier noticing Haineko's smile fade away into a terrified one which made me skip a million heartbeats.

"What is it, Haineko?" I wondered and approached her, but she backed up as if she was afraid of me all of a sudden.

"Haineko! It's me, you stupi-!"

But I never managed to end my sentence as I saw a very familiar figure coming closer from behind Haineko; a man with broad shoulders and the silhouette of a lifetime swordsman with flames burning in his eye-sockets.

"Haineko!" I called out for my Zanpakuto's soul but she collapsed on her knees about to lose her conscience. I sprinted towards her and took out my blade to block a hard punch of the unforgotten soul in my father's form.

I wondered why he was able to see us, since up until now we had been invisible to all my memories that had been unrolled before us. Now we had become part of the play, just like that time in the Trash world…

It struck to me the heavy, silver key Kurotsuchi-taicho had given me in order to inform him somehow that this was the memory he had been so desperately looking for. But I hesitated since I didn't want him to know _all_ the details…

But Haineko was right. I had to end this…

So I blew a slashing hit at the unforgotten soul and, holding Haineko tight under my one arm, I ran in a safe distance with flash steps and placed my katana down to take out the tiny, heavy key. I looked at it and bit my lower lip as I flipped it in the air. As it swirled in the air it started glowing faintly until it landed again on my palm.

For a moment it felt a lot lighter than before, but I had not much time to think it over as the key melted to curl around my wrist and arm like a metallic snake. At the same time a massive crowd of unforgotten souls emerged from the snow-covered ground, the one in my father's form leading, approaching us with their flaming eyes glued upon us.

Although I had already gone through this situation before, I was still shaking with fear and shock. Haineko was shivering in my arms and the cold metal that had covered my right one like an armor glove glimmered under the dim light from the cloudy sky.

"Haineko!" I called shaking her in my arms so that she would look me in the eye, but she looked like a ghost, pale and empty…

The unforgotten souls came closer shrinking the safe circle around us like vultures. I stood up and raised my katana to hold it horizontally in front of me knowing that although this was a dream, I had to win. Even if the snow beneath my sandals felt so cold I could barely move my toes and the grip inside of me so strong I could hardly breathe, I still had to reach _bankai_ to win. Haineko needed me…

"_Unare Haineko!_"

…

"It's the 10th Division's captain!"

"Surround him!"

"_Hai!_"

Toushirou scanned a round counting down at least two dozen Shinigami surrounding him with raised Zanpakutos, while his was sheathed on his back. He had barely made it to the entrance of one of the many buildings in the headquarters of 12th Division after defeating with not much effort Kurotsuchi Nemu, but it seemed the 12th Division's captain had a greater security than what he showed off.

If he kept fighting he'd only waste more time in which Matsumoto would have to endure more of that mad captain's experiments.

But Nemu's last words had been carved in his head; him being the only one going against the rules here…

He wondered what the Captain-Commander's actual orders were to Kurotsuchi. All he knew was that he had to further investigate these unforgotten souls who had been the reason to disrupt time's flow both in Soul Society and the Human world, and their very existence… But he could not think what Matsumoto had to do with this…

"My only request is to talk to your captain!" Toushirou announced with a loud, clear voice, but the gathered Shinigami only looked at each other with puzzled looks.

"Who is your higher-ranked?" he asked.

All the Shinigami took an aggressive stance and the ones standing closer to him were in the verge of attacking, but a harsh, deep voice echoed.

"Halt it!"

Toushirou told the voice's owner apart as the newcomer with the white cloak walking through the black-dressed Shinigami. The man's small, black eyes were fixed on his. He had short, spiky dark-brown hair and small thorns emerged from his forehead, while the absence of brows and his piercing stare made him look a lot more superior just by the looks compared to his colleagues as he approached him.

Toushirou recognized one of Kurotsuchi's best and most capable researchers whose name was Akon.

"Hitsugaya-taicho! You really could make a less rowdy entrance. We're not the 11th Squad or something!" Akon said moving his hands as he talked.

"I would have if your captain had not ordered you all to keep me out by all means!" Toushirou told him calmly.

Akon glanced at the sky pressing his lips together.

"Well… he did say that!" Akon shrugged. "But the procedure does demand some peace and quiet. It's a delicate procedure and if Matsumoto-san wakes, it-!"

"What has he done to her?"

Akon gestured his subordinates to lower their blades and he looked back at Toushirou.

"She's just sleeping. Nothing dangerous in that, is there?"

Toushirou chuckled feeling his patience reaching red levels.

"It's as if you all were sent here to laugh at me. That Kurotsuchi really knows how to mess with my nerves!" Toushirou clenched his fists and unsheathed Hyourinmaru pointing it at Akon. The surrounding Shinigami returned to their fighting postures. "I'm going to ask this one last time; let me see Matsumoto and I shall not intervene with this damn research of yours. Will you let me in then?" Toushirou asked, his voice growing hoarse as his spiritual energy flowed fast through his limbs.

"Hitsugaya-taicho, maybe you're overreacting here!" Akon tried to reason him, his eyes widening slightly.

"Answer my question. You avoiding answering means you're only sent to keep me here until this thing is over!" Toushirou growled.

"I am, because you look too impatient and too dangerous to let you in the-!"

"Then say yes and I shall hide my katana!"

Akon shook his head, though Toushirou noticed a flickering in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Hitsugaya-taicho!"

"Then I have no other choice but to shove you off my path!" Toushirou growled and his body glowed in a dim blue light.

"Please, Hitsugaya-taicho! Let's talk this over!" Akon raised his hands gesturing him to stop as Toushirou's _reiatsu_ overflowed the area like a thunderstorm. The Shinigami backed up and started shaking under the intense and cold flow of spiritual energy, and even Akon looked unsettled as he raised an arm to protect his eyes from the glowing _reiatsu_.

"I don't want to fight as much as you do, but you give me no other choice!" Toushirou hissed approaching Akon.

"Then calm down and let us talk!"

"All you do is blubber-talk! Tell me something that might make me stand back, or else shut up and let me through!"

"Even if it costs your seat as captain?" a sharp voice echoed from behind him. Toushirou looked over his shoulder to face Nemu who was pointing her katana at him holding it tight with both her hands.

Toushirou noticed the sleeves of her uniform torn apart revealing her burnt forearms, while a dangerous glimpse crossed her dark green eyes.

"Is your lieutenant really that worth it?" she asked.

Toushirou deepened his frown turning his Zanpakuto at her, knowing that compared to all Shinigami present only Nemu could prove a threat since she had managed somehow to free herself from the rather advanced binding incantation he had used on her.

"Still, you are not replying to my offer and you keep wasting my time!" Toushirou growled fearing that by now he had entangled himself in a rather messy situation from which he could not easily get away with. He didn't want to fight Nemu or Akon, mostly because he had nothing to fight for with them. But they stood in his way to make sure Matsumoto was indeed fine as they insisted she was, yet their actions contradicted their statements…

Toushirou raised Hyourinmaru and rushed towards Nemu with the speed of sound.

"What-!" Akon gasped and ordered his armed subordinates to attack, but they seemed too shaken up with the flowing _reiatsu_ Toushirou emitted.

Toushirou's and Nemu's blades clashed causing a loud, piercing sound cover every other. Nemu gritted her teeth and her body started glowing in a dim, purple colour as Toushirou felt her resistance growing stronger.

Toushirou backed up with a single step and moving his katana around him to hit her momentarily weak spot, her sides, she dodged jumping away from him. She had gotten faster compared to their first encounter.

Fainter _reiatsu_ approached him from behind and Toushirou turned around quickly raising his palm towards his additional attackers.

"Way of Destruction No 31._ Shakkahou_!"

A ball of swirling, bright red light emerged from his palm growing bigger and bigger as it hit like a massive wave the Shinigami who had attempted to surround him. All he needed was them out of his way and so avoided using his blade against those he knew could not handle it. But Nemu seemed to cope well with his speed and strength as she dodged and advanced at him with confidence and ease.

Toushirou turned back to face Nemu as he bit the inside of his cheek.

He didn't have to defeat her, since he had not the leisure of time to do so, but he could trick her…

Nemu charged holding her Zanpakuto to her side and slashed Toushirou low, but he jumped with ease and attempted a blow on her shoulder. Nemu shielded the attack with her katana and was about to grab hold of his ankle with her bare hand. Toushirou flew above her attempting another cut but it seemed that Nemu only got quicker and quicker as the fight went on.

When Toushirou managed a safe distance from Nemu, he quickly sheathed his Zanpakuto noticing Nemu's and Akon's surprise with his action.

Nemu rushed towards him.

"I will not fight you anymore!" he said out loud causing Nemu to halt on her tracks her shoulders heaving as she panted.

"I cannot let you in, Hitsugaya-taicho!" Nemu warned him keeping her katana in her hands.

"Then I shall wait here until my lieutenant returns." He said and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Toushirou witnessed a nervous exchange of glances between Nemu and Akon.

"Of course."Akon approached him gesturing towards one of the buildings behind him. "You can wait here with me. I can… offer you some tea!"

Toushirou chuckled with that sudden gesture of politeness, since they all were facing a captain of the Gotei 13, but for the meantime that was adequate…

"Thank you." He muttered and followed Akon inside feeling Nemu's steady stare piercing his back.

Toushirou followed Akon's example and took off his sandals by the sliding doors and entered a well-lit spacious room which he guessed was the 12th Division's assembly room. Furniture was absent except some low tables and a fire burning in the middle on which some female Shinigami had placed water to boil.

The women kept their eyes fixed on the visitors and bowed before Akon and Nemu, who both were the next higher-ranks after Kurotsuchi Mayuri.

Toushirou nodded his head thanking Akon for offering him a cup of warm tea and scanned a round in the friendly place. When his dark turquoise eyes fell on the sliding doors he felt Nemu approaching him. She took a position very close to him making Toushirou feel quite uncomfortable.

"I am sorry about your arms, Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho." He told her avoiding her steady gaze.

Nemu remained silent as Akon gestured Toushirou to sit on a futon on the floor, but he tilted his head and simply walked away from Nemu trying to look calm as his thoughts swirled around one specific person.

He waited and waited for only a couple of minutes, which though felt like hours as he sipped his tea and avoided everyone's gaze, when, finally, Nemu took her eyes off of him.

Toushirou hold his breath as he unsheathed his katana throwing his tea on the floor in a blink of an eye and hold it in front of him with his both hands to balance his own weight with his katana's.

His body started glowing in a dim, blue light and Hyourinmaru's silent purr echoed in his ears.

"_Sonen ni zase, Hyourinamru_!" Toushirou whispered letting his energy overflow his body and Zanpakuto as Hyourinmaru emerged in the form of blizzards from the blade and flooded the room until there was nothing but ice. The ice cracked and finally found escape from the doors and windows growling like a beast.

Toushirou, while pointing his katana to his front, ran away from the packed with ice assembly room glancing at Nemu, Akon and many other Shinigami frozen along with the rest of the room.

Outside a gigantic ice dragon floated in the sky glistening as the morning sunrays glowed through his semi-transparent serpent body.

Hyourinmaru turned his crimson eyes to Toushirou and flew over him, his purr echoing over the 12th Division.

Toushirou tightened his grip around the blade letting a regretful sigh as he witnessed the massive ice cube which had frozen his obstacles inside of it…

"I'm sorry…" he muttered and as Hyourinmaru returned back in his katana, he ran without looking back towards the one building from which he could feel the stranger _reiatsu_ radiating…

…

Rushing ribbons of ashes bolted through the white sky turning many unforgotten souls into millions of pieces as each little particle of ash could act as a sharp blade; that was Haineko's power which I directed with the handle of my katana in my hand.

"This. Is. Getting. Really. Annoying!" I growled each word each time firing compressed _reiatsu_ from my palm to the closest unforgotten souls, while Haineko's ash cut through the ones further away, but still the numbers didn't seem to decrease.

Only my patience and strength did, and I didn't like the odds of winning this battle unless I managed _bankai_…

And so, for the fourth time, I held the handle in my both hands ordering the flowing ashes to return to me. I tried to focus on my own energy and listen to Haineko's voice which would guide me along, just like she had done the two previous times I had actually reached _bankai _level. The brownish ashes return to the handle transforming into a single blade and I saw a bright white light enshrouding me.

Now I needed Haineko to fill this energy up with her own, so I looked down at her kneeling with hunched shoulders on the snow-covered ground.

"Haineko! Haineko, I need you!"

The unforgotten souls came closer and closer…

"Haineko!" I hissed feeling my own power flickering as I lost concentration.

"I… cannot help you…" Haineko barely managed to mutter, her eyelids almost shutting.

"Yes you can, you stupid cat! We can do it, just like we did on the Soukyoku hill, remember?" I tried to encourage her and pushed her slightly with my knee, but she didn't even look up at me. "Haineko, please!"

Haineko shook her head and was about to collapse all over again.

"Shit!"

The hostile souls were now advancing towards us and I decided to release this gathered energy of mine with other means, since Haineko was stubborn…

I hold my katana vertically in front of me and started spinning it fast switching hands around the handle until the blade was not longer visible from the great velocity. At the same time the white light flowed through it creating a shield of light, so I stopped spinning it and called out the words of the incantation.

"Way of Desctruction No 58. _Tenran_!"

The air around me grew suddenly heavy as a huge tornado exploded out of my katana glowing brightly white. I span around myself so that the exploding _reiatsu_ hit all the gathering souls around me.

"Rangi-ku!" Haineko mumbled and I felt her grip on my hakama. I stopped the incantation seeing that it had bought me some time to bring my Zanpakuto back to her senses.

"Haineko! What's happening to you, huh?" I stroke her cheek and lifted her up with my one arm so that she could cling on me to balance her weak self.

"I cannot-walk." She said huffing and puffing. "It's like… they suck my energy…or something…" Haineko's both hands tightened on my shoulders as she coughed.

"I will give you mine, but… we have to reach _bankai_. It's the only way. It worked last time, so-!"

"Do you have-so-much… energy?"

I sighed noticing more unforgotten souls coming out of piles of snow from the ground, their flaming eyes fixed on us as if we were prey… as if we were their only mean of survival…

"There is no other choice, is there?"

"Rangiku…"

"It feels too real for a dream to just sit around and wait what'll happen." I said in an undertone. "Besides Kurotsuchi-taicho will never let us go unless he sees it."

Haineko straightened her back gritting her teeth while her face grew paler and paler.

"Then-I… will buy you-some-time!"

Haineko faced the unforgotten souls raising both her arms. I couldn't help but gasp seeing her fit long legs tremble as she fought not to collapse again, but the moment I felt her _reiatsu_ I also felt like there was hope. That we could indeed make it through…

And so I concentrated on my own energy trying to meditate, the same way I had during the time in the Academy when Kai-sensei and Kobayashi-sensei had sent me on my own in the white forest that covered the east side of the Soukyoku hill in order to finally find Haineko in the world in my mind…

I couldn't see Haineko's body glowing pure white with spiritual energy and the hungry souls closing in. I couldn't hear Haineko's dark skin shatter into millions of tiny particles of ashes and pierce through the souls made up of the unforgotten parts in us of those who died and could not move on…

I couldn't, because I needed to dig deep in order to gather up the great spiritual energy one needed to reach their maximum level. My limbs started growing numb and my heart's beating was slowing down as my mind travelled through empty corridors, soundless forests and soulless towns…

"_Rangiku_!" Haineko cried desperately, her voice broken with pain and despair.

My eyes opened and I noticed the unforgotten souls hesitate as they all looked at me with their flaming eyes.

"_Ban-kai_!"

Haineko turned towards me and her fingertips touched the tip of my katana. The energy I had gathered was flowing through the blade and through Haineko's human body giving her the power she needed for both of us to reach our ultimate power.

"_Kaji da, Haineko!_"

Haineko's eyes turned all dark green and vertical slits appeared while her human body grew in size to turn into a big cat reaching more than twice my sixe in height. Her tail grew thicker with green rings and her ears had a bright purple shade, while her dark pink fur caught on fire in an instant causing all the unforgotten souls to flinch with fear.

Haineko raised her nose in the sky and the fiery tongues around her body started swirling so fast that caused the snow beneath us to evaporate into clouds of vapors. A deep, echoing growl caused the ground to quake lightly and her back arched as she let a massive wave of fire escape her jaws.

Many unforgotten souls vanished into thin air and I felt the handle in my grip shake in synchrony with Haineko's growls.

I gasped realizing that my right hand, the one covered in this strange metallic armor and holding the handle, was surrounded by fast swirling ash from the tip of the blade up to my shoulder.

For the first time, I attempted to try my own developed potentials, so I advanced towards the souls that had approached from behind. This time I did not hesitate every time I thought I saw a familiar face or expressions in their faces that would make me skip a heartbeat, but I simply attacked knowing that this was just a dream…

A very real dream…

Haineko's flames burnt all and my ashes cut through every last unforgotten soul…

And with the hope that this would end, I sent one final blow of razor sharp ashes towards the souls with the faces of my family…

* * *

**thank you for devoting your time in this story, it means a lot!**

**hopefully you enjoyed it... **

**P.S: Haineko rocks if you want my opinion ^_^ she's the best female Zanpakuto!**


	25. Ghosts of Guilt

**Hello everyone!**

**Finally new chapters-i'm sorry for this long wait, but it's been exams' period and i promised myself i would not write or else i wouldn't stop and then my marks would go downhill! hehe, but it's over - i did great and now let's get back to the Bleach universe, shall we?**

**Hope you're all doing great-please enjoy!**

**(little reminder): I do not own Bleach!

* * *

**

**Ghosts of Guilt**

"Hikaru-nii-san! Show me as well! Please!" I cried jumping up and down impatiently.

My oldest brother, having turned sixteen the previous week, looked down at me with a soft smile on his angular face and touched the tip of his fighting wooden stick on my shoulder.

"No!" he chuckled, as if he liked frustrating me. I showed my teeth and frowned.

"Why? You teach Osamu!"

"He's older than you!"

"That's not _my _fault!" I cried louder causing a nearby flock of sparrows bolt into the sky.

"Stop it Rangiku!"

"Teach me!"

"No!"

"Teach me how to fight!" I gave him a weak punch on his chest not being able to reach any higher. It seemed so strange how quick Hikaru had grown over the last year, while I was stuck in the same small, fragile height.

"Father doesn't want you to, Rangiku. So stop insisting!" Hikaru said simply and walked away as Osamu came out of the house running towards us with a beaming smile.

His bright blue eyes were shining with extreme happiness as he approached our older brother.

"He agreed! I shall leave next month with uncle Sousuke!" Osamu said and cupped his mouth to howl at the sky.

I was left looking at Osamu and then at Hikaru not understanding what they were talking about. My impatience rose in an instant and I attempted to grab the wooden stick from Hikaru's hand as he was too focused on Osamu, but his grip was way stronger than I thought.

The two taller boys looked down at me with questioning looks.

"Rangiku! I will become a soldier too! Just like father!" Osamu said and kneeled to look closer to me.

I gave him a killer-glance and bit my lower lip to restrain myself from crying.

"Wh-what's the matter?" Osamu wondered and glanced at Hikaru who shook his head. "Are you sad that I'll be leav-!"

"I don't care! You can all leave! I don't care!" I yelled unable to keep my thick tears from flowing any longer.

"Rangiku!" Osamu gasped, his eyes widening slightly.

"Leave! Leave me alone! So I can have this place on my own. And all the toys will stay here and they'll be mine! Go fight and play with wooden sticks! I won't think of you a single moment!" I yelled and ran away to disappear in the blossoming fields heading towards my secret hideout.

"Rangiku!" I heard Osamu calling with a flicker of guilt in his tone, but I simply pressed my eyelids to shove away the tears.

Osamu would go and learn how to fight too… just like Hikaru had two years ago…

Of course they would… they were boys. That's what a soldier's sons do…

The rest of the afternoon I was hiding in my small cave by a stream moping around and trying to let my uncontrollable anger fade away along with my tears. But even when the sun had set, I was still as angry as I had been. So I had decided to test my family's affection for me by not appearing home even when the night had covered the hill and the bats had come out to hunt mice by the stream.

I was watching them; little shadows appearing and disappearing in the darkness and their screeches covering all other sounds. Frogs were croaking unseen beneath rocks and leaves and I even heard the hissing of a snake not far away from me. But no one of my family ever appeared.

Maybe my hideout was just too good, or they just didn't care about me…

For some reason, I had concluded to the latter and so cried myself to sleep not fearing so much of the night as to the possibility that I would be left alone...

The next day I remember waking up in my room, covered with my blanket wearing clean clothes. I had needed some time to adjust my eye-sight to the bright light coming from the slid-open paper walls and when I looked down at my scratched hands I noticed Hikaru's fighting wooden stick lying beside my futon.

Immediately a wide smile appeared on my face and I touched the smooth wood imagining it was actually made of metal and sharp.

I lifted it amazed with how much heavier it was compared to the one father had given me last year. It was bigger and longer and my fingertips were barely touching as I held it tight. At that moment I had promised myself to get stronger so that I could carry this wooden stick. Maybe all I needed was to show my father that I could do it. If I could show him that I was equal in speed and strength as my brothers then he would also look at me with that smile…

Maybe…

I stood up and practiced some of the moves I had seen my father teach to my brothers, but soon my arms started shaking with the weight of that stick.

"It looks good on you! The fighting stance!" Hikaru scared me as he was leaning by the paper wall with his arms crossed on his chest.

I smiled blushing.

"It's heavy!"

Hikaru came closer to me and squeezed the muscles of my arms. A chuckle escaped him and I frowned at once.

"Carry it around all the time and soon your hands will grow used to it. Then train your body. But first…" Hikaru rubbed the top of my head messing my ponytail. "train that spirit of yours!"

"Huh?"

"Train your spirit; like watching your tongue. Think before you speak, because sometimes words can save you a lot of trouble, or even your life, Rangiku."

"I want to fight! Not talk!"

Hikaru laughed.

"Just because I'm carrying a real katana doesn't mean I'm stronger. If I'm not trained spiritually, even the fastest legs or the strongest arms won't save me. Maybe you're stronger, although you only possess a wooden stick. Train this!" Hikaru pointed at my head. "And this!" and then at my chest.

I was staring at him with wide eyes not really understanding what he meant, but it sounded important and real.

"Hai!"

"Good! Now go tell Osamu what you really wanted to tell him."

"What? What di-!"

"This is Osamu's fighting wooden stick by the way!" Hikaru said and left me by myself.

…

Three years after Osamu left to become a soldier, was the hottest of all the summers I could remember.

The fields had grown dry, almost golden under the intense sun and every night when I would finally return home I would feel dizzy from heatstroke. Mother would make me drink at least six cups of fresh water until I could no longer walk from the too much liquid in my stomach.

I was killing mosquitoes with a fan, while mother and father were talking about this year's harvest. They said something about grandma's rice paddies and that there was problem with the water supply, but I was too occupied with my attempt to kill a rather big mosquito, wondering whose blood it had already sucked as it looked so full.

I stepped on the tips of my toes watching how the insect was drawn by the oil lamp. I hid the fan in the sash around my waist and clasped my palms to feel the mosquito literally melt on my skin. A chill ran down my spine with disgust and father and mother looked at me with questioning looks.

"Go wash your hands, Rangiku." Mother said coolly sipping her tea.

I opened my hands and gasped with the amount of blood on my palms. It was the first time I saw that and the feeling of having just killed was indescribable…

It had only been a mosquito but the mess it left printed on my palms was the most terrifying.

Blood and death…

That was the first time death imprinted on my soul. But back then I could have never imagined that this incident could not be compared to witnessing the death of a human being, the death of your parents…

"Father…" I asked in an undertone not taking my eyes off of my bloody palms.

Father looked at me from the corners of those mysterious blue like the morning sky eyes.

"Are Hikaru-nii-san and Osamu-nii-san killing… people?"

Silence followed and I noticed my parents exchange quick glances.

"They are soldiers, Rangiku!" Mother said matter-of-factly.

I finally looked at them and wiped my palms on my short kimono.

"Dear, Rangiku! Look what you've done!" Mother scolded me and gave me that usual cold look of hers. I furrowed my brows looking down at the dark-red smear on the cloth, wondering what a human's blood would look like.

As if reading my mind, I met my father's gaze who looked as if his deepest secret had just been revealed. I heard my heart pounding fast.

"Rangiku, come here." He said calmly and motioned on the tatami floor beside him.

I felt the piercing stare of my mother and obeyed kneeling beside him. Keeping my eyes lowered I could feel the tension between my parents increase, like smelling a storm approaching.

"Why do you want so much to become like your brothers?" he asked me for the first time.

I felt mortified knowing that my father knew I was jealous of my brothers and, most possibly, knowing why…

"Why do you want to know how to fight, Rangiku?"

The way he said my name made me look up at him, as he sounded sad, even shocked.

"They… look beautiful when they fight."

Father chuckled and it made that tight grip in my guts loosen up a little.

"As if there is nothing else in the world for them. Just those two, fighting and protecting their lives. It's as if… their fighting sticks are alive!"

"Rangiku! Have you been talking with grandma or something?" mother wondered.

Father chuckled again and shook his head.

"Fighting sticks and katana are no living things, Rangiku. They're just tools in the hands of humans. They act upon our will and intensions. A katana can be as deadly as a chopstick."

"So I can also fight with chopsticks?" I asked surprised.

"Shinichiro!" mother warned father with a dangerous glance in her dark eyes.

"That would only be too funny to watch, Rangiku!" father laughed and blew away some threatening mosquitoes with his fan. "Maybe you should go to grandmother's for a while."

"She was just here, two weeks ago!" I pointed out.

Grandma and uncle Sousuke had visited us last month, as they did in the beginning of every summer and it had been a beautiful month having company again. My father and brothers were absent for most of the year attending the military, and so had to spend too much time just with my mother. Running a house and my family's fields just the two of us was a difficult thing to do and so rarely had any time by myself. But even so, I would never miss a single night training when my mother would be sleeping.

It was the quietest time of the day, and the only one I had just for myself.

My hands had grown a lot stronger and I could now carry that heavy wooden stick all day without growing tired.

My mother had once pointed out at my fit forearms and commented that too much work in the fields made me look like a boy. I didn't want her to know, or else she would throw my beloved fighting stick in the firewood.

This stick meant a lot to me…

That night, father and mother decided to send me to grandma's for some time. I eavesdropped on them later, when I was supposed to be sleeping that they feared I would grow unsociable since I had no one to spend time with in my age.

Grandma was living close to a big village and father had said that maybe if I had friends I would not be thinking too much of Hikaru and Osamu…

Those words had made my heart sink fearing that maybe I would never see my brothers again, as if something inside of me was warning me of what would happen later that summer…

As if it was telling me that indeed I would never see them again, neither my dear grandmother nor my brothers…

…

"This can't be a dream! This is a damn nightmare!" I hissed panting and being on the urge of collapsing forever on the ground which was covered with puddles of the melted snow that once covered this strange place.

"Rangiku! Behind you!" Haineko growled in her fiery cat-form and spat fireballs at the approaching unforgotten souls.

I dodged the last moment a sphere of compressed _reiatsu_ from one of the unforgotten souls and slashed my ash-covered blade through his guts causing him to fade into thin air.

There was no end, and distant memories started becoming more vivid as time passed by. It felt as if I was here an entire day, but there was no way to tell since the sun was hidden behind a covered with white clouds sky.

With the back of my hand I wiped sweat from my eyes and continued slashing souls, knowing though that it would never come to an end this way. New souls would appear out of nothing, drawn to us like Hollows would and the scenery would stay unchangeable. Only the thoughts in my head would wander away in the far distant life which had been taken away from me…

"Damn you!" I cursed swaying my Zanpakuto around.

"Why don't you use that weird armor of yours?" Haineko asked approaching me. Her long whiskers moved as she motioned with her nose at my right arm which was covered with the metallic armor Nemu had given me.

"To contact that weirdo-captain. Use it to contact him and tell him to wake you up or something!"

I sent a cloud of sharp ash to kill another group of unforgotten souls that had come too close to us and then glanced at the shimmering metal around my wrist.

"Does it look like a phone to you?" I grunted and searched for anything, but it was plain. There were no buttons or a speaker or anything that could represent a contact device.

"He saw the _bankai_ so why are we still here?" Haineko yelled and caused the ground beneath us to quake.

"No idea! But remind me to chop off his head once we're done here!"

"_If_ we're ever done!" Haineko corrected me and with a quick jump landed on top of an unforgotten soul before it emerged from underground.

…

Kurotsuchi Mayuri showed his teeth with a beaming, satisfactory smile and gestured towards the chamber in which Matsumoto was locked. One of his subordinates who had been asked to assist him with this research of his, bowed at his captain and with quick steps checked through a covered window at the 10th Division's lieutenant.

The room was filled with white lights while the dark-blonde woman was moving around swinging her arms as if holding a katana although she was empty handed and the muscles of her face and arms were tensed as if she was stuck in a real fight.

But all she was fighting were ghosts…

The subordinate, dressed in a white cloak, glanced at a small screen beside the heavy door.

"It's been twenty-four minutes, Kurotsuchi-taicho."

Kurotsuchi shook his head and started typing on the huge typeboard as his golden eyes were scanning the gigantic screen reading the woman's vital signs and her flow of spiritual energy.

He was amazed.

"Quite unexpected from a woman who is all about the looks!"

"Captain!" the subordinate squeaked. "She opened her eyes, but… she continues fighting."

"That's no problem then, is it?" Kurotsuchi hissed and noticed how Matsumoto's _reiatsu_ had been flowing in a stable rhythm the entire time. Fighting in _bankai_ level for twenty-four minutes was quite difficult even for a captain to achieve, but fighting in an imaginary world without a single flicker in the flow was too extraordinary.

The blue-haired captain frowned and glanced at a smaller screen which provided him image from the inside of the chamber in which Matsumoto was fighting endlessly and tirelessly.

From the very beginning, ever since he had read Matsumoto's and Hitsugaya's report of their latest mission in the Human world, and combined with the information Nemu had provided him, he knew that this woman had some connection to those strange kind of souls. And he even witnessed it now…

These souls were _drawn_ to her…

There was only one way to find out if that was true. He had to prove it.

And since Nemu and Akon had managed to get defeated so easily by that impatient, white-haired captain, he had to find other means.

"Go get me Hitsugaya. Tell him that his Lieutenant is in danger!"

…

He had never felt so angry before, like a moving thunderstorm destroying everything on its path.

His Zanpakuto had become an extension of his hand following faithfully those furious instinctive orders of his mind. Whoever stood an obstacle to him to reach his destination became another victim of his growing madness.

Some were wise enough to disobey their orders and just walk away from the white-haired Shinigami's path who they said was the 10th Division's captain, although he was not wearing the captain's haori. But the word had already been spread out; that he had been the one to defeat the two highest-ranks after Kurotsuchi, and, so, many did find the courage to oppose him.

Toushirou hadn't killed a single one. This was not his intension, but his blows had become more aggressive as time passed by and realized that he had barely made a step closer to Kurotsuchi Mayuri's lab where he knew Matsumoto was held.

After defeating another group of black-dressed Shinigami, Toushirou took a deep breath noticing that he found it harder and harder to restrain the intensity of his blows and slashes. It was pure luck that he had not killed anyone yet.

His head had grown hot, and his thoughts darker as his mind started creating illusions, such as reinterpreting Nemu's words about Matsumoto _choosing_ to follow Kurotsuchi…

Running across a path covered with grey pebbles, he found himself surrounded by many armed Shinigami.

"Hitsugaya-taicho!" one of the Shinigami made a step forward lowering his unsheathed Zanpakuto. Toushirou felt hesitation in his opponents' moves and looked at the one who had addressed him.

"We have been ordered to take you to Kurotsuchi-taicho. There… have been some complications, it's said."

These words clicked inside Toushirou's head and everyone around him made a step backwards feeling the sudden and uncomfortable flicker in his _reiatsu_.

"What?" Toushirou hissed.

"Please follow me!" the Shinigami straightened his back and sheathed his katana as he moved forward. The rest Shinigami though kept a lookout at the white-haired captain and followed him in caution.

"What happened?" he asked the one who had told him the news.

"I don't know. That's all I've been told." He said glancing at him over his shoulder.

The armed Shinigami guided him towards one of the biggest buildings and opened a metallic door which led underground. Following many narrow alleys and wide chambers with bright artificial light, Toushirou found himself for the first time in front of the big metallic double doors which hid Kurotsuchi's personal lab.

His heart was beating so fast he could hear it and his grip around the handle of his Zanpakuto had grown wet from the sweat.

The Shinigami bowed slightly and left him along with his colleagues.

Toushirou swallowed with difficulty wondering if this was indeed Kurotsuchi's lab or if it was a trap. He made a step backwards and pressed on the door with the tip of his blade.

He could not feel any strange _reiatsu_ flowing and he could feel nothing past it.

Maybe it was a trap…

He had already imprisoned the 12th Division's lieutenant and the 3rd seat officer in a cage made of unbreakable ice, he had knocked out too many Shinigami to count down, and so it would be only logical to trick him like this.

But if it was not, then… he would have been the reason for something bad to happen to Matsumoto…

Toushirou gritted his teeth and, without putting any other thought into it, he pushed the double doors open to come face to face with a black face and sparkling golden eyes.

A mischievous smile was distinguishable in the semi-dark of this place which ends Toushirou could not make out between the shadows. Kurotsuchi closed the doors behind him to block the outer artificial light and with quick steps headed back to his office.

Toushirou observed for a long moment with awe the strangely big screen hanging from the high ceiling and desks made of concrete scattered all over the place. Tall bookcases extended high up in the shadows, piles of papers, folders, disks and boxes, while at the far end he thought he saw more metallic doors.

At once he searched for any sign of his lieutenant.

"Where is she?" Toushirou asked not hiding his fury as he approached the scientist.

Kurotsuchi didn't even glance at him as he replied barely moving his lips.

"She's asleep. I'm going through her memories to explain her _bankai_ but it seems she likes it too much there and won't wake up so-"

"What?"

Kurotsuchi stopped talking and looked from the corners of his eyes down at him as if he was an irritating insect.

"You see that I'm trying to explain this to you, so why are you cutting me off?"

Toushirou frowned and raised his Zanpakuto to point the sharp blade at his neck, but Kurotsuchi quickly raised his arm to block the blade.

Toushirou grunted under his breath keeping his Zanpakuto there close to the man's head, ready to chop off his arm if needed to reach it.

Kurotsuchi's golden eyes were steadily fixed on his dark turquoise ones piercing slowly through his vulnerable exterior. All those feelings rushing through him was a first and he had never felt so vulnerable before, and Kurotsuchi knew it. He could see it in the way Toushirou was breathing and in the way he was holding his Zanpakuto. There was a lack of self-control and calm which distinguished him from all the captains of Gotei 13.

Toushirou also knew that Kurotsuchi would have realized what was really going on between him and Matsumoto. Everybody would have known considering the intensity and bluntness of this morning's actions of his…

He had fallen apart…

"The genius-boy is a _human _after all!" Kurotsuchi whispered and looked back at his screen lowering his arm as if he knew that Toushirou was unable to attack him, let alone kill him at that moment.

And indeed Toushirou lowered his blade feeling his limbs too heavy to move.

"In a matter of minutes you destroyed half of my Division, so don't you dare raise that blade at me again!" the blue-haired captain warned him with an alien grin.

"Just show me the way to her… please." Toushirou heaved with a sigh of irritation brushing his palm over his face.

Toushirou didn't notice Kurotsuchi glancing at him with a look of surprise and concern as he least expected him to be so easily conceived…

He led him to the same room Matsumoto was still fighting but first gave the white-haired captain another silver key.

"What's that?"

"A way to read your spiritual energy. It connects with the network that controls the flow from a Shinigami to his Zanpakuto and opposite."

"So… what's not right with Matsumoto's _reiatsu_?"

Kurotsuchi examined the grief look of Toushirou and raised his head to turn off the lights of the simulation chamber in which Matsumoto was by pressing a button on the little screen beside the door.

"Close your eyes and clear your mind. When you meet her flip that key in your hand."

"Why are you not answering my que-!"

"Because you are only a test subject to me, and some things are just useless for you to know. Let alone the fact that at the moment you are wasting all of our times!"

"Tell me what you've done to her!" Toushirou lost his patience.

Kurotsuchi rolled his eyes and met his unsteady gaze.

"Souls are a strange kind of creatures. Especially the ones who feed their spiritual energy from the past."

Toushirou glanced at the metallic door as fear grabbed his heart since he could not feel Matsumoto's _reiatsu_ at all. He sensed that she had been here, but that little spiritual energy left was too faint. He clenched his fists.

"What… do you mean _when _I meet her?"

"You weren't expecting to find her sleeping on some nice, comfortable futon or anything? She's lost in her dream world and you need to go find her. Considering that look on your face and that guilt she had when she walked through that door, she will only pay attention to you. You must wake her up, Hitsugaya." Kurotsuchi said in an undertone and opened the door.

Toushirou narrowed his eyes trying to distinguish anything in the pitch black darkness, but pressed his lips together when he could not see nor hear his lieutenant.

"That's crazy!" he mumbled and with a grunt walked through to find himself swirling dangerously. He shut his eyes hearing the door slam shut behind him and ribbons of bright colours started appearing from the vast dark…

"Matsumoto…" he whispered.

…


	26. Frozen Remnants

**Before we move forward, I'd like to say that the first part of this chapter was one i've been planning on writing like forever-it's all from my imagination mixed with those little hints of Hitsugaya's past that is given from the manga/anime. And, unfortunately, Part 2 comes slowly to an end as the next chapter will be the conclusion :( Please don't kill me!**

**Before you do i will name you a couple of songs which inspired me: "Follow the Map" by _Mono_ and "With Rainy Eyes" by _Nujabes_. Beautiful songs from beautiful japanese artists!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Frozen Remnants**

His eyelids felt like made of lead, just like his limbs did. Toushirou pushed with all his strength to raise himself up and tried to make out his surroundings. Being sure that he was no longer in the dark chamber in which Kurotsuchi had led him, he cursed the 12th Division's captain and checked if his Zanpakuto was still tied on his back. With a sigh of relief he scanned a round.

There were trees, bare and fragile swaying their branches in the cold wind. Toushirou frowned feeling actually cold and numb because of the wind. The sky was beautiful and according to the position of the sun it had to be early in the morning. The sunrays were barely visible from the east while the night still lingered to his left.

"Dream world…" he muttered to himself and decided to head eastwards since the place seemed deserted. It could have been a beautiful forest once, but even the ground was absent of any vegetation. Not even birds flew in the sky. It seemed as if a big fire had wiped out all living things from this place.

Suddenly he heard a scream.

His heart stopped beating for a moment enough for him to listen to another one towards the east, but then more sounds followed like quick footsteps on stony ground and claps.

Toushirou ran wishing with all his heart it was Matsumoto, but, as soon as he sprinted up the hill, he froze seeing three small figures running around the bare trees and clapping each time they touched one's trunk.

At once, he kneeled and hid himself behind a rock and observed the three boys. They looked really young; the two had to be five or six years old, while the third could be ten. Toushirou wondered what they were doing in this deserted place and why he had not sensed their _reiatsu_…

But, as he reminded himself that this was nothing but an imaginary world, he heard the oldest boy call his name.

"Oi! Toushirou, you idiot!" the boy laughed and flexibly jumped to grab the thick branch of one tree and land on top of it. Toushirou looked over the rock puzzled and was about to show himself, but then one of the younger boys attempted to touch the oldest boy's legs which were hanging from the tree.

"You're supposed to catch me first, idiot!" he laughed again swinging his leg to irritate the younger one.

"But I want to be chased too! _I'm _always the one chasing!" the little one cried.

Toushirou frowned wondering if that boy had been the Toushirou the older one had called.

"Well, you're always the last one to touch a tree!" the older one jumped off the tree and ran fast heading towards his him.

Toushirou quickly hid himself and heard the three boys approaching. He thought of running away with flash steps, but something held him back. Something was tickling inside of him, like a hunch telling him to stay put. Perhaps these boys had seen Matsumoto…

The first one to pass him by was the oldest of the three and Toushirou caught himself holding his breath as the other two tried in vain to catch up. Right next to the rock behind which he was hidden, the younger one halted and leaned his hands on his knees breathing heavily.

Toushirou looked sideways at him and felt the air suddenly thinner when he noticed drops of sweat dripping from his little temples and the intense dark turquoise tint of his eyes. The boy had a round face and big eyes, while his hair was light brown and spiky. But the eyes… those were _his_ eyes…

"Last one again, Toushirou!" the older boy shouted laughing hard along with the third little brother. Both Toushirou and the little boy glanced at him with a frown, though his was one of total confusion while the little one's of disappointment.

The boy next to Toushirou wiped his emerging tears and ran after them.

"He-hey! Wait!" Toushirou called but the little boy didn't look back.

"Hey… T-Toushirou!" Toushirou stuttered not believing the road his thoughts were taking.

The little boy slowed down his pace and glanced over his shoulder, but his eyes never met Toushirou's, as if the boy could not see him.

"Wait!" Toushirou shouted with all his strength, but the boy never looked back and disappeared between the bare trees along with his brothers…

"No…" Toushirou shook his head and stared at the spot where they had disappeared. He could no longer hear them, and on top he had not sensed them even when they had been standing one step away from him. That boy who had the same name as him; it could only be a coincidence.

Trying to shove away all those assumptions his mind was creating with all he had just seen and heard, Toushirou walked towards the opposite direction, fearing that he would bump into those three brothers again. He walked for a long time and kept his eyes low as he thought over Kurotsuchi's words again; this was a dream world, which meant that his soul was still locked in that strange room in Kurotsuchi's lab, probably sleeping. And so was Matsumoto…

But how could he meet Matsumoto when he was in _his_ dreams…

Was it a trap…

Toushirou halted and grunted under his breath when he realized suddenly that his sandals were wet and his toes numb. Without having realized it he was walking over a snow-covered field, vast and empty, like the one he had so often dreamt of. It was the place in which he had met Hyourinmaru for the first time…

Footsteps echoed from beside him. A small figure crept over the snow like a ghost forgotten from time.

He approached reluctantly while it began snowing. Beautiful snowflakes drifted above him and surrounded the boy as if they were drawn to him. His shoulders were hunched and he was dragging his legs as if he was badly injured. Toushirou gasped when he saw thick drops of blood tainting the fallen snow.

It felt like looking through his own reflection…

As the boy drew closer to him, Toushirou's heart felt like shattering into thousands of pieces because the boy had the same eyes with the boy he had seen earlier. The same eyes as him… and there was one difference that assured all the assumptions Toushirou's mind had been making all this time; this boy that was living his last minutes of his life had snow-white hair and an empty gaze…

Toushirou wanted to call at him, but stayed put knowing that he would not see him, just like those three brothers hadn't. So, he just stood there watching that boy barely moving his feet sinking with each step up to his knees into the fresh snow.

That boy was injured, probably fatally, and he was alone…

His brothers were not here…

Toushirou felt his lips part and something warm tickling his numb from the cold cheeks. His fists were tightly clenched and so were his guts, as if he could feel the void taking over him and the pain in his chest, just like this boy's. As if he was indeed him…

The boy paused, his inhales hissing and he raised his head to stare with those lost eyes into the white sky.

Toushirou did the same and restrained a sob emerging when he heard a thump. He shut his eyes not bearing to see his younger self dying in front of him and let his tears fall…

Along with the snowflakes they fell and floated towards the boy as if offering him a last feeling of comfort and warmth in this forsaken place. The snow had become his only comfort.

Toushirou's breath came in shallow gasps and his chest felt like ripping open as he realized that someone had killed him…

Someone had murdered him…

And he had died alone…

…

The hours he had spent on the rooftop of the only home he had ever known, in Junrinan district of Seireitei were countless. He had observed sunsets and sunrises. He had observed birds hunting and storms approaching. But although he had spent so many hours just by himself, he had never been able to recall a single glimpse of his unknown past. Those remnants of his previous life that dwelled within him had been frozen, waiting to be awakened someday… until he heard Hyourinmaru's echoing voice calling for him…

That dream he had over and over again, that snow-covered field with that scent of familiarity was nothing but his own grave. It was the only thing he could recall. And that killed him, making him wonder why of all things he would only remember that snow-covered field and could not remember a face, or a name or simply the existence of someone close to him, who cared about him and cried about him after his death…

Toushirou fell on his knees and unsheathed Hyourinmaru hearing the distant, filled with uneasiness growl of his in his head.

"What's happening here?" he asked the long katana and observed his altered reflection on the sharp blade. Snow was still falling covering that little body of his younger self under it, until it became another pile of snow.

"I didn't come here to remember…" Toushirou groaned wiping away his tears.

Another growl in his head caught his attention and he focused his spiritual energy in order to summon his Zanpakuto's soul.

The katana glowed in a dim blue light and compressed _reiatsu_ shot through the air swirling fast in order to form a humane shape. Snow from the sky and from the ground was sucked into the swirling light and colours started forming until Hyourinmaru appeared in his human form.

His long green hair danced around his broad shoulders and his eyes, distant yet filled with softness, turned towards Toushirou. There was a glimpse in his eyes making the usual coldness of his stare melt away.

Toushirou let his chin touch his collarbone and sighed.

"A Zanpakuto is a part of a Shinigami's soul…" he began while digging gently in the fresh snow. "… and that means that a Zanpakuto is born with the Shinigami's soul."

"I have been with you from the start." Hyourinmaru spoke Toushirou's thoughts.

Toushirou raised his palm which was filled with crispy snow.

"I died here…"

"Here we became two different souls. Here we were divided." Hyourinmaru's voice was deep and soft, matching perfectly with this vast, soulless place. Toushirou turned his palm upside down letting the snow fall like a single mass on the ground.

"So, when someone dies, his Zanpakuto leaves his body too."

"With death, the soul is released from the body. But only those with enough spiritual energy have their souls divided; into the Human Soul and the Zanpakuto. The two can only become one again when they learn to control that energy that bonds them."

"So… " Toushirou paused and stood up having the desire to sleep forever. He felt tired as if he had been fighting endlessly for days straight. A sigh escaped him once more as he tried to gather the courage and make the question he had so often thought of in the past, ever since he had found Hyourinmaru.

"… are those memories of mine with you?"

Hyourinmaru kept his distant gaze fixed on his for a long moment, until he nodded. Toushirou found it difficult to breathe.

"This is no dream world. This is the world inside of your soul. It's a place where your mind awakens true memories of yours."

"Ours, you mean!" Toushirou said placing his katana back in its sheath on his back.

Hyourinmaru made a step closer to him and looked far away at the invisible horizon, there were the white sky met the snow-covered field.

"Back then it was only you. I came to be with your death. I'm only carrying your memories, because your body decided to erase them."

"My body?"

"If you make up your mind to follow this path, you need to know that there is no turning back. If you find out about your past, you won't be able to forget again, because you are only a soul now." The Zanpakuto looked back at Toushirou and that's when he realized that that glimpse in his blue eyes were tears resting in the corners. "Your body decided to erase those memories for some reason."

"I may have… _had_ brothers!" Toushirou mumbled.

"Do you really want to know?"

Toushirou kicked the snow and grunted glancing at the spot where his younger self had fallen forever, but the pile had vanished.

"Matsumoto needs me… if this place is made of memories, all I need to do is remember one memory of her. One common memory of ours…"

Hyourinmaru nodded in agreement and hid his hands in the long sleeves of his kimono.

"But… please do tell me when this is over. If I had brothers… I want to remember them."

Hyourinmaru nodded again and touched his palm on Toushirou's shoulder.

Toushirou shut his eyes and forced himself to forget all about that lonely boy bleeding to death and those brothers playing in the forest of dead trees and remember Matsumoto's eyes, her soft, playful voice, her velvet lips on his and her burning touch on his skin… but it felt too difficult…

All he could see behind his eyelids were those empty, teal eyes staring into the sky and blood dripping on the pure, white snow…

"Dammit!" Toushirou pressed his lips together and tried to remember the sense of her _reiatsu_, but that felt even harder.

Toushirou started shaking his head desperately, not believing what was happening to him. Why could he not remember her…

"Hyourinmaru, help me!" he cried and grabbed the Zanpakuto's cold hands tight. Hyourinmaru grabbed both of his forearms in response and told him to shut his eyes. Toushirou obeyed and as hard as he tried not to think of those three boys, the harder it felt to take them out of his head.

"Remember her words. Remember what she has told you. What she has promised you."

_That she would always watch over my back. And so would I, but…_

"I cannot remember her!" Toushirou panicked.

"You do not need to remember her face, or her smile, or her look. Remember what she made you feel!"

Toushirou grunted frustrated and angry with himself, when suddenly he remembered warmth. A beautiful warmth wrapping him like a fire in a cold night. It had been yesterday, when he had visited his grandmother along with Matsumoto. Something had happened and she had pulled him back from the darkness. He remembered peace and then he thought he heard her voice whispering into his ear.

"_We will make memories together!"_

A chill ran down his spine and his numb toes and fingers felt alive again.

"Matsumoto…" he whispered and opened his eyes.

The snow had vanished, and in its place was a long beach and the ocean. He felt the sunlight soothing his back giving him a moment of clarity.

Toushirou felt Hyourinmaru standing now behind him while his eyes were fixed on the gentle ripples coming from the distant ocean to transform into waves in front of his feet. Everything was so clear and open here, and the colours of the sea were ones he had never seen before.

All the shades of indigo blue and cobalt blue, of turquoise blue, dark sapphire and midnight blue, white ribbons of foam and white seagulls rushing like rockets over the liquid surface. There were a few scattered clouds floating nonchalantly and the sand beneath his feet was dark, as if all the ashes of the world had gathered here.

Toushirou took a deep breath and felt the freshness of the sea wind.

"Is this another memory?" he asked Hyourinmaru.

But he had the answer right in front of him. The three same boys he had previously seen in the forest of dead trees were all lying on the dark sand with their tunics pulled down so that they were bare-chested. The older brother looked younger than previously, and his hair was slightly longer. Toushirou noticed that his hair was lighter than the younger ones'.

He approached them feeling confident that they would not notice his existence.

He wanted to see them. If they were his brothers maybe if he saw them he would remember…

When he halted a couple of steps away from them that's when he first saw that only one of the boys had that distinctive turquoise gaze. The other two had dark hazel eyes, gentle and innocent.

His younger self was staring at the clouds above him while the other two were giggling and digging their toes in the warm, dark sand.

"The most beautiful shell!"

"The deepest rock!"

The older boy stood up at once and ran into the sea. The other one followed him looking angry for not being as fast as his brother and left the younger Toushirou behind.

Toushirou watched the other two swim away into the sea and dive.

The younger Toushirou finally realized what had happened and ran fast into the sea, but didn't make it far as it seemed it get too deep. The little boy stayed there staring into the blue horizon waiting for his brothers to resurface.

Toushirou approached him and observed his younger self's face. It was so difficult for him to imagine himself with brown hair. That darker shade didn't make his eyes as distinguishable as his white hair did. This boy looked like all the other boys Toushirou had grown up with in Junrinan district, but still this little innocent creature had a depth in his teal eyes that made one's heartbeat skip. Like there was a constant sadness and disappointment dwelling in him, creating shadows over his distant gaze.

Toushirou was about to touch his younger self, but the little boy splashed his hands in the water and chuckled.

The other younger brother first popped out of the water and swam towards the shore panting.

The older brother came up as well and started laughing hard.

Toushirou made up his mind that he didn't really like the older brother. He seemed too bossy over the younger ones.

"Toushirou! We need to move on." Hyourinmaru's deep voice echoed, but Toushirou didn't look at him. He didn't want to leave. Not until he found out their names, he needed to know their names…

"Look! I got the deepest rock!"

"It is unfair! You-you take bigger breaths than me!" the other brother complained breathing heavily.

The older boy threw the round rock in front of the younger Toushirou. The little boy picked it up and observed it with big eyes.

"It is a magic rock!" the little Toushirou commented.

"You are not fair!" the younger shot at the older boy. The older boy pushed him on the shoulder and laughed.

"It's not my fault you cannot breathe properly!"

Toushirou made a step closer, but no one seemed to notice.

"What are your names?" he asked his brothers.

"Toushirou… we need to go!" Hyourinmaru insisted irritating Toushirou.

"The one who possesses the magic rock is the king of the seas! I am the one and you shall obey my every order!" the older said grabbing the round rock from Toushirou's hands and started swirling around himself.

The younger Toushirou followed his example and started giggling.

The third brother didn't look happy at all and he sat down crossing his legs and moping.

"King of seas!" younger Toushirou shouted and tripped over from swirling too fast. The older brother laughed and picked Toushirou high over his head but then they both fell over from the too much weight and started laughing loudly.

Toushirou chuckled seeing his younger self smiling and laughing like a child should…

More tears threatened to appear since he had almost persuaded himself that his childhood could not have been so innocent. He had always thought that he had been alone and never had the chance to laugh about anything…

But he was proven otherwise, and he was glad about it…

He liked his memories…

"Toushirou!" Suddenly Hyourinmaru's big form blocked his sight of his brothers, his younger self and the voices ceased.

"What are you doing?" but the boys had vanished.

"Remember why you came here! I promised to tell you everything, but we have to find Matsumoto-san and leave. This is no good for you!"

Toushirou didn't pay attention in the concern that sounded in Hyourinmaru's voice, but simply searched for any sign of his brothers.

"Matsumoto-san needs you!"

Toushirou met the Zanpakuto's icy blue eyes and remembered the warmth and the peace he had felt earlier. It was a feeling Matsumoto had given him…

"This is why she won't wake up… she's living through her own memories. She is stuck into her past, just like I cannot look away when I see…my…"

Toushirou frowned as he heard those words Kurotsuchi had muttered before he had locked him in that strange room. He had mentioned a kind of souls who feed their spiritual energy from their past. Perhaps this is what he had meant.

"I know how we can wake up. But first we need to find Matsumoto. Can you sense any _reiatsu_? Maybe Haineko's?"

Hyourinmaru shut his eyelids and stayed silent for a long moment as he focused on his surroundings, but a shadow of disappointment crossed his face when he reopened them.

"What if we focus on one memory we all share in common?"

"The _Trash_ world?" Toushirou asked.

Hyourinmaru nodded and he shut his eyes once more. Toushirou followed his example and tried to bring back the snow-covered world and the portal like a rip in the sky. But above all he tried to bring Matsumoto back into his memory…

…

"Pff, why are they so determined to get back into their past?" Kurotsuchi muttered shaking his head as he observed both Hitsugaya's and Matsumoto's _reiatsu_.

Suddenly there was an intense drop in Matsumoto's flow of spiritual energy and Kurotsuchi stopped typing as he glanced at the small screen which provided him image from the interior of the simulation chamber.

The dark-blonde woman had stopped fighting and her arms were hanging like dead over her sides.

The blue-haired captain hunched over his desk to look closer and a gasp of surprise escaped him when Hitsugaya's hand grabbed hers.

"Hmm!" Kurotsuchi saw exactly what he had awaited; both of their _reiatsu_ flickered in an instant.

The door screeched behind him and light footsteps echoed in the spacious lab. Kurotsuchi didn't need to look at his lieutenant who limped towards him, her hands linked in front of her lap.

"You really took all the time you needed to get back!" he commented mockingly and Nemu bowed her head humbly.

"Hai, Mayuri-sama!"

"If he forgets to flip that key, I will leave him there for the rest of the week!" he cursed and headed with heavy steps towards the lit simulation chamber to check on the room's adjustments. "Human souls and their past… so troublesome!" he walked back to his office after he bumped into Nemu on purpose as he passed her by. The young lieutenant kept her head low and made a step backwards. Kurotsuchi noticed deep cuts on her forearms and her uniform partially ripped, but he glanced away at once to look back at the screen.

He grunted seeing that that white-haired kid had yet to flip the key. If he didn't, there'd be no way for him to record all that was happening with the _trash_ souls. This was an experiment he _had_ to complete or else this early morning awakening would be wasted for nothing…

"Why did I create something that depends on the test subjects? They _are_ guinea pigs after all! Dammit!" Kurotsuchi spat and started typing fast again.

"Shall I assist them, Mayuri-sama?" Nemu asked calmly.

"You are useless enough already. And don't interrupt me, pest!"

Suddenly there was a beeping sound and Kurotsuchi chuckled punching his fist on the concrete desk.

"Finally! He really took all the time needed, that-"

A loud knock on the metallic door caused both Kurotsuchi and Nemu to flinch. The captain cursed loudly and motioned Nemu to answer.

The young woman bowed her head and opened the door slightly enough for her to see who it was.

"Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho! There is a situation… we-there is a big group of Shinigami at the west gate. They say they're from the 10th Division and demand to know where their captain and lieutenant are! They-they threaten to enter by force if needed!"

Nemu didn't show a single expression on her face as she looked at her captain over her shoulder.

"Mayu-!"

"I heard him. You are all pests and no one can work in peace in this cursed place, damn you all!" the tall captain walked towards them with long steps and with a banging sound pushed the doors open to come face to face with the subordinate who had brought him the news.

Kurotsuchi's golden eyes glistened dangerously as he grabbed the man's collar and lifted him up with no difficulty. The man cried with fear avoiding the captain's piercing stare.

"What kind of Shinigami are you all if you cannot keep a single group of them outside my Division? Why are you even here, huh? Get out of my sight and do not ever again interrupt me like this or you'll become food for those hungry Hollows in the southern storage room, got it?"

Kurotsuchi literally threw the man against the opposite wall and then looked down at his lieutenant.

"And you need reconstruction, useless object!" Nemu lowered her eyes and bowed her head.

"Hai, Mayuri-sama!"

Kurotsuchi shut the doors behind him and grabbed the back of Nemu's uniform to drag her back into his lab.

"Once I'm done here, it's your turn. Do not move!" he bellowed and looked back at his screen.

At least Hitsugaya had flipped the key and everything was being recorded. Now all he needed was to see if his theory was indeed real, and so he watched for any sign of those _trash_ souls being drawn by Hitsugaya the same way they did to Matsumoto…

…

Toushirou opened his eyes and this time the ground below him was covered in numerous puddles of steaming water, while a vast blanket of smooth white clouds hid the sun and the sky.

And to his surprise he could sense _reiatsu_. All kinds of it; Hollows', Shinigami's even human… and hers…

Toushirou sensed Hyourinmaru beside him and quickly scanned his surroundings to see the ground moving as piles emerged to reveal semi-visible souls with flames flickering in their eye-sockets. There were so many of them and they all gathered towards one place, like vultures over a dying animal.

"Matsumoto!" Toushirou gasped and ran towards the gathering unforgotten souls unsheathing his katana.

Some nearby unforgotten souls who sensed his presence attacked him with great speed, but Hyourinmaru jumped out of nowhere to block their attack. The Zanpakuto soul growled causing the earth to quake additionally and his limbs were covered with cracking ice until his entire body grew in size to become a huge serpent-like ice dragon.

The beast soared into the sky and flapped its wings wide open to block the little sunlight that made it through the cloudy sky.

All the unforgotten souls turned their fire eyes at the sky and screeched causing Toushirou to halt and cover his ears, feeling as if his skull would shatter.

Hyourinmaru growled in response and opened his jaws to spit a jet of solid ice towards them.

"Matsumoto!" Toushirou called again but he halted when he saw another beast emerging from that gathered pile of unforgotten souls. It had dark pink fur and a long swinging tail with green rings. The cat-like beast raised its nose covered with whiskers in the sky and Toushirou immediately recognized those deep-green eyes of Haineko.

"Haineko!"

The transformed Zanpakuto soul met Toushirou's eyes and purred gently, but before she could sprint towards him at least half a dozen hostile souls emerged from the ground and grabbed themselves on the cat's back.

Haineko groaned with pain.

Hyourinmaru heard the cry and began a free fall towards the ground. His scales made of ice glimmered as he was enshrouded with a dim blue light of his _reiatsu_. The dragon reached the ground and with a loud echoing thump landed on top of many unforgotten souls causing a wave of melted snow to splash on top of Haineko.

Haineko growled angrily and her body was covered in an instant with fire tongues.

The unforgotten souls kept their distance from the two beasts, offering Toushirou the chance to search for Matsumoto.

Toushirou ran with flash steps towards the spot where he could faintly sense his lieutenant's _reiatsu_ and stabbed many souls on his way. When he saw the black-dressed figure of hers unconscious lying on the ground, he felt his heartbeat stop.

"Matsumoto!" he shouted and focused his spiritual energy into his katana to throw compressed _reiatsu_ towards the surrounding souls.

He kneeled on the ground and turned Matsumoto's body so that he could see her face. There were cuts and bruises all over her face and limbs, and he noticed that she was only dressed in a short, black kimono. As he grabbed her hands he gasped with the coldness of her touch and tried shaking her to bring her back to her senses.

A moan escaped her parted lips and her eyelids seemed to flicker.

"Matsumoto, it's me! Wake up, we need to go! Come on, wake up!"

Her eyelids continued to flicker as if drowned in a vivid dream, but there was no response.

Toushirou sensed more unforgotten souls approaching, while Haineko and Hyourinmaru were too busy fighting off a larger group of those.

The white-haired captain stood up and remembered the silver key in the pocket of his hakama. He glanced down at it and flipped it. The heavy metallic key, as soon as it landed on his palm again melted and surrounded his wrist to form a metallic armor over his right arm.

"What weird invention is that?" he muttered and raised his katana to slash it into the closest unforgotten souls.

"Matsumoto!" Toushirou growled as he fought the hostile souls and tried to keep them away from his unconscious lieutenant at the same time. "Matsumoto, wake up!"

He thought he saw her fingers move, but that was not enough.

He continued fighting, cutting and slashing, but even though he shouted louder her name, she would not respond.

Toushirou stabbed his blade into one soul and then turned back to Matsumoto to lift her into his arms and ran away with flash steps heading to Haineko and Hyourinmaru.

"Hey, we need to leave this memory! Think of the Soukyoku hill, the time Matsumoto showed us her _bankai_. Now!"

The ice dragon and the ash cat nodded and they all fell in silence as the image of sunset over Seireitei started unrevealing itself on front of their eyes. The unforgotten souls faded into thin air and warm colours had painted the previously white sky.

A loud, continuous buzzing echoed all around them.

Toushirou opened his eyes to see a huge group of Shinigami gathered on top of the hill, with the majority of the captains of Gotei 13 among them.

Glad that they could not see them, Toushirou placed Matsumoto on the ground gently and caressed her face hoping that she'd wake up.

Haineko and Hyourinmaru were panting and glanced at each other in acknowledgement. In a moment both of them had transformed back into their human souls. Haineko collapsed at once, but the bigger Hyourinmaru managed to grab her before she did.

"Matsumoto! Hey, wake up, sleepy head!"

Toushirou glanced at the shiny armor around Matsumoto's right hand and tried to pull it off, not liking the idea of Kurotsuchi watching them. He pulled hard and threw the metallic glove on the ground, watching how it turned back into an old silver key.

He did the same with his.

"Matsumoto!" he whispered into his lieutenant's ear and brushed a strand away from her face. "What beautiful dream are you having?" he muttered noticing her fingers move again.

"That stubborn old hag! Why won't she wake up! The one moment I was the one unconscious and the next it was her!" Haineko complained and groaned grabbing her right thigh which was bleeding. "Stupid disgusting souls!" she spat and pushed Hyourinmaru away from her stubbornly.

"She's going through her past memories."

"Yeah, that's why she won't wake up! We kept seeing her brothers and then you and then her brothers again, and then her father and-!"

Toushirou looked up at Haineko who was staring blankly at Matsumoto.

"What?"

Haineko met his eyes and shook her head.

"Ichimaru Gin…" she mumbled and turned around as if ashamed of revealing more. "His last night in Seireitei, that's the last memory I remember her seeing. Then she collapsed and I was left fighting those creepy souls!"

Next to them the Matsumoto of the memory had just released her _bankai_ and the gathered crowd was watching her with wide eyes and gapping mouths. Toushirou caught a glimpse of himself watching with a hint of a proud smile and in the back the tall figure of Kurotsuchi observing with cold eyes.

Toushirou bit his lower lip as anger filled his insides.

"Matsumoto, please come back! Whatever happened, happened. Please…" he sighed and tightened his grip around her forearm as her head touched his chest. "… you promised we'd make memories together!" he whispered and remembered that injured boy in the vast field of snow. The void in his eyes and the sorrow in his heart, until death took him away…

"Please Matsumoto!" he leaned over her and kissed her cheek feeling his eyes grow warm.

Her eyes flickered and Toushirou skipped a heartbeat when he met her beautiful eyes, warm and gentle drawing him into a world where he had found peace and the love he thought he never had.

"Matsumoto!" he gasped and helped her up as she tried to adjust her eye-sight.

Haineko screamed and kneeled beside them. Matsumoto slowly raised her hand and touched Haineko's pale cheek. The Zanpakuto soul grinned and tears escaped her dark green eyes.

"You silly old-!"

"Don't… call me old! You're as old… as I am!" Matsumoto spoke with difficulty and then turned to look Toushirou in the eye causing his tears to escape. He quickly wiped them away, but Matsumoto grabbed his hand over his face and gave him a weak smile, but a smile nonetheless.

He had missed her…

Relief eased his thoughts and pain…

"Hitsugaya…-taicho!" she chuckled and he smiled at her hugging her tight promising to always watch over her no matter what.

Matsumoto wrapped her arms around him as well and they stayed there listening to the voices of the Shinigami of Seireitei as they cheered for Matsumoto. They stayed there in silence until the gathered Shinigami of the memory had abandoned the hill and until the sun had set to let the stars shine playfully in the night… until their eyes shut and sleep took them over… until they were back home…

…


	27. Daffodils

**Hello there! Thank you very much for your beautiful reviews and all of those who favorited and alerted the story XD**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter which i have been so afraid of posting... T_T

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**Daffodils**

A beautiful silence eased my pain and the steady heartbeat that echoed in my ears gave me a rhythm to focus on so that I could fall asleep, here in his arms…

My limbs had grown numb and it felt hard to feel his touch, but his warmth slowly cascaded over me giving me a sense of what it was to live again…

Everytime I blinked, I had to give myself a moment to remind that I was not watching into my father's eyes, and that it was not Osamu's hand touching my shoulder, and that it was not my grandmother's distinguishable laughter that I could hear in the distance…

I could see the tall trunk of a black pine tree trying to reach the clear sky and its thin leaves rustling…

And then the sky turned dark bringing clouds with it threatening to destroy the peace…

And then I felt thick, ice cold raindrops splashing on my face, but I didn't wipe them away. I simply laid there watching that black pine tree…

And then the sun came up, infiltrating its majestic sunrays through the night clouds, but I could not feel the warmth of them on my skin…

I watched the sun come up three times above me and that beautiful, tall black pine tree, until it got dark again… forever…

…

Whatever happened in the past, made us who we are now, and so I shall no longer regret about it… because it brought me to him…

…

My head hurt as I fought to open my eyelids.

I grunted with pain as I felt an arm wrapping around my shoulders helping me to stand up. Dizziness took over me and the first thing I found to grab onto was my captain's uniform.

"Hey, are you alright?" I heard his hoarse voice, sounding more tired than I had ever heard it and finally managed to look him in the eye.

"Hitsugaya-taicho!" I sighed with relief and wrapped my own arms around him.

Hitsugaya-taicho tripped with my sudden move and we almost fell over, since it seemed I was not the only one feeling dizzy. I chuckled and grabbed him noticing a shadow of grief over his face.

"Let's go. I don't want to stay here any longer!" he said harshly and walked towards a metallic door. I frowned with clear disappointment and scanned a round seeing a spacious concrete room with no windows but metallic pipes running around the ceiling. I rubbed the back of my head having no idea where we were, since the last thing I remember was the sun setting and Hitsugaya-taicho holding me in his arms…

Such warmth… such peace…

The door creaked and I flinched landing back to reality.

When the door opened I immediately realized where I was and what had happened.

Nemu was standing by the door with a strange glimpse in her dark eyes. There were even deep cuts that looked like burns on her forearms and the way she had her arms crossed I noticed pieces of her uniform exposing her pale stomach.

What had happened…

"Kurotsuchi!" Hitsugaya-taicho hissed as he headed towards a firm silhouette standing in front of a huge screen hanging from the ceiling. I narrowed my eyes to adjust my eye-sight in this strange semi-darkness.

"Nemu… what happened here?" I asked her, but she didn't even glance at me as she spoke quietly.

"You woke up after forty minutes of simula-!"

"Nemu, you pest! What did I tell you?" Kurotsuchi-taicho barked making Nemu lower her head.

"Your exquisite collaboration is now done, you can go back to where you came from and give me some quiet here to go on wi-!"

What occured next happened so fast I couldn't really tell what happened when; if Hitsugaya-taicho first punched Kurotsuchi-taicho, or if Kurotsuchi-taicho first drew his Zanpakuto or if my captain first drew his and attempted to slice Kurotsuchi-taicho's side open. But I know that suddenly everything was falling over and both of the captains' _reiatsu_ had flooded the spacious lab like a thunderstorm over a small lake.

Hitsugaya-taicho ran around in flash steps growling with such anger I had never witnessed in him before, while Kurotsuchi-taicho was wearing a panicked frown since all he managed to do was to avoid the furious attacks.

Nemu stood still beside me, her head lowered but her eyes fixed on her captain as if she was ready to intervene at any moment her captain ordered her to.

I clenched my fists and searched around for my Zanpakuto. I tried to sense it and found Haineko's soft and warm energy inside the room where we had been previously, but I hesitated leaving as Hitsugaya-taicho jumped high and kicked Kurotsuchi-taicho's head, but the blue-haired captain suddenly disappeared into thin air failing my captain's attack.

Hitsugaya-taicho landed softly on the floor searching around with his katana raised over his head.

"Damm you, Kurotsuchi! You son of -!"

"Captain!" I shouted and rushed towards the spot where I had seen the air move strangely behind my captain and, suddenly, I found myself with raised arms crossed over my head both burning and bleeding.

"Matsumoto!" Hitsugaya-taicho cried and hit his blade towards the spot where Kurotsuchi-taicho's Zanpakuto had just cut my arms, but the invisible captain had fled the specific spot.

"Matsumoto, are you-!"

"Stop the fight, captain!" I said putting pressure on my injured arms.

Hitsugaya-taicho furrowed his brows meeting my steady gaze. Hesitantly, he turned to look at Kurotsuchi-taicho, who had showed himself again, panting and glaring. The two captains were glaring at each other for a long moment before Hitsugaya-taicho sheathed his Zanpakuto.

Kurotsuchi-taicho's eyes bore a madness I had never witnessed on a Shinigami before, and a wave of fear drowned me in an instant, but I didn't flicker as I stood protectively in front of my captain.

"Mayuri-sama-!" Nemu spoke, her voice breaking slightly, but stayed silent when Kurotsuchi raised his palm towards her telling her not to speak.

"I can stand many things, but not disrespect! You smashed my lab, you-!" Kurotsuchi-taicho roared, but Hitsugaya-taicho walked in front of me interrupting him.

"How can _you_ speak of disrespect?"

Kurotsuchi-taicho's head tilted slightly.

"Being part of the Gotei 13, I learnt to be patient with everyone for the sake of communication between us and Soul Society's peace. I learnt to deal with people I could never befriend in ordinary life or discuss with without concluding to a fight. For the Gotei 13 I became impassive to all those quarrels other captains would have during meetings and I always tried to stay on neutral ground while on urgent situations, but now… _you_, Kurotsuchi, have surpassed all limits I could place. You showed the ultimate disrespect there is! You threatened what I hold most dear, and you tricked me into it just so you could fulfill this cursed experiment of yours!" Hitsugaya-taicho gritted his teeth. "You are my enemy from now on. I can no longer look at you an equal colleague, or a comrade in battle. You are my enemy, Kurotsuchi!"

Kurotsuchi-taicho wore a frown so deep it created a threatening shadow over his inhumane golden stare. He clicked his tongue in response holding his Zanpakuto with the golden handle still in his hand.

"Why would I care what your opinion about me is, or about my ways? I was given an order by the Captain-Commander which I gladly and with enthusiasm fulfilled and that's all. Even if the circumstances were different, I would not seek for your help, because in my dictionary there is no such word as _friend_! There are subordinates and there are higher-ups, and, to me, they are all test subjects!" the captain with the black painted face made a step closer, finally sheathing his Zanpakuto in its case hanging from the front of his sash.

"It sounds as if you're placing the fault to the Captain-Commander's words!" Hitsugaya-taicho shot.

"No!" Kurotsuchi-taicho chuckled evilly. "He just made the whole deal legal!"

Both Hitsugaya-taicho and I frowned with impatience and anger.

"Damm you!" Hitsugaya-taicho was about to release his Zanpakuto once more, but I grabbed his forearm.

He looked up at me confused and I whispered to him an apology for acting like this in front of another captain, especially when I knew how much he needed to let his anger out.

"Kurotsuchi-taicho. After all that has happened, the least we deserve is know what you've found out about the unforgotten souls." I spoke as calmly as I could, though feeling uneasy without Haineko who was still lying in that concrete room.

The blue-haired captain gave me a glance of detest and turned to walk back to his desk. Nemu followed him with her eyes.

"Do not talk to me about what you deserve or not! Why would a part of my experiment want to know about it? Do you think those Hollows I keep want to know what I'll do with them in this lab? Or what will happen to those Modified souls that are as good as nothing? Huh? You're quite naïve thinking that you'll be wiser or more careful in the future if you knew what _really_ went on between you and those _trash_ souls!"

I clenched my fists wishing I really had Haineko in my hands.

"Tell me!" I insisted feeling Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes on me.

Kurotsuchi-taicho glanced at me over his shoulder. There was impatience dwelling on his face.

"Even if the Captain-Commander ordered me to, I would not!" he said matter-of-factly and looked back at his screen.

"No one is ordering you. I only _want_ to know! Because I followed you to get some answers, not to make your day by participating in this experiment of yours!" I said harshly.

Kurotsuchi-taicho turned around at once, his face altered with fury.

"Leave at once, you pests! You destroyed half my Division and my lieutenant requires new spare parts because _he_ went past-!"

"This was no dream world in there, was it?"

Kurotsuchi-taicho was now standing so close to me that made the air around me thinner and too uncomfortable to feel safe anymore. All my senses and reflexes screamed to me to leave, but I had to stand my ground. Here and now, if I wanted to know what had happened in that room…

Why I had seen all those memories taking place around me and why I had seen my entire family surrounding me like predators with fires burning in their eye-sockets…

Why I had seen Ichimaru Gin's back turned towards me as he announced casually that he would be leaving for _a place more interesting_, as he had said…

"Why did you interrupt me, you whore-!"

"What is this room?"

"Shut up!" Kurotsuchi-taicho hissed, his eyes hypnotizing me like he had done at Kyoraku-san's party.

"These souls were awakened again because you made us to! You brought us both in a place we could see the past and so _made_ us remember and desire a place back in our previous lives! Why did you call them back? They need this peace, yet you-!"

"I study them, that's all to it!" he bellowed.

"So, they were real? These souls?" I asked in a raised tone as well. I felt suddenly Hitsugaya-taicho's grip around my arm.

Kurotsuchi-taicho blew hard from his nostrils and turned around making his long-sleeved haori dance around him.

"This was a simulation chamber. With a simple sleeping gas you reach the level of rapid eye movement and dreaming at once." Kurotsuchi-taicho began, his back turned towards us. "The scenery is being created by the test subject itself. I only told you what I wanted to see, so you did. But the mind is one thing not even I have fully examined. That is why you first went through all those other sceneries."

"You mean memories?" I asked.

Kurotsuchi-taicho gave me a killer-glance and nodded after a moment of silence.

"These sceneries are real?" Hitsugaya-taicho spoke calmly.

"They originate from the test subject's brain. They can be dreams, real memories or even a place from a story one has read." Kurotsuchi-taicho replied and started moving his fingers on his desk impatiently, his nails scratching the concrete surface with each beat.

For a split second I thought I saw something disappearing in Hitsugaya-taicho's gaze making me miss a heartbeat as I wondered what indeed my captain had witnessed while he was trapped in that strange dream world. If I had seen so many scenes of my previous life- parts which I remembered- then what could Hitsugaya-taicho possibly have seen since he had no memories of his childhood…

I looked back at Kurosuchi-taicho noticing how he was on the edge of losing his patience again.

But I needed to know the thing I came here to find out…

"Will they ever appear again? The unforgotten souls?"

Kurotsuchi-taicho and Hitsugaya-taicho looked at me.

"Just like Hollows, these souls once destroyed become particles of spiritual energy. There is a difference though between the particles a normal soul is divided in after death and those of a _trash_ soul…"

I was about to correct him, but I knew we were all sitting on the edge. We had all grown tired and frustrated with everyone, so I decided to stay silent.

"They become something more primitive."

"So… there is no chance for them to regenerate? To become what they were?"

"I know what regenerate means!" Kurotsuchi-taicho spat.

I lowered slightly my head without taking my eyes off of him.

The blue-haired captain sat on his big chair as his eyes wandered away onto the glowing screen, the only source of light in the spacious room.

"My theory is that… they can only be reborn. Become parts to form a new life form. But that's a matter I shall investigate farther after…! Well, not today!"

Kurotsuchi-taicho fell silent and I glanced at my captain who was too lost in his own thoughts. The grip in my chest only grew tighter as I observed the anger in his dark turquoise eyes turn into pain and sorrow…

It felt like staring too long in the night sky and slowly being drifted away by the limitless darkness while the tiny, faint sparkling stars disappeared in the background compared to the vastness of the night… and it was no beautiful feeling, because I knew that it had been my fault.

It had been my fault for following Kurotsuchi-taicho that morning and it had been my fault for assuming that Hitsugaya-taicho would not follow me…

I had dragged him into this… I had been the cause for him to face a past he had never known… a past that probably had been forgotten for a good reason… a past that made him look so… empty now…

I had caused him pain…

…

When we walked outside that underground lab, we faced a sunny morning warming up Soul Society while, to our shocking surprise, half of 10th Division were waiting for us at the gates of the 12th Division's buildings.

Hidetoshi and Kagetora had led an entire group of armed Shinigami holding a big piece of white cloth in the shape of a rhombus and the number ten on it waving it in front of the officers of the 12th Division.

But, even though I had Haineko again in my hands and we were all heading back home safe and sound, I could not even force a smile on my face just so that I could express some gratitude to my comrades of my Division…

I couldn't…

Not when I could no longer see all those beautiful things I used to see in my captain's eyes, since they had all been drowned by such a void greater than the one I had witnessed in his dark turquoise eyes yesterday during our lunch at Ren-san's.

Not when I was the reason for causing it…

And my feelings of guilt and anger towards myself boosted up when Hitsugaya-taicho disappeared from my view with flash steps. I heard Hidetoshi calling his name, but there was no response.

"Poor Captain! Do you think they will take his seat, just like those guys from 12th Division said?" he asked Kagetora with a frown of concern.

"No idea… Hitsugaya-taicho is one of the best and most promising captains in Gotei 13's history, but… he did some things that could not be forgiven…"

I felt my heart sink, almost vanishing inside of me.

All he had done was to come and save me…

"What… did he do?" I asked suddenly, although I had already guessed the answer the moment I laid eyes on Nemu after we walked out of that concrete room.

"He destroyed two buildings they say and-!"

"And attacked the two highest-ranks, or rather the three, including their captain!" Hidetoshi added.

"And half of the guys who kept us out of their headquarters were already injured!" Kagetora said, a bright smile appearing on his scarred face.

I shut my eyes letting some of the guilt appear on my face as I walked in front of them.

"I'd give anything to see him mad! I mean _really_ mad, like pissed off! Or else he would not have done what he did!" Kagetora chuckled and I restrained my fist from landing flat on his face.

"I wonder if he killed anyone!" Hidetoshi muttered.

I couldn't listen to them anymore, so I ran away with flash steps after I whispered to myself those words…

"He killed_… himself…because of me_!_"_

…

When I reached the 10th Division's headquarters I ran immediately to my captain's private rooms, but they were empty. So were the office and the assembly room. The kitchen and the men's restroom …

I couldn't sense him anywhere and it ate me alive. I grunted and headed to my own private room, shutting the sliding door behind me locking everything outside.

And then I felt him…

First his chilly _reiatsu, _and then his hand, rough and colder than mine. My heart started beating wildly in an instant and so did my mood.

I turned around noticing his black-dressed figure standing in the shadows. My lips parted and, without a second thought, I found his lips and cupped his face in my palms. I could feel his lips stiff, but I could not stop… I didn't want to…

Hitsugaya-taicho's hand touched gently the base of my neck and dug his fingers into my loose hair causing me the goose bumps. I deepened the kiss at once touching him more and more, feeling all my previous feelings of pain, guilt and anger giving way into this wave of lust and passion and, slowly, I could feel it from his part too.

His lips suddenly were higher than mine as he stepped on the tips of his toes and I felt him leading me deeper into the shadows of my rooms. When our feet met the soft futon, he lowered and I followed kneeling beside him.

Hitsugaya-taicho pushed himself towards me meeting my lips and letting his hands now fall down my shoulder blades and reach my waist, while all I could do was kiss him, deeper and slower so that I could feel him at the same time caressing me…

But suddenly I was left in midair as he had stopped and leaned backwards looking away from me.

I found myself panting and shoved a lock from my face.

"Even if… I ask a thousand times for your forgiveness, I will never deserve it." he said in an undertone.

I frowned and touched his firm jaw to make him look at me.

"Because of what you just did, or becau-"

"Yes… because of what I just did."

His eyes were locked with mine and I tried to distinguish that void I had seen previously, but it was too dark to tell…

"Why should I forgive you? There was nothing wrong in it!" I whispered desperately.

Hitsugaya-taicho bit his lower lip. As he looked away, a ray of light showed me what guilt would have looked like on my face a couple of minutes ago, instead it was carved on his. I gasped.

"I intruded into your room… I'm sorry!" he said and stood up to walk away, sliding the door shut behind him.

I felt my eyes grow warm as one thought remained there in my head, shoving away all others.

Why had he kissed me this way…

Why did he look so guilty, when I should be the one doing so…

Why did he act so secretive and so… as if he…

As if he was saying goodbye…

I never let that tear fall, I just wiped it away. But more came and I wiped them all away.

Why had he asked for my forgiveness…

…

The rest of the day I spent it in my room, unable to comprehend with all that had happened in such a short amount of time. I often caught myself trying to remember details from those memories I had relived, or trying to remember how my father's voice sounded like, or how Osamu's wooden fighting stick felt like for the first time in my hands…

And then Hitsugaya-taicho's guilty stare would appear like a haunting image there between the shadows of my room.

I laid in my futon with my Zanpakuto in my tight embrace and slept deeply, for the first time, with no dream to dwell later in my head. It was a relief. Only the distant scent of a blooming field of daffodils would linger…

But then I would remember that ecstasy taking over me as I felt Hitsugaya-taicho's hands all over me… trying to feel me, trying to possess me… for one last time…

…

A new day had risen when I finally decided to leave the shadows of my private rooms and make myself decent to face whatever obstacle would appear from now on.

The Division sounded as loudly as ever as I followed the wooden veranda that led to the back door of my office. I let my eyes wander in the beautiful gardens and the tall black pine tree which stood protectively over the rooftops. Birds flew in and out causing its branches to shake as if it was greeting me.

I smiled with that and walked into my office, finding it empty. With a frown of disappointment I glanced at my captain's tidy and empty desk and sat at mine. I leaned my elbows on the desk and let my forehead fall on the surface.

A sigh escaped me and decided to prepare some tea before I'd start thinking too hard again…

The hours passed and my captain didn't show up. I even went to check at his private rooms, but I never got a reply.

So I sat in silence in my office trying to work, but couldn't, and trying to get my mind off of things, but couldn't.

It was already past noon when Gato Masanori, the 6th seated officer of 10th Division appeared at the open door. Gato-kun was one of the youngest seated officers who had only recently received the seat. He was the loyal and obeying type who never asked questions to his higher-ups. But I had heard gossiping going around that he was quite a drinker… not that I would remember.

Although that seemed like a very long time since I last touched a drop…

How often had I been found by Hitsugaya-taicho lying half-dead on that sofa with the worst headache…

I sighed and rubbed my eyes as I gestured Gato to enter.

"Matsumoto-fukutaicho. I was ordered to tell you to go to the White Forest at the Soukyoku hill."

I opened my eyes and finally looked up at the dark-skinned young man.

"Wha'? Why?"

Gato's dark eyes flickered as if he was nervous.

"At the White Forest?" I wondered. "By whom? Hitsugaya-taicho?"

Gato nodded and lowered his gaze.

"Hai!"

"Stop being so formal. Sit!" I said calmly.

Gato hesitated but when he met my eyes he proceeded. As he sat he looked even more nervous.

"What did he tell you? Tell me everything!"

"Everything?"

"Yap! Do not leave anything out!"

Gato looked away as he began.

"Well… he had just returned from the Captains' meeting this morning and he said he wanted me specifically to deliver to Matsumoto-fukutaicho this message. That he had arranged everything with the Captain-Commander. I… don't know what he meant, though."

The grip in my guts tightened at once.

"There was a Captains' meeting?"

"Yes… about… what happened yesterday."

My mouth went dry.

"Why had I not been summoned? I was there too!" I asked with a raised tone.

"Hitsugaya-taicho said that he had arranged everything."

"But… how? Why?"

Gato shrugged and was about to leave, but stayed put as I spoke.

"Do you know if… they're going to send him away? For what he did yesterday."

Gato looked at me for a long moment before shaking his head.

"I do not know."

"Dammit! It's Kurotsuchi they should send away! He's the bastard, he's the-!" I stood up with clenched fists and watched down at Gato. "I promise you that I will not let our captain leave! Not now!" and I stormed off to head towards the forest of white-leaved trees which extended over the east side of the Soukyoku hill.

…

White hair and a white haori over his shoulders, white leaves rustling above him like floating pillows of snow and a sea of white and yellow daffodils waving around his ankles… only the image of him looking so distant in this picturesque forest assured my fears.

Slowly I approached him, taking one step at a time as I stared at his back fearing he'd flee anytime now.

When I finally could see the right side of his face I couldn't restrain a smile as his beautiful eyes met mine. There was no longer this terrifying void that had been haunting me all night, and there was no guilty expression, only calm and beauty; his tanned skin, coming in contrast with his snow-white hair, and his deep as the ocean eyes which could make me feel so special and unique solemnly because they were looking at me.

The corner of his mouth curved and he turned around to see me.

I halted trying to control my breathing pace to ease the warmth inside of me and the burn in my eyes.

The daffodils, little bells in white and yellow, danced and it seemed as if the soft howling of the breeze came from them. Their scent reached my nostrils and their sweetness immediately managed to bring some peace of mind from all those thoughts of him leaving…

"Even here, in this enchanting clearing, you… you're the most beautiful of all…" he said and looked away to hide the blush I could see from here.

"Such sweet words coming from you, Captain!" I chuckled and decided to go nearer. "What's the occasion?"

Hitsugaya-taicho hid his hands in the sleeves of his uniform and walked as well.

"The occasion?"

"Yes… when you do reveal your feelings, then… well, I always feel afraid!" I forced a smile, but Hitsugaya-taicho's frown proved I had not succeeded in it.

"Then… I shall keep them silent, if you feel this wa-!"

"No! No…" I cut him off and shoved a strand from my eyes away. "I rarely know what you're feeling, so… even if they mean that something bad will happen, then… I won't mind. As long as I know what is troubling you."

Hitsugaya-taicho sighed and smiled.

"Something bad, huh?" he muttered and shrugged as his eyes wandered over the white leaves of the numerous trees around us.

He remained silent for a long moment in which I noticed a glimpse of that void appear in his lost gaze.

"You saw something in that room… didn't you?" I said and he finally looked at me. I furrowed my brows with confusion when I saw a smile appear on his lips.

"Yes… I saw a family. And I was part of it. Or my younger self was!"

"Really?"

Hitsugaya-taicho nodded but then a shadow appeared on his face.

"But… I still do not remember. And Kurotsuchi's words… well, it could be that I saw things I _wanted_ to see."

"You mean-"

"They could be fake images. Beautiful, but fake. Sceneries and… _people_ my imagination made up!"

"And you base this on Kurotsuchi-taicho's words?" I placed my hands on my sides. "This man spits one lie after the other! What _I _saw, they were all true memories. Every single one of them, so why would it be any different for you?"

Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes stayed fixed on mine as he thought over my words.

"There is only one way to find out if they were indeed real or not."

There it was… he would leave… to find out about his past…

"You will search for them? For your family?"

Hitsugaya-taicho frowned and his arms fell on his sides.

"Matsumoto…"

"It's about time! Yes, you should!"

I looked away feeling the burn in my eyes increase instantly.

"Ren-san will be pleased! She said that one day this would happen. It's important to know about our past, because it made us who we are now!"

The first tears fell and I wiped them away. I turned my back to my captain and took a deep inhale as I looked up at the sky.

When I turned to look at my captain again, I fought hard not to collapse. I could see the guilt appearing all over his beautiful features. The last thing I wanted was to keep him from going just because I was being over-sentimental about him leaving.

He deserved my support, since I knew how important this was to him. He didn't need to feel guilty for leaving…

So, I closed my eyes feeling the breeze flood my senses with this mesmerizing sweetness of the daffodils and when I opened them again I saw leaves like snowflakes falling over us.

Over Hitsugaya-taicho…

"Hitsugaya-taicho… please do go! And I will support you all the way! I will be here protecting our Division until you return to be its Captain again. To be… _our_ captain again!" this time the smile came easier. "You deserve all the best there is!"

Hitsugaya-taicho lowered his head and rubbed the back of his head.

"Take all the time you need, and do not worry about us. We will make it! And I'll do everything to keep our Division from turning upside down… until you return of course! Perhaps Hidetoshi and Kagetora will get out of handle and Gato will go crazy with worry about you. You know how much he looks up to you, but… I know how to control those guys!"

"Matsumoto…"

I looked into my captain's eyes and felt amazingly relieved when I saw a smile on his face.

"Thank you… thank you!"

I chuckled and felt my face burning with this sincere look he gave me.

"Ah, never mind! I… well, yeah! Great, you're welcome! I'm still the lieutenant, so… that's the least I can do!"

Hitsugaya-taicho shook his head as he kept his tempting eyes on me.

"Matsumoto, you're so much more than just my lieutenant!"

"Ah, well! It's no reason not to go and… do what you have to do!" I suddenly desired to leave and hide in the privacy of my rooms again.

No… I wanted to turn back time back to yesterday… the moment I had entered my room, and felt him… the moment I finally tasted him again and the moment I felt his hands all over me… the moment I realized how much I needed him to remind me that there were millions of reasons to be happy and millions of reasons to wake up the following morning… millions of reasons to smile, just so that I could see him smile…

"Everything… happens for a reason, but we often forget to search where it actually led us to, and just ask ourselves why it all happened in the first place." He said, his voice sounding older and wise. And so did his eyes when I managed to look through the tears of mine. "When you first appeared in my life, you had been just another one of those Shinigami from the Court of Pure Souls that I despised… but that night when you talked to me about _reiatsu_ and you told me to become a Shinigami myself, I saw something in you that made me want it. I wanted to be like you; wise and strong enough to never hurt people again, but to protect them. But I was too preoccupied with the life I used to have and how I… how I stood out in the crowd, even when I learnt to control my spiritual energy's flow. I never searched for the reason. Why this all happened…"

Hitsugaya-taicho made another step closer so that I could clearly see the ring of teal in his irises.

"The reason had appeared to me right from the very beginning; in the form of that wise Shinigami who had appeared to me that night. A soul like myself who had managed to overcome through the difficulties and become something more. Someone important. Someone others would count on and someone who'd be an inspiration for others."

I chuckled.

"Captain! I could not have been all this back then! Definitely not!" I shook my head in disbelief.

"You were to me!"

"You've got it all backwards!"

"Backwards? I didn't even know what a Zanpakuto was back then!"

"Yeah, well! Perhaps I was… some of this back then, but as soon as you stepped into the Shinigami academy you surpassed me. I remember you, Hitsugaya-taicho. I may no longer have been in the academy, but I watched you. And you possessed an air no one else had. This is why you graduated in one single year. This is why you became a Captain in a blink of an eye-!"

"Because of you!"

I was about to speak, but my lips parted without letting a single sound.

"Why… are you telling me this? Why now? Because you're leaving? Because you don't plan on coming back?" I looked at him and the grip in my guts tightened.

"Matsumoto… I'm sorry!" he simply muttered.

I heaved with a sigh and swallowed with difficulty.

"Hitsugaya-taicho… I _will_ be waiting for you!" I told him as determined as I could sound without breaking apart right here and right now.

Hitsugaya-taicho's lips parted, but I never heard his voice.

I turned around and ran away with such speed I had no idea I possessed. The White forest became a blurry background because of my warm tears and it felt so hard to breathe because of this damned grip in my chest…

If I had been the reason for him to become a Shinigami, then I hoped that I would be an enough reason for him to return back home…

…

…

Snow…

One could describe it as snow, even though it's not…

Diamonds…

For someone who does not know our story may say they resemble diamonds fallen from the sky…

But they're not.

In the White Forest which covers the east side of the Soukyoku hill in the middle of Seireitei, I witness her tears on her beautiful face. The face I had kissed so many times… The face I would not see for a time I could not calculate…

I was hurting her, even though she had tried hard to persuade me otherwise. But I've known her for more than hundred years. We've been working and living together for more than hundred years. Of course I could tell when she was lying to me… and to herself…

Still I thought it was brave, because I could not pretend…

Even though my face was calm and my stare distant, my heart had broken into millions of little sharp pieces now piercing through my own soul. Because I had hurt her…

I had been the reason for her to shed tears, when I had promised to her that I never would…

And I was…

Matsumoto Rangiku…

White, velvet petals float nonchalantly above you as if they're drawn from your extraordinary beauty and trying to compete with you, in vain…

Swirls of dried leaves surround you like a magic cloak that protects you from the harm I'm causing you…

And your eyes fixed on mine. That grey with that light blue… like the morning sky a little after the dawn.

You were the reason I made that first risk in my life; to become a Shinigami. And now you're the reason I dare take this step to discover my past and everything that is hidden in it. Memories I do not know, and memories I was always afraid of reliving.

You are the beginning of my change…

Just like the dawn reflected in your eyes…

Matsumoto Rangiku…

I would give anything to give you that kiss again, but I know it will only make it more difficult than it already is.

I promised to you that I would never leave you…

And I won't…

Even though you might not notice, I have made all the possible arrangements to keep you from harm, and keep you protected when I won't be there.

The importance you hold for me you may never truly know, but know this; I will always watch over your back. _Always…

* * *

_

**Oh dear... this was the last chapter of Part 2 (Restless Nights) of this story.**

**Please tell me what you think! And if you have any questions feel free to ask.**

**Hopefully you're not _that _mad at me for ending it like this, and perhaps i'll bring a smile on your faces telling you that i really do want to write a little Part 3: one that'll take place far later in the storyline with the same main characters... what do you think?**

**Thanx again for taking this little journey with me! It's been really fun! Take care ;) **


	28. Howling Nights

**Yuhuu! I'm back XD**

**I apologize for the long wait - i encountered some problems with my account and couldn't upload new chapters, but it's solved (thanx FanFiction!).**

**Thank you so so much for your beautiful reviews! Here is Part 3- enjoy!**

**I do not own Bleach (i added a little list with all the seated and non-seated officers of 10th Division that have appeared up to now in this story-everyone except the 2 obvious do not belong in the Bleach-universe, just mine!)**

* * *

**Part 3 – Apart Like Night And Day**

Hitsugaya Toushirou – Captain

Matsumoto Rangiku - Lieutenant

Sakurai Hidetoshi – 3rd seated officer

Ito Aika – 4th seated officer

Shimada Kagetora – 5th officer

Gato Masanori – 6th seated officer

Motoni Chiyo – unseated officer

**Howling Nights**

Have you ever felt like a small cloud in the vast night sky, being drafted by the wind where no one can see you…

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd of people you know…

Have you ever felt that everyone else is happy, while you are the only one walking alone…

My breathing is heavy and my tears are burning. My lungs ache due to the sobs that would not let me breathe properly, and my eyes are swollen, hardly revealing to me the shadows in my private rooms because of the thick tears that flow endlessly.

I clench my fingers around the futon beneath me, fighting to let out some of the anger building up towards myself. The pillow feels soaked and I raise my head tiredly to let another sob make my lungs burn once more.

In a night, it all had turned upside down…

The moment I thought my life would finally come to a smooth flow, darkness filled my every thought, and every thought spun around him. I had no courage and strength to stand up. Honestly I didn't want to. I was tired and I could not be brave like him…

I could not pretend anymore that I was okay with this…

My head sank back in the pillow and I slammed my filled with spiritual energy fist on the wooden floor causing it to crack. I groaned hearing nothing through the pillow. More sobs caused my torso to break into spasms and I hold my breath as I saw the last image I had of him behind my shut and swollen eyelids; his shadow lingering in front of the thin paper wall outside my private rooms where I had locked myself after I left the field of daffodils in the White forest.

Why hadn't he knocked…

Why hadn't he entered just like he had the previous day when he surprised me with that last kiss…

Why could he not say properly goodbye to me…

Another groan escaped my lips through the pillow. I stood up and threw it on the wall, causing my Zanpakuto to fall down from its wooden stand.

With huffs and puffs I stared into the nothingness biting my lips so hard until they almost bled.

Why was I reacting this way…

Why was I being so damn selfish…

I knew the reason he left, and I supported his decision because he deserved to know. But still I was breaking down, falling apart as if this was indeed goodbye. As if I would never see him again.

Hitsugaya-taicho left two days ago in order to find out about his past, taking only Hyourinmaru with him.

My captain was a man with no memories of his previous life before he entered Soul Society. He grew up in ignorance, while the rest of us contemplated in those distant corridors filled with images of our past; our families, our friends, our childhood adventures and precious experiences. All those things that make us who we are now…

My captain had none of those, and so I prayed- something I had never done before- for him to find the truth. A truth he deserved; a happy life and a family.

But at the same time, I wished he'd reach a dead-end soon so that he would come back to me…

Indeed I'm selfish beyond limits…

With a heavy sigh I brushed a hand over my wet face and fell down on my knees.

This is no way to go on…

If I truly care about him, I have to overcome this unbearable selfishness and support him with all means, or else I'm not a worthy Lieutenant… let alone a worthy companion…

I let a long unstable exhale feeling the sobs subside and the tears stop flowing… finally.

I don't deserve him, I've known that from the start. He is far superior to me, because if I were in his shoes I would not be able to leave everything behind. I'm simply too scared. If I had no memories of my previous life, I would have been too terrified to face a past I had no clue of; what if it held horrors and tragedies that would kill me inside. What if I found myself drowned in those times and found no way to come back to the now and risk the life I had already built…

He is indeed brave…

A chuckle broke the dead silence in my room and it sounded so strange in my ears.

He is brave and he is strong. I know he would not let whatever laid hidden in his past take the toll of him. He would not lose himself in the process. Unlike me, Hitsugaya-taicho can see through things steps ahead hypothesizing every scenario that could occur. Unlike me, he would not act out of the blue with any strategy and, so, I calm myself thinking that he must have thought of the possibility that his past might hold something that could cause him excruciating pain and so have prepared himself to face it…

Yet saying it in simple words is nothing compared to the reality.

I lifted Haineko, protected in a dark red, polished sheath and placed her gently on the wooden stand which I had previously knocked down. When I touched the handle I let myself drift along with her sleeping spiritual flow, calm and steady like the summer night that lingered outside my private rooms.

"Hitsugaya… -taicho!" I gasped and cried myself to sleep, only when a warmth so familiar and welcoming enshrouded me protectively sounding like the perfect lullaby in my ears.

It felt as if he was there beside me, his arms wrapping around my shaking shoulders and his exhale warming up my wet face. It was bliss and I dreamt of him standing firmly on the rooftop of his grandmother's house letting me embrace him and protect him from the monsters of his past…

…

Three weeks had passed.

Minutes had turned into days, days had turned into weeks and it felt like an eternity. Like my mind could no longer tell dreams from the truth…

Though time had become an unimportant factor in the afterlife, since it flowed so differently compared to the world of our previous lives and carved uniquely on every individual, it had become important to me.

Time was my only way of controlling this heaviness on my heart which seemed to worsen the more I thought about it and that excruciating feeling of drowning, because the air tasted differently and felt so much thinner with the absence of his refreshing _reiatsu_ in it. When I walked in the buildings of the 10th Division I would always stop in my tracks every time I caught an intenser hint of his scent and his _reiatsu_, especially around his private rooms… but I never dared entering them. Not that much out of respect, but mostly, as selfish as it sounded, to keep me from breaking down one more time…

Since that night, two days after he left, I had not shed a single tear again.

I couldn't break down again… for the sake of the Division which I had promised to him I would protect, I couldn't. I had told him that he need not worry about us, that we would make it until he returned…

_If_ he returned…

Every sigh aches like tens of blades cutting through my skin. Whenever I think of that despising word _if_ I try to correct myself and think of _when_ he'll return.

Just like I said; time –a factor no one could control- was the only obstacle that kept him away from me…

But the word _if_ includes the possibility of him never _wanting_ to come back…

In order to remind me that, I had provided myself a calendar from the Human world and often caught myself guessing when I'd feel his bracing _reiatsu_ flooding my senses again… when I'd set eyes on his angular, tanned skin again… when I'd find myself lost in the swirls of teal in his dark turquoise eyes of his… when I'd feel his burning touch on me again…

But up to now all my guesses had been wrong, disappearing along with the days that passed. And, as if this was not enough to torture myself, I was the one to turn this guess-when-Hitsugaya-taicho-will-return into a game…

…

One month and five days had passed since he left.

I had spent another night at the office with eyes wide open, rarely blinking to relieve the dryness in them. The shadows of the night were transforming into playful black silhouettes of imaginary people dancing on the wooden ceiling, though they were only the shadows of the branches of the black pine tree which stood protectively over the one half of the buildings of 10th Division.

I straightened my back with difficulty when I woke up from this daydream, feeling the tight muscles of my back as stiff as a tree's trunk.

I groaned feeling the lack of working out taking over me, as I had been spending numerous hours in sitting position behind those four walls. Here, where his _reiatsu_ was still sensible…

With a sigh of depression, tiredness and anger I stood up to make some tea.

The birds were still singing their morning song when the first sunrays made their way through the windows and I heard the door screech followed by footsteps. For a split second my heart stopped beating and I froze trying to listen to any sound that would prove the identity of the newcomer.

There had been no knock on the door.

I slowly popped my head from the small room used as a kitchen to peek inside the office. When I saw a glimpse of jet black, spiky hair, I found my breath again and slammed a fist on the bar.

The newcomer jumped in terror and turned to reveal his face to me.

"Oi! Good morning! I-I didn't see you there!" Hidetoshi laughed nervously and approached me as he touched carefully his freshly fixed with gel hair. The piercings on his brows, ears and nostril glimpsed as he walked through a sunray and offered to help me with the tea. He furrowed his brows with concern when he looked at me.

"Everything alright?" he asked with an energy in his voice I could not stand in the state I was.

"Yeah…" I said blankly not trying much to keep an expressionless face, since the nights without sleep had taken away all my energy to even be angry or annoyed with anything .

"Wanna hear something funny?"

I didn't bother to nod, but my silence seemed to be all he needed to go on.

As I walked back to my desk with a cup of black tea in my hands, he talked animatedly.

"I had this dream! A Hollow as big as the Soukyoku hill stood in front of me, its mask like a plushy-bear's and its voice was nothing but a cat's meowing! It looked down at me and I raised my Zanpakuto saying that I would not give it my sandals. You see, he wanted my sandals! Anyway, then it laughed, but it was a meow, and I covered my ears and it laughed louder until the earth started shaking and-" he sat on the couch with his own cup of tea and chuckled as he remembered the rest of his weird dream. "and then Hitsugaya-taicho appeared! Out of the blue!" I gave him a glance feeling a light grip in my guts in the mention of his name. "He was speaking to me but all I could hear was a high-pitched meowing coming out. And the Hollow laughed hard and looked down at Hitsugaya-taicho and said "Hey, we speak the same language!"" Hidetoshi laughed hard, almost spilling the tea but hurriedly placed it on the low table.

"Hitsugaya-taicho speaks cat-ish! It was hilarious!"

"Who won?" I asked suddenly, not really realizing where my question had come from.

"Huh?"

"Who won? The Hollow or you?" I yawned not bothering to cover my mouth.

"Ah! I don't know. It ended there with Hitsugaya-taicho meowing! Then I saw three-… well, never mind!"

I placed my feet on my desk and leaned back on the chair licking the warm tea from my lips.

"It's time for the next guess." I said simply.

Hidetoshi glanced at the calendar hanging behind me and frowned.

"Again?"

"You lost. You said he'd come yesterday, but… he hasn't! You have to make a new guess. Everyone has."

"No! Kagetora lost too. He had said he'd return two days ago or something like that."

I glanced at the calendar and grabbed the black marker.

Beside the calendar there was a cut piece of scroll were all the seated officers' names had been written down along with slashes next to them. Each slash indicated one wrong guess; a guess of when Hitsugaya-taicho would show up again. Up to now only Ito Aika, the 4th seated officer had the smallest number of slashes; two. Hidetoshi had just reached four, while Kagetora had five.

I had seven.

"Make a guess."

Hidetoshi rubbed the small facial hair on his pointy chin as he stared thoughtfully at the calendar filled with exes.

"I might be getting a little pessimistic, but… in a week. On the 21st then."

I marked the new guess while I muttered inside my head that it had nothing to do with pessimism, but with reality…

"Gato-kun has made the best guess." I commented as I flipped the covered with different exotic places calendar. "His latest guess is in three months."

"Well, he's the most pessimistic of us all!" Hidetoshi said stretching his arms over his head.

I stared at the crossed date of Gato's guess with the grip growing tighter inside of me.

"Or maybe he just knows something that we don't." I muttered but Hidetoshi didn't seem to have heard.

…

The moon had risen in the filled with stars sky when I finally decided to retire back to my private rooms, which were much more comfortable than the office. This time I decided to force myself to sleep, or else I would not be able to go through another day like a walking corpse.

As I walked through the veranda which surrounded the sleeping barracks of the 10th Division's Shinigami, I crossed my arms in front of me scanning a round at the beautiful gardens.

The cherry blossom trees were filled with green leaves and the wildflowers, the daisies and the daffodils all had shut their velvety petals in a deep sleep. Cicadas were the only sound beside my soft footsteps and the gentle rustling of the branches of the black pine tree.

Everything seemed so beautiful and peaceful, except the one thing that was missing for over a month now; his soothing and calming _reiatsu_ in the air…

His absence grew only intenser as time passed by, because his presence imprinted on the walls and in the office, in the assembly room and in the gardens grew fainter and fainter…

But, as strangely as it sounded, I had never felt lonely at those moments of the night when I was alone…

Once the moon reached its peak, a warmth so beautiful and welcoming, protective and thrilling would take me to a place where he was there beside me, making me feel special simply by looking at me. Ever since he had left, during the night my senses would flood with a _reiatsu_ so similar to his. Though soon I made myself see that it could not be him.

Still, this was the only way for me to feel at ease with his absence, and find the courage to see another day for the sake of my Division.

Though it felt like him, or perhaps I just wanted it to be him, it was not.

It was Gato Masanori's.

He was the 6th seated officer of 10th Division, a young man who had only recently graduated from the Shinigami academy and, accomplishing to graduate in only two years, was immediately offered a seat in the Division. I remember the day that I had found him; a boy in his early teens wandering in Hokutan district, in the west of Junrinan district, with a black cat following him. There was no fear in his dark like the night eyes or confusion on his dusky face, only a genuine smile the moment he realized what I was and why I had come to him.

He had caught my attention in a similar way Hitsugaya-taicho had when I first met him in that small shop that sold sweets, and now I realized that it had been their _reiatsu_. They both had a _reiatsu_ so unique, filled with uncontrollable flickering and waves of intense spiritual power, like a friendly touch followed by the threatening raise of a hand.

Genuineness and threat in a single flicker of their spiritual energy; that's what had drawn me to them.

But since that time, both Hitsugaya-taicho's and Gato's _reiatsu _had improved drastically. Now it was familiar and refreshing, like the humid breeze you expect to feel at dawn when you walk outside your room…

And now, it was Gato's _reiatsu_ that spread all over the gardens filling all my senses giving me the delight to think of Hitsugaya-taicho in a calm and peaceful way and with no anger or guilt, which pierced my chest during the daytime.

They were indeed so similar…

I heaved with a sigh and closed my eyes in relief letting this spiritual energy flow cause me the goose bumps, as if he was standing behind me trailing his fingertips over my bare neck and slipping under the fabric over my shoulders… as if I could feel his warm exhale on the back of my neck causing my own hair tickle me… as if he kissed the side of my face whispering my name with his deep, hoarse voice…

At first I couldn't believe it myself either; how Gato-kun's _reiatsu_ could make me think so intensely of Hitsugaya-taicho. But it brought me comfort and, after seeing that Gato would let his _reiatsu_ flow like this every single night, I persuaded myself not to think it over too much, or else it would probably become more complicated than it already was.

I had seen Gato's figure, blended efficiently with the shadows on the rooftop of my private rooms, but I never found the courage to ask him… to thank him…

And because of this had I thought that, perhaps, Gato knew something about Hitsugaya-taicho that the rest of us didn't. But I wasn't mad, I was just… too worried.

I leaned over the banister of the veranda taking a deep breath trying to catch a glimpse of Gato's figure through the corners of my eyes, but tonight he was better hidden than other nights. I walked to my private rooms looking forward to the dream I'd see this time…

…

One month and two weeks had passed since Hitsugaya-taicho had departed from Seireitei.

Lately, the days passed by without much realizing it. Having assigned myself busy most of the time fulfilling duties of a lieutenant and a captain, I was always in the company of most of the seated officers of 10th Division. It was as if they too wanted to keep themselves busy, probably for the same reasons as mine; we all wanted this Division to keep standing tall, even while its Captain was not here.

Yet, I could see it in their faces; Kagetora, Hidetoshi, Aika, and all the seated and unseated officers didn't work hard just out of duty, but out of pride as well.

10th Division was our home, and we had all silently vowed to protect it doing our best.

I was grateful for their help and their understanding, because they kept me from breaking down again. Thanks to them the days had become tolerable, if not sometimes even funny.

Having turned the office into a seated-officers' meeting point would definitely not bring a smile on Hitsugaya-taicho. He would go mad if he saw Kagetora and Aika have turned the low table into their new desks and Hidetoshi searching through his drawers. At first I would shout at him, but soon I gave up, seeing that if Hidetoshi had found something private of Hitsuagya-taicho he would have found it by now.

Even those small things would make my day and I found myself observing everyone in a way I never had before, as if I was recording it in order to tell it someday to Hitsugaya-taicho. Have a laugh over our colleagues and their distinguishing ways of taking the lead when someone was tired or frustrated with his or her work.

For example, when I would stretch my arms after writing down reports for hours, Aika would rush over my desk with her shoulder-length blonde hair tied in a bun so that she'd take over my work. And when Hidetoshi would come all sweaty and panting from patrolling Rukongai, Kagetora would grab another group of unseated officers and take over him.

They all worked harder than usual and nothing was left unattended just because we knew we wouldn't hear Hitsugaya-taicho's strict voice criticizing over the gardens' mess or the dirt gathering on the veranda because someone forgot to take off his sandals or the dusty bookcases in the office. We worked each day as if Hitsugaya-taicho would appear the next…

I was studying a large scroll with basics on medical _kidou_, searching for some details I needed to fill in a report, when I felt Gato's _reiatsu_ approach the packed office. I stopped reading and found myself holding my breath as I wished that this _reiatsu_ was actually Hitsugaya-taicho's.

I was, of course, proven wrong when Gato Masanori appeared at the open door asking permission to enter. I didn't notice him holding his fist raised in front of his chest.

Hidetoshi laughed from Hitsugaya-taicho's office, who was re-checking the reports I had just filled, as he glanced over the too formal dark-skinned man.

"Geez, don't stand there like a statue! Hitsugaya-taicho is not here yet!" Hidetoshi snickered.

Gato opened his mouth about to say something but, hesitantly, walked inside attempting, in vain, to loosen up his firm posture. I noticed him approaching me and for some reason I tried to focus on the little _reiatsu_ he let himself escape.

Now I was nervous myself when he walked over my desk, and I closed my eyes at once when I saw his fists clench on his sides. I tried to think of the sunny day over the gardens to calm my thoughts, but Gato's _reiatsu_ only brought images of the journeys I took during the nighttime in my mind.

"Ehm, Matsumoto-fukutaicho…" Gato's deep voice echoed and my feet at once shot me up from the chair and I found myself looking straight through the young man's eyes, which were so different from _his_ dark turquoise ones and slowly my swirling thoughts subsided into a controlling flow as I was reminded who was _really_ standing in front of me.

"Rangiku-san!" Aika muttered, but I didn't pay attention.

I frowned wondering why I was suddenly so confused, when I could perfectly well tell Hitsugaya-taicho's and Gato's _reiatsu_ apart. There was no way I could mix them, it would be like mixing names. It was distinguishable for every individual and, even though their _reiatsu_ was so similar, I would never let myself forget of Hitsugaya-taicho's actual print, just like I would never forget his scent or his taste although sometimes his image or the sound of his voice would become blurry from my memories.

Yet here I was, staring into Gato's eyes unable to speak a single word in fear I'd say something that he would misunderstand.

Gato looked away nervously since I had been staring at him too long. The office fell silent and everyone turned to see what this uncomfortable atmosphere around us was about.

"Lieutenant, I…"

My eyes watched Gato's fleshy lips and I furrowed my brows even more when I could not remember Hitsugaya-taicho's exact lips' shape… why couldn't I…

Then my lips parted when I finally saw why he had been holding his fist in front of his chest. A Hell Butterfly was resting on top of it, its velvety, black wings glowing with an iridescent glow from the sunrays. The black Hell Butterflies were the means of communication between the Gotei 13.

"Oi! Gato-san, will you finally say what you came here to say? Cat got your tongue, or what?" Hidetoshi's loud voice echoed like a thunder in this long silence.

Gato turned to look at his higher-ranked Shinigami and swallowed with difficulty.

"I'm sorry… I-!"

I raised my hand and the Hell Butterfly flapped once its beautiful wings to land on mine.

A whisper, distant but piercing echoed inside my ears. It was Sasakibe-san's voice, the lieutenant of 1st Division. He announced a meeting at the assembly hall in the 1st Division headquarters for all captains of Gotei 13 to attend.

"There's a captains' meeting taking place tonight at sundown. It says… I shall attend it in…" Gato turned to look at me. "… Hitsugaya-taicho's place." I wondered if he was still nervous as he looked at me, or if it was a look of concern. The Hell Butterfly flew away drafted by the afternoon breeze having fulfilled its task.

"A captains' meeting?" Aika asked, her voice sounding deeper than usual.

Gato and I nodded.

"What for? What's wrong again?" Hidetoshi asked standing up himself from the captain's seat, as if he finally realized the disrespect he showed towards Hitsugaya-taicho. Gato replied.

"The message didn't say more than this. But it stated no emergency. They usually mention it if it's an emergency… right?" he asked.

Hidetoshi met my furrowed glance and I sighed brushing a palm over my face.

"The captains of Gotei 13 only meet when it's an emergency, so…" Hidetoshi left his words linger in the air as they all exchanged worried looks until they all turned to me.

"Maybe they really insist on you having the 3rd Divi-!"

"The Captain-Commander would not make such a fuss for this matter!" I cut Hidetoshi off and walked towards the open door to feel some fresh air feel my lungs and dissolve this intense tickling of Gato's _reiatsu_ on all my senses.

"Could it be…" Aika spoke, but paused as if the words she were about to say would jinx it.

We all looked at the blonde 4th seated with furrowed brows.

I heard swallows and nervous footsteps and I tried once more to keep myself from running away from this place, from this world where everything reminded me of him. But everyone was counting on me.

I searched for the sun in the clear sky feeling my lips part.

"Let's not make hasty assumptions. In a couple of hours we'll find out and I shall inform you right away."

"What if something bad happened to him?" Aika gasped covering her mouth with her palm.

"If he had returned, we would have felt his _reiatsu_, Ito-san!" Gato spoke up, sounding suddenly stronger than the rest of us. Our eyes met, but he immediately lowered his gaze.

"Yes… yes, you're right!" Aika muttered, but she was obviously too shaken up to believe it.

It seemed that I was not the only one dependent on that white-haired captain, and seeing Aika reaching her limits of breaking down it, strangely, brought me courage to stay calm and face whatever news would be revealed… if this meeting had anything to do with Hitsugaya-taicho…

They depended on me more than I depended on them, and so, as my obligation towards my subordinates and friends, I reassured them that nothing bad could have happened to Hitsugaya-taicho, that he was able to face anything and that we ought to believe in him.

He was the Shinigami every seated officer of 10th Division- and not only- looked up to and we wanted to believe that, if he had returned, he would have come straight to his Division, to us… to me…

Kagetora comforted Aika, who had started crying in silence and Hidetoshi tried to cheer her up, telling funny stories. Aika's face soon was bright again and I smiled watching them laughing over a prank Kagetora and Hidetoshi had once done on Hitsugaya-taicho, sticking on all his reports inappropriate pictures they had cut from a magazine for men they had provided from the Human world. I remember how angry I was for missing the captain's reaction, since, once more, I had been lying unconscious on the sofa after a long party…

While the three sat on the sofa, I crossed my arms on my chest and glanced at Gato who was smiling as he listened to Hidetoshi's stories.

"Gato-kun…" the young man turned towards me. "I'd like to have a word with you."

Gato nodded lowering his gaze, as he did every time I looked at him and he followed me outside the office towards the gardens.

I sat down on the veranda and let my legs swing as I let my eyes find the peace in the daisies that danced nonchalantly with the breeze and the white and yellow daffodils swaying like ripples on a pond. I felt Gato keeping a distance from me and I motioned him to sit as well.

Hesitantly he sat next to me, keeping though enough space between us for two more people.

I felt his _reiatsu_ almost disappearing, as if he was restraining it all from flowing. He did look tensed and he seemed to stare at something beyond this world as he hid his hands in the sleeves of his uniform… just like Hitsugaya-taicho often did…

I looked away at once and chuckled with the row of my thoughts.

"Gato-kun… thank you!" I finally said and a smile formed on my lips.

Gato looked at me dumbfounded.

"Matsumoto-fukutaicho!"

"You know what I'm talking about." I met his flickering gaze and smiled. "Don't you?"

"I-I'm sorry!" he said looking away.

"You saved me from letting everything, including myself, from falling apart, so don't apologize!"

Gato's breathing pace sounded unsteady and a hint of his _reiatsu _escaped him.

"Do not restrain yourself like this, I don't mind!" I tried to make him loosen up, but it seemed he only grew tenser. A deep frown was carved on his forehead and his heart was visibly beating fast from the arteries on his tattooed neck. "I don't want you to collapse from exhaustion because you keep your _reiatsu_ hidden all the time like this!" I warned him in a serious tone, and he finally looked at me.

"Hitsugaya-taicho told you to do so… didn't he?"

Gato sighed and looked at the gardens in an attempt to keep the obvious answer hidden from me.

"He's really…" I began but the words disappeared when I saw Gato's hand holding a small, rolled scroll. He offered it to me with a simple nod of his head.

"What's this?"

"Unfortunately I'm not good with words, Matsumoto-fukutaicho…. He wrote this. I was ordered to keep it hidden, but…"

"Then keep it hidden, Gato-kun." I said simply and looked down at the scroll in my hand and offered it back to him, but he shook his head.

"He also said that… I was free to decide whether to give it to Matsumoto-fukutaicho or not. And when."

I frowned and my head felt warm as curiosity started taking over me.

"What? Why would he say that?"

Gato pressed his lips together. His eyes met mine, this time though his were the ones being steady, while mine were the ones flickering nervously.

"I wish he had given me clear orders!" Gato said in a raised tone, but lowered his gaze looking ashamed for doing so. "He told me that… when I thought you were yourself again, I should give it to you."

I placed the scroll on my lap and tried to imagine him saying these words to Gato. I tried to remember his voice, but… I couldn't.

"Yet he told you to keep it hidden."

Gato nodded.

"That doesn't make sense!" I chuckled.

"He obviously meant to keep it hidden until the right time."

I looked him in the eye.

"And why is now the right time?"

Gato was about to speak, but hesitated.

"Because you were the Matsumoto-fukutaicho I admired back there!"

My eyes stayed on him as he self-consciously tried to look anywhere else but me.

"If he told you anything else worth mentioning, tell me now. If tonight's meeting has anything to do with him… I want to be prepared." I said coldly.

Gato remained silent for a long moment in which we heard Kagetora, Hidetoshi and Aika leaving the office and walking towards us.

"Matsumoto-san! We decided to accompany you to the captains' meeting. We want to know right away if… anything has happened to Hitsugaya-taicho!" Hidetoshi announced.

I looked up at them and then back to the silent Gato, who seemed determined not to look at me.

I stood up and looked with a serious face at the three Shinigami.

"I need you here. If word spreads out, the rest will become worried and you need to keep things calm."

"But-!" Aika spoke but I gave her a glance of reassurance, feeling my palm burn as I tightened the grip around Hitsugaya-taicho's scroll.

"Gato will accompany me, and I shall send him at once when I know what it's all about."

Hidetoshi, Kagetora and Aika glanced at Gato who had just stood up, his gaze still avoiding mine.

"Alright, Matsumoto-fukutaicho!" Kagetora said and pushed the other two forward. Hidetoshi was about to complain, but Kagetora stopped him and they walked away from my view.

"Gato-kun…"

"I'm really sorry for causing you this trouble!"

"No… no, you caused me no trouble. Hitsugaya-taicho trusts you. So do I. And so I won't push you to tell me anything. Whatever was said between you two, will stay between you."

"He was devastated. He didn't make this decision as easily as it looked."

My fingers fidgeted around the string that kept the scroll tied and a weak smile formed on my lips.

"I know!"

Gato finally looked up to me, fear and deep worry painted on his boyish face.

"He would have given you this scroll before he left, but… he couldn't. He said that it would only make things more difficult."

I chuckled feeling my heart beating fast with how easily Hitsugaya-taicho had seen through everything. As if he knew…

"Did he now?" I whispered looking down at the scroll.

Gato nodded.

But I didn't need any confirmation. Indeed if I had received that letter right after he left, I would have never been able to recover that night when I broke down. Imagining what he had written, I guess I would have drowned into my lonesome depression even deeper, until there was no turning back. Until sorrow would have erased everything else around me and nobody but Hitsugaya-taicho himself would be able to bring me back…

I smiled and made the decision to read it once the captains' meeting was over.

Even though he was so far away from me, he still made my heart feel so alive, as if everything around me was new and freshly born. As if everything was first; every breath of breeze on my skin, every smile on my lips, every song of the cicadas, every sway of the black pine tree's branches…

As strange as it sounded, it felt as if he had turned the world upside down in order to keep me from harm…

A little before sundown, Gato and I departed from the headquarters of 10th Division to head to the captains' assembly room at the headquarters of 1st Division and, with an unprecedented fire of courage and strength burning inside my chest I walked, ready to face any obstacle, whether it had to do with Hitsugaya-taicho or not.

At the moment I was left with the responsibility to watch over 10th Division, and it was then the first time I actually felt confident and qualified enough of being a captain…

…

A thick cloud of vapors floated over Seireitei due to the dense humidity as the moon reached its zenith.

Since my mind was no longer rushing through agitated and worrisome thoughts concerning a specific someone, I decided to take a stroll through the sleeping Court of Pure Souls. I had sent Gato-kun out to inform the 10th Division about the true nature of tonight's meeting like I had promised them.

A big number of Hollows guided by Menos Grande had evaded Soul Society and had been feeding on souls in a village in the far north of Rukongai. The fact that not only Hollows but also more superior beings like Menos Grande had broken through the protective void that separated the Hollow world from Soul Society had worried the other captains. Most of them had already heard of this disaster.

But it seemed 10th Division was too busy coping with its life without its captain.

Kuchiki-taicho's Division was assigned with the mission. Even Soifon-taicho had agreed to offer her assistance.

They were both very powerful Shinigami, so there was no need to worry. Just like no one had worried during that last mission in the Human world. They all had trusted Hitsugaya-taicho's and Kurotsuchi-taicho's potentials…

Every time I thought of this blue-haired man, I felt a chill run down my spine. It had been one and a half months since that incident in the headquarters of 12th Division and tonight was the first time we met again. I had no strength to look him in the eye and, as if this was not enough, I had to stand between the captains right next to him. I remember trying to focus on the Captain-Commander's sayings instead of feeling the 12th Division's captain's tremendous _reiatsu_ swallowing my faint one.

Luckily, I noticed Kira-kun attending the meeting as well and the moment Ichimaru Gin crossed my mind, Kurotsuchi-taicho's threatening presence vanished into thin air.

Now the meeting was over, without much realizing it, I had taken the deserted dirt road that led to the hot springs which I had visited along with Hitsugaya-taicho right after Kyoraku-san's party.

That was quite a long time ago. And I had been quite drunk while Hitsugaya-taicho had eaten a big box of ice-cream all by himself.

I chuckled to myself and walked between the slippery rocks and the mold growing close to the hot streams. Clouds of vapors made the air hotter and wetter.

I took a deep breath and tried to remember the details of that night, like what flavor of ice-cream Hitsugaya-taicho had been eating, what he had said to me and how I had convinced him to follow me to the hot springs in the first place.

Without even glancing to check if I was alone, I took off my black uniform, untied my sandals, placed Haineko gently on the pile of clothes and walked carefully over the slippery rocks and into the water.

I felt at once sleepy and leaned against one of the bigger rocks closing my eyes.

I remembered this game at Kyoraku-san's party, which Yachiru-chan, 11th Division's petite lieutenant had come up with; which was my breasts' size! Hitsugaya-taicho and Hisagi had got the closest answer.

I chuckled letting my chin touch the very warm glass surface of the spring.

"Hmm!"

For a split second I actually felt the warmth of the water flowing through me, but perhaps it was just the calm thoughts that lit a gentle fire in my chest. Hitsugaya-taicho's face, Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes, Hitsugaya-taicho's hands… his voice…

I'd give anything to hear his voice in the still night.

My lips touched the warm water until it almost reached my nostrils.

If I could fly, I'd soar through the night to search his _reiatsu_ so that I could just tell him… tell him what he meant to me… and tell him that I am still waiting for him… and tell him that I…

"Matsumoto-san!"

Accidentally I inhaled hot water and started coughing.

"Guh! What the hell?" I looked up at the slim figure of Kira Izuru, 3rd Division's lieutenant. One abandoned by his captain, just like myself…

His bleach-blonde, shoulder-length hair hid almost half of his face the way he always stood slightly hunched, while his eyes rarely focused for two long on someone else's gaze. He was a quiet person, the total opposite of me. He despised crowds and he preferred staying far away from the center of attention. But I liked his personality. Behind this weak mask of his he was one of the strongest souls I knew, because, although he had been literally abandoned by the captain he looked up to, he had never once let his Division down.

I had never heard of him breaking down because of it.

After I made myself get over Gin's departure, I only felt pity for Kira and I actually smiled arrogantly thinking back then that something like that would never happen to me; that Hitsugaya-taicho would never act so selfishly like Gin had…

But… I could _not _compare Hitsugaya-taicho and Gin… no.

Instinctively my fingers trailed over the smooth golden chain around my neck.

Kira avoided my gaze and turned around though still standing there, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"I'm sorry for disturbing like this! Please… do not misunderstand me!" his voice trembled slightly.

I closed my eyes for a long moment before speaking up.

"You should come inside. It's perfect!"

I could easily tell his embarrassment the way his back stiffened. I smiled.

"Huh? Ehm… maybe… another time?" he flickered giving me a quick glance over his shoulder.

"Oh don't be shy! It's not like I'll see something new!" I teased him.

"Matsumoto-san… I wanted to talk to you! Not-"

"Then why didn't you approach me at the 1st Division's place?"

"Ah… you left so… quickly!" Kira sighed and turned around to face me. He brushed a palm over his face shoving blonde strands from his face.

"Come in! I won't bite!" I said, this time in a less teasing way and swam farther into the spring to give him space.

After what seemed like an eternity in which I lost myself between the vapors and the sky filled with the dim, silvery light of the moon, I heard the water moving. First I saw his shadow behind the floating vapors and then his tomato-red face as he approached me. When he met my eyes he flinched and swam backwards.

"It's quite deep here!" he commented and grabbed onto a rock, but it was too slippery.

"Calm down! It's not like you're going to drown!"

"I _can_ swim!" he said coldly.

We stayed silent while I enjoyed the peace and listening to someone else's breathing except my solitary one, and he seemed to be thinking too hard.

"What's on your mind?" I asked, my voice almost a whisper.

Kira let a sigh.

"It's been so long since I last went to the hot springs." He said.

"Mmm! Me too! No time I guess!"

"It is… difficult without a captain."

I glanced at him noticing that he was watching me.

"It is strange how you thought that there was no way a captain could be responsible for _so_ many things, and then, when they're gone and you're left behind you're dumbfounded at the amount of work they actually have to take care of!" he said and chuckled.

"Yeah… though I think it's more due to the fact that suddenly we're responsible for two people's work. Ours and theirs."

"Yes, but still… I never remember Ichimaru-taicho sending out the reports or studying! I mean... ha!" he laughed and looked at me with a smile. I rarely remember Kira smile. "I've never studied so intensely, not even in the Academy!"

"Mmm! Some reports are killers, aren't they?"

He looked up at the sky while I noticed how his hair got damp by the emitting humidity. He brushed them backwards revealing his face.

"Why do…" I began but cut my sentence feeling my cheeks burn.

I looked away. He had called Gin _taicho_.

"If I tell you out of habit, you won't believe me, will you?"

I frowned lightly as he gave me a gentle smile. He had read my thoughts.

"He's not your captain anymore!" I pointed out matter-of-factly.

"He's the last captain I had, and I am nothing more but a lieutenant. Without a captain, I cannot call myself a lieutenant, can I?"

"So … you are hoping he'll return?" I asked in a whisper.

Kira's smile faded away.

"I know Ichimaru-taicho is a proud man. He would not taint his dignity this way. But… I don't want to let go of that little hope I have!"

"That needs some guts, Kira-kun! Because… everyone else has given up on him!" or at least _I_ had.

Kira chuckled.

Once more there was silence. I closed my eyes and felt like letting myself drown into the warm peace, where it felt like _his_ arms were around me and _his_ lips were the ones making mine feel so wet and warm.

I felt like crying again.

"Matsumoto-san." I felt like waking from a deep sleep.

Kira had approached me and was looking at me with a determined look that scared me for a moment.

He stood up straight, the water surface barely reaching his chest and he bowed causing his forehead to touch the spring's surface.

"Matsumoto-san, please become 3rd Division's captain!"

My lips parted as I stared at the hunched blonde lieutenant. He was breathing heavily making his shoulders move up and down as the tip of his nose was in the water. I pushed him up and smiled.

"Don't joke around, Kira-kun! You've managed superbly until now without a captain! Don't be that desperate!"

"Despe-! No, Matsumoto-san, I'm being serious here! Please, become 3rd Division's captain! No one else could fit in this place better than you!"

He bowed again, but I pushed him up straight once more.

"Please think it over! I'm sorry for being so persistent, bu-!"

He was about to bow again, but this time I smacked him on the back of his head causing it to splash. He managed to inhale some hot water and coughed loudly stepping backwards.

"What's wrong with all of you wanting me to become captain all of a sudden, huh? First the Captain-Commander, then Hitsugaya-taicho, now you! Really? Is there _no one_ else better than me?" I exhaled loudly through my nose and stood up to walk out of the springs which felt now too hot.

Kira quickly looked away from me with a red face.

I put on my clothes while my hair was dripping.

"Forgive me…" Kira said in a grief tone.

"I cannot tell what it feels like being abandoned by the person you look up to and have trusted for so long, because _my_ captain will definitely return. May it be tomorrow, may it be in a hundred years I know he will return! And so I cannot simply leave my post. I'm not just a lieutenant who wants to become a captain. I am a _captain_'s lieutenant! That's it! And don't insist anymore, because my answer will be the same."

Kira simply nodded in acknowledgment and I ran away in flash steps with Haineko in my grip and Hitsugaya-taicho's scroll burning from the inner pocket of my hakama.

…

At the gates of 10th Division's headquarters I was greeted by the guards and by a very familiar _reiatsu_ which lingered in the air like the smell of your favourite food.

I had tied my long hair in a bun with my dark pink sash and the collar of my uniform was soaked wet.

"Gato-kun!" I stopped in my tracks the moment I reached the front doors of my office. The headquarters seemed to be in sleep, as if the news that tonight's captains' meeting had nothing to do with Hitsugaya-taicho had brought some peace and calm to the Shinigami of the 10th Division.

Out of nowhere the dark silhouette of Gato appeared beside me. He bowed his head formally.

"Matsumoto-fukutaicho. I delivered the messa-!"

"Yeah, I know! I want to ask you something!" I said straight-forward looking him in the eye. He was taller than me and needed some time to finally focus on my gaze. As always he looked nervous.

"Do you reckon I'd be a good captain?"

Gato raised absent-mindedly his eyebrows and I chuckled with this reaction of his.

"Got it! No need to answer!" I moved my hand and was about to head to the office to write down about tonight's meeting as it was required. All Divisions had to keep a diary of important matters, like meetings or problems within the headquarters and such. It was another one of those things I found out after Hitsugaya-taicho had left.

"Matsumoto-san! I-I didn't mean it that way! Ehm!"

I looked around at him.

"Ever since Hitsugaya-taicho has left, you… you have become so much more responsible and serious! Ah, no-not that you weren't before, bu-!" I chuckled. "You'd make a terrific captain, Matsumoto-san!"

"Thanks! And you'd make a hilarious lieutenant, Gato-kun!" I winked at him and left.

"Good… night!" I heard Gato mumble and smiled at him over my shoulder.

The notes I scribbled in the Division's diary were short and difficult to understand since my eyelids felt so heavy. I barely managed to find my way to the sofa where I sank into a deep sleep forgetting of that burning scroll in the inner pocket of my hakama. It seemed the humid air of the hot springs had jaded me.

Gato-kun's _reiatsu_ filled in that never-ending gap in my dreams painting images of my white-haired captain. I dreamt of him in the form of a white cloud shaped as a serpent-dragon soaring over snowcapped mountains, and then in the form of a white wolf howling at the lonely night...

I woke up early in the morning with a tight grip in my chest fearing that those vivid dreams could be an omen of what Hitsugaya-taicho might be going through. I frowned and sighed wondering if he was in danger… if he was alright… if he was finally considering of taking the way back home…

After taking a shower and put on a new pair of clothes, I sat cross-legged at the veranda in front of my private rooms with a view over the gardens. I sipped my tea and took Hitsugaya-taicho's scroll.

It felt strangely heavy on my palm.

I placed the cup of tea on the wooden floor and unrolled the scroll.

Although I had encountered my captain's handwriting too often in the past weeks with all those files and reports in our office, it still brought me into a reminiscent mood because this time it was directed to me. His fine, small handwriting.

He definitely didn't possess the art of calligraphy, but still I felt like falling in love with the characters and the fact that this scroll had been touched and hidden by him. And the thought that he had been thinking of me while writing this caused me the goose bumps.

It said:

_To Matsumoto Rangiku_

_We met 110 years ago when you appeared suddenly in my little life telling me to become something great. Something I despised then. Something I didn't deserve back then._

_And 109 years ago I met you again standing in front of the officers of 10__th__ Division looking down at me with dumbfounded expressions! Though now when I think of that day I laugh, back then I wanted to slap all of your faces for not even trying to look a little more discreetly and less shocked at me!_

_But all this time, thanks to your open-mindness and your blunt character you were the bridge between my cold behavior and the officers' fearful approach. If I didn't have you by my side, I would have probably failed as a captain._

_Thank you!_

_So, now I want to show to you the same trust you showed me back then and encourage you to accept Yamamoto-sotaicho's and the captains' offer of becoming 3__rd__ Division's captain._

_The moment Yamamoto-sotaicho announced this proposal I talked highly about you at once. I knew you could make it, and the last events in our last mission only brought out more of the virtues you possess that prove of your suitability of becoming a great captain. Many of the other captains spoke highly of you too. So, do trust their opinions. _

_I wish I knew what is on your mind. Maybe you are considering of taking this higher-up seat and, so, I will support you and offer you all the help you need. But, if you decline the offer, I will still be by your side. As always._

_Besides I doubt I can imagine anyone else tolerating me!_

_But, I do not want to cloud your decision._

_Whatever you choose I'd be more than honored to be considered by you as a trustworthy friend!_

_Yours,_

_Hitsugaya Toushirou_

I chuckled and glanced once more at the date scribbled on the far right of the scroll. It stood 5th of August. It was a couple of days after we had returned from our last mission in the Human world. It was before our relationship had turned into something more intense, something more magical…

A sigh escaped my parted lips and I re-read it a couple of times.

"Yours… Hitsugaya… _Toushirou_!" I muttered. I don't ever remember saying his first name. Maybe once behind his back and then once in front of him. Yes… it was during that beautiful day we had spent together, at Ren-san's place.

It felt strange to say out loud his name. Suddenly his existence took another level inside of me. As if he became more approachable.

"Toushirou…" I whispered to myself again and smiled. I remembered the way his lips would curve every time he tried hard to restrain a smile.

"Toushirou…-_kun_?" I grimaced. No, that sounded too weird. Too informal. Maybe if I did become a captain one day I could call him Hitsugaya-kun.

"Hmm!" I glanced at the gardens and imagined his face if I called him like this. He would frown with irritation. Besides Hinamori was calling him this way. I couldn't call him the same, right?

I giggled like a schoolgirl and hid the scroll in the inner pocket of my hakama.

…

Three months had passed since my captain's departure.

The first traces of winter erased the vivid colours of summer. The cicadas no longer sang their rhythmic songs in the night and the sun would set earlier vanishing behind the dense forest on the west of Rukongai. The gardens' colours grew dimmer and the blossoms had been blown away by the wind.

Only the black pine tree stood unchanged over the one half of 10th Division's headquarters.

Kuchiki-taicho's squad had returned long now from their mission. Word spread out that Renji Abarai had been seriously injured and hospitalized for a whole two weeks at the Medical Facility in the 4th Division's headquarters.

Kagetora and I had visited him bringing him a bottle of sake- in secret- and a bunch of lovely daffodils.

Abarai had quickly grabbed the glass bottle and hid it behind his pillow, before Kuchiki-taicho had turned to notice.

Kagetora and I had laughed hard while being glared by the stoic noble Captain of 6th Division.

The Shinigami of 10th Division had got used to living without expecting in anticipation for our white-haired captain, yet still I often caught a glimpse of sad frowns from my subordinates every time they walked by his private rooms. There was still a faint trace of his distinctive _reiatsu_ lingering there.

But Gato-kun would let his own _reiatsu_ flow freely in the air every single night, bringing out memories and thoughts of Hitsugaya-taicho over the 10th Division.

It was soothing, calming. But a couple of nights ago I realized that I didn't actually need that comfort anymore. Simply reading that scroll of Hitsugaya-taicho before I fell asleep, would ease my mind enough to let me have some rest. So, I had decided to tell Gato to stop this night activity of his, but I never got a chance to tell him because I had overheard Aika and Chiyo, Hidetoshi's girlfriend and unseated officer, talking about Gato's _reiatsu's _similarity with Hitsugaya-taicho's. I had never thought that it could be comforting for the rest as well.

Hitsugaya-taicho had indeed thought it all over before leaving his Division behind… as if he wanted to prepare us and tell us that last goodbye…

These thoughts crossed my mind too many times, and I always managed to convince myself that I was wrong.

By now, our game of guesses had grown too pessimistic. Kagetora's last guess was in almost one year, and I only picked out dates randomly not wanting to show my thoughts of lost hope to my colleagues.

…

Five months had passed since that Hitsugaya-taicho's departure.

I had just returned from a visit to Ren-san along with Hinamori. She had cooked for us and we spoke a lot about Hitsugaya-taicho. Both Hinamori and I had lost our enthusiasm so Ren-san had tried with all means to cheer us up. She began a game of _shogi _with Hinamori, but the 5th Division's lieutenant lost in only fifteen minutes, and made us come up with _haiku_, poetry with a specific number of syllables and subject in which we both failed.

It had been a pleasant afternoon, but too much information on Hitsugaya-taicho always made me gloomy. And his strong _reiatsu_ still lingered all over my senses. It was strange how his _reiatsu_ had been so intensely imprinted in a small house which he had been visiting only twice a week for the last hundred years, while in his Division's buildings it started to feel as if he had disappeared.

Fortunately Gato-kun never took a night-off and made us all remember what it felt like having that white-haired captain watching over our every move.

I was sitting on a bench in the gardens of 6th Division. They were so much more beautiful than the 10th Division's gardens. Maybe it was because of that pond filled with well-fed _koi _fish and the cherry-blossom trees, which had lost their leaves standing now naked over the pond. Or maybe it was just the total absence of anything that reminded me of him.

But then that day-off we had spent together here, sharing breakfast in Kuchiki-taicho's company appeared behind my eyelids.

Abarai sat next to me offering me a cup of green tea.

"Thank you!" I said and placed my nose over the warm cup.

"Ah… it's been too quiet, hasn't it?" Abarai sighed leaning backwards. His crimson hair were loose over his broad shoulders and only a striped bandana kept the bangs out of his angular face. He sipped his tea and stuck his tongue out blowing air at the cup.

"Yeah… it is time to bring some life in this sleepy town, right?" I chuckled.

Abarai laughed loudly.

"I knew I could still count on you, Matsumoto-san!"

I frowned and looked at him.

"_Still_?" I wondered.

Abarai rubbed his covered with tribal tattoos forehead.

"Yeah, well… you know, since Hitsugaya-taicho left, you… well you haven't come out with us once. We thought you were too busy with the Division and all and…!"

"Fallen in depression?" I asked what I knew he'd say.

Abarai nodded hesitantly.

"Well… I was at first. But not anymore!" I said patting his shoulder hard causing him to spill his tea. He frowned. "Time moves faster when you're having a great time, right?" I smiled widely.

Abarai looked slightly surprised.

"Eh, right!" he chuckled.

"Ok, inform the others! We're having a night-out tonight. Lieutenants only! And I'm inviting Kira as well."

"What?"

"Kira!"

"But… I thought we're going to drink ourselves to death!" Abarai complained. "Kira will ruin it. He is a terrible drinker!"

"But I never remember Kira drinking!" I pointed out.

"That's what I mean! He'll try to stop us, tell us to behave and such!"

"Oh no! He won't! I'll make sure of that!" I assured him and sipped my tea. "He has as many reasons to drink as I have! Don't worry!"

"Ah, Hisagi will be thrilled!" Abarai laughed. "He worries about you! He always says how much he misses you on our night-outs!"

I laughed and leaned backwards staring at the cloudy sky.

"I'm sure he was drunk when he said that!"

"Oh yeah!"

We laughed and enjoyed our tea in the quiet afternoon. The sun was almost setting when I found the courage to ask him what I wanted to ask him from the beginning.

"Abarai… have you ever thought of becoming captain?"

He didn't even glance at me, but he did smile before he replied.

"Sure I have!"

I looked at him waiting for something more.

"But you don't honestly believe Kuchiki-taicho will give his seat to me, do you?" he chuckled.

"Well… you are a perfect candidate for a captain as well. You have achieved _bankai_ level long before myself."

Abarai's expression darkened for a split second.

"They did offer me a captain's seat, but only after you declined the first offer back in the summer."

"Gin's seat?"

"Mmm!" he nodded.

I bit the inside of my cheek.

"Why didn't you take it?" I asked in an undertone.

Abarai sighed and chuckled.

"It's a long story! In a few words… I just didn't want to leave this place. It's a too big step for me right now!"

"Well… it'll always be a big step. Even in two hundred years it won't be easier to just leave the Division that has become your home!"

"Yeah, it'll only get harder to do so!"

Abarai and I exchanged glances and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders bringing me closer to him.

"When you become captain, Matsumoto-san, Seireitei will become a veeery different place!" he laughed shaking me with him.

"_If_ I become!" I corrected him stubbornly.

"I know you're considering it! Or else you wouldn't be asking with such a serious face! Am I right?"

"Shut up!" I kicked his ankle and he groaned.

"Argh! Hey!"

"You're not my shrink! You're my drinking-buddy!"

"Hell yeah I am!"

I looked up at him and laughed. He laughed as well and rubbed the top of my head.

After sundown we headed out to gather up the other lieutenants and find ourselves a nice place with good _sake_…

…


	29. Friends and Blue Butterflies

**Part 3 – Apart Like Night and Day**

**Friends and Blue Butterflies**

It was already winter.

Why did it feel like a century and like a glimpse of a moment at the same time?

Why do I feel so old and tired of waiting and then so excited and burning with anticipation of the moment I'll see you again?

Sometimes a grip so tight would cease my breathing inside my chest; it was the fear that I might not be able to distinguish you anymore from the crowd. As if I've been looking for you behind every corner on the streets and on the couch every morning I open the door of our office that I've lost the ability of telling dreams from truth…

I fear that, even if you do come back, I will walk past you assuming that you are a part of my imaginary world, the one that's been feeding on this beautiful and calming _reiatsu_ I've been sensing every single night since you left.

I wish I could _feel_ the winter; the piercing sensation of the northern wind through my uniform and the dryness of frost on my cheeks, the need to find a warm, cuddling place, preferably by your side…

Maybe then, I would awaken and get over this mad loneliness.

With eyes wide open and clenched fists I stare into the nothingness realizing how much I've changed in those past months. I've discovered a part of me that likes staying in the dark, away from curious eyes and gestures of pity. A part of me that is sick of smiling and laughing and tired of enjoying life.

I don't like that part of me.

I thought that time would heal these wounds, but… here I am, on the verge of breaking down and falling in this bottomless pit forever.

What's wrong with me…

Am I really that dependent on you?

Have I really been so lonely before I discovered that I could be so much more with you?

I remember laughing with friends and drinking my heart out. I had no actual problems before. I was the friend to everyone who needed me, a shoulder to cry on, a listener and an adviser. Maybe this all sounds shallow, but I never remember complaining. Yet now, all I do is whine and have this itching desire to cry and scream.

And I know that's because you're not here.

You're not… here…

If you were here, everyday would be like this one blessed day we had together. We would laugh together and joke around, and you would become all of a sudden serious and give me a quick, but passionate kiss, like you did in Kuchiki-taicho's mansion that beautiful morning. And then we'd walk around Rukongai, you'd tell me your little adventures with Hinamori and I'd show you Gin's and my secret hideouts.

We would be together…

Now I realize how little time we had actually spent together like this, and I feel so ashamed to treasure it now like the most beautiful time in my afterlife.

Hitsugaya-taicho…

No matter what happens inside of me, I will give it my all to make you proud. I will watch over our Division, our home. Until you return…

And then it's my turn to watch over _you_…

…

It was quite windy that day. The black pine tree's branches had been scratching the rooftops over the buildings of 10th Division all night and piles of dirt and dried leaves had gathered around the verandas.

Aika and Hidetoshi had locked the two doors that led inside the office, telling me that I desperately needed a day off. I cursed and banged at the doors, but they wouldn't let me in. So, Kagetora literally dragged me away from the Division's headquarters and we met with Kira, Abarai and Hisagi.

The three lieutenants were in an excellent mood and they convinced me to train with them at the White forest on the east of the Soukyoku hill.

I had visited this forest two or three times since I had met Hitsugaya-taicho here last summer. But never did I feel as empty as I had now, when I witnessed that magnificent forest with its unique trees standing naked in front of a winter sky.

The trees looked like skeletons frozen over the hill with arms stretched swaying slightly with the northern wind.

Every little trace of white velvet leaves or the petals of daffodils had vanished as if swallowed by the darkness that had been eating me as well.

I tried to smile when Kagetora patted by back.

"Hey, you can just watch us if you're not in the mood." he said in an undertone as if he didn't want the others to hear.

His long dark brown hair, tied in a ponytail circled his face.

I tried to keep mine steady as well, but the wind would blow them back into my face, so I turned around to have the wind slap my face from the front.

"I'll just sit down for a moment!" I told him simply and he nodded, obviously worried, and sprinted towards the other three men.

"Oi, Matsumoto!" Abarai shouted cupping his mouth but Kagetora grabbed his arm and whispered something to him.

Abarai moved his head at Kagetora with a serious frown and then looked back at me.

"You won't get away, Matsumoto-san!" he bellowed and chuckled.

Abarai had a warm and energetic laughter. I had always liked it. I noticed worried looks from Hisagi and Kira as well, but I turned my back to them and took a small walk into the naked woods.

There was something in this scenery that brought me calm and invigorated me. Like resting your eyes after hours of reading too many of scrolls over medical _kidou_ by looking up at the sky_._

When Abarai, Kagetora, Hisagi and Kira who had begun their training were far from my eyes' reach, I halted and took a deep breath.

My eyelids felt heavy.

And suddenly there was complete silence. As if the world had stopped turning and every living creature was holding its breath.

I held mine as well. I wanted to hear something, anything that could sound like a sign that… he was here… and that he was doing alright…

Here, where he had announced to me that he would be leaving…

Here, where he told me with those big, dark turquoise eyes holding mine that I was so much more than just a lieutenant to him…

My chin touched my collarbone and I shut my eyes tight.

I could not cry. I had cried. A long time ago. It was over.

I had given myself the chance to cry over this, but it was enough. I needed to be strong. I _had_ to…

And so I sat on the ground, stroking my Zanpakuto's handle. Feeling Haineko's spiritual flow brought me peace. My mind seemed to empty at once and behind my eyelids I saw Haineko's residence; a forest so green it made the air look green as well, with tall pine trees extending high into the skies while our feet sank into a fluffy blanket of ashes. I glanced down at my tainted with ashes sandals and I heard Haineko beside me.

She purred and chuckled.

It had been so long since I last saw her.

She looked fine, unlike me…

Her eyes with the thin vertical pupils looked deep into me and she smiled, showing off her sharp canines.

"Hey there!" she stroked my hair walking around me. "I was sure you'd have lost some weight! But… I could say the opposite!" she chuckled and stared at my bottoms.

"Too much desk-job!" I shrugged. "Not that you look any better!"

"If you don't want to look old or something, try to behave healthier, will you? Move, work out, keep that breath-taking body of yours young, you know!" she grabbed my hand and made me spin around myself as if she hadn't heard my comment. And on top of that she had given me a compliment. I laughed, and it felt strange to do so.

"There you go! A smile, and those sloppy muscles of your face look thousand years younger!" Haineko narrowed her eyes as she laughed.

"Hey!"

"Please give me the pleasure to show those kiddos there what I'm capable of!" Haineko hopped swinging her tail around her fit legs.

"You want to fight?" I asked.

"Yeah! It's that red-haired guy there, right? With that double-faced Zanpakuto of his?"

"Zabimaru. Yes."

Haineko brushed her deep maroon hair backwards.

"Oh yeah, I don't like them! Let me fight them! It'll be good exercise for you!"

I looked around at this beautiful forest I hadn't seen in such a long time.

"I've never fought against Abarai-kun before." I muttered, too distracted from this tranquility that took over me to think of fighting and training.

"Don't you want to know if he's indeed a better choice of a captain than you?" Haineko placed her hands on her broad hips and raised an eyebrow.

I looked at her.

"Are you also working against me? Are you going to try to convince me into thi-!"

"No, no! Believe me, the last thing I'll ever try to do is _convince_ you of anything! No, I just don't really like that Zabimaru chick! She's so… ugly!" Haineko grimaced and with one jump landed right in front of me, almost touching my nose with hers.

"You sound like Yumichika-san!" I commented.

"Oh please! It'll do us both good! Loosen up, think of something else! Come on! You're a Shinigami, for heaven's sake!"

I looked into her eyes and sighed.

"Man…!"

"Yeahyy! Then go, go! Get out and summon me! I'm ready! Ready to kick some Zabimaru's asses!" Haineko jumped around me shouting and hooraying her own self.

I rolled my eyes and laughed as the green scenery slowly untwined to bring me back to Soul Society.

When I opened my eyes I caught myself smiling. Then I thought I felt a very familiar scent around me. I scanned a round, but the place looked as empty as before, only the men's shouts and the vibrating song of steel against steel broke the silence over the hill.

I stood up and my eyes fell on something that didn't match with the surroundings. A hint of blue in the grey background and the dark brown silhouettes of the naked trees. I didn't blink once, but somehow I was sure I saw a glimpse of a dream I had once; a white wolf howling at the night, with eyes like Hitsugaya-taicho's…

My breathing stopped and I frowned staring at the spot where I had seen this faint tint of blue. Or turquoise, or teal, or even opal…

Suddenly something shuffled beside me and I noticed a pair of birds leaving a branch and soaring into the grayish sky and, as I lowered my eyes, I saw butterflies, in the size of my palm floating over the forest stripped by the winter. They were beautifully blue. I wondered what they were doing here in this time of year.

With a grip in my guts I looked back at the spot where I thought I saw… something, but it must have been my imagination. Or just blue butterflies playing with my head…

A chuckle escaped my lips and I ran towards the others feeling the flame of adrenaline arising.

…

It's been more than a week since I began accompanying Abarai and the rest with their training at the White Forest. It was deliberating to move around again, loosing myself in the rush of a battle, even if it was just training and we were forbidden to unleash our Zanpakuto.

But still I could feel Haineko's spiritual flow increase with every fight. Like an excited child at the amusement park. And that excitement flowed through the handle into me, bringing back out my old good self.

It was almost sundown and Hisagi was standing about ten meters away from me panting and keeping himself from showing his exhaustion.

I held my katana with both hands in front of me, awaiting Hisagi's next move. But it was obvious he was reluctant.

With an expressionless face, one I have been wearing every time I had no strength to show anything as it had been for most of the time, I rushed towards him with flash steps. Hisagi managed to keep up with my speed, but only succeeding in blocking my attacks. I didn't bother putting so much force in my attacks, I rather aimed on breaking his good defense with speed. Hisagi's slanted eyes flickered around as if trying to catch a glimpse of every possible place I could be around him.

I had been moving around him anti-clockwise, and then I jumped high to give him an open view on me. He raised his katana, as expected to block a high attack, and I left my one hand, holding my Zanpakuto only with one and forced spiritual force into my arm feeling Haineko's excitement grow vertically. The arm which wasn't holding the katana was enshrouded by a swirling maze of sharp ashes and with that I blocked Hisagi's katana, while I guided my blade to his side where he was unprotected.

But I never let my blade touch him. I stopped the attack there and landed back on the ground meeting Hisagi's flickering gaze.

He was breathing heavily and chuckled. Drops of sweat fell over his left cheek where he had a tattoo of the number sixty-nine.

Abarai, Kira and Madarame of 11th Division who had been watching the battle cheered on me and Madarame pointed and laughed at Hisagi.

"Neh, what was that? Letting a woman kick your ass, huh?" Madarame raised his sheathed Zanpakuto and rested it on his shoulder. "Now it's my turn!" he was about to release his katana, but I sheathed mine and shook my head.

"Sorry, but I've got some catching-up to do!" I said.

Hisagi brushed a palm over his eyes and lowered his head.

"What? Now you've reached the good part? Are you kidding me? Com' on! I saw that move! You used it in your _bankai_ as well!" Madarame yelled.

I gave him a killer glance.

"Fight with Abarai! Unlike you I can no longer skip work!"

"Why? It's not like you have a captain over your head anymore!" Madarame spat. "Besides you always found a way to skip work when he was here, why can't you do it now he's not?"

I looked at him and noticed worried looks from the rest towards me and accusing ones towards Madarame.

"I don't want to fight you, Ikkaku-san!" I said simply letting his words drown and was about to walk away.

"Hey! Why's that? Not too good for you, am I?" he insisted.

Madarame Ikkaku, 3rd seated of the 11th Division was an impatient, battle-maniac man who never missed a chance to sharpen and even show off his powers. He was a strong component, but I never liked his ways. He was too blunt and straight-forward. He liked fighting because it excited him.

"If I'm ever going to fight you, I want it to be in our full strength! Just crossing blades with you like this… I don't like it. Not with you!" I said.

Hisagi, Abarai and Kira gave me furrowed looks.

Madarame grinned mischievously.

"You saying you really wanna go on _bankai_ level with me?"

I kept my eyes fixed on his.

"Exactly. Which means I'm never going to fight you!"

"Aha! And why's that? We can pay a visit to the living world or something, somewhere where they won't sense us! Aa! Matsumoto-san, you intrigued me now!" Madarame laughed.

"You think they won't sense us in the Human world?" I laughed.

Our spiritual flow could be sensed from anywhere, even in the Human world. It was forbidden, especially inside the walls of Seireitei to unleash our full strength and it was more than forbidden to do so in the Human world, where the spiritual stability was much weaker and, so, hazardous towards human souls.

Madarame's proposal was plain idiocy.

"I don't believe you would want to go on full strength against me, that's what it is, Matsumoto-san!"

"No… I don't! I was messing with you!" I told him. Abarai shrugged with a helpless expression and glanced at Madarame, who had turned a deep red.

"Wh-what?"

"Oi, Ikkaku-san! I'll fight you!" Abarai walked in front of him. Madarame pushed him sideways and sprinted towards me blocking my way.

"Just because the old man offered you a captain's seat, doesn't mean you're _strong_ enough to become captain! Do you actually think you could beat anyone of the captains? _Anyone_?"

He was wearing that cunning grin of his.

"No."

"Then why this arrogant attitude of yours, huh? You've turned like that brat-captain of yours, you know! And it's not-!"

"Ikkaku-san!" I cut him off as all my thoughts grew numb. "Do not insult my captain again!" I said coldly.

Madarame frowned and then grinned again.

"If I do, will it trigger you to fight me? That good-for-nothing little captai-!"

He never finished his insults as Kira appeared out of nowhere punching Madarame flat on his face.

"Kira-kun!"

He glanced at me over his shoulder and backed off.

Abarai and Hisagi ran towards us. Abarai placed his hands on his hips.

"Ikkaku-san, that's enough!" he bellowed to his friend.

Madarame glared at Kira and then at me. Blood dripped from the corner of his lips.

"You assholes!" he pushed himself up and grabbed his fallen Zanpakuto.

"Hey! Hitsugaya-taicho has nothing to do with this! You insulted a captain of the Gotei 13!" Abarai raised his tone.

"She's acting all mighty and arrogant like him! Who does she think she is?" he growled pointing at me.

"Do not point at Matsumoto-san!" Hisagi spoke up with a determined frown.

Suddenly I found myself shielded by three men while a burning Madarame was giving out all the killing aura he possessed.

"You losers! All of you! And _you,_ don't think too much of yourself! I've got no idea how the captains concluded on you becoming captain, but I'm sure they were _not_ in their right minds! Ha, _you_ a captain! Then let's send out invitations to the jerks of 4rth Division too. They could replace Kyoraku-taicho and maybe Zaraki-taicho as well! Bah!" he spat and walked away with heavy steps.

"Idiot!" Hisagi muttered and sheathed his Zanpakuto.

Abarai heaved with a sigh.

"I'm sorry! He'll forget about this by tomorrow!" he said with a fake grin.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I found myself flying and then landing with my back on a tree trunk. Everything went silent and I found it hard to focus. I tightened my grip but somehow I had lost Haineko from my hands. I hadn't managed to tie her around my waist as usual.

"Madarame!"

"Ikkaku-san! Stop it!" I heard shouts. I pushed my palms to lift myself up and groaned feeling as if my back had broken in two.

The air had grown warmer and the essence of danger brought back my vision at once. It was a hostile _reiatsu_ coming towards me.

I blinked to find Madarame running towards me, while Abarai and Kira were fighting to keep him from attacking me. But the 11th Division's officer easily knocked Kira out of his way, now only a few steps away from me. Without Haineko I couldn't deflect his blow, and I couldn't focus enough to use any incantation. My head was spinning. He must have used quite some strength to knock me out so hard.

How come I hadn't sensed his _reiatsu_ before he did…

I cursed under my breath and, with Madarame's Zanpakuto only milliseconds from piercing me, I raised my arms instinctively over my head crossed, just like I had months ago to protect Hitsugaya-taicho from the invisible attack of Kurotsuchi-taicho…

And just like then, without seeing it but actually feeling it, both of my arms were covered with a dark cloud of swirling ashes, sharp like a katana's blade, blocking Madarame's furious attack like a shield.

Without hesitation I bent over and crawled away from his attack point and tried to stand up, but an electric wave blurred my vision again. I felt two firm arms holding me. Abarai raised his unsheathed Zanpakuto blocking another of Madarame's attacks. The sound of steel awakened me and I searched for my Zanpakuto under Abarai's arm.

It was lying beside Hisagi, who was on his four spitting blood from his mouth.

Both Abarai and Madarame were breathing heavily. A sharp glare from the latter made me hold my breath.

"One thing I cannot stand is seeing weak people in high-positions! You, a captain! Give me a break! You managed to lose your Zanpakuto with one hit and didn't even sense my attack in the first place! You think you could protect one entire Division under attack? Or even Seireitei and the entire Soul Society? _You_?" Madarame laughed. I felt Abarai grow tense.

"Have you ever actually killed someone? Besides Hollows? Do you know what it's like to _destroy_? To protect yourself or that beloved captain of yours? Have you?"

"If you really think a captain's job is to destroy in order to protect, you are mistaken! To use your katana to make things work is the easy way, Ikkaku-san!"

"And the most effective! Look at how vulnerable and weak you are now!" he laughed. I motioned Abarai not to hold me up anymore and the moment I tried to straighten my back a shot of pain made me grit my jaws.

"If you want so much to show everyone how strong and powerful you are, be my guest and take the 3rd Division's seat! I don't want it!" I said coldly.

Kira flinched.

Madarame furrowed his brows.

"I don't want to become captain, Matsumoto-san! That's the last thing I want. My problem is why out of all people they chose you to take this place? Ichimaru has been gone for years, yet, the moment Matsumoto Rangiku achieves _bankai_ level, the captains all congratulate her and bang! they give her a captain's seat! Something stinks here! It's plain and fucking injustice, that's what it is! Because in my agenda, you do not deserve the spot! You do not possess the abilities of a captain! And I would definitely _not_ want to serve under _you!_"

My expression stayed blank the whole time. I could feel the tension from Abarai next to me and Kira watching with parted lips, but I couldn't show any emotion. I didn't want to, because… I couldn't help but in a way agree with Madarame. Once I thought the same way…

The silence pierced my ears and even though I wished Hitsugaya-taicho were here to defend me, I slapped myself mentally for depending on him so much.

"Ikkaku-san… I'm sure the other captains were thinking the exact same thing as you, about me taking Gin's seat. I know I've got… a reputation, one that doesn't favor my image sometimes, and… honestly I don't care. I didn't! Because never once did I ever think that I would have the chance to become captain. But, still it was Yamamoto-sotaicho who made that proposal!" my heart was beating fast.

"I have been working as a seated officer ever since I graduated from the Academy and I have served as a lieutenant under two captains. I know 10th Division more than you have ever been a Shinigami in all, Ikkaku-san!" I clenched my fists wishing I had Haineko with me. "Maybe I do not fight as hard and furiously as you do, or Zaraki-taicho does, and I definitely do not possess Unahana-taicho's or Ukitake-taicho's wisdom. But I would never ever risk my Division's or any soul's integrity by keeping my _bankai_ hidden! In a battle, when needed, I will give it my all. But sometimes the swing of one's Zanpakuto is not the best mean of achieving victory."

"Then what is it, Matsumoto-_san_?" Madarame made a step closer.

"To know when to begin a fight at all."

Madarame's eyes stayed fixed on mine.

"You asked me previously on a fight. And I teased you, didn't I?"

The man's brows twitched.

"You insisted and I joked at you that I would only fight you at full strength." This time I made step closer to him. If he wanted to chop my head off, I had just reached the perfect radius for it. "But we both know that if we did… we would probably be expelled from Seireitei."

"You wanted to make yourself look strong and mighty!" Madarame growled.

"I wanted to end this sudden impulse of yours to fight! You wanted to test me, Ikkaku-san. You never saw this as training from the beginning!"

"Your _bankai_ up on that hill you showed us last summer didn't convince me at all. It was all show-off! Of course I wanted to test you!"

"Is it true?" Abarai asked suddenly with a deep frown. "You would use _bankai_ level on Matsumoto-san?"

Madarame exhaled loudly.

"I wouldn't have to!" he laughed.

I shook my head impatiently.

"I won this from the beginning, Ikkaku-san!" I said in an undertone.

Madarame pointed his Zanpakuto at my chest.

"Oh really? Who was the one who got herself knocked out by one blow, huh?" he growled spitting saliva.

"If this were a real battle, you would have lost, because I made you mad. You are too blinded by your anger and your need to prove me wrong that your blows would have been clouded. I would manage to defend myself the way I did before, until I got hold of my katana again. And then, you would be too mad at your own self for letting me play with your mind. That's your defeat, Ikkaku-san!"

Madarame was breathing fast, his eyes literally stabbing me with hatred and fury, but even though it looked like a game, I was serious. I never liked people questioning my abilities. I didn't mind when people gossiped about me behind my back, and I didn't mind being criticized about being so playful and too open-minded, as some said. But my abilities as a Shinigami… I had earned them. And I was good at my job.

Just like Hitsugaya-taicho had said once, the captains of the Gotei 13 are no people who would favor, not even Kyoraku-san who is a friend of mine. They wouldn't choose me out of all the seated and highly capable Shinigami just because I was pretty and gifted by nature… they wouldn't choose me if they didn't trust my abilities.

And so, I trusted the captains' judgment.

Madarame finally lowered his katana and looked away. A brief smirk crossed his face and he turned to Abarai.

"I'm not leaving tonight unless someone fights me!" he shouted with his spiritual flow boosting up.

Abarai and I exchanged puzzled glances.

"You! Hisagi-san! Fight me! Right here, right now!" Madarame sprinted towards Hisagi who had been sitting the entire time on the ground. His right eye had turned an ugly purple while his lower lip was swollen, dried blood forming over a cut.

"Huh?" Hisagi gapped. He stood up, grabbed his katana and came running towards us to hide behind the bigger Abarai.

I couldn't help a chuckle.

When Madarame's gaze met Kira's, the bleach-blonde flinched.

"Ehm… hehe, I've got some… work to do! I'll… see ya later!" he said and disappeared with flash steps.

"Oi! Cowards! Matsumoto-san, it's because of you! Dammit!" Madarame hissed shooting me a killer-glance.

"Tomorrow! What say?" Abarai tried to calm him down.

Madarame scratched his bald- or as he would insist if he could hear thoughts _shaven_- head.

"I've got plans tomorrow! What about the day after?" he actually sounded serious.

Hisagi stood hunched beside me peeking from behind Abarai.

"What plans do _you_ have? Shopping with Yumichika-san?" Abarai snickered. Wrong move, I thought at once. Hisagi and I held our breaths.

"Something like that! Well…" Madarame crossed his arms in front of his chest. "it's Kusajishi-fukutaicho's birthday and we have to get her candies. We were thinking of going to the Human world. She requested something very specific!"

Hisagi, myself, and I guessed Abarai as well even though I couldn't see since he had his back towards us, raised our brows.

"Yachiru-chan's birthday?" I asked.

Madarame nodded.

"Yeah, that little brat! Wants some sweets we couldn't find anywhere in Soul Society. Geez! As if she doesn't get enough sweets as it is, stealing from everyone."

"Ah, that's so cute! You, caring so much for your lieutenant!" I chuckled.

"If she weren't my lieutenant I would rip her annoying little head off and make a nice lamp of it and give it to you for Christmas!" Madarame said. There was a moment of silence before we all started laughing.

"I'm serious!" Madarame moaned.

"If she could hear you!" Abarai laughed loud. "You'd be the new-!"

"Wha-? She's here?" Madarame panicked and ran towards us hiding behind Abarai as well. Hisagi pushed him away, and in a second we started pushing each other until we fell on the ground forming a pretty pile of hysterically laughing Shinigami.

…

**Hope you enjoyed it and your eyes are not rolling in your sockets _ !**


	30. Brothers

**Finally, Toushirou's story! Enjoy!**

**Part 3 – Apart like Night and Day**

**Brothers**

Standing alone in the wilderness didn't feel wrong. On the contrary, the vast emptiness, the absence of any kind of civilization and the total silence were the perfect scenery for that uncontrollable aching that took place inside of him.

It felt like being ripped apart while his deepest dreams and desires were being tossed away into plain view.

Toushirou stood in the middle of a valley covered with wildflowers which had shut their petals for the night. A thin silvery slice of the moon floated above him. The idea that _she_ could see that moon as well tightened the uneasiness in his guts. It was guilt and worry, fear and anger towards himself.

The regret ate him like the _reiatsu_ of a being much more powerful than himself, ready to smash him.

In response to those uncontrollable emotions, Toushirou tightened his grip around his Zanpakuto which he had unsheathed just out of comfort. Feeling Hyourinmaru's sleeping flow of energy calmed him, though only a little.

Toushirou pressed the heel of his palm against his forehead, as if the pressure would stop those swirling thoughts; returning and rushing back into _her_ private rooms, just like he had the day before he had left. The taste of her lips still lingered on his tongue and the sound of her heavy breathing, that feeling of lustful impatience and the ecstasy of losing yourself in a world filled with all those intense desires. Time was irrelevant, other people were invisible, sounds were inaudible and all his senses were filled with _her_…

"Dammit…" he groaned and tightened his grip around the handle more until his knuckles turned white.

A breeze brushed a strand of snow-white hair from his eyes and pushed a tear away from the corner of his eye.

He tried to shove away that image of his lieutenant standing under those white trees which leaves resembled little clouds, and the daffodils dancing around her ankles along with her uniform around her beautiful body. And that look in her eyes; strong and steady yet a sparkle in them gave out her pain. The pain _he_ had caused her…

If the handle would have belonged to any other katana, it would have been shattered. But Hyourinmaru, silently, sympathized Toushirou's pain.

Toushirou scanned a round seeing a long mountain-chain rising to the far north. A luminescent glow covered all like a dream.

He had been running with his top speed for hours with no specific destination. Even though he had made the decision to search for his past two days ago, after that incident at the headquarters of 12th Division, now all he could think of was Matsumoto Rangiku. If she would be alright, if Gato Masanori would follow his orders blindly, if Kira Izuru had actually read between the lines of their talk the night before he left. If he had done right by leaving in the first place…

Just the image of Matsumoto crying because of him made his chest burst open. And he felt doing so with his own hand.

Toushirou raised his gaze at the night sky and heard his own voice telling him coldly in his head that, even if he stayed in Seireitei after what happened and what he saw in that room hidden in Kurotsuchi's underground lab, and even if he continued his life smoothly with the joy of seeing his lieutenant every morning, he knew that spiritually he would not be there.

He couldn't determine whether it was luck or destiny, but for some reason life _did_ reveal to him glimpses of a past he had never known. A past he often tried to create out of stories he had heard from Hinamori, his grandmother or Matsumoto. So, he could not let that opportunity slip away. If he had brothers once upon a time, he wanted to know their names. If he had a family, he wanted to know who they were, where they lived, what they were like. If they loved him… and, above all, what or who had brought his end, there in that soulless field covered with snow under a cloudy, winter sky…

Toushirou remembered one summer day, before his last mission against the unforgotten souls when he had found Matsumoto in their office sleeping. He had ordered Hidetoshi and Kagetora to wake her up. He rarely remembered her looking so truly tired and with lack of energy. She'd usually start talking about anything and anyone early in the morning, as if making sure she'd announce all her new gossips before anyone else did. But that specific morning her eyes were travelling in another world. As if she had been lost in the memories of her previous life. It had made her look so pale, and her voice was low, giving out an air of utter depression and misery.

He had no clue what had made Matsumoto so gloomy that day. In all, he knew very few things of her past, like some stories about her brothers who were both older than her, and that her father had worked in the military. And then he narrowed his eyes as he remembered one night Matsumoto mentioning a white stallion her family owned, by the name Shiro…

"…_he was a great white stallion, and he was the one who saved me the night my parents were murdered…That's the first thing that came into my mind the day you appeared in front of the 10th__Division wearing that white haori!"_

She had said. Why was he thinking those things…

Toushirou cursed under his breath and let his head fall.

He told himself that if he had stayed back, he'd turn into an empty shell gluing onto those glimpses of memories he had seen in that room. He would become equal to those Hollows he had been killing ever since he had become Shinigami; beings stuck in a life of total darkness unable to get over their pain and their sins.

He had to find out if those scenes he had seen were real. And then he could share them with Matsumoto…

Toushirou focused on the gigantic mountain-chain and noticed snowcapped peaks glowing against the rough rocky cliffs under the moonlight. So, Toushirou, with his guilt and anger subsiding slightly, headed with flash steps farther north to reach a place where he could summon the part of his soul that kept safe the memories of his past…

…

Five days had passed since that night.

Toushirou was cast out leaning by a fallen rock at least four times his size. All around him lay rocks of all sizes covered with deep cracks like broken remnants of a stone giant. The vegetation was absent in this altitude and the sky was always covered with a thin layer of clouds during the night, just to reveal the dim light of the moon, and totally hidden behind thick grayish clouds and mist during the day.

The ground had turned steep as well sometimes leading to cliffs and gorges.

Luckily, being nothing but a soul, he could feel no cold even though frost formed during the night over the leaves of some daredevil plants that grew between rocks.

But he could feel fatigue and he could feel hunger piercing his guts.

The few moments he took to rest, Toushirou would pull his Zanpakuto tied with a dark green sash around his torso off and hold it in his arms to let Hyourinmaru's silent purr ease the loneliness and the silence of the mountains.

Everything felt so different here, where no single trace of _reiatsu_ lingered since no creature with such intense energy dwelled in this wilderness. The absence of any scent and sound, beside the howling of the wind and the thundering of rocks slides every now and then, made him feel so small and vulnerable.

But it seemed Hyourinmaru in his arms felt the opposite, as if nearing to those distant snowcapped peaks awakened him and invigorated him, like returning back home after the longest journey. Toushirou smiled when he felt a sudden rise in his Zanpakuto's soul's spiritual flow, as if he had heard his thoughts.

"Almost there!" he whispered to his katana.

He leaned his head on the rock and closed his eyes. By pressing his ear on the rough rock, he heard the echoing voice of the mountain. It spoke a language he could not understand, but somehow it calmed him and brought him to sleep…

…

After two more days of climbing steeper sides and unstable piles of rocks, Toushirou was surrounded by snow.

It was not deep, but it was adequate. When he stepped with his sandals on the snow it crunched and at once he felt Hyourinmaru's spiritual flow increase. Toushirou walked glancing back at his own footsteps carved on the thin layer of frozen water. It had to be fresh the way his feet sank, he guessed.

The sky was dark, as if it was ready to spit another torrent of snow and cover the entire vicinity. Toushirou hoped the mist would subside though. Perhaps being in this altitude he would be able to see Seireitei…

The wind pushed him forward and Toushirou searched until he found a nice spot to begin. When he found a huge rock, he climbed onto it and crossed his legs staring at the white scenery and the grey sky. It would snow soon.

He untied his Zanpakuto from behind his back and rested it on his knees.

With a sigh, Toushirou took off his haori and let the wind blow it away into the mist.

Right now, he was no captain of the Gotei 13… he was a soul without memories…

Toushirou shut his eyes and, accustomed of doing so every time he trained, was instantly lost in the center of his existence, there where a tall figure with long, dark-green hair and icy-blue eyes resided…

Behind his eyelids he found his Zanpakuto's soul standing in the middle of a vast valley covered with snow, though here there were no rocks and grey clouds to break the monotony. Everything was white; the sky, the ground, the few naked trees covered with frost… everything except Hyourinmaru. He didn't turn to face him as he spoke.

"Is it cold out there?" he asked, his voice clear like crystal. Though Toushirou was sure he noticed a grief tone.

"I wouldn't know." He replied simply. He looked down at his foot as he shuffled his toes into the snow. It was soft and crunchy, just like on that mountain. But as he dug with his foot he found no solid ground beneath, as if this world was made only of ice and snow.

"Would you like to?" Hyourinmaru asked after a long moment.

Toushirou looked up at him. Hyourinmaru revealed to him the one side of his face. A light blue ex crossed his face while his long kimono touched the ground as he turned around. A tail covered with ice swung around his long legs.

"Yes." Toushirou replied the obvious.

Hyourinmaru didn't approach. He kept a long distance between them, yet still Toushirou was able to see sadness in the usually expressionless eyes of his Zanpakuto's soul.

"Are you willing to show me?" he asked.

He remembered Hyourinmaru's reluctance of telling him or letting him see anything of his past the time he was dreaming in that room in Kurotsuchi's underground lab. Although he had placed priority to save Matsumoto, he couldn't just walk away from this offering; those scenes from a probable past of his.

But Hyourinmaru had promised him to talk to him about that past when it would be over…

And so here they were, on the top of a faraway mountain in the far north of Soul Society where no one could sense his _reiatsu_.

"I promised you I would." Hyourinmaru's eyes stayed locked on his. "But… are you sure? Are you positive this will work?"

Toushirou chuckled.

"Work?" he narrowed his eyes smiling.

"You know what I mean. Will you be able to retu-!"

"Whatever lies there, I _have_ to return. Because someone is waiting for me. And I don't want to make her wait long. We both know how she lacks in patience!"

Hyourinmaru simply nodded while Toushirou felt the urge to smile widely remembering her laughter and the way her energy filled the place every time she did.

Toushirou looked up at the tall Hyourinmaru and gave him a genuine smile.

"Please, tell me!" Toushirou said softly, his voice hoarse.

Hyourinmaru nodded slightly and made a few steps away from Toushirou. He saw him move his hands in the air and suddenly the ground beneath their feet started moving. The snow rose in front of them as if a beast had been sleeping underneath. The pile of snow grew until it reached twice Hyourinmaru's height. When the latter stopped moving his hands the pile stopped moving as well. Toushirou watched with awe at the creation and Hyournimaru rubbed his thumb over the thick snow carving a line in it. The snow beneath that line collapsed and revealed to them a hollow ice chamber.

Hyourinmaru motioned Toushirou to enter. The Zanpakuto's soul followed and they sat down.

Toushirou observed the solid yet with a glistening of liquid ice around and above him. The colour reminded him of Matsumoto's eyes when the sun would shine onto them.

When he turned to Hyourinmaru he found him staring at him with a knowing look. Hyourinmaru always looked at him this way when he got lost in his own thoughts. Toushirou blushed slightly.

"She will be alright!" Hyourinmaru said after a long silent moment.

Toushirou gave out a hint of a sad smile.

"If I want to share a future with her… I cannot do it without finding out about what I saw in that _dream_." Toushirou said in an undertone.

Hyourinmaru nodded.

"I feel like…" he began but the words stopped in his throat, as if there were no words to describe this rushing feeling, like a tide crushing over him unprepared. "Like…"

"An empty soul!" Hyourinmaru said.

Toushirou met his eyes.

Their eyes stayed locked. Hyourinmaru was the one to look away first with parted lips.

"Do you remember the time I was released from your Zanpakuto?"

Toushirou furrowed his brows in remembrance of that time; when out of the blue all of the seated Shinigami's Zanpakuto's souls had been released by Muramasa, another Zanpakuto's soul from a forgotten master.

"I was a lost soul myself back then, having no memories. Not even one single clue of who my master was." He spoke with a grief tone, as if feeling ashamed.

"But you showed me the strength of your will and your ability to use my powers. We crossed blades and made me remember."

Toushirou nodded.

"Without memories, one is powerless. One has no beliefs and no reasons in life. Like a bird with no wings. It owns the instinct of flying, but doesn't know why it can't."

Hyourinmaru clenched his fists over his lap.

"Then you were in a much darker place back then than I am now. It's not that I have _no_ memories at all. I remember my life since the moment I woke up in Soul Society. I just have no idea what lies behind that. In this life they call the _living_, the _previous_ life."

"A dark place is already dark. Once one is lost in his own abyss, everything feels dark. There is no comparison." Hyourinmaru stretched his hands to grab Toushirou's.

The white-haired sighed with the touch. He felt warmth.

A soul could feel no warmth and no cold and so, winter and summer felt the same. That's why Toushirou looked up at his Zanpakuto's soul with shock all over his face.

"I-!"

"Your journey is beginning." Hyourinmaru said softly.

Toushirou grabbed Hyourinmaru's hands tighter as if trying to feel more. He had never before felt such warmth flowing from one being to another. It was like all those feelings that welled him everytime he was near Matsumoto…

His eyes grew warm while his fingers trailed all over Hyourinmaru's long, thin arms. He reached the inner of his elbows and there the warmth was much more intense. He pressed his thumbs and chuckled.

"You're the _Ice Dragon_! How come you're so… so warm?" Toushirou smiled.

Hyourinmaru smiled as well.

"Why can I suddenly feel those things?" he asked.

"I'm showing you our memories of a time we could feel the snow numbing our limbs and the sun warming our backs!"

Toushirou couldn't let go of Hyourinmaru's hands. He wondered if Matsumoto were so warm as well…

"We've seen snow in our previous life?"

Hyourinmaru nodded and raised his hands to cup Toushirou's cheeks. Toushirou gapped. Suddenly his face felt so cold against Hyourinmaru's palms. He could even feel his nose numb, as if it would fall off any moment.

As if to verify it, Toushirou stood up and touched his palm on the icy interior of the hollow chamber. His skin glided over the glassy ice and turned into liquid from his warmer touch.

"You are Hitsugaya Toushirou and your name is the only memory you have from your previous life. You had a father and a mother, and three siblings. Two brothers and one sister. She was the oldest." Hyourinmaru began. Toushirou sat back in front of him with wide eyes. "Would you like to see them?"

Toushirou was about to nod, but something kept him still.

Of course he wanted to see them, but…

"I can talk about them instead if you want."

"No!" Toushirou said, his voice echoing. He swallowed with difficulty. "I want to… to see them!" he said softly.

Hyourinmaru observed him as if trying to make sure that he wanted to. So, he grabbed his hands once more.

"Close your eyes." He told him. Toushirou did and furrowed his brows.

Suddenly the darkness behind his eyelids gave birth to images. At first they were random scenes of his life in Soul Society. He saw his grandmother's house and the rooftop on which he had spent numerous nights staring up at the sky. The Shinigami Academy and the strange looks from his colleagues. His first fight with Hollows. Matsumoto introducing herself to him as his new lieutenant and welcoming him in his new Division… and then he saw a glimpse of two boys.

He had seen them before, in Kurotsuchi's underground lab.

His heart sank.

It felt like a very vivid dream, but this time Toushirou was sure that it was a true memory, because Hyourinmaru was showing him.

He recognized the older brother with the light brown hair, though he looked much younger. He was sitting under a rosebush touching his fingertips on the thorns as if trying to find the force needed to pierce the skin. His round hazel eyes were focused on the rosebush above him like there was nothing else there worthy of his attention.

Toushirou felt his lips part when a name popped into his head; _Jin_…

"Jin! Jin, where are you?" a female, sharp voice called.

The boy under the rosebush glanced to the front. Toushirou saw the woman standing at the doorstep of a wooden, thatched house with a baby in her arms. More similar houses stood all over a vast field with crops and a clear sky above them.

Toushirou felt a chilly breeze and a torrent of goose bumps rushed over his skin.

"I'm here!" Jin replied.

"Come back in, dinner is ready!"

"Yes, mother!" Jin muttered, continuing playing with the thorns.

Toushirou gasped and looked back at the woman with the baby. He didn't see her face as she turned around, her brown hair loose over her slim shoulders. A tight grip in his guts made his head spin and his thoughts swirl madly. He sprinted towards the house, but everything turned blurry. He put strength in his legs to run, but for some reason he was stuck in the same spot beside the rosebush.

"Dammit!" he cursed. Jin hadn't heard him. He was still too focused with his game.

Toushirou kneeled and attempted to touch his older brother, since for some unknown reason he could not go see his mother…

He wondered if that child in her arms had been him…

He had a mother…

Suddenly, Toushirou's eyes opened up revealing the white interior of the ice chamber. Hyourinmaru was sitting in front of him with his hands in his.

"Toushirou!"

"I didn't have a chance to see her! Why didn't you show me her face? Why didn't you-!"

"I have to warn you that… my memories are not complete. I only have pieces of them. We were too young and so most of them are only glimpses."

Toushirou exhaled loudly with a scowl over his face.

"Was that me in her arms?" he asked when he found his calm again.

"No… it was your other brother, Michio."

"Michio…" Toushirou muttered remembering the other younger brother with the hazel eyes.

"He was only a year older than you. That time you were probably inside of her still." Hyourinmaru said and offered Toushirou his hands. This time Toushirou didn't hesitate to take them. Even though his memories were so short they were all they got. And so he closed his eyes and let the darkness untwine the interior of a farm house with worn out tatami floor. There were spider webs hanging from the corners of the ceiling and wooden toys piled in the corner of the small room. A pair of sliding doors was open revealing the vast green crops of the summer.

A family was sitting around a low table and the woman he had seen before had just placed two small bowls with rice in front of a tall man and a young girl. The man had long, light brown hair tied in a ponytail while some strands fell on his tanned, angular face. He had his eyes closed as he sipped his tea, as Toushirou could smell, and he noticed Jin sitting next to him observing him. The boy looked much older, perhaps about ten years old.

Jin chuckled as he was looking up at the man.

Toushirou frowned thinking that this had to be his father.

Suddenly, the girl's hand slapped Jin's and she scolded him.

"Don't disturb other people while eating, Jin!" her voice was sharp, like the woman's he had heard before.

This had to be the oldest sister. She was in her early-teens with hair much darker than the rest of her brothers. Her eyes were dark brown piercing through everything she laid eyes on. She seemed to be a rather short-tempered and serious person for her young age.

Jin lowered his face but kept his eyes on his sister's.

"Jin!" the man said sharply and the boy's eyes turned sad and ashamed.

The girl smiled triumphantly.

Toushirou counted down the members if the family present, but he didn't see anywhere his younger self. Judging from the two brothers he had seen before, his younger self had to be around four or five, but he was not here. He frowned as he observed the mother fighting to help the younger brother, Michio, with his chopsticks.

"Don't put the chopsticks like this in the food!" his mother scolded Michio who had been stabbing the chopsticks in the rice chuckling. She slapped his small hands.

The woman had deep wrinkles around her eyes with the same dark brown tint as the girl, who was the spitting image of her mother. The mother showed, probably for the hundredth time to Michio how to hold the chopstick properly frowning as she did. She looked much older than the man who sat opposite her at the low table.

"Let him be!" the man spoke, not opening his eyes.

Jin and the girl turned to the mother with the naughty Michio.

"If he does not learn now how to eat properly, when will he? Useless child!" the woman spat. She grabbed the boy's wrists tight and Michio's expression was at once filled with pain.

Toushirou felt the urge to push the mother's grip away from his younger brother.

As he stood over the family, he watched how apathetic the father sat, how Jin shared Michio's pain and disappointment and how the oldest sister ate without disturbance. There was something he didn't like in that family, the one that was supposed to be his.

Toushirou turned his back to them and observed the house while wondering why his younger self was not here…

Could it be that he had already died…

But then, how come Hyourinmaru possessed that memory.

Memories were times he had lived and experienced. But he was not _here_ in this one.

Suddenly, he heard a fist hitting the table and the clinging of bowls and wooden cups. Toushirou turned around to find Jin standing above his mother and his palm raised. The mother was looking up at him with a frown of shock, while Michio was silently watching at his older brother. Even the sister and the father were staring at the boy.

That's when Toushirou noticed the intense colour of his father's eyes. They were the same as his; deep turquoise with a ring of teal around the dilated pupils turning into ice everything he looked at. That's when he remembered that this was indeed his father.

"You spoiled, little-!" the mother cursed, but Jin rose his palm once more ready to strike. The mother flinched with fear, but Jin never slapped her again. Toushirou noticed a red mark on her arm, the one that had been hurting Michio previously.

"Jin!" the father's voice rang like an alarming bell. Jin let his arm fall on his side and he walked back to his father and kneeled down on the worn out tatami floor. He bowed and touched his forehead on the ground.

"I'm sorry father for disturbing dinner!" Jin spoke without lifting his head. "But I won't let _her_ hurt my little brother again! Not like she did with Toushirou!"

Toushirou gapped, feeling the air thinner and the little hair on the small of his neck stand. He glared from the corners of his eyes to the woman who had given birth to him and felt his guts turn upside down.

Jin was still bowing when the father glared at the woman from the other side of the table. She lowered her gaze pressing her lips together. The girl was watching her mother with pain in her eyes.

"The one you should apologize to is your mother, Jin." The father said coldly.

Jin's head shot up with flames burning in his eyes.

"She's not my mother! She's a monster!" he growled.

The father looked down at him. Toushirou felt a chill run down his spine.

The father and Jin were glaring at each other and Toushirou felt pride warm him from the inside with the will and courage the little boy managed to show against that stoic man. Judging only from the scenes he had seen weeks ago in the underground lab of Kurotsuchi, he had grown to feel some kind of hatred towards the older brother. He had always looked down at his younger brothers as if being the oldest gave him the upper hand.

But now he realized that it was his way of protecting them. Just like he had protected Michio from that woman he had referred to as a monster.

And then, the scene in front of him blurred. Toushirou cursed loudly and, before everything disappeared from his view he threw one last glance at his brave older brother.

His eyes opened up and he found himself panting.

"Dammit!" he cursed once more under his breath and let go of Hyourinmaru's warm hands.

"I'm sorry!" Hyourinmaru muttered.

Toushirou brushed a palm over his face and looked at his Zanpakuto's soul.

"What kind of memory was that?"

Hyourinmaru took a deep breath creating a small cloud as he exhaled.

"It's based on Jin's sayings. Some years later he told us that story. So, this memory could be somewhat false, but… I don't think Jin had been lying."

"So… I was still alive back then?" Toushirou asked with relief.

"Yes. Our father had sent us to his sister's home. For some reason… our mother was only cruel towards her two youngest children, Michio and us."

"Why? She seemed so… so angry!"

"It was because of him, I think!"

"Father?"

Hyourinmaru's clouded expression made Toushirou's heart sink.

"Like most marriages at that time, it was an arranged one. Our father's and mother's families were hostile towards another, but the mother's family was penniless and so had to give their daughter to whomever available. According to Kishiko-"

"Kishiko?" Toushirou wondered.

"Our sister. Kishiko was the only person in the family our mother loved and trusted. Jin had heard her say that the two families decided to make peace with each other by uniting. But, generations of hatred could not become fertile ground for love to blossom."

Toushirou frowned and leaned his forehead on his fist. When he began this journey to find out about his past, somehow he had been determined that he had a good previous life… but now it had all turned upside down. The only comfort was his two brothers… the fact that someone was supporting and caring for him….

"What did father do? With Jin and Michio?" the names of his brothers sounded strange coming from his mouth. They had a strange taste, but yet felt familiar to pronounce.

"Some months later he must have sent them to his sister's, because then I have memories of us three together." Hyourinmaru replied.

Toushirou looked at him.

Hyourinmaru raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"What?"

"It's strange that… you refer to us as one person!" Toushirou said and felt like smiling.

"But we are!"

Toushirou was caught by Hyourinmaru's gaze which seemed like ice melting and turning slowly into a darker shade. Toushirou let the smile emerge onto his lips.

"I want to see us three together; you and me, Michio and Jin. Show me our new life!" Toushirou grabbed impatiently Hyourinmaru's hands looking into his eyes with desperation.

Hyourinmaru closed his eyes for a moment and tightened his long fingers around Toushirou's slim wrists.

"I'll show you all that I can remember!"

…


	31. His favourite persons

**Part 3 – Apart like Night and Day**

**His favourite person(s)**

Out of the blue, the window burst open by an invisible monster that scared the hell out of a six-year-old Toushirou. The boy instinctively jumped behind the low table and covered his head shutting his eyes tight.

He heard the banging of the window leaves and papers from a nearby small desk flew into the air while his heart was beating fast. Suddenly he heard the light footsteps of his aunt. She laughed when she looked down at the spooked boy.

Toushirou peeped through his arms and blinked to realize that it had only been a strong drift of wind that had caused this commotion.

"Geez, Toushirou! What are you doing hiding there?" aunt Hikari laughed and shut the window leaves. She placed her hands on her slim hips and grinned. Her grin and behavior took many years off her face, giving her the air of a teenager, but she was actually in the age to finally get a husband, as his grandmother used to say. Toushirou rubbed his nose and looked up at his crazy aunt.

"The window! It opened suddenly!" he explained moving his hands mimicking the sudden opening of the window leaves. Aunt Hikari's grin widened. She kneeled and shuffled the top of his light-brown hair.

The boy looked at her with a frown over his bright turquoise eyes, deep like the sea yet innocent like a new dawn.

"It couldn't have opened suddenly! Nothing happens without a reason! _Someone _or _something _opened it!" she whispered to him and stood up.

"Now, tidy up the mess of that stupid monster and tell him next time to knock on the door!" she joked and left heading to the small kitchen.

Toushirou raised his eyebrows and looked at the papers still floating above him.

His lips formed an o when he glanced at the shut window and caught a glimpse of the monster with the white mask with thorns…

…

It was pitch black when Toushirou finished helping aunt Hikari with the dishes and the housework and climbed the stairs of the old farmhouse to wish goodnight to his grandparents. They were too old and so rarely left their room. Aunt Hikari insisted that grandfather was over hundred and ten years old, while grandmother was ninety-nine.

Toushirou learnt not to believe his aunt's sayings easily and so had decided to ask them one day himself.

He pressed his lips together as he knocked on the door. A faint voice echoed from within.

"Com' in!"

Toushirou slid the door open and crawled inside.

His grandparents' room was the biggest in the house with small windows and new tatami floor that had been recently replaced. A sloping ceiling hang above it, some polished wooden furniture and a bouquet of yellow daffodils of the exact same size gave out some brightness in a porcelain vase. Toushirou remembered aunt Hikari picking them up that morning in the garden.

"How are you, grandmother?" Toushirou kneeled beside the elder woman who was helping her husband with his futon. She gave him a toothless grin, which reminded him of aunt Hikari. He wondered when she'd lose her teeth as well…

"Toushirou-chan! Help me with the blankets!"

Toushirou crawled to the other side of his grandfather and pulled up the blankets. The nights had become chillier and the days shorter.

"Hey, grandfather!" he greeted the elder man, who managed to wink at him through layers of wrinkles and grabbed his small hand. Toushirou smiled softly.

His grandfather had lost the ability to speak a long time ago.

"I wish you a good night! If you need anything, call me!" Toushirou grinned at them and tightened his grip around his grandfather's. His grandmother waved at him but grabbed his wrist before he left.

Toushirou looked back at her.

"I want you to take three daffodils from that vase and put them beside your futon tonight!" she said. Toushirou had learnt to understand his grandmother's mumbling words the two years he had been living with them.

"Why?" Toushirou glanced at the yellow trumpet-like flowers.

"To make your dreams happier and more colorful!" she replied and motioned him to take them.

Toushirou nodded and pulled carefully three yellow daffodils. He gave her a smile over his shoulder and slowly walked out of the room. By the sliding door he kneeled down and wished her a goodnight.

"Ready to go to sleep?" aunt Hikari appeared in front of him when he reached the bottom of the stairs. The dark-haired woman glanced at the flowers in his hands.

"Aren't they beautiful? I love daffodils! Although winter approaches they always smell of spring! Ah!" she swirled around herself and at her second turn she grabbed Toushirou by the waist and lifted him up.

Toushirou and aunt Hikari chuckled.

Suddenly the young woman groaned.

"Oh dear! You're growing heavier and heavier! What am I feeding you, huh?" she patted his head. Toushirou gave her a sparkling look. "Oh, I love you! Go to sleep!" she pushed him on the back to his room.

Toushirou sniffed at his flowers and smiled at his favourite person in the world.

"Good night, aunt Hikari!"

Toushirou walked towards his small room, not noticing his aunt's expression turn grief as she watched him.

He was too lost in his own little world which smelled of sweet spring, although he was also looking forward to what kind of snow this winter would bring. Last year the pine trees that grew next to Takashima-san's house had been covered with fluffy snow that had a light grayish tint. He envied their neighbors' trees, because they were so tall and magnificent, while his family only had two cherry-blossom trees by the front door, some rosebushes and a field of daffodils which bloomed in the spring and summer. One could not climb on cherry-blossom trees and, besides, they were naked during the most exciting time of the year.

Toushirou placed the three daffodils in a cup with water beside his futon and sniffed at them once more. Closing his eyes he imagined snowflakes in all forms falling above him turning the sky white while the touch of each flake would tickle his skin.

The boy giggled and dug under the blankets of his futon dreaming of dragons like serpents dancing in a sky with millions of snowflakes and eyes of crimson red…

…

It was snowing heavily and Toushirou was stuck inside the house washing rice, while aunt Hikari next to him was cleaning few of the vegetables they had stored for the winter. It was one of the few times that both his grandparents had come down from the upper floor and were sitting, covered with blankets, by a square hole in the floor where a fire was burning. Grandmother was sipping her tea while grandfather was gazing into a faraway world.

"Toushirou!" aunt Hikari said crossing her legs and looking at him. Toushirou stopped cleaning the rice and looked up at her.

"I… got a letter. I got it a couple of months ago." She began. Toushirou noticed at once the worry in her usually clear and loud voice. "It's from your father. He… will send Michio-kun and Jin-kun here with us!"

Toushirou furrowed his brows.

"Your… brothers. You do remember them, don't you?" aunt Hikari asked.

Toushirou went on with washing the rice in the big bowl he had clenched between his legs.

"A little." He replied after a long moment.

Aunt Hikari sighed.

"Well, I… cannot accept them."

Toushirou met her flickering gaze. A puzzled frown crossed his tanned face.

"Wh-why?"

Aunt Hikari sighed again.

"Toushirou-kun, I… I can't watch over three kids and two elders! I-I… simply can't… I have no life! How am I supposed to find a man and marry when I'm stuck in this house every single day of my life!"

Toushirou felt his heart racing as he watched his aunt's eyes turn a darker shade. She had the same eyes as his father's, the same eyes as his… only there was no ring of teal around her pupils but a hint of a darker blue, one Toushirou had only seen in the rough sea…

Aunt Hikari brushed a palm over her face and her shoulders shook.

Toushirou glanced over his shoulders at his grandparents, but they didn't seem to have noticed that their daughter was crying.

Toushirou placed the bowl with the water and the rice beside him and crawled over to his aunt. He hugged her and she kissed his cheek.

"Oh, Toushirou! If I didn't have you…!" she chuckled, but continued shaking with sobs.

Toushirou rubbed her back with his small hands feeling helpless and scared.

"I wish I was older, then I would take care of everything for you!" he told her making her chuckle louder.

Aunt Hikari cupped his face and kissed his nose grinning to him while her eyes were shining with thick tears.

"If you were older, I'd marry you! Well… and if you also weren't my only brother's son of course!" she laughed. Toushirou chuckled hearing her beautiful laughter.

Aunt Hikari wrapped her arms around him hiding him in her embrace.

"But… I cannot leave them like this! Not with _her_…!" he heard her mutter, but he hadn't understood her then. He had felt a tight grip in his chest when she had said those words with that harsh tone, but couldn't determine what it was and what had caused it.

All he knew was that the up-coming arrival of his two brothers made his favourite person in the world unhappy, and so he made up his mind to not let that happen. His aunt and his grandparents were the only people that loved him and cared about him. He didn't want anyone to ruin this life they had. Not even his two brothers…

…

Small clouds left his lips each time he exhaled drawing air from deep within his lungs. Toushirou chuckled watching how the clouds soon disappeared above him. A chill rushed through his small body and he pulled the blankets higher up hiding his hands beneath it.

His eyes darted to the shut windows hearing complete silence. The sun would be rising soon, so he grabbed his blanket and wrapped himself sprinting towards the window. He pressed his lips as he fought to slide it open and when he took a look outside he chuckled.

It had been snowing all night and for the past two weeks. The countryside had turned pure white, though with a darker tint since the sun was still on its way to set the white scenery into flames.

Toushirou's bright turquoise eyes scanned over the soft hills that had created over rocks, benches and the fence that surrounded Takashima-san's neighboring house. The pine trees was swaying slightly and a thump echoed as a small pile of snow fell from a higher branch. The sound caused Toushirou the goose bumps.

He grinned and decided to dress himself and go outside.

Putting on a double pair of woolen socks and his winter cap that his grandmother had knitted the first winter he had spent here, he headed to the garden. As he slid the front doors open an ice-cold breeze hit his face turning him at once red and numb.

Toushirou chuckled thinking that it couldn't have been a better and more beautiful day to spend his seventh birthday.

He shut the doors and carefully stepped onto the snow. His feet sank up to his knees. He chuckled again.

Holding his arms high to keep balance he tried to walk towards the naked cherry-blossom trees and soon was panting with the effort.

He halted and looked up at the dark sky turning a light purple with orange lines seeping from the east towards the dark coal west. With his arms open he chuckled to himself and the magic taking place above and around him and fell backwards sinking into the snow. Cold rushed through his body turning his little hands numb at once while he felt snow entering the back of his collar tickling him.

Toushirou was laughing waking up the neighborhood, but he didn't mind.

He had just turned seven, and in a year he'd become eight… until he was old enough to no longer be considered a burden to his favourite person in the world. Until then his grandmother would have definitely become more than a hundred years old and his aunt would have found herself a nice husband. Maybe he would tell him to plant a pine tree in their garden as well so that he could spend his winter afternoons up there gazing at the sunset and the snow extending far towards the ocean…

As long as his aunt was truly happy… nothing else mattered to him.

The first sunrays gave the snow-covered village a deep orange tint when Toushirou heard the front doors sliding open. They always made a distinguishing screeching sound.

"What on earth are you doing there? It's freezing!" he heard his aunt's voice.

He turned his head backwards while lying in the snow seeing her upside down. He chuckled.

"Guess what day it is!" he grinned.

Aunt Hikari rolled her eyes as she looked thoughtful. When her eyes met his again a wide smile crossed her face. At once she rushed over him, wearing nothing but socks and fell on her knees to hide him in a very tight and uncomfortable embrace.

Toushirou felt like suffocating and tried to pull away, but aunt Hikari seemed determined.

"Oh my little boy! Growing older and older! Ah!" she finally let him breathe and planted a rather wet kiss on his cheek. He made a sound of disgust.

"Yack!"

"Seven are you now?"

Toushirou wiped the saliva from his cheek and nodded.

"Still seven!" he muttered disappointedly.

"Anxious of getting old, are you?" aunt Hikari laughed and stood up as a shiver rushed over her.

"Let's get inside and prepare some delllicious breakfast shall we? It's too cold for my liking here!" and headed back home.

"I'm coming in a minute!" Toushirou said.

Aunt Hikari halted by the door and gave him a genuine look.

"Happy birthday, love!" she grinned and slid the doors shut.

Toushirou smiled feeling a blush appear on his cheeks and quickly turned around hopping into the snow until he could no longer feel his fingers and toes…

…

The first light pink petals had popped out of the cherry-blossom trees when a two-wheeled cart appeared in the distance, pulled by a white horse with cinnamon-brown spots, and Toushirou was helping his aunt with the crops. The cart was headed their way passing by Takashima-san's house.

Toushirou noticed four figures on it. Two grown-ups and two children.

He felt a grip in his chest and went on with his work trying not to show the anger rising inside of him.

"Here they are." Aunt Hikari muttered.

Toushirou noticed a frown over her eyes.

She stopped her work and wiped her palms over her worn-out kimono.

Toushirou heard the horse's rhythmic galloping and the sound of wooden wheels hitting on the rough dirt road. A child's chuckle brought a chill down his spine.

Even as he heard his aunt welcoming the newcomers and one of the little boys greeting energetically his aunt, Toushirou didn't stop digging his hands into the earth to make sure the seeds were placed correctly and avoided at all costs to meet anyone of the newcomers' eyes. Especially the one man who had come along. The one who shared the same eyes as his…

"Toushirou!" his aunt called him.

Toushirou shut his eyes and straightened his back. Although he was forcing himself to stay calm he couldn't control the flames burning in his chest and the nerves of his hands from clenching his fists. He felt the urge to scream and push them away. They didn't belong here, even though they were his family. They would only mess with the quiet and peaceful life his grandparents, his aunt and he had built.

He wanted this life to stay as it is.

But, for some reason Toushirou had never found out, it seemed aunt Hikari had succumbed to her brother's demand to take his two brothers in. And he couldn't help but hate her for that.

With all the strength of will he could summon, Toushirou turned around and headed towards the three newcomers and his aunt. Another man with burnt scars over his face was still sitting in the cart holding the reins of the horse.

He avoided looking at the two youngsters, but he couldn't draw his gaze away from the man who was his father.

The man was tall, yet shared the slim and delicate figure of his sister. His hair was tied in a ponytail with short strands falling over his dark turquoise eyes which looked down on him.

But Toushirou didn't look away. He kept stoic and proud of his ability to somehow be able to pass over his disapproval of the circumstances to that man. He wanted to make sure that man found out about his hatred towards him.

"Hello, Toushirou!" he said, his voice deep and hoarse.

Toushirou fought insulting words from slipping from his mouth. With a silent groan he bowed his head only a little to acknowledge him.

"Welcome… father!" he forced the last word out. Aunt Hikari next to him shifted.

"Please, come in! Don't stand here!" she chuckled, though nervously and motioned towards the house.

"Toushirou, go clean your hands and prepare some tea, will you?"

Toushirou finally looked away from the man and gave his aunt a nod running away towards the back door that led to the small kitchen. He hadn't given a single glance to his two brothers, but he didn't feel bad about it because he had succeeded in his plan to show his power to his father. For now that was adequate for him, because, in his mind, being young and little was not an obstacle to express his opinion.

So, he took his time to clean himself up and prepare the tea while listening through the thin paper walls his aunt gathering the newcomers in the living room where a small fire was burning in a square hole in the floor. He even heard his aunt mentioning his grandparents and saying that they would accept them pretty soon.

Toushirou knew that they hadn't approved of their daughter's decision as well. Two more children meant more noise and disturbance.

His grandmother had told him a couple of nights ago that she wanted to leave this world in quietness with her husband by her side. Toushirou hadn't been sure what she meant by leaving, but he guessed that old people just wanted their peace and quiet, considering that these two elders rarely left the privacy of their rooms.

"Father, I saw a big chicken outside with a red head!" a high-pitched voice echoed through the paper walls.

"It was a rooster, idiot!" another, stronger voice was heard. It had to be the older boy. Toushirou gritted his teeth.

"Go out and see them! His name is Dai and, surprisingly, he responds to his name!" aunt Hikari said.

In the distance, he heard footsteps heading towards the garden. Glancing through the half-opened back door Toushirou saw the two boys running towards the chickens and the rooster. He rolled his eyes and grabbed a wooden stool to collect cups from the higher cupboard.

He wondered what kid could not tell a chicken from a rooster apart and exhaled loudly through his nostrils. Suddenly he felt cold and froze in his tracks. This feeling… he usually felt it during the nights. Holding his breath he glanced up and saw that white mask again. It was a moving shadow that belonged to no one and only the mask with the thorns distinguished him from the usual shadows that lingered over the corners of the ceiling.

But Toushirou didn't flinch as he kept his eyes locked on the monster's. It was not the first time he had seen those strange beings, but they never caused him fear. He was only always surprised with the sudden appearance they made each time.

This specific monster though seemed to like visiting him…

"Go away!" Toushirou mumbled and placed the cups he had collected onto a disc, when suddenly he heard his father mentioning his wife from across the paper walls.

"We're not having this discussion again, Hikari!" the man sounded angry the way he hissed those words.

"Of course we are! You are about to burden me with _your_ children! I'm not a servant! I accepted to watch over our parents because I was still unmarried, and I _did_ accept Toushirou! But no more! Toushirou is like a son to me, but… hell, Tomeo, I'm almost twenty-five! You keep pushing me backwards! You-you keep taking advantage of my love for you to take care of your own mess!"

"Hikari!"

"No! Take them back! Please! They are your _sons_, for heaven's sake!"

Toushirou heard rustling and decided to sneak closer to the paper wall since their conversation had turned into hissings and whispers.

"Hikari, that's why I ask of _you_ to take care of them! There's no one else I trust the most! I want them to become good men, and only you can do it! Did you see Toushirou back there?"

Toushirou hold his breath while his heart was drumming in his ears.

"He looked at me with the eyes of a strong man!" his father said. A blush rushed over his small cheeks as all the anger he had been building seemed to subside into something else… something warm… "Hikari, _you_ made that possible! You taught him to be independent and strong when someone looks down on him! Jin doesn't have this-this _air_! I want my sons to become men who can protect their families and make people bow to them!"

"Tomeo, shut up!" aunt Hikari almost screamed. Toushirou heard her sob and clenched his fists. "You've taken my life from me! I… I truly deeply appreciate the trust you show me, and… and I do not deserve it! Toushirou is who he is! He learnt those things himself. I'm just the woman who offers him a home." Another sob broke her words. "I… I love him, and I love you!" rustling was heard and a louder sob.

Toushirou missed a heartbeat when he heard his father sigh.

"That's why I cannot stand the torture you put yourself into! Why not just leave that evil woman?" aunt Hikari cried trying hard not to be heard. Toushirou pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms tight around them.

"Please, Hikari…" Toushirou couldn't believe this voice belonged to that man. He sounded so… vulnerable…

"Have you ever considered it?"

"A thousand times!"

"Then what the hell are you still doing there with her? Why are you still sleeping with her? Why are you having with _her_ _your_ kids?"

Toushirou caught himself trying to remember his mother's face, but he couldn't. Because he had never thought of anyone else as a mother than his favourite person in the world. The one who was now seeking comfort in the arms of the man he had placed all the fault on.

"Hikari, you know better how much I hate her and her family, but it was the only time our parents ever asked me of anything. How could I go against their wishes? I just wanted to keep my word to them and stay true to the Hitsugaya family name." his father said in a deep tone.

His aunt continued crying. Toushirou heard the sound of a soft kiss and the grip in his guts tightened more.

"You know, you are also a Hitsugaya, yet you are not true to yourself!"

A deafening silence followed in which Toushirou felt the burning desire of ripping something apart. He tried to imagine any face that could resemble the woman who was his mother and caused such pain to both his aunt and father and just rip it apart… His eyes darted upwards where that monster had been creeping previously but witnessed nothing but the ceiling.

Suddenly he heard rushing footsteps that belonged to the other two boys.

"Dai-chan is cute! Can I have him?" The sound of a child's chuckle awakened Toushirou and he went on with preparing the tea set.

While having tea, Toushirou threw quick glances to both his father and aunt, but still avoided his brothers. When it was time for lunch, he grabbed the opportunity to stay away with the excuse of preparing his grandparents' meal. While he was doing it, he noticed his father climbing up the stairs.

Only when he came back down with lowered eyes did he take the disc with the meal and headed to the upper floor.

Using both his hands to hold the heavy disc he asked his grandmother of her permission to enter.

The elder woman slid the door open and gave him a faint grin.

"Toushirou-chan! Come on in!"

Toushirou walked inside and laid out the meal onto the low table. Grandfather was sitting on his usual futon with folded legs reading a book. Toushirou wondered if he could actually see the letters since his eyes were unable to focus on one spot for too long.

"Hope you enjoy your meal!" he said with a smile, but it came out faint.

His grandmother noticed.

"It's been long since I last saw your father! Two years ago, when he came here on horseback with a baby in his arms that shared his eyes, like the sky that dives into the ocean!"

Toushirou gave her a sad smile.

"You are such a beautiful boy! You look exactly like your father! Though he had been much more naughty and loud when he was your age!"

Toushirou felt strange hearing about that man. For those two years he had only been hating him, because he had not been in his life. But now… this hatred seemed unfounded. Having witnessed a softer, more vulnerable and caring side of him, he felt ashamed of thinking of him as a bad person.

It seemed that the bad person in this story was none else but the woman who had given birth to him. For some reason, Toushirou felt that he _needed_ to hate someone at the moment, and that feeling was agonizing yet elevating. It caused him fear, but he had to overcome it.

The man he had hated for a time that felt like an eternity in his small world, had called him _a strong man_…

He had acknowledged a seven-year-old boy…

Toushirou actually felt proud and, so, turned to his grandmother.

"I'd like to hear more about him. About… my father!"

As a result, while his grandmother was helping her husband with the meal, she was telling stories of his aunt and his father when they were young. How they grew up in this very house and how they liked climbing Takashima-san's pine trees. The Hitsugaya and the Takashima had been neighbours in this village for more than three generations, she said. Toushirou imagined a younger aunt Hikari and a boy that resembled himself playing with the chickens and climbing that beautiful pine tree. He imagined his aunt happy and having no ability of frowning and ruining that beautiful face of hers.

He smiled sadly as his grandmother talked about her son in such a proud way.

He even wondered if it was true that this elder woman and her husband had been the ones to force his father into marrying _that_ woman… The last thing he had ever thought of them being was cruel…

But then again he could not have _not_ believed his aunt this time… not when she had been crying so desperately and painfully…

When he walked out of his grandparents' room he came face to face with the two boys he had been avoiding all day. He felt his breathing stop as he looked into their eyes. They both had dark hazel eyes and round faces, but both of their hair seemed to have a blonder tint than his. Toushirou wondered if those were his mother's features.

"Hi!" the younger boy grinned at him.

Toushirou gave him a simple glance and then turned to the older one. He was much taller than him and had also a strong glare, contradicting his father's previous sayings.

"Toushirou…" the older boy said with a deep frown making him look much older.

"You are?" Toushirou asked coldly.

The older boy cocked his head and hugged his little brother with one arm protectively as if keeping him from harm's way. Toushirou noticed and bit his lower lip.

"I am Jin." For a glimpse of a moment, Toushirou thought he saw pain in the boy's eyes.

Toushirou glanced at the younger one.

"I-I… you don't remember us?" the little one stuttered with eyes filled with tears.

Toushirou furrowed his brows in confusion.

"Michio…" he muttered and left without giving them a second glance rushing down the stairs.

Why did he feel like crying…

…

The sun had set and Toushirou was sitting on his favourite branch of Takashima-san's pine tree. There was a small hole in the tree's trunk and there he hid all the small treasures he would find. Last winter he had hidden there a small snowball and had been shocked not to find it there a week later. Other objects like a broken hairbrush of his grandmother's, a pen with golden lines, chest-nuts, seeds and two pieces of _shogi_ he had stolen from Takashima-san were also safely hidden in his treasure-hole. He didn't think of those objects as valuable, he just liked having a safe place, since his aunt was too fond of cleaning and tidying up and, so, gave him no opportunity to hide anything in his room.

Usually he'd take those objects out when he'd return to his favourite branch and play, but this time he had just come here in order not to be in that house with that suffocating atmosphere.

With a frown that didn't leave his forehead, Toushirou watched how the sky cleared to let the stars sparkle on its black cloak. After a long winter, the sky was finally clear again, although the nights were still chilly.

The sound of a door sliding echoed from beneath.

Toushirou noticed one of Takashima-san's sons heading out. He was older than his aunt, with short and spiky, jet black hair. He wore a simple, black kimono and a bracelet of beads.

The young man, Hisashi was his name, looked up at the boy sitting on the tree.

"Toushirou-kun? Is that you?"

Toushirou simply waved at him.

The man chuckled and came closer to the roots of the huge tree.

"What are you doing there at this hour?" he asked.

"Nothing…"

The man chuckled again and Toushirou noticed him climb up the tree from the corners of his eyes. After some moments, the man appeared in front of him breathing heavily. Drops of sweat flowed down his forehead.

"Oi! You just made me climb up here! Now tell me what's wrong!"

Toushirou frowned more.

"I didn't! You came up by yourself, Hisashi-san!"

The man rubbed his chin and smiled.

"Yeah…! Hoping I'd have a talk with you though!"

"You didn't know I was up here until you came out!" Toushirou corrected him.

"No, I actually saw you from my room. You see my window is that one!" Hisashi-san pointed at the closest window to Toushirou's tree branch. He pressed his lips scolding himself mentally for having not noticed.

Hisashi gave him a genuine smile.

"I noticed you have visitors!" Hisashi said. Toushirou hated it when grown-ups acted like grown-ups, as if they knew everything…

"Yeah, so?"

"Who are they?"

Toushirou crossed his arms on his chest.

"My father and my brothers!" he said with his coldest tone.

"Oh! That's great! Are they nice?"

"They're idiots!"

Hisashi nodded crossing his legs.

"But it's the first time you actually see them, right? So… you don't actually know them that well!"

Toushirou blew filling his cheeks with air.

"Sometimes you can tell if someone is an idiot from the beginning!"

Hisashi raised an eyebrow.

"You're right, but… I guess they will be living with you now, so…"

"How do you know this?" Toushirou snapped at him.

"Hikari-san told me!"

Toushirou looked back at the sky and the stars.

"Why did she tell _you_ and not _me_?"

"Because she knew you wouldn't approve."

Toushirou sighed.

"She doesn't want them, you know!" suddenly an idea popped into his mind and he couldn't restrain a smile. "Do you want them, Hisashi-san?"

Hisashi flinched.

"Huh?"

"Those idiots that call themselves my brothers! Do you want them?"

Hisashi turned suddenly serious and Toushirou felt like someone was squeezing his heart tight, ready to burst open as he heard those words.

"You shouldn't call them idiots, Toushirou-kun! They are as much victims in this story as you are!" Hisashi looked towards Toushirou's home with a sad smile.

"It is none of your fault! It's just that… some people are not meant to be parents!"

Toushirou frowned deeply.

"What do you know about her?" that anger seemed to rise up again in his chest.

"About whom?"

"That woman. My mother!"

"Well… all I know is that she is daughter of one of the oldest families of this village. But they moved out after they forced her to marry Hitsugaya-san. I have never met her. I've seen her once from afar, but… my family has no ties with them. My family has been friends with yours for too long and so are considered enemies by the Arai."

"My mother's family?"

"Yes." Hisashi looked at the boy. "But Hitsugaya-san is a good man. You shouldn't blame him or your brothers. Life plays some cruel games at us sometimes, but…" Hisashi smiled and stroked the rough tree branch beneath him. "no wind will ever knock this tree down. Just like this pine tree we have to stand our ground for all that we love! Ah, this tree has lived here and protected my family's house for five generations!"

Toushirou noticed a sparkle in the young man's eyes.

"And so, you shouldn't blame your father for the decision he made. He made it for a reason. You know…" Hisashi shifted closer to Toushirou. "I have never met such a devoted father before who has done so much for his children. He could have left you under that woman's watch, but he didn't. He brought you back to his home-town!" Hisashi gave him a wide smile. "He protected you, Toushirou-kun! And he wants to offer that same safety and comfort to your brothers as well!"

"Yes, but… in expense of my aunt's happiness!" Toushirou said fighting not to growl.

"This is the grown-ups' job; to protect the little ones!"

"I… I don't want to be a little one!" Toushirou felt something warm tickling his warm cheeks.

Hisashi wiped the tears away with a serious expression.

"You are brave, Toushirou-kun! I admire you! Hikari-san is lucky to have you!"

Toushirou looked up at the night untwining in front of him.

"I wish-!" but he never managed to express his wish when he heard his favourite person's voice calling his name with desperation and anticipation. Without a second thought or a second glance at Hisashi he climbed down the pine tree and rushed over to his aunt who was standing by the front door with a dark blue sash over her shoulders.

He hugged her tight and hid his face on her.

"Toushirou!" she chuckled softly and kneeled to plant a kiss on his cheek. The boy hugged her desperately.

"What is it, love?" she asked in a whisper.

"Oh, Hisashi-san! Hello!" aunt Hikari greeted the young neighbor who had followed Toushirou. He gave her a sweet smile.

"Hello, Hikari-san! Your nephew here went stargazing!"

Toushirou looked up at his aunt noticing how she glanced up at the sky with her smile widening. Then he looked at Hisashi observing her and then back at his aunt. He couldn't restrain a smile.

"It is a beautiful night!" she said.

Toushirou smiled even wider when he saw that Hisashi hadn't taken his eyes off his aunt.

That night, Toushirou decided to accept the newcomers as his family although it was much easier said than done, and, above all, decided to give his aunt a chance to happiness; one that had been the entire time right in front of her but had been too blind to see. Toushirou knew Hisashi ever since he had come to this village. He worked at the horse-stables and was a gifted blacksmith as the locals said. He often offered his company to Toushirou and he was funny. Toushirou liked him, and, obviously, Hisashi liked aunt Hikari. All he needed to do was make his aunt like him too.

With this new task, Toushirou watched the days pass by ignoring his two brothers who were never leaving each other's side, while he would only share the adequate words with his father. Although he no longer felt the hatred he had been feeling towards him since he heard that conversation between him and his aunt, he couldn't act friendly towards him. Besides, the man himself wasn't trying to lessen this great distance between them, so why bother.

In the morning he would keep quiet unless being addressed and he never missed a single opportunity of being alone with his aunt. He would try and talk about Hisashi and she would only smile at him. But too often, those moments he had alone with her would be cut in half by his father who wouldn't leave his sister's side.

Toushirou didn't like the closeness they had. It made him feel uneasy.

It had already been more than a week since the newcomers-his family- had arrived.

The cherry-blossom trees were fully covered with bright pink petals drifting along with the breeze and aunt Hikari's favourite daffodils had bloomed as well. Suddenly the earth had put on her colourful kimono to greet the coming of the summer and the warmth of the sun…

Toushirou was sitting under the rosebushes with a scroll, a pen and a small can with ink placed in front of him on the grass when he noticed something moving through the corners of his bright turquoise eyes.

The two brothers were standing in a distance staring at him.

Toushirou furrowed his brows and went on with his work.

After some moments a shadow covered him. His first thought was that monster with the mask with the thorns, but he flinched when he saw the two boys standing in front of him.

The older one, Jin, was glaring at him his usual cold look, while the younger one, Michio, looked a little frightened.

"What do you want?" Toushirou asked sharply.

"What are you doing?" Michio squeaked.

"None of your business!" Toushirou snapped.

Michio flinched and hid behind his older brother. Toushirou's and Jin's eyes met.

"You don't remember us, do you?" Jin asked. Toushirou noticed that pain again in his hazel eyes.

"I'm busy!"

"You remember this?" Jin threw Toushirou a pebble. It was bigger than his fist and had knocked down the little can with ink. Toushirou frowned.

"Look what you've done!"

"You remember this rock?"

Toushirou stood up at once grabbing the pebble and pushing it into Jin's chest.

"Take a look at it!" Jin ordered him.

Toushirou shot him a killer glance.

"It's a rock!"

"It's a magic rock!" Jin corrected him with a serious expression. Toushirou felt like laughing.

"Pff! It's just a rock you picked up from Takashima-san's garden!"

"Lick it!"

Toushirou frowned.

"What?"

"Lick the rock!"

Jin offered the rock back to him, but Toushirou didn't take it. A chill run up and down his spine.

"It is covered with the taste of the ocean. Do you remember the ocean?"

Jin's eyes sparkled.

Toushirou couldn't remember actually being at the sea, but he could remember its colours, the wind with that distinguishing freshness and taste…

Without hesitation this time, he grabbed the rock from Jin's hand and licked it. It was salty.

"King of seas…" Toushirou muttered and noticed a smile appear on Jin's lips. Suddenly he regretted it for speaking out loud his thoughts and threw the rock at Jin's feet.

"Hey, that hurt!" Jin grabbed his toes.

"You killed him!" Michio gapped.

Jin had fallen onto the ground faking to be in pain. Toushirou could tell by the wide smile he was trying to hide behind his folded knees.

"Idiots!" Toushirou sighed and was about to grab his things and go when suddenly he was turned upside down hitting his head on the grass. Something tickled him on his sides and he laughed. A hand found his and stroked his fingers. And, making him lose a million heartbeats, two arms wrapped him from behind. They felt warm and this sudden feeling of peace and loss of words made Toushirou sit still and get lost in a world he had thought could only share with his aunt…

He heard Jin's soft voice next to his ear.

"I'm glad you're fine, Toushirou!"

Toushirou gasped and felt his eyes grow warm.

"Toushi!" Michio chuckled and hugged him from the front forming a human sandwich.

"What are you-!"

"Let's play hide and seek!" Michio said with a loud tone making both Toushirou and Jin cover their ears.

"Geez, don't shout! We're right next to you!" Jin scolded him.

Toushirou looked at Michio and then at Jin who was sitting on the ground behind him. The older boy gave him a wide grin. It looked like aunt Hikari's grin, only less crazy.

A flash of a scene appeared behind his eyelids once he blinked; a beach with dark sand, the same color as this big pebble Jin had given him, and a sea with all shades of dark blue with scattered clouds of foam over the waves…

Tears rested in the inner corners of his eyes and escaped the moment he blinked.

Toushirou had no idea why he was sent to his grandparents' house when he was just four years old. He could remember nothing of that day, and he had purposely erased all memories of his past. Besides he was still young and so, the memories he had only grew fainter and fainter until he could no longer bring his mother's face in his mind, or the games he used to play with his brothers. He didn't even remember he had a sister, unless his grandmother or aunt Hikari mentioned her- something that didn't happen that often though.

That's why, sitting on the ground between these two inseparable brothers, he felt so lost. Tears flowed down his eyes even though he wanted to smile. His fists were clenched even though his shoulders felt so light. His breathing was unstable even though his heart was dancing inside his chest.

Feelings and emotions he had felt once, returned but could not be proven by any memory of his.

Once more, Toushirou wished he was no little one so that he could have memories like every normal person had. If only he were older, he would have the ability to not forget so easily…

Toushirou sank his head in his arms and felt Jin's arms wrap him the same protective way he had hugged Michio previously. The younger boy followed Jin's example and they comforted Toushirou who was silently crying.

After long moments, Michio picked a rosebud and gave it to Toushirou. The boy with the turquoise eyes wiped his tears with the sleeve of his kimono and took it. A thorn pierced his forefinger.

"You're bleeding!" Michio gasped.

"It's… nothing!" Toushirou said in an undertone and touched the velvety petals, still shut.

"Please don't cry again!" Michio said with a frown. "It scares me!"

Toushirou looked up at the younger boy.

"I'm sorry!" he muttered and forced a smile at him. Michio chuckled and kneeled in front of him.

"Want to play then?" he asked with puppy-eyes.

"Let's… play!" Toushirou grinned. The younger boy jumped up to his feet and shouted to himself.

"Last one to catch that pine tree is the loser!" Toushirou called and started running and running towards Takashima-san's garden.

Jin and Michio followed and the laughter of the three brothers followed the rhythm of spring over the village.

…

* * *

**Aa, how long I've waited to put up this chapter - Toushirou's past XD**

**Hope you enjoyed it and it didn't confuse you or something... if anything didn't make sense, don't hesitate to ask!**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing!**


	32. Shadows over Innocence

**Hi! Thanx so much for your reviews!**

**So, two chapters for you! I've been writing them for so long and finally I'm satisfied :) It was a little hard to write something out of the Bleach universe yet keep it relevant. Toushirou's past has been itching me like forever and it's been one of the reasons i began writing this story (and Rangiku's past too!). So i hope you enjoy it! **

**A little warning; the next chapter is really long. And there's a lot of drama...!**

* * *

**Part 3 – Apart like Night and Day**

**Shadows over Innocence**

Jin, Michio and Toushirou were sitting on the pine tree's branch, close to the trunk where it was widest, their legs dangling in the air and their eyes focused on the opened scroll in Jin's hands. A light breeze caused the leaves to rustle above their heads reminding them that although it was warm under the sunrays winter still lingered in the air.

"So?" Toushirou asked with a raised eyebrow.

Jin's hazel eyes moved up and down as he read the scroll for the hundredth time. Michio and Toushirou looked up at him with great anticipation of the older boy's opinion.

"It looks fine!" Jin finally grinned satisfyingly handing the scroll back to Toushirou. "I don't think she'll suspect. I mean… the handwriting is mine and she doesn't know it, and the words… they sound grown-up, right?"

"I hope so!" Toushirou sighed worriedly.

"Then how are we sending it to aunt Hikari?" Michio asked with a serious frown over his big eyes.

Jin and Toushirou exchanged looks and the older boy showed a bright grin when an idea popped into his head. "We shall wait for the postman before he comes here!"

"The postman? He comes every second week at the hour of the dragon. That means in two days." Toushirou said rubbing his hands nervously as he realized his brother's plan.

"So, we wait for him in the morning of the day after tomorrow without father and aunt Hikari knowing and we ask the postman to hand it to aunt as if it came from Hisashi-san!" Jin crossed his arms on his chest still grinning proudly.

Toushirou and Michio exchanged glances.

"That's stupid! Why would Hisashi-san give it to the postman when he lives two steps away?" Toushirou said crossing his arms as well with a frown of confusion.

"Yeah, that sounds stupid!" Michio added and crossed his arms as well.

The three brothers sat there contemplating over their plan with furrowed brows.

A flock of sparrows soared through the sky and after completing a circle landed back onto a higher branch of the pine tree. It was past midday and it had already become slightly warmer, but up high on that tree branch the air was cooler and the shade provided by the covers of leaves made the three boys shiver.

After a long moment of silence Toushirou spoke first.

"We could just leave it in front of the door. It would be the most convincing way."

Jin grimaced.

"Hmm, it should be something more romantic. I mean… the guy is confessing his feelings in this letter, right? Just placing it on the threshold of the door, it's _boring_!"

Michio and Toushirou sighed tiredly.

"I really have no idea how these things work!" Toushirou mumbled annoyed with himself for being unable to come up with an adequate plan to bring Hisashi-san and his aunt together.

"Neither do I!"Michio added mimicking Toushirou's frown.

Jin chuckled witnessing the similarity between his two brothers.

"What if we tell Hisashi-san himself to hand it over?" he suggested.

"Huh?"

"Idiot! If he reads it, he-"

"We just tell him to hand it over to aunt Hikari without telling him what it's about. Just tell him it's a surprise!" Jin said to Toushirou.

"No, that's too risky!" his turquoise eyes glanced downwards towards Takashima-san's farmhouse.

"But you are convinced he likes aunt Hikari, aren't you? We're just making his life easier, that's all!" Jin tried to reason his suggestion.

Toushirou didn't look convinced.

"Argh, but we're messing with a grown-up issue here! Maybe…!"

"Toushirou!" Jin patted the boy's knee. "It'll work, don't worry! I'll make sure of it!" the eldest brother showed a fist and put the scroll in the inner pocket of his kimono and started climbing down the tree.

"Wish me luck!" he grinned from the ground being watched from his two nervous little brothers and then headed towards Takashima-san's house.

Toushirou and Michio leaned over the tree branch to have a better look over the front door which Jin had just knocked. Takashima-san's wife answered and the boys noticed Jin disappearing into the house with a confident grin on his face.

Toushirou regretted for sharing his plan with his brothers.

"I have a bad feeling about this!" he sighed heavily and exchanged worrisome looks with Michio.

…

Three days passed and the three brothers had not heard or seen any indication of Hisashi-san giving aunt Hikari the love-letter. Aunt Hikari was her usual self, only a little more energetic every time she was in the same room with her older brother, and then a little gloomier when Toushirou watched her in secret tidying up the house by herself.

He was sure that, had Hisashi-san given her the scroll in which he -supposedly- confessed his feelings to her, aunt Hikari would be on cloud nine.

One afternoon Toushirou finally found her alone in her room. She was on her knees brushing the tatami floor. Her long hair was tied up in a bun and some strands were glued upon her sweaty temples as her bright turquoise eyes concentrated on the housework.

Toushirou watched her for a while before he knocked to draw her attention.

The woman looked over her shoulder. She grinned at him the grin he loved.

"Hey, Toushirou! What's up dear?" and she continued brushing the tatami floor. Toushirou crawled over to her.

"Want help?"

"No, it's ok! I just dropped some rice the other day. Don't want ants to come and tickle me in the night! I'd have nightmares for the rest of the month!" she chuckled.

Toushirou pressed his lips together wondering how he could ask her about the letter without making her suspicious, when suddenly he felt a chill down his spine and shivered; that familiar feeling that always warned him of those monsters' appearance made all his senses alert in an instant.

He searched around with his eyes frowning.

It was that shadow with the horned mask hanging upside down from the ceiling.

Toushirou met the strange creature's eyes, although there were no usual eyes but two slits in the skeletal mask. The boy's frown grew deeper as he observed the monster's features slightly altered. The horns had grown longer turning a bit to the front while markings appeared beneath the lower jaw.

For a split second Toushirou saw a sparkle in those dark holes where one's eyes ought to be.

He clenched his teeth irritated with the timing of that creature's appearance.

The two years he could actually see these strange beings, he noticed from the beginning that no one else could see them. At first he would talk to them, ask them questions about their identity and what they were but he never got any answers. Later, he would simply avoid them or even turn hostile towards them since they always made him feel threatened although none had ever lifted a finger.

And now this feeling was much more intense, because not only was he suspecting that this monster was the same over and over again for the past few months, but also had changed into a much more threatening form. For now, he decided to keep an eye on it.

"What's wrong? Did you see any ants already?" his aunt snapped him out of it.

Toushirou winced.

"What happened?" aunt Hikari asked with a worried expression.

"Nothing." Toushirou muttered. "I…" he glanced back at the monster and for the first time noticed a round hole on its shadowy body there where the chest ought to be. Toushirou felt a tight grip in his guts. "It's nothing! Just thought you might need help! But… I shall go then!" Toushirou stood up and without taking his eyes off that strange creature headed towards his own room hoping it would follow him.

And it did…

Toushirou slid the door shut behind it as it crept from the ceiling of the hall into his room.

The monster let a low sound that echoed like a purr but caused Toushirou to shiver.

"What do you want?" Toushirou hissed.

The creature only tilted its masked head in response.

"Why are you after me? Why can't anyone else see you?" his voice raised asking the same questions he had been asking every shadowy creature he had encountered.

The creature fell from the ceiling to land silently in front of Toushirou. The boy's eyes widened as the masked creature stood up to reveal its sharp claws on all its limbs and the hole in its chest. It was taller than his aunt with unproportionally long arms and legs. Toushirou swallowed with difficulty as the creature leaned its head closer to his.

He could hear its voice, deep and echoing coming from all directions causing him to shiver once more.

"_You are Hitsugaya Toushirou."_ it said, its jaws barely opening.

Toushirou felt his heart drumming as a wave of cold air surrounded him coming from that creature. He thought he recognized pain in the deep voice.

For a moment he thought this was the spirit of one of the gods his aunt believed in and used to tell him stories about. Gods in forms of foxes and serpents, gods that blended in the shadows and watched over the good and punished the bad, gods that only revealed themselves to chosen ones. Toushirou had found their stories fascinating and soon had started searching for any indications of their existence.

He remembered being younger when his legs were still weak and he would often prefer to crawl in order to discover the world. Curious as he was, he crept under bushes getting his skin scratched in order to search for those gods that transform into butterflies.

Until he started seeing those _shadows_… it was the moment he started believing that plants, animals and humans were not the only residents of this little part of earth he knew.

At first he enjoyed it, since he had not many friends in this small village. And the fact that only he could see them made him feel somehow special. When this "gift" of his first appeared he had mentioned it to his grandmother. She had only listened apathetically and at the end only told him that this ability would disappear when he'd become older.

But, two years later, Toushirou was still not old enough to stop seeing them. Bu he didn't mind. Watching them watching him he learnt that those _shadows_ had an interest in him… yet never talked to him, teased him or hurt him. They were only there, keeping him company in a twisted way…

And now, Toushirou couldn't help feeling a little scared to trust this being although it had never actually threatened or attacked him.

"Yes. I guess you'd know that much after living here with us!" he said.

The creature moved its head as if looking elsewhere, but the absence of eyes made Toushirou uncertain.

"_I'm… living here?"_

Toushirou furrowed his brows hearing footsteps from the next room. He decided to lower his voice.

"You're not?"

The creature sat down crossing its clawed legs.

"_I don't know. All I know is that… it hurts!"_ the creature touched the hole on its chest.

Toushirou missed a heartbeat touching his chest as well.

"Where is it? Your heart?" he asked.

The creature shrugged and turned its mask with sharp horns upwards.

"_I used to be able to see the light. But now I can only see shadows over everything that used to be bright. Like the sky, the lanterns, you…"_

Toushirou felt his shoulders fall as the air of depression coming from the masked creature made everything around him disappear.

"Me?"

"_Yes, you possess great spiritual power and you are bright among your fellow humans. I was told that I was bright myself as well… once upon a time!"_

"Then why did you turn into a shadow? Were you a human once?" Toushirou sat down on the tatami floor as well.

The creature nodded.

"_I died. I remember burning and hurting all over my body. I was only a little older than you are now when I died."_

Toushirou's lips parted taking his gaze away from the depressed creature.

"I'm sorry!"

"_Thank you!"_

"So… when people die, they turn into shadows, like you and the others who have appeared before me? You see, I've seen more like you but they never talked to me. On the contrary, they… looked angry and more fierce! And always so distant!" Toushirou touched his chin as he thought all the different creatures with masks he had witnessed.

"_I don't know. I don't think so. I've seen souls still in their human forms and they had no holes in their chests. But there are many _shadows_ like me in the next town, to the north."_

"Really?" Toushirou raised his brows. Suddenly he heard more footsteps, this time rushing outside his room. He held his breath waiting until it was quiet.

"Maybe this is where you belong! Maybe you should go there-!"

"_No! No!"_ the creature stood back up on its long hind legs. A spark appeared for a split second in the dark holes of its eyes.

"Why?"

"_They… will eat me!"_

"Wha-?"

"_Promise me, Hitsugaya Toushirou, that you won't go there! Please! Don't ever go to that town!"_

Toushirou felt cold as he slowly stood up to face the creature.

"Why?"

"_Because… it will be the end of you and your family, Hitsugaya Toushirou!"_

This moment the voice of the masked creature sounded so distant and cold it made Toushirou feel more scared than he had ever felt in his life. And as he stared into the creature's eyes the darkness swallowed him and he found himself all alone floating under an endless blackness. Toushirou felt like shouting, but his voice could not be heard, and a pain so great pierced his stomach causing him to fold in two groaning.

Suddenly there was nothing but loneliness. Where his tears never flowed to show his pain and his skin shivered from a wind blowing from within. Where everything hurt inside the chest like a twisting knife held by his own hand…

Toushirou collapsed on his knees and he looked at the lines of his life carved in his open palms like blurry characters writing the story of his insignificant life. Gradually, behind the darkness and the tears those characters became clearer. For a moment he thought he saw the word _ice_ written on it.

His small body burst into spasms and he tried to find the masked creature to comfort him, but it was gone.

He didn't know why he was crying and he didn't know why he was so terrified. It felt like an invisible threat lingered over him making him shiver and shadowing his thoughts. But, as the boy with the bright turquoise eyes drowned in a world of darkness, in her room aunt Hikari was trying to restrain her own tears…

…

The next day Toushirou woke up with red eyes having cried himself to sleep. After blinking many times he saw his father's silhouette blocking the morning light.

The man with the same eyes as Toushirou was leaning beside the window gazing outside when the boy sat up with difficulty. His father looked at him over his shoulder.

"Good morning!" he greeted him with his deep voice.

Toushirou scanned a round in alert, but, when he found no sign of that masked creature he couldn't stop thinking of, he looked up at the frowning man.

"Good morning."

"I came to say goodbye to you, Toushirou. I didn't want to leave without seeing you."

Toushirou furrowed his brows.

"You're leaving?"

"Yes. But your brothers will stay here, with you."

Toushirou looked down at his futon.

"You managed to convince aunt Hikari then!"

His father gave him a sharp glance before walking over to the shut door.

"I will pray for you not to make the same mistakes I did. So… goodby-!"

"I definitely won't! And I'll make sure neither Jin nor Michio get to be like you!" Toushirou gritted his teeth as these words escaped his mouth without second thought. At once he regretted it when he felt his father's eyes burning the side of his face, but he couldn't undo it now. And at the same time didn't want to either…

"Go back to that woman and live a miserable life! And one day you will become a _shadow_ because of it! Because you abandoned your kids and because you don't love your own sister and parents enough to make _their _lives easier!" Toushirou's ice cold stare turned towards the standing man who winced slightly when their eyes met. "You love no one but yourself!"

The man's lips parted, but beside that he remained apathetic.

Father and son kept their gazes locked for a long moment, just like they had the first time they met days ago when that man had arrived with his two sons.

Suddenly, they both looked away when the door slid open and aunt Hikari entered the room with a deep frown shadowing her beautiful eyes which were red like Toushirou's.

Toushirou guessed she had been crying because of that man destroying her life.

"Toushirou… please, don't speak this way to your father!" she said with a trembling voice.

"I have no father! I only have you, grandmother and grandfather and Hisashi-san! And now I also have two brothers! But no father! Never!" Toushirou shouted standing up from his futon clenching his fists and approaching the two grown-ups. "You care about no one! You love no one! You are _hollow_!" Toushirou growled feeling his throat burning.

The man finally lowered his gaze. Aunt Hikari looked up at him and touched the back of his hand compassionately. Toushirou saw that and felt like throwing up.

"Why do _you_ care about him when he doesn't care about you?" Toushirou looked up at his aunt who quickly looked away with shame.

"Toushirou, dear, I'm so so… sorry!" aunt Hikari broke into tears hiding her face.

Toushirou felt the earth disappearing beneath his feet. As if he was floating in this darkness he had seen when he had looked into the empty eyes of the masked _shadow_ the previous day.

"Why? Why are you sorry? Why won't you hit him in the face and-!"

"Stop it!" aunt Hikari cried weakly.

"Why don't you hate him? How can you stand him? Why?" Toushirou was shaking with anger not understanding anything, just like he hadn't understood the masked s_hadow's _despair, just like he couldn't understand why Hisashi-san wouldn't confess to his aunt when he obviously liked her, just like he couldn't understand many things in life but had learnt to accept and usually pass them by. But now he realized that he couldn't let some things be, because they had a great impact on him and made him feel lost and weak, helpless and useless…

How many times had he wondered that if he were a grown-up then people around him would take his opinion into consideration, would ask his help and would turn to him when in need of an adviser. Maybe then he would be able to understand what was going on in the grown-ups' minds and be able to find a solution for every single problem… Maybe then life would be simpler…

But he was still a child. And he hated himself for this…

Suddenly he heard his father's steady breathing near him and found him looking into his eyes sitting on his heels.

Toushirou made a step backwards defensively furrowing his brows.

"Toushirou!" the man began with a frown of worry over his turquoise eyes. "Your family is your most important thing, because they are the first people in your life you grow close to. The first ones you learn to love!" Aunt Hikari next to him wiped her tears away still not meeting Toushirou's. "I'm no good father, I know that! But-"

"You're no father at all! Don't call yourself a fa-!"

"Shut up, Toushirou!" aunt Hikari screamed suddenly causing both the man and the boy to look at her with shocked expressions. Toushirou's frown deepened.

"Aunt Hikari!"

The woman bolted in front of her brother and grabbed Toushirou tight from his shoulders hurting him.

"Shut up! If you don't understand then just stop! Don't you realize that you're hurting others with your words? You don't know what pain feels like! So stop it, because you just… you just don't understand!" her shoulders were moving up and down as she burnt him with her ice cold stare. Toushirou was at loss of words. "Do not ever insult my brother again, you hear me?" she shouted in his face.

Toushirou shut his eyes tight keeping the tears inside.

"Hikari!" his father said in an undertone grabbing her forearm, but the grip around the boy's shoulders tightened more and the boy could no longer hold back his tears. Toushirou could not tell if they were caused by the pain on his shoulders or the sadness in his heart.

"_This man cares more about you than I do!_" she said the words that made his heart stop beating for an eternal moment.

Toushirou wished at that moment to become a s_hadow_…

"You're… lying!" Toushirou managed to say with a weak voice.

The woman finally let go of him and walked away with a groan.

"No, I don't, Toushirou! There are things you don't know and would not be able to understand! This man… he has done so much about you and your brothers…!"

"Then explain it to me!" Toushirou begged trying to convince himself that this part of his aunt was nothing but an illusion and that his favourite person would soon return to him, smile at him and hug him tight like she used to in order to comfort him and tell him that everything would be alright.

But the glance aunt Hikari gave him made all hope inside the boy's mind fade into thin air.

"One thing I cannot stand is injustice. And listening to you blaming Tomeo is too much for me!"

"But… I-I heard you crying and-and telling him that he was taking advantage of you and your love for him!" Toushirou tried to hold onto every little piece of hope he had.

Aunt Hikari rubbed her forehead.

"You heard that? You eavesdropped?" she hissed.

"So what? The walls are thin in this house!" Toushirou spat.

"Toushirou-nii-san!" a small voice sounded from behind them. Toushirou gapped when he saw the little figure of Michio appearing behind the door.

"Go away, Michio!" Toushirou told him strictly wiping his tears quickly away. But the little boy didn't move as he stared at them with wide eyes. "I said go away!"

"Come with me, nii-san!"

Toushirou could hear his heart slowing its beat inside his ears hearing his little brother calling him for the first time this way.

When they first came into his life two weeks ago, he had promised himself to get rid of them and his father. He despised them for ruining his once quiet and nonchalant life, but in those days he found new friends in his brothers' faces. Every time he was with them, laughing and playing with them, he used to feel a beautiful tickling in his stomach and only now did he realize that this feeling was the love he hold for them.

Watching Michio bearing this sadness and fear in his big hazel eyes felt heavy on his shoulders.

Toushirou exhaled loudly shaking his head hoping that everything that had just occurred would disappear like they had never happened.

But when he looked up to his father and his aunt all he felt was dizziness and such anger that his entire body was burning.

"I hate you! Both of you! You just don't _want_ me to understand!" he hissed under his breath and ran away grabbing Michio's hand on the way out.

Together they ran down the stairs, through the living area and out the door into the sunny day with the morning sunrays warm on their backs.

Where the chickens and the rooster nibbled on the grass, the two boys bumped into a smiling Jin, and Toushirou grabbed his hand as well and they ran away until the house was no longer in their view. Beyond the hill with the elms and blossomed rosebushes, past a small river carrying ice cold water from the mountains in the west and up the next hill with bright pink cherry-blossom trees. There the three boys finally stopped and leaned on their knees or, in Michio's case, kneeled on the grass, panting and gazing towards the town to the north. A main road led towards the busy town filled with carts, horses and citizens from the surrounding villages to exchange their goods or visit the tombs outside the town as the celebration of the vernal equinox came nearer.

"Wow!" Jin brushed his bangs back observing the villagers gathered at the main road.

Toushirou furrowed his brows wondering if that masked _shadow_ that had been visiting him was there with his fellow _shadows_.

Unable to get rid of this new image of his aunt he had in his head, hurting him and shouting at him, and at the same time thinking of his broken family and the darkness he had first experienced the previous day because of that _shadow_, Toushirou decided to go to that town one day even though he'd go against the _shadow_'s warnings. But he'd go alone and search for this strange being, because suddenly he had the desire to look into its empty eyes again. So that he'd be away from his father, away from his aunt and this air of misery and sadness that lingered in his family…

…

The three Hitsugaya brothers were watching the busy main road that led towards the biggest town of the vicinity under the cherry trees with the new-born blossoms.

Jin was smiling happily thinking of asking his aunt to take them to the town, while Toushirou was sitting on the grass hugging his knees and gazing far away from this world. Michio was observing his one-year-older brother with a worried expression and gingerly tapped his shoulder to draw his attention.

Toushirou flinched with fear meeting Michio's eyes. The boy was shaking and Michio bit his lower lip.

"I'm sorry, Toushirou-nii-san! Are you alright?" he asked in a whisper.

Toushirou brought his knees closer and hid his head between them.

"Leave me alone!" he mumbled.

Michio glanced at Jin who was too busy grinning at nobody and decided to sit in front of Toushirou.

"Look what I found in grandmother's room. She said that I could have it! Want to play?" Michio revealed from his pocket a string with tied ends and started moving it around his fingers.

Toushirou tilted his head a little to look at the game Michio had brought. He watched how the little boy held the string with his two forefingers and moved it around the other fingers to create an entanglement of string between his two raised hands. Toushirou felt drowsy watching the grinning boy.

"Were did you learn that?" he asked in an undertone when he realized that Michio had managed a star between his hands with loops around most of his fingers. He couldn't restrain a smile looking at the proud boy. Michio grinned wider when he noticed that he had made his brother smile.

"Father taught me. He said he used to play with strings a lot with aunt Hikari. Look!" Michio untied the string from his fingers and made a loop around Toushirou's forefinger and taught him how to create other complicated shapes.

Toushirou found his mind calm down observing the row Michio made loops around his own and Toushirou's fingers and how he bit his lower lip when he'd realize that he had done something wrong. Suddenly all dark thoughts turned numb.

Some minutes later, Jin sat down beside them chewing on a dried stem of a wildflower.

"Let's go to this town next time!" Jin said pointing to the north with his thumb.

Toushirou glanced at his older brother.

"Let's not." He muttered.

Jin furrowed his brows.

"Why? There we can find many sweets and new toys and maybe see a puppet show!"

Toushirou shook his head. If he would go to that town one day, he had to go alone. The last thing he wanted was to risk his brothers' lives.

"It's… dangerous!" he said as calmly as he could, but Jin noticed the grief tone.

"Well it _is_ a town! But I didn't say we'd go alone! We can tell aunt Hikari to-!"

"No!" Toushirou said suddenly.

Michio and Jin looked at him.

"I say we go back on the tree and play-!" Michio began innocently hoping he'd stop his older brothers' upcoming quarrel in time, but Toushirou's sudden standing up cut him in the middle.

"Why won't you leave me alone?" Toushirou shouted throwing the string at Michio's lap.

"Why would we?" Jin stood up as well.

Toushirou pushed the older boy on his chest biting his lips.

"Before you came everything was fine! And now it's all ruined, destroyed!" Toushirou was shaking again with anger.

"Please go away! Your father is leaving as well! Go with him and tell _him_ to take you to the town!"

Jin and Michio exchanged worried looks.

"Father is-!"

"-leaving?" Michio completed Jin's question.

Toushirou frowned.

"What? He didn't tell you?" he exhaled loudly kicking the grass. "I hate grown-ups! I hate them! They're stupid, idiots, and… !" Toushirou sighed angrily.

Jin's eyes were sparkling with sadness and confusion.

"Why didn't he… tell us?" he mumbled. When he met Toushirou's eyes he grabbed his shoulders tight, but the boy's eyes widened with terror and punched the older boy in the face gritting his teeth.

"Hey!" Michio cried watching Jin hiding his face and Toushirou cursing under his breath. "Why-why did you do this?" the youngest boy screamed.

"He said he'd be leaving this morning, so go and run and tell him goodbye because you'll never see him again! Your _beloved_ father!" Toushirou spat having turned red all over his face and neck.

Jin's lips were swollen while tears were running from his eyes.

"What's wrong with you?" Jin muttered with difficulty.

"Do you really call this-this man your father? When he sends you away and then goes back to live a happy life without you? Are you really positively sure he actually _loves_ you like you wish he does?" Toushirou approached his two brothers, his eyes shadowed by a deep frown.

"That man is selfish! He never loved you! Never! And you keep suppo-!"

"Shut up!" Jin growled. Toushirou missed a heartbeat when he saw thick drops of blood escaping his mouth.

"Don't tell me to-!"

"Yes, I will! Because it seems you really _did_ forget a great deal of things, Toushirou!" Jin shouted straightening his back looking suddenly much older. Toushirou flinched. "Not that I'd blame you, though!" he added in an undertone.

"Wha-?"

"Do you remember our mother? Do you remember what she did to you?" Jin hissed.

Toushirou shivered and after a short moment shook his head.

Jin's angry expression loosened up when he observed fear in his younger brother's eyes. He sighed and glanced at Michio who had lowered his gaze to the ground.

"She is the one who is evil, Toushirou. She almost… killed you two years ago! And if father wasn't around… well, that's why he decided to bring you here to aunt Hikari."

Toushirou gasped.

"She is the one father saved you from. And now he did the same for us." Jin wrapped his one arm around a crying Michio who had hidden his face behind his palms. "She started hurting Michio as well!" he whispered.

Toushirou watched Michio crying silently.

"What is her name?"

"Mother's name?" Jin asked with furrowed brows.

"Yes." Toushirou looked up at Jin with shame.

"Do you really want a name for her? I give you the permission to call her _Hannya_!"

*_Hannya is the name of a scary and evil female demon who transforms into women's form and kills people – Japanese folklore/ mythology.*_

Michio shivered in Jin's arms. The older boy stroked his hair drawing him protectively closer to him. Toushirou felt a chill down his spine as well and pressed his lips together.

He turned his back to them and watched towards the north where the town was dimly visible. For a split second he imagined dark shadows floating over the wall that surrounded the town with horned masks, just like the legend. Toushirou clenched his fists to suppress another shiver across his body when he wondered if his mother was a _shadow_ and had a hole on her chest as well…

But Toushirou kept shaking even when he no longer thought of his mother wearing a mask with horns over her blurry face since he could not remember her. He kept shaking even many moments later with sobs when he realized that he had been wrong. Again.

More than a week ago he had decided to hate his brothers and his father for ruining his aunt's, and so his own, happiness. But as the days passed he was proven wrong. And now he had been wrong about his father… and, letting out another sob, he thought he could understand a little why his aunt had acted the way she did; she was trying to protect her own brother in her own way…

Toushirou fell on his knees and touched his forehead on the grass, his little body shaking, his tears hot against his skin and his fingers and knuckles turned white from the tension.

Somehow, behind those few words and these actions, he thought he understood. And he didn't like it, because for the first time his mind was able to create that darkness in his head on its own. The darkness that _shadow_ had showed him through empty eyes was the same shadow the bitter truth had created in his once innocent mind.

He was shocked with the thoughts that appeared one after the other in his head. Thoughts of horned masks and echoing voices, his mother hurting him and cursing him, _shadows_ floating over his room threatening to suck his soul because it was _bright_, his little brother Michio turning blue as a hand was choking him, and then a fire started burning inside his chest when he thought of his mother dead…

At the age of seven, Toushirou learnt what pain meant. What darkness was and what misery, despair and hatred felt like…

But, although life would become calm and brighter again after his father's departure, the boy with the once bright turquoise eyes could not know that one day all the good things he had learnt would come to an end…

…


	33. White like Snow

**White like Snow**

Before the sun had reached its highest peak in the sky, Hitsugaya Tomeo left the farmhouse behind with his three sons and his younger sister. When the cart pulled by a single horse was about to turn behind the hillside, the man with the bright turquoise eyes gave one last glance at his three sons.

Toushirou couldn't know this would be the last time he'd ever see his father, but a strange feeling did linger in his chest as he watched the cart disappear over the bloomed hillside.

The boy pressed his lips carrying a number of unbearable emotions inside of him.

He had just received too many information and had realized too much as well. All he wanted was a lot of time for himself and himself only. So, without hesitation, he walked back into the house not standing to watch his brothers and his aunt crying over that man.

Toushirou couldn't cry. He had cried a lot today…

All he wanted was to shut his eyes and get lost in this new blackness he had discovered inside of him…

…

When the hottest days of the summer arrived, the atmosphere in the house of the Hitsugaya had turned calm and normal, only that two mouths had been added and aunt Hikari seemed to have grown older through these summer months; trying to work in order to feed three children and two elders.

Her eyes seemed to look rarely anywhere higher than eye-level and her limbs looked heavier, like attached logs on a hunched torso.

Even Toushirou had lost his former energy. Only in the carefree company of his two brothers would he forget of the dark thoughts that haunted his nights.

The crickets sang without growing tired hidden in bushes and in the shades of the trees. And the louder and quicker the rhythm of their song became the hotter it was. Michio insisted that it was the crickets that made the air warmer, and Jin would chuckle with his stupidity and call him idiot. Toushirou would simply smile, but even then he had to force it.

With the string with tied ends looped around his fingers, Toushirou observed aunt Hikari peeling vegetables for lunch and Jin carrying a heavy watermelon into the kitchen. He was biting his tongue and groaned when he carefully placed the huge watermelon on the ground.

"Look what Takashima-san gave me! He had at least a dozen watermelons of that size! It looks yammi!" Jin grinned and sat cross-legged beside aunt Hikari.

Toushirou was leaning by the kitchen and met Jin's eyes.

"You've become an expert with this, huh?" he eyed the string between the younger boy's raised palms which had formed a complicated entanglement. It looked like a very thick spider web.

Toushirou noticed aunt Hikari's eyes move a little, but they didn't look up at him. She just kept peeling the vegetables and then placing them in a wooden bowl.

"Ah, aunt Hikari, Takashima-san said that he is inviting us all tomorrow to Hisashi-san's birthday. They will be making fish Hisashi-san himself caught! And crabs!" Jin said looking back at his aunt.

Aunt Hikari shoved a strand behind her ear and gave a weak grin at the twelve-year-old boy.

"Oh, that's nice of them! We could not decline Takashima-san's invitation. They have always been so nice to us!" she said and finally gave a glance to Toushirou. He flinched and quickly looked away.

"Though I wonder what present we could give Hisashi-san for his birthday!" she added and went on with her work.

Jin shrugged.

"Let's go to the town and buy something for him!" Jin suggested to Toushirou's surprise.

Aunt Hikari smiled.

"That's sounds a good idea. Maybe a hair comb or sandals. Something useful, something he would want to keep!"

Jin and Toushirou exchanged looks as aunt Hikari lowered her head and blushed.

Jin grinned widely.

"Hisashi-san is a very nice man! He let us ride his horse, Eiji, the other day. He said that Michio really was good with horses! What was it he said?" Jin tipped his forefinger on his chin glancing at Toushirou.

"That he can communicate with them." Toushirou reminded him. Jin nodded. "Yes. Exactly!"

"Really? I remember Eiji! He's a cinnamon-brown one, isn't he?" aunt Hikari furrowed her brows.

Jin nodded.

"That horse was born in Takashima-san's stable. He has been Hisashi-san's best friend from the beginning! I remember…" aunt Hikari's turquoise eyes sparkled as she smiled genuinely looking at Jin and then at Toushirou. Toushirou felt a tight grip in his chest when he saw that kind of softness on her face returning her all the youth and beauty she once possessed. "… Hisashi-san was in your age when Eiji was born. He used to sleep beside him and talk to him as if he were human! I was quite jealous and I complained to your grandfather that I also wanted a horse of my own. But all we had back then were chickens, cats and some mice in the storage room!"

"Why didn't Hisashi-san let you talk with Eiji?" Jin asked with interest.

Aunt Hikari chuckled.

"He said that… I did not have the ability to understand him!" she said, with sadness ringing in her gentle voice. "But luckily we both grew up soon and stopped believing in those things! At least I did! But still, Hisashi-san loves that horse more than anything!" and she continued peeling the vegetables.

Toushirou noticed Jin furrowing his brows giving him that grown-up air he used to have in similar situations. He looked wise and experienced, as if his eyes had seen the world and his hands had worked for years. Suddenly he saw the man Jin would become one day.

"I'm sure you know this is not true!" Jin said simply.

Aunt Hikari glanced at him and smiled.

"What do you mean?"

"How long do you know Hisashi-san?" Jin asked.

Aunt Hikari furrowed her brows.

"For a time that feels like forever!"

"And how long has he been living in this village?"

Aunt Hikari looked at Jin tilting her head sideways.

"Why?"

"Has he ever left this village? I mean… there are not many young people living here. There are no other kids in our age, except Shudou Hiroki and Aoi who live under that huge weeping willow and Kato-san who has a baby. That means that young people don't stay long here. I guess they all live in that town to the north, right?"

Aunt Hikari finally let go of the vegetables and looked with a serious expression at Jin.

"Right."

Jin raised his brows.

"So… that means that Hisashi-san has a reason he never left this village!"

Toushirou parted his lips unconsciously as he realized what Jin was doing.

"Something kept him here! Or… someone!" Jin said with confidence. Toushirou couldn't help a smile.

Aunt Hikari looked slightly surprised for a moment before smiling softly.

"Hisashi-san is a handsome man. It wouldn't surprise me that he stayed back for one of his admirers!" she said and stood up with the basket filled with peeled vegetables in her arms.

"Have you ever seen him with another woman?"

Toushirou noticed the flinch in his aunt's body.

"Why are you making these questions, dear?"

Jin glanced at Toushirou.

"I'll tell this straight to you, aunt Hikari! He likes you! Hisashi-san likes you and probably has liked you _forever_, like you said!" Jin said calmly and stood up too. For a moment Toushirou thought his oldest brother looked taller and bigger.

Aunt Hikari had her back turned towards them.

"And you came to that conclusion because he is nice to me?" she asked.

Toushirou felt that chill inside of him. His eyes at once darted upwards, but he saw no sign of those _shadows_.

"Yes. And he looks at you in a way that… as if you're a basket filled with candy! I think it's obvious he thinks of you! A lot!"

Aunt Hikari looked over her shoulder. She looked hurt.

"Did he ever… tell you this? That… he thinks of me?" she asked with difficulty.

Toushirou furrowed his brows wondering where the once happy and energetic person he loved and admired the most in the world was. For two years he looked up to her bright aura and her unbreakable confidence. Three months ago she would run to Takashima-san's house and confess to her childhood friend if she had heard those words, but now she looked as if everything dear had been taken away from her right out of her hands.

The grip inside his chest grew tighter and he lowered his gaze not bearing to see that shadow taking over his favourite person.

"You like him too, don't you? Aunt Hikari."

"Answer my question, Jin!" aunt Hikari sounded cold.

Jin flinched.

"No… but it is obvious! If you just… look, you will see!" Jin grew impatient.

"And what? You think that I'll go there and for a present to his birthday give him a confession? And then what? We will marry and be happy? Have you ever thought what would happen to you then?"

Jin and Toushirou grew stiff and nervous under their aunt's cold stare.

"But… Hisashi-san is nice! He… he would-!" Jin stuttered.

"Adopt you? Three kids? Are you serious?" aunt Hikari sighed and hit the basket with the vegetables on the kitchen bank. Toushirou noticed her knuckles turned white.

"Especially from you Jin, I never expected you to be so innocent! Not after what you've _seen_!" Jin frowned. Toushirou clenched his fists.

"What's that got to do with anything?" Jin whispered.

Aunt Hikari quickly turned around to face the tall boy.

"This world is no fairy tale! One has to work all day and all year to have food on the table! Let alone to feed _three _toddlers and _two_ elders who cannot walk anymore! Do you think I don't believe in a prettier world? Where someone, just _one_ looks after me? Who does? And I tell you it is _not_ Takashima Hisashi-san! He was never there when I needed someone the most! He's just a dream!"

Aunt Hikari touched her chest with her palm looking tired. Her cheeks had turned red and her lips dry.

"No, you are just too blind to realize that he is no dream. You are too miserable to see that he is real and that he smiles when he sees you watching over your flowers. He observes you when you clean the veranda and always offers you a hand with the housework. It seems to me that you _like_ being alone!" Toushirou spoke coldly.

Aunt Hikari froze and her eyes were shadowed by a deep frown.

"Toushirou!" Jin hissed.

"Everyone tries to help, but you don't see it!" Toushirou raised his voice. "Do you think we like seeing you this way? You are like a _shadow_! An empty shell wandering around and feeding only on your misery!"

Aunt Hikari slapped Toushirou on the face.

Toushirou felt his cheek burn in an instant and the sound of skin on skin still rang in his ears. His right eye turned watery as he glared into his aunt's cold eyes.

"So it's true? That those two years I lived here were a lie?" he whispered as he brought back to his mind the intense conversation he had with her the morning his father left.

The bright blue rings in his aunt's eyes disappeared behind the dilated pupils. Her lips parted as she stared into his eyes. He could see a storm breaking inside of her turning her irises dimmer. It was tears and as he watched them escaping her eyes one after the other, he knew that everything was indeed a lie…

The person he loved above everything was the one that hated him the most…

She had been wearing a mask all this time and had only dropped it when her brother came back in her life.

Toushirou felt the urge to slap her back, and fought hard to restrain himself, but he knew that it would not make anything right again. Everything had fallen apart. Everything that once was had faded away, like the clouds in the sky, like the heat in the night, like the _shadows' _hearts…

After that incident, the two older brothers grew more distant from their aunt.

They rarely exchanged more words than the necessary ones. Yet, although the house had been drowned by silence, Jin and Toushirou spent most of their day helping their aunt with the household because of the guilt.

The night after that fight, Toushirou had asked Jin to run away and find a place to live on their own, but the oldest brother had managed to talk some sense into the angry younger brother telling him that there was no way they would make it alone. No one would accept three children to work, let alone treat with respect. Jin had spoken adult-like, making Toushirou angrier than he already was.

But he knew that Jin was right.

If their own parents and aunt didn't want them, then why would a stranger accept them in their family…

Once again, Toushirou despised himself for being _still_ seven years old.

And he also hated Jin for acting like a grown-up when the three of them were alone. But at the same time felt glad that he had him. Because if Jin was not around, he would have probably run off to the town in the north with Michio and put both of their lives at risk, just so that he could satisfy his selfish desires.

At the arrival of autumn, life in the Hitsugaya house had become calm again.

They had celebrated aunt Hikari's birthday and had invited the Takashima family from next door over as well. For one afternoon the house was lively again. Loud voices and laughter, presents and a rich dinner on the table. But even then, Toushirou couldn't help feeling sad as he observed the lines on his aunt's face turn deeper, especially every time her eyes dared to glance at Hisashi-san.

Toushirou and his brothers never dared to ask if Hisashi-san had given that scroll to their aunt. Their guess was that he had not, because, to the three brothers' disappointment, the next month it was announced that Hisashi-san would marry and build a new home.

The last hope the three brothers tried to hold on to had become another dried leaf in the sky…

As all the colours of the summer faded away, silence once again drowned the farmhouse. The air grew colder in the night and darker inside Toushirou's room.

The _shadow_ with the horned mask never appeared again after the first time it spoke to him and warned him of the town in the north. Toushirou guessed that it had disobeyed its own warnings and had been eaten by other _shadows_. Or, as he preferred to think, he had found friends in that town…

The idea of going there one day became a beacon in his darkest hours during the endless nights. It became his target for his uncertain and unknown future, in which he couldn't help but see pain and sadness, no satisfaction and no love… Just the memories of his broken family and the unfulfilled desires of the ones he cared about.

Too often he caught himself thinking that he didn't want to care about anyone anymore, and then he would slap himself mentally.

As the first snow fell, Toushirou had become a numb being. He didn't feel anymore, he didn't see anymore. His body was there among his aunt and his silent grandparents, but his soul floated far away divided in a million parts hidden in every single snowflake he could see in the cloudy sky following the force of the northern wind. And among those millions of snowflakes he could feel some peace and a slight hint of happiness, because there he was alone looking down at everything that was distant and becoming a part of the world around him.

Like the absent leaves of the cherry trees, the absent colours on the hillside, the absent warmth inside his chest…

He himself was absent.

Only when sitting alone with his brothers would his soul return back in that small body to look back at the world through the once bright turquoise eyes with rings of teal.

Only then would he become the innocent and smiling child he once was.

That was when Jin first noticed a white lock in the brown hair of Toushirou's…

…

After Toushirou's eighth birthday, when spring returned to awaken everything that had been hibernating during one of the coldest winters, Hisashi-san paid the Hitsugaya family a sudden visit.

Jin had answered the door and he grinned at the man he hadn't seen since before the winter on his wedding.

"Hi, Jin-kun! How are you?"

"Hisashi-san! I'm fine thanks! Come in!" Jin jumped up the single step where all the shoes and sandals were lined up. Hisashi-san took his off as well and followed Jin in the living-area. He was holding a basket covered with a cloth.

"How much did you grow? You will soon reach me the way you grow so fast!" Hisashi-san chuckled.

Jin grinned proudly.

"More than half a palm! Grandmother insists I will become taller than my father! My father isn't very tall though. He's shorter than you… I think!"

"Well, don't become too tall, or else you will need to buy new clothes every new season! That's really troublesome, believe me!" Hisashi-san chuckled and his eyes looked around.

"Is Hikari-san here?"

Jin scratched his brow.

"She's upstairs with my grandparents. But I shall call her!"

"Oh no, I can wait! Don't interrupt them!" Hisashi-san smiled softly. "Ehm, how are your grandparents doing?"

"Fine. The same actually. I… cannot tell really. They prefer their quietness up there! The doctor visited some time ago, but aunt Hikari never told us what he diagnosed."

"I'm sure if something was not right, she would have told you!" Hisashi-san assured him. Jin gave him a genuine smile.

"Yeah, I guess." He glanced into the kitchen where Toushirou was cleaning rice. "I will prepare some tea. Please have a seat!" Jin gestured beside the small fire burning in a square hole in the floor with futons around it.

Jin walked into the small kitchen and looked at his younger brother.

"He looks… happy!" Toushirou muttered in an undertone.

Jin furrowed his brows.

"Yeah… he does."

When aunt Hikari walked into the living area, Jin and Toushirou noticed her stiffen the moment she met the sudden visitor. She glanced over her shoulder at them and then looked back at a frowning Hisashi-san.

"Hello! Hisashi-san!" she greeted with s smile.

Hisashi-san stood up and said something to aunt Hikari the boys could not hear from that distance. He offered her the basket and then excused herself to walk into the small kitchen.

"The tea is ready!" Jin said.

Aunt Hikari put two cups and the tea on a disk and walked away again. At the threshold of the kitchen she halted and looked over her shoulder at them.

"Please go outside. I'd appreciate some privacy!" Dark circles were now permanently painted under her eyes. "Please!"

Toushirou felt his heart sink inside his chest and then his brother's grip around his wrist as he pulled him out of the kitchen from the back door.

"Of course!" Jin assured her and closed the door behind him with a frowning Toushirou next to him.

And so, as Toushirou, Jin and Michio were told after that private meeting, at the end of that month Hisashi-san would leave the village along with his new wife, a beautiful young lady with the name that meant spring, Haru. The horse Michio had really liked, Eiji, would leave with him as well. As a result the village grew quieter as another summer warmed up the land.

Hisashi-san had already left the village when Toushirou was helping Michio tidy up his clothes and Jin entered the room with a grin on his face.

"Want some watermelon?" and he revealed from behind his back three slices of juicy watermelon.

Toushirou and Michio laughed and jumped up on their feet to grab a slice, but Jin raised them higher up so they could not reach them.

"Hey!"

"Come on!"

"Uh-uh! First I want to announce you that…" He made a swirl around himself and then showed all of his teeth. "… I convinced aunt Hikari to let us go to town! Ha ha, I'm great, am I not?"

Michio looked with an open mouth at his older brother before he started hopping around like a rabbit. "Yeahy! You are great, Nii-san!"

Toushirou on the other hand was frowning.

"You did what?"

"We're going to town! We will buy sweets, eat grilled eel, buy new sandals and clothes, if the money is adequate! I really hope we see real samurai!" Jin said simply not noticing the flames behind Toushirou's eyes.

"And perhaps Hisashi-san and Haru-san!" Michio added while fighting to reach his piece of watermelon.

"There are a million other places we can go. Why there?"

Jin furrowed his brows perplexed with the lack of excitement in Toushirou's face.

"Because. It is the closest town! To the south there are only more tiny villages like ours!" Jin said matter-of-factly.

Toushirou felt his throat dry.

"We… cannot go there!"

Michio stopped moving and looked at Toushirou as well. "Why can't we? Aunt Hikari said we could!"

"Because! Because it's dangerous! There are strange… things there!"

Jin chuckled.

"Come on! It will be fun! And we can go to a barber and ask him about your new hair colour!"

Toushirou flinched and touched the white strands that had appeared in-between his brown hair.

"No! We can't! Please, Jin, it's… it's too dangerous! We can send Hisashi-san a letter and ask him to send us sandals from the town!" Toushirou felt his palms sweat.

"But why? Besides if it is _as_ dangerous as you say it is, we can ask Hisashi-san to show us around! Really, what's going on with you?" Jin patted his shoulder. Toushirou shoved his hand forcefully away.

Michio widened his eyes.

"Please don't fight!" the younger boy mumbled.

Jin and Toushirou glanced at him and then Jin offered them their slices of watermelon.

"Thanks!" Michio grinned at once and took a mouthful while red juice dripped from the corners of his mouth.

Toushirou took his slice as well and gave an apologetic look at Jin. Jin grinned and then walked over the open window to spit the corns out.

Toushirou knew that he couldn't tell his brothers about the _shadow_'s warnings. They would only laugh at him. Especially Jin. He had already reached an age where he started thinking like a grown-up, even though he had received that role long before when he tried to look after his younger brothers in a house with a mother he tried hard to forget.

But as Toushirou was letting himself surrender to his own demons during the nights, Jin was fighting his own demons as well. Before the winter, his grandmother had told him that he was now the man of the house and, so, held the responsibility to watch over everyone who lived under that roof.

As a result, Jin worked harder than usual, would take care of things his aunt now seemed to forget about, like the storing of food in autumn and repairs the house required. But beside that, Jin had made the decision to make everyone in his new family a little happier. Especially Toushirou who worried him the most.

Since that quarrel they had with their aunt, he noticed Toushirou's hair grow white at some spots. His eyes seemed to have a constant darker tint, like the rough ocean fighting to reach the sky, and his words became fewer and colder when he addressed their aunt.

He thought that a small trip to town would enlighten their mood…

But, fortunately for Jin, Toushirou rarely ignored his suggestions. And so, the next day, the three brothers put on their travelling cloaks and headed towards the north to meet the busy main road that led to the town Toushirou wanted so much to avoid.

It was a beautiful day. The villagers were outside working on the fields under the warm sun. Conical thatched hats popped out of the vast fields of green and yellow like curious moles, while sparrows and crows circled over the clear sky searching for a place in the shades of the huge pine trees. Wild chickens gathered close to the main road nibbling on litter that gathered there where humans were crowded.

Jin, Toushirou and Michio were dumb-struck with the number of villagers heading or leaving the town. They would often bump into other people who smelled of sweat and booze, while the scent of animal droppings caused the three boys to hide their noses behind the collar of their cloaks.

Jin pulled his younger brothers away from the main road and walked under the shades of the woods away from the stink of the town. There were other people as well who preferred the slightly clearer air of the woods.

Michio stuck his tongue out with disgust.

"The town stinks like the loo after Jin-nii-san has-!"

Jin slapped the back of his youngest brother's head.

"Hey! It's true!" Michio cried rubbing the small of his neck.

"Oh, and yours smells like roses? Are you kidding me?" Jin furrowed his brows.

Toushirou started laughing.

Michio couldn't suppress a smile as well.

"You both stink like donkeys!" Toushirou joked. Jin and Michio glared at him while Toushirou forgot all about the dangers of that town and burst into an hysterical laughter.

"You idiot! There is no shit that smells good! You are the worst of all, you-!" Jin shouted and started chasing Toushirou. The boy ran away but it was difficult as he was laughing so hard at the same time. Michio chased them as well, and so in less than an hour they reached the walls that surrounded the town.

There they headed towards the main gate where the main road led.

Under the cloud of the town's scent, the three boys gasped at the sight of the biggest crowd they had ever seen in their short lives.

Suddenly they were pushed from more people who tried to squeeze themselves inside the walls along with their horses, donkeys, dogs, and carts. Jin pulled Toushirou and Michio closer to him and away from the crowd.

They had no idea where to go, and Toushirou couldn't help feeling alert keeping his eyes wide open not to miss a single glimpse of one of those _shadows_. But all he could see were people, animals and a constant cloud of dirt and smoke and a million scents in the air.

"Let's find the shops." Jin had to shout to be heard among the noises and voices.

Michio and Toushirou nodded and followed their oldest brother.

Toushirou felt many eyes staring at them. He even felt like being followed, but the streets were too narrow to fit all those people. A cat jumped up a barrel beside them and meowed at the sky. Toushirou couldn't see anything, but he felt that familiar shiver down his spine.

Suddenly, Toushirou had bumped into Michio and Michio had bumped into Jin as the latter had halted in front of what seemed to be an old pharmacy. Jin looked at them over his shoulder.

"Come on in!" he grinned and entered the shop.

Jin bought some special herbs for his grandparents aunt Hikari had asked him to, and some special tea-leaves that smelled too bitter. Toushirou and Michio were observing the shop with wide eyes not realizing how much time had passed in which Jin had shoved them out of the shop again.

The three brothers followed a small alley and then a corner that led into another alley and then they met another crowd of people, which in the boys' eyes seemed to be the same crowd as the one at the main gate, though this time there were no animals included.

Jin pointed towards a kiosk with a striped tent above it and a man who was wearing a bandana around his bald head, which had turned yellow from the sweat. A trail of smoke left the bar and a distinguishable scent.

The three boys licked their lips.

"Eel!" Jin sighed.

"Grilled!" Michio hopped.

Toushirou felt his mouth watery and was the first to bolt towards the kiosk with the bald man. The man looked at him over the bar and gave him a half-toothless grin. Toushirou flinched with the sight, but the scent attracted him closer.

"Oi there, boy! Want some nice and fresh _unagi-no-kobayaki_?"

Toushirou nodded three times with wide eyes watching the smoke enshrouding the man's tanned face making him look like a demon emerging from the mist. Suddenly a flame shot up and the man tripped backwards with a surprised expression.

Toushirou flinched and swallowed with difficulty. Jin and Michio appeared beside him.

"So? What is it? Three, six, twenty? How many do ya boys want, huh?" the man growled over the smoke.

"Can we see the eels, mister?" Jin asked with an innocent grin.

The man's single brow raised since the other seemed to have been burnt away by that flame. Toushirou chuckled. The man glared at him.

"Wha? What's so funny, boy?"

"You… lost an eyebrow, sir!" Toushirou said and chuckled again. Michio giggled.

The man touched both his eyebrows with his oily hands and when he found that one had been burnt away grinned widely and then laughed aloud.

"Hahaha! Lucky you, boys! You'll have special grilled eel with a little flavor of the great Kamenosuke-san! Haha!"

The three boys exchanged looks and then started laughing drawing many eyes upon them.

"Can we have three _unagi-no-kobayaki_, sir?" Jin said and continued laughing.

The brothers took the bamboo sticks with the grilled eel and the sauce which dripped on their bare hands. Kamenosuke-san insisted they sit with him to eat it, but, after seeing the very lively eels in the barrel behind the bar swimming in circles and then being cut while still writhing they left with quick steps.

Michio still looked terrified at his grilled eel while walking in the busy market street as if the eels would come back to life and bite off his nose.

"Really, Michio! Don't let it go to waste! It was not cheap you know!" Jin scolded him.

Toushirou enjoyed his eel and chuckled with the terror in his younger brother's eyes.

"It's fantastic!" he said between bites.

"Did you see that one eel with the white mark on its tail? Or front, couldn't tell really! It looked like you!" Jin laughed.

Toushirou lowered his gaze as he did every time Jin made a comment over his white strands.

It was almost midday when the boys reached the main square of the town. There was a beautiful spring with cherry trees above it wearing their green. A group of women were sitting by the spring with their colourful _yukata_ and their eyes lowered as they observed their reflections on the clear water.

Jin stared a little longer at the group of women while Toushirou and Michio were observing a small crowd of men gathered at the other side of the spring. Horses were lined up as well drinking with delight the fresh water.

Toushirou flinched when he saw that all the men had blades hanging from their waists.

"Jin, Jin, look! Samurai!" he whispered at his brother.

Jin gasped.

"Wow!"

Hesitantly, they decided to approach one of the men who was attending one of the horses. It was a big, white stallion with black eyes and grey strands hanging from his muscular neck.

The man looked at the boys and smiled.

"Hello!" he greeted warmly.

Toushirou met the man's eyes which were as blue as the midday sky. His dark blonde hair were tied in a loose ponytail while his skin was rough and tanned, something that Toushirou explained from the many wars that man must have fought. He looked tired, but still radiated the air of a strong and powerful man. His movements were simple and precise, although he was just brushing the perfect fur of his white horse, and his eyes were steady and friendly.

"Hello, mister! Sorry for bothering your precious time!" Jin bowed formally and then pushed the back of his brothers' necks to do the same.

The samurai chuckled.

"What are your names, boys?" he asked continuing taking care of the beautiful beast.

"Hitsugaya Jin, sir! These are my brothers. Toushirou and Michio!" Jin said aloud.

Michio's and Toushirou's eyes sparkled.

"Nice to meet you, Hitsugaya brothers!"

"Mister… are you… a samurai, sir?" Jin asked with a blush.

The man glanced at him and his lips curled up.

"Yes. I am!"

Jin smiled. So did Michio. Toushirou couldn't take his eyes off that tall and muscular horse whose eyes seemed to drill into his.

"That's… great! I… I wish I'll become a samurai as well one day!" Jin said.

Toushirou noticed the man looking at Jin a while longer.

"Then why don't you? I suggest you do not wait much longer. Or else it'll be too late."

"Late?"

"Yes. Or else you'll have grown too old."

Jin's brows furrowed.

"Why? If I'm old, it's impossible to become a samurai?" Jin sounded sad.

The man chuckled softly and put the brush down. Then he brushed the long hair of the horse with his fingers and stroked its long nose. The horse lowered its head slightly in response and closed its eyes.

Toushirou smiled.

"It is a beautiful horse, sir!" he said.

The man looked at him.

"Yes, he is! But… he used to be so much more beautiful. Not long ago. He's been through much, this horse. He grew old in a matter of days although he's so young!" the samurai stroked the gray strands that fell smoothly over the horse's neck. Toushirou thought of his own white strands, and he noticed the man looking at him a little longer as well. As if he had read his mind.

Suddenly another man, much younger appeared behind them looking at the samurai with a steady look.

"Uncle, Hachitarou-san came." The younger samurai announced. He gave a quick glance at the three boys and then waited for the older samurai. The man nodded and smiled at the brothers who were watching him with glowing eyes.

The samurai chuckled.

"Have a good day, Hitsugaya brothers! Take good care of each other!" and he walked away with the younger man following him faithfully.

Jin, Toushirou and Michio followed him with their eyes, like moths drawn to the light and observed his firm walking, his broad shoulders and the dark sheaths of the two blades hanging from his left side.

"Matsumoto-san! Good to see you again!" another man with a moustache over his thin lips greeted the samurai.

The three boys had drawn all of their attention at the crowd of samurai that formed slowly a closed circle around the samurai they had met and the one with the moustache.

"Hachitarou-san! What took you so long?"

Suddenly the three boys' view was blocked by the younger samurai who glared down at them. Jin flinched and bowed, pushing his two brothers down as well, apologized on their behalf and then they ran away.

Toushirou threw one last look at the samurai with the white stallion before disappearing behind a corner.

Jin was panting and frowning.

Michio was grinning from one ear to the other.

A breeze soothed the town from the summer heat when the three brothers were slowly heading toward the main gate to return home.

Since their encounter with that samurai with the white horse, the boys could not stop talking about it. Michio wondered how heavy his _katana_ could be while Jin wondered if there was a _dojo_ in town he could apply to in order to start his training as a samurai as soon as possible. Toushirou on the other hand was thinking of that white horse while his fingers were unconsciously going through his scattered with white strands hair.

The moment they walked through the gate Toushirou shivered intensely and stopped dead in his tracks. Slowly he raised his head and behind him, standing over the big wall he saw that _shadow_ with the horned mask. But it looked so much different that made Toushirou gap with fear.

The mask had become at least twice the former size and the horns had become so long it made him look like a furious bull. The slits where eyes ought to be had become smaller and the markings had become more vivid along the horns and the lower jaw line. The _shadow _slowly crept down the wall to land in front of the frozen Toushirou forming a ring of dirt to rise around him.

"_Hitsugaya Toushirou!"_ its voice sounded deeper and louder, but Toushirou could tell no one else could hear or see it. His brothers had walked further away not having realized what had happened.

Toushirou felt his throat dry and looked up at the _shadow_.

The first time he had talked to that _shadow_ it seemed so desperate and sad, but now Toushirou could feel no misery and despair. Only fear. And cold.

"_Why did you come here, boy?"_

Toushirou pressed his lips together as he fought to breathe and not collapse on his knees.

The _shadow_ made a step closer with its very long and thin hind legs. A deep growl escaped its filled with sharp teeth mouth.

"_Are you afraid?"_

Toushirou quickly shook his head. The strange being laughed loud creating a gust of wind that made the small Toushirou to fall down.

"Hey! Toushirou, what on earth are you doing?" Jin's voice sounded.

Toushirou flinched and quickly turned to look over his shoulder at his two brothers.

"Don't-don't come here! I'm… fine! I'm coming!" he shouted as calmly as he could. The _shadow_ snickered.

Jin and Michio stopped in their tracks with furrowed brows.

"Then come on!" Jin ordered. Seeing that Toushirou found it hard to stand up he motioned to walk closer, but Toushirou shouted at him.

"I said I'm coming! Don't. Come. Nearer!" he tried to sound clear and strict.

The _shadow _tilted its mask.

"_How brave of you! As if I could not eat them one after the other if I wanted to!"_

Toushirou clenched his teeth and his eyes widened.

"What… happened to you?"

"_I thought I warned you!"_

"I'm… sorry!"

"_Are you?"_

Toushirou heard his heart beating so fast inside his ears he could hear nothing else, beside the echoing growling voice of that being.

"_Go away… before I show you my real self, Hitsugaya Toushirou!_"

Toushirou, as if someone had pushed him, jumped up and with all his strength ran towards his brothers and, after he grabbed their wrists, ran away. As far away as possible until that echoing laughter stopped ringing in his ears and causing his heart to beat so fast it hurt.

He never turned his head to glance at the town in fear he'd see the transformed _shadow_ lurking behind him, with its jaws wide open smelling of death ready to gulp him and show him what real darkness was.

…

His fingers had grown numb while his toes he could not feel them anymore. The frost slowly took over his body until he felt light like a feather and his thoughts were nothing but tiny snowflakes indecisive whether to follow the force of gravity or the force of the wind…

Slowly he opened his eyelids to let some light in his view.

The blackness of his lids had become too much to bare. But the light was not much either. The sky was dressed in its darkest charcoal with a compact cloud of mist floating above him blocking any trace of sunlight. Not even the bare cherry trees were visible beside him, or the skeletal-like bushes that only months ago were filled with bright green and red leaves.

Now all was like dead, remnants of a once lively and colourful place.

But Toushirou didn't mind. He was the only one that didn't mind, as his family was cuddling beside the fireplace drinking warm tea or wine and complaining of the cold and the snow that had covered all. The boy with the once bright turquoise eyes found peace in the monotony of the snow-covered nature. The absence of sounds, the dim colours, the frost numbing him from the outside toward the inside.

Somehow it all made sense. For once a year everything was equal; no tree was taller than the other, no flower was more vividly coloured than the other, no bird sang more beautiful than the other. Everything was just another pile of snow… just like he would be, if he hadn't been snapped out of it by his aunt.

"Toushirou! You must be out of your mind! Come inside, now!" she shouted.

Toushirou shoved the snow that had piled over his forehead away and gave a weak smile at his aunt.

"Toushirou!"

"Ok, aunt Hikari! I'm coming!" he replied and sat up. His aunt's eyes met his and she shook her head with a smile. "White as snow!" she said and walked back in the house leaving the door open.

Toushirou brushed his fingers through his pure white hair and walked back into the house feeling thousands of needles piercing his legs and back.

At the entrance he shut the door, took off all of his soaked wet clothes and, wearing nothing but his underwear ran to the fireplace to get himself warm again.

Jin and Michio snickered at the sight of their half-naked brother.

"Crazy idiot! One winter you're going to freeze to death!" Jin laughed.

Toushirou stuck his tongue out and received a light slap on the back of his neck. Lifting his eyes he found his aunt behind him handing him a cup with steaming warm _sake_.

Toushirou sniffed it and narrowed his eyes.

"No way I'm drinking this crap!"

"Watch your mouth! And drink it up, now!" aunt Hikari said kneeling beside the fireplace as well. Their grandparents were sitting there as well slowly drinking and enjoying their tea.

Toushirou rolled his eyes.

"No! Why can't I drink tea as well? This is disgusting!" Toushirou complained and was about to hand the cup to his older brother, but he pushed it away with a raised brow.

"You heard aunt Hikari! Drink it! All men drink _sake_!"

"Pff!"

"Toushirou!" aunt Hikari sounded strict, but then a smile broke her serious expression. Toushirou's lips curled up and stared into the bittersweet liquid with disgust. He looked back at his aunt who had blushed with the warmth of the flames and smiled seeing those vivid colours matching the brightness of her eyes.

"Alright! Here we go!" he chuckled and with one gulp swallowed the warm liquid. He could feel it burning his tongue, esophagus and then resting in his guts. He felt like gaining energy at once and wondered if his hair had gained their colour as well. But, after glancing at his reflection at the metallic surface of the disk, saw that it had just been his imagination.

"Yeah!" Michio clapped his hands.

"Well done! You just had your first shot of _sake_!" Jin laughed and patted his back.

Toushirou gave him a killer glance and suddenly felt a disgusting taste on his tongue. He started coughing and ran to the kitchen to have some water.

There he heard his family bursting into laughter.

"It's not funny! Damm _sake_!" Toushirou cursed.

Once he had put on a fresh pair of warm clothes he sat with his family again under the soothing warmth of the fireplace which painted the living area with a vivid orange light. Outside the day had been drowned by thicker layers of snow-filled clouds making it look dark like night.

"Jin, please grab some more firewood before sundown. It's going to be a freezing night tonight!" aunt Hikari said while knitting.

"It's been freezing many nights now. This winter has no end! Ah… where's the summer?" Jin sighed stretching his legs and letting his head fall backwards to stare at the ceiling.

"Just around the corner!" aunt Hikari chuckled.

Jin exhaled loudly and lied down on the tatami floor.

"But the first snow melts like a month after Toushirou's birthday!"

"Well, Toushirou's birthday is in two days." Aunt Hikari smiled without lifting her eyes from her work.

Toushirou was staring at his open palms. "Finally." He muttered.

"Ah, you'll be ten, right?" Jin grinned. His hair had been recently cut short and the absence of those light brown bangs over his eyes made him look years older. Though Toushirou still could not get used to the fact that his skull was so visible.

"Hn!" he nodded. "And then eleven. And then twelve. And one day I'll be old enough to-!"

"Become a samurai?" Jin asked with a mischievous tone. Toushirou frowned.

"I don't want to become a samurai!"

Michio finally let go of his string with tied ends, in which game he had become the best in the village, and looked at his brother.

"Why not? I think you would be great! Especially with this strange hair!" Michio giggled.

Toushirou lowered his gaze to look into the playful flames.

"Then what do you want to become, Toushirou?" aunt Hikari asked warmly. Toushirou met her eyes and quickly looked away when his cheeks grew warm.

"Something… else!" he said in an undertone.

"What?" Jin insisted. "A blacksmith? A farmer? A teacher?"

"A monk?" Michio asked. Jin and aunt Hikari chuckled.

"No!"

"Why the mystery? Whatever you want to become should make you proud enough, so that you can fight for it in order to achieve it!" Jin said matter-of-factly.

Toushirou looked up at his brother.

"Then why didn't _you_ fight for it? To become a samurai?"

Jin smiled and rubbed his forehead.

"Nah, I'm too old now!"

"But… you went to that _dojo_ that day, didn't you?" Michio asked.

"Yeah. Last year!" Toushirou added remembering that one week Jin had spent at Hisashi-san's in the town.

Jin heaved with a sigh.

"Not everyone is meant to become a samurai!" he said simply.

"Why? You are strong and smart and-!" Michio began but Jin cut him off.

"It's not because of my strength or my brains that I didn't become a samurai. I could have, but I already had a job."

Toushirou and Michio furrowed their brows in confusion.

"What job?"

Jin shuffled Michio's hair and looked at Toushirou.

"I'm the man of the house, remember!" he laughed and started tickling his youngest brother.

Toushirou smiled watching his older brother's beautiful hazel eyes and for a split instant, the moment he blinked, he saw the image of his father on the cart pulled by a horse slowly disappearing behind the hillside…

It felt like forever since that time, when his two brothers had first appeared at his doorstep. When he had made up his mind, too young and too innocent as he was, to hate his brothers and his father…

Now he couldn't imagine a life without them. And in the back of his mind his father had become a hero, for reasons he could still not truly understand yet made sense…

And Jin looked up to his father and so wanted to become like him and take care of his family like he would if he were here.

Toushirou looked back at the fire seeing from the corners of his eyes his aunt knitting without tirelessly and his grandparents lost in their own quiet worlds.

Michio was still pinned down on the floor by his older brother laughing hysterically hitting his legs and hands. And Jin looked more handsome and strong than ever. He had become a man, something that Toushirou had been wishing since he could remember himself; so that he could protect his aunt and his grandparents and offer them a simpler and prettier life. One where his aunt was young and beautiful again, where Hisashi-san was still living next door, where he would listen to his grandmother's stories and tales until his lids grew heavy. Where he was happy simply by having such loving people around him.

Where his nights were not filled with nightmares of _shadows_ and masks covered with blood. Where he didn't feel that breathtaking shiver down his spine and where he was not so afraid each time he noticed something dark moving around him…

His life had become a constant watch of those _shadows_.

Since that day he had first gone to the town with his brothers, something he had been regretting ever since, his fear had grown more intense. And the more intense it became, the more the white strands on his head would be until his hair had turned whiter than snow.

Because of that and because of his constant stiff posture and flickering eyes that watched everything, the villagers stared at him. Some even began avoiding him. More than a couple of times he had heard the words _monster _and _freak_…

But Toushirou tried not to mind, since he thought it was much more important to keep an eye over his family since that _shadow_ had threatened him.

And that very evening, right after sundown, Toushirou's fears were proven right…

…

The boy with the turquoise eyes was unfolding his futon for the night in the room he shared with Michio. Jin had received his own room the day he had turned fourteen years old.

There was a knock on the door. Aunt Hikari's head popped inside with a grin.

"Toushirou. Ehm, can I have a word with you?"

Toushirou nodded. Aunt Hikari walked inside sliding the door shut behind her.

"What is it?"

Aunt Hikari hesitated for a moment and kneed in front of him.

"About your birthday, what do you wish for?"

Toushirou raised his brows with the sudden question.

"Like… what present I want?"

"No, no!" aunt Hikari smiled softly. "On your birthday it is always snowing. When you lie there in the snow, what do you wish for? What is it that you want most in your life?"

Toushirou opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He clenched his fists on his lap looking at the floor.

"Ehm… I… I think of many things. And… I don't know!" he chuckled and glanced at his aunt before looking back down embarrassed. Aunt Hikari chuckled. Toushirou flinched when he felt her warm palm on his cheek.

He looked up at her feeling all the kindness and the love he had once upon a time doubted. Her eyes were bright again looking deep into his and warming him up like that shot of _sake _he had earlier that day. His eyes grew warm.

"Aunt Hikari!"

"Toushirou… dear!" a tear escaped her and she quickly looked away to wipe it up.

"I'm sorry!" she chuckled and gave him that grin he loved. He hadn't seen in it such a long time he had almost forgotten it…

"I promised I wouldn't cry!" she looked at him again with dried eyes. "So… tell me what your biggest wish is?"

Toushirou sighed.

And as the words slowly formed inside his head he smiled widely at his aunt, and she at him. And for a split moment, a split second, things were like they used to be. There was no hostility and coldness between them. No guilt and no anger… just warmth and that beautiful tickling in the stomach. There was brightness in both of their gazes and true happiness in both of their smiles.

For one last time, they were sitting opposite their favourite persons, until a shiver caused Toushirou's body to freeze.

The boy gasped and his eyes widened when that familiar threat appeared above his head.

And there it was; the _shadow_ with the horned mask. Snickering down at him while sparkles lit inside the slits where eyes ought to be.

Without a second thought, Toushirou gave one last glance at his aunt and pushed her away as he stood up to block the _shadow_'s way towards her. The _shadow_ growled with fury in response and with its dark clawed hand pushed the little boy away, taking his breath out of him. The wooden wall cracked when Toushirou landed back-first and then collapsed on the floor.

In the distance he heard the scream of his aunt.

His head swirled and he couldn't think straight. His eye-vision was messed up as well.

"_Innocent little brat!_" the creature laughed with its echoing voice. Toushirou was punched once more, this time breaking a hole through the already cracked wall and landed onto something soft.

In an instant everything was dark and ice-cold. Toushirou's eyes shot open to reveal to him a dark sky and white snowflakes floating over him like distant figures dressed in white, dancing and swirling around themselves. Toushirou groaned with pain and touched his stomach. It felt too warm and sticky.

The earth moved and another scream echoed causing Toushirou to shiver.

"No! No! You… you damn _shadow_! I'm here you-!" Toushirou tried to yell, but his small body shook in spasms. He pressed against his bleeding stomach and found some comfort for a moment. His lids were too heavy and his mind was telling him to close them and sleep. Here on the snow…

But he couldn't. So he pushed himself up with his other hand and saw that _shadow_ standing next to him. It showed him its sharp teeth and punched him again.

Toushirou felt like flying forever before he fell on another cushiony pile of snow. This time it was much harder to stand up again.

He was doubled over his knees, pressuring his wound with his one hand and leaning over the other. His breathing had become unsteady and his heart was beating wildly. He glanced up at the hole in the wall of his room where a warm light radiated. He heard shouts and screams. He heard his aunt screaming his name.

They could not see the monster, nor hear it. But his aunt must have seen the hole and him flying through it. Only the thought of her expression when she would see him in this state made him lose a million heartbeats.

Toushirou clenched his teeth and groaned as the sticky liquid against his hand was growing warmer.

"Dammit!"

He looked up at the _shadow_ with difficulty. Everything was turning fast around him.

"You are… after me, right?" he asked.

The _shadow_ laughed.

"_Suicidal are you_?"

"Are you after me, dammit?" he hissed.

The _shadow_ opened its jaws in response and leaned over him, ready to eat him alive.

Toushirou threw one last glance at his home and then ran. And ran. And ran. As fast as he could. Trying to make each stride longer than the previous one so that he could be far faraway from home when the end would come. And he knew it would come. Just like he knew that Jin would take good care of his family, just like he knew that his aunt would become happy one day…

With each stride his foot would sink deeper into the snow and his breath would hiss louder and become shorter.

The liquid against his right hand had grown so warm although he was not able to feel it no more since his limbs had grown numb against the frost.

Toushirou kept glancing back over his shoulder to make sure the _shadow_ was after him and had not turned around to feed on his favourite people, but to his surprise and relief it was still there. Following him, no longer hunting him. As if it knew that his end was near and need not waste too much energy to kill him.

It calmed Toushirou a little, the thought that he had still some time to think, yet he couldn't wait for this to end. Because now it became too painful…

The boy could not count time. It felt like he had been running for only some minutes, but actually he had been running and walking and limping and running and walking for hours in the blackness of the night with snowflakes falling over him. Touching him gently and resting on his back, his shoulders and hair.

The earth was now flat and the whiteness vast. Snow everywhere. Nothing moving, no sound, no smell. Just his panting, his hissing, his blood dripping endlessly and that _shadow_ behind him, following him like a loyal pet.

Suddenly Toushirou stopped and his body swayed trying to keep balance. His turquoise eyes stared into the nothingness. He saw his aunt's beautiful smile, Jin's grown-up face, Michio's innocent grin. He saw his grandparents, silent but sweet and his father, absent but always there watching over him.

The tears that formed in his eyes faded into thin air, transforming into ice crystals and following the rhythm of the night breeze. He groaned so loud he thought he heard more people around him groaning as well, but it was only an echo.

"_When you came to that town, you were bright again! I saw the light again! And even in this darkest place, you are so bright! Brighter than I have ever seen you!"_ the _shadow _said.

Toushirou bit his lower lip not realizing he started bleeding there as well. He looked down at the dark flecks on the snow. Were they more _shadows_ forming around him…

"You were after me… since …the beginning?"

The _shadow_ laughed.

In the distance ribbons of a lighter shade of coal and blue appeared, like trails of lanterns showing him the way towards the light. He had to think hard to realize that it was only the first sunlight that tried to make it through the cloudy night sky.

Toushirou squeezed his eyes shut wishing with all his heart that he was too far away from his home for his family to find him like this. He wondered what was going on there. If Jin and Michio had realized his absence, if aunt Hikari was outside searching for him.

He imagined her hurt expression and for a long moment he couldn't feel his heart beating. Everything turned blurry and he fell down on his knees. He could no longer feel the cold. He could no longer feel the warmth of his insides… just numbness…

"Then eat me!" Toushirou sighed and finally felt another beat inside his chest. It hurt… and then everything turned numb again…

"Please… eat me!"

For a moment there was silence. Deafening silence.

Toushirou opened his eyes, the only colour in this soulless place and in his mind he made one last wish… the wish he hoped he could have told his aunt. The wish he hoped would come true… the wish that had been a steady light in his darkest hours…

To see his aunt Hikari happy for the rest of her life…

But now he would not be there to see it, still he wished it would come true… one day…

If only he hadn't gone to the town that day…

The boy with the white hair and the turquoise eyes let his last breath on that ice field. But that _shadow_ never ate him, because that was the moment it let its last breath as well under the sharp _katana_ of a Shinigami with silver hair…

…

* * *

**That was Toushirou's past! What do you think?**

**Next time we're returning back to the present in Soul Society! oh, and i promise you i won't write suuuch long chapters again- i know this was a bit too much, sorry!**

**Have a good day XD**


	34. Pride and Memories

**Good evening/day :)**

**So sorry for the long wait! it seems I'm getting slower and slower as the story moves on- but don't consider it a bad sign! This story is like a treasure to me! And so are your reviews! Thank you so much! ENJOY!**

* * *

**Part 3 – Apart like Night and Day**

**Pride and Memories**

My eyes shot open but I had to blink many times to clear the blurriness of white and blue before me. Hyourinmaru was looking back at me with a frown of worry over his ice-blue eyes and I shivered.

My shoulders trembled and I couldn't feel any strength in my thighs. I collapsed, but Hyourinmaru's firm and warm arms caught me and held me protectively offering me a warm embrace.

I had no strength to neither resist nor wrap my arms around him as well, just so I could express my gratitude to him. For being here. For revealing to me _all this_…

I simply let myself drown in this haven and I cried.

I don't remember ever crying like this before. Maybe once or twice had my eyes grown watery and maybe two or three teardrops flowed down, but those hot streams falling on my skin… I've never felt it before. Maybe I used to be incapable of crying. Maybe there was just never a reason for me to cry. And now here I was, sobbing, shaking, groaning and drooling about… I don't know why…

It just felt like it; crying until I was dry inside. Crying until I was too weak to stand up again. Until it felt proper to stand up straight and act serious again. If that time ever came.

The kimono of Hyourinmaru against my face had grown soaked wet and I caught myself gripping tight his sleeves, as if I was trying to hold onto the edge of a bottomless cliff.

Why was I feeling so desperate, so angry, so miserable, so furious, so unjustified, so… so _wrong_?

I could still feel the cold of the snow piling around my ankles, and I could perfectly well feel Hyourinmaru's warmth. I could feel the heat of my never-ending tears and I could feel my face grow warm as blood rushed through it.

A million of feelings and emotions flooded me, drowned me. Things so new to me. Things that now washed over me like torrents and gusts. Sweeping me off my feet and then tossing me down to the hard ground.

And all those memories… oh these memories…

So many people, so many feelings, so many promises that were never fulfilled…

A lump was caught in my throat and I groaned louder against Hyourinmaru's hard but warm chest. But the lump was still there, and so I groaned again, though this time it echoed more like a dog's crying howl.

The images and scenes of my previous life swirled inside my head, spinning round and round, mixed and scattered all over, but I could tell what happened when. The row of the scenes of my _living_ life…

And the faces… oh so many faces…

Jin and Michio, grandmother and grandfather… Takashima-san and Hisashi-san, my father… and my aunt… the one person I had doubted of all…

Oh how wrong and naïve I had been…

My hands could no longer hold onto Hyourinmaru. I collapsed and felt the frost of snow rushing through my _hakama_ numbing my knees and legs. Hyourinmaru kneeled with me not letting go of me. I was glad. If I were alone, perhaps I would have died by the frost…

What an irony…

In the distance I heard Hyourinmaru's calming shushing voice. Deep but peaceful, like a lullaby created by the mountains…

Imagine being alone, living on the mountains, only a jump away from the heavens. Imagine knowing nothing more than the permanent white of the misty sky and the colours of earth around you. And then, one day everything is being washed away by something liquid. Something cold. Something that rushes through your skin making your bones shiver. Something that has just changed the world you knew…

The sky is no longer white, the mist has dissipated and the colours of the earth vanished into thin air. Everything disappeared beneath the ocean. And everything is now turquoise. Like watching the world through turquoise-coloured spectacles…

Being a soul in a world where everything is made of spiritual particles, where nothing is material, I lived for more than a hundred years knowing not what it feels like to shiver with the cold, to feel calm and invigorated with the warmth of the sun on your back or the body-warmth of your companion. I knew not why people licked their lips when eating sweets or drinking _sake_. I didn't.

That is the disadvantage of being a soul with no body.

And now I knew. But it was too much and too sudden.

But at the same time I wanted to shout out a big thank you; to Hyourinmaru, to fate, to the skies, to someone for finally showing me.

Showing me that I once had felt all those things, so that I could treasure them…

"Thank you!" I mumbled, my voice broken, hoarse, trembling.

Hyourinmaru said something in response, but I couldn't understand though I felt his chest move as he breathed.

"Thank you! Thank you…!" I repeated over and over again until I could hear my normal voice again.

"Thank you!"

"With time it will make sense!" I finally heard his voice clearly. I pressed harder against him, seeking more of his warmth.

"Thank you!"

Hyourinmaru shook as he chuckled. It sounded so strange. I remembered Jin's chuckle… I _remembered_…

"It will be alright, Toushirou!"

I nodded. My eyes were still filling up each time the tears dried up. I wondered when it would stop.

"Are they… here?" I managed to ask. I knew that it was too much to ask. Taking that step right after having just been revealed of an entire life, although it had only lasted for almost ten years…

"I don't know." Hyourinmaru said after a long moment. "Would you want to search for them?"

I furrowed my brows feeling the skin on my forehead ready to rip open.

"I don't know." Is all I could muster. And then everything grew distant and hazy. I think I slowly drifted into a sleep. A peaceful one. One I hadn't in a long time. I dreamed that it all was a dream; the journey up the mountains in the far north of Soul Society, Hyourinmaru's ice chamber, the journey to my past…

I lived through it all again. Though this time I didn't die alone on that ice field, but I grew up along with my brothers. I saw them becoming men as they saw me becoming one myself. We became stronger and protected our grandparents and our beloved aunt Hikari. I remember a scene of a taller and older Michio riding a cinnamon-brown stallion and Jin chasing girls…

It all looked so normal yet so extraordinary. A life I could have.

But if I had all this, then I wouldn't have all I have here; a high-ranked position in the Gotei 13, Shinigami who trust me and look up at me, an important position in this society, and a companion whose worth and importance I only discovered recently…

At that thought I remember a warmth spreading through me, and my lips curve.

It felt like years since I last thought of that troublesome woman…

…

The next time my eyes opened up again I was looking through scattered holes glowing like fireflies. It was a filled with small leaves branch, swaying lightly over my head every now and then revealing to me a clear sky. It was the most beautiful blue. And I remembered her smiling eyes before I dozed off again…

…

Slowly I woke up again lying on something soft that rustled with my every move. It couldn't be snow. It didn't feel cold. In the distance I heard the steady rhythm of someone breathing. Deep and slow. The rhythm slowly brought me back to sleep.

And I remembered her voice in my ear… her breath on my skin… her giggle like distant little bells…

…

"_I will be waiting for you…" _she had told me, with a voice steady which could sound like determined to someone who didn't know her. But I had noticed the shattering inside of her when she had said those words. And it still feels like a thousand needles piercing through my chest.

Hours later I had called for Gato to my private rooms, as guilt ate me from the inside out. He had avoided meeting my eyes all the time. I could easily tell he was not approving my decision. But it was something I had to do…

I remember Gato's glance filled with worry and concern when I handed him that scroll I had written the night before Matsumoto would demonstrate her _bankai_ in front of the captains of the Gotei 13. The day I thought she would leave 10th Division, leave me, to become a captain herself.

"_Please give it to Matsumoto. But… not now. Not soon."_

"_When do you mean, Hitsugaya-taicho? Maybe… maybe it's better you give it to her yourself when you return, captain!"_

That was the second time Gato had met my eyes. That moment I had realized that he _knew_.

"_I… wish I could. I can't, but I need her to have it." _I told him weakly, still being shaken up from my inability to knock on the door of her private rooms right after I had announced her my decision in the White forest and she had stormed off.

"_Then I shall give it to her when she'll be ready." _I still remember the lump caught in my throat when he said those words. Just knowing the pain I had just caused her, and would for as long as I'd be away… it killed me…

"_I trust you Gato. Please keep it hidden until that time!"_

"_I will, Hitsugaya-taicho!"_

"_And… I need you to do me one more favour!"_

"_Of course, captain."_

"_I know that Matsumoto would never leave her Division. For no one. She proved it that day on the Soukyoku hill. But… I want you… I _need_ you to make it a little more easier to her. Sometimes she will need a push, something to help her go on. Something to remind her the importance of her position in the Division. I will be forever grateful to you, Gato, and I'll owe you!"_

Gato had shook his head which he had kept lowered the entire time.

"_Hitsugaya-taicho! I… I wish to speak openly!"_

"_Please."_

That's when he had finally dared to look me in the eye with furrowed brows shadowing his dark eyes.

"_I admire Hitsugaya-taicho and I admire Matsumoto-fukutaicho. She is the Shinigami that showed me another way of life in this world. She showed me what a family is, what friends are for. She offered me a home. I'm forever grateful to her, to Matsumoto-fukutaicho! And so, I… I understand why you are doing all this for her. I know you are doing this for her."_

"_Did she tell you?" _ I had asked, sounding like a little child angry for having his secret out.

"_No. But it's easy to tell by us in the 10__th__ Division who are familiar with you. I mean… you look at her and she looks at you! What I want to say is that you won't need to owe me anything. You are my captain and I will consider these favours as you say as important as my missions. It's the least I can do after all you and Matsumoto-fukutaicho have offered me! And I believe I'm speaking on behalf of all the seated and unseated officers of 10__th__ Division! Hitsugaya-taicho!"_

He had bowed formally and I remember being dumbfounded with how honest he had sounded. It was the first time someone of the lower-ranked had showed me his gratitude like this.

I had always kept a distance from my subordinates, since this was my way of running the Division. I had never learnt to work _with _someone, as I have been avoided for all my life in Rukongai. Until a specific someone showed me otherwise.

And she was the one who brought me closer to my subordinates.

Now, I've been away from Seireitei for weeks staying at the foot of the mountains away from people. And the more time I spend away from the life I have made in Seireitei, the more I think over details of experiences I have just passed by and realize my true mistakes and the importance of every single person in my life here…

Maybe it was the awakening I had been put into after being revealed of an entire life, an entire family, that I slowly discovered the true importance of everything that has happened to me since my death and my arrival in Soul Society. I didn't want to go wrong again… not like the way I had with my father and my aunt…

I didn't want to take anyone and anything for granted anymore.

Back then, in the Human world of centuries ago, I had been a little spoiled kid who acted selfishly. Everything that didn't fit in the little and nonchalant life I had known, I had to shove it away. First my brothers, then my father, and then my aunt for speaking her mind and protecting and supporting someone else than me.

I had been spoiled and I had been selfish. And so, seeing the person I cared about the most suddenly offering her love and affection to someone else ruined me and destroyed me.

The only one to blame had been me and only me. As a result, the only thing I actually feel proud of myself is the last decision I made in this short life; to draw that Hollow away from them and let them live a happy and safe life without the bad influence of my younger self…

As bitter as it sounds, it feels now that my death was their chance of a new beginning.

They loved me. I knew that. And I loved them. But my actions were those of a selfish brat. And now I see that even in the afterlife I continued acting like one.

It was not my snow-white hair and my icy gaze that drew the people around me away. It was my character. My tendency to keep them away because _I_ was afraid of them, _I_ was scared to get to know them and _I _was the one who didn't want anyone to step into my life…

Once, my _reiatsu_ had been bright causing the Hollows that were drawn to me to never attack. I guess I used to have a warm_ reiatsu_ that somehow calmed those usually vicious and aggressive creatures. Until _I_ changed, and so did my _reiatsu_.

…

"Winter is approaching. We will head southward."

I moved half asleep- half awake.

"There is some suspicious activity going on in the village to the south of the mountains. I heard rumours of Menos Grande even causing panic!" I heard the unfamiliar voice of a man saying.

I squeezed my eyes to clear the blurriness. My back felt like wrapped on a tree trunk and my limbs stiff.

"So I suggest you avoid it."

"Thank you for the information, Shinigami!" this was Hyourinmaru. This time I managed to look up. It was dark and the ground on which I was lying hard and gravelly.

"Still, I think… I think your master should seek help. It is not wise to stay alone in the wilderness. You never know what kind of Hollows will come. They prefer the wilderness where they'll less likely to face any obstacles." The man said with clear hesitation, as if regretting of speaking this way to a higher-up.

I decided not to sit up, in case that unknown Shinigami would start asking questions. For a split second I felt glad for not having my _haori_ on. It would be anything but common seeing a captain of the Gotei 13 sleeping on a mountain…

"Please excuse us!" Hyourinmaru's voice was stern and I thought I heard the flinch in the Shinigami's movements. "And thank you." Hyourinmaru added and then I heard footsteps fading away.

After some safe moments I sat up searching for Hyourinmaru. I was in a small cave with a round entrance hidden by wild bushes. A shadow appeared and the bushes were pushed aside to reveal the big silhouette of the Zanpakuto's soul.

"Toushirou." He crawled over to me, unable to walk straight in the small cave.

I tried to look outside but all I saw were more rocks and bushes.

"Who was that?"

"Naoya Haku. A Shinigami who was heading to assist a village at the south foot of the mountains."

"Where Menos Grande appeared?" I frowned. Hollows were a common sight in Soul Society, especially in small villages far away from Seireitei's reach. But Menos Grande… it was a worrisome case.

"That's what he said." Hyourinmaru's eyes looked away. "I did sense some strange _reiatsu_ on our way down the mountain."

I stretched my arms feeling like a log. I felt Hyourinmaru's eyes observing me.

"How long have I been sleeping?"

"Long."

I chuckled brushing my fingers through my white hair.

"How long is long?"

I met Hyourinmaru's eyes and noticed a glimpse of a frown on his forehead. I quickly looked away pressing my lips together.

"Did that Shinigami know who I was?"

Hyourinmaru shook his head.

"Good." I whispered to myself.

I saw through the corners of my eyes Hyourinmaru moving uncomfortably beside me.

"You should eat something. You must feel weak."

"Thank you for taking care of me, Hyourinmaru!" I told him. "Thank you for everything. If you want you can go back now. All I needed to know… I know it now!" I sighed feeling that lump in my throat again. "Thank you for protecting those… those memories!"

"Of course. But… I can stay more if you wish it!" his voice softened. I suppressed a smile as I glanced at him.

"It's ok. I know it is energy-consuming to keep this form."

Hyourinmaru looked at me and his lips curved.

"Will you go back now?" he asked causing me to miss a heartbeat.

My lips opened but no words came out.

Go back… back to Seireitei…

When I blinked I saw long locks made of gold behind my eyelids flowing like ribbons of silk between my fingers, and the edge of a pink sash disappearing in a fog in the night. The warmth returned inside of me as I remembered that night at the hot springs… my lieutenant, a nymph floating in the water as if it's her home…

"I will." I said, knowing that I hadn't sounded much convincing and decisive. But Hyourinmaru didn't comment. Instead he insisted on staying for a longer time with me, until I would go back, but I persuaded him otherwise.

We were standing outside the small cave he had found as I thanked him for the hundredth time, though still it didn't feel like enough. The way he was looking at me made me feel uncomfortable. He looked worried, as if he could see through me and read the decision I had made inside my head, even if I myself was not sure yet.

But he didn't criticize, nor tried to talk me into returning to Seireitei.

He just gave me a warm smile, a squeeze on my shoulder and faded away, a cloud of snowflakes and light purple petals floating in the air before disappearing back to my inner world; Hyourinmaru's world…

I heaved with a sigh and felt the rushing energy flow of Hyourinmaru inside my Zanpakuto hanging from the green sash over my shoulder.

…

When the sun had reached its highest peak I departed southward, following those flickering traces of intense _reiatsu_ that proved the existence of Hollows and Menos Grande just as that Shinigami had mentioned to Hyourinmaru.

Somehow I felt lighter as I ran in normal speed.

With the wind blowing from the snow-covered mountains, it put wings on my feet and shoved white bangs of hair over my eyes. I thought of the times I ran through blossomed fields and oceans of wildflowers with Jin and Michio, imagining of becoming wild eagles ready to soar off into the vast sky with no destination but the unknown.

Even though these traces of hostile _reiatsu_ in the air ought to awaken my sense of duty and responsibility, as they usually did, I couldn't stop that grin fighting to emerge on my lips since I could not stop those memories of popping up.

And they were all so fresh I wanted to remember each one of them again and again. Especially the happy ones.

Watching aunt Hikari working in the fields and the wind blowing her conical hat away causing her long hair to become a jet black raven set free. Michio riding Hisashi-san's favourite horse and Jin's serious expression on his face and his firm posture that would make him look years older.

Little moments of people I didn't use to know, but now out of the blue had become an entire new world inside of me. Like Hyourinmaru's world. Like the world of the life I had here: grandmother and Hinamori, our life in Junrinan district, and my life in Seireitei. And all these different people and souls were connected through me…

I halted and leaned my palms on my knees glancing over my shoulder at the mountains, their peaks hidden in white clouds.

This time I could no longer suppress that smile emerging and so I smiled at the mountains, and then I knew that all I needed to know for the moment, I had found it out.

I didn't want the people who were waiting for me to wait any longer…

And so I made the decision to return home after I would help out extinguishing the threat of Hollows and Menos Grande at the village.

But it seemed fate had other plans for me…

…

The village reminded me of Kusajishi district, the poorest part of Rukongai.

No walls offered protection to the village and the homes were made of old and eaten by mold wood, while the roofs were built of straw. Even the people themselves seemed to have gone through the hardest conditions, just like the earth on this forsaken place at the foot of the northern mountains.

I wondered if it was the infertile land and the weather conditions that made this village and these souls look so weak and fragile, or if the impact of attacks by Hollows and Menos Grande was greater than I had expected.

As I followed a dirt road, some heads popped out from the fields to look at me. I noticed that many parts of the fields were burnt away.

As I observed the pitiful souls I guessed I would see relief and some kind of respect and politeness in their expressions, but they simply stared at me with eyelids too tired to look further up and shoulders hunched as if carrying the entire world's weight.

I halted when I passed by a couple and was about to ask them where the Shinigami of this village were, but the moment our eyes met, the man at once grabbed the woman's arm and was about to run away if I had not flash-stepped in front of them.

Their eyes were wide open flickering inside their eye-sockets as if I was a Hollow myself.

"I'm a Shinigami of the Gotei 13, you don't need to fear me!"

The man pushed the woman behind him protectively while his eyes seemed to be searching for help.

I also noticed the dirt roads of the village to be empty.

"What happened here?" I asked scanning a quick round.

Suddenly the man fell on his knees, pulling the woman beside him. They both bowed formally touching their arms and foreheads on the ground.

My lips parted at the sudden reaction.

"Please save us! Take our lives to save us! We beg you, Shinigami!"

My brows furrowed.

"And why should I do that?" my voice turned cold at once with the disrespect they showed me. Taking someone else's life…

"Please, Shinigami-sama!"

Suddenly I felt the urge to kick them in their faces to bring some sense back into their heads, when I felt the faint _reiatsu_ of more souls appearing from the surrounding houses. More souls with eyes filled with fear and terror slowly started to gather around me.

The moment I realized that they were all about to kneel down and beg just like that couple had I spoke loudly, my voice back into its strict and hoarse tone.

"Before any of you touch the ground, tell me where the Shinigami assigned on this village are? Why can't I feel any decent _reiatsu_ here?"

Some had already kneeled and then quickly stood up again when I glared at them. The man who had kneeled first raised his head a little, though his eyes did not dare meet mine.

"There are no Shinigami here. Not… anymore." his voice shook. He glanced at the woman beside him. I guessed it was his wife.

"And why's that?" I asked coldly.

"We… I… I saw those _monsters_. They had gathered at the square of the village. There were two. They attacked three children." I noticed some people flinch and others hide their faces behind their palms. In such a small village, they all must have known everyone. "And the next day, there were more. They attacked again! Oh, Taku!" his voice broke and he lowered his face again breaking into tears. The wife grabbed his hand.

I looked at the other souls gathered around me.

Just like that Shinigami had told Hyourinmaru, Hollows tend to attack weaker places far from Seireitei's reach. Though Shinigami were assigned all over Soul Society, I found it hard to believe that a Shinigami could have been defeated so easily by lowly Hollows. Of course if there were indeed Menos Grande in the area, that would make it a matter for the Gotei 13 to handle.

But I could feel no strong _reiatsu_. Not even hostile _reiatsu_.

At the moment everything seemed quiet. But as I looked around at the souls around me, I knew that they were waiting for their turn.

"How long is it since this began?" I asked.

A young man from the crowd replied.

"It's been four days since the attack at the square."

"And were there Menos Grande?"

"If you mean the huge shadows that spit fireballs that can blow an entire hill up, then yeah. There have!" the same man replied.

I kept my eyes a while longer on him. He lacked that pitiful aura everybody else had. Perhaps he was a soul that had newly arrived in Soul Society.

"When was the last time they were here?"

"Last night. Two of them, at the south of the village!" he said pointing opposite of the mountains from where I had come from.

"Take me there!"

"_Hai_!"

The young man approached me and I looked over at the crowd.

"This matter will have definitely reached Seireitei. Assistance will be provided any minute now so there's no need to worry. I shall help until they arrive!" I told them and noticed at once some sparkle of hope in their eyes.

The couple that was still kneeled before me muttered many thank yous, and I followed the young man towards the south.

The hills were dyed a deep brown with grey ribbons of ashes proving that a fire had wiped out every living thing on them. There were deep holes in the ground, the result of the Menos Grande's _cero_. When I turned to the north I noticed more dark holes all over the vast fields. I even noticed burnt roofs and piles of burnt woods.

"How many villagers have died?" I asked trying to estimate where the battles between the Shinigami and the Menos Grande had taken place.

"I don't know. I reckon… half the village?"

I looked at him. He chuckled shoving his jet black strands from his eyes.

"I've been here for a month now. So I'm not that familiar with everyone yet. But I knew some of them. They were good lads!"

"Did you know the Shinigami that was in charge of this village?" I asked, my voice sounding slightly softer.

The man's face reminded me of Hisashi-san: elegant features and beautiful proportions, though with a strong air and a steady gaze, as if they knew not what fear was like.

"Yeah, his name was Tachibana-san. He was surrounded by Menos Grande. He never managed to escape the five fireballs. I never found a single trace of him, not even his _katana_! I mean, how can a _katana_ turn to ashes?" he chuckled again rubbing his brows. "But then again… nothing makes sense in this world, right? Like… I've never felt hungry once since I came here!"

We stayed silent as we gazed at the small village with the burnt roofs and the fields around it that looked like a minefield.

I felt Hyourinmaru's steady and calm energy radiating through me and I furrowed my brows wondering how long it's been since I last drew my _katana_.

…

Days had passed and I had not encountered a single Menos Grande. Only a pair of snake-like Hollows had appeared in the north, which I had defeated in no-time.

At first I was quite worried. I stayed up all night jumping from roof to roof to keep an eye on the villagers who had survived and trying to keep my senses alert of any faint trace of hostile _reiatsu_. But there was none. And during the day I would observe the villagers going on with their lives, rebuilding their homes, harvesting the last remaining crops for the winter for the few souls that probably felt some kind of hunger.

Having no body does not only mean lack of emotions like cold and hot, but also lack of the need to eat and, for some, to sleep. Only those souls with a great spiritual energy continue having these luxuries. And those souls usually become Shinigami.

But in these remote villages, most of the time these souls that feel hunger and fatigue die alone, unless there is a Shinigami nearby who will sense their strong _reiatsu_ and guide them to Seireitei and the Academy. Like Matsumoto had for me…

For those of us who ended up in Seireitei out of all places in Soul Society after death, we are the lucky ones…

The young man who had showed me around in the village, Fujiki, possessed many attributes of such a soul. But according to him, he felt no hunger. In addition I could feel no strong _reiatsu_ escaping him. Still I tried to keep an eye him.

It had already been weeks and there was no sign of Seireitei's Shinigami and, so, was ready to announce my departure. But as I flash-stepped to the square, which had been successfully rebuilt, all my senses froze as I felt that _reiatsu_ I've been anticipating.

It was ice-cold, itching and clearly hostile. And it was much more powerful than a Hollow's.

I stopped dead in my tracks to try and orientate the source of that _reiatsu_. I heard screams of surprise and pain, the result of such a strong and possessive _reiatsu_ over the weak souls.

At once I headed northwards.

There I saw the dark like the night gigantic forms of a herd of Menos Grande appearing from a huge rip in the sky.

I frowned and my hand moved instinctively up at my Zanpakuto's handle.

I tried to calculate the number of those beasts with the identical white masks and elongated noses, while white skeletal spikes emerged like a ring around their necks. There had to be more than a dozen. But more floated out from the abyssal rip in the sky, the portal they had created to move from the Hollow world into Soul Society.

Hyourinmaru's energy flow increased as if he had sensed the emergency and knew that I had no choice but to summon him.

I scanned a quick round to make sure none of the villagers was around. Though I heard screams there seemed to be no one in the danger zone. But the Menos Grande had turned their heads simultaneously towards the village and had started moving when I rushed towards them with my Zanpakuto tight in my both fists.

Echoing screeches turned me deaf for a long moment. I groaned and let my spiritual flow increase vertically. Light blue light enshrouded me and drew the Menos Grande's attention.

"_Souten ni tsase, Hyourinmaru!_"

I raised my Zanpakuto above my head and the sky turned darker as storm clouds swirled above me.

The herd of Menos Grande stopped moving when they came face to face with a huge ice dragon with crimson eyes. Hyourinmaru growled at the heavens with sharp jaws and a glistening body that created a spiral under the thundering clouds.

The Menos Grande screeched and the villagers gasped with terror and awe.

Without second thought I slashed the _katana,_ which now had an additional long metallic chain hanging from the handle with a crescent-shaped blade at the end, and Hyourinmaru soared towards the screeching Menos Grande.

The beasts that were standing in the front row turned to ice before turning into millions of particles and disappearing. The ones behind raised their heads and it felt like the air was being sucked as they summoned spiritual energy from the thundering atmosphere to create their _cero_.

Small spheres of red light appeared in front of their mouths and gradually turned bigger.

I had no time to waste.

With another slash the ice dragon split into multiple ones and each one headed towards one of the Menos Grande that had began to create their _cero_. Fortunately, the many ice dragon heads attacked the majority of the Menos Grande that were ready to spit their _cero_ in time, causing them to fade into thin air.

But I couldn't help a groan of anxiety as I watched more Menos Grande walking out of that portal.

So, I started flash-stepping all around the herd of Menos Grande guiding the many ice dragons around slashing and freezing them until they disappeared. When, suddenly, I felt the air moving dangerously behind me, I managed to avoid a _cero_ landing on my back the last minute.

I dodged and swirled my Zanpakuto above my head for the crescent-shaped blade to cut the mask of that creature in two. The Menos Grande screeched and disappeared.

"Dammit!"

More and more came out of that portal, and some even had left the herd heading towards the village.

I cursed again. If I didn't shut that portal, it would be a lost case with many casualties, including myself. But at the same time I knew that if I reached _bankai_ level the weak souls of this village would die of the overexertion of the spiritual energy in the atmosphere.

It's not the first time I curse myself for being such an amateur in battle, when it comes to _bankai_ level. Truth is I'm too unstable in the ultimate level, and so try to avoid using it.

I landed on the ground observing the Menos Grande surrounding me, while another group headed towards the village. I heard screams.

My jaws clenched and I raised my Zanpakuto over my head moving it round and round in both my hands so that the chain with the crescent-shaped blade moved so fast it created a tornado. The air started moving along with it and everything turned ice-cold. I noticed it by the closest Menos Grande whose white feet stopped and froze before me.

They were so tall they hid the sky above me, but the swirling chain with the blade kept them at a distance from me. The light around me grew brighter and the chain grew longer and longer causing the beasts to step back.

And when my body was burning with the excessive power, I jumped high in the sky and slashed the Menos Grande away. More screeches tore the air. It was as if the air itself was shaking with the _reiatsu_ coming from both the Menos Grande and me. And I knew this was no good sign.

I used the blade to attack more and more, but when the number of _cero_ landing around the village and me increased, I knew I was losing control of the situation.

Fatigue started taking over me. I knew not how long I was rushing around, slashing and cutting and freezing things. All I knew was that the number of Menos Grande didn't seem to decline and that I could not use _bankai_ level so close to the village.

But Hyourinmaru, in the form of multiple ice dragons, kept fighting.

And so I had to keep fighting as well.

The moment I cut the mask of a Menos Grande in half, another one appeared from behind it and all I had time to see was a big red glowing sphere flying towards me in great speed.

My lips parted and my eyes shot wide open.

"_Chire, Senbonzakura!_"

…


	35. My Lieutenant

**Part 3 – Apart Like Night and Day**

**My Lieutenant…**

"_Chire, Senbonzakura!_" I heard a deep voice say and out of the blue the air was filled with glowing cherry-blossom petals, sharp like the tip of a _katana_.

Kuchiki Byakuya appeared before me, appearing out of thin air, with his white _haori_ and silk scarf dancing around him as if they obeyed him just like his Zanpakuto.

The 6th Division's captain moved the handle of his blade in his hand quickly and the cloud of sharp cherry-blossom petals moved along blocking the soaring _cero_ before it landed on us. The petals pierced the red flashing sphere and caused it to disappear.

The Menos Grande screeched with fury and attempted to attack Kuchiki, but the beast was too big and slow to match the _Shunpo_-master of Seireitei.

I was watching dumbfounded at the black-haired noble rushing around with the cloud of sharp petals cutting through everything it encountered. But I was woken up from the doze when I heard another familiar voice and saw more black-dressed figures flash-stepping around.

"_Hoerou, Zabimaru!_"

Abarai Renji released his Zanpakuto's _shikai_ level moving his left palm over the blade as it turned bigger and wider glowing a bright red. His Zanpakuto parted into multiple segments which made the blade even longer moving around like a whip.

The 6th Division's lieutenant was grinning widely as if enjoying participating in the battle.

I looked down at my own Zanpakuto which was covered in ice reflecting the little light that made it through the storm clouds my spiritual energy had created.

I was panting, but just because help had finally come didn't mean I had time to rest. The portal was still open. And so I glanced at Kuchiki and Abarai, receiving quick but approving glances from them and headed towards the portal.

Along the way I let my body fill up with energy, enshrouding me with a light blue glow, and attacked the Menos Grande I encountered. Hyourinmaru growled with excitement.

When I reached the portal, I felt slightly weaker. The cold and hostile air radiating from the Hollow world caused my skin to shiver.

I clenched my teeth and raised my _katana_ above my head letting my _reiatsu_ increase as much as I could, keeping in mind the weak souls of the village.

Hyourinmaru burnt in my hands and the sky darkened so much day turned into night and my _reiatsu_ was the only light.

"_Hyourinmaru!_"

Blizzards fell like comets from the stormy sky and soared towards the open portal piercing through the Menos Grande that were lingering at the portal to enter Soul Society and causing them to either disappear or step back with screeches of pain.

And more blizzards landed into the other world breaking the stability of spiritual energy that kept that portal open.

It was the same way I had closed that portal between Karakura and the _Trash_ world in the Human world. Only now I had not Matsumoto by my side…

The thought lingered long in my mind, but still tried to keep my spiritual energy stable as I forced it towards the portal that started to shrink. The Menos Grande on the other side screeched loud moving their long fingers as if trying to grab hold of the ends of the rip in the sky to keep it open.

But they failed.

When the rip was utterly shut, the ice around my Zanpakuto melted away and so did the blizzards that were still flowing from the storm clouds, turning into raindrops.

I landed on the ground and fell on my knees, my chest burning from the panting.

But from all around me I could still hear the remaining Menos Grande moving around in confusion and screeching. But in no-time, Kuchiki, Abarai and the other Shinigami defeated them.

I tried to stand up, but it hurt.

I limped towards the village where slowly the villagers appeared, having noticed that the battle had come to an end. Fujiki was among them, his eyes on me.

I didn't sheath my_ katana_, in fear anytime another Menos Grande or Hollow would appear out of nowhere.

"Hitsugaya-san!" Fujiki rushed over to me and offered me a hand to keep me from collapsing. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

I heard murmurs from the crowd of villagers and some muttered thank yous looking at me. I nodded in response. But the murmurs ceased and I saw over my shoulder Kuchiki approaching holding his unconscious red-haired lieutenant in his arms.

I gasped.

"Kuchiki!" I walked towards them with Fujiki insisting on holding me.

The tall noble was looking at me through half-lidded eyes, his uniform and _haori_ intact as if he had never taken part in the fight. Behind him stood two Shinigami with normal uniforms and four dressed in the uniform of the Black Corps of the 2nd Division.

"Hitsugaya!" he said coldly in an undertone and I froze when I saw a glimpse of disapproval in his gaze. But before I had more time to digest it, he walked past me to the villagers who moved away to form a path for them them.

"Shinigami-sama!"

"Thank you, Shinigami-sama!" the crowd muttered bowing formally in front of Kuchiki. It seemed everyone could tell the difference between the status of Kuchiki and the rest of the Shinigami present.

"I need a shelter for the night. My subordinate is severely injured." Kuchiki said. An older man from the crowd showed him to his house, which was one of the few that had not been hit by the numerous _ceros_ of the Menos Grande.

Kuchiki did not even glance at me as he followed the little man with Abarai hanging in his arms.

"Is that man a captain?" Fujiki whispered. I almost flinched having forgotten him standing beside me still holding me with one arm. I moved away.

"Yes." I replied and the other Shinigami appeared next to me with frowns of worry and many signs of fatigue on them.

"Hitsugaya-taicho!" one of them gasped. When he said the honorific Fujiki flinched beside me widening his eyes. He looked at me.

"_Taicho_?"

I tried not to pay attention to him, instead looked at the two Shinigami who were staring at me. And then I realized that they knew of me leaving Seireitei and leaving an entire Division behind.

"What are you doing here?" the one dared to ask.

I avoided his gaze and crossed my arms on my chest.

"I felt the commotion going on here and came to assist. But where were you all this time?" I asked, turning my voice in its usual cold and hoarse tone.

The two Shinigami flinched.

"Ehm…!"

"Well, two weeks ago there was this captains' meeting where the Captain-Comma-!" the Shinigami paused and looked at the dumbfounded Fujiki. I glared at him and ordered him to leave us in privacy. Fujiki hesitated but then left glancing over his shoulder every now and then before disappearing behind an alley.

I could still feel his faint _reiatsu_ so I guided the two Shinigami away to find Kuchiki and Abarai.

Abarai was lying on a futon on the wooden floor of the small and humble house of that old man. Kuchiki had nicely bandaged Abarai's torso which seemed to have been burnt, probably by a _cero_. I frowned at the sight.

The old man appeared after some minutes holding a tray with wooden cups with warm tea. The flavor was faint and bitter, but it was all I needed at that moment.

When Kuchiki was done attending his lieutenant's wounds he stood up smoothly and gave me the same look he had given me previously.

"Yukino, I need you to stay with Abarai. Ogata, take care of the villagers and investigate that portal up the hill." The two Shinigami nodded. Kuchiki calmly walked out of the house and I followed him.

Outside the dark clouds had become much thinner, but the sun was already setting making the light dimmer.

I remembered feeling this way when aunt Hikari would have seen me do something naughty, something she wouldn't have approved. It felt the same way now. Though I was not entirely sure why; because I, a captain of the Gotei 13, was incapable of taking care of a herd of Menos Grande. Because I had left Seireitei and had not contacted in a time which felt like years, or because everyone knew why I had left and knew the pain I had caused to my lieutenant…

I sighed silently as I followed Kuchiki along the dirt roads of the village being stared from hidden people and felt a grip in my guts with the image of Kuchiki holding his unconscious lieutenant in his arms.

It made me think of my lieutenant and the fact that I had left her behind tossing the responsibility of an entire Division in her hands. And, on top of that, had broken her heart.

How many times have I rewinded that image of hers with the daffodils caressing her slender ankles and the white petals of the trees falling like snow over her golden locks. How many times have I made myself hear that shattering when she said those brave words to me… that she would be waiting for me…

I'm far away from her, unable and incapable of providing her what she deserves to have.

I brushed a palm over my face and realized that we had reached the bare hill that I had crossed over when I had climbed down that mountain.

I bit the inside of my cheek when I heard Kuchiki in front of me speak, his back turned towards me.

"I heard from Yamamoto-sotaicho that you had left."

His voice was stable and emotionless, but still it felt like he was scolding me, disapproving me. I kept my head lowered, my eyes drilling through the gravels beneath my feet.

"Knowing that it is none of my business and honestly not of my interest either, I shall not ask why you made that decision. But as a fellow captain, observer and participant of everything that's happening in Seireitei I have to inform you that your absence has caused many rumours to float around. Unpleasant ones that could damage the 10th Division."

I finally looked up at him meeting his metal-grey eyes. I still wondered what he was thinking, but his words echoed in my ears.

"Unpleasant… rumours?" I repeated to myself.

Kuchiki nodded.

"Were you heading back when we found you fighting those Menos Grande?" he asked, still not showing a single trace of emotion, neither in his voice nor on his face.

"Yes." I said bitterly. "What unpleasant rumours?"

Kuchiki looked away.

"A Division without a captain is like a field under a cloudy sky. Although the sun is there, hidden behind the clouds, the flowers won't be able to bloom unless they see the sun." he looked at me and furrowed his brows. "However strong a Division is, without the captain they will someday forget the importance of him. It's the captain that holds a Division together, because the Division is still a group of people with no other bond between them."

His eyes stayed longer on mine and the thought crossed my mind that even Kuchiki _knew_. Just like Gato knew, and, according to the latter, the rest of the seated officers of 10th Division knew.

My heart was drumming in my chest and I lowered my gaze.

"In the 10th Division's case, the sun is none other than Matsumoto. In our case, it's the lieutenant that keeps the Division together!" I said and let the weak smile appear on my lips.

"And you think she's motivated enough to keep doing this job forever?"

I frowned. Kuchiki glanced at me and fixed the silky scarf around his neck which was dancing around with the wind.

"Please consider returning soon, Hitsugaya. Or it might be too late and you'll return to find a broken Division."

My lips parted and my fists clenched.

"What are you talking about? What happened?" I asked in a whisper.

"I'm talking about a captain's duty, which you are ignoring with your selfish actions!" Kuchiki's voice did not raise a single octave, but still the way he spoke made me keep myself restraint.

"I am well aware of my duties! But I also trust my subordinates! I know they can manage without me and, besides, I never said that I would never come back!"

"Yet you never said that you _would _come back!"

My eyes widened for a glimpse of a second and I approached the noble who was staring at me.

"What are you speaking of? What are you hiding from me?" I growled.

Kuchiki stayed silent.

I was about to repeat my words but instead faced Kuchiki's palm and I froze with the disrespectful gesture.

"At first light I will be returning to Seireitei. The Black Corps will take care of the situation here and Yukino and Ogata are the new Shinigami assigned for this village. You, Hitsugaya, will be coming back with me!" he said and started walking away.

I bit my lower lip.

"You didn't answer my questions, Kuchiki!"

This time the man's glance was ice-cold.

"You act like that idiot lieutenant of mine who rushed without thinking over his actions. And now he lies unconscious because of two _ceros_ that landed flat on his chest! You make decisions on your own without taking nothing and nobody else into consideration. Do not forget your position, Hitsugaya! You are not only a captain of 10th Division, you are also a captain of Soul Society!"

And with that he disappeared with flash-steps leaving behind nothing but the bitterness and sharpness of his words in my chest.

I touched my chin on my collarbone and sighed angrily.

I had no idea how long I was away from home. Weeks, maybe months. But, just like that time ago I had been afraid of leaving Seireitei knowing that I was going on a journey to confront my past, now I was afraid of returning back…

…

As a result, I acted out of cowardice.

I never met up with Kuchiki and the injured and still unconscious Abarai at the south of the village the next break of dawn. Instead I had disappeared into the night, like a shadow, up the mountains seeking for a refuge. Somewhere where it was dead-silent and soulless. Somewhere where I'd feel comfortable.

The winter was approaching and so I encountered thick snow much earlier on the mountain. But it did not stop me from climbing higher and higher.

I hated myself for letting Kuchiki's words hurt me and affect me that much.

I knew perfectly well how much my departure had hurt Matsumoto, but I had never considered that it might have such a great impact on the Gotei 13. I tried to guess what kind of _unpleasant rumours _ Kuchiki had been talking about, but the more I thought about it the more it ached deep inside of me.

And with each new thought, I'd see that deep sadness in her grayish-blue eyes. And the source of that pain and sadness was me…

The scenery around me reminded me of that night I had been running from that Hollow, that _monster_. Running away from a happy life, running away from confronting reality and running away from my fate.

Or had I been running _towards_ my fate…

I shook my head and fell on my knees listening to the crunching of the fresh thick snow beneath me.

In this familiar frost and silence I let my mind wander away, into those distant memories of my childhood. But the realization that now I was running away from reality and my life in Soul Society did not awaken a single sense of duty or obligation.

I simply hated myself…

…

I could hear her breathing, slowly and deeply as if fighting to keep her calm. The sound caused me the goose bumps, but at the same time I was biting my lower lip and clenching my hand around that scroll trying to find the courage to knock on the sliding door.

But I couldn't.

Every time I blinked I would see her standing so close to me yet so far away in that field of daffodils in the White forest. Her eyes ready to fill up with tears, her lips trembling slightly, and her fists tensed.

"_Hitsugaya-taicho… I _will_ be waiting for you!_" she had said and then ran away as if being chased.

Her heart had been broken… by me…

I sighed standing there by the sliding door only a few footsteps away from her. Her _reiatsu_ was intense warming up all my senses, awakening desires I too often fought to suppress since we… since she became something more than just my lieutenant…

But at the same time I could not stop having thoughts over Hyourinmaru's offer; to reveal to me the memories he hold of my past, my _previous_ life.

I was tempted. I _wanted_ to know more than anything. The image of those two boys who were probably my brothers… I _had_ to know…

Life was filled with sacrifices. I was aware of that.

But I also knew that there was no point in regretting on regrets.

I had to make this journey, and if I didn't I would definitely regret it. But right now I regretted for even uttering those words to Matsumoto.

I wish I was brave like her…

I leaned over the wall, fighting to keep my eyes dry while the night was beautiful and the cicadas were singing to the stars.

I wished I could say properly goodbye to her and promise her that I would be back. That she'd have to endure this for a short time. That I would be back and express to her the true importance she held in my heart.

For the first time I felt such a need to express to someone how much I needed them.

But I was weak, a coward.

And I knew that I would hate myself for the rest of my life for never knocking on that door and never giving her that scroll face to face. But I did…

…

It was snowing heavily.

The sky was hidden behind light-grey clouds that floated endlessly over the peaks of the mountains and the snow was piling and piling over the steep cliffs until the weight would become too heavy and create an avalanche.

I was just an observer of this routine. Only me, the snow and the sound of the howling wind, as if the mountain itself was crying to the heavens.

The absence of any living thing calmed me, until I felt the faint presence of some _reiatsu_. At first I stiffened and focused all my senses. My fingers even wrapped the handle of my _katana_.

But it was none other than Fujiki. He was dragging his feet over the thick snow, wrapped with a thick cloak and wearing socks with holes under his sandals.

I gasped at the sudden and unexpected visit.

"What are you doing here?" I shouted over the wind to be heard. Fujiki revealed his face from under the hood and grinned. I fought the urge to slap him.

"You idiot!" I muttered.

"Finally, I found you Hitsugaya-san! Or taicho, or whatever!"

"Go back to your village! You're lucky that no Hollow attacked you yet!" I said coldly and walked back inside the cave where I had found shelter.

Fujiki followed and took off his cloak which was covered with snowflakes.

"It's not my village! I'm heading north. They say there is a very beautiful town there. And a lake and a forest of pines!" I watched him as he took off his sandals and socks to let them dry out.

"And why on earth would you travel in the winter through the mountains? Are you acting like an idiot or do you have a death-wish?"

We sat down and I placed my sheathed Zanpakuto beside me. I noticed Fujiki's eyes staring at it with awe.

"I always wanted to tell you that you carry a nice sword!" he grinned.

"It's a _katana_!" I corrected him.

"But it's too big."

"Still it's a _katana_." I crossed my arms on my chest keeping my eyelids shut.

Fujiki was silent for some moments, though I could easily feel his unsettling aura. He was the type that could not stay still and quiet for too long.

"Why are _you_ here on the mountain in the winter?" he asked.

I clicked my tongue.

"You are being rude!"

"I'm just curious. That captain seemed to be much ruder!" Fujiki leaned his elbows on his knees and brushed a palm over his face.

I opened my eyes and met his.

"I guess they left then?"

"Yap. They did." Fujiki rubbed his chin and chuckled. "You really know how to fight! I've never seen anything like this before!"

I smirked.

"And that was just _shikai_ level!"

Fujiki frowned. As a result I ended up explaining to him the levels of releasing one's spiritual energy through their Zanpakuto. He was listening with parted lips and excitement.

When I was finished he raised his brows.

"And yours has also a name?"

"Yes. Hyourinmaru." I replied simply.

"Hyourinmaru!" Fujiki mumbled.

"Each Shinigami's Zanpakuto has a different name and different abilities. For example mine possesses the nature of ice. My lieutenant's possesses the nature of fire." I explained.

Fujiki chuckled.

"So… you have a lieutenant! All captains have a lieutenant?"

"Of course."

"And where is yours?"

My lips parted at that question and I looked away trying to hide my nervousness.

Fujiki must have noticed because he apologized.

"She is back home. She takes care of the Division… while I'm away!"

Fujiki furrowed his brows.

"Ok. And why… why don't you go back? Are you on a mission here or something?"

"Something like that."

"And what's that mission?"

For some reason I did not want to slap him anymore for being so rude and asking too many questions. If it had been anyone else, I knew I would have lost my patience long ago. But being asked those questions by a stranger, it felt like the perfect punishment for me to finally come face to face with them; the questions I tried to avoid.

"Something I've been waiting for a long time. Something I had not the chance to face before and, when the opportunity came, I… I had to grab it. But…" I sighed and lowered my head. "… but now I'm afraid to go back."

"And why's that?"

When I looked up at the young man with the black strands over his eyes I wondered if it was indeed Hisashi-san. Maybe Hisashi-san would have been much more polite, but he would know when something was troubling me and he would find a way to make me face it.

Just like he had when my father and my two brothers had intruded in my life with my aunt and grandparents.

"I shouldn't have left in the first place." I muttered after long moments of silence.

"But you said you had been waiting this for a long time. So, now that you faced whatever it was, you can go back, right?"

Somehow it sounded strangely simple coming from Fujiki's mouth, when inside my head everything had become a maze.

"I know I must go back, but-!"

"Must? Don't you _want_ to go back?"

I frowned.

"Of course I do!" I said hastily.

"Then get up on your feet and head back. To your home! To your lieutenant!"

I raised an eyebrow with the grin Fujiki gave me.

"Is she beautiful?" he chuckled.

I couldn't restrain a chuckle myself with the look he gave me. I shook my head and looked away feeling my cheeks warm up.

"Yes… she is!"

"Then go away, or I'll kick your butt and send you back flying!" Fujiki tapped my knee and laughed. "Idiot! I made that mistake once. And it's the only thing I regret from my life… before I died!"

I looked seriously at Fujiki whose dark eyes looked sad suddenly.

"If I had the chance to redo something, that would be it! I would have made the question I wanted to make her ever since I met her! But I had been a coward. And although I knew that she wanted to be happy with nobody else but me, _I_ was the one who shoved her into another man's arms! Me, the worst idiot in history!" Fujiki chuckled and rubbed his forehead.

"Do not hesitate. Go, go back and tell her all you want to tell her! It doesn't matter if you regret now for leaving in the first place, because it will be hundred times worse when you will be regretting for the rest of this life for not returning to her!"

I felt my eyes grow tearful as I stared in Fujiki's warm eyes. I quickly looked away to keep the tears back.

When I blinked I saw her standing in the field of daffodils… when I blinked again I saw her wearing that plum-red kimono falling beautifully over her curvaceous figure… and when I blinked again I saw her big eyes in the colour of dawn looking back at me piercing my soul and making my heart beat wildly as the fog of the hot springs enshrouded her…

I wanted to hear her laughter again, I wanted to see the funny faces she made, I wanted to feel her fingers touching me absent-mindedly, I wanted to feel her lips on mine…

And I wanted to tell her about Jin and Michio, about our childhood's adventures, about our tree branch and our games. About my beloved aunt Hikari and her garden which she so loved. About Hisashi-san and about his horses… about a whole new life that belonged to me…

But even then, when I had gathered up all the courage to finally head back home, fate still kept me from returning...

"What's her name? This lieutenant of yours?" Fujiki asked with a big grin.

"Matsumoto. Matsumoto Rangiku!" I said with a smile.

Fujiki's expression turned puzzled for a moment.

"What?" I asked.

"Does she happen to know a Matsumoto Osamu?"

…

* * *

**Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!**

**I would like to take this opportunity and say that it is really important to tell the people you care about how much you love them. Most of us-including myself- take this for granted and think that actions are enough to express your love and affection to those favourite people of ours. But, isn't it beautiful how you feel when someone tells you that they care about you and love you? So, please take the chance of every minute you have with that person(s) and tell them!**

**Sorry, it was just something i felt like saying XD Take care!**


	36. And the Sky was always Clouded

**Part 3 – Apart like Night and Day**

**And the Sky was always Clouded**

Like leaves blown from the past, he met her beautiful big eyes piercing his soul and awakening him from the deepest sleep. Surrounded by long eyelashes they looked back at him and she smiled. The smile seemed to lighten up the night and bring a familiar warmth inside his chest.

Toushirou leaned closer to her, not minding his _hakama_ growing wet from the slippery rocks under his knees or the humidity creating drops of sweat on his temples. Nothing mattered; not even the fact that they were being watched. He could feel the foreign _reiatsu._ Not even the thick clouds gathering on the night sky bringing along the scent of a rainstorm.

The thundering in the distance felt as if taking place inside of him. Drumming and reminding him how intensely and insanely alive he felt.

As a result he leaned even closer watching how her lids slowly closed and her breathing pace accelerated. When he noticed her fleshy lips part, his did as well. And when they met, he took the deepest inhale to fill all of his senses with her odour, sweet, tempting, breathtaking and dreamy…

He kissed her like he had never kissed her before. Like it was the first after the longest time. And it was… it was indeed a long time since the last he had felt her so close, so _real_…

His hands searched for her skin impatiently and found her slender neck. His fingers dug into her golden locks brushing through them with such ease as if they were made of the purest silk, and breathed her more and more while his lips cupped hers passionately.

But what made him smile while kissing was the fact that she was not pulling back, or keeping a slow rhythm as if to help him keep up with her. Of course he knew how much more experienced his lieutenant was in this area, but it was the last thing he was thinking at that moment, because she was not giving him that hint.

She was giving her all in this kiss, he could feel it in the desperateness of her touch on his face, on his chest, on his shoulder-blades. He could feel it in her slow but deep kiss, in the rhythm of her breathing and panting. Just like he was.

It was what they wanted, what they _desired_ at that moment.

It was all they needed to let the other know of their importance to the other… after such a long time…

Such a long long time…

…

I shot up from the hard ground and folded myself putting pressure with my both hands on my stomach. My head was spinning fast and my guts hurt.

I groaned and clenched my teeth with the torrents of pain that shot through me.

"Hitsugaya-san?" I heard Fujiki next to me mutter.

I was unable to say anything. The pain that pierced through me was too much and had blurred all my senses. I fell back on the ground bringing my knees up to my chest hoping it would soothe the pain.

"Hitsugaya-san! What-what's wrong? Hitsugaya-san?" Fujiki cried and I felt his hands on me.

"Hitsugaya-san!"

…

The sun had risen when I opened my lids again finding a wild bush hanging over me. I narrowed my eyes to clear the blurriness. It was not as bright as it felt like; the sky was covered with a light gray blanket and I heard thunders not far away from us.

I turned my head to find Fujiki sitting by a fire. The scent of the bitterness of tea reached my nostrils.

Slowly I sat up rubbing my forehead. My shoulders felt like carrying boulders.

"Good morning!" Fujiki smiled and poured the hot water in a small wooden thing that looked like a cup in which dark green leaves were floating. He offered me the tea.

"Thank you." I blew at the hot water and cupped it with my both hands.

"How're you feeling?" the black-haired man asked casually.

"Much better!"

"I guess it's the hunger, right?" he glanced sideways at me and continued playing with the stick and the small fire.

"I guess so." I muttered, wondering if Fujiki was envious of this capability of mine which he had lost since his arrival in Soul Society.

"Then I think we should leave as soon as possible. The village should be a two days' walk from now on." Fujiki looked to the north where the gray clouds were coming from, like a growling monster. "There you'll find food!" he chuckled.

The sound of thunders brought flashes of my dream in my head, and I wondered if indeed that sudden pain I had felt in the night was due to the hunger and fatigue.

I looked over the cup at him.

Fujiki seemed sad as his dark eyes wandered over the vast valleys that stretched for as far as the eye could reach. The mountains covered with snow were now standing behind us; a gigantic wall separating me from Seireitei. And the more we headed north, the more it grew distant, yet the dreams grew intenser and more vivid…

But going back now did not feel right, for a reason I had yet to discover.

Fujiki stretched his legs and brushed a palm over his face.

"Well… when you've drank up, we depart. Ok?"

I nodded and took a short sip.

Fujiki was wearing the same expression as he had been since he had told me of the reason he wanted to head north across the snow-covered mountains; to the village where this Matsumoto Osamu was said to be.

An expression of mixed sadness, anxiety and excitement.

"_Matsumoto… well, it is a name I've heard quite sometimes when… when I was still alive. So, it could be nothing but a coincidence that your woman shares this name with the one I'm looking for!"_

He had said making me furrow my brows with irritation.

"_She's not my woman!"_ I had hissed through clenched teeth. Fujiki had laughed at my reaction while I wanted to punch the smile away from his arrogant face.

"_I heard some stories that this man has a strange ability… they say he can find people!"_

At first I had not reacted to his sayings; stories and myths were floating in every town and village. Even in Seireitei. And besides that, the newcomers in Soul Society were always naïve enough to believe any story and gossip that was flowing, and eager to meet again with their beloved ones. What bothered me was the familiarity of the name.

Matsumoto Osamu…

"_He can find the people you are looking for! And… I think it's time I get over the fact that I'm dead and start building a new life here."_Fujiki had said wearing that very expression he was wearing now. A distant gaze, a brave smile and a frown of sadness over his eyes.

"_I can't forget the people of my life! I don't want to. I can't just find others here and start anew! It would be like… like betraying them! I have to find them! Maybe the afterlife will offer me a second chance or something!"_

"Fujiki." I called him and he looked at me over his shoulder. "I think you should consider the possibility that the ability of that man is… that it's nothing but a myth! I've never heard of an ability like this. Not even among Shinigami with great abilities in _kido_. It could be something else. He could be a Shinigami with a Zanpakuto with strange abilities."

I didn't tell him that if there were another Shinigami named Matsumoto I would have definitely known of his existence, since his frown grew deeper as he watched me.

Suddenly Fujiki grinned.

"Don't worry! I may be more naïve and more, let's say, open-minded now that I know that the afterlife _does_ exist, but I'll try not to grow too hopeful! I know!" he shrugged and looked away again. "Besides, I was just looking for a reason to leave that pathetic village since the time I had ended up there and found out that there _are_ better places to live in here."

"In Soul Society."

"What?"

I smiled slightly.

"The _here _you mentioned. It's called Soul Society!" I explained.

Fujiki chuckled.

"Yeah… Soul Society! Maybe, if that Matsumoto guy does not exist, or turns out to be a fake, then I shall return with you to your town! Perhaps I could meet your woman!"

I placed the cup of tea on the ground and gave Fujiki a killer glance.

"She's _not_my woman!"

"Yeah, yeah! I heard you calling her name in the night, mister-she's-not-my-woman! You're head over heels about her, Hitsugaya-san!" Fujiki laughed loud making me wonder how fast his mood could change.

I pressed my lips and kept myself from throwing the cup to his head.

Soon after that we departed further north.

Before sundown the rainstorm caught up with us and so we searched for a hide-out until the storm would cease.

Fujiki's mood was bright again and it got on my nerves, but at least time felt like passing by much quicker. A little after sunrise the storm turned into a light rainfall and Fujiki insisted we went on with our journey at once muttering something about my health.

We were following a river which had flooded after the strong rain. The ice-cold water rushed along the rocky shores like a snake-like beast being chased. As I watched the white water it reminded me of the last battle and Hyourinmaru's ice-dragon's form. And then Kuchiki's words, sharp like his Zanpakuto's ability, pierced my soul echoing all around me.

At once I lowered my eyes, just like I had when Kuchiki's eyes looked down at me that day.

But my reminiscing lasted only a short time when, suddenly, all my senses were woken up by an ice-cold, hostile _reiatsu._

I stopped dead in my tracks and looked to my right where I saw the air moving strangely.

Everything that occurred after that happened in only a few seconds, though they had felt like entire minutes…

Out of thin air a huge Hollow appeared and rushed towards me with its jaws wide open revealing sharp teeth and sparkles flickering inside the slits where eyes ought to be. But what made me incapable of reacting fast enough was the mask with horns… it was the same shape and perhaps the same size of the mask of that Hollow that had been the cause of my death…

My eyes widened at the sight of the familiar Hollow and if my hand had not missed the handle of my Zanpakuto behind my back by an inch I would have been able to save Fujiki… but I _had_ missed it by an inch…

Fujiki had been standing only two steps behind me, watching everything with slow motions, unable to keep up with the Hollow's and my speed. That was the reason he couldn't run away and save himself.

All I managed to see was a blur of white and black rushing over me, knocking me down on the ground and then slamming Fujiki on the ground. I heard a scream, and then the Hollow's laughter… and then I knew that it could not have been the very Hollow that had killed me more than hundred years ago. Its laughter was so much different…

I sliced its mask in two with my katana, but I had been too slow.

Before it faded away like smoke, the Hollow had already fed with Fujiki's soul… no trace was left behind, as if he had never existed in this world…

"Fujiki!" I cried out loud cupping my mouth. I scanned a round but I was surrounded by nothing but a soulless valley and a growling river.

I tightened my grip around the handle of my Zanpakuto and clenched my teeth.

What was going on with me…

Why hadn't I moved faster… why hadn't I sensed the Hollow's presence in time… it had been so close when I first noticed the air move strangely… too close…

What was wrong with me…

I had just been the reason for an innocent soul to die.

"Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!" I growled at myself pulling my hair and biting my lips. I threw the long katana on the ground and felt a flicker in Hyourinmaru's _reiatsu_, but I paid no attention. Instead my eyes kept searching for some sign of Fujiki, even though I knew that I would never see him again.

The Hollow had eaten him, the way I had wished would happen to me many years ago, so that the end would come faster…

That moment I remembered a faint memory. An image of pure white and a little shadow flickering over the bright white light. Something moving slowly, like a leaf falling from a tree… but it was not…

I furrowed my brows staring at my knees on the ground and my clenched fists.

And then I remembered a butterfly in front of me…

It had been that night I had died on that ice-covered field as the sun was slowly rising, though I never made it through the dawn; there had been a butterfly. A Hell Butterfly… which meant that a Shinigami had performed the Soul Burial on me, a technique every Shinigami learnt in the Academy to purify a Human soul and send it to Soul Society.

I ran my hand over my face and folded myself over my knees blaming myself for everything; for Fujiki's sudden death, for the Gotei 13's disappointment in me according to Kuchiki's sayings, for all I could imagine was going on in 10th Division, for the pain I had caused to Matsumoto…

All I wanted was to find out about my past.

But now the consequences of my snubbing the laws were tumbling down around me, falling and piling up to hide me from everything and everyone.

Once more my feet were tied on the very spot. I was unable to move forward or return back home.

I remembered Fujiki's words; he had said he'd come back to Seireitei with me if that Matsumoto turned out to be a fake…

I couldn't go on like this. Like a coward running away from something I could not specify.

Was I afraid of facing the consequences of my departure…

Was I afraid of facing my lieutenant…

Or was I afraid of returning back to a life that was so much different from the one Hyourinmaru had revealed to me…

I couldn't understand it myself. But I knew that, if indeed that Matsumoto Osamu's abilities were true, then I would have searched for him myself as well. Just so I could know if my family was here; my brothers, Jin and Michio, and my aunt and my grandparents…

For the first time I tried to imagine a life here, in Soul Society with Jin and Michio and aunt-Hikari living under the same roof. I would introduce them to my Division and to Matsumoto…

I wondered what aunt Hikari would think of her…

What my brothers' opinion would be… would they laugh at me, or would they encourage me…

And then I heard Matsumoto's voice inside my head mentioning that name… it had been that day she had insisted we took a day-off together, as a result we had breakfast at Kuchiki's mansion, then a stroll in Rukongai and ended up at my grandmother's…

"_Osamu was the logical one. When Hikaru and I would defy my mother's shouts, he would take the lead and talk just like a big brother should… .He was not the type who'd simply act mature in order to gain our parents' trust or anything… no, it was just his way of applying order!"_ I remembered her words clearly.

Grandmother had asked her about her past… that's right, Matsumoto had two older brothers; Hikaru and Osamu…

I looked up staring into the nothingness bringing back details of that day, the most beautiful day I could remember…

Back then I had not the slightest idea of what my past could be like. Back then I had been insanely envious every time somebody talked about their living life with smiles across their faces…

But Osamu… Matsumoto Osamu… could he be Matsumoto's brother…

With that I stood up and sheathed my Zanpakuto letting Hyourinmaru's faint spiritual energy to calm me down. Although I had no clear mind to make important decisions at the moment, I made my way to the north.

But this time, I was not running away anymore.

If this Matsumoto Osamu Fujiki had mentioned was real, then I had to fulfill his desire and find out if he really possessed the ability to find people. And then, I had to find out if he was Matsumoto's older brother. Because if he was, it would be the first time I'd know someone who had met with their relatives in the afterlife…

…

With flash-steps I reached the village before the sky had darkened.

The conditions here looked much improved compared to the little village at the south foot of the mountains. The people looked livelier, animals were running around freely and dogs barked happily at each newcomer.

But even here the villagers were surprised and were staring at me with awe but cautiousness; a black-dressed Shinigami with a long katana on the back and snow-white hair.

At first, I flash-stepped over the rooftops trying to sense every single trace of _reiatsu_ in the vicinity. If there were Hollows or Menos Grande I wanted to be aware of their presence in time. And in addition to that, I wanted to find out who the Shinigami of this village were.

If anyone knew of a man capable of _finding_ people, it had to be them.

The sky was dyed a deep pink as the sun had set and I sensed two Shinigami. Without second thought I followed the soft trace of their _reiatsu_.

In the centre of the village stood three tall towers, similar to the ones in Seireitei. The two Shinigami were sitting nonchalantly on one rooftop under the fading shadow of one of the towers.

The moment their eyes met mine they stood up at once and their hands found instantly the handles of their Zanpakuto.

I stopped in my tracks feeling the passerby's staring at me and slowly walking away.

I was looking up at the roof at the man and the woman with the black uniform of the Shinigami.

They jumped down and walked towards me with deep frowns on their faces.

I tried to look calm and neutral, and made no single movement to grab my Zanpakuto.

The man stared at me from my toes up to my hair. Both their eyes stayed a little too long on my hair.

I clicked my tongue in response.

"Who are you?" the man with spiky, dark brown hair asked. His face was quite angular and tanned, while his eyes had a bright green colour. The woman beside him was much shorter than him, barely surpassing me by a head, with long straight black hair dancing around her round face. I didn't like the arrogant expression on her face.

"My name is Hitsugaya Toushirou." I replied simply. "And who are you?"

The man's brow rose at the remark.

"Ha, the Shinigami of this village! My name is Mukai Akihiko! And this is-!"

"What do you want here?" the woman asked and I noticed the tension in her slight movements. Her eyes were looking nowhere but me.

Mukai next to her chuckled nervously and tapped her shoulder.

"Rude Haruki-chan! Hitsugaya-san, don't take it personally! She's like this with every man!"

The woman kicked Mukai at his leg causing the man to groan with pain and surprise. He grabbed his leg and gave her a light punch on her forearm.

"You idiot!"

"_You're_ the idiot, Akihiko! What is he doing here? What if he wants to take our places here? What if he-!"

"I'm not here to take your place!" I said coldly.

Both Mukai and that Haruki-chan looked at me frowning, as if I had just insulted them.

"You don't like it here?" Haruki asked sharply crossing her arms on her chest.

Mukai straightened his back and looked suddenly all serious. He crossed his arms as well and for a moment I seriously considered of using a simple _kido_ on them and then walk away.

How could anyone put the responsibility of an entire village in _their_ hands…

I fought the urge to roll my eyes as I observed them.

"It's a _very_ beautiful village, but I'm not interested in it. I'm interested in a specific man who is supposed to be living here!" I said, wondering if they would be willing to help me.

"A man?" Mukai asked and rubbed his chin glancing down at Haruki.

"His name is Matsumoto." I added when I noticed Haruki looking thoughtful.

"Matsumoto?" Mukai asked again.

"That's what I said!" I muttered to myself.

"I know, Matsumoto-san! He owns this shop that sells sandals with beads? You know him!" Haruki said looking at Mukai and showing, for the first time since I got here, a smile on her face.

"And that other old man, who is being followed by a herd of dogs each time he goes for a walk!" Mukai said and started pointing towards different directions.

"And Matsumoto Kasumi, she has thi-!"

"Wait! He said he's searching for a man Matsumoto!" Mukai corrected her and tapped the top of her head. At once her face turned red.

"Aa!" they both gapped and then turned towards me simultaneously.

This time I couldn't keep myself from rolling my eyes.

"Matsumoto Osamu, a man! Do you know him?" I repeated the question.

"Osamu?" Mukai asked. Again.

"Exactly!" I nodded.

"Osamu… Osamu…!" Mukai and Haruki looked at each other for a long time before they both jumped on their feet and approached me with wide grins on their faces as if we had been friends forever.

I flinched with the sudden approach and the too bright smiles.

"We know him! Well, Haruki-chan knows him more than I do!" Mukai started snickering and then laughing loudly at the short woman who had turned even redder. "Haruki-chan here, as you see, has a crush on that man you're looking for, Hitsugaya-san! And now you'll become her favourite person for the day for giving her a reason to meet him! Again!"

Haruki slapped Mukai hard on his face. The sound of the slap even made me flinch.

"Shut up, you jerk!" she hissed.

"If you're going to kill me today, please tell me so, so that Hitsugaya-san here can replace me in time!"

I furrowed my brows and gave Mukai a killer glance.

"Please, tell me where he is!" I requested as calmly as I could muster, but that Mukai and Haruki insisted they showed me instead of telling me. As a result I had to endure their idiotic insults towards each other for another twenty minutes.

At some point they started arguing about where Matsumoto Osamu was living, and I wished that, when we'd finally find the place, we would part ways.

The last thing I wanted was to have those two there when I would ask that Matsumoto if he was my lieutenant's brother and if he could indeed _find_ people.

When we reached a wooden cabin under a naked maple tree, Mukai and Haruki stopped and pointed at the small house.

For a moment I stopped breathing and tried to sense the man's _reiatsu_. There was a faint trace, but nothing strong enough to prove that he was a Shinigami, or possessed a strong spiritual energy.

I glanced at the two Shinigami beside me and thanked them.

Haruki suddenly grabbed my wrist and smiled nervously at me.

"Please… let me-!"

"I'm sorry. I have to talk to him in private." I told her knowing what she was about to ask. I looked away from the disappointment that showed at once on her round blushed face. "It's really important to me!" I added and walked up the three small steps of the cabin.

I glanced over my shoulder at Mukai comforting Haruki as they flash-stepped away.

I sighed and ran my hand over my face when the door opened before me making me jump backwards back to the ground in terror.

"Oh! So I _was_ right! I did hear some voices outside!" a deep voice said and I looked up to meet a tall man with broad shoulders and eyes that momentarily brought an image of my lieutenant in my mind. And that was enough for me to prove that this man was indeed Matsumoto's older brother.

My lips parted as I stared at the man and tried to search for more similarities; the dark blonde hair, the fleshy lips, the long eyelashes, the nose…

For a moment I even thought I was making those features up, but, as I stared, and I was staring long, I could see the similarity.

My eyes had widened and my palms had grown sweaty when I managed to make the question.

"Are you… Matsumoto Osamu?"

The man chuckled and motioned towards the inside.

There was something familiar in his movements and in his manners. Something warm, something I had missed too much…

I had been away too long, but I had learnt a lot during this time.

Big places inside of me that were once empty had now been overfilled with memories and emotions; things I couldn't even imagine some time ago. I was given a family out of nowhere, I made a friend, and lost him.

And now I would make a new one; and this man would be the one to guide me back home with his strong words and the brave and easy-going character that so much reminded me of her… of the person I had missed the most of all…

We talked about Matsumoto Rangiku, both sharing our own experiences and memories with her individually. Osamu was more than shocked when I told him that I knew her and she was my lieutenant. But he was even more shocked when I asked him of that ability of his. He only laughed in response and said that if he did have such an ability he wouldn't be here living in this faraway village under a maple tree all by himself.

I tried not to tell him too much about her, since I could not trust this lump in my throat anymore. It felt like the air was too heavy inside my chest and it forced a strange pressure in my skull. I fought the urge to cry in front of a stranger…

But Osamu was the first one to start shedding tears as his sky-blue eyes wandered away, probably to his childhood...

That's when he told me of the tragedy that involved Matsumoto's death… it was after their parents' murder and the destruction of their home that Osamu and his uncle found Matsumoto dead being watched over by a white stallion… she had only been fourteen years old…

I couldn't help the horrid images popping in my head. I tried to imagine her as a happy little girl with long golden locks and the white stallion standing proudly over her. She had mentioned him once to me, a white horse named Shiro…

And then I remembered a memory of my own; the day Jin, Michio and I had visited the town. We had eaten grilled eel, we had gone for shopping, and we had met a samurai brushing a white stallion.

I remember clearly telling that samurai what a beautiful horse it was. And then his words rang in my ears, as if I had heard them only yesterday.

"_Yes, he is! But… he used to be so much more beautiful. Not long ago. He's been through much, this horse. He grew old in a matter of days although he's so young!"_

Osamu had been looking at me with a worried expression as strange thoughts started swirling inside my head. I never told him that I had met his uncle and the white stallion. I never told him that I had met _him_ that day as well. Osamu was much younger back then, the day I had visited that town which I was not supposed to go to…

But, just like I never told him about my feelings about his younger sister, even though he realized it the moment I started talking about her, I didn't need to tell him what I had found out to make him trust me.

He had trusted me the moment our eyes met… as if he knew as well that we had once met in our previous _living_lives…

Maybe he did; that is something I never found out…

Osamu and I departed for Seireitei the very next day. For the first time in months my feet were no longer hesitating to move back south. I was afraid, but I was excited, and I had the company of a beloved person of my lieutenant's…

Through our journey, the last traces of the winter faded away. And the sky, that had always been clouded while I had been running away from home, was now wearing its most beautiful clear blue…

…

**Another late update! Sorry about that! I'm preparing to move out and so have been quite busy...**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing! It means so much!**

**Hopefully you liked the turn in the story- and you surely realized that Toushirou is **_**finally**_**returning to Seireitei, to Rangiku! Yeahy XD Oh, by the way please tell me if you thought it was a little confusing with all those references to the past chapters (those in italics in the story).**

**Have a nice day/evening!**


	37. When Night meets Day

**Finally back, I know! Anooother long update! **

**Hope you're doing fine! I'd like to thank you so much for your lovely reviews, they always keep me going! Here are the last two chapters of Part 3... Want a part 4? :)**

**Please enjoy!**

**I do not own Bleach!**

* * *

**Part 3 – Apart like Night and Day**

**When Night meets Day**

The moment his eyes noticed the first houses in the distant horizon, Toushirou couldn't restrain the up-coming tears from blurring his vision. His heart started drumming fast in his chest, although it had been beating wildly ever since he had decided to return back home.

The one he had to thank though for finally building up the courage to do so was none other than the man who was walking beside him. Matsumoto Osamu…

Toushirou tried to hide his face from the tall man and discreetly wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes with the sleeve of his black uniform. When he looked to the front again he noticed Matsumoto glancing at him. A smile appeared on the man's face as he offered him a handkerchief.

Toushirou took it silently.

"It is a big city!" Matsumoto said randomly gazing at the visible part of north Rukongai.

Toushirou nodded and felt glad that Matsumoto did not make him feel uncomfortable, as he had grown overly sentimental ever since they started this journey. Even if in the nights he would cry silently in his sleep with the fear of facing everything and everyone he had left behind, and during the day he'd keep silent being deep in thoughts wearing a hurt expression, Matsumoto never criticized. He never made comments, he never asked painful questions.

He could read him, just like his sister could.

And with that thought Toushirou cursed under his breath with the new welling in his eyes.

"It is… a big city." He said, his voice deeper due to the constant lump in his throat. "What we see is Kusajishi district. It's the poorest district of all 320. It is the northern-most and the one most Shinigami would rather avoid when patrolling." He told him, happy that he could take his mind elsewhere.

Matsumoto chuckled softly.

"Which is the most beautiful district?" he asked.

Toushirou glanced at his bright face, and thought to himself that he ought to look as happy himself as well since he was finally going back home after months. For the moment he tried to feel glad that his feet were not hesitating and instead walked him confidently to the south.

"Well… I grew up in Junrinan district, so it is the one I'm best familiar with. There are many beautiful maple trees there. In the autumn the neighborhoods begin to fill with red leaves and lots of people gather to view them. It is beautiful there! And also the mountain Koifushi is a beautiful place. See that hill on the right? That is mount Koifushi. It is a favorite place for training among the Shinigami. This and the Soukyoku hill." Toushirou said.

Matsumoto was watching everywhere Toushirou pointed him to. He smiled and looked at the white-haired Shinigami.

"Do you know where my sister grew up?"

Toushirou bit his lower lip as his gaze got lost into the vast blue sky and the midday's sun.

"She lived for a long time in the north of Rukongai. In one of the poorest districts." Toushirou noticed Matsumoto furrow his brows. "But she made friends quickly, so she didn't stay long alone. She made a good friend back then." He said, his voice trailing off in the remembrance of a former captain who used to be his lieutenant's best friend and, he was sure, something more than just a friend.

But, once more, Matsumoto did not let him wander too long on these thoughts.

"I still cannot believe that Rangiku became a Shinigami! In our previous lives, she used to always be so jealous of my brother and me for being trained by our father. He was in the military, a strong and smart warrior. But Rangiku, being a girl, had no chance to become a warrior herself. Yet still she never gave up trying to persuade our father to teach her how to fight with the wooden stick, to learn defensive moves, to ride like warriors do! And now… now her dream of fighting to protect the ones she cares about is being fulfilled! While I... I do not feel hunger anymore!" he chuckled though his expression turned sad. "I'm so proud about her! Rangiku… a lieutenant!"

"She was also offered the seat of captain the previous summer!" Toushirou added.

Matsumoto gapped and then smiled widely.

"She is amazing!"

Toushirou felt like blushing.

"That she is!" and they laughed.

…

The pressure inside of him that was caused by a kind of fear he had never felt before had finally started to fade away and become another cloud in the sky, floating away, unable to resist the wind currents.

And the more they talked about Matsumoto the more the two men felt lighter and more relaxed, each one of them filled with their own fears and hesitations. But Rukongai was already there, standing in front of them; shadows of cabins and farmhouses, and in the distance the tall towers of Seireitei and the pointy Soukyoku hill standing in front of a clear dusky sky. Not a single cloud shadowed their arrival. Instead the moon and the stars did not wait for the sky to darken to show off their mystical presence.

Toushirou led Matsumoto to the only person he could trust in Rukongai, and that could only be his grandma.

Walking through Junrinan district felt like a distant dream; faded memories compared to the ones he never let go; memories of his _previous_ life…

The same old streets, the same houses and shops, even the trees he had grown so familiar with during his early years in Soul Society looked so different now. Because now he had some place else to compare them with.

Toushirou's mind kept swirling around vivid thoughts and memories, and they reached another level the moment he came face to face with his grandmother. The one that had saved him. The one that had offered him a house and a home after his death…

He dived into her embrace and cried, not minding the presence of Matsumoto behind him.

Toushirou told his grandmother everything that night; of his departure from Seireitei, of his journey up the northern mountains, of his past that was revealed to him. The elder woman, carved with wrinkles of time, watched him with the softest and purest smile. She listened with interest and her eyes never left him, not a single second. As if she tried to keep him there with her and not let him slip away again into those distant past memories.

He stayed with her all night, until she fell asleep in her winter futon. Until he could hear her breathing grow calm and silent. And before dawn, Toushirou threw one last glance at the sleeping Matsumoto Osamu and made his way to the West Gate that led to Seireitei.

Rukongai was still sleeping. The birds had just began their morning song when Toushirou arrived at the gigantic gate guarded by a giant Shinigami; Ikkanzaka Jidanbo.

The guard was on a sitting position with his back on the tall wall and his chin touched his collarbone as he snored loudly.

Toushirou couldn't restrain a smile with the familiarity of this scene and the fact that he was indeed back home after all that had happened.

He approached the sleeping giant and tapped his forearm. Jidanbo only shook his arm as if an insect had tickled him and his snore continued.

"Jidanbo!" Toushirou growled under his breath gritting his teeth.

Although he had not spoken loud the giant seemed to awaken. One eye met Toushirou's and his blank expression turned shocked.

Jidanbo sat up while his eyes were glued on the white-haired Shinigami.

"Hit-Hitsugaya-san? You're back? Wait-!" he leaned closer to the small Shinigami and looked at him with wide-open eyes. "is it really you?"

"Do you know any other white-haired, short-tempered little captain that I don't know?" Toushirou crossed his arms on his chest.

"Did you just call yourself little?" Jidanbo touched his long chin with his forefinger and his lips curved upwards.

Toushirou's brow twitched.

"Open the damn gate!" he ordered coldly.

"It's sooo nice to see you too! Hitsugaya-san! Good to have you back! Hope you enjoyed your holidays!" Jidanbo grinned and slowly stood up to walk towards the wooden gate.

"I was not on holidays!"

"Oh!" Jidanbo glanced down at him and shrugged. "Anyway! Hinamori-chan mentioned something about you going away by yourself and I thought you decided to take some time off or something like that!"

Toushirou started tapping his foot on the dirt ground as he waited for Jidanbo to lift up the gate.

"Still, I did not go on holidays! Can you hurry up already?" Toushirou muttered impatiently.

"Sure thing, captain! Opla!" the giant dug his huge fingers in the ground and started pushing the gate up slowly revealing to Toushirou the place he couldn't return to in a time that felt like ages.

Toushirou's lips parted and caught himself trying to sense a specific someone's _reiatsu._

…

In his mind the reason he came back was now perfectly clear.

For now he did not care about his duty or his obligations, but only about what was right. What _felt _right…

As a result he did not head to the Captain-Commander's Division to announce his arrival, as he should be doing, but ran with top speed to the closest Division to the West Gate; the 10th Division's headquarters.

He could walk the streets blindly, even in flash steps, but this time he was drawn to these specific buildings because of her sweet and calming _reiatsu_. He couldn't believe this was actually happening, that he was running towards her. Nor could he believe himself for acting upon his instinct for once, and not his logic.

He wanted to see her like he wanted nothing else in the world…

At some distance from the buildings he restraint all of his spiritual flow in order not to draw all of the Division's attention. Before he could even see the familiar black pine tree and the front gates, he felt Gato Masanori's _reiatsu_, and he smiled.

With flash steps, and always keeping himself hidden in the shadows, Toushirou walked past the guards and into the sleeping barracks. There he felt Gato Masanori before spotting him on the rooftop of his office.

Toushirou halted and walked slowly from under the pine tree keeping his eyes on the dark-skinned Shinigami.

He waited there in silence observing the sleeping Division, _his _sleeping Division.

Everything was just like he had left it. The gardens were beautiful under the dim light of dusk, and the pine tree looked like a swaying giant under the purplish sky. He shut his eyelids and tried to feel all of his subordinates' _reiatsu_, Kagetora's, Hidetoshi's, Aika's, and all of the unseated whose barracks stood on the other side of the gardens.

And then he focused at the private rooms of his lieutenant that were standing straight ahead of him across the gardens.

He stared at the shut sliding doors, there where he had been standing last summer holding a scroll he had written for her… the night before he had left…

For a split second a wave of terror crossed his thoughts, screaming to him that he should not be here… that this was a mistake… that she did not deserve him because he had hurt her…

But he knew he was wrong…

He had come back to make things right. Because being away would not make things better. Matsumoto would not become better. He had to make amends, he had to ask for forgiveness and, above all, he wanted to thank her for everything she had done for him, even if half of them she had no clue of.

Toushirou made another step from under the pine tree and then he felt a sudden flicker in Gato's _reiatsu_.

The 6th seated officer was now standing at the edge of the rooftop staring down at him. Toushirou could not make out his expression, but he could easily imagine it. He smiled and watched him as he jumped down with the ease of a feline and approached him calmly.

Gato raised his hand to touch him, but the last moment hesitated and seemed like scolding himself for the disrespectful gesture. But Toushirou did not falter. He smiled, and suddenly it felt so easy to smile.

Gato's eyes were wide-open but his lips were sealed tight.

"Good morning, Gato!" Toushirou whispered. "I see you kept your promise… and I cannot be more grateful to you!"

Gato sighed while his eyes filled with tears.

"How could I ever thank you for watching over her?" Toushirou's voice trembled as he watched his subordinate break into silent tears, hiding his face behind his palms. His shoulders started shaking slightly.

"Shh, Gato! It's ok! It's alright!"

Toushirou touched Gato's shoulder and tightened his grip around it. When Gato revealed to him his tearful face Toushirou smiled at him softly.

"Thank you, Gato!"

"You returned!" Gato managed to mumble and shook his head up and down as if trying to reassure himself that this was no dream.

It was the first time he had come so close with another of his subordinates besides Matsumoto, and Toushirou felt a little proud. For the first time he was not afraid of approaching these people he used to consider as nothing but Shinigami officers, but also as people he shared the same roof, the same home…

Gato chuckled and apologized for his breaking down in front of him. Toushirou chuckled in response.

"Go and get some rest! I'll take it from here! You've done a great job!" he told him and walked away to jump up the rooftop. Toushirou could feel Gato's eyes on him for a while longer before he heard a light whooshing sound as the Shinigami flash-stepped away.

He observed the beautiful scene happening in front and around of him. The birds flying in and out of the trees singing energetically, the petals of the first flowers slowly opening to greet the new day, the different numerous _reiatsu_ of his people, and the feeling that he _did_ belong here welling him from the inside. For the first time he felt like nothing was missing. Everything was in place. Everything inside of him was finally put in order.

Now that he knew who he was and where he came from, he could sort out his priorities.

So, his eyes lowered from the grayish blue sky down to the doors of his lieutenant's private rooms, and this peaceful happiness inside of him only increased.

The first sunrays emerged from the east behind the Soukyoku hill and then Toushirou let his _reiatsu_ flow calmly, like the cool morning breeze, over his sleeping Division.


	38. Dawn in her Eyes

**The song "Something's wrong" by Pretty Lights was my inspiration for this chapter! Enjoy!**

* * *

**Part 3 – Apart like Night and Day**

**Dawn in her eyes**

I dreamt the dream I kept dreaming so many nights.

There were the most beautiful vivid shades of pink and lilac on the sky and the sounds of the spring's evening echoed over the Soukyoku hill. Under the fully blossomed white trees I stood staring at a specific spot, there where my captain once stood. But he was not there now… just an empty spot between the white trees…

But I kept staring as my mind tried hard to create him there. Make up his silhouette and then remember his colours; the white of his hair, whiter than the trees, and his sun-kissed skin. His eyes a deeper blue than the sky with rings of teal around his pupils.

I tried hard to remember the details of his face; the shape of his eyes, the way his lips curved, how long his strands of hair were. But I was only able to guess those details, I was not sure anymore. And that hurt. I felt ashamed for having forgotten and I curse myself silently for not remembering the face of the one person I cannot stop thinking of, I cannot stop worrying about, I cannot stop wanting…

Sometimes a few white blossoms would float over the spot I was staring at giving the impression that he appeared out of thin air there. Each time though I slapped myself mentally for being so easily deceived.

"Have you forgotten about me... Hitsugaya-taicho?" I ask the question that hurts too much in a whisper.

The only response I get comes from the wind.

I try to tell myself that my captain would never abandon his Division like that, without a warning, without telling us a reason why. He's not one of those types.

But still these dark thoughts inside of me shout out loud things I knew could not happen, yet I let them affect me that much.

_He will return_, I try to tell myself. Even if he has forgotten about me, he could never forget about his Division…

As long as I know that he is alright and happy, I shall be able to smile…

And so I shut my eyes, letting the wind slap my face and wishing that I could wake up soon. Because for some reason everything inside me tells me to wake up. That this dream is not real, it can't be real. Hitsugaya-taicho will not forget about me.

There is this feeling that surrounds me and flows right through me; something I've felt before but cannot determine when and where. It is so familiar yet so unprecedented. Warmth flooding my soul and my heart somersaulting inside my chest. My eyes watering and my lips parting as they suddenly desired something I had forgotten about.

And I open my eyes.

…

It was dark. At first everything seemed to be drowned in a black shadow but slowly black turned into dark blue, and as I turned my head, I even saw lighter shades of grey and blue; the colours of dawn behind the paper walls.

I rubbed my temples and groaned with that vivid dream that kept lingering behind my eyelids.

It was the first time it ended like this, the dream. Usually when I opened my eyes I would see Gin smirking at me and telling me that my captain would never come back again.

But tonight Gin had not been there.

I sighed and sat up. I made up my mind to head to the office hoping that the paperwork I didn't finish the previous day could take my mind off a specific someone, but for some reason the dream was still there…

I felt what I had felt in the dream; this warmth that calmed me down but also excited me.

I shook my head and leaned over my knees bringing them close to my chest and this warm feeling only grew intenser. I looked around trying to figure out what was going on with me. Could it be that the dream had been more real than it used to be and so had affected me that much…

Could it be that I was on the verge of breaking down again…

But, I did not feel sad, or depressed, or hurt. This feeling… it was happiness…

My eyes glanced at the shut doors of my rooms. Could it be that…

No, no. It couldn't.

I looked back at the sliding doors and caught myself drilling through the thin material to see the outside world and the one I wished, I hoped was standing in it.

But I shook my head in disbelief and was about to lay back down in my futon when realization hit me.

I gasped and stared at the doors.

This _reiatsu_… this… _reiatsu_ was not Gato-kun's…

No… it was much more refreshing, almost chilly and I could feel it piercing through me making my skin shiver. I held my breath as if it was possible to hear this _reiatsu_, but instead all I could hear was my heart drumming ready to burst out and fly away towards the source of this spiritual energy.

To my captain, where it belonged…

I did not think over what I did after that. My feet pushed me up and my hands slid the doors open with force. My eyes tried to adjust to the dim light of dawn scanning desperately for that white and that turquoise. My breathing rate increased and I ran in the gardens, not minding being barefoot or wearing nothing but a simple black silk kimono. The grass tickled my ankles and my palms grew sweaty.

Everything around me looked unchanged, but why did I feel him like this… So _real_…

Could it be that… he had finally returned back to me…

…

Under the cover of the black pine tree, Toushirou hid in its shadow watching over the small silhouette of his lieutenant's. He could no longer breathe calmly, nor could he think clearly.

He was frozen on the rooftop of his office watching down at her, how she bolt out of her rooms having finally sensed him and now turning around herself searching for him.

The moment he saw her, dressed in her night-kimono and her hair loose dancing over her shoulders he clenched his fists and observed her awe-struck, amazed with her elegance and her beauty. Although he had never forgotten how truly beautiful she was, he was still amazed seeing her standing real in front of him.

How different dreams were from the real thing…

He dared to crawl a little closer and then he stopped dead thinking that she had spotted him. But then she turned around again and he gasped with the desperation on her face.

Had she really missed him that much, he wondered.

Hyourinmaru's spiritual flow woke him up from his desperate thoughts and like a push from his Zanpakuto's soul, he decided to reveal his presence.

Toushirou jumped down the roof in utter silence down on the garden. The grass barely shifted with his touch.

Matsumoto's _reiatsu_ awakened all of his senses and he bit his lips trying to restrain a smile from emerging as he watched her slowly turn around.

First her shoulders fell, then he saw her face in profile and then, breathing so fast as if his entire existence was waiting for this specific moment, her eyes met his.

He did not blink to shove away the up-coming tears, in fear that he would miss her. He couldn't take his eyes off her.

Inside of him, in his chest, in his head, in his limbs, everywhere, a cataclysm of emotions swept him off his feet and he wondered how he was still able to stand while it felt like he was melting on the very spot.

It was the look in her eyes, the dawn radiating from them, instead of the dawn reflecting in them. They held him like an anchor from collapsing and he asked to himself how he had been able to leave her in the first place…

Matsumoto stared at him, her fleshy lips slightly trembling and her eyes filling with tears.

She kept her body sideways as if she was fighting from running away, but her face was turned towards him, looking at him with a mixture of sadness, surprise, pain and desperation.

But then she smiled, and Toushirou's heart felt like having dissolved away, just like the night had disappeared from the grayish-blue sky.

He made a step closer and Matsumoto flinched slightly. He stopped in fear she'd run away.

But she stayed put and her eyes lowered as she turned her whole body towards him.

"Matsumoto!" Toushirou whispered, his voice too weak and too hoarse. He cleared his throat and looked down as well.

"This dream usually turns into a nightmare!" she said in an undertone, though the silence of this time of day made her sound crystal clear. "But it couldn't become any more beautiful!"

Toushirou furrowed his brows as he watched her expression turn soft and peaceful. She smiled, but it was a sad smile.

"Matsumoto, this… this is no dream! I'm here! I came back!" he said desperately and with quick steps approached her so that he could clearly the sadness in her eyes. He noticed that she was not wearing the golden chain around her neck.

"Matsumoto, I'm really back. And I will never leave your side again!"

Matsumoto hid her face behind her palms and sighed. She brushed them over her eyes and looked back at him.

"Are you happy, Hitsugaya-taicho?"

Toushirou frowned.

"Matsumoto! What are you muttering there? What is wrong?"

"You could be Gin again, trying to fool me! Looking like my captain!"

Toushirou grabbed her forearms and shook her until she met his eyes again.

"Matsumoto, this is real! _I'm _real, and I'm back! I would never abandon you like this… this damn bastard did! What man in his right minds would ever leave you?" he said, not really thinking the words. They just slipped out of his mouth. "Matsumoto… I know I've been gone for too long, but… I never stopped thinking of coming back! I hesitated, I was afraid, and I'm late! Too late! I know that! And I don't really expect you to forgive me, although I hope you will! You're too important to me and… if you think ill of me then I… I just don't know what to say!"

He looked up at her and touched her cheek. She leaned into his touch and lowered her gaze.

"I'm so sorry, Matsumoto!" he whispered and was about to make a step backwards, but Matsumoto's hand on his kept him there. She held him with her eyes and he felt like drowning in them.

Slowly she leaned so that their noses touched and he saw that her eyes were watching his lips. And he kissed her.

The touch made his whole body shiver and he breathed in so deeply as if it was his first real breath.

Matsumoto cupped his upper lip with hers and closed in the little distance between their bodies cupping his face and holding him the way he had dreamt she would in such a long time.

At first the kiss felt hesitant. It was slow as if she was reassuring something. Perhaps that he was real.

But soon the rhythm accelerated and Matsumoto wrapped her arms around him deepening the kiss and he felt her cheeks grow wet. He stopped the kiss and pushed a long lock from her eyes away gingerly wiping her tears with his thumbs.

"I promise you, just like you promised that you'd be waiting for me, that I will never leave you again! I'll always be watching over your back! Always!"

Her eyes sparkled as they looked into his.

"You're here." She muttered and touched his face, his brows, his white strand that fell over his left eye, his chin, and then she hugged him so tight he thought his shoulders would crush. He chuckled, but she cried, breaking into sobs as she hid her face in the curve of his neck.

Her warm, wet lips whispered kisses on the skin they touched and he furrowed his brows wondering how he had survived all this time away from her, without her…

Although it sounded excessive, that very moment all he knew was that coming back was indeed the right thing to do… and that this _thing_ he was feeling about her he would never replace even for a million other memories of a thousand previous lives…

All he needed was her… and now he had her…

…

My lips kissed him briefly under his ear lobe and then whispered kisses along his jaw to his chin while my hands seeked for him desperately. He stood there leaning into my every touch watching me through half-lidded eyes and breathing heavily.

And the more I touched him the more I was persuaded that this here was real. It was no dream. Not anymore.

Dreams were over now, because I had the real thing.

My captain was here, his beautiful soul in my hands, his breath-taking _reiatsu_ rushing all over and through me, making me feel like flying…

I couldn't stop touching him, so I hugged him so tight he groaned in discomfort. I chuckled, and then I started giggling as I hid my face on his shoulder. His palms stroked my back and then rested on my waist.

"Thank you… for keeping your promise!" I whispered in his ear. He tightened his embrace slightly in response. "If only you had come yesterday!"

Hitsugaya-taicho pulled slowly away, though kept his face close with mine. I could feel his breathe on my skin, making my cheeks blush more.

"Why? What happened yesterday?" he almost sounded panicked and I shook my head quickly.

"Oh no, no, nothing happened! It's just… well, if you had come yesterday I would have won free _sake _for the next two months!" I told him with a shy smile, wondering if i should mention the game my colleagues and I had come up with, while he was staring at me with a frown.

Oh how I had missed that frown of irritation on his forehead. I laughed and hugged him again while he tried to push me away.

"What on earth are you talking about? Matsumoto! Hey!" he argued, but I squeezed him until I lifted him up from the ground.

"You grew taller, captain! What have you been eating all this time?"

I looked at his face seeing how red he'd become and how he turned his face away to hide it in vain.

I grabbed his hand and kissed his knuckles. His surprised eyes met mine.

"I-!" I began to stutter the words I wanted to tell him in a time that felt like centuries when I heard a loud scream and I felt intense _reiatsu_ flooding the place. All over I saw doors sliding open and my colleagues rushing out of their rooms most of them still dressed in their PJs.

Aika, her blonde hair standing messily over her pale face and wearing red shorts and a simple top, ran with such speed I barely recognized her. The next I saw her she was hugging _my _captain.

Hitsugaya-taicho choked, and then more Shinigami came hearing the commotion and having sensed that this _reiatsu_ had been Hitsugaya-taicho's and not Gato-kun's.

I began laughing hard at the scene. No one kept back, they all hugged our captain with such familiarity I was sure was too much for him to handle. After some time I managed to pull him away from Hidetoshi's grasp and motioned them to stand back.

"Geez, let the man breathe! Want to choke him to death right after he finally came back?" I said strictly.

Aika and the rest of the female Shinigami blushed as they glanced at the panting captain.

"Captain! Is it just me or did you grow tall?" Aika said with a smirk.

Hitsugaya-taicho furrowed his brows more as he glared at her.

"No, you all shrunk!" he muttered with a hoarse tone.

I chuckled and placed an arm around his shoulders. I couldn't stop giggling as I leant my head on his and absent-mindedly planted a kiss on his cheek, but then Hitsugaya-taicho's elbow pierced my side and I groaned.

"Hey! What was that fo-!" but then I saw everyone, and I mean everyone, staring at both of us with such a stupid smirk I knew I wouldn't get away from it for the rest of my lifetime…

"Congratulations!" they all shouted and hoorayed at us as they formed a circle around us as if we were prey and they predators. Hitsugaya-taicho shot me a killer-glance and I smiled apologetically.

"You're so going to regret about this!" he growled under his breath.

...

* * *

**And this was Part 3! What do you think?**

**Thank you very much for reading and sticking with the story for all this time! I also began reading the past chapters to correct any grammatical or vocabulary errors, but i made no major changes. **

**I know i left the story of Osamu and Rangiku hanging, but I wanted to focus on Toushiro's and Rangiku's meeting again. As a result i already have material for Part 4! any ideas are welcome and of course critic as well! It's a way one can improve.**

**Have a wonderful rest of the summer and take care! XD**


	39. The proudest Division

**Hello everyone! Hope you had a beautiful summer!**

** Finally a new chapter! this has been a long time and i needed some time to get into this story once more! but here it is, part 4, as promised. I know it's a small chapter, but it's like a filler, so we all get on the same track!**

**For those of you who have some gaps in the story, here is a little recap:**

In Part 1 Rangiku and Toushirou start discovering deeper feelings for each other and they grow intenser during a mission of theirs in the Human world. In Part 2 the story focuses more in the romance betweent he two main characters, they spent time together and come closer, but in the end of it Rangiku comes face to face with her past again, and so does Toushirou. That's when he decides to pursue this proof of his _living _past. Rangiku promises him that she'll be waiting for him when he announces her that he'd be leaving.

In Part 3, Rangiku is left behind in Seireitei falling in depression and fighting with herself to not let herself fall to deep, whereas Toushirou confronts his past. He finds out that he had a family and two brothers (Chapters 30 to 33).

**Please Enjoy!**

_Hitsugaya Toushirou – Captain_

_Matsumoto Rangiku - Lieutenant_

_Sakurai Hidetoshi – 3rd seated officer_

_Ito Aika – 4th seated officer_

_Shimada Kagetora – 5th officer_

_Gato Masanori – 6th seated officer_

_Motoni Chiyo – unseated officer_

**Part 4 – Let's make memories together**

**The proudest Division**

It felt like I'd been sleeping. Like I was an observer of life, watching my friends and colleagues going on with their lives while I was a ghost, an empty shell walking amongst them, not really participating.

Because my heart was far away. It had fluttered away from my chest the day my captain left Seireitei.

Since then I've been living in a nightmare. Tears, shivering, depression and a constant silence were my new attributes. I was no longer the Matsumoto Rangiku everybody knew. No, my old self had gone leaving only remnants of it lingering behind.

When the first sunrays would appear, I would be sitting at my desk thinking of him. When everyone of 10th Division would be taking their lunch break, I would be eating in the shadows of my private rooms thinking of him. When I would work, I would be thinking of him. When I'd take a nap, I would be thinking of him. But when the night would finally arrive these thoughts would change. Their meaning and the feelings they brought me, they would all change. Thanks to Gato-kun's _reiatsu_.

Because it resembled my captain's so much it was able to make me feel whole again. Remind me that this was no nightmare and that I was awake. Wide awake. The stars in the velvet sky were real, the sound of the leaves in the gardens rustling was real, the warmth inside of me was real.

But even if it also reminded me that his absence was real, it would bring me back to the promise I had given him.

That I would be waiting for him…

I trusted him. I knew him. And so, in those beautiful, invigorating nights I'd sum up all the energy I needed to go through with all this.

And when I'd finally lay my head on my soft futon and close my eyes, my lips would whisper to the night that he would be back, letting me fall asleep with a smile of relief.

When out of the blue, one early morning of winter the nightmare turned into an unbelievable dream, a fairy tale come true…

He had come back. My captain had come back to me…

He was there, only a few steps away from me talking with Aika, Hidetoshi and Chiyo-chan, as if chatting about the latest gossip.

I couldn't take my eyes off the white-haired captain. How much I had missed those white bits of hair hiding his ears, which were proportionally slightly bigger compared to his face. My eyes followed the line of his jaw which looked firmer and his chin moving as he spoke.

I couldn't help a chuckle when I observed his lips… the lips whose burn I had forgotten on mine…

My lips parted in response to that thought and quickly I looked away hoping no one had noticed the blush on my cheeks. Especially Hitsugaya-taicho…

That moment I felt a pat on my shoulder and Kagetora appeared in front of me looking sideways at our captain.

"Didn't you go greet him?" he smiled and finally looked at me. His expression darkened the moment he saw mine. I tried to give my best and most sincere smile.

"I will. Sure! It's just… a whole line has formed who want to personally greet him, so I can wait!" I chuckled with the excuse I had come up with.

"Yeah." Kagetora murmured. "Well, Ito-san is going to give a speech for Hitsugaya-taicho's coming back. Hope you'll stay to hear it." he said and gave me a strange kind of smile, as if he had read through my mind but didn't want me to know that he knew. Or something like that.

"I will!" I said and he walked towards Hitsugaya-taicho and the others making his way with ease through the crowd.

I followed the 5th seated Shinigami with my eyes and wondered if he really knew that I was no longer thinking about Hitsugaya-taicho only in a professional way. And if he knew, could it be that the others knew as well…

I mean, every lieutenant would be sad and depressed if their captain just marched off one morning and has been gone for months, right? That alone couldn't possibly tell that I cared so much about my captain…

I furrowed my brows and rubbed my left forearm.

"Rangiku, you're losing it!" I muttered to myself and chuckled brushing my locks behind my shoulders to let the morning breeze freshen as more skin as possible. And that moment I looked back at my white-haired captain and noticed his eyes darting back to Hidetoshi who was talking to him animatedly.

I must have skipped a million heartbeats thinking that he had probably been watching me.

I bit my lower lip and felt like a little girl who had received so many presents on her birthday she couldn't ask for more than that.

That's when I was reassured that everything had been real, every single second of those past months. And that is when I realized that the time I had really been together with him was just a second compared to the time we had been apart.

Although it may sound lame, cliché, or pathetic, there really had not been a single day I hadn't thought of him. Not one.

Even though we were apart like the night and the day, I could virtually meet him through my memories with him, _our_ memories. And I also had the help of my friends, and Gato-kun's _reiatsu_ that would sprinkle my dreams with such vivid images of Hitsugaya-taicho.

The hope that he would return kept him with me, here in Seireitei. No matter how far apart we were, I knew that what I was feeling for him would always keep him in my soul. Because even the day and the night are never really apart. They are always linked with an eternal bond.

Hitsugaya-taicho was my night, he was my day…

And as I kept staring at him our eyes eventually met, and I swallowed with difficulty feeling something heavy on my chest. This time Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes didn't look away, he was holding me there, making me incapable of looking at anything or anyone else. My feet didn't listen to the little voice inside my head to stand still, as if a higher power controlled them. I found myself walking through the crowd of blurry faces while that pair of dark turquoise orbs with rings of teal was digging through me, and all I wanted was for him to really see through me, see my thoughts and all I felt for him, because my lips were too weak to speak in words.

I wanted him to see all that I've been through in the past months but still realize that nothing of it mattered. Because what I felt was a billion times greater and so much more important.

He had come back. In a hand's grasp from me, but I felt even weak to do that.

When I noticed his usual frown relax a bit did I halt to realize that everyone who was standing around us had stopped everything to stare at us.

I froze and my eyes looked around anxiously wishing they had stopped everything for a whole different reason than the one I thought they did. Maybe there was something in my hair, or maybe my kimono was ripped. I really hoped they were staring at me for those reasons, when Hitsugaya-taicho's voice luckily interrupted that uncomfortable silence.

"Matsumoto!" he muttered, his voice deep, slightly hoarse. Oh how long I hadn't listened to his voice…

"Hey… Hitsugaya-taicho!" I said, a bit too loud than needed and perhaps too cheerfully. I started fiddling with the sleeve of my kimono.

Hitsugaya-taicho glanced sideways and then looked back at me revealing a hint of a smile. My lips parted.

"I see the headquarters still stand!" he said and I stared at him with raised brows. He smirked and crossed his arms on his chest. How come I thought of every movement he made as so damn cute… get a grip Rangiku!

"The Division!" he added seeing he got no reply from me.

I chuckled and so did everybody else.

"Well-!"

Hidetoshi wrapped an arm over my shoulders and grinned.

"Matsumoto-san gave her all while you were away, taicho! At times we even thought she liked being the highest in rank around. A bit too much than she should, huh? Right, guys?" Hidetoshi turned to the crowd and they all agreed brightly.

Hitsugaya-taicho examined me with those eyes. Oh these eyes…

I fought the urge to punch Hidetoshi in the face as he patted my back.

"My dearest Hidetoshi-kun, if you don't take your hand off of me in the next two seconds I'll rip it off and hang it on the tree for the birds. Got it?" I hissed throwing him a killer-glance.

Hidetoshi furrowed his pierced brows in surprise and did as told.

But I hadn't meant a single word. Honestly, I should have thanked him for bringing me out of this uncomfortable position I had gotten myself into.

"Ok! Now that Hidetoshi mentioned this: Hitsugaya-taicho, I never sat once at your desk and never entered your private rooms. I never even thought of myself as captain once." Lie! "I was responsible and well-behaved." Another lie! " and discipline and hard work were my top priorities for this Division while you were, ehm, away!" another lie.

I heard some giggling around me. I smiled but it quickly faded away when I focused on my captain. Hitsugaya-taicho's expression turned serious as well.

"But Hidetoshi-kun is wrong. The ones who gave their all was everybody, not just me. If –" I clenched my fists and tried to stay calm as I watched him watching me. "if I were alone here, believe me, nothing of it would be standing!" Hidetoshi chuckled. "Thanks to everyone here, and all of our colleagues from the other Divisions, and the captains as well, we could function adequately to make sure everything ran smoothly." I smiled nervously and Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes flickered. "Because we all prayed every day that it would be the day Hitsugaya-taicho would return!"

I noticed many heads, if not all of them, nodding in agreement. I smiled feeling so warm with pride. Hitsugaya-taicho's arms fell on his sides and his eyes turned a darker turquoise.

"Taicho," I bent over and my hair fell over my face hiding everything from me and hiding my happy face from everyone. "I have kept my promise and… I want to personally welcome you back to Seireitei. Hitsugaya-taicho!"

Silence followed.

I could hear a few heavy breathes, but no response, so I waited there feeling the muscles of my back twitch with the uncomfortable position.

But then a warm hand touched my shoulder and I looked up to see Hitsugaya-taicho so close to me I could see myself in his beautiful eyes.

"Thank you, Matsumoto! Thank you for all you've done for the Division… for me!" his voice trailed away into a whisper and I felt a hesitation in his touch as he made a step back and looked at everyone who was watching.

"Thank you! I thank you all! I…" he chuckled and the sound made my skin crawl all over me. "This journey has been a real test to me and it turned out to be much more difficult than I thought it'd be." He glanced up at the morning sky. "But all I wanted to find out, I found it." he smiled a true smile and I felt like melting then and there, if only that smile had been given to me. But I knew well the reason of his journey, and it was crystal clear that this smile was dedicated to something and someone I'd never get to know…

Hitsugaya-taicho looked around at everyone who had gathered.

"You are a Division that would make any captain the proudest and luckiest in Seireitei! And I promise you from now on I will resume my duties of taking over this Division and taking care of you! Thank you, all!" he bent slightly and the crowd all cheered his name.

I laughed with the shock written all over his face and the people around him tightened the circle to greet him or hug him.

I tried to step back to give them all space, but in between the crowd of black-dressed Shinigami my eyes met his and I smiled at him hoping he's read my mind that told him that we would have our chance to talk in private.

He smiled.

Now that my captain was back, I would never leave his side again…

…

A little after noon, the entire 10th Division was gathered in the assembly room to have our lunch all together, like a family.

Everything was so loud. I hadn't heard the buildings of 10th Division so lively in a long time it sounded strange to the ears. Laughter, giggling, loud cheering and every second phrase contained Hitsugaya-taicho's name.

I couldn't help smiling all the time. It was like life had finally entered this place. Like a garden after the longest and dullest and most difficult winter. There was finally a little bit of sunshine to bring back the colors and the energy to sparkle the darkness it had gotten used to.

And I felt like the one flower that had been a step before drying out of sadness…

But it was over now.

There was no reason anymore to whimper over everything. Now things could return to their nice and smooth routine I knew. I could be the person I wanted to be…

Wearing my uniform I followed the crowd towards the assembly room which had been filled with many low tables and small cushions on the floor. It looked like a very plain restaurant and small lanterns hung from the ceiling to create playful shadows on the wooden walls.

As I walked through the slid open paper walls, I noticed Gato-kun standing in silence beside it.

I smiled at him and he tilted his head slightly downwards. Gato Masanori, the 6th seated Shinigami, had the habit of acting too formal in all kinds of situations, even with his colleagues. But I owed that man too much to scold him for that.

"What's up?" I teased him pushing him a little with my shoulder. His face blushed as his eyes darted lower than my face. I chuckled and grabbed his wrist to drag him towards the table where Hidetoshi and Kagetora were already sitting.

"Ehm, Matsumoto-san. I'm supposed to be seating with the lower ranks, since-!"

"Says who? I'm sure Hitsugaya-taicho never mentioned such a thing and, if you haven't forgotten I'm the _vice-captain_!" I pointed out my rank and winked at him. Although being dark-skinned, I could tell he was blushing even more and he followed me reluctantly.

"Hai." He muttered and sat next to me.

"Oh! Matsumoto-san! Gato-san!"

Kagetora and Hidetoshi offered us small cups and poured _sake_ in them.

"Here! Finally this place got vibrant again!" Hidetoshi grinned and placed the big glass bottle with _sake_ beside him. My eyes followed the bottle with the clear liquid in it and Hidetoshi noticed it.

"When you've drank up perhaps I'll give you more! Don't look at it like a starving dog looks at a piece of meat! If I give it to you you'll start drinking from the bottle!" he started laughing and Kagetora nodded in agreement.

"Right! We decided to get ourselves drunk, so let us enjoy this!" he said.

Gato-kun and I exchanged quick glances. I giggled.

"I never said that I wouldn't let you get drunk! On the contrary, I'm looking forward to it! But…" I leaned over the table to grab the bottle, but Hidetoshi was quicker and handed it next to him to Kagetora. They smirked.

"Hey!"

"No, no! This time, the only ones getting drunk on this table is us two!" Kagetora said. I could smell their breaths and wondered how much they had already drank by themselves.

"That is so unfair!" I made a face and crossed my arms in front of me. Gato-kun was watching us with interest.

"Judging by the fact that our beloved taicho is back, I'm afraid you won't leave us a single bottle for ourselves!" Hidetoshi said and drank up his cup. I frowned at him.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well… it's obvious that-" Hidetoshi glanced at Kagetora and they smiled at me nervously. "Anyway, I suggest you stay sober today!"

I raised my brows with the look on his face and looked at Kagetora seeing the same look he had been wearing earlier that morning… as if he _knew…_

My lips parted but I couldn't speak up. I didn't know what to say. I grunted under my breath.

"I don't like it at all when you speak with hints! Speak it clearly or don't speak at all!" I hissed at them over the table. Gato-kun flinched on his cushion.

Kagetora and Hidetoshi avoided my glare.

"Ok. Then don't speak! I don't give a damn about your opinions. Gossiping is everyone's right, but judging and making fun of people in front of their faces is swinishness!"

Kagetora looked up at me.

"Matsumoto-san, we didn't mean to insult you or anything."

"I think you shouldn't drink too much today." Hidetoshi added wearing a serious face to my surprise. "Wouldn't you want to rather have a clear head today? Today of all days? Now that Hitsugaya-taicho is back?"

I looked at Hidetoshi and then at Kagetora, who gave me a compassionate smile and then at Gato-kun who kept his apathetic look.

I furrowed my brows and sighed.

"You're unbelievable!" I shook my head and chuckled.

"We're aware of what's going on, Matsumoto-san." Hidetoshi said softly. I felt my heart beating faster and my face warming up with fear that my guess had been real; they knew, dammit they knew about what I was feeling…

"And that is why we won't let you drink, because we know how you turn up after. Just… consider staying sober, stay clear. Because, like you said this morning Matsumoto-san, our prayers have been heard. Don't waste this waiting for another drink. This you can have any time, but now…" Hidetoshi looked at Kagetora for help. And I looked at him as well, but it was Gato-kun who spoke, his eyes staring somewhere far away.

"Focus on something, or someone who is more important. Someone who deserves your attention more than this bottle of _sake._" He said in a low voice.

We all looked at him and the other two agreed.

Not only did they _know_, they were also giving me advice. I wanted to laugh and tell them that what they were saying was a lie, but at the same time I hated it that they were right. As if I had been seeking for this kind of romance-related advice for a long time now.

I've never told anyone about what I felt for Hitsugaya-taicho and about all that had developed between us. And now that someone had appeared who knew about it, I was afraid to actually admit it to a third party.

They were right…

I rubbed my temples and looked into my cup with _sake_.

"How long have you known?" I asked in a whisper.

"Since that day you wore your most beautiful kimono. You know, that red one!" Hidetoshi said and Kagetora nodded.

"That's right, when we had that welcome-back party here in the gardens!"

I remembered that day clearly, because it was the day I had kissed my captain for the first time…

"And we've known like forever that Hitsugaya-taicho values you the most. He always asks for your opinion and always takes you to his missions. He relies on you as if you were his equal, he never saw you as his subordinate." Hidetoshi and Kagetora exchanged glances and chuckled. "At least most of the times!"

I chuckled as well and looked at each one of them.

"Is it just me or does it sound like… you approve… _this_?" I couldn't help my voice sounding weak.

The three men smiled at me, even Gato-kun, and I felt like crying.

"Matsumoto-san!" Hidetoshi leaned over the table and squeezed my shoulder giving me a sad smile.

"Why shouldn't we approve it?" he asked innocently.

"Because he's the captain, idiot!" Kagetora spat.

"Huh? So? Does that mean a captain could never love someone? Because he's captain?" Hidetoshi clicked his tongue. "That's just non-logic! This way the highest in rank would be miserable for as long as they own that position! No, I don't agree with that. And besides, I've never ever heard of a rule or something that forbids any kind of relationship but professional between seated Shinigami!" he crossed his arms and Kagetora hid his face behind his palm helplessly.

"You're a total idiot, Hidetoshi! Think this then; imagine you're captain. How would you act if in one mission Motoni-san ended up getting severely injured?" Kagetora said sharply.

Hidetoshi flinched at the mention of his girlfriend's name, who was an unseated Shinigami of the 10th Division.

"What?"

"I asked how you'd react at this."

"I'd protect her, because she'd belong to my Division!"

"Still, she'd mean too much to you. She'd be an attachment that could endanger the entire mission and your Division's safety! These kinds of attachments could prove too risky and dangerous in such situations." Kagetora said.

I was watching him with parted lips feeling more and more miserable as all my fears of which I had never spoken of loudly were now becoming real in front of me. I wanted to break the table in two and shout out to everyone that I didn't care about my captain the way they thought I did…

Hidetoshi frowned and sank in his own thoughts. Gato-kun moved on his cushion to face us.

"As long as one keeps the balance, this kind of relationship can endure." He said. "If we cared about no one, we'd be like the Hollows we hunt down every day. Everyone needs someone in his life. Even the highest of the highest ranks. The energy someone we care about can provide us cannot be compared to the strongest Zanpakuto and the richest meal, not even the most exciting fight can be compared to it. That person's smile, that person's words, that person's presence only can make us feel like the strongest, luckiest and most important person in the world!"

I couldn't help the tears from gathering in my eyes as I watched Gato-kun's young face speak out these words.

My hands wanted to touch Hitsugaya-taicho's and my lips craved to speak to him, feel him and kiss him…

"Gato-san, you speak in a strange way…" Hidetoshi said with a bright smile. "but I could not agree more! You're absolutely right! Damn right, ha!" Hidetoshi raised his palm looking at Gato-kun and after a moment did the latter realize what he was doing. The two did the high-five and chuckled vibrantly.

"Remind me how we ended up speaking about my love-life?" I muttered tiredly.

Hidetoshi winked at me and laughed.

"It's all your fault, Matsumoto-san! For months you've been acting in a way that's not you and now Hitsugaya-taicho is back you want to pull away from him! You won't drink today and you will tell him the truth. And don't forget to tell him that we stand by your side! We all do! And if he attempts to hurt you, he'll have to learn a lesson or two! Right, guys?" he looked at Kagetora and Gato-kun and they both agreed with a hai.

I shook my head and waved my hand in the air.

"Neh, you're nuts! All of you!"

"Are you afraid then?"

I glared at Hidetoshi, but he didn't flinch an inch.

"Shut up!"

"Matsumoto-san! Promise that you'll behave today and won't let your fears take over you! You're much stronger than that!"

"What you're telling me is to act like a silly girl who feels butterflies in her stomach and little hearts popping out of her head and just go there and confess? In front of everyone? Are you fucki-!" I hissed but a deep voice interrupted me making my heart sink down to my legs.

"What are you swearing about again, Matsumoto?"

I turned around with a gasp to find Hitsugaya-taicho standing behind me with his casual frown over his eyes. I chuckled nervously.

"Taicho! Hey there!" I gave the quickest killer-glances at Hidetoshi, Kagetora and Gato-kun and then smiled brightly at Hitsugaya-taicho who was dressed in his captain's uniform.

"Are you drunk again?" he asked as he made himself comfortable opposite me next to Kagetora. Aika appeared out of nowhere and grinned at us.

"Matsumoto-san is drunk again?" she asked jokingly. I sighed and lifted my cup with _sake _and gave it to her with a frown.

"Have it! If all of you are going to make fun of me, I won't give you another reason to. I promise I won't touch a single drop of _sake_ today!" I announced and Aika took the drink with pleasure drinking it with ease.

I felt jealous, but when I met Hitsugaya-taicho's glance it didn't matter anymore.

My friends were right. And for a change, I decided to listen to them.

Gato-kun's words were stuck in my head the entire time; I could see it, feel it. Just by glancing at my white-haired captain I couldn't help the grins appearing the one after the other on my face, to a point my cheeks started hurting. I still couldn't believe that he was here, in the same room as me, sitting opposite me, throwing glances at me when he thought I wasn't watching.

That game made me get the goose bumps every minute and I really felt more alive and the most important person in Soul Society… thanks to that man…

Aika, the 4th seated Shinigami of our Division, stood up and walked to the center of the assembly room only a few steps from our table. Her blonde locks had grown longer falling beautifully over her small shoulders and her small eyes sparkled behind her thick glasses. She smiled brightly and linked her hands in front of her thighs.

"Thank you everyone for gathering here to welcome back our beloved little captain!" everyone chuckled at that and I started giggling behind my palm. Hitsugaya-taicho threw me a killer-glance. But I could tell that it wasn't as intense as it used to be a long time ago…

"Hitsugaya-taicho is back!" Aika announced.

"We know that!" someone interrupted from the crowd. Everyone started laughing. At this pace, she would never finish her speech and I filled my new cup with tea instead of _sake_. Hitsugaya-taicho looked at me and the corner of his mouth moved slightly, as if he was fighting not to smile. I hid my face behind the steaming cup and smiled.

"So, Hitsugaya-taicho, on behalf of every Shinigami of 10th Division I'd like to welcome you, again, and please do take care of us! We look forward to getting used to your bossing around again and your way of running things here!" she bent over and shouted a thank you.

"Why do you all keep saying thank you?" Hitsugaya-taicho asked with a smirk.

Aika looked over at him and smiled a sincere smile.

"Because… because time passed by. Days became weeks, weeks became months and there was still no sign of Hitsugaya-taicho. No matter how much trust we all placed in you, there was always the doubt and the fear. Matsumoto-san was a perfect substitute for a captain, she ran things the way Hitsugaya-taicho would. And we all gave our best so that this Division stayed the same 10th Division everyone knew." Aika's voice became slightly deeper and her eyes flickered over the room. "I must admit, and I'm talking about myself now, that… that I broke down. There was a time I thought this Division would change and wouldn't be the home I cared about anymore. 10th Division will never be the same without Hitsugaya-taicho, no matter how good another captain would be!"

Hitsugaya-taicho furrowed his brows as he stared at Aika.

"No one of us knew the real reason you left. It was said you left for a personal mission of yours…" Aika wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and chuckled. "But it doesn't matter why you left. You said this morning that you found all you needed to find… and you're back! That's all that matters! You came back, that's why we all thank you!" she said and there was a friendly applause.

Aika smiled and sat down on the table next to ours.

Her eyes were still filled with tears and I looked through the corners of my eyes at Hitsugaya-taicho. He was looking at Aika and then he looked around at everyone else, as if he had just realized how much faith his Division had in him.

Every Division of the Gotei 13 functioned in its own unique way, because they supported different ideas and were run by different individuals with different personalities. But I didn't know many Divisions that had such a strong bond between its people.

I doubted it that Zaraki-taicho believed in his subordinates as much as Hitsugaya-taicho did, and I was sure he never saw them as a family. The same went for my least likable captain of the Gotei 13, Kurotsuchi Mayuri, 12th Division's captain. Perhaps it was because of my personal experiences with that man, but on a Shinigami's point of view, Kurotsuchi was not the kind of man who would let emotions interfere with his job.

Hitsugaya-taicho depended on us, just like we depended on him. And even if this created this sort of attachment Kagetora had mentioned earlier which could endanger the safety of the Division, it was also the sort of attachment that made us strong. It was pure logic; many are stronger than one.

And I could see it in Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes. He could see it as well.

For such a long time he had been a soul that lived in solitude, he grew up depending on no one but himself… but now he no longer needed to be that person. The weight on his shoulder could lessen, and that was clear on his young face.

"_Kanpai!_" everyone cheered and raised their cups and glasses and the room was filled with laughter, voices and cheers.

Everyone on our table did the same and we all looked at our captain with bright and proud smiles, and Hitsugaya-taicho smiled back with eyes wet but happy.

…

* * *

**Thank you for reading and i look forward to your comments, good or bad, all are welcome!**

**By the way, _kanpai_ means like cheers when they raise glasses. **

**I know this chapter is still a bit dramatic and melancholic perhaps, but i think it suited the atmosphere; Toushiro is back and he had been gone for so long. And it also fitted my mood for coming back with this story ;)**

**From next chapter, there'll be many many moments between Toushirou and Rangiku! Yeahy, romance 3**

**Until next time xxx**


	40. Reasons to Smile

**Hello dear readers**

**thank you so much for all your beautiful reviews, it was so nice to hear from you all again!**

**And to answer to _LuvrOfHitsuMatsu _Rangiku's brother is an important part of the story and I'm preparing a comeback for him :)**

**Please enjoy!**

* * *

**Part 4 – Let's make memories together**

**Reasons to smile**

"Did you see that?"

"What?"

"Hitsugaya-taicho looking at Matsumoto-fukutaicho!"

"Oh! Yeah, how cute was that?"

Giggling. And sighing. And giggling. Everyone apparently had seen the glances exchanged between the two higher-ranks of 10th Division and everyone had to express their opinion about it. And Toushirou didn't like that at all.

Right after returning from a journey that had tested him, brought him to such limits and revealed to him things he could have never imagined, becoming the center of such attention felt like suddenly landing in a total different universe.

But his past, his _living _life, and his present were indeed two different worlds and two different times.

He kept his glare from shooting at everyone whom he heard mentioning his or his lieutenant's name. That would be more than rude, considering all they had prepared for him; the gathering at the assembly room, the speech of Ito Aika, the music, the food. So, he avoided looking at anyone and headed straight to his office after half of his Division had ended up wasted from the _sake _that was pouring in the middle of the day.

It was also a chance to get away from this commotion taking place around him and give himself time to get used to this all. Living in solitude for so long had messed up with his head.

But on the other hand, he was also more than glad to be back, to find out so many people that were glowing with happiness because he had returned, and above all to find out that they had put all of their faith in him.

Yet, even the happiness and the words of loyalty from a thousand people wouldn't match against _her _words, _her _bright smile and _her _happiness…

Toushirou found himself standing in front of the closed door of his office smiling stupidly at nobody. He shook his head to bring his self back to its senses and entered the office with a sigh shutting the door.

His heart was beating wild and he felt like walking on legs of rubber. He barely trusted himself to walk to his chair, and when he turned around he almost cried of shock, but the sound never came out of his lips.

He saw his own self smiling back at him. He was though much taller than him and his hair seemed longer.

Toushirou frowned wondering who on earth had come up with the idea of building a Hitsugaya Toushirou out of paper and with such a silly smile. All around it were small pieces of paper hanging with everyone's handwriting.

He recognized at once Hinamori's handwriting saying how much she missed him and how she reminisced their early years in Junrinan district with their grandmother. There were more inscriptions from Shinigami from other Divisions, like from Abarai Renji of 6th Division, Kusajishi Yachiru of 11th Division and Kira Izuru of 3rd Division.

Toushirou smirked at each idiot's stupid words, which he was sure they would have never told him face to face. No way the proud and masculine Abarai would tell him how much he missed his cute punk hair, and no way the low-profile and always trembling Kira would tell him how much he missed his clever conversations and beautiful company.

For a moment, Toushirou thought that perhaps a specific someone had convinced them to write down such embarrassing words. So he searched for her handwriting and ended up finding it next to his paper-self's cheek.

"Out the window, snow is falling. White everywhere I look…" he muttered as he read the words.

He furrowed his brows and searched over the many pieces of paper to find her handwriting again. He found another one under his paper-self's left hand.

"Won't you come and see loneliness… just one leaf on the _kiri _tree." His voice trailed away and he looked around the pieces of paper as his breath grew heavier.

But suddenly the door opened and closed quickly that Toushirou felt like waking up from a dream.

When he turned around to see who the intruder was, he felt like missing a million heartbeats as he saw long dark blonde locks over a black-dressed curvy figure. She turned around slowly, and when he met her one eye his lips parted.

Her smile faded away as she realized who she was looking at. Matsumoto straightened her back and turned towards him brushing some bits of hair out of her beautiful, flawless face.

"Ah, taicho! Sorry for-for not knocking! I-!" she chuckled nervously and Toushirou noticed her cheeks turning a deeper pink. She pointed at the shut door avoiding his stare. "I was trying to get away from Hidetoshi and Aika, they… I lost a bet and… anyway! Why are you here?"

Toushirou finally looked away from her captivating eyes and rubbed the back of his neck. He walked to his desk and sank in his chair.

"You mean, why I am here? In _my _office?"

Matsumoto raised her brows and chuckled.

"Hmm, yeah! Sorry! Then I… I shall leave you to it!" she turned around to open the door, but Toushirou spoke up sitting up in his chair causing her to stop midway.

"Did you make this?" he asked in an undertone.

Matsumoto didn't turn around to face him as her hand rested on the door knob.

Toushirou could feel her being uncomfortable, because so was he… but he had waited for too long and now he finally had a moment alone with her…

"Make what?" she asked in a serious tone.

"That paper version of your captain!" he said glancing at his idiotic smile. He wondered if he had ever smiled like this.

Matsumoto's shoulders shook as she giggled.

"You hate it don't you?"

"I hate the smile!" he admitted.

"It was actually Aika's idea. I think it looks… well, not you!" she laughed, finally looking back at him and Toushirou felt his breathing stop. He quickly looked away.

"My eyes are too big!" he said observing that cartoon version of him.

"And the hair too long!" Matsumoto added looking at the same direction.

"Really now, do I smile like this?" he made a face of disapproval and Matsumoto must have seen it because she chuckled hiding her mouth behind her palm.

"No!"

Their eyes met again, and stayed longer there, one travelling into the other's orbs…

"I read what you wrote." he told her honestly.

Matsumoto smiled softly at him glancing at the pieces of paper. She hadn't made a step from the door, as if she wanted to stay close to her only exit. Toushirou wanted to sit up and walk towards her, but he was afraid as well. Perhaps more afraid than she was. And he didn't know why, since this was what he wanted the most at the moment; to be with her, just her…

"Did it snow here?" he asked, to change the conversation a little.

Matsumoto furrowed her brows.

"One _haiku_ said _Out of the window, snow is falling_ and I assumed it had snowed here too."

Matsumoto seemed to loosen up and she finally stepped away from the door towards the sofa in the middle of the room.

"No… unfortunately it didn't! It is a matter of speech." She looked down at her hands as she put them on the back of the sofa. Toushirou caught a glimpse of her golden chain sparkling around her long neck. "Since I know how much you love it when it snows!"

Toushirou stood up and Matsumoto looked at him with surprise.

"I'm sorry!" he said out of the blue clenching his fists on the desk. "I'm sorry for leaving! I'm sorry for burdening you with the weight of running an entire Division! I'm sorry for breaking my promise! I'm sorry!" he grunted under his breath and waited there for his anger to pass away. But it didn't.

"Taicho!"

"I promised to never leave your side! I promised to never make you cry! But I left… I was selfish, I-!"

Out of nowhere, he felt her. Her hand was around his neck and her eyes were looking into his with tears resting around the corners. Her fleshy lips were parted and muttered the words he would never forget.

"Don't say those words. You came back! You promised me that we would make our own memories! That promise you kept, Hitsugaya-taicho! You are here with me! _That_ is all that matters!"

Toushirou touched her hand that was burning on his neck and brushed a lock from her forehead. She smiled at him and he leaned closer to her feeling so warm and so happy it felt unfair that so much happiness could gather inside of him in a single moment.

"Matsumoto…"

"What is it, taicho?"

"I will never leave you again!" he whispered.

Matsumoto kissed him softly, and too quickly that Toushirou hadn't had the time to shut his eyes.

"Don't worry, taicho! Let's leave the promises for today, hm?"

Toushirou chuckled and closed his eyes touching his forehead on hers.

"Sure!"

"Taicho?" Matsumoto furrowed her brows.

"Yeah?"

"Did you… gain height or something?"

Toushirou tilted his head slightly as he looked at her.

"What?"

"I swear you're taller! Before you left your head reached my breasts! Now… why are you taller? What did you eat there?"

"Matsumoto!"

"What? I'm serious!"

Toushirou leaned back and sank back on his chair glaring up at his lieutenant who was watching him from head to toe and up with curiosity.

"You really can kill the mood, can't you?" Toushirou crossed his arms on his chest and glanced at the window when suddenly everything darkened and his lips felt something velvety soft and slightly wet. And then everything else disappeared in the glimpse of an eye.

He drowned into the most beautiful kiss he had ever experienced.

Matsumoto had leaned over his desk touching his cheek with one warm palm. He felt the goose bumps, he felt shivers up and down his spine, he felt everything he never thought he would feel again. And he kissed back listening to Matsumoto's breathing growing heavier, louder…

"What did you say?" she asked in a husky voice cutting the kiss too suddenly.

Toushirou stood up from his chair digging his fingers through her silky hair.

"Nothing!" he whispered in heavy breaths and began kissing her in the same passionate way she had.

He felt her lips smiling and he smiled back without breaking the most beautiful kiss she could give him and he could give her…

…

It was a little before sundown that Hitsugaya-taicho and I left the privacy of our office- so good we shared one office which no one else could enter without permission- and I was floating on fluffy clouds grinning at everyone and everything, whether it was another Shinigami, a fly zooming past my ear or the walls of the barracks of 10th Division.

I was madly happy as I was walking beside my captain, who was blushing uncontrollably everytime he glanced at me.

"Can you stop doing that?" he muttered sharply in an undertone.

"Stop doing what?" I asked with a wide smile.

"The grinning, the bouncing. All that shouts out what you and I… we-! Argh, never mind!" he grunted and made quicker steps to walk past me. I furrowed my brows and caught up with him.

"I'm sorry! I got carried away!" I chuckled, but he threw me a glance causing me to stop. I cleared my throat noticing that we were standing under the gate of the Division's buildings. The one guard who was sitting on a chair was napping with a magazine hiding his face.

"Where are you going?" I asked him, feeling a pinch inside of me.

Hitsugaya-taicho looked at me with a calmer expression making me smile.

"I have to report at the Captain-Commander. I have been here almost one day and I haven't reported back."

"Well, it's not like they haven't sensed your _reiatsu_!" I said casually, but the idea that he would leave again ate me from the inside. I tried though to hide my fear and gave him a quick kiss on his cheek.

Hitsugaya-taicho faked a cough looking around nervously.

"Matsumoto!" he hissed.

"I'll be waiting!" I told him and was about to walk back to the office when Hitsugaya-taicho grabbed my wrist.

"Want to come with me?"

I raised my brows.

"At the 1st Division?"

Hitsugaya-taicho nodded, his hand still holding mine.

"To meet the Captain-Commander?"

Hitsugaya-taicho rolled his eyes.

"Yes. Are you coming then?"

At once I smiled, brightly.

"Yes! Of course!" I was about to squeeze him in my arms but he stepped back defensively glancing over at the sleeping guard.

"He's in his ninth dream, don't worry about him!" I whispered with a laugh.

"Yeah, but-!"

"Let's go and forget about him!" I grabbed his arm under mine and we walked nonchalantly through the gate.

"And why on earth do you need me there at your meeting with Yamamoto-sotaicho?" I asked grinning again at the reddish sky. "Afraid to face the old man, aren't ya? He can be scary! He _is _scary, actually!" I muttered.

"Like hell I'd leave you again." Hitsugaya-taicho said with a serious grim face and I looked at him with parted lips. He glanced up at me quickly. "I… don't want to leave you again." He mumbled.

I couldn't help but smile at that and instead of squeezing him entirely, I squeezed his arm and leaned my head on his feeling the happiest and calmest I had felt in a long time.

"Thank you!" I whispered to him and I felt him relaxing in my touch as we slowly made our way towards the south of the Soukyoku hill, where the office of the Captain-Commander of the Gotei 13 was.

We walked in silence for some time, but it was not the uncomfortable silence between two people. It was the silence that was filled with all those feelings and emotions that did not need to be expressed with words. They just lingered over us, around us, like beautiful butterflies carrying all that we felt about each other and caressing our skin and our senses.

For the first time I did not feel lonely and alone in this quietness. Moments of the nights I had spent during the winter flashed behind my eyelids and the despair and the sorrow pierced through me, but I shoved all those memories away. I didn't want them anymore to shadow the happiness that coloured the present.

He was here by my side, and he was happy. He smiled at me when our eyes met, and we chuckled.

Oh yes… I was happy…

"I have the list ready. With everyone that has applied to have their seat re-evaluated and everyone who I thought could deserve a different rank." I said casually referring to one of the many jobs I had been responsible of in the absence of my captain.

"Ok, I'll have a look through it tomorrow morning."

"I think we should use the method of the simulation-mission! It's always fun to see how people act while you watch and know it's all fake!" I laughed remembering when I had been sent once on a mission which ended up never being real, despite it feeling too real. This had happened many years ago, before I had received the seat of the lieutenant. Those were really difficult and stressful times that I was glad I never needed to repeat such simulations, since I had achieved reaching the highest, in my opinion, rank I could reach.

"It is an option." Hitsugaya-taicho said simply. "But I prefer real missions. This way either me or you can participate and evaluate real situations. Besides real experiences are important for one to improve as a Shinigami."

"Participate, huh?" I mumbled, not really liking the idea. It had been so long since I was sent on a real mission. Luckily, thanks to Abarai-san and company, I had the chance to keep my abilities from rusting in the office.

"Maybe you'd like to take the chance and be re-evaluated as well!" Hitsugaya-taicho said smirking at me.

I sighed.

"Oh, you just returned from a journey that lasted months and the conversation goes back to that! Dear me!"

"Well, during this time you had the chance to see what it's like to be the head of an entire Division. Did you find it difficult?" he asked.

I looked up at the sky turning a dark purple with the warmth of the orange sunrays still lingering in the west.

"Well… I wouldn't say that the job itself was difficult…"

"Was it boring?"

"Yes!" I said nodding brightly.

Hitsugaya-taicho chuckled. I fought the urge of kissing him the way he smiled brightly.

"I was sure you'd say that!"

"Huh?"

"But you managed it perfectly! Despite it being so boring."

He smirked again and I wanted to grab him and squeeze him to make him stop making fun of me.

"I believe you are underestimating yourself." He said causing my thoughts to stop swirling.

I furrowed my brows.

"Hitsugaya-taicho…" he looked at me while I looked away. "I managed it this time because I was doing it for a different reason. I was actually doing it to make you proud. I wanted you to see how… how important I was for you. I wanted you to need me and… well, to be honest by working all the time I kept myself from thinking of you. Most of the times at least!"

His look was serious, slightly shadowed under his white brows. When I looked at him his eyes flickered.

At once I regretted it being too honest. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel bad for leaving.

"I'm sorry, I-!"

"It's ok." He said with a soft smile. "I understand."

"I didn't mean that…. I support the reason you left, and-!"

"Really, Matsumoto!" he assured me with a sincere smile and stopped walking to face me. "I should be the one apologizing for insisting on that matter. If it is possible, I would always want you next to me. If it weren't for you, the Division wouldn't trust me and believe in me the way they do. Even if you hadn't managed it those months as the highest in rank, I would still think highly of you. I… I do need you. I always needed you!"

I felt my eyes watery and I looked away to avoid tears from flowing.

"I just want you to not think of this as something that would keep you back. I don't want you to keep yourself back because of what I say. Think of yourself first. And believe me that I don't see it as a selfish act. You deserve it. And the people of 3rd Division would be the luckiest to be living and working under a Shinigami like you!"

Dammit, the tears did fall and I chuckled wiping them straight away. But he had seen them, and I blushed as he smiled.

"Stop talking such sweet words! I can't stand it!" I joked and looked up at the sky inhaling deeply through my nose.

"Ok, I'm sorry!"

I chuckled.

"You're too adorable!"

Hitsugaya-taicho widened his eyes and threw me a sharp look.

"Oh, man! No wonder I fell so hard for you!" I mumbled and walked ahead hiding my face in my palms not knowing whether I should cry or laugh with happiness.

…

Toushirou was left dumbfounded, staring at her golden locks dancing on her back as she walked away.

Her words echoed in his ears and he couldn't respond. His lips were parted and he felt like he was somewhere above watching down at him and his funny expression of surprise and shock, much like he had been watching his paper-vision in his office earlier.

When Matsumoto looked at him over her shoulder did he manage to make his legs move so that they could reach the office of the Captain-Commander at some point.

As they walked he tried to meet her eyes, but she was determined to look at anything but him, so he gave up, just listening to her chit-chatting and participated every now and then. But her words still rang in his head and a flame that had been gently burning inside of him was fighting to escape and turn all the logic in him into ashes.

The sky was painted with a dark navy blue when they reached the buildings of the 1st Division.

The guards at the main gate bowed slightly as they walked past them.

Toushirou walked at the front, while Matsumoto followed silently next to him a few steps behind.

At the entrance Sasakibe Choujirou, the lieutenant of 1st Division, welcomed them. He was slightly taller than Matsumoto with a sharp gaze and short grayish hair. Over the standard Shinigami uniform he wore a _jinbaori_, similar to the _haori_ all captains of the Gotei 13 wore. Under the serious and responsible face he wore as the lieutenant of the Captain-Commander, he was a nice and funny person with his own bizarreness.

With a bow towards Toushirou he gestured them to follow him up the big stairs that led to the higher floors where Yamamoto-sotaicho's office was.

"The Captain-Commander has been waiting for you." He said as they walked through numerous halls surrounded by paper walls.

"I know." Toushirou replied simply and felt glad for having Matsumoto by his side as he would face the powerful Captain-Commander.

He remembered when he had announced to Yamamoto-sotaicho his decision to leave his post as 10th Division's captain in favor of his journey. The look he had gained from the elder captain had felt like the sharpest and smallest blade through his guts; with every little movement he could feel it piercing through him, again and again.

But in the end he had accepted Toushirou's request, even though all he had managed was to increase the weight of guilt on his shoulders.

Now he had to face him again and reassure his seat as 10th Division's captain. As Sasakibe halted in front of a pair of wooden doors with the emblem of 1st Division he glanced at his _haori_ and wondered whether he should have worn it in the first place, since practically at the moment he was not a captain.

He glanced sideways at Matsumoto who knew nothing of it and feared how she'd react when she'd hear about it. But when he received a confident smile and wink from her his worries shrank and he felt more confident.

The three of them walked through the doors and an amazingly spacious room was revealed before them. In the centre stood a single desk with a big chair that was decorated with beautiful, detailed carvings. Nothing else was in this huge room, but a single figure standing with his back towards them gazing down at Seireitei.

The office of the Captain-Commander had the most beautiful view over Seireitei which looked like silver buildings with thousands of fireflies sparkling over them. In a great distance the walls that surrounded and divided Seireitei from Rukongai were barely visible as a line of silver stone.

Toushirou halted in the middle of the room and caught Matsumoto and Sasakibe bowing with the corner of his eye.

"Yamamoto-sotaicho!" Toushirou said aloud bowing slightly and awaiting the elder to face him.

The Captain-Commander was a man that made you want to feel alert, yet his gaze could calm down all of your senses with the depth and wisdom they possessed, but tonight all Toushirou could think of was what Matsumoto would think of him once she'd hear what the true situation was.

She would see how far he had gone just so he could accomplish that journey of his. Maybe he'd disappoint her, maybe she wouldn't mind, but he needed her there, just like he had confessed to her previously. And, in addition to that, Matsumoto was his back plan.

"Hitsugaya-taicho… welcome back!" Yamamoto-sotaicho said casually finally facing them and walking calmly towards them. His small slated eyes met Matsumoto and he gave her a gentle smile. "Matsumoto-san! Good to see you again!"

Toushirou tried to keep his face calm, but inside he was shaking. He couldn't help but sense a mocking tension in the way the elder Shinigami had used the honorific at him.

"Yamamoto-sotaicho!" Matsumoto bowed her head and looked straight at him.

"Such a beautiful night! The essence of spring finally reached our threshold. I am looking forward to this year's spring!" he said glancing back at the clear night.

"And 10th Division was already celebrating." He looked over his shoulder at them with a smirk which moved his beard funnily. "But 10th Division had a very good reason for celebrating, hadn't they?"

Toushirou heard Matsumoto chuckling and he envied her for being so comfortable and casual.

"Hai, Sotaicho!"Matsumoto agreed. "Our captain returned, and we knew he would come back to us eventually!"

Toushirou kept his eyes from looking at her. Yamamoto-sotaicho looked at him shortly before looking back at the night over Seireitei.

"Hitsugaya-taicho. You returned to stay." Toushirou couldn't tell if it was a question or a statement, but he feared to speak so he nodded.

"You completed your mission?" this time the elder Shinigami looked at him.

"Hai. I did." He said. "And I am here to stay."

Yamamoto-sotaicho smiled slightly, his moustache rising on one corner.

"I would like to receive the seat of 10th Division's captain back!" Toushirou finally said, sensing a movement from Matsumoto after he sensed the flickering in her _reiatsu_.

Yamamoto-sotaicho approached the white-haired Shinigami and hid his hands in the sleeves of his black uniform.

"Hitsugaya-taicho. You feared that you'd return and find the Gotei 13 turn their back to you?"

Toushirou frowned feeling suddenly all the confidence he had built up tumbling down.

"I left my seat in order to fulfill a personal mission of mine, one that had nothing to do with matters of the Gotei 13 or Seireitei. And I had been gone for long… I was left with the impression that my position was in a doubtful state." He admitted.

Matsumoto made a step forward looking straight at Yamamoto-sotaicho with a frown of confusion.

"Yamamoto-sotaicho, I apologize for interfering, but… is this true? Is Hitsugaya-taicho not a captain?" she asked with obvious tension in her voice.

Toushirou avoided looking at her.

"Since none of us knew the true nature of this personal mission of Hitsugaya-taicho, the captains of the Gotei 13 had to make a reassurance. It was agreed that the position would remain empty for six months. Actually it was Hitsugaya-taicho's idea in the first place. Please correct me if I'm wrong!" He looked back at Toushirou.

"No, you are right Yamamoto-sotaicho!"

"How long has it been, Matsumoto-san?"

Toushirou froze and so did Matsumoto, who reluctantly replied after some quiet uncomfortable moments.

"Six months and two days, sir."

Toushirou lowered his gaze feeling his pulse growing rapid.

"But that doesn't mean that Hitsugaya-taicho has lost his seat! Yamamoto-sotaicho, I am sure you made this agreement in case-in case Hitsugaya-taicho never returned again! But he did, so the seat belongs to him and him only! Nobody can run 10th Division better than him!" Matsumoto argued with clenched fists.

"Matsumoto!" Toushirou hissed under his breath to warn her, but instead she made another step forward drawing Yamamoto-sotaicho's gaze on her.

"Matsumoto-san, you know the reason you are here tonight, don't you?"

"I am 10th Division's lieutenant and I am here to support my captain, who is here! Standing beside me. Like he always has!" she said proudly and stepped back again, next to Toushirou.

He looked at her but she had her gaze fixed on Yamamoto.

Toushirou took a deep breath and looked up at the elder Shinigami who was smirking under his moustache.

"Matsumoto-san is absolutely right! This decision was indeed a measure of emergency we needed to take, for the normal flow of things and, well, to reassure some restless minds! But I am not so strict and stubborn!" Yamamoto-sotaicho chuckled and brushed his fingers over his long beard. "Hitsugaya-taicho shall return to his seat as 10th Division's captain!"

Toushirou couldn't help but smile and so did Matsumoto.

"Thank you, Yamamoto-sotaicho!"

"But still, my being generous, doesn't mean that I have forgotten what you did, Hitsugaya-taicho. I sense a change in you and the fact that you have been away from things for so long keeps me in doubt. I cannot persuade you to tell me what this mission was about, what you found out, where you went and whom you met, but I must know if you are still the same Hitsugaya you were when you left."

"What do you mean, sir?"

Yamamoto tilted his head upwards without taking his eyes off of him, and this time they were criticizing him.

"Matsumoto-san, although I have made this question to you before, I'd like to take the liberty and ask it once again. Do you know the reason Hitsugaya-taicho had to go to such limits and abandon his seat as captain in order to leave Seireitei?"

Matsumoto looked at Toushirou and then back at Yamamoto who was looking at her expectantly.

"For personal reasons. And they were truly important to him, or else he would never have left like this."

"Hitsugaya-taicho, you must know that no captain of the Gotei 13 has ever dared doing something like that. And in some rare occasions, they never returned back again. Personal missions are the most dangerous ones, and the ones we find it difficult to let go." Yamamoto looked at both Toushirou and Matsumoto with furrowed brows. "The fact that you returned back most possibly means that the matter that came up has been solved?"

"Hai." Toushirou nodded remembering every single moment he had spent on that snow-covered mountain in the far north learning and finding out about his past, his _living _life…

"You had quite some nerve doing what you did!" Yamamoto said with a smirk. "And as it is not the first time this happens under my time as Captain-Commander I find it rather… unsettling."

Toushirou lowered his gaze as he remembered the time Ichimaru Gin, former captain of the 3rd Division had disappeared one day after he had looked down and mocked at everyone in Seireitei, not only his Division and the Gotei 13, but also the beautiful woman who was standing beside him.

"But you are different from the others, Hitsugaya-taicho. You are young, but you are wise." Yamamoto looked at Toushirou and nodded at him with a reassuring way. "Welcome back to Seireitei, Hitsugaya-taicho!"

Toushirou pressed his lips tight and bowed.

"Thank you, Yamamoto-sotaicho!"

Matsumoto bowed as well.

"Choujirou, I think it's time for some tea, isn't it?" Yamamoto looked at his lieutenant and sat in his chair nonchalantly as Toushirou and Matsumoto followed Sasakibe to the door.

As the two of them slowly made their way back home, they were silent, and only when the buildings of the 1st Division were out of sight did Matsumoto finally speak.

"That was close!" she laughed stretching her arms over her head.

"Yeah…" Toushirou sighed and looked up at her. "Thank you, even if you were rude back there!"

"Rude? Me? Ha, the one who was rude was Yamamoto-sotaicho. Ha, threatening to fire you from captain! Can he even do that?"

"Sure he can! He almost did!" Toushirou raised his brows.

"I think he was teasing with you! I mean, because you were gone, he had to endure me during the captains' meeting! Even Kira couldn't stand me!"

Toushirou furrowed his brows.

"There was a captains' meeting?"

Matsumoto nodded.

"Yeah, about some massive attacks of Menos Grande in the north. Kuchiki-san and Soifon-san were appointed for the mission. I remember even Abarai returning heavily injured! He stayed locked in the 4th Division's buildings for two whole weeks the poor guy!"

Toushirou looked down at the stony road remembering the village that had been attacked by Menos Grande, and Kuchiki and Abarai appearing the minute he had needed assistance the most. Toushirou glanced at Matsumoto wondering if she knew that Kuchiki and Abarai had met him there, and if Kuchiki had mentioned his demand that Toushirou followed them back to Seireitei.

But she looked too casual.

He sighed and clenched his fists under his wide sleeves.

"Matsumoto… I would like to talk to you about what happened." He told her.

Matsumoto smilingly looked at him.

"About what?"

"My journey."

Matsumoto halted and so did Toushirou. Her expression darkened.

"Of course you can tell me."

"But… this journey didn't only have to do with _my_ past."

Matsumoto furrowed her brows. Toushirou observed her eye-colour turning a darker shade of grayish blue and he swallowed with difficulty knowing that not far away from here, one of Matsumoto's most important people was waiting with great expectations…

"It also had to do with your past, Matsumoto!"

Matsumoto's lips parted and her fingers started fiddling with the dark pink sash that hung around her shoulders.

"What are you talking about?"

"During my journey I came across some things from your past, and… and you have the right to know them."

Matsumoto looked down.

"Are you ok?" he asked her touching her hand gingerly.

"Do you mind telling me?" she asked with her deep voice.

"Of course. But it is a long story though."

Matsumoto nodded and smiled but it was a sad smile. Toushirou touched her neck and stepped on the tip of his toes to kiss her lips gently, so that he could reassure her that what he would tell her about her past was nothing sad, that it was good news, and that he would be there for her. Always.

…

* * *

**... ^_^**

**I would like to add that the haiku (japanese little poems) are not mine, but i had found them a long time ago in the web and thought they fitted the story at that point- i have no idea who originally wrote them.**

**Hopefully you enjoyed it. Next chapter coming up soon!**


	41. Little Sister

**Part 4 – Let's make memories together**

**Little Sister**

How many times have I wished to bring back time and relive those distant innocent years of my childhood? The once never-ending days of freedom in the company of my brothers under the hawk's watch of our mother…

How many times have I wished to meet my father again? A wish that had come true, even if it had not been my father, but the product of all the pain and sorrow that surrounded my memories of him… an unforgotten soul.

How many times have I wished to see my dear grandma's confident and filled with hope and optimism smile again?

How many times have I rewound the night my house was attacked? The moment the rooftop collapsed over my mother taking her life… the moment those men had slaughtered my father in front of my own eyes…

And how many times have I blamed myself for being weak…

But after years and years of trying to forget and focus in my present life as a Shinigami and accept this second chance that was given me, the past still found a way to come back into my life at times. Like a forgotten old wound that opened up again, and it hurt.

Even in this second life I was given, it was still not safe to be nostalgic, because the past always found a way to return…

And this night was one of those times…

My past had crawled back into my life, not as another unforgotten soul, not even as guilty thoughts I had created for myself… no, this time it had returned in flesh and bones, if I could use these words in this spiritual world.

I was at loss.

Inside the cozy private rooms of Hitsugaya-taicho, with the company of the dim candles and lanterns hanging from the ceiling, I was staring at nothing in particular, because I was trying to remember their faces: Hikaru's, my father's, my mother's, my grandma's… and Osamu's…

I have no idea how long I just sat there on the tatami floor, opposite my white-haired captain. How long I was like a statue with the exception that I was breathing, though slowly. How long I needed to bring back details of my second older brother's face, the sound of his voice, the way he walked, the way he moved when he practiced fighting with the wooden stick against our father…

Hitsugaya-taicho said something, but I didn't really listen.

At some point I caught myself trying to find my living brother's- according to Hitsugaya-taicho- _reiatsu_, but I didn't know what it felt like, and maybe it wasn't even strong, especially if he really was staying at my captain's grandmother's place.

My palm landed on my parted lips and finally I looked up into Hitsugaya-taicho's eyes.

"What?" my lips muttered, even if this was not what I wanted to ask. I didn't even know what I wanted to ask…

For so long I had hoped that I'd meet someone from my _living _family here, in Soul Society, but since my first day here had I found out that the odds of reuniting with someone you knew were too small. Yet, everyone hoped. And so did I.

But the more I drowned into the routine and the duties of a Shinigami, the more I convinced myself that those sayings about the odds were true.

As a result, without wanting to, I gave up hope. Only that one single day, each year, did I let my memories carry me away… on the day the life I had ended…

Hitsugaya-taicho's furrowed look was full of worry and compassion, but still I didn't feel better.

"I said that… he is a very good man." He answered my question and the one corner of his lips lifted. "I remember when I first looked at him: I thought I saw you." He chuckled, and as if this sound had been the cause, the first tears fell on my cheeks.

"It felt like the first sunray after the darkest and longest night. At once I knew that he was indeed your brother, I didn't need any more proof than that."

A sob broke the silence and I hid my face in my palms.

"Matsumoto…"

"I'm-sorry! It's just that I… I…"

"Can't believe it." Hitsugaya-taicho expressed my thoughts.

I nodded, since I couldn't speak normally anymore. The sobs increased and my whole body started shaking. I heard rustling and then Hitsugaya-taicho leant over me. His arms wrapped me and his long fingers started caressing my hair, following their pattern gingerly.

Without hesitation I hid my face under his chin and let my tears flow freely.

"Trust me, Matsumoto. It is really him. He knew things about you, he told me about you and your older brother. It was so strange to hear from another about you with such detail!" Hitsugaya-taicho kissed the top of my head and tightened his arms around me. "And he is so tall my neck hurt while looking at him! Luckily he showed me into his place and we sat down. And we talked. After he told me about you, I informed him about your whereabouts, who you were now. He looked so proud!"

I grabbed Hitsugaya-taicho's hand and looked up at him feeling my cheeks and lips wet and sticky from the tears.

"Really?"

Hitsugaya-taicho smiled.

"Yes, like a true big brother who loves his little sister!"

I laughed and cried at the same time and then I hugged him.

"It is… unbelievable! How could I be so lucky? Me out of all people!"

"Because you deserve it!"

"So do you!" I told him and cupped his cheek in my hand.

"As long as I had the chance to find out about them, that's all I need. I'm not asking for more."

I furrowed my brows as I looked into his dark-turquoise eyes and wondered what he really had found out. All he had told me was about a snow-covered mountain, about meeting his Zanpakuto's soul and that he had showed him his past. But he hadn't told me what he had seen.

But the way he looked at me, it seemed that he was glad with what he had found out.

"I… had two brothers too!" he said after some moments that I looked at him. "Jin, he was the oldest, and Michio. And I also had a sister." His frown deepened at the mention of her. "But my true brothers were Jin and Michio."

I smiled softly and sat up to face him.

"I would love to hear about them, taicho!" I whispered to him.

He smiled faintly in response and nodded.

"Not tonight, though. Tonight you should focus on your brother. My brothers can wait!"

I bit my lower lip and looked out the window at the clear starry night.

"Once the sun rises… I will go and see him!"

Hitsugaya-taicho looked down at his hands which he hid in the sleeves of his uniform. His _haori _was lying neatly folded beside him and his third cup of tea released ribbons of steam.

"Thank you!" I told him and he met my eyes. I crawled on my hands and knees and I kissed him slowly, softly.

No one had ever done so much about me. He made me happy, he made me feel protected, he made feel like the most important soul in all worlds, and now he had given me the most beautiful present one could make… he had brought my brother back…

That was why I kissed him, again and again, until his hands touched my shoulders and leaned closer so that I could smell him, feel his flickering _reiatsu_ flood mine…

When we stopped, I felt like a feather in the morning breeze and I couldn't help but smile.

"You should rest. It's been a long night." He whispered with his deep hoarse voice.

I nodded, suddenly feeling my eyelids heavy.

"Good night, taicho! I hope that I can repay you one day!"

We stood up and he walked me to door sliding it open for me.

"There is no need for something like that."

"We'll see!" I chuckled and I stepped out holding my sandals in my hands and wrapping my dark pink sash around my shoulders.

As I headed to my private rooms, I could feel my captain's eyes on me and I smiled to myself.

The rest of the night I dreamt of another life: one where my family was alive, my two brothers had grown into strong men, my father had retired and taken over my grandma's rice-paddies, while I had fallen in love with a white-haired man…

…

When the first sunrays lit up the winter sky my feet were already leading me to the west gate of the walls that surrounded Seireitei.

Knowing that Hitsugaya-taicho would not be waiting for me at the office as he was the one to give me a day-off for today, my pace only grew quicker so that I could reach my captain's grandmother's house a minute sooner.

I couldn't smile, I was too nervous and deep down I tried not to let the enthusiasm take over me, in case this was another one of those dreams I wanted them to be true.

But Hitsugaya-taicho couldn't have lied to me…

He wouldn't… not after all that had happened between us.

In a single day our relationship had evolved in tremendous ways. I found him being so comfortable with me, he acted so openly it made me feel as the reluctant one. He touched me at times I less expected him to, and, above all, he didn't draw back anymore when I'd kiss him…

There was only one thing left to do: announce our relationship publicly… even if everyone seemed to know about it already!

I giggled at myself and found myself standing in front of the gigantic wooden gate which opened slowly with a long creepy sound revealing to me the still sleeping Rukongai.

Ikkanzaka Jidanbo greeted me with a wide smile and a wave of his big hand.

"Oi, Matsumoto-san! Good morning!"

"Good morning to you too! How are you?" I smiled brightly at him.

Noticing my cheerfulness at this early time- something that would put anyone at thoughts who knew that Matsumoto Rangiku, 10th Division's lieutenant, was _not_ the morning type- Jidanbo furrowed his brows and leaned lower to take a better look at me.

"Ehm, fine I guess. Why are you so happy all of a sudden? Are you drunk? Taking a stroll in town to sober u-! Ah!" Jidanbo's eyes widened and he showed me his big teeth. "Aha, it's because Hitsugaya-taicho's back, isn't it? Ha, I knew it!"

I grinned and nodded energetically.

"Yap, yap! Taicho's back and I'm about to… well, he prepared a surprise for me!"

"Really? What kind of surprise?"

I held my tongue the last minute, and tilted my head sideways glancing at the empty market street.

"I'll tell you when I get back! I've got to go!" and with flash steps I ran away from more uncomfortable questions.

As I rushed over the rooftops of Rukongai's buildings, I furrowed my brows thinking over and over of Hitsugaya-taicho's words about my brother. I was even afraid of thinking his name, in case I would get disappointed.

Could he be another unforgotten soul that had managed to fool my captain too…

I halted, realizing that I was not far away from Ren-san's house and tried to focus on all the surrounding _reiatsu_.

They all felt too weak to belong to someone with a strong spiritual energy, and too unstable to belong to a strange kind of soul, like an unforgotten soul.

At some point I could feel Ren-san's warm _reiatsu_, but it was so little and weak I lost it a few times. But there was one kind of _reiatsu_ accompanying hers, it was kind of refreshing, but even weaker than Ren-san's…

Could it be Osamu's…

I sighed and folded my knees to look to the direction these two _reiatsu_ came from.

Why was I so afraid, when last night I had been so damn happy…

Why was I hesitating…

There was only one way to find out if this was real or not. There was only one way to relieve this itching and exhilarating flame of hope inside my chest. I had to go there, knock on the door and see for myself.

Either it was all an illusion, another unforgotten soul that had found its way to lure me into its trap, or… or that faint _reiatsu_ indeed belonged to the soul of my brother Osamu…

And with this thought stuck at the front of the endless row of troubling thoughts I jumped down the roof and headed toward Ren-san's house.

And I knocked on the door, holding my breath, clenching my fists, my fingers ready to grab the tilt of my Zanpakuto…

The moment I stood there trying to listen to any sound that could reveal the true owner of the faint _reiatsu_ felt like hours, and then, the door opened.

I almost collapsed on my knees with the tension that had built inside of me.

A wrinkled hand appeared, and then the gentle smile of Hitsugaya-taicho's grandmother.

Ren-san stepped on the threshold holding a long woolen jacket in one hand.

"Oh, Matsumoto-san! There you are! Toushirou told me you'd visit."

I smiled nervously and tried to search the inside with my eyes.

"Ehm, yeah, yes. I'm sorry for not giving a heads- up myself, but… I, ehm, I was told that someone is staying here who is… he…"

"You mean Osamu. He went to buy me a new bag of tea-leaves. Sometimes tea is the only thing that reminds us that it is really winter!"

She gestured towards the inside of her small home and I nodded thanking her.

My anxiety calmed down a little as the cause of it was not here now, so I managed to chat with the old lady. Her presence and her casual way of talking were more than enough to draw my attention towards her than my surroundings, that I didn't hear footsteps entering the half-open door and placing two paper-bags on a low table.

Nor did I feel that faint _reiatsu_…

First I saw him, and then I felt him.

I turned slowly around to look at the dark figure standing in front of the door, his features dark as the morning light was shining from behind him in the dark home.

My feet made a step closer but still his features didn't get clearer.

As if he had read my thoughts he moved to the side and approached me until I could reach out my hand and touch him… but I couldn't.

How could I, when this man looked like an older, more beautiful version of my brother. And the more I looked at him, into his sky-blue eyes, at his firm jaw-line, his dark blonde hair, the more the memories of him became clearer and more vivid in my head.

My eyes grew watery and his lips broke into a sudden smile, which made me gasp for air.

"A- are you…!"

"Rangiku!" he cried and suddenly I was squeezed into big, strong arms drowned in an ocean of familiar scents…

It smelled like home…

"Oh god… oh god…" I whispered with no power in my voice and hugged him back, as strongly, as desperately as he did, and the moment he whispered in my ear those words did I realize that this was real, that Osamu was alive.

"My little sister is alive! You're alive! Thank the gods!" his big hands cupped my face and he looked at me with tearful eyes.

I had never seen Osamu cry, and especially now that he was inside this adult body it looked so strange I couldn't help but giggle.

"You're alive! And you grew up so much!" his eyes travelled over me but not for long. His eyes soon met my tearful ones again. "I… I can't stop remembering you so small, so fragile, as if you were in deep sleep under that pine tree… oh god, and Shiro who wouldn't leave your side… Rangiku!"

I burst into tears and remembered it all, those endless three days after my parents' death… until my time had come…

"But you're here now! Beautiful, a grown-up, a true lady! And a warrior I heard, a true master of the katana!" he laughed and kissed each of my cheeks.

"Osamu-nii-san!" I whispered weakly and he smiled widely, the way I always remembered him: happy, strong, cheerful, confident. That was my brother.

Ren-san put the kettle on the little fire that was burning in a square opening in the floor throwing tea leaves in it.

"Come! I want to hear it all!" Osamu said and holding my hand we walked up the elevated floor. We both took off our sandals and sat around the fire with Ren-san preparing three cups.

"How long have you been here?" he asked right away and I chuckled with his childlike impatience.

"Ehm, long. Too long to count!" I replied unable to take my eyes off of him.

"And you are a Shinigami?"

I nodded and laughed.

"Is this your katana?" his eyes moved to my waist where my Zanpakuto was hanging from.

"Yes. You don't believe it, do you?"

Osamu shook his head and we laughed.

"Matsumoto-san is a very important person in Seireitei! She was even offered the seat of captain!" Ren-san added with a smile. Osamu widened his eyes and so did I wondering if Hitsugaya-taicho had been the one to tell her these news.

It was so strange to see familiar expressions on his face, it made me smile, and made me feel like my fourteen-year-old self again who didn't know pain, despair and sorrow…

"And what about you? What did you do after?"

"I became a samurai too. Uncle Sosouke took me under his wing. He sent me to a _dojo_, and they accepted me even though I was too old. He took me on missions, we travelled all around the country." Then his expression darkened as his eyes travelled over the flickering flames. "A month after I turned twenty-six, half of our team got sick. Including me. Then all I remember is the wind howling in my ears. I woke up in a forest with bare trees and a man was sitting beside me dressed in black, much like you. He was a Shinigami too. He had saved me."

My hand cupped his on his lap and I smiled at him softly, knowing what it felt like to wake up in another world, all alone, trying to figure out what had happened, where you were, where the ones you loved had gone. Everyone in Soul Society knew what that felt like…

"It's alright, nii-san!" I assured him. Ren-san handed him his cup of tea and rubbed his back with her small hand.

Osamu smiled at her with appreciation.

"Thank you!" he whispered to her.

Osamu looked at me, his eyes scanning over my face.

"What happened?" he asked with a deep tone, as if he was holding back tears.

I frowned.

"The house had turned into ashes and father was… he was on the ground, in blood. Mother, she… she ... But you… we found you days later, far away from there. What happened to you, Rangiku?"

My lips parted, but no sound came out. I smiled with difficulty and Ren-san gave me some tea. I took it in my hands and let the steam blur my vision.

"Mother was singing to me a lullaby. And then I remember sounds, hasty, loud sounds, blades crashing and then father shouting something. I can't remember what. Something about Shiro…" I swallowed but my throat was dry. "The house was caught on fire, the smoke burnt my eyes. A group of armed men had attacked us, one had grabbed me and they were fighting with father."

Osamu was looking at me with terror.

"And mother?"

I looked at him biting the inner of my cheek.

"Did they hurt you?"

I shook my head.

"I ran away, right after I saw them-!" I stopped feeling an ice cold shiver flood my body. "I jumped onto Shiro and we ran. That's all I remember: running and running."

Osamu placed his cup down and squeezed my hand the way I had earlier. He touched my chin to look me in the eye.

"Rangiku…"

"Let's not talk about the past anymore!"

Osamu nodded.

"You're right! We found each other!"

"That's all that matters now!" I agreed and we smiled at each other.

The three of us drank our tea as Ren-san talked about Osamu and how he had helped her out with the house since yesterday morning. Osamu blushed and thanked the old lady again and again. We both were surprised when Ren-san asked of Osamu to help her renovate the house and take care of the housework in exchange for her hospitality.

Osamu and I laughed and he even hugged her gingerly thanking her again and closing their agreement with a clinging of their cups with tea.

And so, thanks to Hitsugaya-taicho for finding him and Ren-san for offering him a home, Osamu came back into my life…

When the sun was high in the sky, I offered to show Rukongai to Osamu.

We walked alongside each other, never missing each other's expressions and laughing too often, through the shops that had opened and the people of Rukongai going on with their simple lives.

Children ran around, playing in groups, chasing each other or rolling on the ground with dogs. Elder people sat on chairs talking softly with each other exchanging the news of the day and the younger ones either worked or wandered around, like Osamu and me.

He told me of his life in the north, how that Shinigami had helped him build a new life, how the people of the nearby village accepted him so easily yet with compassion, as if this was an everyday thing: collecting lost souls and offering them a home. He told me of the time he worked as a teacher for orphans and how he had been hunted down once by a Hollow.

Sometimes I found so many similarities in the Osamu I knew from my previous life, and sometimes it felt like such a different person was standing beside me. But it was him alright… it was my brother…

And I felt so conscious of myself every time I talked and he was observing me. As if he was trying to find the similarities in me with the Rangiku he had known so many years ago as well.

I told him of my time as a lost soul wandering around Rukongai, finding a friend in Ichimaru Gin's face. How a great and powerful Shinigami, Aizen Sousuke, had found Gin and me and talked to us about our strong kind of _reiatsu_. How I became a Shinigami myself and became a seated officer right after my graduation.

And as soon as I reached that part of the story of my life, Osamu didn't hesitate to ask me about Hitsugaya-taicho.

We sat on a bench with a view of a small square which was built around an evergreen tree. Feathery shadows were cast down on us and the people that were resting under it gazing up at its beauty. A young boy was even testing its strength as he climbed up on its branches with the ease of a feline.

"This white-haired Shinigami, Hitsugaya-san, he seems to know you quite well!"

The moment he said this I knew what he was implying. I laughed at myself and brushed my hair behind my shoulders.

"Of course he does. I've been his lieutenant for such a long time he had no other option but to know me well, or else he'd be doomed!" I admitted with a laugh.

"Doomed?"

"Well, you know what a stubborn and unbearable character I can be!"

"So, you've not really grown?" Osamu snickered.

I frowned.

"What do you mean by that?"

I got my answer the moment his eyes left my face and he continued snickering.

Without hesitation I slapped the back of his head and he laughed out loud.

"Sorry!"

"Hn, I had forgotten that beside my brother you are also a _man_!"

Osamu's face had turned red as he was laughing hysterically.

"I… oh, I'm sorry! It's just that… that you always were a kind of a tomboy, I had never imagined you growing into a… such a woman!"

I rolled my eyes and sighed helplessly.

"Idiot!"

"Yeah, I am! I know that! Sorry, really! I think you' re beautiful! And no wonder every man has been staring at you since we left Ren-san's house!"

"Really? I didn't notice it!" I lied.

"Yeah, and o top of that you've become quite a show-off too!"

I looked at him through the corners of my eyes keeping my face serious. Osamu chuckled nervously.

"You shouldn't dress like that!"

"Like what?" it was so fun teasing him. When we were little I was always the victim of the jokes being the youngest and only girl, but now I was the superior, and it felt good.

"Like…" his eyes darted down my face again and he looked up at me with an apologetic grin. "Nothing! You are an adult now, you know better!"

"You bet I do! I don't want to hear anymore comments about the way I dress!"

"Sure!"

"Nobody had a problem with it before, and so I won't accept any comments from you!" I said sharply with my arms crossed.

"Not even Hitsugaya-san?"

I raised one eyebrow and looked at him.

"Hitsugaya-taicho? He would be the last one to comment on my style!" I said proudly. Osamu chuckled.

"He talked really highly of you!"

"Yeah, he tends to do that!"

Osamu and I watched as the boy on the tree started climbing down as a woman was calling at him from below.

"Your dream came true!" Osamu said. "You became a warrior, you are the master of a katana. Now you can protect the ones you care about! This is what you always complained at father about, wasn't it?"

I felt my eyes watery as the boy landed on the ground and quickly ran up to the woman falling in her motherly embrace.

"Hai!" I whispered and Osamu suggested we moved on asking to see more of Rukongai.

We sat in a tea-shop for another warm dose of tea and after that we headed southward, reaching Inuzuri district which consisted of older and more worn out structures. The few trees that grew here were bare, with the weight of winter making their branches lean downwards. People were looking at me with more cautiousness while some turned around the moment they realized my presence.

Sensing the uncomfortable atmosphere growing between the wandering souls and myself, I led Osamu back to Junrinan-district where the people were more used to the presence of Shinigami.

"Rukongai is like a big city, isn't it?" Osamu commented.

"And you have seen so little of it. Another time I'll show you to mount Koifushi, there." I pointed towards the west. "It's a beloved training ground for Shinigami. And one day I'll take you to some beautiful hot springs in the north."

"You even have hot springs?"

I chuckled.

"Of course! The best are in Seireitei, but… unfortunately it's forbidden for common souls to enter."

Osamu and I walked past a grocery shop and around the corner we reached the great wall that divided Seireitei from Rukongai.

"Wow!"

I chuckled at Osamu's reaction.

"It really is a huge city!"

"This is where I live." I told him.

"The centre of the Gotei 13, right?"

"Hn!" I nodded.

"All Shinigami come from this place?"

"Yes. There is the Shinigami Academy, and all the headquarters of the Gotei 13."

"And yours as well."

"Mine as well!"

Osamu looked troubled for a moment but when he looked at me the smile on his face evaporated all negativity from him.

It was getting dark and my day-off was coming to an end. Osamu knew that as well and his expression darkened.

"Well, I'll walk you back to Ren-san's and then I must return."

Osamu shook his head.

"I can find my way back! Don't worry!"

"You sure?"

"Yes! I was a samurai as well, once upon a time! I know how to orientate myself if I get lost!"

We laughed, but it didn't last long. Without really thinking of it I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his cheek.

"Take care! I hope I can come out tomorrow again! Show you around the nightlife of Rukongai!"

Osamu chuckled and hugged me back.

"Can't wait for that, little sister!"

As hard as it had felt this morning to move forward and knock on Ren-san's door, the same hard I found it to walk back towards the west gate and back into Seireitei.

Osamu waved at me as Jidanbo opened the gate and before Rukongai vanished behind it I waved back at my brother and saw him walk away with the hands in his pockets.

"Good night, nii-san!" I whispered and made my way back home…

…

* * *

**Thank you for reading! I have been imagining this chapter ever since i brought Rangiku's brother in the story and now its real - oh dear, how often i must remind myself that this is fiction T_T **

**Yeah, I'm a writer-addict... **

**I'd like to thank you for favouriting and reviewing on the story, it means so much! See you next chapter ^_^ and take care till then!**

**xxx**


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